Original subtitles

(beeping)

Okay, folks, open your eyeholes And shut your pieholes,

'cause this is big. (beep)

We've been hired To test the security

Of what might be the most Treasured document of our time. Constitution?

Declaration of independence? K.F.C.'s secret recipe Of 11 herbs and spices.

(josh) awesome! Double down!

(melanie) no freakin' way! I bet one is paprika.

Now I need this team To meld seamlessly, just like

Those 11 herbs and spices. All right, team, get on it! We're free!

(melanie) let's go, bitches! Note to self-- More white suits.

Oz says I need to get Into that k.F.C. Vault

In under two minutes. I'm gonna have to pull out

All the stops on this one. And you're gonna want To be organized,

Which is why I got you this case For your lock-picking tools.

Well, look at you Being all thoughtful.

Well, you know, I saw it And thought about you.

I love accessories. Attention, fellow employees

And people I haven't Introduced myself to,

But now it's too late, And it would be awkward

If I did it now--I think you're All gonna want to hear this.

Baby, come here. Get over here.

Come here.

I've done A lot of soul searching,

And I come before you On bended knee. Oh, no.

Will you do me the honor... Of moving in with me?

(whispers) oh, thank god.

Wait. No, no, definitely bad. Still bad.

Yes! Yeah?

Yeah! (woman laughs)

Come on!

Living in sin And getting it in!

(michael wandmacher's "We got your back" playing)

* we got your back *

* 9:00 to 5:00's Never been this vicious *

* under attack *

* and we're all up In your business *

* whoa, oh, oh, oh *

* we got your back *

***

(beeping)

Hello, joshua. Very excited About our date tomorrow. Yeah, me, too.

I made an itinerary. You'll pick me up at 7:15 p.M.,

And then we'll proceed To our fondue dinner,

Bond over molten cheese, Enjoy some fro-yo,

Followed by some light petting If we're not too gassy.

(lowered voice) melted cheese? The ultimate aphrodisiac!

I'm a dead man.

(whispers) cash, what did we say About spying on ana ng?

No, I'm--I'm not spying. This--this is for work.

How about working On your game, man? Ugh!

(lowered voice) how could josh Do this to me?

He knows I've been In love with ana ng

Since before The dawn of time!

No offense, but you've kinda Known her for, like, six months,

And you've never Even talked to her. Hey, I've talked to her.

So, um, uh, jet li--

I mean, am I wrong?

Uh, pandas? Hello kitty.

Jackie chan? Wow. Listen, any other day, You can cry on my shoulder,

But not when melanie's Moving in with dutch.

Do you know how many times He's shown me his junk?

Hey, cam, look what I got For your birthday.

Is this anything To worry about? Oh! Ugh!

Hey, cam, check out My new belt buckle.

Aw!

Ohh! Gotcha. Ugh!

Learn from my mistakes. She's already made her decision. She's moving in with him.

I mean, It's just so frustrating.

Can't melanie open her eyes And think for once?

She's being so stupid. I just Want to shake her and say,

"Get a brain in your head!" Why is everybody just standing Around? Come on! Move it!

Let's make Colonel harland sanders proud!

Right this way. All right.

Okay. I jammed the cellular Connection on the alarm system

So it can't dial out. Should give us enough time

To get that recipe. You're up. Ooh, I'm honored you would trust This to my little pea brain.

What is her deal?

(beeping)

(clink) We're in.

(door clanking)

(exhales deeply)

It's more beautiful Than I imagined.

Guys, we have to get moving!

Those alarms are Gonna go off in 15 seconds.

(imitating josh) Guys, I gotta blerf blerf blerf

'cause I stole ana ng From cash! You need to work on your me,

'cause at no point Did I say "Blerf." You gotta work on your blerf,

'cause at no point did I say, "Blerf blerf." Okay, guys, guys,

Please, please. We gotta switch this out now.

Hand me the dummy envelope. Of course I would have The dummy envelope.

I don't know what's going on With you right now... (alarm blaring)

But we don't have... Aah! Aah!

You think the recipe is wet? Whoa! (gasps)

You guys had one job--steal The colonel's secret formula--

And you finger-licked it up Pretty darn good, didn't ya?

You touch that drumstick, I'll chop yours off.

Chicken is for closers.

If we'd been successful At this job,

K.F.C. Would've hired us To do their security worldwide.

Well, melanie wouldn't Give me the envelope. Oh, okay!

(all speaking at once) Enough!

I need a team that will walk Through fire for each other.

You guys will sell each other Out at the drop of a hat. Could you make this rant quick?

I got a shiatsu in 20.

I got something for ya. Sasquatch.

(gong, bells chime)

Oz, what did you do to him?

It's just a garden variety Hypnotic trance.

Dutch is amusing to a point,

But I put in a safeguard to shut Him down for moments like this.

I mean, six weeks? That's a long time

To be working at one place Without a raise.

I got crazy expenses--

Bronzing, frosting, Waxing...

Breathe deep.

From this moment forward, The trigger word will be...

Sasquatch. You're not gonna zombify The rest of us, are you?

Yeah, I can't be no zombie. Well, you better shape up.

Nobody leaves this office Until you guys stop acting

Like little babies And start acting like a team,

And that means Team-building exercises.

Bullpen, five minutes. What?

(cash) bitches, We are dead meat. So dead.

What's the big deal? I can Handle a couple trust falls.

Trust falls would be easy. This is contra team building.

(cheers and laughter)

Yeah! (all cheering)

Now that you've All mastered the apple,

Let's up the stakes a little bit

With a game I like to call Pass the grenade!

Mm.

(melanie) oh! No, no, no, no, No, no, no, no.

The grenade was fake...

But the fear was real.

Let's just suck it up

And get through This stupid team building.

Well, if it's stupid, It must be my cup of tea. Okay, what is your deal?

I heard you talking smack About me to cash.

You... You think I'm stupid. You Wanna put a brain in my head.

Okay, I get it.

I'm not the smartest person Who works here.

We didn't all get to go To college or high school

Or middle school.

No, you're totally misunder-- Middle school? Really?

My dad was a grifter! I'm street smart.

You think a stupid person Can do this?

Hmm.

Yeah, just picked Your pocket. Ooh, $7.

Watch out, ladies.

Wait. Hold it.

(gasps)

What?

Where'd everybody go?

Why does this keep happening To me?

Wait. Come on, melanie.

You're taking What I said out of context. Um, oz isn't in his office,

And everybody else is gone,

So it looks like team building Is canceled.

Thank god. I think we can all Use a break from each other.

(beep) Not so fast, mutants.

(engine revving) The team building's Just beginning.

See, unless you guys can find A nice way to work together,

You're gonna be trapped here All weekend. (doorknob rattles)

Guys! Front door is locked.

The back door is locked, too. What the hell is going on?

You folks are the best In the business at breaking in.

Well, let's see how good you Are at breaking out--of contra.

No, no, no, no, no. I gotta get outta here.

There's a special-edition Screening of "Tron" tonight.

I've been polishing my helmet All week. Thank god it's an actual helmet.

Screw this noise. I'll get us outta here.

(thud, clatter)

Oh! My face! That's my meal ticket.

Seriously. I model For an energy drink calendar.

I'm mr. June.

What are you doing there, Sugarplum?

You really think I'd let you just lock-pick

Your way outta here? No, no.

You guys have to work together As a team.

And don't bother trying To call anybody for help.

He's right. I got no signal. Yeah, me neither.

Oz must have knocked out The wireless booster.

Damn it! I just bought this! (clatter)

Your phone would've... Never mind. Good choice.

Come on, folks! Teamwork makes the dream work.

Oh, and if your tummies start To get a little growly,

I left you some yummies In the fridge--

Lasagna, Just like mom used to make.

(mouth full) Sometimes I panic-eat.

(tires screech, crash)

Okay, here's what we're Gonna do--we fix the van

And then we try to drive it Through the doors again.

Hey, I'm blacking out. Yep.

Okay, we're trapped, And you're not helping, cash.

What the hell are you doing? I'm building One of my signature gadgets.

I had to take apart the fridge For the freon.

What, are you gonna freeze The hinges off the front door?

No, I'm building a time machine. When we get outta here,

I'm gonna go back To ana ng's childhood,

Meet up with her in a field, Make her fall in love with me,

Then tell her I will return. That's "The time traveler's wife."

On the off chance That doesn't work,

I've run a hacking program For the last three hours.

Gonna bust right through. Whatever. Now get The flux capacitor outta here.

(paper rustling)

(exhaling deeply) Dutch? You okay?

Yeah, I was just huffing Some paint.

Ah, I can't lie to you, cam. I wasn't huffing paint.

I just told you that So you'd respect me.

I'm freaking out over This whole melanie thing.

Aren't you the one Who asked her to move in?

Yeah, to my place,

Casa de dutch.

Dude, I got a sweet 2-headed Shower, an at-home tanning bed,

And a bidet, son! But this morning,

Melanie gave me a bunch Of apartment listings.

She wants to find a new place. That wasn't the dealio.

The plan was To have her weave herself

Into the fabric That is my awesomeness.

Okay, well, dutch, relationships Are about compromise.

Exactly.

Hey, Maybe you can convince her

To compromise And move in with me!

She trusts you, cam! You're like Her gay best work friend.

For the hundredth time... (whispers) not gay.

I'm sorry, dude. Closet gay best work friend.

(normal voice) not gay.

Wow. Look at that dress. Oh, my god.

(effeminate voice) wow. Look At that dress. Oh, my god.

Hey, you wanna go splitsies On this salad?

It's way too big For me to finish.

It's got a basil-oregano thing Going. It's--it's really good.

Oh, you know, I saw it And thought about you.

I love accessories. Talk to her, man.

Get her To move into my place.

What do you say? Come on, bro.

Bro namath. Bro-sario dawson.

Angelina bro-lie.

Sasquatch.

(gong, bells chime)

Wow. That is useful.

(computer beeps) Oh, finally.

I think I found a hole In oz's system. (typing on keyboard)

Au contraire, mon frère.

It's gonna be tough to do All that clickety clack

Without any internet or power. Boop. (elephant trumpeting)

(electricity powers down) (cash) Cam, what the hell did you do?

(thud) Oh, no. I'm okay. I fell on some soft pillows.

(melanie) that's me! Oh. Ooh. Ow!

(clank, electricity powers up)

(mouth full) what?

Great, cam. Now we have no a.C, No lights, no internet.

Ergo... (singsongy) no pornography.

And we're running low on food. Guys, guys, I know We hate each other right now,

But it's a team-building Exercise, so let's just pretend

To like each other. Come on. We come up with one good idea,

We'll be outta here In a half-hour max.

Well, this sucks.

So far cash has given us a lot Of vulgar nicknames for josh,

And the other half are

Shockingly vulgar nicknames For me.

(melanie) you're welcome. Which brings us to the only Legitimate idea we have--

Cash's time machine.

W-wait. Wait, guys.

I know I talk a good game,

But I've never actually Time-traveled before.

All right, what do you say

We take a hard 5-hour break And attack this with fresh eyes? Cool. I'm out.

Yep. Hey. (whispers) hey. We've gotta get outta here.

You're--you're spitting on me. You talked to mel?

No. I-I don't really Feel comfortable

Getting in the middle Of your relationship, okay?

Why don't you talk to her? Because I don't want To mess it up.

The more I think about This new apartment thing,

The more I'm buggin'.

I'm not ready to give up My freedom, cam.

Look, none of this changes The way I feel about her.

I mean, next to melanie, Every other girl looks like

Some big, nasty sasquatch. (gong, bells chime)

Oh, the very rare Self-sasquatch.

I didn't believe It was real. Did you just sasquatch him?

No, no. He did it to himself. Oh, what, you're telling me He self-sasquatched?

Okay, you know, I'm tired of this crap.

I'm getting myself Outta here.

(sighs)

(whispers) I just grazed his junk.

(josh) dude, give it up.

We're never gonna Get out of here.

Much like the lasagna, We're finished.

Oh, by the way, I ate all the lasagna.

Yeah. You know, That jag man makes a point.

I say we declare defeat.

Defeat? I'm in.

(beep) Defeat? Am I really hearing this?

Very disappointing, munchkins.

Look behind you.

You! Me!

(melanie) you came back? Technically, I never left.

I gave up my whole weekend

To teach you sad sacks How to work together,

Even used a little movie magic To make it look legit.

Not so fast, mutants. The team Building's just beginning. (engine revving)

The way out was simple. I left you a lasagna.

If you put your heads together, You would have remembered that

The acid in the tomato sauce Is a known corrosive.

You could've used that to Disable the locking mechanisms

And get outta here As a team. Yeah, that was so obvious.

Duh! We can always use The battery acid from the van,

Salvage what's left Of this weekend.

I've got countries to visit. Well, the battery's kinda shot,

Dutch obliterated the van. All right, plan "B." I'll just Switch the power back on,

And we'll get outta here. (tablet beeps)

(error message dings)

Oh. Impressive.

(beeps, error message dings) It seems cameron's hack job Overrode my system. Where is he?

I need him to shut it down. He's in the vents, Trying to find a way out.

The vents?

You let him Go up in the vents?

Oh, crap!

(clank) Oh!

Aah! (clanks)

Not good. Not good. Not good. I installed security gates

In the vents in case Somebody tries to break in.

Josh, give me the time. Uh, 4:32 a.M.

Oh, that's really not good. Why are you panicking? You never panic.

Because the heat kicks on At 4:30. We'll override the program.

Again, I need cameron for that. Well, what happens When the heat turns on?

Well, he'll do some sweating, Then... Die.

Why? Why?!

Why couldn't we have done Trust falls?!

Guys, it's 125 degrees up there, Which means we have

Approximately 30 minutes To get cameron out.

Mel, gear up and hydrate. You're Going in. Unlock that grate.

Josh, find the blueprints To these vents.

How's that rover coming? It's on like tron, boss man. Think he's okay?

(deep voice) * but you'll look sweet *

* upon the seat Of a bicycle built for two *

(falsetto voice) * ooh, ooh *

Yeah, I'm sure he's fine.

(whirring)

Oh, it's so hot in here. I'm baking alive!

Hey, sammy. Oh, you're so cute!

(high-pitched voice) Give me a kiss. Come on.

Come on.

I'm on it.

Be careful, baby.

(josh) okay, He's 20 feet to your north.

Get him water fast. Cam?

(oz) the heat's rising. We don't have much time. Melanie! Over here!

Put this around your neck And drink this. Okay. Yes.

Oh, water, yes. I've always Enjoyed this beverage.

Mmm!

You're using Your lock-picking case.

Just sit tight. I'm not gonna Let anything happen to you.

(whispers) I love you.

Yes, cameron, I love you, too.

(normal voice) no, like, I love you... For real.

Seriously, melanie.

The first time I saw you crack a safe,

I knew I was in love with you.

And you're cool

And you're smart and--and every Song on your ipod is good,

And that is unheard of.

(whispers) You're hallucinating.

No, I'm not.

I wish I didn't feel This way, but...

But I do.

When you overheard me The other day,

I wasn't calling you stupid, I was saying it's stupid...

You're moving in with dutch,

Because...

I'm jealous you're with him And--and not me.

Well, don't just lie there. Say something.

(dutch) cam, I'm on your left!

It was taking too long. I got worried.

Well, this is a low point. Dutch, just--just--just go back.

I-I got it, okay?

The vent's too small! I'm stuck!

Of all the days Not to grease up.

Seriously, I can't move a muscle!

Damn this adonis-like torso. Oh, it's so hot in here!

Hold tight. We're coming up. (dutch) I'm trapped!

I'm totally trapped!

Help me, lord!

I don't want to die in here! I'm too sexy.

God, help me!

This is embarrassing!

Dutch, just relax. Breathe. I can't.

It's this whole Moving in thing, mel.

Look, I love you so much, I wanna explode,

But being trapped here Like this,

It just... It made me realize that...

I need my space!

I'm sorry!

Okay, kind of a lot of things Coming at me right now.

(josh) hey, on your right.

We brought some motor oil So we could slather up dutch

And get him outta here. Oh, I love you guys so much, I wanna explode.

Cam, you're the closest to Dutch! Lube him up! Lubricate!

(cam) I can't reach. Forget about me. Save yourselves!

(melanie) no, no, no! We're all Getting out of here together. Damn right. I'm not leaving

Till every last one is out. (cash) exactly. We die as a team.

(whispers) I love you guys.

Yeah. I love you guys, too.

Now that is the kind of teamwork That I was talking about.

Two days ago you guys Couldn't even steal a recipe

Without bickering.

Now you're willing to walk Through fire for each other.

Wait. This was all fake? But the fear was real,

So was the team building. Nice job, folks.

And as a reward, Here's 68 degrees of cool a.C.

(click, vents whirring)

Ahh! That's good.

And your freedom! (clanking)

(cash) oh, thank you, Dear lord! Oh, my god.

I'm free!

Free! Yeah, but I'm still stuck.

Cam?

Get to lubing.

Ugh.

(panting)

Freedom!

You lunatic! You're learning!

Oh, my back. Ah! Ah! Hey, man, I've been thinking.

Hmm? I'm not gonna go out With ana ng.

Oh, good. I can ask her out, then. You're gonna ask out my girl?

Well, I take it back. (cameron) are you Out of your mind?

You were willing to bake me For a team-building exercise?!

Relax. You were never In any real danger.

I was monitoring your Core temperature the whole time.

How could you? I certainly haven't implanted A chip in you,

If that's What you're insinuating.

No, oz, this is serious.

Some things were said up there That I can't take back ever.

What? That stuff about you Being in love with melanie?

Something tells me That particular feline is

Out of the bag. (slaps back)

I lubed dutch!

Team building!

Hey. Hey.

Uh, listen, I said some stuff Back there that I-- Oh, no, no. Stop.

I know you didn't mean that Stuff. I mean, you were loopy.

Why don't we just chalk it up To extreme circumstances?

Yeah, writing it off. That seems like a good strategy.

Yeah. 'cause I mean, If I really meant that stuff,

And we still had To work together,

That would be really awkward. It would be really awkward,

Especially since My boyfriend works here.

Yes. So many examples Of why it would be awkward.

So... Friends?

Absolutely. Friends.

Oh.

So where'd you and dutch land

On the whole Moving in together thing? We talked about it.

Decided we're gonna Give it a little more time.

I gotta be honest. I was--I was Pretty nervous about it, too.

Well, you're a smart girl. You'll figure it out.

Yeah.

I'll see you monday. It is monday!

I don't know about you guys, But I feel pretty rested. Uh, uh...