Original subtitles

(orchestral fanfare playing)

(cash imitating lasers firing)

How long have you been Shooting this?

17 years, baby.

While my stupid classmates

Were all building friendships And self-esteem,

I was building a death star Out of popsicle sticks.

Did you hear that? They've Shut down the main reactors.

(toilet flushing) We'll be destroyed for--

Dad!

We'll be destroyed for sure. This is madness!

(high-pitched, singsong voice) Spoiler alert!

(normal voice) I play all the characters. Yahoo! You're all clear, kid.

Now let's blow this thing And go home!

(growls) (high-pitched, singsong voice) Spoiler alert!

(normal voice) You die a virgin. Oh, baby, I couldn't Sleep a wink last night.

It's either 'cause Of that 9-hour energy drink,

Or 'cause today I'm finally Getting to meet your dad.

Babe, he's gonna love you. Trust me.

I know, but I wanna make a good Impression when he gets here,

So I decided To wear underwear.

Yeah, this tiger Does not like to be caged.

(telephone ringing)

Cool. You're dad's coming To visit? Yeah. I know. It's been forever.

Lucky. My parents are all over me.

"When are you gonna come visit? Why don't you have a girlfriend?

It's okay if you're... You know."

Well, uh, my dad's Kinda sorta been in jail

The last five years. (both, singsongy) Fun-comfortable.

No, guys, it's fine. I'm just Really excited to have him back.

I mean, the guy taught me Everything I know.

("Jingle bells" playing) My very own lock picking case!

The rest of your gifts are Out there somewhere, sweetheart.

Now go get 'em. (kisses)

Look at this report card.

I can't believe you forged My signature like this.

How many times Have I told you?

I loop my y's.

Wow. Your childhood sounds Really interesting.

Me--I was just raised by Couple of lesbian astronauts.

Bye, sweetie. Your mom and I Are going back to space.

Lame.

Well, my dad's the best. He sent Me one of these postcards

Every month For the last five years,

Telling me how proud He was of me.

I'm gonna be just-- (whispers) silence, woman! It's ana ng!

Dang!

***

Hey. Oz is calling A team meeting. I love you.

And I-I mean, I don't Love you... Like that.

I mean, I say that a lot 'cause I live with my mom.

Damn it.

(michael wandmacher's "We got your back" playing)

* we got your back *

* 9:00 to 5:00's Never been this vicious *

* under attack *

* and we're all up In your business *

* whoa, oh, oh, oh *

* we got your back *

***

What you are looking at Is an exact scale replica

Of the culver modern art museum.

Check out the detail On that--ow! No touchy, dutchy.

This thing cost me 800 bucks.

I asked creepy carol To mock it up for me,

And apparently, I "Didn't set a price limit."

You never set a price limit. I "Wasn't clear."

You weren't very clear.

I'm "So scary I make her tinkle."

Uh-oh.

I digress.

The museum has hired us To test their security.

And if we break in, we get paid To revamp their system.

Cha-ching!

So I've decided we are going to Break in and steal this. (beep)

It's their most expensive Piece of art.

Uh, I-I think Your screen's broken.

No, no. It's not broken. This is the piece. (beep)

It's called "White on white on white,"

And it's worth $10 million.

$10 million? What, for a blank canvas?

I bet you if it was called "Black on black on black."

It'd be worthless.

Social commentary.

That ain't art. No...

This is art. Yep.

It's a tattoo of tattoo.

Huh? Think about that one. Whose mind did I just blow?

(singsongy) all y'alls! (oz) clearly, you all lack The sophistication

To appreciate The nuance of this piece.

Everybody, just take a moment And really look at it.

I mean, lean in.

Allow the power of the paint To--to wash over you.

(shrieks)

Ha ha! Art! God! Every time!

All right, rule number 22--he Who mocks it least is in charge.

And the "He" this time Is melanie.

(high-pitched voice) hey, I'm melanie. I'm teacher's pet.

Oz loves me! (high-pitched voice) I'm josh. I can't take a deuce at work,

So I drive home. (normal voice) Oz, make her stop.

That's my girl. (knock on door)

Oh, my god! Dad! Well, well.

A little impromptu Family reunion. Isn't that nice? (door opens)

(dutch) hey, cam. No freaking way!

I'm like a steve miller band Reunion tour. (door closes)

(whispers) dads love me.

(normal voice) 'sup, old slice?

Dutch nilbog. (door closes)

Hey, man, I just want you to know

That I think the world Of your daughter,

And nothing Would make me happier

Than gettin' to know The man who spawned her.

So, uh, what do you say We grab a couple four lokos,

Hit up the t-bell, Get our chalupa on,

And just keep it 100? I have no idea What he just said.

He wants to split a beer With you, dad.

Oh. Then, no. Dad!

A'ight. Yeah, that's cool. No, no, I'm just glad

You're out of the clink Safe and sound, sir.

Free at last! Oh, you just, uh,

Told a room full of strangers I was in prison.

Thanks, dutch. No, no, no.

I didn't mean... Like, the bad kind of prison,

With the shank And then the... Butt stuff.

(door opens)

I'm wearing underwear. Okay.

Well... You must be The boss man.

Larry. I'm oz.

Hey, oz.

I wanna thank you for keeping My girl gainfully employed

These last five years. Well, your loss Has been our gain.

Melanie's a real asset To my team.

Oh, dad. This is our hacker, cameron. Hey.

Oh. A hacker. I shared a cell with a hacker. Oh, yeah?

Killed his whole family With an ax. I hack computers.

That's better.

Hey, mel, you think you can Carve out a little time today

To hit up billy's burgers With your old man? Like the old days?

(dutch) I know an invitation When I hear one.

Let's grab some burgers! (larry) oh.

Seems like a nice guy.

Oh, yeah, he's a real peach, For a guy who's about to con us.

Oh, come on. You don't even know him.

Oh, I know him, But he doesn't know me.

See, I'm the guy Who put him away.

If oz asks, Tell him I ran home.

I have some... Personal business To take care of.

It's gonna be a photo finish.

(beeps)

Are you serious? You're the one Who put melanie's dad in prison?

Whoa! Whoa, whoa, chatty cathy.

At least let me activate The oz cone of silence.

(automated female voice) Cone activation initiated. (whoosh)

(door closes) There. Now everything we say Is private.

Take, for instance, All the secrets I am privy to

About the u.F.O. That crashed at roswell.

Let me tell you something, kid. It happened.

(telephones ringing, Indistinct conversations)

...Probes. So what's on your mind?

All this time, you're the one Who busted larry,

And nobody knows.

Larry was working the long con. Got himself a job at a bank,

Worked his way up To loan officer. (beep)

Turns out, all the money Larry was investing

Was going to his alias, Mr. "Gordon shumway,"

And mustaches.

By the time the bank Figured it out,

Larry was long gone, and they Hired me to get the money back.

What I didn't know at the time Was larry had a daughter.

***

So you felt bad And gave her a job. I never feel bad,

But I got a world-class Lock picker. The only thing is

You can never say a word About this to melanie.

This is a secret you and I Are taking to the grave.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm not a part of this. Sure thing.

Don't wink. Please stop winking.

Gotcha. You're still winking.

I've been tracking larry For the last five years.

Rule number seven-- A tiger never changes his spots.

I'm pretty sure Tigers don't have--

Rule number eight--

Never contradict me.

Morning, cash.

Uh, technically, It's 12:30,

So it would be "Good afternoon."

When you wake up, It'll be morning.

Larry is here to con us.

And we are gonna stop him.

You want me to bug him?

I'm not comfortable spying On melanie's dad. Let me tell you

What isn't comfortable. It's when something...

(telephone ringing, Indistinct conversations)

...Lengthwise.

Yes, that sounds Very uncomfortable.

Bye-bye.

(beeps) Okay, guys.

I sent you encrypted e-mails Of the museum's schematics.

(beep) Now once we're in the gallery, We're gonna be up against one

Of the most state-of-the-art High-tech security systems.

Which won't be a problem if I hack in and deactivate it. True, but there's also

Weight sensors In the wall mountings.

Which means we need to swap in A duplicate white painting. Yeah. Not a problem.

We're the best. What's up, my wookiees?

(imitates chewbacca's growl)

And it was Almost a normal meeting.

Good news. I only got One more scene left

In my "Star wars" remake.

It's the scene where Leia kisses han solo,

But I haven't had any luck Casting leia.

Ew. No.

No, gracias. Yo tengo dignity.

Boy, I'm your mother.

How do you not see that That's weird?

Why don't you just ask Ana ng?

The hottest woman In the universe?

***

Why don't I just Go back in time

And not poop in my pants On prom night? I'm available.

I can even do My own makeup. Watch.

Oh, god. Oh...

(pops lips) See? Camera-ready.

Okay, but only because Everybody else said no.

Oh, really? Yay! No other options.

Hey, melly belly.

I'm sorry to interrupt, but I Have a little surprise for you.

Come on. Give me a hand. (chuckles) What is it?

Oh, I love that guy Right there.

He even offered to Flat-iron my wookiee beard.

Gave me a bag of mustaches From when he used to grift.

Check it out-- Selleck, trebek. Oh!

Armenian cable guy.

(imitates armenian accent) Bro, bro,

You want sexy channels? I hook you up. I hook you up.

Oh, my god. Oz was right. Larry's conned you guys.

He's distracting you by telling You what you wanna hear. What? No.

Larry's a great guy. He even told us so.

You know... I'm like... A great guy.

Really. Great guy.

(gun cocks)

Say good-bye...

To another boring day of work, 'cause... It's on!

I used to play this all the time As a kid.

(singsongy) nerf war!

(normal voice) and guess who won Every time? (singsongy) me!

(chuckles) oh. Okay, cam, You're on my team,

'cause I can tell You got the killer instinct.

All right.

Let's do this. Yeah.

("In the hall of the mountain King" from "Peer gynt" playing)

Leeroy...

Jenkins!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Got you! Got you! Got you! Got you!

Okay, kiddo, It's just you and me now.

And me. I'll take A bullet for you, dad.

Is it cool If I call you "Dad"?

Oh. Friendly fire. Bummer.

(cocks gun)

(shouting indistinctly)

I don't like that bozo. I don't Want him dating my daughter.

I was a con man. I read people. That's what I do.

Dutch isn't right for her. You are.

I know what you're doing, And it's not gonna work. Hold that thought, Charlie brown.

I gotta save your life. (gunshot)

Sorry, buddy. You're out.

All that work.

You don't trust me.

That's not true. I trust you.

(gun clicks) Really?

(whirs)

All right.

(bell dings) Let's do this.

(chuckles) relax, kid. I know You're just doing your job.

I wouldn't trust me either.

(gunshot) Aah!

Aah! Oh, damn it!

I'm hit.

(panting) treat her well.

You know you're not Actually shot, right?

Yeah, But I got a leg cramp.

Nighty-night, bitches. Bye, pops.

(dutch) larry, I'll save ya!

(slow-motion voice) no!

(screams)

(grunting) Way to go, dutch.

Whoo! I got mad air On that one, son.

Maybe oz won't notice.

(whoosh) (oz) I noticed!

(water trickling)

Oh, everybody gets to play But me?

Clean up this mess And get back to work.

(beeps)

(romantic theme playing)

(grunting)

Uhh!

Thank you. Thank you.

It took me, like, 12 takes To get it down to that.

I love you. I know.

(hissing)

What do you guys think?

It sucks! What?

How could Larry not like me?

Six million people On this planet earth,

And they all know I'm the man. How come he doesn't see it? Way to make it about you, dutch.

You're right. This hasn't Been enough about me.

I am balls out awesome, And I'm gonna show him.

Whoo-hoo! Hey, boys. Look what I made--pecan sandies.

There you go.

Oh. Wow, that's nice.

(crunches) ow!

(mouth full) mother of pearl! What the hell? Rule number 32.

Oz doesn't do Nice things.

(blows loudly)

Wakey, wakey, sweetheart!

You were supposed to plant That bug on larry.

What happened? He found it.

And I'm glad he did, all right? I mean, you got in my head.

Larry's a nice guy, and he wants What's best for melanie.

Oh, let me guess. He said What's best for melanie is you.

How convenient. Just the thing Your little ears wanted to hear. No, no, there's no way He's playing me.

Oh, really? Yeah.

Have you seen your phone lately? 'cause I have. (beep)

(cash) is he--is he Grabbing your booty? Oh.

(chuckles) oh, looky here. Too much time in jail. (beep, whirs)

And he played me.

Bitch got played. Bitch got played.

No!

(beeps, whirring)

(beep)

Thank you... Cameron.

Where is it? Hey.

There's My future son-in-law. Stop! I want my phone--

You know, the one you stole To get all the museum info?

Cammie, come on. It's me. Hey, you know what--

Eh! No, no.

(beeping)

(cell phone ringing)

No. It's in your underwear, Isn't it? That would've been easier.

(ringing stops, vibrates) Oh. Just went to voice mail.

(bag thuds) I can't believe You let mel down like this.

Oz was right. You're still Gordon shumway, pulling cons.

How would oz know My alias?

I-I-don't know. It's a pretty common alias.

I mean, it's one I would use, If you think about it.

No, the only people who know That are the ones who busted me.

Are you saying that oz is The bastard that put me in jail? No, I'm not saying that.

That is not what I'm saying.

That is the last thing I'm saying. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna find a baseball bat,

And I'm gonna hit that guy Right in the face.

Cone of silence! Cone of silence!

Cone of silence! Cone of silence!

Activate your cone of silence! Cone of silence! (beeping)

(automated female voice) Releasing toxins.

Wrong button. Please evacuate.

How's your tolerance To nerve agents? Not good.

Then we should probably go. No, no, no. You can't go out there.

I know you're gonna kill me, But I told larry everything.

Excellent. That was faster Than expected. What?

(doors whoosh) I needed to backdoor That information to larry,

And I used your big mouth To do it.

I didn't realize he was Gonna backdoor your phone,

But sometimes things Slip through the crack.

Wait, wait. Is this another one Of your insane oz plans? Rule 11--

I always have a plan, and this Time, it's to show melanie

Who her father really is. Once We do that, she can decide--

Stay with us Or join the dark side.

(types) Obi-wan never told you What happened to your father?

(voice breaking) He told me enough.

He told me you killed him!

(dramatic music playing)

(gurgle, static) You!

Yeah, you! Ooh, this should be fun.

I want the last five years Of my life back,

You son of a bitch! (clank)

Oh, come on!

What the hell Is going on here?

Did you know that your boss here Is the one who put me away?

Is that true?

Don't look at me like I'm the bad guy here.

I mean, he made you crooked. I straightened you out. Oh, I never asked you to.

I would have been fine On my own.

Oz, you lied to me The last five years.

Let's get outta here.

Oswald, I'm gonna bounce, too.

Little solidarity With my boy larry.

(larry) turn your ass around.

Change of plans. I'm sticking around!

(beeps) (oz) well, We still have a job to do.

Let's see if we can penetrate This museum's security.

Visual on target.

Cracking into Their wireless network now.

And... (beep, electronic whirring)

Floor grid deactivated. We're going in. Okay, swapping in the dupe.

Wait. Freeze. Don't move. Grid just went live again.

(alarm sounding) You take one more step, It's game over.

What? I hacked in And overrode the system.

I think somebody overrode us.

That's impossible.

(whooshing)

Thanks for the assist, Boys.

Larry's there? Tell him I said "Hey."

Dutch, shut up.

(beeps)

Melanie, don't do this. Once you take the painting,

There's no coming back From that. I'm sorry, cam. I'm partners with my dad now,

And that's all That matters to me.

Hey, ask him if he wants to go Rollerblading with me later. Not now, dutch.

I just got a new pair of skates.

(beeping) Guys, don't move. The grid is still active.

This has been one heck Of a fiesta,

But I think it's time We call the federales. No, no, wait, wait, wait, Wait, wait.

Come on. Just give her a minute To come to her senses.

She's a big girl. She's made her choice.

(alarm blaring, bell ringing)

Cash, call the cops. Tell him This is no false alarm. Okay, I'm on it.

(blaring and ringing continue) Damn it!

Forget the paintings. Let's just go! (whooshing)

Cam, grab the paintings.

Okay. This is it.

This is the real one.

No, wait. This is. Are you kidding me?

Oh, dear god! They're all so white! (loud rip)

Oh, god. It's the dupe. I marked The back, which is good,

Because I do not have $10 million.

(grunting)

Well, well, looky here.

This is what I like to call A real pickle. Neither of us

Know which is the real one. I'll have to settle for 50/50.

Larry...

What if I told you I could double your odds?

Why would you wanna do Something like that?

I'll give you this painting

If you promise to stay Out of melanie's life. Deal.

I just needed her For this job. Oh!

And, uh, cam, Just for the record,

I still like you Better than dutch.

Why?! Ask him why!

You gave him the painting? That was your plan? The moment larry showed up,

I knew he was gonna make A play for that painting.

So while you guys were Playing toy guns,

I was at the museum Securing the real painting.

Rule number one--

Never question the plan. Man, I give up.

I'm a good person!

(beeps)

Hey. Hey.

How was your night?

Well, same ol', same ol'.

Really? We're not gonna talk about it?

This place is so weird.

You don't loop your y's.

Come again?

This morning, I looked At the postcards from my dad.

I know you wrote them.

I don't know what You're talking about,

But, uh, if I did, I meant every word.

(mocking) "I'm oz.

"I write postcards To make melanie feel better.

I'm proud of her. I'm her family."

(lowered voice) Don't you ever forget it.

Yo, check it! Just uploaded My "Star wars" film. (taps key)

I am your father.

(breathing heavily)

No!

"Star wars." I love that movie!

You should've asked me To be leia.

Oh. Oh, well. What-- What are you gonna do, huh?

Would you excuse me For a minute?

(beep) (automated female voice) Cone activation initiated.

(whoosh)

***