Original subtitles

So let me Get this straight--

You can hack into The fbi mainframe

And put the hamburglar on The most wanted list, but you--

But I managed to lock My keys in my car.

Yes, we've established that.

Can you stop making fun of me And help me break in?

Why don't I just teach you? I don't need--a-actually, it's A good idea to learn new things.

(lock clicks)

You think you're so cool, Don't you?

Yeah, I do.

You're pretty cool. (tires screech)

Melon ball!

(laughs) hey! Hi, baby!

You left your celly In my ride. (kisses)

Mm. How am I supposed to text you My love haikus?

Hey, there he is. My girl's asexual bestie.

Totally nonthreatening. I love this guy.

What's with the suit? Well, dutch got a new job At a nonprofit.

Yeah, we, uh, we build wells In countries ravaged by poverty.

And the most fulfilling part--

I get crazy paid!

Dollar dollar bills, y'all!

Yeah. (laughs)

Hey, a hybrid?

What happened To your gas guzzler?

Going green, broheim. (pats car)

Yeah, I saw this intense movie

About how we're killing Our planet. "An inconvenient truth"?

"Water world." the great kevin Costner plays this fish dude.

Really opened my eyes. So... I bought this puppy. (pats car)

Then I ripped out All that electric crap,

Dropped in An ass-ton of ponies.

(engine revs) Well, I gotta michael bolton. Giddyap!

(tires peal)

Isn't he the best?

That guy is the worst! What does she see in him?

I mean... (scoffs) when it comes To romance, the man is a god.

You should see The epic stunts he pulls.

Oh, my god! I can't believe You made us our own muppets!

Yep, only took me six months To hand-stitch.

Check it! Oh!

Now let's party! Whoo!

Just no way to compete With that.

Listen, love is A numbers game, okay?

I'm with melanie Ten hours a day.

Dutch gets the rest Of her time, but she needs

Eight hours of sleep, plus time For showering, working out,

Miscellaneous Body maintenance.

That means dutch only gets to See her 3.8 hours a day tops. Yeah, but don't they spend

Most of that time Going to pound town? Hey, we on for hoagies today?

It's a date. (high-pitched, Singsong voice) numbers game!

(high-pitched singsong voice) Pound town!

Paper jam on tray nine? Where Are the first eight trays?

Call the tech, he'll fix it. No need, baby. Gadget man is right here.

No. Oz specifically Told you not to.

Every time you try and fix Something, you go way too far.

(whirring)

(grunts)

Dude, my stuff. What did We discuss about the pranks?

Wasn't me. They even took Your ergonomic chair.

It's from oz?

I've been moved To the I.T. Annex?

Ugh. God, those guys are creepos.

(scoffs)

Oz, we gotta talk.

Hey, there's my guy.

How's your morning going? Not well. I just came From the I.T. Annex,

Where you moved my desk.

I don't want to be in there With the computer monkeys. But you are a computer monkey.

Not like them!

I like your face. You have a sister?

No.

How about a wig?

I believe that your skills Are best served behind a desk,

Not out in the field. What?! I do great out there.

This is ridiculous, And you know it!

What's ridiculous is You spending all your time

Focused on your little Numbers game with melanie. How did you... That's not...

(scoffs) It doesn't matter. I'm still focused.

I always do whatever it takes. Really? Remember cash's shoulder?

It dislocates all the time. Just pop it back in.

Come on. Pop it back in!

Okay. Oh, it's like A wet noodle. Oh!

That's just a bad example.

I always do what it takes. Let's put this theory To the test.

Tase yourself in the face. (zaps)

What? Come on. You said you're willing To do whatever it takes.

It's for the job. Prove it. Put some fuzz on those kiwis. They're-- they're plenty fuzzy,

And what does that have to do With me getting my job done?

I'm hearing a lot of yap yap And not a lot of zap zap!

That's crazy. Nobody would do that.

Josh, tase yourself in the face. It's for work. Roger that.

(zap, thud) Now there's a guy Who gets things done.

Now if you don't mind, My 2:00 appointment is here.

You just scoot along Back to your nerd cave. Wait. Is it a new client?

I'll do whatever it takes To get the job done.

I swear, I'll crush it. Let's see what you're made of, Champ. Client's waiting.

Hey, I'm cameron. I'll be handling your job.

Jimmie. Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you, too. So, uh, what do you do?

I'm a driver. Oh, you're the limo driver.

I'm sorry. I-I thought You were the client. (chuckles) (chuckles)

Prom's coming. Busy time, huh? So, um, how much do you know About nascar?

You mean the one where The guys with the mullets

Drive around in a circle And call it a sport?

(laughs) not a fan. Why do you ask?

(thud) (muffled voice) holy balls!

Ho ho ho ho!

(laughs) nascar superstar Jimmie johnson!

Number 48 in the flesh! Oh!

It's superman. I can't believe This is happening.

Yeah, I can't either. This is crazy. Racecars!

Get 'er done!

Hey, man, we're testing out

At auto club speedway This week. You're clearly a fan.

Why don't you come out And, you know, see what we do? Oh! I'm more than a fan, man.

You're my second favorite human On the planet

Right after the guy Who invented boobs! Classic. Why are you here?

(door opens) Double j., looking good.

How are you, bro? Good to see you, o-dog. Whoo!

Quite a crew you got here. Yeah, They're an eclectic bunch.

I don't know What he's doing here. Actually, I-I don't work here.

See, I got a sweet new job At a nonprofit. We build wells. Yeah, he's a saint.

Mr. Johnson, whatever you need, No matter big or small,

I will get 'er done. No one says that.

(zaps) Very excited To work with you, sir.

Come on, jimmie. I'll show you my office. Is it weird I got a boner?

(michael wandmacher's "We got your back" playing)

* we got your back *

* 9:00 to 5:00's Never been this vicious *

* under attack *

* and we're all up In your business *

* whoa, oh, oh, oh *

* we got your back *

***

Our newest client-- One jimmie johnson,

Best known for being-- Being 5-time consecutive Nascar sprint cup champion

And the associated press' Athlete of the year 2009.

Looky here. Someone figured out How to type "Nascar"

Into their little Computer machine-y.

Just doing what it takes to win. Fun fact--

Nascar's largest growing Fan demographic--latinos.

Another fun fact--shutty. (grunting)

Mm. Now all nascar communication Between the driver

And the crew chief Is on a secure channel.

Look what happened on lap 37. (man) 27 coming up On your side.

(speaking indistinctly) (latin music playing)

Mid-race, jimmie's comm channel Was taken over by that music.

Jimmie had to finish Second place.

And for jimmie, There is no second place.

Now the only people with access To radios were jimmie's crew.

So you think he's got A mole on his team?

Well, at least he doesn't have A mole on his lug nuts.

* doopa, doopa, what! What! *

Ha ha! Come on. Gimme... That...

Self-shutty. Your job is To infiltrate the crew,

Set up hidden security cameras,

And figure out who did this.

Not a problem. Okay, so we've got a mole. (door opens)

It could be anyone, so we've Gotta stay under the radar. (door closes)

(ozomatli's "Saturday night" Playing)

What?

Do you have a sweatshirt Or cargo pants? Maybe...

Ah, we can make it work. (closes trunk)

Does that feel good? Right in the sweet spot.

Hey. Hey. I told you to stop Fixing things around here. I know, but hear me out.

Look, I gave the copier A fully robotic brain.

So now it has A f.P.G.A. Neural cluster

With monster computing power. Can it still make copies?

It's a work in progress. I'm fixing it.

(beep)

(whirs)

Good god, is it possible?

(whirs) I did it.

I finally did it!

Yes!

***

Okay, here are the bullet cams Cash designed.

Now dutch said we should Really try to blend in

Before making our first move.

I appreciate dutch's help,

But I was online all night Researching nascar.

I think I'll blend in Just fine. (gasps)

(loud clatter)

Hey. You all right? (loud clank)

Yeah, I-I'm sorry, man. (whoosh)

My friend's a huge jimmie fan. This is a dream job for him.

First day jitters. I'll go easy on you.

You're on hood duty. Tie it down For jimmie's test session.

Get 'er done.

See? That is a thing.

Please tell me You've read about this online.

Come on. How hard can it be To strap on a hood? (scoffs)

(engine roaring)

(tires screech)

All right, oz, just... Before you say anything,

You gotta hear me out. (door whirs)

Oz?

What was that room? What room?

Uh, uh, whatever. Look, I know I messed up,

But let me talk to jimmie. I'll tell him I can fix this. No way. Your cover's blown.

The only reason jimmie Hasn't s-canned us

Is 'cause we go way back. (gasps) damn, jimmie.

You should be A racecar driver.

Nah, I'd rather be A tap dancer.

Shutty. You're a driver.

Please don't banish me Back to the I.T. Annex.

Calm down, chicken wing. Mistakes happen.

It's like the time I went Hunting with my friend.

We'll call him dick.

He got super wasted And shot a guy in the face.

Ol' dickie wanted to cap him Again and bury him in the woods,

But we did the right thing. We let the cia take the rap.

Understand What I'm trying to say?

Uh... Yeah.

You were with dick cheney When he shot that guy?

No.

My point is this--

We all make mistakes. It's how We handle them that matters.

You want your desk back? Handle it.

I told you I'll get this done, And I will.

Whatever it takes.

(doorbell rings) Look, if you're here For boner pills,

I don't sell those anymore. Good to know.

Actually, I ran into a jam At work and...

I could use your expertise.

And side note--I'd appreciate it If you'd close your kimono.

It's, like, staring at... (automated female voice) Time expired.

Logging you out. Damn it! Oh, you made me fold my hand.

Dude, what happened To your stuff?

It's gone, all of it-- My white leather couches,

My cougar skin rugs, My protein powders.

I'm totally broke.

What about your new job, The suit?

I took it off some filipino dude Who fell asleep on the bus.

And the charity I work at's Bogus.

See, melanie told me To get a real job, so I did.

I-I became A professional poker player,

But it turns out Poker's crazy hard.

I had to pawn everything.

Don't tell mel about My web of lies.

She'd kick my ass to the curb. If you help me with this job, I'll give you a loan.

All right, How much do you need?

$20,000. I have $2,000 in my savings.

You won't regret this. Whoo-hoo!

Already do. (claps hands)

(whispering) hey. I might have a little problem.

You remember how I gave the copier life?

No. Okay, well, I did, and, uh,

It sort of might be Into destroying humanity.

(whirring)

Copier, what are you doing?

(whispering) it's "Terminator." The machines are rising.

What do we do? Unplug it. I don't know.

I have my own problems In the real world. Aah! Yes, you do, suzie q.

How many secret rooms Do you have?

I don't know What you're talking about.

But I spoke with jimmie. Sounds Like you got that situation

Back on track. Gotta say, I did not see that coming. Well, I went that extra mile

And temporarily brought Dutch aboard. Hmm.

The guy knows cars. He's been At jimmie's all morning,

Talking shop, Bonding with the crew.

Apparently, he's killing it. It must be killing you. You were willing to hire

Your mortal enemy to get this Job done? I underestimated you.

Yes, you did. I mean, working side by side

With the guy Who's mashing bits--

I know, I know, But it doesn't bother me.

Aw, man. Hoagies are our thing.

Yay, you're back.

That must mean You set up the cameras

In jimmie's garage, right? Almost, camster.

Now that I've earned everyone's Respect, it's easy-peasy.

Tomorrow afternoon, I'll be alone in the garage.

I'll plant the cameras then. It's really great you're helping Cam out on this, babe.

Had to be done. My girl's asexual bestie was

Begging and crying me To do him a solid. Wasn't crying, plenty sexual.

You are just so sweet lately.

First, the trip to new york, Now this. Can you believe it?

No. I cannot believe it.

Okay, so my favorite Childhood memory

Was this one christmas I went To central park with my dad.

We sat on a bench, We ate pizza,

We froze our balls off In the snow. It was awesome!

Dutch is giving me that Whole trip all over again.

We're flying first class And everything.

Really? First class. Sounds expensive.

Nah, it's just 2 grand. But stupid romantic.

We're staying at the plaza.

* hotel sex, hotel sex *

Are you kidding me?! I paid for That trip, melanie, not him.

Dutch has been lying to you. He's jobless and couchless,

And he lost all his money Playing online poker! You lied to me?

Only about my job, my money, And my suit,

Which thinking about it now, I probably took off a dead guy.

Melanie, wait. No.

We can't cancel that trip. I didn't get travel insurance.

You couldn't afford it!

(cameron) I'm sorry.

I lost my temper and I shouldn't Have said anything.

No, I'm glad you did. He's a lying jerk.

Man, was I wrong about him.

If you want to hoagie it up Tomorrow and talk about it,

I'm your man.

Yeah, we could do that, or we Could go get smashed right now.

(high-pitched voice) fo' sho! Never say that again.

(normal voice) absolutely. First round's on me.

All right, But no shots, okay?

'cause I'll get A little alco-horny,

And I'll end up using your body For angry revenge sex.

Yeah.

That would be awful.

Just...

(whispers) yuck.

(dutch) one, two, tres, cuatro.

* you dropped a deuce On my heart, baby *

* you tore it all apart, baby *

(off-key) * yeah *

(beeps) (dutch) hey, man. I know you've been calling me

About finishing that job, But I'm in a real dark place--

Mostly 'cause they cut off My electricity,

But also 'cause mel left me.

I know I promised I'd finish, But unless my boo forgives me,

I'm not gettin' up Off this floor.

It's dutch, by the way.

Dutch nilbog.

(beep)

(sighs) whatever it takes.

I'm taking off. Wait. Wait. Not so fast.

We've got work to do, And it's not gonna be pleasant.

We're going to get dutch And melanie back together.

(gags)

All right, Thanks for your help on this.

Here's the deal--the only way to Get my desk out of geek siberia

Is to get dutch to finish That nascar job.

The only way to do that Is to mend his broken heart,

Which means we need A grand, romantic gesture. Yay!

Inclusion! It's finally happening!

Operation cupid Is in full effect.

We're gonna use every resource Contra has to pull off this job,

Starting with...

Check one. Check one.

Popping p's. Popping p's.

Sibilance. Sibilance.

Hey, mel. Could you help me out With this crossword?

Five letters,

"A jump rope style,"

"Double" blank.

Dutch.

(melanie) dutch. Dutch. Dutch.

"Terrible hairstyle For a bald man." Comb-over.

(melanie) comb-over. Comb-over.

One letter, comes after "B." (melanie) "C."

What kind of crossword Are you doing?

I was just... Wondering If you'd read my romance novel.

(melanie) sorry. Busy. I really need to go. (typing)

I really--I really need to go.

(melanie) dutch. Comb-over.

Comb-over.

(strums chord) (cell phone rings, beep)

Mel? Is that you? (taps key)

(melanie) dutch... I really need to...

See... You. (taps keys)

Really?

Comb-over. Come over?

I'll be right there!

(cameron) once dutch takes The bait, I'll trigger

The fire alarm to get melanie Out of her apartment.

(alarm blaring)

(cameron) all right, we got Two minutes. Go, go, go, go!

(electronic whir) El niño is up and running. Kill the alarm.

I'm on it. All right, projector's up. (blaring stops)

(josh) hot pie coming in. Wine is fine.

(dutch) mel?

(whispers) what the...

Dutch?

Oh, my god.

(gasps)

It's christmas In central park.

Did you do all this?

No. I can't take credit For this, mel.

If I did, I'd just Be lying, and...

I never wanna lie To you again.

I made up that job And bought you that trip

So I could get you Everything.

Look, I know I'm not perfect.

I mean, I'm close, but...

I love you With all my heart,

And hopefully, That can be everything.

Come here.

(kisses)

What do you say You pop open that wine?

And I'll heat up this pizza. Hey, you better hurry, 'cause, Uh, I gotta be at jimmie's

First thing in the morning To get those cameras set up.

And after close inspection Of the security camera footage,

I've uncovered Who's been tampering

With jimmie's communications.

Turns out it wasn't sabotage.

Ba-bam!

A 1982 swony A.M./f.M. Cassette player.

Wait. You mean sony.

Nope. Swony--

A cheap guatemalan knockoff.

You see, tito here... (latin music playing)

Was playing the same radio During the last race.

The oddball frequency Interfered with the headset

And caused a ruckus.

So I gave him an ipod, And jimmie is safe again.

Wait. I loaned you my ipod.

You said you wanted to burn My billy joel...

(lowered voice) Workout playlist.

Well done, dutch!

Case closed. Smoke 'em If you got 'em, which I do. (beep)

(dutch) whoo!

Hey, boss, uh, look, I gotta talk to you.

Um, I messed up. I went against your wishes

And I tinkered With the copier,

And now it's sentient And wants me dead.

Ah, don't worry about it. I've seen this happen before.

I'll take care of it. (sighs) thanks. I-I swear, I will never try

To mess with anything In the office again.

(door opens)

(beeps, door closes)

(whirs)

You just got oz'd.

(beep) Possible catchphrase.

Hey.

So I just wanted To thank you.

I mean, dutch does A lot of sweet things,

But I gotta say, what you Pulled off was pretty epic.

Oh, it's just A part of the job.

Well, thanks. Well done.

You really went the distance On this one.

You got your desk back. Thank you.

No, I should be thanking you. I mean, this job made me realize

I need a good mechanic And a wheelman. Tea bag!

Ow! Aah, it burns. Whoo! Classic me!

Classic you, dutch. Yeah, I hired dutch on Full-time.

(whispers) what? No. Please don't. Please. Please--

Already done. Good luck With that numbers game.

You guys want to get some lunch? Usually it's just me and cam,

But you know what? Why don't we all go? Sweet. I'm buyin'.

You're buyin'. Not so fast, kids.

As a token of his appreciation,

Jimmie has offered us A bitchin' bonus.

(engine roars)

Ha ha! Ha!

Get 'er done!

(engine revs)

My entire body is vibrating!

Oh, this feels exceptional On my undercarriage.

Is there a warp speed Or something?

Where's warp speed? Whoo-hoo-hoo!

How am I doing, jimmie?!

That's pretty weak, oz.

Maybe you should've been The tap dancer. Shutty! (grunts)

(engine revs)