Original subtitles

(asher roth) * I'm nice, right? I-I feel good *

* that party last night was Awfully crazy *

* I wish we taped it *

* I danced my face off and had This one girl completely naked *

* drink my drink And smoke my... *

* but my good friends is All I need *

* pass out at 3:00, Wake up at 10:00 *

* go out to eat, Then do it again *

Hey. I'm here. I have the money. Shh. Act cool, all right?

***

Professor dugan's password Is "Password"?

Yeah, for a creative writing Teacher, he's not very creative.

Just log in and change Your grade to an "A." You're the man, cameron.

So I've been told.

* gotta head back to class For a little bit *

* that party last night was Awfully crazy *

* I wish we taped it *

Eagle one returning to the nest.

* I danced my face off and had This one girl completely naked *

(keys jangle) Have a seat there, champ.

Gah! Who the hell are you?

I'm the guy telling you to sit Your ass down. That's who I am. Uh, you know, if you're looking

To score some weed, rasta ron Just lives down the hall.

Name's oz. I own a company Called contra security.

This is melanie, Our team's lovely lock-picker.

You should upgrade To a dead bolt.

And lock your porno drawer.

(door opens and closes) We test security systems-- Homes, business. We do it all.

People hire us To break into their companies

Before the criminals do.

Your museum definitely needs Better security.

But I get why She's a masterpiece.

The woman's got four boobs And no mouth.

Good news, senator. I managed To secure your e-mail. (clink)

Bad news--your wife Knows you're into dudes.

Well, what does that Have to do with me?

Well, the university hired us to See if we could find any holes

In their computer network.

Guess what we found hiding In one of those holes--you.

Oh, god. It's quite genius, actually.

You hacked your way Into admissions,

Got yourself a full scholarship, Faculty parking,

And somehow managed to get Two rooms all to yourself. Yeah, I registered as twins.

Equally impressive--

You selling midterms To earn beer money.

Thank you, but... You've got no proof.

(toilet flushes) Well, you're out Of toilet paper

And now the last four pages Of "Chamber of secrets."

(book thuds) Believe you two have met.

This is josh armstrong, My intel man.

Intel? No, that's duncan. He's in my french class.

Bonjour.

I'm a transfer student.

Name's Duncan. Duncan manutts.

Manutts. Damn it!

I got a proposition for ya.

It seems that I am, uh, suddenly In need of a new intern.

You mean, like, Filing and xeroxing? And hacking into

The world's most impenetrable Security systems.

All right, well, lots to Chew on, but I have to say no.

Do I look like Your prom date?

"No" is not an option.

Here's how it's gonna go--

You're either Gonna come work for me,

Or I'm gonna turn you over To the college,

And you're gonna go to jail.

You a cuddler, cam? You look cuddly.

I mean, Not in jail-y kinda way.

***

(man) * we got your back *

* 9 to 5's never been This vicious * * under attack *

* and we're All up in your business *

* whoa, whoa, whoa *

* we got your back *

Cookie puss.

Cookie-- Puss. Ice cream cake.

Intern's always in charge Of the office birthday,

And there's one on friday. Yeah, I know.

You've been telling me For the last two weeks, carol. Mm.

I'll get to it. Look, I'm gonna, you know... Okay.

Yo, new. Bam!

Han solo costume for dragon con. I know you're a fan of the wars.

You got any interest in being my Chewbacca? (imitates chewbacca)

I don't--I don't think so.

What, newbie? A black man Can only play lando calrissian?

Is that it? Obama! No, it's just--

You're setting me up for another One of your office pranks.

My desk?

Who the hell...

Boom goes the dynamite! (hums dance music)

I'm serious, my wookiee.

Think about it While I get my shunky on. (coins clink, beeping)

We have a team meeting. We don't have time for candy. You're gonna have to wait.

My mouth is about to have sex With this candy bar. (wrapper crinkles)

Ooh, girl! Ooh, what? Give me Some of that fine sugar. Mmm!

Mmm! Ooh, yeah. That really doesn't look Consensual.

She's over 18, So, you know... Hmm?

Mayfair motors--

They specialize In ferraris, lamborghinis,

Your basic 4-wheel, Italian panty-droppers.

The dealership wants To make sure that

Their security's impenetrable, So they've hired us to see

If we can get in there, Steal one of their cars

Off the showroom floor. It's go time, people.

Team leader needs To bring the heat! Good, because I am flaming.

(cameron chuckles) As much as I appreciate The, uh, razzmatazz,

I'm going With eeny, meeny, miny, you.

Me? Uh, I don't know the first Thing about stealing a car. You spend all day

Playing "Grand theft auto." You should be fine.

(cell phone ringing) It's a video game.

It doesn't mean I know how to kill prostitutes. I gotta take this. I'm closing

That security contract for The airport in vizplazikstan.

Is that a country? Not yet, but if all goes According to plan,

It will be in ten months. Hey! Bahut bahut shukriya.

Phir milaiyin ge. Was he speaking "Avatar"?

I know it's not klingon, 'cause I speak that fluently.

Hey, found your scissors, College boy.

You know, so you can Stab 'em in my back.

(scissors thud) Yeah, I'll aim for Your girlie butterfly tattoo.

It's a dragonfly, And the chicks dig it.

Oh, my god. We have The same butterfly tattoo.

I am top dog in this office.

The mayfield motors job Was mine.

Great. And you can have it. I have to study for midterms.

I was gonna go tell oz To put you in charge. That's how you're gonna play it?

No, you're clearly the best, And I'm in no way debating that. You know what this is?

(grunts) it's a gun rack. (imitates gun cocking)

Watch yourself.

(knock on door)

Hey, cam the man, Come on in. Hey, listen, uh...

Got some fantastic news.

My personalized b.B.Q. Branding iron just arrived.

Lord, I love skymall.

It's like a mall, But in the sky.

Got a bunch of stuff

On the plane ride to dubai Last night. Weren't you here last night?

I was, until I went to dubai.

Goober?

Uh, yeah. Thanks.

Whoa! Looks just like kirk's Chair from "Star trek"!

It is. Shatner gave it to us When we helped secure his home

From a fanboy stalker. That's how we met cash.

("Star trek" theme playing) Captain kirk, it's me again.

Did you get my friend request?

You gon' beam me up?

Beam me up. Not today, ensign psycho.

Beam a brother up!

Get up!

Only team leader Gets to sit in the chair,

And you're here to bail On the carjacking. It's only because I--

You'd rather stay in college Where you're king pimp? Kinda. And I just--

Afraid that working for me Means popping

Your safe little college bubble And entering the real world? How are you--

Doing that? I'm in your head.

Look, stealing a car was Never part of the deal. The deal's what I say it is.

Unless you'd like to pay back Your college tuition right now. No. I--

(beep) Yikes! Seven years. That's pretty pricey.

$350,000? That's--I'll just--

I'll disappear. I'll go off the grid. (beep)

This grid? That goober you ate Was a tracking device.

Looks to me like you're No longer the smartest kid

In class, cam. I'd like A silver lamborghini, please.

Oh, and, uh, get that Cookie puss and one of those

Giant novelty cards. They're Funny 'cause they're big.

So you just met with oz.

Yes. And you ate a goober.

Yes. So you're Still our team leader.

Yes, and I don't understand Why he's putting me in charge.

You'll never know. Oz has a plan.

Well, my plan was To stay in college

Until I die of happiness. Well, I think you should Give this place a chance.

I think you'll find We're pretty good people here.

And... Boom! Goes the dynamite.

Sorry, But gotta haze the new guy.

That's how every office works. No. No, That's how this office works.

In the real world, It's a felony.

You want a ride home? Yeah, that'd be great. Can you do that?

I got you.

You may want to move it, though. They tow on tuesdays.

You're late, kirk cameron.

Yeah, 'cause cash keeps Pranking me and ruining my life. I'll allow it.

Oh, come on, Newbie, tuesdays?

You can't hate on a guy for Pulling a little office prank.

A little office prank Is xeroxing your butt.

You have 161 I.Q. You don't know how to do little.

(gary glitter's "Rock and roll (part 2)" playing)

* hey! *

* hey! *

* hey! *

You my boy, okay, The chewie to my solo.

Let me explain how this works. Prank a brother back.

Earn my respect, And the hazing stops. It's not rush week.

I have to break Into a car dealership

And bust out of this job. And buy a cake.

And buy a cake.

(beeps) Come to papa.

(clicks) No. No, no, no, no.

Team meeting in ten.

So you want to dance. (whispers) let's dance.

So let me get this straight--

You gathered us all here In your douche-icle

So you could tell us you have no Idea what the hell you're doing.

Look, I'm team leader, All right? So listen up.

Cash, uh, can you plot Our route to the car? Cool?

Yeah, I'll work on it. First, I gotta get me that shunky. Bernice in accounting?

Chocolate bar. But for the record...

(high-pitched voice) * tempted *

Okay. Uh, josh, I'll leave The intel up to you.

Think you can smooth-talk The receptionist?

I don't have time To rob mayfield motors.

I've got three dates tonight. How is that even possible?

Don't call me. I'll be multi-assing.

Peace. This meeting's adjourned, Right?

Now let's go crack a safe.

(whirs)

You're really good At this stuff.

Well, people always expected me To do beauty pageants

And bake cookies And all that crap,

But I kinda went The other way.

So... Talk to me, goose. What's your deal, huh?

Gotta be more to you than Pimp parties and beer bongs.

No, I'm just your average 27-year-old college student

With 12 majors, Living the dream.

Really? So how long you think That dream's gonna last?

Probably another ten years,

And then I'll hack my way Into grad school. Sounds like a great plan.

Trust me, college is heaven Compared to how I grew up. (groans)

Coccyx. The spelling is c-o-c...

(laughter)

(laughs)

(mouth full) no one's Gonna pants you here.

No, just, uh, cement my desk To the ceiling.

Let's not forget the crazy man With the pitching wedge

Blackmailing me To steal a car. You realize that's happening

Because we like you, right?

Hey, listen, You want to maybe grab-- (tires screeching)

(dance music playing) (laughs)

Dutch!

Get over here and give Papa smurf some sugar.

Oh! (grunts)

Oh! Cam, this is My boyfriend dutch. What's up?

Hey, you look smart. Can I have some urine?

Ex-excuse me?

Yeah, dutch sells clean urine On ebay

So people can pass Their drug tests.

Huh? Sounds... Illegal.

Ah, it's a moral gray area,

But it's totally paid For gold thunder over there. Yeah. It's really cool, dude.

Come with the racing stripe? Why don't you ask your Underpants that question? Face!

(blows raspberry) I'm calling You about that nerd pee,

All right, my man? Hey. Got you A little somethin' somethin'.

What is this? I've taken a matchbook

From every restaurant We've ever been to.

Look, I know you moved around A lot as a kid,

So I want you to feel like you Always have a home, in my arms.

Oh!

It's highly flammable.

I love the crap Out of this woman! (grunts)

My god. I mean, usually My boyfriends are such tools,

But dutch... (engine starts)

He's... Not. (dance music resumes playing)

I mean, he's really made this The best birthday ever.

It's--it's your birthday? Yeah.

I'm on cake duty. Okay, Anything but a cookie puss.

I'm lactose-intolerant.

Yeah, me, too.

Me, too.

***

(mouse clicks)

(click)

Hey, buttercup.

Nowhere On that computer screen

Do I see the words "Lamb" or "Ghini."

Looks like you're hacking Mel's life. What gives?

The least I could do is get her The perfect cake, right? Take a piece of advice.

Melanie's our safecracker Because that chick is wild.

How wild we talkin'?

(tires screech)

You bought a bike?

Nope. Cool.

Trust me. That's one roller Coaster you do not want to ride.

Now holster your pistol there, Quick draw. (slap)

I need you to focus On what's important.

All right, here's the plan.

I'll walk you through it In 30 short minutes. You have 60 seconds. Go.

Uh, oh... Webster's defines "Security"

As "The quality Or state of being"-- 55 seconds.

Skip the preamble. Right. Okay. (cards thud)

The plan starts With our intel man josh.

Josh will pose As a prospective buyer.

(imitates european accent) I have 20 car,

But this could be good 21st.

Would you be so kind As to print travel itinerary?

I have jet to take to prague. It's no big deal.

Oh., absolutely, baron.

(beeping) (cameron) the u.S.B. Will install a back door

Onto their network So I can then shut down

Their exterior alarms.

You got 45 seconds. Go. Move. Move.

Once we're in, we'll have to Deactivate a series of lasers.

(hissing)

Let's light up the "Falcon." Go. Go. Go. Move.

(beep)

(whirring)

(cash) cam, watch those lasers. We hit a beam, and we're done.

Okay, cam, bank left.

Dock the bird, cam. Steady. Steady.

(electricity buzzes) Yes!

Car keys are kept In a multi-lock safe.

That's all melanie.

(engine revs)

(oz) all right, subside. What you got for me, huh?

Silver lamborghini, As requested.

In and out In five minutes flat.

I believe that's our first. Yeah!

(sighs) yes, it is.

You were supposed to...

Steal a car From mayfair motors.

This car...

Is from mayfield motors! (bang)

(grunts) We... Stole the wrong car?

You stole the wrong car, Sweetheart.

(sighs) missed you At work today.

I've still got a stolen car In my garage,

And someone needs to fix that. Do it yourself.

(controller clicking, beep)

Oopsy daisy. Looks like Someone broke your toy!

(grunts) (console shatters)

That was so uncool.

You know what else Isn't cool?

Sitting in your home, Where it's all safe and cozy.

Life is about either trying To dodge a bullet

Or hit a bull's-eye, And trust me, kid,

This job is the bull's-eye. But why me?

I used to be a thief--

Counterfeiting, Breaking and entering.

I spent my 21st birthday In jail for that one.

That's why they call you "Oz," After that prison show

With male frontal nudity And adult situations?

Or my last name is osbourne. That also makes sense.

Point is, I can't be caught Anywhere near a hot car.

I've got an ex-wife and kids Looking for any excuse

To cut me out of their lives. I can't help you with that car. Josh was right.

I really suck at this job. Don't let that man get into your Head. He can manipulate anyone.

I don't have time To rob mayfield motors.

The mayfield motors job Was mine.

Need any help with The mayfield motors job?

That floppy-haired Son of a bitch!

(whirring) Hey, josh, I was Wondering if maybe, uh...

Oh, dude! That's armani! I know it was you, josh.

You got in my head And made me steal the wrong car. In my defense, you fell for it.

Oz, help.

I'll allow it. Boop.

All right, here's the deal.

You have to help me Put back the hot car

And steal the right one.

Help you? I despise you. You know, before you showed up,

I was oz's golden boy. Listen, I didn't want any of this.

Exactly. You don't even Want to be here.

Look, If you help me fix this,

There's a chance oz would Let me go. Then we both win.

Fix it how? The dealership's Gonna be crawling with cops.

It's impossible. It'll be a piece of cake.

Not now, please, god.

(whispers) okay.

(keys click) This idiot's eddie gold. His dad owns mayfield motors.

I hacked into His flickr account,

Found out He's a frat boy at state. (doorbell rings)

You're not my weed dealer. 'sup, frat daddy. Name's weezer.

I'm a beta pi Over at kansas u.

I was on a little frat-cation When I had

A total frat-astrophe. (whispers) stop saying "Frat."

Any-rape, I was wondering

If maybe I could crash here For the night. Depends.

If you really are a beta, What's the secret handshake?

Our handshake. My favorite part About being in a frat. Uh, wait. Just stall him.

All right, got it.

It's, uh, fist bump, fist bump,

Pinkie lock, patty cake,

Ass smack,

Cabbage patch To double high-five.

Bro! Ho ho ho ho! Bro!

Bro! Get your beta butt in here.

Let's play some beer pong. Actually, I was thinking More tequila pong?

Nasty! (laughs)

(whispers) you know, I never thought I'd say this,

But we really make A good team.

(whispers) you know, That's so funny,

'cause I was about to say, Suck it. We'll never be a team.

(horn honks) Hey, you stole this car, man.

I stole this car? You stole this car.

I stole this car!

Edward!

Dad? Hey.

You wanna get tacos?

Okay, so we returned The stolen car. Whoop-dee-do.

You still can't get the car You were supposed to grab.

Face it, college boy, You're boned.

You know, they should Really have a gate here.

(alarm blaring) Whoa!

Whoa!

Josh, go! Go get the keys!

(cheering)

Oh, wow. Ooh!

"It's your birthday... ...Go bananas."

(laughs) that's a big card.

You pulled it off. Never doubted you for a second.

You had a lot riding On this.

The last thing I wanted was For you to go back to jail. I never went to jail.

You said when you were 21, You-- When I was 21, I went to yale.

Guess you heard that wrong.

(indistinct conversations)

You totally manipulated me.

I'll allow it.

(free energy's "Something in common" playing)

* ah, ah *

***

* baby *

* you're really thinkin' It's over *

* don't want To do this together *

* you want to do it alone *

* ah, ah, ah *

* so maybe *

(click, beep) * we got something in common *

* 'cause I'm not waiting Forever *

* ah, ah *

* by the telephone *

* ah, ah, ah *

* and now we're on our own * Hey.

Hey.

Happy birthday.

Oh. (laughter)

And you got the underpants On that one.

* baby *

* we're losing track of time *

(whirring)

Who the hell Put a pin up in the--

Boom goes the dynamite.

Newbie.

* ah, ah *