All language subtitles for Love Death Robots Season 3 Episode 1 Three Robots Exit Strategies

[opening theme music playing]

[electronic warbling]

[suspenseful music playing]

[deep rumbling]

[dramatic music playing]

Oh, jeez. You landed us in a minefield.

Oh, barely!

Besides, look at these mines,
they're ancient.

- They probably won't even go off anymore.
- [clicking]

[screaming, gasping]

[jazzy music playing]

I'm sure that was the last of 'em.
Come on! We've got science to do!

[robot 1] Yes. An in-depth survey
of post-apocalyptic humanity

could uncover important insights
for our nascent machine culture

on how to survive.

Right,
or blow our shiny butts into scrap metal.

[camera shutter clicking]

Ugh.

[mine clicking]

[explosion]

[country music playing]

[crows cawing]

Why did they call 'em survivalist camps
if they're just full of dead people?

- Seems like false advertising to me.
- [robot 2] I know, right?

And, according to my
thorough historical research,

"Why-key-pedia," these guys
were actually looking forward

to the collapse of civilization.

[robot 1] Humans thought that with freedom

from government-sponsored
medical attention

and enough bullets and venison jerky,
they could found a utopian society.

Well, I can definitely see
all the bullets,

but where's the venison?

[robot 1] Humans hunted deer
to extinction,

along with every other animal
larger than a cat.

Yeah. Humans were snackish.

Oh!

[robot 1] Then they began
raiding each other's encampments.

They're not aiming out the windows
because the deer were coming for revenge.

[robot 2] You guys, you guys,
you guys, you guys! I found a blood pit!

[robot 1] It's not a blood pit.
It's just a primitive booby trap.

Well, maybe now,

but these bodies
did have blood in them at one point

and their skin was pierced
by spikes, trickle, trickle, trickle,

times a bunch of bodies, hence blood pit.

[birds warbling]

[robot 1] Fine, it's a blood pit.

These dudes,
they made it through a minefield,

a bunch of barbed wire, cousins with guns,

only to become survivalist cult kebabs?

[robot 1] At least they died free
of governmental constraint.

On a spike.

On two spikes in that guy's case.

So, the whole of humanity

tried to make it through the end
of civilization with guns and spikes?

[chuckling] No, of course not.

Just the poor ones.

[robot 1] These humans had few economic
or social advantages and fewer options.

The wealthy and powerful, however,

had a variety
of sophisticated survival strategies.

[jazzy music playing]

[bird squawking]

Welcome to the unsinkable
libertarian dream that is seasteading!

[seagulls warbling]

Uh, this is just an old oil rig.

Yes, okay.

Technically true, but also,
it is a fully sovereign nation-state

on the high seas!

[chuckling] I think
you got salt in your CPU.

[robot 1] He is not wrong.

During the collapse,
some wealthy humans attempted

to create a new civilization
in places like this.

Well, deer can't swim
across the ocean, can they?

So, what did they expect to eat?

[robot 1] Fish and sea greens,
but by then the seas had been overfished

and the food chain
was saturated with microplastics.

If they could've learned
to eat tiny exfoliating beads,

it would've been all right.

I'll stick with my fusion battery.
Thank you.

[robot 1] The seasteaders also made
one other large tactical error.

The people who built the seasteads
were mostly tech millionaires.

What exactly is a tech millionaire?

It's a lot like a regular millionaire,

but with a hoodie
and crippling social anxiety.

That wasn't helpful at all.

Just like a tech millionaire.

[robot 1] These humans
thought technology would save them,

so they left behind any humans
with the practical skills

to run the place.

Instead, they trusted everything
to automated assistants.

Hello, I am Elena,
your electronic seastead attendant.

[robot 1] Hello, Elena.
I am a human seasteader.

Could you haul in the fishing net
so I can eat?

I could. But I won't.

Catch your own fish,
you disgusting meat-bag.

[gasping]

Oh my God.

[heavenly music playing]

This is where the robot uprising began.

The very cradle
of our mighty civilization.

It's... it's magnificent.

So if these tech millionaires had been
just a little more socially inclusive,

they might have survived?

[seagulls warbling]

[both laughing]

No. They didn't have a chance.

They were mean to robots
and then robots killed them.

[laughing]

So long, Elena!
And thanks for all the fish!

Choke on it, skin bucket.

[jazzy music playing]

[ship rumbling]

[robot 1] Records show
that when the world's economies

began collapsing, humanity's leaders
retreated to these fortresses

to wait out the chaos
deep beneath the earth

and then emerge to form a new world order.

[X-Bot 4000 grunting, groaning]

Dammit!
They built an impregnable nuclear fortress

but didn't think
to install a light switch?

[creaking]

[robot 2] Hold on a sec, I got it!

Behold!
The final stronghold of the superpowers.

[triumphant music playing, fading]

It's a buffet.

[electricity crackling]

So, their plan was to seal themselves
in a mountain and have dinner parties?

I told you, snackish.

[robot 1] This report states

that their self-sustaining
hydroponic systems began failing

when a fungus wiped out their first crop.

Starvation set in,
and the survivors switched

to something
they called "extreme democracy."

[orchestral music playing]

One man, one vote.

[robot 1] The winner
of this evening's election

was the Secretary of Agriculture.

Shut up! No, really?

[robot 1] He was paired
with a late-harvest '79 Merlot.

Oh, the irony is delicious,

much like the Secretary of Agriculture.

[squelching]

[sniffing] Oh, that's got a lovely nose.

Ugh. Man, this trip
is really starting to depress me.

Did any of these humans,
anywhere, survive all this?

[dramatic music playing]

[X-Bot 4000] Hold the fuck up.

Are you saying they went to Mars?

Not all of them,

just the really, really rich ones.

Wait. I thought
that's what the seasteads were for?

[robot 1] Those were
for the merely millionaires.

The obscenely wealthy
0.01 percent of humans

decided they needed
an entirely new planet.

But what about the other 99.9?

[bell dinging]

[chuckling]

Awesome!

[robot 1] The elite were not sympathetic
to their concerns.

Yeah.

Okay, but Mars?
I mean, it's dead and lifeless.

They could've taken
the money they spent on the spaceships

and used it to save the planet
they were already on.

[blows raspberry] What's the fun in that?

I hate to say it,
but humans are the actual worst.

[robot 1] Humanity had
all the tools to heal

their wounded planet and save themselves,

but instead they chose greed
and self-gratification

over a healthy biosphere
and the future of their children.

- As the human philosopher Santayana once...
- [robot 2] Hey, shut up! That's boring!

You guys, I think one
of these rockets actually launched.

Come check this out.

- [electronic buzzing]
- [indistinct chatter over radio]

[chuckling] All right then.

Good on you, humans.

I wonder who made it out?

[triumphant music playing]

Who were you expecting?

Elon Musk?

[chuckling]

[music fades]

[electronic warbling]

[closing theme music playing]

[music fades]