Original subtitles

He's no longer in pain, Marusya. We'll cry it out.

Nothing left to do, my girl.

It's okay.

Tomorrow's the first memorial, you may come light candles.

The next ones are day 9, 40, 6 months, and a year.

Burial complete. Good health to you all.

KIMI MOREV

Whenever anyone says Russia's exclusively for Russians,

I think: bullshit!

Everyone knows Russia's for the depressed.

Or at least for realists.

Take me, for example:

in 2005, I was 16

and I was positive it was my last year on Earth.

♪ Very soon and for always ♪

♪ My youth will pass ♪

♪ Burn yourself and burn me ♪

♪ While we're here and now ♪

♪ For always ♪

♪ D For always p ♪

♪ Autumn's right outside the window ♪

♪ 'Bout to slam your heart in the door ♪

I barely ate, slept 14 hours a day,

was failing chemistry,

and, one by one, my friends were killing themselves.

I just thought that's what it meant to be a teen,

and I didn't like it.

I'd wake up trying to avoid thinking about suicide.

I'd brush my teeth trying to avoid thinking about suicide.

I'd have breakfast trying to... You get the point.

Don't all responsible adults try to do everything they can

to avoid killing themselves?

I, too, tried to do everything I could.

With a utility knife,

sharp paper edges,

manicure scissors,

pins, plastic school rulers,

shards of my favorite mixtapes,

broken light bulbs,

and fingernails, when nothing else was available.

Pall Malls 8s, please.

Thanks.

Product placement!

I remember thinking

that if I was already doing so bad at 16

that things were probably only going to get worse.

So after weighing the pros and cons, I made a rational choice:

that year was gonna be my last.

But then,

at a grunge forum, I met Kimi.

Hey everyone, you're watching Fire TV!

Blow It Show is on the air

and I'm its superstar host MC Silk.

We're all here to celebrate wrapping.

Let's have a chat with the crew,

starting with the director!

Hello, darling! This is Marusya.

Let's ask her some questions about the film.

Marusya!

Yeah...

- Marusya... - Turn off the lights.

So what's your film about?

And here's the man responsible for it all.

His name's Kimi.

Was this shoot hard for you?

- No. - No?

I'm in the hospital.

I knew right away Kimi was my kind of person.

He had scars on his wrists.

We were both raised in broken homes

and he knew every single Joy Division song by heart.

Kimi was a year older

and a freshman history major,

while I dreamed of making films.

Alexander the Great conquered the entire world.

Except America.

And Australia.

Alexander the Great conquered everything.

- He didn't know about America. - Or Australia.

Nor Russia.

He didn't get Africa either.

No, not South Africa.

The guy didn't get horizons.

When he'd see mountains,

he thought he was at the edge of the world, so he never went further.

He was brilliant in that he set out

to conquer the entire world, not just a part of it.

He makes everyone else look pathetic.

Regular goals are like buying a TV, or car,

or more drugs to get high as fuck.

But he realized that if you dream of conquering Europe,

your life will be over after

because you'll have nothing left to live for.

'Cause good luck coming up with a new dream at 50!

I think it's awesome he had no limits. He was totally free.

You know how many other pricks were like that? Napoleon for one.

It's beer time.

Give me that beer.

Kimi had many talents.

He was a damn good swimmer.

He loved animals.

Rabbit, be careful crossing the road.

He wrote prose and poetry.

And he made me laugh.

Kimi was perfect!

Where is this?

Samara.

They're super fat.

Huh?

- They're fat. - Come on.

Kimi saw how shitty I felt. He said he'd been there a lot.

Why won't it focus?

It should.

It's on autofocus.

Your zits are out of focus.

I'm shooting them up close.

They're taking up the whole frame.

Very cool!

Kimi once read an article on healthyrussia.ru

that said the best way to fight depression

was to meditate... on the dead.

That only by observing every stage of decomposition

could we come to terms with death and be cured.

- Are you filming me? - Yes.

That wasn't a great take.

Cut.

Here.

- I don't want to smoke. - You don't?

Then I will.

I think everyone's tired of my shit.

They're fine, chill.

Everything's fine.

We're all just tired.

Go to bed.

Not while you're like this.

Who knows what you'll get up to...

When I felt especially bad,

Kimi'd just sit next to me

and make jokes like:

"I thought no one had it worse than me, but you gave me hope."

He gave me a lot of fucking strength!

Hey, doggie!

It was one of those shows

where you had to scream into people's ears to be heard.

The stage lights fell on Kimi in such a way that I suddenly realized

that we were about to have our first kiss.

We kiss, but Kimi's nose suddenly starts bleeding.

We're both covered in blood,

laughing at the absurdity of it all.

And then it hits me my band's about to play.

They were already setting up on stage.

I ran out on stage looking like De Palma's Carrie,

after she was doused in pig's blood at the prom.

Well, maybe not as gnarly, but that's how I felt.

We did a quick soundcheck and started playing.

Just look at those faces!

MARUSYA, MARRY ME!

Kimi, do you feel like you're building a family unit?

Yup.

- What are your future pIans? - Adopting another cat.

- You filming? - Yup.

Have you noticed our son's dumb?

Doesn't take after me...

lan!

We named Ian after Joy Division's Ian Curtis.

Ian Curtis did hang himself at 23,

but cat's don't usually live that long so we figured

the chances of Ian repeating his namesake's destiny were slim.

What happened here?

So I wake up and I'm super confused.

Yesterday, I woke up and thought:

"Fuck, I'm going blind."

I forgot I took my contacts out.

So this time I wake up

to something warm and wet in my groin, near my ass.

I'm like: "What the fuck, did I shit myself?"

I didn't even drink last night.

I don't even remember the last time I got wasted.

So then what the hell did I eat to shit myself?

It felt wet and sticky like freaking diarrhea.

Like what the hell? There's no way I shat myself!

Then, I feel Ian at my feet,

so I figured he shat the bed while Marusya and I were asleep,

and we rolled around in his shit.

Now I'm thinking it's 8:10 and I have to get in the shower

wash off the shit, wash the sheets, and bed.

Fucking shit!

Then I realize I'm gonna have

to touch this shit in the shower anyway.

So I feel it and realize Ian's been licking me.

It was actually a trail of cat saliva

and not his lukewarm diarrhea.

I sighed in relief and skipped the shower.

Nope, not there!

That is an awesome record.

First song's not that good...

- See anything in the scope? - Yeah.

- I can shoot someone next door. - Let me see.

Die, bitch, die!

- Let me see. - Got a strong recoil.

How the hell do hitmen hold it for hours?

I lived in the center while Kimi lived in N.Butovo, on the outskirts of Moscow.

Butovo's had a bad rep since the 90s.

Kimi'd call it a branch of hell of Earth,

but his voice betrayed pride for his neighborhood.

The end of the 1930s saw mass executions in Butovo.

NORTH BUTOVO

Pichushkin, the Bitsa serial killer,

hung out nearby in the 2000s.

He killed around 50 people in the Bitsa Forest.

There was also the anonymous Butovo arsonist

who obviously had a hard-on for watching expensive cars burn.

If the Depression Federation was to have a center,

Butovo would be a perfect fit.

- Are they blind? - No.

They're six weeks.

They want a home.

It's gonna burn, sometimes, it burns here.

Look, fire!

You'll scare them.

The kittens will go deaf.

Put him back. It's a boy.

- So furry. - Put him back.

I found a kitten a home before.

- What are you doing? - Shooting the cats.

On camera.

Lilu!

Shall we?

Hi there. It's Kimi on "Sugartime."

- We're talking about things we shouldn't, - Kimi, come on!

...but you can cut it out later.

I suppose my gauntness is tied to those particularly

tough and turbulent years in the history of our godforsaken country.

Before I'd even gone to school, or my dad died,

my mom was suing her job

while my dad was fired for no reason.

We didn't have much to eat.

Each morning, my parents left my sister and I two cups of tea

and a sugar bowl. The fridge was completely empty.

There wasn't even bread.

I eventually figured out

that if you have 8,10,12 spoons of sugar,

the glucose will abate the hunger.

It's a habit that stayed with me, just like fear

of opening the fridge and finding it empty.

My gorgeous hair!

Stop or I'm gonna cry.

It was like Kimi made the world... bearable.

I now had my own family.

I guess I finally felt

...happiness?

Or something like it.

Should be enough for both?

- Yeah? - Just a tad for me.

The flag of the Russian Federation

is gripped by a robotic arm.

Installing the flag.

That's it!

Russia's flag's been planted in the seabed of the North Pole.

- We made contact! - And you were worried.

Standing firm!

- You filming? - Yup, got it all!

I'm proud they got both the Russian and Soviet flag.

Then there's also the practical value.

Where do we go from here?

To not only develop, but control the Arctic?

...people follow the rules they've signed off on.

Rules?

You know what's more important than rules?

Except we never signed off on anything.

I didn't vote for the 1993 Constitution.

They did it for you.

It was ratified with only a 30% turnout.

Only 30% showed up, but there was a clause

stating that the turnout didn't matter.

Yeah, one vote was enough.

Like, seriously,

shouldn't a democracy

amend its Constitution?

Not every four years, of course, but at least every 10 or 20 years.

For 22 years, I lived under a Constitution

I never voted for.

That's really fucked up.

Shitshow's about to start.

Russia! Russia!

For the first time in 20 years,

Russia's made it to the UEFA semis.

It was back in 1988 that the USSR

reached the finals, but lost to the Netherlands.

Now in Swiss Basel, Russians defeated the Dutchmen

who were considered Euro 2008 favorites.

Russia!

Though we didn't give a shit about soccer,

we did briefly get caught up in that overall sense of joy and unity.

We wanted to close our eyes and believe in the impossible.

In everything turning out okay for both the team and us.

- Should we go that way? - Yeah!

Kimi!

Hurray!

Russia, our beloved country...

Louder! Louder! Louder!

It's totally real.

Russia's coming! Europe, watch out!

- Marusya, move! - I'm fine.

Russia! Russia! Russia!

Sunshine, let's go home.

Let's go.

Marusya!

If you're a fan of the happily ever after genre,

you should probably stop watching.

...0613. Yeah, okay. I'll pay in the next 30 min.

Thanks for letting me know.

Fuck, Timur's dead.

I was just thinking how he owed me $40.

the other day.

He's owed it for a while.

He owed more,

but I'd let it go over and over.

And then, I gave him $40 this summer.

Told him, "forget it."

You getting ready?

If anyone asks, we're going to the movies.

Timur wasn't even the first.

Lyosha jumped off the roof.

Ilya threw himself under a car.

Natasha went by golden shot.

The other Lyosha also OD'd after he helped Natasha.

Kirill hanged himself. Stas died in a car accident.

Lena also OD'd.

We definitely thought we might be next.

We tried fighting those thoughts the best we could.

If the cops ask, what are we shooting?

An assignment for film school.

A walk through nighttime Moscow.

Seriously, we gotta have a good plan.

No drugs here!

We might need to go in.

Why?

Thought we had to, no?

- Did she give a door code? - Can you stop filming?

- Why? - So you can help.

I can help while filming.

Stop treading, Marusya.

Entrance 11, on the right side.

Under the green advertisement stand.

The black baggie is taped under the fence.

Someone neglected to consider everything's covered in snow...

Finally. Let's go.

He already found his stash!

And I found mine.

It's right inside the putty.

- Video quality's great! - Yeah, it's really good.

Your zit's on display.

Come here.

Where's the stop button?

Great...

Yup, it's methadone.

What should we do? They're not letting us in.

They're having a party without us!

There was a pawnshop next door called Tick-Tock.

A giant broken clock hung over the entrance.

It was the kingdom of the eternal 6 a.m. or 6 p.m,

depending on how you were feeling.

We were walking by it once and I joked:

"Kimi, if you ever turn into a total junkie and decide to pawn everything...

...like my jewelry, mp3 player, and all that,

you won't have to go far."

He laughed so hard that day,

but that's exactly what ended up happening.

We didn't notice the 2000s end.

It's just like they morphed into a bad trip.

Go Russians! Go Russians! Go Russians!

RUSSIAN REVOLT FUCK THE MIGRANTS!

Kimi often spoke of his father,

a pro swimmer and sports journalist.

Like many others in the 90s, he went into commerce.

He sold everything from Gzhel porcelain

to toilet lids at the market.

Kimi was 9 when he died.

Kimi and his sister were home.

They tried calling an ambulance,

but the dispatcher thought it was just kids playing a prank.

Now my head's all glittery!

Kimi's brother Andryusha was 18 years older.

Despite their age difference, they were really close.

Just put it right behind the ears.

You can also do it this way,

but basically, just right behind the ears.

Cologne goes here and behind the ears—

- That's aftershave, not cologne. - Aftershave?

Sweet! Does it have alcohol?

- Yeah, cologne's what you spray. - Got it.

It says "aftershave" on the box.

I just shaved. I'll try it out later.

Put it on your palms and then on your cheeks.

You don't need much.

I'm stocked she got me both!

Feel free to borrow them.

This one's good.

Whenever...

Yeah, nice.

I'm gonna be a real dandy.

I'll find me a girl with braids and a car with a good stereo,

and go to Crimea or Abkhazia.

Got my teeth fixed so I can bite nipples now!

Andryusha was in prison a lot,

usually on drug charges.

Kimi'd sew a phone into a stuffed Pikachu

and send it to him in prison.

They'd call each other often and talk for a while.

It was like he was on an all-inclusive vacation somewhere in Turkey.

♪ The blizzard is back. ♪

♪ The past languishes in the darkness. ♪

Your eyes are crossed. You're drunk.

I promised nothing.

You promised me the New Year's gift of getting a job.

I didn't say which year.

- Which then? - 2014. 2015.

Kimi could joke around all he wanted,

but we all knew who wore the pants in the family.

Tatyana Vasilievna was a swim coach.

After her husband died, she raised three kids on her own.

She was also a pro at small talk.

Did you hear they were selling heroin by the metro?

- No, who said? - It was on the news.

$13 a gram.

Know what they were using? It was...

...a cash-in-transit van. Can you imagine?

Clients coming, knocking on the door...

Super sneaky!

Dummy!

Creep!

Drunkass!

NEW YEARS ADDRESS OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE RUSSIAN FEDERATION DMITRIY MEDVEDEV

Dear citizens of Russia, dear friends:

In a few moments, the Kremlin chimes will strike

and we'll wish each other a Happy New Year

It's been exactly 20 years since we celebrated our first New Year

in a country called Russia.

A name tied to the illustrious deeds of our great ancestors,

who spent centuries building a vast and incredibly powerful nation,

creating a great country.

Believe in yourselves!

- I believe in every one of you! - Oh, wow...

And we'll all succeed!

Screw you!

I wish you all happiness!

Happy 2012!

Let's get up.

It's finally here.

Marusya.

Bit much for me.

Oh, Marusya!

I'm curious.

- What is it? - I don't know.

- Where do I press? - Hang on.

Hold it like this, push the red button, and look through here.

Film something that's moving.

I was the oldest child.

Mom, you're in the way!

When you're the firstborn, you don't know yet

if your parents will be any good.

It's their first time being parents,

and that first pancake's often lumpy.

But my childhood was pretty freaking awesome!

We lived in a huge three-story house.

And I was only late to school when they closed off the roads

for Putin who lived nearby.

There was a giant bowl of Chupa-Chups on the fridge

and I had unlimited access.

Dear Russians!

- Little time remains... - Mom, smile!

...for me to share an important decision.

I am resigning.

So that's it!

Dear Russians,

dear compatriots,

the powers of Head of State have been turned over to me today.

The freedom of speech, choice,

- mass media, - Here were go again...

and the freedom of ownership,

are the cornerstones of our society.

and will be protected...

Mom, smile!

My parents never argued or fought.

They never spoke of anything grave or unpleasant.

Dad, smile!

That's why I didn't even know they'd divorced.

They didn't even tell me.

Grandma accidentally told me.

That's awful.

Senya! Senya!

Get us lookin' fly!

Losers.

We're Charlie's Angels!

We had 3kg of beef, 2kg of pork,

10 tomatoes, 10 cucumbers, packaged mushrooms,

a bag of charcoal, and a super heavy BBQ.

A sort of "Fear and Grilling in Las Vegas,"

except we were only 700km from home.

We found a pond in the Leningrad region,

unloaded everything,

and Kimi suddenly took off to get drugs.

He took our only car,

just leaving me there.

One by one, the hours passed,

it started raining,

and I realized that even if Kimi came back for me,

it wouldn't be anytime soon.

That's when I had a realization about Kimi's priorities.

It was more painful than cutting myself with a utility knife,

sharp paper edges, manicure scissors, pins, rulers,

and other knick-knacks.

This was super fucked up.

Kimi went to rehab.

After rehab, he went to another rehab.

And then another and then another.

To quit, you have to want to quit

but Kimi didn't.

Pressuring him made him pull away,

and just keep lying.

It was the lies that disappointed me the most

because they meant that heroin

was now more important to him than me.

I had a lot of trouble accepting this.

We must become more responsive and benevolent,

generous and caring, toward our loved ones,

children, and parents.

As we face the future, we hope for positive, joyful change.

Our futures are tied to Russia's,

to those heartfelt, noble feelings toward our Motherland.

The development and advancement of its 1,000-year-long histo...

I wish you a happy 2013!

On December 18th, at 3:26 p.m.,

Kimi and I got divorced.

How's Lilu?

Fine. She's lying on the floor.

Is she happy?

I don't know, she hasn't shared.

Probably. I just fed them.

Then she is.

So nothing new going on?

No.

So you're just going to work and that's it?

Yup, I go to work. And drink.

Aren't you bored?

What does it matter?

To you or...?

- Huh? - You're gone.

So, you're not bored?

It doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing matters.

Let's talk later. Or I'll start crying.

What?

Let's talk later.

When?

Tomorrow.

You have work.

After work.

- Okay, bye then. - Sorry.

I had a plan:

eat healthy,

wake up early, or at least before noon,

do yoga,

actually enroll in yoga,

do laundry regularly,

and to go faraway for a while.

Once, at a dinner party in Brooklyn,

I caught myself desperately wanting

to be back in North Butovo.

Then Kimi called

and said he was going to jump off a bridge,

and that I had to film it.

I yelled at him and didn't go.

That river's really shallow, and he could've died.

But he jumped anyway and found someone to film it.

When Kimi decided to do something, it was impossible to stop him.

Come on!

Drunk dumbass!

- Holy shit! - You alive?

Our hero's done it! He jumped!

- I can't move my right arm. - It's okay.

You're fucking nuts.

We didn't talk him out of it, so he jumped!

You'll be "pleasantly surprised," tomorrow.

Kimi didn't change much on the outside,

but on the inside, his self-destruction was growing.

You feelin' okay?

How're you?

Not better.

I'm emotionally drained, you know how that is.

I constantly feel like crying.

But I gotta...

...keep moving.

What about you? You okay?

Yeah, just feeling blue.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

No need to feel blue.

Geez!

Nice jeans, soft.

Feel it.

It's so hard.

- Ugh! - Push down harder.

It's hard like a rock!

I became afraid of waking up

and finding out Kimi was gone.

That's probably how Kimi felt when I was 16.

Kimi suggested we film more and always stay together.

Rec's on.

You have gotta say something. Hello...

Hello!

I SPENT THE BEST DAYS OF MY LITTLE LIFE HERE. Kimi

I can't feel the part of my thumb, by the nail anymore.

It happened after the paramedics barely resuscitated me last time.

I was clinically dead.

For 4-6 minutes.

Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I was having a tough time.

I started using hard drugs again and shooting methadone.

And, well, I shot up more than usual,

though I realized it was too much.

You often crave that risk when shooting.

It's like Russian Roulette.

Pouring the right amount and then topping it off.

It's super dangerous, but sometimes you want to.

What happened?

I got up from the couch, pulled the needle out of my arm,

and all I had time to think was: "This is it."

Life didn't flash before my eyes, just total darkness.

No time for goodbyes. This is the end.

Bedtime.

Hi, my son, Andryusha Pimonenko,

was in critical condition in intensive care yesterday.

How is he?

Unit 7.

Andryusha Andreivich...

Okay.

Okay, thanks a lot.

He's still in intensive care, no fever.

- Still in intensive care. - Okay.

- In critical condition. - Still?

He said he was going to die on Tuesday.

But God postponed his death by a week.

He might die tonight or he might make it.

Were you scared to die?

- No. - No?

No, but it was hard being resurrected.

Weren't you scared when you OD'd?

You don't feel or remember anything.

That's why I wanted to go this way.

Because you don't feel anything.

You just disappear.

How do you know?

It's like going to sleep.

You fall asleep and don't wake up.

It's not like jumping off a roof,

slamming into the ground,

and laying there for another 30 min.

Wondering if they'll save you

when it's obvious they won't.

Your insides are smashed.

Now that's fucking hard. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

OD'ing isn't like that. You shoot up, fall asleep, and don't wake up.

Weren't you scared of not waking up? Of it really being the end?

No.

No, I wasn't.

You thinking of trying?

To die?

Well, I think I'll have to at some point.

Well, yeah.

You don't need to.

You're doing all right.

Doesn't make sense for you.

But it does for you?

I lack the basics: work, money.

I got why Andryusha dreamt of falling asleep forever,

but I had a different relationship with reality.

Free political prisoners! Free political prisoners!

Kimi had a different remedy:

pregabalin, methadone, clomipramine,

fluvoxamine, chlorprothixene, amitriptyline,

alprazolam, diazepam, phenazepam,

codeine, tramadol,

trihexyphenidyl, etaperazin,

diphenhydramine, amphetamine.

Kimi took them all in various proportions and combinations.

And then, he had a brilliant idea—

what if the State paid for everything?

Shouldn't it compensate the psychological damage it caused?

1. DON'T THINK 2. IF YOU THINK—DON'T SPEAK.

3. IF YOU THINK AND SPEAK — DON'T WRITE.

4. IF YOU THINK, SPEAK, WRITE — DON'T SIGN.

5. IF YOU THINK, SPEAK, WRITE AND SIGN — DON'T BE SURPRISED.

FELIX DZERZHINSKY

- It's what I do. - Yeah, me too.

You fix people and I need fixing.

Let's see here...

Okay, so you woke up this morning...

- How did you feel? - I had anxiety.

You woke up and had generalized anxiety?

Yeah for no reason.

It's there until I leave my flat or get busy.

- What time did you wake up today? - 9.00 a.m.

- And the anxiety appeared immediately? - Yes, immediately.

I also had something bad happen last night. I woke up...

...I'll show you.

I lost a tooth. This one right here.

- Do you have anxiety now? - No, I don't.

I feel better when I'm here.

When I come here, I feel better. I know I'll get my meds.

- Are you anxious while we're talking? - Just a little.

Can you localize it?

Yeah, talking to you distracts me and I brought Marusya along.

- No, where is it? Chest area? - Yeah, in my chest.

I see.

But it's not as bad now.

Last week, I was just on the couch, staring at the ceiling.

Did you take your morning dose?

No, I'm going to take it now.

- That's pretty late. - Yeah.

- What benefits are they giving you? - Utility bills, electricity,

public transportation,

and that's it.

They promised sanatorium treatment.

Well, it's more of a rest than treatment.

If you decline, you get $2.5 more a month.

I declined the first time,

but now I'm gonna go.

I need to go to the welfare office and ask about the options.

They usually give tickets for both the patient and chaperone.

Maybe we'll go with my mom.

Shit, I'm worried.

My doc wants to see your film when it comes out,

but I've definitely said things

that'll get me kicked out.

We'll make him a special version.

Director Edition!

Director's Edition... Yeah.

He's super fucking curious!

Kimi was confident he was beating the healthcare system.

Or was it beating him?

The meds in Kimi were taking up more space

than Kimi himself.

More than my Kimi.

But some were jealous of Kimi's prowess.

I wanted to check into a psychiatric hospital and get on disability,

but my mom said I couldn't because the psychiatrist says I'm fine.

It's total bullshit.

How can I be fine if I'm like this?

- You wanted to get on disability? - Yeah.

I don't think it's that easy.

I think they like check everything.

They can check all they want.

Could you pretend to be psycho?

Sure, why not? If Kimi can, I can too.

I think... he's got a talent for it.

Maybe.

Kimi insisted he had everything under control.

But can you really control anything in the Depression Federation?

Other than your syringe and other means of self-destruction?

Going on disability resulted in an unfortunate side effect:

Kimi had to stay at a mental hospital.

More often than he would've liked.

♪ Foggy thoughts ♪

♪ Disturbing my sleep ♪

♪ Everything is stuck ♪

♪ Someone's gotta say: ♪

♪ This isn't me. ♪

♪ This isn't me. ♪

♪ This isn't me. ♪

♪ This isn't me. ♪

♪ You're alumni ♪ ♪ of the Institute of Violence ♪

♪ This isn't me. ♪

What the fuck?

When I was 15, my parents got scared

and put me in a psychiatric hospital.

Basically, it's a scary place where you're completely helpless

and completely alone.

Maybe she'll take you home?

They've got their own rules, they can't just discharge you.

The medics who brought me here said I didn't need to be hospitalized,

but my mom insisted.

So they had to, but they didn't think

I needed to be.

When I saw the doctor,

he also asked why they brought me in

over sleep talking.

There's people that sleepwalk, even go outside,

and then don't remember anything,

and they're considered sane. I was just talking loudly in your sleep.

Can't you discharge yourself?

Asking for anything here

is like talking to the hard of hearing.

But you're over 18!

You consent to treatment upon being admitted.

- Did you sign anything? - Of course!

It's a closed ward.

If you're acting up, they can hold a panel,

to declare you legally insane,

certifying you can't be responsible for yourself.

And then that's it.

It's rare, though. They just keep you locked up.

Sometimes, you only get to see your doc. every two months.

He'll see you once and that's it.

So if you feel bad because of the meds,

they just keep giving you the same ones.

A change of meds is very unlikely.

They just up your dosage or shoot it.

Or put you on a drip.

It's better to say you're fine and the meds are working,

then you might only spend 14 or 21 days here.

I heard it's usually 21.

I mean I know it is.

It's fucking hard to get cigarettes

and the food's inedible.

Quick, hide it!

I don't like his current condition.

He won't get better here, I should take him home.

I felt fine for the past 6 months.

I started going to the gym.

OK, but why'd you go drink with your buddy?

- It was only once! - Once's enough.

- A demon seduced me. - Right, a demon...

You're the demon!

Don't be mad, I really wanted to see you.

I'm not mad, it's a compliment.

My nose and ears aren't what they used to be.

Doesn't bode well...

How will I live without you?

That's a question of who dies first. You really think it'll be me?

I'm going to outlive you.

I'm indestructible!

Here, drink.

Worrying about nonsense...

I really am worried about you!

It's all in God's hands.

It's not up to us how long we'll live.

I already told you, death is the 3rd birth.

After death, you're born into eternal life.

Don't be scared of death.

1st birth's when you're born, 2nd's when you're baptized,

and the 3rd's when you die.

Those are the three births of man.

I was reading an Orthodox calendar.

It said if you need to quit drinking or drugs,

or beat your demons,

you have to drink holy water on an empty stomach for six weeks.

Yeah, I heard about that.

We'll try it with the Lord's prayer.

We'll try.

Andryusha's already on it. I poured him a carafe of holy water.

He hasn't shot up in two or three days.

You have to set goals for yourself

and decide what you want out of life.

- Do you want to live or die? - Yeah.

Marusya's got a goal and films all day long.

She's keeping busy, unlike you.

Yup.

You're just go to hospital, every three months,

like it's your job.

Dear citizens of Russia!

Dear friends!

2016!

That wonderful sensation between the past and the future

goes back to childhood.

We look forward to it with joy, hope, and anticipation.

The best is yet to come!

Life's fucking merciless.

I wanted to be president when I was little.

But something went wrong.

It all went to shit.

When, do you think?

Probably when my dad died. I gave into despair.

It's hard to count on anything good happening

when people can pass that abruptly.

There's no guarantees, neither in Christianity,

nor in work, nor in drugs.

Anything can happen to anyone and that scares me.

But meds help me not give a shit

and that makes me happy.

If you stare long enough at the windows across the street,

you'll see us in one of them.

But in a parallel universe

where Kimi and I are still married.

We have three kids. I help them with homework.

I make breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I iron Kimi's shirts, while he's at endless work meetings...

...at the Kremlin.

He comes home late and tired.

We're both tired. We don't even kiss when we see each other.

Maybe we've grown disappointed in each other.

Maybe we low-key hate each other, or even outright.

Maybe we should be grateful that's not case...

And that despite everything, we're still together,

holding onto Alexander the Great's precepts

of unlimited agency and free will.

It weren't for you, I'd run away.

If they'd let me out by myself I'd never come back.

- Would they? - They used to before.

What are they gonna do if I take the metro out of here?

Would they even look for me?

Where would you go?

I'd get on the metro

and go to Max's until things died down.

Except they might get the cops involved...

Still, the treatment is voluntary...

The problem is I don't know the consequences.

If I knew what they were, I'd run away right now.

Let's go pray in the chapel.

I'm not even doing bad things anymore.

I'm trying to be a good person.

I help everyone.

I go to church and the gym.

I just smoke too much.

But it seems I'll have to pay for my sins for the rest of my life.

It's just a week, not the rest of your life.

I just wanted to be a good person.

A good son, a good husband, a good brother.

I never let people down.

I'm always ready to help. I'm kind.

Why is this happening to me?

I'm in a mental hospital for the fifth time in two years!

No movies, no internet...

...nothing.

Can't even listen to music... I don't even remember what it sounds like!

- Kimi, don't be sad. - How can I not?

- We'll get through this. - You think?

Are visitors allowed tomorrow?

No, but they are the day after! I'll bring your favorite magazines.

- Wednesday? - Yeah.

- Mom's coming on Thursday? - Yup!

I got a tooth missing, I don't want to smile.

I felt really bad for Kimi,

but I sometimes got the feeling

that he spoke to the camera and not me.

He was also drinking a ton of chifir at the hospital,

and chifir makes you cry.

Regardless of how sincere he was,

Kimi was doing really bad.

I'm finally home.

Home sweet home!

Dasha, we're back.

Frozen like an ice pack!

Listen to those purrs!

He's purring out of despair...

Come, I'll show you where I put your socks and underwear.

You only need a little. Wet your hair and use a drop.

Spread the foam around. Don't use half the bottle.

- Deal? - Deal.

- Wait, that's mine! - Just once!

Why do you need it? It's for your face, you don't need it.

- I do! I was in the hospital. - Okay, fine.

- Does it go on dry skin? - No, wet.

- How long's it take? - Wash it off immediately.

- Did you get your meds? - Yeah, next dose's at 8 p.m.

Is that enough?

Yeah.

Bomb!

Freakin' awesome!

Gonna wait for it to kick in.

Until what kicks in...?

It works immediately. Wash it off.

- Come on, it's gonna sting! - Let it sting.

It means the pathogens are dying.

Nuh-uh!

Dasha, I'm smarter than you. Deal with it.

You're a silly woman who wears a push-up bra.

Why are you trying to argue?

A friend once told me,

never trust a woman in a push-up bra.

Wow, so clean!

Gonna leave the matches. Nobody'll steal them.

- I'm going to take a shower. - You high already?

No way. It's the meds!

You sure? You seem high.

- High? - Just a bit...

No drugs for me, at least for six months.

I gotta wait.

A year even.

I look fine.

Go to the kitchen, I'll be there in a sec.

Kimi!

Kimi's mom found a syringe in the sink!

The sink?

What?

She's mad.

No idea where it came from.

- Really? - Really!

Cat, cat kitty-cat. Gotta pet the cat.

I'm gonna make popcorn. Want some?

Did you take something?

Leftovers.

Where from?

Andryusha.

Two cotton balls.

Not my best moment,

but I barely feel anything.

Andryusha'll be pissed his cooker's gone.

I'll get him a new one.

Where'd it go?

Mom took it.

I left it in the bathroom.

It's so beautiful!

Time to put on Slowdive.

Then, November 4, 2016 happened

and you died, Kimi.

If there's life after death

then it's digital like this.

Where you remain pixelated forever.

Where each moment of our lives repeats over and over.

For Marusya.

I remember the scent of your hair,

the brand of shampoo you liked,

the little stretch marks on your tiny bottom.

I also remember the battle was tough

and that death was near.

I remember saying, "Never again"

and not believing it.

I remember loving you, despite everything,

and you being the most important person in my life.

I remember when your brother was little and his nose bled at night.

And your dad's little daughters.

We were little ourselves.

I loved you in a simple way, banal even,

but more than anyone I ever knew.

I, a man that often drank with women I didn't love,

embracing those I didn't believe in.

I have so much left to say

and even more to do for you.

And, even now, I'm ready to kill for you

because as long as I'm alive, no one can ever

wrap you in ribbons of sorrow.

I'm yours and you are probably mine,

I'll owe you until the very end,

and some more afterwards.

You'll stand alone at my funeral

and I'll stand behind you.

I'll hold your hand tight, as tight as I can.

I buried my dad and my best friends.

I survived two clinical deaths.

I saw you between the charges of a defibrillator;

And knew that next to you, I was immortal.

Please forgive me for letting you all down.

For putting it all on the line.

For not being entirely honest.

For forsaking Ian and Lilu.

For the cold I had in my soul.

I didn't know life would turn out this way.

That I would be that indebted to you.

But it wasn't all for naught,

I know there's many good years ahead of us.

If you can, forgive me.

I believe that you can.

And if not, I'll never know.

I'll go on living and loving you the only way I know how.

We met when I was 16 in my "last year."

And now I am twice as old.

You were there for me, insisting things would get better.

Things don't get better, you just get used to the pain and all that shit.

Remember how we joked that everyone over 30

was a cunt?

Well, here I am entering the age of cuntdom.

I gotta go.

Thanks for being great company, Kimi.

I miss you.