All language subtitles for English.Teacher.2024.S01E08.WEB.H264-SuccessfulCrab.en[cc]

- [students chattering]
- [Evan] Good work.

And make sure to get those papers in.

Mr. Marquez,

can I talk to you for a second?

Uh, yeah. What's up, Eddie?

I've been having some thoughts.

Oh, my God. Suicidal.

- You want me to call somebody?
- No, no. I-It's about my orientation.

I guess you would call it an...

I-I think I'm...

I-I think I'm gay.

And I know that you're gay.

And I thought
that maybe you could help me or,

like, talk me through
how to tell the people in my life

'cause this is all just so new and scary,

and I could really use some support.

What? You're scared to come out?
It's 2024.

Just go in the hall and say "I'm gay."

I-I'm sorry, I don't mean to be mean.
Like, I can't help you with this. This is...

I grew up in the '90s. That was different.

J-Just go and get advice
from kids your age.

I mean, if you want somebody to talk to,
go talk to one of the many out gay kids

at this school, you know.

Yeah. [stutters] Okay.

But be careful, don't talk to
one of those nonspecific queer kids

who may or may not be doing it for clout.

Those people are mostly straight.

- Don't tell anybody I said that.
- Yeah.

You're gonna wanna find, like,
a real gay person.

Like, classic gay vibes, you know?

"Queen-y." You know?

Should be easy to identify.
Don't tell anybody I said that.

Somebody your age.

They'll help you more than me,
I think. [chuckles]

But great... great. Thanks. Very good.

Okay, I'll see you later. Bye.

I don't know.
I just feel like you don't listen to me

when I tell you what I want.
I don't want a birthday event, Malcolm.

Oh, my God, you fucking nerd.

It's not an event.
It's you and me going to a bar.

It's a leather daddy bar.

People need to have fun
in this life. I'm sorry.

You and me are going
to fucking Tom of Austin

for your 35th motherfucking birthday

because you are a gay man in your prime
and someone needs to suck your dick.

[shushes, whispering] I'm at school.

Nobody needs to suck my dick.

[Malcolm] I need to suck your dick.

I'm kidding. No, we're friends, remember?

I have an outfit picked out for you.
It's cunt as hell.

No, I'm not wearing whatever
you have planned. I'm not wearing it.

Yes. Yes, it's cute. It's comfy.
You're gonna love it. Bye.

["Bizarre Love Triangle" playing]

♪ Every time I see you falling ♪

♪ I get down on my knees and pray ♪

♪ I'm waiting for that final moment ♪

I feel like my balls are hanging
out of these shorts.

Yeah, they're shorts, babe.

Well, I haven't dressed
like this since I was 24.

Some people still think you're 24.

Nobody thinks I'm 24, Malcolm.

I mean, they do when you're with me.

They're like,
"Look at those two 20-somethings.

They have their life ahead of them.

- Are they going to an Ice Spice concert?"
- [chuckles]

- "I like them."
- Just get inside the bar.

If some parent sees me here, they're
probably gonna try to hate-crime me.

[Malcolm] Oh, my God. Not everyone
in the world is a homophobe

- as much as you'd love that.
- Malcolm, I know we're in Austin,

but you forget we are also in Texas.

Yeah, we are at a gay bar in Texas,

in a gay bar parking lot
filled with gay people's cars.

And you, I know you think you're
the only gay man in this universe, but...

I feel like I hear that you're about to
start talking

- about Berlin again, am I right?
- I actually wasn't.

But let's fucking go there, baby,

because in Berlin,
your life is your work is your life,

- and you can actually be yourself...
- Right. "Your life is your work"...

- ...in any environment. Don't... Don't...
- That perspective is what got you fired.

I resigned like a US president.

This could be fun actually.

Ew. You're attracted to the most, like,
basic bodybuilder bodies.

It's so embarrassing.

You can just say you're jealous.

I'm... [stammers] I'm not jealous of him.

Uh, it's been a while since I've been
around just gay people. It's really good.

I'm doing something
that's not work for once.

He's 35. You don't need to check it.

Thirty-five. I'm younger. Check mine.

[dance music playing]

[group] Surprise!

- [guests] Happy birthday.
- Oh, my God.

Happy birthday, Ev. Remember us?

Happy birthday.

[actors moaning, grunting]

Oh, my God. [chuckles]

[actor grunts] You like that?

This is insane, okay?

You cannot bring people like the people
I work with to a place like this.

- They're gonna freak the fuck out.
- [Malcolm] God.

Oh, my God. Daddy, chill. It's fine.

- They deserve to freak out.
- They don't need to be freaked out.

- Moretti is here?
- Yeah.

You brought Grant Moretti to this bar?

Oh, I get it.
[stammering] I... I have to... Just...

Is this your idea of,
like, a fun surprise?

Yes. Yeah. That's why I did it.

I gotta say you're acting,
like, a little not grateful.

You should just smile.
Smile. Have fun. Have fun.

- Evan, Evan, Evan. Malcolm, hello.
- Hi.

I just need to disclose quickly

that since there are more
than three faculty members here,

this is technically a school event,
so I just... just act accordingly.

And happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Are... Are you okay?

Of course, of course.
I'm open-minded. I'm open-minded.

I'm a little uncomfortable,
but I'm working through it. Hello.

Excuse me. Don't touch him. Goodbye.

- Thank you, sir.
- Later.

Thank you. He's not interested.

You know there's fisting porn
on three of the televisions here?

Oh, God.

[Malcolm] All the TVs
are playing the same thing.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
They all seem to be different ones.

There's a... [stammers] You know,
traditional missionary style on one.

Of course, it's between two men
who are about 40 years old.

Why? Why am I talking about this?

Grant, it's very sweet that you came,

but just...
You don't need to stay here, okay?

No, no, no, stay. Come on.

I'm gonna do a little performance later
that might turn you on.

[chuckles] I remember why it was good
you resigned, Malcolm.

[kisses] See? Thank you. I resigned.

Please just stay for one more hour.

All right. [stammers]

Maybe a drink then and, uh,
hopefully some wings as well.

I don't think they have wings,
but there is a cum-themed Bundt cake

that, uh, looks pretty good to me.

Maybe just a drink then.

He's gonna get roofied because of you.

[Malcolm] Oh, my God.
They're not that bad for you.

[club music playing]

- Chuck.
- Uh...

It's me, dude, Markie Hillridge, man.

We played football together
in high school.

- Oh, my... Markie?
- Exactly.

- What the fuck, dude?
- Dude. [laughs]

- [Chuck] How are you?
- Holy shit.

- Ah, It's been forever.
- [Chuck] I know.

What are you doing here?

I'm here at this birthday party.
Is that why you're here? You got a party?

Uh, no, we're just...
You know, we're just hanging, uh...

Wait,

you ended up marrying Kathy Durham,
didn't you?

Briefly, yeah.

- Oh. What a dime-piece, man.
- Yeah, w-we're divorced.

- What?
- Uh. Yeah.

Can I get her number?
I'm kidding. That sucks, man.

I mean, you guys were,
like, joined at the hip

from junior high to graduation and shit.

Y'all were perfect. What happened?

Markie, I'm gay.

What?

I sleep with men.

Okay. But... Oh, sure,
but you weren't gay in high school.

I was. Uh, yeah, I was in the closet.

Huh.

So, we beat Westlake
with a gay quarterback?

- That's what you're saying?
- Yeah, you did.

What? Like, 300 yards?

- That game was some shit.
- At least.

I wish you had come out the moment we won.

- I came out in the shower after.
- [laughs]

This outfit is incredible.

Oh, thanks. Yeah,
Malcolm gave me this stuff.

It's so hot.

Nick knows he doesn't have
to be here, right?

No, that is what I wanna talk
to you about.

- We broke up.
- What?

- I know.
- When?

Like... Just, like... Hey. Whoa.

Okay, thank you.
I'm gonna take, uh, this one. Mm-hmm.

Mmm. [mumbles]

A few hours ago.

I just, like, hit a breaking point.

- With the pool stuff?
- Yeah, with the pool.

And then like, in hindsight, that pool,
like, him digging his own pool is just

a way for him to pretend to be
busy instead of looking for a job.

Yeah, we all knew that.

I didn't wanna say anything.
I didn't want you to worry about me.

I-I knew it.

It was painfully obvious to everyone.

[chuckles] Sure. Right.
Well, now you know the truth.

- Gwen.
- Yes, baby.

You really don't have to be here.

What? No. Are you kidding?

I'm... It's your birthday.

And I am definitely
gonna find a new man tonight.

Mama is loose.

- You're on the loose.
- Oh, my God. I'm on the loose. [laughs]

Wait, do you want a drink?
Let me get another drink.

- How many shots have you had?
- [chuckles] I'm gonna get laid.

- [chuckles] No. Maybe.
- Okay.

[laughs] Yo, Ev,
you know your friend Daniel?

- Who?
- Daniel, your friend, that guy over there.

[Evan] That's not my friend.

That's, like, a random waiter I met once.

He was telling me about poppers.

Okay, I wasn't gonna come out tonight, but
then I thought, the community. I need it.

[laughs]

Wait. So, can you finish
explaining what poppers are?

Remember the videos I showed you
of guys bottoming?

- People use poppers for that.
- [Rick] Oh.

- Yo.
- [Daniel] Oh, my God.

The whole gang's officially
back together again.

Yeah.

- Who are you?
- Come on, hon.

Guys, I'm down to try poppers.

I-I got you.

I got you, boo. Here... Here's mine.

- All right, boys. I got the poppers.
- [crowd cheering]

I just had a crazy idea.

I've been trying
to get a community together

of artists and people
who dance and sex workers.

If you guys are in, I will leave my place.

I have a little bit of settlement money
from when I sued California Pizza Kitchen.

We have to go.

Good luck, babe.

Thank you.

- [Evan] Hey.
- Hey.

Kinda surprised to see you here.

I feel like you've been sort of
avoiding me since the homecoming debacle.

Yeah, I've been fully avoiding you.
[chuckles]

But Malcolm called and, um,
it's your birthday.

Well, I enjoyed it before I freaked out.

Our awkward kiss thing.

- Yeah, right before the freak-out?
- [Evan] Yeah.

Oh, it was great. Yeah.

What are you guys talking about?

- Hi. Me? [chuckles]
- Hi.

- [Malcolm] How are you?
- How are you?

- [Malcolm] I'm good.
- How's the, um...

- What is it that you do again?
- [chuckles]

Uh, thank you so much for asking.
I'm a dancer.

Uh, yeah, but right now I'm working
as a software engineer

for a very innovative tech start-up.

What is the start-up?

We provide tents
for unhoused people, um, through an app.

Unhoused people
actually can't access an app

'cause they don't have phones.
But they haven't thought...

They're not called "cell-less."
They're called homeless. They have phones.

And why do you need the app?
Why can't you just give people the tents?

So many people keep asking me that.

But, you know, we're partnering
with North Face, which is really cool.

Whoa.

- [dance music playing]
- [Rick] Oh. Look at those guys.

Precious.

You know, you can get it with someone.
I swear to God, you really...

- Oh.
- [Gwen shrieks]

Hey, you slut. How are you?

There is not a single straight guy
in the house.

That's crazy.

[all] Hug. I love you.

Oh, there's the pot of gold
at the end of the rainbow.

- Oh, Markie, I love you too.
- [Markie] Hey.

- Hey. Cool.
- [Gwen] Aw.

You're such a positive force in my life.

And I am just so lucky to know you.
You're so great.

- Do I ever tell you that?
- [mouthing words]

Wow. I say that about you all the time.

I feel the same way.
I've always wanted to say this to you.

Oh, my God.
I'm gonna see about the karaoke situation.

- [Evan] Got it.
- [Malcolm] Yeah.

I don't think they have karaoke in here.

- No, they let you if you're persistent.
- [Gwen shrieks]

- Gwen is so drunk.
- More porn on the TVs.

[chuckles] That's better.
You're welcome, by the way.

For Harry.

What do you mean?

I brokered peace between you two,
single-handedly, by the way.

You didn't broker anything.

He's just a guy
I had an awkward kiss with.

Okay. Well, now he's here and
obviously he wants to S and F you. So...

Malcolm, it doesn't matter,
because nothing can happen.

I know you care about your job.

But you do not need to be,
like, a cop in your own life.

That stupid rule doesn't mean
you can't hook up with coworkers.

It means you can't get caught
hooking up with coworkers.

You-You don't understand something so
fundamental about being a teacher.

My work and my personal life
are deeply separate things.

Will you stop talking about teaching?

I'm begging you.
It's so boring. It's so boring.

I honestly don't care. If you don't
want to hook up with Harry, don't.

But, like, him and I do have a vibe.
So, if you don't fuck him, I-I do have to.

Okay?

Oh.

- Hey, Harry.
- Hey. Hey, guys.

Did you see?
Harry walked into the bathroom.

- [Harry] Good to see you.
- Hey.

Evan, didn't you have to...

You were telling me how much
you had to go to the bathroom?

- [scoffs]
- Pee style, you said, not poop.

Bye, guys.

[sighs] Sorry. He's always trying
to make me uncomfortable.

I'm uncomfortable so much in my life, honestly.

[sighs]

This thing does not get hot.

Well, everything else around
here is working perfectly.

- [chuckling] I know.
- So...

[sighs]

So, uh...

[chuckles]

What should we do?

What do you mean? [chuckles]

I kind of dig a crazy girl.

When we did this at school,
it didn't end very well.

That's true.

But we are not at school right now.

Oh. Am I allowed to pee in here?

Yeah, of course you can pee.
It's... It's a bathroom.

No, I-I just heard that bathrooms
are high-activity areas, you know?

- It's got... Oh. Okay.
- [people moaning]

I'm so sorry, gentlemen.

Oh. Whoa, no. Good.

I'm gonna...

So, I'll see you there. [laughs]

Bye.

I'm telling you, guys.

Seriously, modern day root beer
tastes nothing like OG root beer.

- That can't be true.
- It is true. Look it up.

Hey. One sec. Evan.

Hey, man,
this place is fucking awesome, dude.

These guys are great.
They're hanging on my every word, man.

It's like they're on team Markie.
Big time.

Yeah. So basically,
these guys wanna have sex with you.

- With me?
- Yeah.

- Why?
- You're kind of a classic bear.

You think more of these guys...
Like, does everybody here want to fuck me?

- A lot of people do.
- Do you wanna fuck me?

- No, I'm good.
- Okay.

Is it making you uncomfortable?
You want me to do something about it?

No. No. Not at all.
Actually, it's very flattering.

I'm gonna hang on
to this for a little bit.

Makes you think though. You know?
Like imagine me as a gay dude.

I'd have to bang all these
dudes and probably all those dudes.

It would suck to suck that much
if you know what I'm saying.

No, but if you were gay,
you would like it.

So, it wouldn't feel like work.

No, I don't think I'd like it. Nah, sorry.

Even if I was gay as hell,

even if I was gayer than you,
I don't think I'd like it.

Guys, I'm on the root beer wiki.
It's true.

- Wow.
- [Markie] I'll catch up with you later.

Are you okay, Rick?

You look like you maybe are not okay.
What's going on?

Just doing my best
at keeping Austin weird.

[both chuckle]

Dude, poppers.

These things are gonna be
the next big thing.

I'm gonna sell these things
at a 200% markup.

- Yeah. How much of this did you do?
- [stammers] A lot.

- Yeah.
- Oh.

Can you text me so I remember?
Poppers profit straight community.

Yeah, I'll text you in a second.
I'm gonna take these with me.

- You hold steady here.
- All right, buddy.

Hope the money doesn't change me!

- I'm gonna sing a song, okay?
- No.

Hey, hey, hey!

- Just play a karaoke track.
- Hey, how are you?

- Hi.
- [Malcolm] I haven't seen you in a bit.

Great.

I'm gonna sing a ca...

a song for you
and it's gonna be a cappella.

- Okay. Kill the music, please. Thank you.
- [crowd cheering]

♪ It's gay town city ♪

♪ Oh, it's gay town city ♪

♪ Everybody loves gays ♪

♪ Everybody loves girls ♪

♪ But gays don't love girls ♪

- Oh, shit. I'm about to Shazam this one.
- [Gwen] Oh, wait. It's okay.

Do you know how hot I am
considered by men?

And not a single one of you
has even started to look at my cleavage.

- [crowd laughing]
- And that is also awful for me. [chuckles]

♪ But I'll still sing for my gays ♪

- No.
- Word, bitch.

- That was great. Give it up for you.
- Hold on. Wait!

- No, that's it. Is it?
- [crowd booing]

Keep the hag.

- [crowd] Keep the hag. Keep the hag.
- Hey, be nice!

- Do not call her hag. She's my friend.
- Malcolm, stop with the misogyny.

A white woman with red hair.
Do you know how hard she had it?

- Time to go. Goodbye. Goodbye.
- I love you, baby.

- Give it up for Gwen. Gwen.
- [crowd cheering]

Somebody gave me Ketamine.

- I don't know what that is.
- [laughs]

We're here tonight to celebrate a man.

A myth, some would say.

Maybe a legend.
Evan Marquez, our Latinx queen.

[crowd cheering]

Evan's my hero!

You know,
people will tell you in this life,

they'll say, "You can't.
You can't be gay."

- Nobody says that.
- They say that. They say that.

- Okay.
- The point is we're here to celebrate you.

[person] Mm-hmm.

All of you.

I'm gonna celebrate Evan
right now with all of me.

- [crowd chuckling] Oh.
- Hit it.

- [crowd gasps]
- ["Fade Into You" playing]

[Malcolm] Oh, yeah. It's getting sad
and sexual here.

Whoo-hoo!

Gay pride.

You know what's coming?

Something really hot.

♪ I wanna hold the hand inside... ♪

Shit.

It was supposed to be a whipped cream
reveal but it got smooshed in the jacket.

But it looked good before.

♪ I wanna hold the hand that's true ♪

Still good though, right?

I'm not going up there.

- ♪ I look to you and I see nothing ♪
- ♪ Nothing ♪

- Come on.
- Do it yourself.

No, you can come up with me.

- Get up there, Evan.
- [Malcolm] Oh, Come on. Come on.

Okay.

♪ In shadows ♪

Loser.

Loser!

- [laughs]
- [crowd cheering]

♪ Some kind of light into your darkness ♪

Harry. Harry, come up with me.

This is another teacher. Harry.

♪ I wanna... ♪

[mumbling]

- We-We've been rehearsing this for weeks.
- Weeks now.

- You know this one, right?
- [Harry] The chorus.

- You cool with this?
- [Malcolm, Harry singing]

Both your guys up there getting steamy?

Neither of them are my guys.

They're my friends. It's fine.

If I've learned nothing else
in your world,

it's that there's no such thing
as just friends.

- What does that mean?
- You know what I mean.

Come on, man. I see...

I see the way you look at Harry.
I see the way he looks at you.

You guys got chemistry.

It's fine. I'm not a jealous guy.
They can do what they want.

Look, dude. When you look at him,
it reminds me of how I look at Gwen.

- And vice versa.
- [singing continues]

What?

Come on, you don't have to be naive
or pretend like you don't see it.

There's definitely something
brewing between her and I.

With you and Gwen?

She said it by the bathroom.
"I love you, Markie." What was all that?

- Markie.
- What?

[stammers] Look, I suffer in silence
'cause I don't wanna be a home-wrecker.

[stammers] I'm sorry.
This is such new information.

I mean, you wouldn't be a home-wrecker.
She-She broke up with Nick tonight.

Who? They what?

- Gwen and Nick broke up.
- Oh, my God, dude. Toni...

It's a full moon, brother.
Tonight's our night.

It's a night you and I go
after the ones we love.

[song continues]

[both] ♪ Fade into you ♪

♪ Strange we never knew ♪

Get up there, Evan.

Get up there and plant your flag
in front of God and all these gay dudes.

[distorted] Get up there
and mark your territory.

["Nirvana" playing]

♪ Red lights and the feeling
That I needed you ♪

♪ Ooh, you love me right in Nirvana ♪

♪ So fast ♪

♪ You're the best part of a sad song ♪

♪ You got me all out of breath ♪

Yes. Yes. Yes.

♪ And I've been running... ♪

- Oh. So you're, like, in love with me now?
- Yeah. I think that's a possibility.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- [applause]
- [crowd cheering]

♪ Fade into you ♪

Evan.

I meant the other guy, dude.

Come on.

[Gwen] ♪ Gotta fade into... ♪

Doofus.

[Gwen] ♪ ...your darkness ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

Don't lay down.
That's when the spins start.

[song fades out]

- Hello?
- Be right with you. One moment please.

Okay. Rude.

Evan, I'm proud of you.

You knew Malcolm was no longer faculty,
so good for you.

You kissed the right guy.

That's not why I kissed him, Grant.

I'm not gonna live my life
by those rules anymore.

It should have been Harry. Seriously.

I said it to you, man.
Chemistry is off the charts.

He should've kissed both of them thangs.

Yeah. No. Harry is great.

But you know, Malcolm is Malcolm,
and he has a special place in my heart.

And the heart wants what it wants,
you know.

I miss the gay bar.

- [Grant] Hmm.
- You might just miss the poppers.

I miss the poppers.

Wait, where is Malcolm?

That waiter, Daniel,
invited him to an orgy.

- Unbelievable.
- Whatever. Whatever.

I accept him for who he is.

- You gotta let people be who they are.
- Whoa.

[Markie] And that's
the only relationship advice worth a damn.

- Yes.
- That is actually, like, so true.

Gwen, your voice was amazing tonight.

You were like a... You were a songbird.

A true songbird.

[clicks tongue]
I didn't sing at the bar, did I?

Mmm.

[laughs] That is damn good.

I haven't had one of these in probably,
I don't know, 20 years.

My wife forbids it.

[chuckling] Oh. Bad boy. [chuckles]

Just tonight.

It's a special night.

Why is it special?

Just feels special.

Aw.

And it's your birthday.

- Hey.
- [Rick cheers]

- [Malcolm] Hey, teachers.
- Look at this funky guy.

- I thought you went to the orgy.
- I went. It was good.

That waiter is so fucking annoying,
but he gives an almost academic blow job.

Apartment or warehouse?

Um, Home Depot stockroom.

- [Evan, Grant] Hmm.
- [chuckles]

Stocking up on cock.

[chuckling] Oh.
Look at these two lovebirds.

We had a really nice, long talk

and we are back together.

- [Rick, Evan] Aw.
- [Malcolm] That's amazing.

[Gwen] And you know why?

It's because Markie,
you said something so awesome in the car.

You said,
"You gotta let people be who they are."

- [Evan] Aw.
- [Malcolm] Oh.

- That's cute.
- [Gwen] Yeah.

Thanks, Markie, for what you said.

All right, just gonna announce something
real quick.

This pool, guys, is almost done.

I mean, it's almost ready.

But the water in it
looks like dirty sink water.

You shouldn't go in.

The filter has to be
up and running before...

Exactly.

So it's not ready is what you're saying.

- But show them the jets.
- Okay. Okay.

- I would love to see the jets.
- Let's see the jets.

- Got it on Bluetooth here.
- Bluetooth?

- Okay...
- Watch this shit.

Three, two, one.

[metal creaking]

- [Gwen] Oh, my God!
- Oh. It's the main pipe!

[Grant] No. Not on the burger.

- [Gwen] I'm shutting it down!
- [chuckling]

This is kind of...

- Kinda boyfy-boyfy?
- A little bit.

["Kissing In Swimming Pools" playing]

♪ I could repair you so gently ♪

♪ So, can we kiss in your swimming pool? ♪

♪ In this bathing suit
I would die for you ♪

♪ Maybe I don't have to leave so soon ♪

♪ You look heavenly
In this shade of blue ♪

♪ We don't have to complicate it ♪

♪ I just wanna be alone with you ♪

[song fades out]