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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:01:14,491 --> 00:01:15,993 So, this is for, uh, 2 00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:17,244 "New York Times Magazine"? 3 00:01:17,327 --> 00:01:19,454 - No. I'm sorry, that... 4 00:01:19,538 --> 00:01:21,039 there... 5 00:01:21,123 --> 00:01:23,375 mm... no, I freelance. 6 00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:24,876 I write for different magazines, 7 00:01:24,960 --> 00:01:26,503 but this is a personal matter. 8 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:27,838 - A personal matter? 9 00:01:27,921 --> 00:01:29,673 - Yes, I'm sorry. Is that okay? 10 00:01:29,756 --> 00:01:31,258 - No, it's absolutely okay. 11 00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:33,260 May I ask what-what this is regarding and...? 12 00:01:33,343 --> 00:01:36,013 - Uh, it's about my son. 13 00:01:37,055 --> 00:01:39,224 - Okay. How can I help? 14 00:01:40,309 --> 00:01:42,603 - He... 15 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:48,859 There are moments that I look at him, 16 00:01:48,942 --> 00:01:51,528 this kid that I raised, 17 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:54,698 who I thought I knew inside and out, 18 00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:57,451 and I wonder who he is. 19 00:01:59,745 --> 00:02:02,372 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 20 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,458 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 21 00:02:04,541 --> 00:02:09,338 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of 'em. 22 00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:12,382 And I guess I'm here 23 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:16,553 because I just want to know... 24 00:02:16,637 --> 00:02:19,389 all that I can about... 25 00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,224 all of it. 26 00:02:21,308 --> 00:02:23,101 Know your enemies, right? 27 00:02:23,185 --> 00:02:25,354 So... 28 00:02:27,648 --> 00:02:30,025 My two big questions are, 29 00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:32,653 wh-what is it doing to him, 30 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:36,031 and what can I do to help him? 31 00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,799 Marin General Hospital. How may I help you? 32 00:03:35,882 --> 00:03:39,136 Hi. My son has gone missing, 33 00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:41,888 and I wanted to check to see if he had... 34 00:03:41,972 --> 00:03:43,515 uh, maybe had been brought in 35 00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:46,852 or-or if-if there'd been an accident. 36 00:03:46,935 --> 00:03:49,646 - Can I have name and description, sir? 37 00:03:49,730 --> 00:03:51,189 Nicolas Sheff. 38 00:03:51,273 --> 00:03:53,608 S-H-E-F-F. 39 00:03:53,692 --> 00:03:55,152 He is... 40 00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,903 18 years old. 41 00:03:56,987 --> 00:04:00,115 He is just over six feet tall. 42 00:04:00,198 --> 00:04:01,867 About 130 pounds. 43 00:04:01,950 --> 00:04:05,078 Maybe less. I-I don't know. Um... 44 00:04:05,162 --> 00:04:07,581 He has shoulder-length brown hair 45 00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:09,750 and green eyes. 46 00:04:09,833 --> 00:04:11,501 Thank you. Please hold. 47 00:04:11,585 --> 00:04:13,587 Okay. 48 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:15,839 - Mr. Sheff? - Yes. 49 00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:18,008 Uh, there's no one by that name, sir. 50 00:04:18,091 --> 00:04:20,677 Okay. Thank you. 51 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:04,095 He's been gone for two days. 52 00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,722 What do you mean he's gone? 53 00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,682 - What's going on? - I don't know. 54 00:05:07,766 --> 00:05:09,059 - I don't know. - Two days? 55 00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,560 Why didn't you tell me sooner? 56 00:05:10,644 --> 00:05:12,479 Uh, I didn't want to worry you, I guess. 57 00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,981 - I just... - I'm his mother, David. 58 00:05:15,065 --> 00:05:16,900 Didn't you see this coming? 59 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,068 Uh, no. 60 00:05:18,151 --> 00:05:19,319 What? 61 00:05:19,402 --> 00:05:21,154 No, no, I didn't see it coming. 62 00:05:21,238 --> 00:05:23,240 If I'd seen it coming, I would've done something. 63 00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:25,575 It was just a question, David. Jesus. 64 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,828 I haven't been talking with him a lot lately. 65 00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,996 Well, maybe that's why you shouldn't be giving me advice 66 00:05:30,080 --> 00:05:31,373 in parenting, right? 67 00:05:31,456 --> 00:05:33,416 Fuck, Vicki. 68 00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:35,877 Can we just not blame each other right now? That's... 69 00:05:35,961 --> 00:05:37,838 Who's blaming who here? 70 00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:40,048 If I hardly ever see him, it's because he's supposed 71 00:05:40,131 --> 00:05:41,716 to come to L.A. for the holidays 72 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:43,802 but always finds a reason not to come. 73 00:05:43,885 --> 00:05:46,930 Well, that's not my fault, is it? 74 00:06:22,924 --> 00:06:24,467 Nic. 75 00:06:25,802 --> 00:06:27,888 Here's your little brother. 76 00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:30,181 Tight. 77 00:06:30,265 --> 00:06:31,600 Just support his head. 78 00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,775 Hi, Jasper. 79 00:06:40,859 --> 00:06:43,403 - Hi, little boy. 80 00:06:46,615 --> 00:06:48,491 This is amazing. 81 00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:53,538 He's sticking his tongue out. 82 00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,920 Hi. Nice to meet you. 83 00:07:00,003 --> 00:07:01,922 - Bye. - Bye. 84 00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:03,757 - I'll miss you this summer. - Me, too. 85 00:07:03,840 --> 00:07:05,842 - Okay, write me. - Write me back. 86 00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:07,177 Work on your French. 87 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:08,553 - Oui, madame. 88 00:07:08,637 --> 00:07:09,804 Have a great summer. 89 00:07:09,888 --> 00:07:11,806 And say hi to your mom. 90 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,937 - Everything. - Everything. 91 00:08:23,795 --> 00:08:25,588 Ya! 92 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:27,424 Come on. 93 00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,655 Hey. 94 00:08:52,365 --> 00:08:53,324 Where have you been? 95 00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:54,576 Yeah, I just need to sleep, all right? 96 00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:55,827 What have you been doing? 97 00:08:55,910 --> 00:08:57,245 I just need to sleep, all right? Leave me alone. 98 00:08:57,954 --> 00:09:01,166 Guys, go downstairs. 99 00:09:01,249 --> 00:09:03,835 I'll be there in a minute. 100 00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:37,035 Ow. 101 00:09:47,253 --> 00:09:49,839 Look, man, I'm-I'm, uh... 102 00:09:49,923 --> 00:09:54,260 I'm really sorry, all right? And-and I, uh... 103 00:09:54,344 --> 00:09:56,471 I fucked up, and it was a mistake, but... 104 00:09:56,554 --> 00:09:58,848 it was a one-time mistake, all right? I learned my lesson. 105 00:09:58,932 --> 00:10:02,268 I don't want to go through this shit again, all right? So... 106 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,436 - Let's just go inside. - No. 107 00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,687 They're professionals. 108 00:10:04,771 --> 00:10:06,606 Let's just listen to what they have to say. 109 00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,483 Look, I'm 18, all right?! You can't force me! 110 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:10,485 Hey. 111 00:10:12,654 --> 00:10:14,864 This got out of hand, right? 112 00:10:14,948 --> 00:10:16,574 Don't you think? 113 00:10:20,370 --> 00:10:22,288 Come on. 114 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:24,833 All right. 115 00:10:24,916 --> 00:10:28,628 Okay. Okay. 116 00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:34,259 I'm doing it for you. 117 00:11:02,495 --> 00:11:04,873 He needs treatment. And fast. 118 00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:07,584 There's still a lot of drugs in his system. 119 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:10,753 And, worst of all, he's in denial. 120 00:11:12,130 --> 00:11:14,299 Um, can you help him? 121 00:11:14,382 --> 00:11:16,509 Oh, yeah. I mean, 122 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:19,512 a lot of the people here are not here by choice. 123 00:11:19,596 --> 00:11:21,890 And they have just as much chance as anybody. 124 00:11:21,973 --> 00:11:23,892 Okay. 125 00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:26,102 - So, we have a free bed. 126 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:28,897 So, if you want, we can check him in for a 28-day treatment 127 00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,732 and then we evaluate. 128 00:11:32,442 --> 00:11:35,695 Um... what is your success rate? 129 00:11:35,778 --> 00:11:37,947 - On the high end, 80%. 130 00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:41,910 On the low end, 25%. 131 00:11:41,993 --> 00:11:44,871 Look, he will have daily consultations 132 00:11:44,954 --> 00:11:47,123 with a staff psychiatrist and physician. 133 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:51,085 We have daily N.A. and A.A. meetings. 134 00:11:51,169 --> 00:11:53,504 He'll be monitored very closely. 135 00:11:55,215 --> 00:11:57,133 Thank you. 136 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,345 And last page. 137 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:03,598 Everything. 138 00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,394 Everything. 139 00:12:53,731 --> 00:12:56,693 Why are you always in this room? 140 00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,903 You hardly ever come out of here. 141 00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,655 It's like you're a vampire. 142 00:13:02,365 --> 00:13:04,784 I read. 143 00:13:04,867 --> 00:13:07,370 I draw. 144 00:13:07,453 --> 00:13:09,956 You know what we should do? 145 00:13:10,039 --> 00:13:12,000 We should go surfing. 146 00:13:12,083 --> 00:13:13,793 Yeah. 147 00:13:13,876 --> 00:13:15,670 That sound good? 148 00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:18,381 I'm kind of into other things now, you know? 149 00:13:18,464 --> 00:13:22,135 Reading misanthropes and seriously depressed writers. 150 00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:23,678 Oh, come on, they're... 151 00:13:23,761 --> 00:13:25,471 they're kind of great, though, right? 152 00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:26,472 I get it. 153 00:13:28,850 --> 00:13:31,019 It'll pass, though. 154 00:13:31,102 --> 00:13:32,979 It always does. 155 00:13:33,062 --> 00:13:34,939 What does? 156 00:13:35,023 --> 00:13:39,235 The feeling of being alienated and isolated. 157 00:13:39,319 --> 00:13:41,154 Huh, that really helps. 158 00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:43,197 Thanks for the advice, Dad. 159 00:13:44,282 --> 00:13:46,242 Okay. 160 00:13:47,368 --> 00:13:49,704 All right. That was... 161 00:13:49,787 --> 00:13:51,247 That came out wrong. I'm sorry. 162 00:13:51,331 --> 00:13:53,666 Mm-mm. 163 00:14:02,592 --> 00:14:05,053 All right. Your-your idea. 164 00:14:05,136 --> 00:14:07,138 Hey. 165 00:14:08,890 --> 00:14:11,100 Hey, Dad. 166 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:14,270 So, we feel he's made great progress. 167 00:14:14,354 --> 00:14:16,481 - Right, Nic? - Hi. - Hey. 168 00:14:16,564 --> 00:14:18,274 That's great. That's great. 169 00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,318 - So we should maybe talk about the coming weeks, Nic. 170 00:14:20,401 --> 00:14:22,862 Mm. I think I need to... I think I need 171 00:14:22,945 --> 00:14:25,031 a little bit more time in rehab. So if it's... 172 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:27,367 if it's all right with you guys, I was wondering 173 00:14:27,450 --> 00:14:28,993 if I could stay in the halfway house here. 174 00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:33,498 - The halfway house is an open living facility 175 00:14:33,581 --> 00:14:35,500 with follow-up every night, 176 00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:38,961 and we would help him find a job. 177 00:14:39,045 --> 00:14:41,089 Right. I don't want to... 178 00:14:41,172 --> 00:14:46,177 go to college... right now. 179 00:14:46,260 --> 00:14:49,138 - Oh? Okay. Uh, um, and do what? 180 00:14:49,222 --> 00:14:52,683 I think I need to be independent. 181 00:14:55,186 --> 00:14:57,772 Dad, I'm telling you, this is... 182 00:14:59,816 --> 00:15:02,985 It's gonna be good. 183 00:15:03,069 --> 00:15:03,986 What is he gonna do, 184 00:15:04,070 --> 00:15:05,947 make coffee for the rest of his life? 185 00:15:06,030 --> 00:15:07,323 You know what, Frederick told me 186 00:15:07,407 --> 00:15:08,783 that they have friends that had a son 187 00:15:08,866 --> 00:15:10,785 that did a four-week program and that wasn't enough 188 00:15:10,868 --> 00:15:12,745 and now he's doing a year program. 189 00:15:12,829 --> 00:15:14,455 I wish you wouldn't talk to everybody about it. 190 00:15:17,542 --> 00:15:19,710 What does that got to do with anything? 191 00:15:19,794 --> 00:15:21,337 To protect Nic. I mean, at some point, 192 00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,214 he's gonna want to get on with his life. 193 00:15:23,297 --> 00:15:25,133 And maybe it's best that not everybody knows about this. 194 00:15:25,216 --> 00:15:26,509 Okay. 195 00:15:29,595 --> 00:15:30,972 Can we not make this about me? 196 00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,473 Uh... All right. 197 00:15:32,557 --> 00:15:33,683 Look, Nic needs some more time. 198 00:15:33,766 --> 00:15:37,854 And that's fine. 199 00:15:37,937 --> 00:15:38,855 - Okay? - Okay. 200 00:15:38,938 --> 00:15:39,814 Okay? 201 00:15:39,897 --> 00:15:41,774 Yeah, okay. 202 00:15:48,698 --> 00:15:49,866 Shh. 203 00:15:55,079 --> 00:15:56,164 David Sheff. 204 00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:57,248 Hi, Mr. Sheff. 205 00:15:57,331 --> 00:15:59,625 This is Annie Goldblum from the Ohlhoff Center. 206 00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:01,377 Oh, yes. Hi. Hello. 207 00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:03,129 Listen, I am sorry to disturb you, 208 00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:06,299 but I need to inform you about Nic. 209 00:16:06,382 --> 00:16:08,551 Okay. 210 00:16:08,634 --> 00:16:11,137 - He left the facility today during free time, 211 00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:13,931 and he hasn't returned since. 212 00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:16,642 - I'm sorry, Mr. Sheff, 213 00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,227 but please don't despair. 214 00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,396 This happens. 215 00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:25,318 But I... I thought you said he was doing so well. 216 00:16:25,401 --> 00:16:28,988 - You should think of this as part of the process. 217 00:16:29,071 --> 00:16:31,699 Relapse is a part of recovery. 218 00:16:31,782 --> 00:16:33,534 Relapse is part of recovery? 219 00:16:33,618 --> 00:16:35,953 Yeah. It-it's a part of Nic's learning process. 220 00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,331 Well, uh, that's... 221 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,918 that's like saying crashing is part of pilot training. 222 00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:45,087 - Look, he'll be back, and probably really quick. 223 00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:46,839 Do you have somebody out looking for him? 224 00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:48,257 - It is not our responsibility 225 00:16:48,341 --> 00:16:49,884 once he leaves the facility. 226 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:51,719 - Okay. - But he is welcome to... 227 00:17:05,316 --> 00:17:07,401 ♪ When I was ♪ 228 00:17:07,485 --> 00:17:10,404 ♪ An alien ♪ 229 00:17:10,488 --> 00:17:15,660 ♪ Cultures weren't opinions ♪ 230 00:17:15,743 --> 00:17:17,954 ♪ Gotta find a way, to find a way ♪ 231 00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:20,540 ♪ When I'm there ♪ 232 00:17:20,623 --> 00:17:23,209 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 233 00:17:23,292 --> 00:17:26,045 ♪ I'd better wait ♪ 234 00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,966 Excuse me. 235 00:17:30,049 --> 00:17:32,426 Have you seen a kid hanging out around here? 236 00:17:32,510 --> 00:17:34,303 - No. - No? 237 00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:36,639 Okay, thank you. 238 00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:41,519 ♪ Just because you're paranoid ♪ 239 00:17:41,602 --> 00:17:46,148 ♪ Don't mean they're not after you ♪ 240 00:17:52,488 --> 00:17:54,824 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 241 00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:57,535 ♪ When I'm there ♪ 242 00:17:57,618 --> 00:17:59,745 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 243 00:17:59,829 --> 00:18:02,582 ♪ I'd better wait ♪ 244 00:18:02,665 --> 00:18:05,585 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 245 00:18:05,668 --> 00:18:08,337 ♪ I'd better wait ♪ 246 00:18:08,421 --> 00:18:10,840 ♪ Gotta find a way, a better way ♪ 247 00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:13,467 ♪ When I'm there ♪ 248 00:18:13,551 --> 00:18:15,052 ♪ Gotta find a way ♪ 249 00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,805 ♪ Aah, aah! ♪ 250 00:18:17,888 --> 00:18:19,849 ♪ Aah! ♪ 251 00:18:22,393 --> 00:18:24,270 Wow. They don't want to deal with that. 252 00:18:24,353 --> 00:18:25,354 Hey, Dad, you want to smoke this? 253 00:18:25,438 --> 00:18:26,439 Hey, whoa. 254 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:27,940 Wait. What...? Stop. 255 00:18:28,024 --> 00:18:29,317 - Put that away. - We'll smoke this together. 256 00:18:29,400 --> 00:18:31,360 No, no, no. No. Are you cra... 257 00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:32,778 - That's crazy. - Well, I know you smoke. 258 00:18:32,862 --> 00:18:34,780 - Y... Well, yeah. I... - So let's smoke together. 259 00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,324 No, no, no. Occasionally, like... 260 00:18:36,407 --> 00:18:37,533 - Look, let's smoke to... let's smoke together. 261 00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:38,534 - Listen. - Or I could just... 262 00:18:38,618 --> 00:18:39,619 You know what? - No, stop it, stop it. 263 00:18:39,702 --> 00:18:41,495 - Stop. Stop. - I'll just light it here a... 264 00:18:41,579 --> 00:18:43,289 You know what? You're right. I'll just light it here alone. 265 00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,749 - Don't. 266 00:18:44,832 --> 00:18:45,541 Occasionally, from time to time... 267 00:18:45,625 --> 00:18:46,542 - Yeah? 268 00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,044 - I will have a hit or two at a party, 269 00:18:48,127 --> 00:18:49,962 but it's been a while, so just... 270 00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:51,297 Oh, okay, so then just smoke... 271 00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:54,008 have-have a celebratory joint with your son. 272 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,886 N-No. God, come on. 273 00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,596 No. No, you're amazing. 274 00:18:58,679 --> 00:19:00,222 You got... you applied to six colleges, 275 00:19:00,306 --> 00:19:01,349 you got into all of them? 276 00:19:01,432 --> 00:19:02,725 Yeah. 277 00:19:02,808 --> 00:19:04,644 Stop doubting yourself. 278 00:19:04,727 --> 00:19:06,354 Look at you. 279 00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:09,065 Give me that. Give me that. 280 00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:15,446 - What? 281 00:19:15,529 --> 00:19:17,281 Nice-nice hit. That was a good hit. 282 00:19:19,283 --> 00:19:21,327 - What? - Well... 283 00:19:22,870 --> 00:19:27,166 Thank you. This is a nice... 284 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,335 thing to do. 285 00:19:31,253 --> 00:19:33,214 You did a lot of drugs, right? 286 00:19:33,297 --> 00:19:35,174 I, uh... 287 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,343 Yeah, I did my share. 288 00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,095 I experimented with some drugs. 289 00:19:39,178 --> 00:19:41,180 I did. 290 00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,225 - But not harmless. - What, is this...? 291 00:19:44,308 --> 00:19:45,726 There was a guy, and... No, no. 292 00:19:45,810 --> 00:19:47,019 This is the lecture part? 293 00:19:47,103 --> 00:19:48,813 - Right? - Yes. 294 00:19:48,896 --> 00:19:50,231 Dad, you worry too much, all right? 295 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,066 - Everyone does it. - Just be careful. 296 00:19:52,149 --> 00:19:54,235 It's just a little pot. I'm just partying a little. 297 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:56,821 It's just... you know, it's just once in a while. 298 00:19:56,904 --> 00:19:58,155 Mm-hmm. 299 00:19:58,239 --> 00:19:59,782 I deserve to party a little now. 300 00:19:59,865 --> 00:20:01,742 - "Deserve to party." - I do. 301 00:20:01,826 --> 00:20:04,787 Look, it just... it takes the edge off things. 302 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:08,332 It-it... it-it takes the edge off of stupid all-day reality. 303 00:20:10,835 --> 00:20:12,670 Hmm. 304 00:20:12,753 --> 00:20:16,257 What is stupid about reality? 305 00:20:16,340 --> 00:20:17,842 You know, just like... 306 00:20:17,925 --> 00:20:22,263 like daily, stupid things that don't matter. 307 00:20:22,346 --> 00:20:23,973 - Okay. 308 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,516 You cannot say dumb shit like that, 309 00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:26,976 or you're gonna start believing it. 310 00:20:27,059 --> 00:20:28,894 Right. 311 00:20:33,441 --> 00:20:35,568 ♪ Blue, blue, electric blue ♪ 312 00:20:35,651 --> 00:20:36,444 ♪ That's the color ♪ 313 00:20:36,527 --> 00:20:37,945 ♪ Of my room ♪ 314 00:20:38,028 --> 00:20:39,363 ♪ Where I will live ♪ 315 00:20:41,824 --> 00:20:43,617 ♪ Blue, blue ♪ 316 00:20:46,954 --> 00:20:49,165 ♪ Pale blinds drawn all day ♪ 317 00:20:49,248 --> 00:20:51,876 ♪ Nothing to do, nothing to say. ♪ 318 00:20:57,965 --> 00:21:00,092 Thanks for bringing that, Karen. 319 00:21:05,931 --> 00:21:07,600 This is my home. 320 00:21:09,435 --> 00:21:11,520 A couple of weeks ago, you told me 321 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:15,065 that you had only done crystal meth once. 322 00:21:15,149 --> 00:21:18,027 And the story has to be bigger than that, right? 323 00:21:18,110 --> 00:21:20,237 - Mm-hmm. - There's more to it. 324 00:21:20,321 --> 00:21:21,530 Yeah? 325 00:21:21,614 --> 00:21:22,782 David. 326 00:21:22,865 --> 00:21:23,908 We need to know. 327 00:21:25,034 --> 00:21:26,869 We need to know. 328 00:21:30,456 --> 00:21:32,792 I think I always liked it. 329 00:21:32,875 --> 00:21:34,794 What? 330 00:21:36,378 --> 00:21:39,173 Anything. Pot, alcohol, 331 00:21:39,256 --> 00:21:42,343 Ecstasy, cocaine, LSD. 332 00:21:43,928 --> 00:21:46,222 And you've been doing all of that 333 00:21:46,305 --> 00:21:48,265 for what... years? 334 00:21:48,349 --> 00:21:50,267 A couple years, yeah. 335 00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,937 And crystal meth? 336 00:21:54,396 --> 00:21:56,357 Just a couple months. 337 00:21:57,817 --> 00:21:59,109 Wh-Why? 338 00:22:01,821 --> 00:22:02,780 I don't know. 339 00:22:02,863 --> 00:22:04,782 Um... 340 00:22:09,703 --> 00:22:12,456 When I tried it, I felt... 341 00:22:17,878 --> 00:22:21,298 I felt better than I ever had, so... 342 00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:23,717 I just kept on doing it. 343 00:22:23,801 --> 00:22:26,971 I was worried that you were smoking too much pot. 344 00:22:27,054 --> 00:22:31,517 Meanwhile, you're out doing every drug on the planet? 345 00:22:31,600 --> 00:22:36,814 And hiding it and lying? Why? 346 00:22:39,275 --> 00:22:40,234 - I don't know. Um... 347 00:22:40,317 --> 00:22:42,027 - Why Nic, tell me why? 348 00:22:42,111 --> 00:22:43,153 Ease up. 349 00:22:43,237 --> 00:22:44,947 - I don't know. - I thought we were close. 350 00:22:45,030 --> 00:22:46,991 I thought we were closer than most fathers and sons. 351 00:22:47,074 --> 00:22:49,451 Yeah, I feel like you're always disappointed in me. 352 00:22:49,535 --> 00:22:50,536 You're disappointed I didn't go to college. 353 00:22:50,619 --> 00:22:51,871 - Can you blame me?! 354 00:22:51,954 --> 00:22:53,539 Just, uh, not too long ago, 355 00:22:53,622 --> 00:22:55,207 you were reading and you were writing, and you were on 356 00:22:55,291 --> 00:22:57,459 the water polo team. 357 00:22:57,543 --> 00:22:58,919 And look at us now. 358 00:22:59,003 --> 00:23:00,004 - Dad... - Can you please stop? 359 00:23:00,087 --> 00:23:01,380 - This isn't us. This is not who we are. 360 00:23:01,463 --> 00:23:03,757 Just, please, both of you, stop. 361 00:23:03,841 --> 00:23:05,593 Dad, I'm really sorry about everything. 362 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:10,139 Dad, I'm so... 363 00:23:13,309 --> 00:23:14,768 I'm really sorry, Dad. 364 00:23:19,523 --> 00:23:20,774 - Nic, what you have... 365 00:23:22,776 --> 00:23:24,445 ...you're gonna find it again. 366 00:23:28,449 --> 00:23:29,909 - And you're gonna get it back. 367 00:23:30,701 --> 00:23:32,536 ♪ Long afloat on ♪ 368 00:23:32,620 --> 00:23:34,121 Ow, ow, ow. 369 00:23:34,204 --> 00:23:35,998 - Ow. There you go. - ♪ Shipless oceans ♪ 370 00:23:37,750 --> 00:23:41,295 ♪ I did all my best ♪ 371 00:23:41,378 --> 00:23:43,172 ♪ To smile ♪ 372 00:23:44,924 --> 00:23:47,718 ♪ Till your singing ♪ 373 00:23:47,801 --> 00:23:50,220 ♪ Eyes and fingers ♪ 374 00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:55,184 ♪ Drew me loving ♪ 375 00:23:55,267 --> 00:23:58,520 ♪ To your isle ♪ 376 00:23:58,604 --> 00:23:59,980 ♪ And you sang ♪ 377 00:24:01,982 --> 00:24:03,817 ♪ Sail to me ♪ 378 00:24:05,361 --> 00:24:06,862 ♪ Sail to me ♪ 379 00:24:06,946 --> 00:24:10,366 ♪ Let me enfold you. ♪ 380 00:24:11,575 --> 00:24:13,369 Nic! 381 00:24:23,295 --> 00:24:25,214 Nic! 382 00:24:26,590 --> 00:24:27,883 Nic! 383 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:31,387 Nic! 384 00:24:41,814 --> 00:24:43,774 Nic! 385 00:24:58,539 --> 00:24:59,915 Hey, Dad. 386 00:24:59,999 --> 00:25:01,667 Hey. 387 00:25:01,750 --> 00:25:03,210 How's New York? 388 00:25:03,293 --> 00:25:04,503 Fine. Good. 389 00:25:04,586 --> 00:25:05,879 Good interview today. 390 00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:07,297 - Nice. - How are you? 391 00:25:07,381 --> 00:25:09,925 Oh, I'm-I'm doing good. Yeah. 392 00:25:10,009 --> 00:25:11,552 Yeah? You sure? 393 00:25:11,635 --> 00:25:13,387 Yeah. I don't... well... 394 00:25:13,470 --> 00:25:15,180 What? 395 00:25:15,264 --> 00:25:16,765 It's, uh... 396 00:25:16,849 --> 00:25:18,267 What's going on? 397 00:25:18,350 --> 00:25:21,186 Uh, we had this great group session, 398 00:25:21,270 --> 00:25:23,814 and one of the guys here was saying he would do anything 399 00:25:23,897 --> 00:25:25,941 for a chance to go to college, but he can't. 400 00:25:26,025 --> 00:25:27,943 - Okay. - And when we were talking later, he said, 401 00:25:28,027 --> 00:25:30,195 "You could still go to college. Don't be an idiot. 402 00:25:30,279 --> 00:25:32,156 Go to college." 403 00:25:33,449 --> 00:25:34,992 I don't know, it's just crazy. 404 00:25:35,075 --> 00:25:38,037 I realized I don't think I should stay behind. 405 00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:39,246 I love writing. 406 00:25:39,329 --> 00:25:41,790 And I feel like I'm good at it, 407 00:25:41,874 --> 00:25:44,626 and I do it a lot, but... 408 00:25:44,710 --> 00:25:47,463 obviously, there's still a lot 409 00:25:47,546 --> 00:25:49,798 for-for me to learn and... 410 00:25:51,467 --> 00:25:53,677 Anyway, um... 411 00:25:53,761 --> 00:25:56,513 I'd love to give it a go, if... 412 00:25:56,597 --> 00:25:59,308 you know, if it's all right with you guys. 413 00:26:02,227 --> 00:26:05,689 Yeah. I'll talk to Karen and to your mom. 414 00:26:06,815 --> 00:26:08,567 Back here. 415 00:26:31,840 --> 00:26:33,383 Have you met your roommate yet? 416 00:26:33,467 --> 00:26:34,635 Yeah, he seems nice. 417 00:26:34,718 --> 00:26:36,678 He's just in the hall. 418 00:26:36,762 --> 00:26:37,971 I feel for you, though. 419 00:26:39,515 --> 00:26:40,766 Ouch. 420 00:26:40,849 --> 00:26:42,351 No worries. I'll educate him. 421 00:26:44,228 --> 00:26:46,355 Before you know it, he'll be listening to John Zorn. 422 00:26:46,438 --> 00:26:48,232 Ah. 423 00:26:56,782 --> 00:26:58,784 Well, I better get going. 424 00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:00,369 All right. 425 00:27:12,297 --> 00:27:16,093 - Everything. - Everything. 426 00:27:30,524 --> 00:27:33,235 So, this is a poem by Charles Bukowski. 427 00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:40,784 Uh, this man saved my life multiple times, so... 428 00:27:40,868 --> 00:27:43,495 I changed jobs and cities, 429 00:27:43,579 --> 00:27:45,330 I hated holidays, 430 00:27:45,414 --> 00:27:46,707 babies, history, 431 00:27:46,790 --> 00:27:51,670 newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 432 00:27:51,753 --> 00:27:54,882 marriage, movies, spiders... 433 00:27:54,965 --> 00:27:56,550 - I want to see it, I want to see it! Oh! 434 00:27:56,633 --> 00:27:57,551 -...garbage men, 435 00:27:57,634 --> 00:27:59,428 - English accents... - Nice. Go, go, go! 436 00:27:59,511 --> 00:28:01,889 ...Spain, France, 437 00:28:01,972 --> 00:28:06,685 Italy, walnuts and the color orange. 438 00:28:06,768 --> 00:28:11,231 Algebra angered me, opera sickened me, 439 00:28:11,315 --> 00:28:12,941 Charlie Chaplin was a fake 440 00:28:13,025 --> 00:28:15,110 and flowers were for pansies. 441 00:28:20,032 --> 00:28:21,950 Thanks. 442 00:28:37,716 --> 00:28:40,594 - Come here. 443 00:28:46,225 --> 00:28:48,268 Mm. 444 00:28:48,352 --> 00:28:50,896 Hi. 445 00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:14,336 Where's your bathroom? 446 00:29:14,419 --> 00:29:15,587 Hey, is there a bathroom I can use? 447 00:29:15,671 --> 00:29:16,922 Sure, honey. 448 00:29:17,005 --> 00:29:19,007 I'll show you where it is. Go right up, to the left. 449 00:30:31,621 --> 00:30:33,957 - Hey, Dad. - Hey, Nic. 450 00:30:34,041 --> 00:30:35,709 How you doing? What's going on? 451 00:30:35,792 --> 00:30:37,169 Oh, no, everything's going great here, yeah. 452 00:30:37,252 --> 00:30:38,587 Oh, hey, thanks for sending the money. 453 00:30:38,670 --> 00:30:39,755 I really appreciate that. 454 00:32:06,425 --> 00:32:08,969 Yeah, you always hog the fondue. 455 00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:11,471 Oh, uh, Patrick and Phil are going hiking tomorrow, 456 00:32:11,555 --> 00:32:14,558 so they'd like us to join them. 457 00:32:18,979 --> 00:32:21,523 Are Jasper and Daisy here, by any...? 458 00:32:21,606 --> 00:32:22,774 - They're not here. - No? 459 00:32:22,858 --> 00:32:24,276 - No. - Oh, they didn't want to see me? 460 00:32:24,359 --> 00:32:25,485 - No, they didn't want to see you. 461 00:32:25,569 --> 00:32:26,611 - Oh, that's tough to hear. 462 00:32:26,695 --> 00:32:30,157 Uh, well, I'm gonna just have a seat on this couch 463 00:32:30,240 --> 00:32:31,116 and think about that, huh? 464 00:32:31,199 --> 00:32:33,118 - Oh! - Whoa! Whoa! 465 00:32:33,201 --> 00:32:35,829 Oh, my God! Oh, my God, it's Daisy! 466 00:32:35,912 --> 00:32:37,622 Oh, Jasper! 467 00:32:37,706 --> 00:32:40,500 Oh, my God, you guys have gotten so much bigger! 468 00:32:40,584 --> 00:32:43,253 Oh! Oh, my God, you're so...! 469 00:32:45,088 --> 00:32:47,090 - Okay. - Denmark, 1632. 470 00:32:47,174 --> 00:32:48,884 - Oh, no. - We... 471 00:32:48,967 --> 00:32:52,804 Like to look back at the history of Hula-Hoops. 472 00:32:52,888 --> 00:32:55,640 So important to, uh, 473 00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:57,517 the culture of peace and wisdom. 474 00:32:57,601 --> 00:33:01,354 Um, a man named George... Hoopulu. 475 00:33:01,438 --> 00:33:04,441 - Was, uh... was, uh... 476 00:33:04,524 --> 00:33:06,151 And he thought... 477 00:33:06,234 --> 00:33:08,695 "Well, I'm going to 478 00:33:08,778 --> 00:33:10,280 develop something that I..." 479 00:33:16,119 --> 00:33:17,412 Hey. 480 00:33:17,496 --> 00:33:20,332 - Hey. Uh... 481 00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:23,877 Hey. Um... 482 00:33:23,960 --> 00:33:26,087 I was wondering, do you think I could use your car tonight? 483 00:33:26,171 --> 00:33:28,381 'Cause I just... I want to go to a meeting. 484 00:33:28,465 --> 00:33:30,300 - Oh. You got a meeting tonight? 485 00:33:30,383 --> 00:33:32,219 - Yeah, sure. 486 00:33:36,389 --> 00:33:37,641 Y-You good? 487 00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:40,060 Yeah. I just... 488 00:33:40,727 --> 00:33:41,603 - They're crazy. - Yeah. 489 00:33:41,686 --> 00:33:43,188 They're really excited you're home. 490 00:33:46,233 --> 00:33:47,776 - I mean, I'll see you in the morning, I guess. 491 00:33:47,859 --> 00:33:49,736 - Okay. 492 00:33:51,112 --> 00:33:53,114 All right. 493 00:34:15,136 --> 00:34:16,930 Yep! Mm! 494 00:34:39,619 --> 00:34:41,288 Where is it?! 495 00:34:41,371 --> 00:34:42,872 I don't have it! 496 00:34:42,956 --> 00:34:44,416 Where is it?! 497 00:34:44,499 --> 00:34:45,917 I don't have it! 498 00:34:46,001 --> 00:34:48,461 Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys. 499 00:34:48,545 --> 00:34:50,171 Where is it?! 500 00:34:50,255 --> 00:34:51,298 Guys, guys, stop it. 501 00:34:51,381 --> 00:34:52,507 I don't know! 502 00:34:52,591 --> 00:34:53,592 Stop. Calm down. What's going on in here? 503 00:34:53,675 --> 00:34:55,051 She took my money! 504 00:34:55,135 --> 00:34:56,261 I didn't. 505 00:34:56,344 --> 00:34:58,471 Okay, all right. Come on, go downstairs 506 00:34:58,555 --> 00:35:00,181 - and see Mommy, all right? - You took them! 507 00:35:00,265 --> 00:35:02,183 Don't, don't, don't. Stop, stop. 508 00:35:02,267 --> 00:35:05,228 - I didn't take it, Daddy. - I know you didn't. All right. 509 00:35:05,312 --> 00:35:07,939 Just go downstairs and have some breakfast. 510 00:35:08,023 --> 00:35:09,107 Hey, what happened? 511 00:35:10,859 --> 00:35:12,152 They're gone. 512 00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:14,696 Okay. Are you sure you had it in there? 513 00:35:14,779 --> 00:35:17,449 - Yeah. I had them yesterday. - Okay. 514 00:35:25,248 --> 00:35:27,250 Jasper's savings disappeared. 515 00:35:29,377 --> 00:35:30,837 Yeah? That's weird. 516 00:35:36,926 --> 00:35:38,637 Did you take his eight dollars? 517 00:35:41,348 --> 00:35:42,724 What? 518 00:35:42,807 --> 00:35:43,850 You heard me. 519 00:35:44,434 --> 00:35:46,686 Why would I? 520 00:35:46,770 --> 00:35:48,855 It disappeared, and somebody has to have done it. 521 00:35:48,938 --> 00:35:51,066 Right, so it's me. 522 00:35:51,149 --> 00:35:53,735 This is fucking ridiculous. 523 00:35:53,818 --> 00:35:56,696 Are you using again? 524 00:35:56,780 --> 00:35:59,824 Am I using again? No. 525 00:36:01,409 --> 00:36:04,120 Are you high right now? 526 00:36:04,204 --> 00:36:05,789 What the f...? No. 527 00:36:05,872 --> 00:36:07,874 - Fuck you. - "Fuck you"? 528 00:36:07,957 --> 00:36:09,376 Don't talk to me that way. 529 00:36:09,459 --> 00:36:11,002 Are you high right now? 530 00:36:11,086 --> 00:36:12,379 No. 531 00:36:12,462 --> 00:36:14,005 You're not using right now? 532 00:36:14,089 --> 00:36:15,382 Are you using? 533 00:36:15,465 --> 00:36:19,135 No, Dad, I'm not fucking high right now! 534 00:36:19,219 --> 00:36:21,096 Okay. 535 00:36:24,474 --> 00:36:27,769 Listen, it was a gamble to send you to college. 536 00:36:27,852 --> 00:36:30,563 Everybody supported it. 537 00:36:30,647 --> 00:36:32,524 I'm glad that you went. 538 00:36:33,775 --> 00:36:36,236 Relapse is a part of rec... 539 00:36:36,319 --> 00:36:38,196 Relapse is part of recovery. 540 00:36:38,279 --> 00:36:42,117 - So we're gonna get... - I better leave. 541 00:36:50,625 --> 00:36:53,086 - David? - Hey. 542 00:36:53,169 --> 00:36:55,964 Just... where-where are you gonna go? 543 00:36:56,047 --> 00:36:58,383 You can't just leave. This is ridiculous. 544 00:36:58,466 --> 00:36:59,801 - Come on. - Will you talk to us? 545 00:36:59,884 --> 00:37:01,428 I mean, really... we just want to talk to you. 546 00:37:01,511 --> 00:37:04,055 Why don't... Try to help us understand. 547 00:37:04,139 --> 00:37:05,515 - Or just let us help you. - All right? 548 00:37:05,598 --> 00:37:07,016 I don't want your fucking help. Don't you understand that? 549 00:37:07,100 --> 00:37:08,601 - No. - No, you don't. Jesus Christ, 550 00:37:08,685 --> 00:37:10,270 then what the fuck is wrong with you, then, huh? 551 00:37:10,353 --> 00:37:11,604 - What the hell is wrong with you people? 552 00:37:11,688 --> 00:37:12,731 - Nic. 553 00:37:12,814 --> 00:37:13,857 - No! You fucking suffocate me. - Hey. 554 00:37:13,940 --> 00:37:14,733 - Oh... - You fucking suffocate me! 555 00:37:14,816 --> 00:37:17,235 Whoa, it's us? We're the problem? 556 00:37:17,318 --> 00:37:18,945 No. You know what, you're the one who's doing it! 557 00:37:19,028 --> 00:37:21,156 You're the one who's causing it! 558 00:37:21,239 --> 00:37:23,867 And you're the only one who can stop it! 559 00:37:23,950 --> 00:37:25,034 Fucking solve it! 560 00:37:53,730 --> 00:37:54,689 Fuck! 561 00:37:55,815 --> 00:37:57,233 Fuck! 562 00:39:50,305 --> 00:39:52,724 So, this is for the, uh, 563 00:39:52,807 --> 00:39:54,392 "New York Times Magazine"? 564 00:39:54,475 --> 00:39:56,185 Oh, no. 565 00:39:56,269 --> 00:39:57,562 I'm a... I-I write. 566 00:39:57,645 --> 00:39:59,105 I freelance for different magazines, 567 00:39:59,188 --> 00:40:02,191 but this is... this is a personal matter. 568 00:40:02,275 --> 00:40:04,402 - A personal matter? - Yes. I'm sorry. 569 00:40:04,485 --> 00:40:06,738 - Is that okay? - Uh, no, it's absolutely okay. 570 00:40:06,821 --> 00:40:08,615 May I ask what-what this is regarding? 571 00:40:08,698 --> 00:40:11,117 Uh, it's about my son. 572 00:40:11,200 --> 00:40:13,119 Okay. 573 00:40:16,205 --> 00:40:19,334 He's been doing all sorts of drugs, 574 00:40:19,417 --> 00:40:21,252 but he's addicted to crystal meth, 575 00:40:21,336 --> 00:40:25,089 which seems, uh, to be the worst of all of them. 576 00:40:25,173 --> 00:40:27,383 And I guess I'm here 577 00:40:27,467 --> 00:40:31,137 because I just want to know all that I can 578 00:40:31,220 --> 00:40:34,140 about all of it. 579 00:40:34,223 --> 00:40:36,726 So, uh, crystal meth, uh, 580 00:40:36,809 --> 00:40:38,645 gives the user a feeling of instant euphoria-- 581 00:40:38,728 --> 00:40:41,230 at least, when he takes it. 582 00:40:41,314 --> 00:40:42,440 You know, but when it wears off, 583 00:40:42,523 --> 00:40:44,275 with a depletion of as much as 60% 584 00:40:44,359 --> 00:40:47,236 of the dopamine, the user has to up the doses. 585 00:40:47,320 --> 00:40:51,282 He has to double it, triple it just to feel something, 586 00:40:51,366 --> 00:40:53,493 causing even more nerve damage, 587 00:40:53,576 --> 00:40:57,372 which, uh, increases the compulsion to use. 588 00:40:57,455 --> 00:40:58,957 Horrible cycle. 589 00:41:01,042 --> 00:41:03,169 - What's up? - Hey. 590 00:41:03,252 --> 00:41:05,880 Just doing some research. 591 00:41:33,157 --> 00:41:35,076 Hi. 592 00:41:41,207 --> 00:41:43,251 Are you hungry? 593 00:41:43,334 --> 00:41:46,421 You want to get something? 594 00:41:46,504 --> 00:41:49,090 Most guys just ask me for a blow job. 595 00:41:49,173 --> 00:41:52,677 Oh, no. No, I'm just offering something to eat. 596 00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:55,096 Maybe talk a little, if you're up to it. 597 00:41:55,179 --> 00:41:58,516 Meth changes the brain physically. 598 00:41:58,599 --> 00:42:00,935 Here we see the loss of dopamine receptors 599 00:42:01,019 --> 00:42:02,979 in a meth user's brain. 600 00:42:03,062 --> 00:42:05,523 Now, I'm gonna show you something else here. 601 00:42:05,606 --> 00:42:09,318 Do you see, uh, right here there are these two red, uh... 602 00:42:09,402 --> 00:42:10,945 - large, red spots right here? - Yeah. 603 00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:13,740 Okay, what that shows is hyperactivity in the amygdala. 604 00:42:13,823 --> 00:42:15,700 And the amygdala is a region of the brain 605 00:42:15,783 --> 00:42:18,202 that is linked with anxiety and fear. 606 00:42:18,286 --> 00:42:20,329 Here the amygdala is screaming. 607 00:42:24,167 --> 00:42:26,169 What this shows us 608 00:42:26,252 --> 00:42:28,546 is that there is a biological basis, 609 00:42:28,629 --> 00:42:32,341 uh, that meth users may be unable-- 610 00:42:32,425 --> 00:42:34,469 Not unwilling, but unable-- 611 00:42:34,552 --> 00:42:37,764 To participate in normal treatment programs. 612 00:42:37,847 --> 00:42:39,265 I was in rehab, too. 613 00:42:40,475 --> 00:42:41,934 Three times. 614 00:42:42,018 --> 00:42:44,437 Ran away every time. 615 00:42:44,520 --> 00:42:46,939 Why? 616 00:42:47,023 --> 00:42:49,150 It was hell. 617 00:42:49,233 --> 00:42:51,569 Wanted to die. 618 00:42:51,652 --> 00:42:53,571 Why was it hell? 619 00:42:53,654 --> 00:42:56,449 All that God shit. 620 00:42:56,532 --> 00:42:58,451 Also, you just don't know how good it gets 621 00:42:58,534 --> 00:43:00,453 when it gets good. 622 00:43:00,536 --> 00:43:02,580 It's hard to explain. 623 00:43:02,663 --> 00:43:04,499 Feels like cocaine 624 00:43:04,582 --> 00:43:06,084 but multiplied by, like, a thousand. 625 00:43:06,167 --> 00:43:07,835 Or, like, a million. 626 00:43:07,919 --> 00:43:10,463 What does this mean for Nic? 627 00:43:10,546 --> 00:43:12,465 Look, Mr. Sheff, I... 628 00:43:12,548 --> 00:43:15,426 I don't know who promised you what, 629 00:43:15,510 --> 00:43:19,430 but the success percentage is in the single digits. 630 00:43:21,432 --> 00:43:22,725 Okay. 631 00:43:24,852 --> 00:43:27,605 What about your parents? 632 00:43:27,688 --> 00:43:29,816 - What about them? 633 00:43:29,899 --> 00:43:32,652 - Don't you think they're worried about you? 634 00:43:32,735 --> 00:43:35,154 Shouldn't you... 635 00:43:35,238 --> 00:43:37,490 let them know that... 636 00:43:37,573 --> 00:43:39,826 - They don't care. 637 00:43:39,909 --> 00:43:43,162 - Well, I think they do. 638 00:43:44,288 --> 00:43:47,208 What the fuck do you know? 639 00:43:54,090 --> 00:43:56,008 I gotta go. 640 00:43:56,092 --> 00:43:59,178 Oh. Okay. 641 00:44:02,557 --> 00:44:05,059 Thanks. 642 00:44:22,743 --> 00:44:25,496 - Hey! - Hey! Hey, now! 643 00:45:22,595 --> 00:45:24,013 God. 644 00:46:52,852 --> 00:46:54,729 I'm gonna try some Klingon on you. 645 00:46:54,812 --> 00:46:55,855 Ready? 646 00:47:04,530 --> 00:47:06,657 - You know what I said? - May I have a Coca-Cola? 647 00:47:06,741 --> 00:47:08,326 Exactly. 648 00:47:08,409 --> 00:47:10,202 That's it. 649 00:47:10,286 --> 00:47:12,204 That's exactly what I asked. 650 00:47:12,288 --> 00:47:13,664 Can I have a Coca-Cola? 651 00:47:13,748 --> 00:47:15,583 All right. If you ask me in Klingon, 652 00:47:15,666 --> 00:47:17,585 maybe I'll get you a Coke. 653 00:47:35,227 --> 00:47:37,271 Hey. 654 00:47:49,867 --> 00:47:51,744 Oh, wow. 655 00:47:53,287 --> 00:47:55,456 This hasn't changed at all. 656 00:47:55,539 --> 00:47:58,542 This place. 657 00:47:59,919 --> 00:48:01,587 - Hey. - So, how you doing? 658 00:48:01,670 --> 00:48:03,005 I'm doing great. 659 00:48:03,089 --> 00:48:05,216 You know, just, um... 660 00:48:05,299 --> 00:48:07,051 Um... 661 00:48:07,134 --> 00:48:09,011 just doing what needs to be done. 662 00:48:10,096 --> 00:48:11,889 What does that mean? 663 00:48:11,972 --> 00:48:15,684 Just being responsible for myself and... 664 00:48:15,768 --> 00:48:17,895 I've quit on my own, you know, so... 665 00:48:17,978 --> 00:48:20,064 I got five days now. 666 00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:23,943 I feel like I'm doing well, but I just need, um... 667 00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:27,154 I just need a few hundred bucks, though. 668 00:48:27,238 --> 00:48:28,864 Nic, I can't give you any money. 669 00:48:30,950 --> 00:48:32,868 Yeah. 670 00:48:32,952 --> 00:48:35,121 Okay. 671 00:48:35,204 --> 00:48:36,872 It's just 200 bucks. I just need, um... 672 00:48:36,956 --> 00:48:38,457 I just need to get some shit together. 673 00:48:38,541 --> 00:48:39,750 I want to go to New York. 674 00:48:39,834 --> 00:48:42,044 - New York? - Yeah. 675 00:48:42,128 --> 00:48:43,921 I need to get out of San Francisco. 676 00:48:44,004 --> 00:48:45,631 There's too many... 677 00:48:45,714 --> 00:48:47,508 All these fucking bad vibes here 678 00:48:47,591 --> 00:48:50,469 all the time. 679 00:48:50,553 --> 00:48:52,388 Yeah, I just need a few hundred bucks. 680 00:48:52,471 --> 00:48:54,765 Why don't we just have lunch and talk? 681 00:48:54,849 --> 00:48:57,351 - We can do that, right? - Mm. Hmm. 682 00:49:03,399 --> 00:49:06,026 How... how's Karen and, uh... and the kids? 683 00:49:06,110 --> 00:49:09,488 Okay. They ask about you. 684 00:49:09,572 --> 00:49:12,408 It's their step-up next week, and I know they'd love you... 685 00:49:12,491 --> 00:49:14,326 Dad, you're, uh... you're guilt-tripping me, all right? 686 00:49:14,410 --> 00:49:15,786 No, I'm just saying... 687 00:49:15,870 --> 00:49:18,080 I should feel horrible about myself. 688 00:49:19,540 --> 00:49:24,128 I know they wanted you to be there, that's all. 689 00:49:24,211 --> 00:49:25,796 I'm sorry, Dad. 690 00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:29,341 Um... I just need some fucking money, all right? 691 00:49:29,425 --> 00:49:30,759 So please just give me some fucking money. 692 00:49:30,843 --> 00:49:32,136 And then what? Where does this end? 693 00:49:32,219 --> 00:49:33,637 This is... I got to see this one through. 694 00:49:33,721 --> 00:49:35,347 This is kind of working out for me right now. 695 00:49:35,431 --> 00:49:36,557 - I got five days sober. - It doesn't look 696 00:49:36,640 --> 00:49:37,683 like it's working out, Nic. 697 00:49:37,766 --> 00:49:38,893 Oh, it doesn't look like it's working out? 698 00:49:38,976 --> 00:49:39,894 - So what, then, therapy? Huh? - No. 699 00:49:39,977 --> 00:49:41,312 - You can come home. - No. 700 00:49:41,395 --> 00:49:43,022 - That wouldn't... - We'll make it work. Please. 701 00:49:43,105 --> 00:49:44,231 Nic. 702 00:49:46,108 --> 00:49:47,193 Please. 703 00:49:54,533 --> 00:49:56,702 - I've been doing some research. - Been doing fucking research? 704 00:49:56,785 --> 00:49:59,246 - You got to be kidding me, Dad. - No... 705 00:49:59,330 --> 00:50:01,332 You think that you have this under control. 706 00:50:01,415 --> 00:50:04,084 - Mm-hmm. - And I understand how scared you are. 707 00:50:04,168 --> 00:50:06,086 I understand why I do things-- it doesn't make me 708 00:50:06,170 --> 00:50:08,255 any different, all right? I'm attracted to craziness. 709 00:50:08,339 --> 00:50:11,091 And you're just embarrassed, 'cause I was, like, you know... 710 00:50:11,175 --> 00:50:12,343 I was, like, this amazing thing, 711 00:50:12,426 --> 00:50:13,761 like, your special creation or something, 712 00:50:13,844 --> 00:50:16,055 - and you don't like who I am now. - Yeah? 713 00:50:16,138 --> 00:50:17,264 - Who are you, Nic? - This is me, Dad. 714 00:50:17,348 --> 00:50:19,767 Here. This is who I am. 715 00:50:27,107 --> 00:50:29,151 You don't like what you see? 716 00:50:35,658 --> 00:50:39,870 You know, the more I think about it... 717 00:50:39,954 --> 00:50:42,164 Mom should've gotten custody. 718 00:50:42,248 --> 00:50:44,708 Because you always gotta be fucking 719 00:50:44,792 --> 00:50:46,585 controlling everything all the time. 720 00:50:46,669 --> 00:50:49,171 You're allowed to be mad at me, Nic. I made mistakes. 721 00:50:49,255 --> 00:50:52,049 I understand that. I wish that I hadn't, but I did. 722 00:50:52,132 --> 00:50:54,843 But, God, what you're saying right now 723 00:50:54,927 --> 00:50:57,888 - doesn't make any sense. - You're doing this right now! 724 00:50:57,972 --> 00:50:59,306 - You're fucking controlling me right now! 725 00:50:59,390 --> 00:51:02,268 - It's not you. It is not you, Nic. It is the drugs talking. 726 00:51:02,351 --> 00:51:03,561 What does that even fucking mean, huh? 727 00:51:03,644 --> 00:51:04,603 Psychological terror. 728 00:51:04,687 --> 00:51:05,813 It's what addicts do. 729 00:51:05,896 --> 00:51:07,273 What the fuck are you doing right now, huh? 730 00:51:07,356 --> 00:51:09,858 What is this? What are you doing, huh? 731 00:51:17,992 --> 00:51:19,910 Oh, man 732 00:51:23,080 --> 00:51:26,000 I didn't want it to go like this. 733 00:51:29,795 --> 00:51:31,338 All right. 734 00:51:31,422 --> 00:51:33,007 I should go, Dad. 735 00:51:37,803 --> 00:51:39,888 - Let me... let me book you a room. 736 00:51:39,972 --> 00:51:40,806 - No, Dad. 737 00:51:40,889 --> 00:51:42,057 - At a hotel for a couple of nights. 738 00:51:42,141 --> 00:51:43,642 - No. Dad... 739 00:51:43,726 --> 00:51:45,060 - Why don't we just go get some food? 740 00:51:45,144 --> 00:51:47,271 - Dad, I should go. 741 00:51:48,647 --> 00:51:49,857 Can you say good-bye, at least? 742 00:51:49,940 --> 00:51:50,733 Bye, Dad. 743 00:52:02,536 --> 00:52:04,496 Where does he sleep? 744 00:52:04,580 --> 00:52:07,082 Um, don't worry about that, sweetie. 745 00:52:07,166 --> 00:52:08,208 He's fine. 746 00:52:13,339 --> 00:52:15,674 Um... 747 00:52:15,758 --> 00:52:18,469 maybe he has a friend and he sleeps there. 748 00:52:18,552 --> 00:52:22,222 Mm-hmm. Yeah. Maybe. Dolphin. 749 00:52:22,306 --> 00:52:23,974 Hope so. Need "E." 750 00:52:24,058 --> 00:52:25,434 Elephant. 751 00:52:25,517 --> 00:52:27,561 - Can I call him? - Hmm. 752 00:52:27,645 --> 00:52:29,355 - No. I tried. 753 00:52:29,438 --> 00:52:32,399 - His phone's disconnected. - Can I send him a message? 754 00:52:32,483 --> 00:52:36,779 Maybe he'll get lonely and turn his phone back on? 755 00:52:36,862 --> 00:52:39,198 That's a good idea. 756 00:52:39,281 --> 00:52:41,241 Yeah. Let's try that. 757 00:53:35,379 --> 00:53:37,005 Dave. 758 00:53:37,089 --> 00:53:39,341 - Yeah? - Okay. Let's go. 759 00:53:43,345 --> 00:53:45,264 Hey, Dave, close your eyes. 760 00:53:45,347 --> 00:53:46,807 Okay. 761 00:53:50,352 --> 00:53:52,271 And... open 'em! 762 00:53:53,647 --> 00:53:55,315 Oh. Wow. 763 00:53:55,399 --> 00:53:56,775 Wow! 764 00:54:55,250 --> 00:54:56,919 Hello? 765 00:54:57,002 --> 00:54:59,755 This is Julie Ford at the Bellevue Hospital in New York. 766 00:54:59,838 --> 00:55:01,590 Is Nic Sheff your son? 767 00:55:05,219 --> 00:55:06,720 Uh, Mr. Sheff, 768 00:55:06,804 --> 00:55:09,181 I'm sorry we missed each other earlier. 769 00:55:09,264 --> 00:55:12,351 So, Nic is still experiencing some respiratory depression, 770 00:55:12,434 --> 00:55:14,269 but his vital signs are returning. 771 00:55:14,353 --> 00:55:16,688 Sir, we're ready for departure. 772 00:55:16,772 --> 00:55:18,190 Okay, okay. 773 00:55:18,273 --> 00:55:20,776 Um... may I talk to him? 774 00:55:20,859 --> 00:55:22,569 - No, that won't be possible. 775 00:55:22,653 --> 00:55:23,987 - Sir, I need you to turn off the phone. 776 00:55:24,071 --> 00:55:25,072 - Believe me, we shouldn't wake him up. 777 00:55:25,155 --> 00:55:26,156 - Mm-hmm. 778 00:55:26,240 --> 00:55:27,157 - Try again in a few hours, though, okay? 779 00:55:27,241 --> 00:55:29,451 - Okay. Uh, would you let him know that... 780 00:55:29,535 --> 00:55:31,245 - Sir. Sir. Please. 781 00:55:31,328 --> 00:55:33,205 - Would you please let him know that I'm on my way? 782 00:55:41,672 --> 00:55:42,840 He checked out. 783 00:55:42,923 --> 00:55:44,049 What? 784 00:55:44,132 --> 00:55:45,551 Against doctor's orders. 785 00:55:45,634 --> 00:55:47,678 - No, no, he O.D.'d. - I'm sorry, sir. 786 00:55:47,761 --> 00:55:50,013 He pulled out the I.V. and catheter, and left. 787 00:55:50,097 --> 00:55:51,431 How long ago? 788 00:55:51,515 --> 00:55:53,934 Ten to 15 minutes. 789 00:55:54,017 --> 00:55:56,353 I'm sorry, sir. 790 00:56:07,614 --> 00:56:10,200 ♪ Darling, I need your love... ♪ 791 00:56:20,043 --> 00:56:21,920 Yes. 792 00:56:24,256 --> 00:56:26,383 ♪ Your love ♪ 793 00:56:26,466 --> 00:56:29,636 ♪ Darling, I need your love ♪ 794 00:56:29,720 --> 00:56:31,847 ♪ Darling ♪ 795 00:56:31,930 --> 00:56:35,851 ♪ I love you so ♪ 796 00:56:35,934 --> 00:56:39,855 ♪ And I want the whole world to know ♪ 797 00:56:39,938 --> 00:56:42,858 ♪ I'll never let you go... ♪ 798 00:56:42,941 --> 00:56:44,943 Look, I've thought about it, 799 00:56:45,027 --> 00:56:46,862 and I'm done with drugs. 800 00:56:46,945 --> 00:56:48,947 This is it. 801 00:56:51,366 --> 00:56:53,744 I'm telling you, Dad. 802 00:56:53,827 --> 00:56:55,746 I'm done. 803 00:56:55,829 --> 00:56:59,750 ♪ You're all I ever dream of ♪ 804 00:57:01,376 --> 00:57:04,713 ♪ Never leave me... ♪ 805 00:57:05,964 --> 00:57:08,300 And how would that work? 806 00:57:08,383 --> 00:57:11,845 I mean, after what just happened. 807 00:57:11,929 --> 00:57:15,682 ♪ Oh... Stay with me ♪ 808 00:57:15,766 --> 00:57:19,686 ♪ Oh, stay with me, Oh, darling ♪ 809 00:57:19,770 --> 00:57:23,106 - ♪ Darling, I need your kiss ♪ 810 00:57:23,190 --> 00:57:25,567 ♪ Your love I can't resist... ♪ 811 00:57:27,069 --> 00:57:29,196 Now, if you're in the area, 812 00:57:29,279 --> 00:57:30,781 evacuation orders and details, 813 00:57:30,864 --> 00:57:33,116 including relocation centers, can be found on... 814 00:57:33,200 --> 00:57:35,494 So, at 3:00, we have a conference call 815 00:57:35,577 --> 00:57:37,120 with the intake people in Mississippi. 816 00:57:37,204 --> 00:57:38,455 That's all for now. 817 00:57:38,538 --> 00:57:40,123 3:30, the one in New Mexico. 818 00:57:40,207 --> 00:57:42,084 And 4:00, the one in Oregon. 819 00:57:42,167 --> 00:57:44,795 I did some research on the one in New Mexico. 820 00:57:44,878 --> 00:57:48,173 Mm-hmm. - They charge $40,000 a month. 821 00:57:48,256 --> 00:57:49,716 You know, it's not even that well rated. 822 00:57:49,800 --> 00:57:51,885 We'll just skip that one. 823 00:57:51,969 --> 00:57:54,638 Listen, if a spot opens up here in Los Angeles, 824 00:57:54,721 --> 00:57:56,890 Maybe that's the best solution for now. 825 00:57:56,974 --> 00:57:59,851 I'll hear back from them in an hour. 826 00:57:59,935 --> 00:58:01,103 - Mm. 827 00:58:01,186 --> 00:58:03,105 Give it a rest, David. 828 00:58:03,188 --> 00:58:05,232 Why don't you let me take over for now? 829 00:58:10,654 --> 00:58:12,155 Mm. 830 00:58:12,239 --> 00:58:13,991 Dad? 831 00:58:14,074 --> 00:58:15,575 Yeah. 832 00:58:15,659 --> 00:58:19,705 Will you check on me every 15 minutes? 833 00:58:19,788 --> 00:58:22,082 Yes. 834 00:58:28,130 --> 00:58:31,383 ♪ Close your eyes ♪ 835 00:58:31,466 --> 00:58:34,845 ♪ Have no fear ♪ 836 00:58:34,928 --> 00:58:37,014 ♪ The monster's gone ♪ 837 00:58:37,097 --> 00:58:38,974 ♪ He's on the run ♪ 838 00:58:39,057 --> 00:58:42,561 ♪ And your daddy's here ♪ 839 00:58:43,854 --> 00:58:45,981 ♪ Beautiful, beautiful ♪ 840 00:58:46,064 --> 00:58:47,357 ♪ Beautiful ♪ 841 00:58:47,441 --> 00:58:50,360 ♪ Beautiful boy ♪ 842 00:58:53,530 --> 00:58:55,574 ♪ Beautiful, beautiful ♪ 843 00:58:55,657 --> 00:58:57,117 ♪ Beautiful ♪ 844 00:58:57,200 --> 00:58:59,619 ♪ Beautiful boy ♪ 845 00:58:59,703 --> 00:59:01,955 Do you want to bring one of your dinosaurs, too? 846 00:59:02,039 --> 00:59:05,000 ♪ Before you cross the street ♪ 847 00:59:05,083 --> 00:59:06,835 How about a book? 848 00:59:06,918 --> 00:59:08,462 ♪ Take my hand ♪ 849 00:59:08,545 --> 00:59:11,048 No? Okay. 850 00:59:11,131 --> 00:59:13,383 ♪ Life is what happens to you ♪ 851 00:59:13,467 --> 00:59:15,260 ♪ While you're busy ♪ 852 00:59:15,343 --> 00:59:18,513 - ♪ Making other plans ♪ - You ready? 853 00:59:18,597 --> 00:59:20,265 Hey. Hey. 854 00:59:20,348 --> 00:59:22,517 ♪ Darling, darling... ♪ 855 00:59:22,601 --> 00:59:24,644 Can I have a hug? 856 00:59:24,728 --> 00:59:25,729 No? 857 00:59:25,812 --> 00:59:27,314 Why not? 858 00:59:27,397 --> 00:59:29,775 Are you mad at me? 859 00:59:29,858 --> 00:59:31,985 'Cause you have to go? 860 00:59:33,070 --> 00:59:34,654 Okay. 861 00:59:34,738 --> 00:59:38,492 Well... you'll be happy to see Mommy, though, right? 862 00:59:40,619 --> 00:59:42,496 I want you to know something. 863 00:59:42,579 --> 00:59:44,956 When you come back, I'm gonna be here... 864 00:59:45,040 --> 00:59:48,085 right... I'm gonna be right here for you. 865 00:59:48,168 --> 00:59:49,878 Okay? 866 00:59:49,961 --> 00:59:53,048 And call me when you miss me, and I'll call you. 867 00:59:54,382 --> 00:59:56,718 Do you know how much I love you? 868 01:00:03,767 --> 01:00:07,896 If you could take all the words in the language, 869 01:00:07,979 --> 01:00:11,066 it still wouldn't describe how much I love you. 870 01:00:11,149 --> 01:00:14,277 And if you could gather all those words together, 871 01:00:14,361 --> 01:00:17,114 it still wouldn't describe what I feel for you. 872 01:00:17,197 --> 01:00:20,075 What I feel for you is everything. 873 01:00:21,952 --> 01:00:23,954 I love you more than everything. 874 01:00:26,498 --> 01:00:28,834 Everything? 875 01:00:28,917 --> 01:00:30,460 Yeah, everything. 876 01:01:02,659 --> 01:01:04,661 Hey. 877 01:01:04,744 --> 01:01:06,913 That's my mom. 878 01:01:06,997 --> 01:01:10,041 I'm really glad you came to L.A. 879 01:01:10,125 --> 01:01:11,751 You know that, right? 880 01:01:18,925 --> 01:01:20,552 You just don't know what it is to be... 881 01:01:20,635 --> 01:01:23,513 - Please don't do this, Mom. - Okay. 882 01:01:23,597 --> 01:01:25,432 I'm sorry. Okay. 883 01:01:30,687 --> 01:01:33,273 All I could think about was you. 884 01:01:38,361 --> 01:01:41,615 I know this must sound meaningless, but I'm sorry. 885 01:01:45,202 --> 01:01:47,370 I'm-I'm sorry. 886 01:01:48,914 --> 01:01:50,457 Oh, Nicky. 887 01:01:56,296 --> 01:01:58,757 You are such a darling. 888 01:01:58,840 --> 01:02:00,717 You know that, right? 889 01:02:05,180 --> 01:02:07,224 Whew. 890 01:02:21,404 --> 01:02:23,281 Hey, come on, old man! 891 01:02:23,365 --> 01:02:25,533 - You're being so disrespectful. - I'm not being disrespectful. 892 01:02:25,617 --> 01:02:27,827 You're being so disrespectful. 893 01:02:29,955 --> 01:02:31,456 - I'm coming for you! - Oh, motherfucker! 894 01:02:31,539 --> 01:02:34,417 Uh-huh. You about to look at my ass, baby! 895 01:02:34,501 --> 01:02:36,711 - You about to look at my ass! 896 01:02:45,512 --> 01:02:47,097 Fuck. 897 01:03:10,287 --> 01:03:11,621 That's what I get for helping. 898 01:03:11,705 --> 01:03:13,498 - Why'd you pull that hard? 899 01:03:13,581 --> 01:03:15,875 - I'm sorry. - Why do you hate me? 900 01:03:31,641 --> 01:03:33,560 How does this feel? 901 01:03:37,939 --> 01:03:41,109 Like I'm a real human being. 902 01:03:49,159 --> 01:03:52,662 One day, I tried methamphetamine... 903 01:03:52,746 --> 01:03:55,123 Yeah. That felt good. 904 01:03:55,206 --> 01:03:57,625 ...and I thought, 905 01:03:57,709 --> 01:04:00,086 "This is what's been missing." 906 01:04:00,170 --> 01:04:02,714 I felt complete. 907 01:04:02,797 --> 01:04:04,799 Today's a good day. 908 01:04:04,883 --> 01:04:07,677 Yeah, I've been chasing that high 909 01:04:07,761 --> 01:04:09,679 ever since. 910 01:04:09,763 --> 01:04:11,681 No matter... 911 01:04:11,765 --> 01:04:13,683 how much meth-- 912 01:04:13,767 --> 01:04:17,645 or whatever else I can find to shoot up into my body-- 913 01:04:17,729 --> 01:04:20,148 I do, it's never enough. 914 01:04:23,735 --> 01:04:27,113 And I went to a couple of rehabs, 915 01:04:27,197 --> 01:04:28,698 I detoxed, 916 01:04:28,782 --> 01:04:31,493 they would talk about disease, sure, 917 01:04:31,576 --> 01:04:33,119 but... 918 01:04:33,203 --> 01:04:34,788 it never clicked. 919 01:04:37,749 --> 01:04:41,878 Until one day I woke up in a hospital 920 01:04:41,961 --> 01:04:45,215 and someone asked me, 921 01:04:45,298 --> 01:04:47,634 "What's your problem?" 922 01:04:50,553 --> 01:04:53,723 And I said, "I'm an alcoholic and an addict." 923 01:04:53,807 --> 01:04:55,558 And he said... 924 01:04:55,642 --> 01:04:58,770 "No, that's how you've been treating your problem." 925 01:04:58,853 --> 01:05:00,772 Mm-hmm. - That's right. 926 01:05:00,855 --> 01:05:04,234 I know now I need to find a way 927 01:05:04,317 --> 01:05:07,529 to fill this... 928 01:05:07,612 --> 01:05:09,656 big... 929 01:05:09,739 --> 01:05:11,908 black hole in me. 930 01:05:16,287 --> 01:05:17,956 Anyway, so... 931 01:05:18,039 --> 01:05:21,126 - I'm 14 months clean. 932 01:05:21,209 --> 01:05:23,336 I have a job at a rehab. 933 01:05:24,879 --> 01:05:27,173 It's fulfilling to help other people get sober. 934 01:05:29,717 --> 01:05:32,846 I have a sponsor, Spencer. 935 01:05:32,929 --> 01:05:35,682 Shows me how great my life can be sober. 936 01:05:37,183 --> 01:05:39,519 And, um, I still have family. 937 01:05:41,563 --> 01:05:44,357 My mom's been amazing. 938 01:05:44,441 --> 01:05:47,193 My dad's been amazing, too. 939 01:05:53,116 --> 01:05:55,368 I want them to be proud of me. 940 01:06:16,389 --> 01:06:18,975 ♪ I want to live ♪ 941 01:06:20,101 --> 01:06:22,645 ♪ I want to give ♪ 942 01:06:22,729 --> 01:06:24,772 ♪ I've been a miner ♪ 943 01:06:24,856 --> 01:06:28,401 ♪ For a heart of gold ♪ 944 01:06:28,485 --> 01:06:31,529 ♪ It's these expressions ♪ 945 01:06:31,613 --> 01:06:34,616 ♪ I never give that keep me searching... ♪ 946 01:06:34,699 --> 01:06:37,327 You all right? 947 01:06:37,410 --> 01:06:39,496 What's wrong? You nervous? 948 01:06:39,579 --> 01:06:40,788 Yeah. 949 01:06:40,872 --> 01:06:42,582 ♪ And I'm getting old ♪ 950 01:06:45,418 --> 01:06:47,378 ♪ Keep me searching for a... ♪ 951 01:06:47,462 --> 01:06:49,631 Thank you for marrying me. 952 01:06:51,090 --> 01:06:53,051 Thank you for being a perfect partner 953 01:06:53,134 --> 01:06:55,094 in an imperfect world. 954 01:06:56,888 --> 01:06:59,599 Thank you for introducing me to your amazing son. 955 01:07:01,768 --> 01:07:03,686 Uh, I'm here for you, 956 01:07:03,770 --> 01:07:05,021 and I'm here to stay. 957 01:07:05,104 --> 01:07:07,106 Karen, thank you... 958 01:07:07,190 --> 01:07:09,150 for loving me. 959 01:07:10,527 --> 01:07:12,195 And thank you for loving him. 960 01:07:13,947 --> 01:07:15,615 ♪ Keep me searching ♪ 961 01:07:15,698 --> 01:07:18,409 ♪ For a heart of gold ♪ 962 01:07:18,493 --> 01:07:20,411 ♪ You keep me searching ♪ 963 01:07:20,495 --> 01:07:22,205 ♪ And I'm growing old ♪ 964 01:07:22,288 --> 01:07:24,707 Looks him square in the eye, and he says, "Superman..." 965 01:07:24,791 --> 01:07:28,169 ♪ Keep me searching for a heart of gold ♪ 966 01:07:28,253 --> 01:07:29,712 Perfect. 967 01:07:29,796 --> 01:07:31,548 ♪ I've been a miner ♪ 968 01:07:31,631 --> 01:07:35,176 ♪ For a heart of gold ♪ 969 01:07:36,553 --> 01:07:38,221 ♪ Ah ♪ 970 01:07:38,304 --> 01:07:39,681 ♪ Mm. ♪ 971 01:07:49,691 --> 01:07:51,609 - Hey, good to see you. - Good to see you. 972 01:07:51,693 --> 01:07:54,070 Hey, Daisy. Hey, Daisy! 973 01:07:57,448 --> 01:07:59,158 Hey, Jazzy Jeff. 974 01:07:59,242 --> 01:08:01,202 What's going on, man? 975 01:08:01,286 --> 01:08:02,787 Hey, man, I miss you more 976 01:08:02,870 --> 01:08:05,748 than the sun misses the moon at night. 977 01:08:05,832 --> 01:08:07,750 Mm. 978 01:08:09,419 --> 01:08:11,129 - Hey, Karen. - Hey. 979 01:08:16,509 --> 01:08:18,595 Thank you for inviting me. 980 01:08:18,678 --> 01:08:20,221 Seriously. 981 01:08:34,319 --> 01:08:35,737 ♪ Can't steal the way ♪ 982 01:08:35,820 --> 01:08:38,072 ♪ I fuckin' felt when I got up today ♪ 983 01:08:38,156 --> 01:08:39,866 ♪ Well, I guess you're the judge ♪ 984 01:08:39,949 --> 01:08:41,492 ♪ I guess you're the king ♪ 985 01:08:41,576 --> 01:08:44,370 ♪ Of the forever beauty pageant I'm always... ♪ 986 01:08:50,335 --> 01:08:52,462 Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! Go, Daisy! 987 01:08:52,545 --> 01:08:53,963 Go, Daisy! 988 01:08:54,047 --> 01:08:55,548 Hey, honey. 989 01:08:59,302 --> 01:09:01,137 Go, Daisy, go! 990 01:09:10,855 --> 01:09:13,149 Nice. 991 01:09:15,902 --> 01:09:18,529 Oh! Ah, you! 992 01:09:18,613 --> 01:09:20,365 It's Daisy! 993 01:09:23,117 --> 01:09:24,661 Whoa! 994 01:09:32,919 --> 01:09:34,837 "If the marker is depleted 995 01:09:34,921 --> 01:09:36,798 "in meth addicts' brains, 996 01:09:36,881 --> 01:09:39,509 "it's likely there is a loss of nerve terminals 997 01:09:39,592 --> 01:09:42,053 "and the brain damage is irreversible. 998 01:09:42,136 --> 01:09:44,555 "However, when I tested for VMAT2, 999 01:09:44,639 --> 01:09:47,600 - I found normal levels." - So that's optimistic. 1000 01:09:47,684 --> 01:09:49,560 - Normal levels is optimistic, yeah. 1001 01:09:49,644 --> 01:09:51,270 - It's... 1002 01:09:51,354 --> 01:09:52,397 - It is. - Okay. 1003 01:09:52,480 --> 01:09:53,898 - No. I'm not... - I was just checking. 1004 01:09:53,981 --> 01:09:54,649 - No, no, that's good. - Okay. 1005 01:09:54,732 --> 01:09:55,900 Basically... 1006 01:09:55,983 --> 01:09:57,276 the fried... 1007 01:09:57,360 --> 01:09:59,362 Nic's fried nerve endings 1008 01:09:59,445 --> 01:10:01,823 can grow back. 1009 01:10:01,906 --> 01:10:04,033 They say it can take two years, but... 1010 01:10:04,117 --> 01:10:06,244 - Two years? - Yeah. 1011 01:10:06,327 --> 01:10:08,788 But that's great, David. 1012 01:10:18,381 --> 01:10:21,008 - Hey. - Hey. 1013 01:10:21,092 --> 01:10:24,137 - You're kind of late. - Yeah. It was a great meeting, 1014 01:10:24,220 --> 01:10:26,347 and after, we went to the speaker's house 1015 01:10:26,431 --> 01:10:28,307 and watched a video and... 1016 01:10:28,391 --> 01:10:32,311 saw my sober sponsee bros earlier, so... 1017 01:10:32,395 --> 01:10:34,355 No phone? 1018 01:10:34,439 --> 01:10:36,357 Oh, my cell was dead. 1019 01:10:39,277 --> 01:10:42,447 Would you be okay to do a drug test? 1020 01:10:43,573 --> 01:10:45,742 Yeah, I mean, sure. 1021 01:10:45,825 --> 01:10:47,285 Okay. 1022 01:11:04,719 --> 01:11:07,263 You understand why, right? 1023 01:11:07,346 --> 01:11:11,642 Yeah. I mean, I should've called to let you know, so... 1024 01:11:11,726 --> 01:11:15,521 I trust you-- we just need to have some sort of proof. 1025 01:11:19,358 --> 01:11:21,903 That's about as contradictory as it gets. 1026 01:11:21,986 --> 01:11:24,197 - But... - I know. I know. 1027 01:11:26,365 --> 01:11:28,534 I'll do it. No worries. 1028 01:11:28,618 --> 01:11:30,870 Nothing to hide. 1029 01:11:31,996 --> 01:11:33,372 Okay. 1030 01:11:35,708 --> 01:11:38,211 Hey, you're doing great. 1031 01:11:39,754 --> 01:11:41,547 You really are. 1032 01:11:41,631 --> 01:11:44,550 By my count, 485 days clean. 1033 01:11:44,634 --> 01:11:46,677 Wow. Come on, that's... 1034 01:11:50,681 --> 01:11:53,392 I'll just leave it in the bathroom, right? Okay. 1035 01:11:54,519 --> 01:11:56,020 All right. 1036 01:11:56,103 --> 01:11:58,022 - Good night, Dad. - Good night. 1037 01:11:58,105 --> 01:12:00,107 - I love you. - I love you, too. 1038 01:12:31,556 --> 01:12:33,474 All right, Jasper, you ready? 1039 01:12:33,558 --> 01:12:35,643 - Yep. Let's go, let's go, let's go. 1040 01:12:35,726 --> 01:12:37,854 Hey. No, no, no, wait. 1041 01:12:37,937 --> 01:12:40,982 - Jasper, I don't want you to go out there. 1042 01:12:41,065 --> 01:12:42,775 - What? Mom, we won't go far, I swear! 1043 01:12:42,859 --> 01:12:44,652 The waves are too big. It's too dangerous. 1044 01:12:44,735 --> 01:12:45,778 - But I am a great swimmer. 1045 01:12:45,862 --> 01:12:47,113 I've been in waves way bigger than this. 1046 01:12:47,196 --> 01:12:49,782 Yes, I know that, but I don't want you to... 1047 01:12:49,866 --> 01:12:51,284 - Yeah, I'll stay close. - Nic will stay close, 1048 01:12:51,367 --> 01:12:53,244 you see? 1049 01:12:53,327 --> 01:12:54,912 Karen, I'm gonna stay... 1050 01:12:54,996 --> 01:12:56,873 - I'll stay close. Nic can go in. 1051 01:12:56,956 --> 01:12:58,040 That's fine. You, no. 1052 01:12:58,124 --> 01:13:00,001 And that is final. 1053 01:13:00,084 --> 01:13:01,460 We'll see about that. 1054 01:13:01,544 --> 01:13:04,171 Hey! Okay. It's fine. 1055 01:13:04,255 --> 01:13:06,465 It's fine. 1056 01:13:15,391 --> 01:13:17,310 Should we just play a game instead? 1057 01:13:17,393 --> 01:13:19,520 - Uh... - Yeah? 1058 01:13:22,023 --> 01:13:24,233 Are you a hurfboard? 1059 01:13:24,317 --> 01:13:26,652 - No. - No? 1060 01:13:26,736 --> 01:13:28,654 Are you a hicycle? 1061 01:13:28,738 --> 01:13:30,489 - No. - No? 1062 01:13:30,573 --> 01:13:33,200 Okay. Uh, are you edible? 1063 01:13:33,284 --> 01:13:34,577 Not really. 1064 01:13:34,660 --> 01:13:36,662 - Not really? - Not really. 1065 01:13:36,746 --> 01:13:38,205 So, sort of. 1066 01:13:38,289 --> 01:13:40,833 So, um... 1067 01:13:40,917 --> 01:13:42,251 are you a house? 1068 01:13:42,335 --> 01:13:45,838 - Yes. How did you know? 1069 01:13:45,922 --> 01:13:47,632 You know, 1070 01:13:47,715 --> 01:13:50,259 I can read your mind. 1071 01:13:50,343 --> 01:13:52,929 - Ooh... - Ooh... 1072 01:13:54,347 --> 01:13:55,765 I know you're a great swimmer. 1073 01:13:55,848 --> 01:13:57,516 I'm gonna be there to cheer for you at your next swim meet. 1074 01:13:57,600 --> 01:13:58,434 How does that sound? 1075 01:13:58,517 --> 01:14:00,061 Yeah? 1076 01:14:00,144 --> 01:14:02,813 Okay. 1077 01:14:02,897 --> 01:14:05,149 Hey, is it weird to see me after all this time? 1078 01:14:05,232 --> 01:14:06,233 Or no? 1079 01:14:06,317 --> 01:14:08,653 - I guess it was, at first. - Okay. 1080 01:14:08,736 --> 01:14:10,947 - I thought you might be different. 1081 01:14:11,030 --> 01:14:13,574 But you're just the same old Nic. 1082 01:14:22,041 --> 01:14:25,962 ♪ This'll be ♪ 1083 01:14:26,045 --> 01:14:29,966 ♪ My last home ♪ 1084 01:14:30,049 --> 01:14:32,385 - ♪ But this stream ♪ All right. Thanks. 1085 01:14:32,468 --> 01:14:36,389 ♪ Will carry me through ♪ 1086 01:14:36,472 --> 01:14:39,600 - That was a great weekend. - Mm-hmm. 1087 01:14:39,684 --> 01:14:42,311 - ♪ But this stream ♪ - Bye, Nic! 1088 01:14:42,395 --> 01:14:47,066 ♪ Isn't home no more ♪ 1089 01:14:47,149 --> 01:14:49,276 ♪ And truth can ♪ 1090 01:14:49,360 --> 01:14:53,906 ♪ Make immune ♪ 1091 01:14:53,990 --> 01:14:56,784 ♪ If it doesn't make you wiser ♪ 1092 01:14:56,867 --> 01:14:58,536 ♪ Doesn't make you stronger ♪ 1093 01:14:58,619 --> 01:15:02,873 ♪ Doesn't make you live a little bit ♪ 1094 01:15:02,957 --> 01:15:07,837 ♪ What are you doing? ♪ 1095 01:15:10,589 --> 01:15:13,175 ♪ If it doesn't make you wiser ♪ 1096 01:15:13,259 --> 01:15:15,678 ♪ Doesn't make you stronger ♪ 1097 01:15:15,761 --> 01:15:19,432 ♪ Doesn't make you live a little bit ♪ 1098 01:15:19,515 --> 01:15:26,480 ♪ What are you doing? ♪ 1099 01:15:32,778 --> 01:15:35,573 - Go, Nic! 1100 01:15:43,873 --> 01:15:47,418 ♪ In these parting days ♪ 1101 01:15:47,501 --> 01:15:52,298 ♪ I am losing all my senses ♪ 1102 01:15:52,381 --> 01:15:55,259 ♪ In these timeless days ♪ 1103 01:15:55,342 --> 01:16:01,474 ♪ I can barely see through. ♪ 1104 01:16:02,975 --> 01:16:05,519 Bye, Nic! Bye, Nic! 1105 01:16:05,603 --> 01:16:07,730 Bye, Nic! 1106 01:16:30,294 --> 01:16:32,838 One day at a time, man. 1107 01:16:32,922 --> 01:16:34,131 Congratulations. Welcome to the real world. 1108 01:16:34,215 --> 01:16:36,050 Oh, I don't want to live in the real world. 1109 01:16:36,133 --> 01:16:37,676 I'm so sick of living in it. 1110 01:16:37,760 --> 01:16:39,178 - That's your disease talking to you, man. 1111 01:16:39,261 --> 01:16:40,763 - Oh, I'm trying. - By trying to isolate you. 1112 01:16:40,846 --> 01:16:42,348 Trying to kill you. You know this, man. 1113 01:16:42,431 --> 01:16:44,183 I don't feel like I have a disease, Spencer. 1114 01:16:44,266 --> 01:16:46,060 I feel like... 1115 01:16:46,143 --> 01:16:49,105 - Well, you got to. - This isn't like fucking cancer. 1116 01:16:49,188 --> 01:16:52,441 This is my fucking choice. I put myself here. 1117 01:16:52,525 --> 01:16:54,110 Yeah, you did. You did put yourself there. 1118 01:16:54,193 --> 01:16:55,861 Are you gonna let me talk or what? 1119 01:16:55,945 --> 01:16:58,864 Okay? Like, you're a writer, right? So write. 1120 01:16:58,948 --> 01:17:01,200 You're good at it. This is your day. This is a choice. 1121 01:17:01,283 --> 01:17:02,952 - What do you want to do now? - Fucking... 1122 01:17:03,035 --> 01:17:04,703 Once you get high, you lose all your choices. 1123 01:17:04,787 --> 01:17:06,455 - If you get high, you lose everything. - Right. 1124 01:17:06,539 --> 01:17:09,291 All right, so you got to keep choosing the right way. 1125 01:17:11,961 --> 01:17:13,879 - Right. - That's right. 1126 01:17:13,963 --> 01:17:15,714 You choose the right way. 1127 01:17:15,798 --> 01:17:17,216 Right. All right, hey, listen, 1128 01:17:17,299 --> 01:17:18,759 I'm gonna give you a call later, all right? 1129 01:17:18,843 --> 01:17:20,219 Uh, I-I feel like I'm gonna do all right. 1130 01:17:20,302 --> 01:17:21,595 You blowing me off now? 1131 01:17:21,679 --> 01:17:23,222 You gonna call me and waste my time? 1132 01:17:23,305 --> 01:17:25,015 Don't waste my time. I'm here for you, man. 1133 01:17:25,099 --> 01:17:26,600 You know what, look, I'm having some steaks tonight. 1134 01:17:26,684 --> 01:17:27,768 Why don't you come over for dinner. 1135 01:17:27,852 --> 01:17:28,978 - All right, I'll see you then. - You... 1136 01:17:29,061 --> 01:17:30,396 That sounds great. I'll see you then. 1137 01:17:30,479 --> 01:17:31,856 - Yo, Nic, Nic. - Yes, sir. I'll see you then. 1138 01:17:31,939 --> 01:17:33,983 - Nic... - All right, bye-bye. 1139 01:18:31,624 --> 01:18:33,626 Nic Sheff. 1140 01:18:33,709 --> 01:18:35,628 Lauren. What? 1141 01:18:35,711 --> 01:18:37,880 What are you... 1142 01:18:39,798 --> 01:18:41,467 Wow, it's been a long time. 1143 01:18:41,550 --> 01:18:42,927 What-what are you doing here? 1144 01:18:43,010 --> 01:18:45,554 Just, uh... 1145 01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:49,683 What? 1146 01:18:52,895 --> 01:18:54,480 I've been sober for a while, 1147 01:18:54,563 --> 01:18:57,483 but I'm seriously looking to party right now. 1148 01:19:20,881 --> 01:19:23,509 I got what you need. We have E, we have pills, man. 1149 01:19:23,592 --> 01:19:25,636 We have E. I told you, I told you. 1150 01:19:33,644 --> 01:19:36,355 Can you get me a cup of water and a spoon? 1151 01:19:36,438 --> 01:19:37,773 Mm-hmm. 1152 01:19:37,856 --> 01:19:40,150 All right. 1153 01:19:56,583 --> 01:19:58,919 - Mm-hmm. - All right. 1154 01:19:59,003 --> 01:20:01,547 - Here you go. - Thank you. 1155 01:20:02,631 --> 01:20:04,758 Cotton and a spoon. 1156 01:20:27,573 --> 01:20:30,326 Mmm. 1157 01:20:41,086 --> 01:20:43,255 All right, that's it. 1158 01:20:43,339 --> 01:20:45,257 That's it. 1159 01:20:55,017 --> 01:20:56,935 Wow. 1160 01:23:16,325 --> 01:23:18,368 Your call has been forwarded 1161 01:23:18,452 --> 01:23:20,370 to an automated voice messaging system. 1162 01:23:20,454 --> 01:23:22,247 At the tone, please record your message. 1163 01:23:23,665 --> 01:23:25,000 It's Dad again. 1164 01:23:25,083 --> 01:23:27,252 I feel like you might have been a little down 1165 01:23:27,336 --> 01:23:30,172 when you left, Nic, so I'm here to talk if you need to. 1166 01:23:30,255 --> 01:23:32,841 All right. 1167 01:23:44,937 --> 01:23:47,356 So you have no idea where he is? 1168 01:23:47,439 --> 01:23:49,900 Uh, Spencer told me he heard from him. 1169 01:23:49,983 --> 01:23:52,861 He was having a difficult time, but he was pulling through. 1170 01:23:52,945 --> 01:23:56,657 But, yeah, he's not at work, he's not at home. 1171 01:23:56,740 --> 01:23:59,034 - He's unreachable on his cell. - Damn it. Damn it. Vicki, 1172 01:23:59,117 --> 01:24:02,037 he left here two days ago. Why didn't you check on him? 1173 01:24:02,120 --> 01:24:04,414 You're supposed to be taking care of this kid, right? 1174 01:24:04,498 --> 01:24:06,041 What the fuck, David? 1175 01:24:06,124 --> 01:24:08,335 Who's been taking care of him the last year? 1176 01:24:08,418 --> 01:24:09,962 Well, you could've checked on him. 1177 01:24:10,045 --> 01:24:11,713 I mean, what the fuck is your problem? 1178 01:24:11,797 --> 01:24:14,216 What do you think I do all day? 1179 01:24:14,299 --> 01:24:17,678 Besides, we can't run surveillance on him 24/7. 1180 01:24:17,761 --> 01:24:20,639 I think you need to go to the police right now 1181 01:24:20,722 --> 01:24:22,683 and file a missing persons report, okay? 1182 01:24:22,766 --> 01:24:24,643 - Stop yelling at me! - No, I'm not gonna stop 1183 01:24:24,726 --> 01:24:26,895 - yelling at you, Vicki. - I hate it when you do that. 1184 01:24:26,979 --> 01:24:28,355 - Because you're just... - You're totally crazy. 1185 01:24:28,438 --> 01:24:29,731 What are you even doing there?! 1186 01:24:29,815 --> 01:24:31,650 - Fucking unfair, David! - No, no! Listen to me! 1187 01:24:31,733 --> 01:24:33,652 What are... 1188 01:24:34,736 --> 01:24:36,989 Damn. 1189 01:24:37,072 --> 01:24:39,491 Fuck! 1190 01:24:46,123 --> 01:24:47,791 Dave? 1191 01:24:47,874 --> 01:24:50,544 Could you call my phone, please? 1192 01:24:53,589 --> 01:24:55,424 What's going on? 1193 01:24:55,507 --> 01:24:57,301 He's gone. 1194 01:24:58,760 --> 01:25:01,763 How do we even know he's in L.A.? 1195 01:25:01,847 --> 01:25:04,391 I mean, he could be in San Francisco. He could be... 1196 01:25:04,474 --> 01:25:06,852 he could be in fucking Mexico, for all we know. 1197 01:25:06,935 --> 01:25:08,395 I need to go. 1198 01:25:08,478 --> 01:25:11,106 Yeah, but I need you to stay. 1199 01:25:11,189 --> 01:25:12,983 Well, Vicki can't handle it like I... 1200 01:25:13,066 --> 01:25:15,319 I don't care about Vicki. This isn't about Vicki. 1201 01:25:15,402 --> 01:25:18,989 Okay, why don't you just relax and try to be reasonable. 1202 01:25:19,072 --> 01:25:21,241 - What? You be reasonable. - I am being reasonable. 1203 01:25:21,325 --> 01:25:22,284 Is this reasonable?! 1204 01:25:22,367 --> 01:25:24,870 No! It's not! 1205 01:25:24,953 --> 01:25:26,288 How can I be?! 1206 01:25:26,371 --> 01:25:27,914 My son is out there somewhere, 1207 01:25:27,998 --> 01:25:29,583 and I don't know what he's doing! 1208 01:25:29,666 --> 01:25:31,126 I don't know how to help him! 1209 01:25:31,209 --> 01:25:33,629 You can't! 1210 01:25:44,222 --> 01:25:45,891 I can't sleep. 1211 01:25:50,020 --> 01:25:50,896 You can't sleep? 1212 01:25:50,979 --> 01:25:52,439 I can't sleep. 1213 01:25:52,522 --> 01:25:53,690 Okay. 1214 01:25:57,903 --> 01:25:59,821 Good night, Daddy. 1215 01:26:00,906 --> 01:26:02,407 Good night. 1216 01:26:02,491 --> 01:26:04,284 ♪ Sunrise ♪ 1217 01:26:04,368 --> 01:26:06,870 ♪ Sunset ♪ 1218 01:26:27,349 --> 01:26:30,018 ♪ Is this the little girl ♪ 1219 01:26:30,102 --> 01:26:32,854 ♪ I carried? ♪ 1220 01:26:34,815 --> 01:26:37,776 ♪ Is this the little boy ♪ 1221 01:26:37,859 --> 01:26:39,778 ♪ At play? ♪ 1222 01:26:39,861 --> 01:26:41,530 Let go! 1223 01:26:41,613 --> 01:26:43,198 Airplane flying! 1224 01:26:43,281 --> 01:26:44,783 ♪ I don't remember ♪ 1225 01:26:44,866 --> 01:26:48,245 - ♪ Growing older ♪ Airplane! 1226 01:26:48,328 --> 01:26:50,247 Fly away! Fly! 1227 01:26:52,082 --> 01:26:55,711 - ♪ When did they? ♪ Airplane! Push! 1228 01:26:58,922 --> 01:27:01,925 ♪ When did she get to be ♪ 1229 01:27:02,008 --> 01:27:04,302 ♪ A beauty? ♪ 1230 01:27:06,722 --> 01:27:09,307 ♪ When did he grow to be ♪ 1231 01:27:09,391 --> 01:27:12,102 ♪ So tall? ♪ 1232 01:27:12,185 --> 01:27:14,771 ♪ Ooh... ♪ 1233 01:27:14,855 --> 01:27:17,065 ♪ Wasn't it yesterday ♪ 1234 01:27:17,149 --> 01:27:19,735 ♪ That they ♪ 1235 01:27:19,818 --> 01:27:24,614 ♪ Were small? ♪ 1236 01:27:29,494 --> 01:27:31,788 ♪ Sunrise ♪ 1237 01:27:31,872 --> 01:27:34,166 ♪ Sunset ♪ 1238 01:27:34,249 --> 01:27:36,209 ♪ Sunrise ♪ 1239 01:27:36,293 --> 01:27:37,836 ♪ Sunset ♪ 1240 01:27:37,919 --> 01:27:40,505 ♪ Swiftly ♪ 1241 01:27:40,589 --> 01:27:46,261 ♪ Fly the years ♪ 1242 01:27:46,344 --> 01:27:48,263 ♪ One season ♪ 1243 01:27:48,346 --> 01:27:54,853 ♪ Following another ♪ 1244 01:27:54,936 --> 01:27:58,273 ♪ Laden with happiness... ♪ 1245 01:27:58,356 --> 01:27:59,649 No. Uh-uh. Come on, not you. Come on. 1246 01:27:59,733 --> 01:28:00,984 Hold on. 1247 01:28:01,067 --> 01:28:02,277 - Get back in. Guys, come on. - Hold on. Hold on, honey. 1248 01:28:02,360 --> 01:28:03,403 - Wait. - Good dog. 1249 01:28:03,487 --> 01:28:05,238 - ♪ One season... ♪ - What's up? 1250 01:28:05,322 --> 01:28:08,533 I thought Nic was gonna be here today. 1251 01:28:08,617 --> 01:28:10,827 Uh, no. Something came up. 1252 01:28:11,912 --> 01:28:13,997 Can I call him? 1253 01:28:14,080 --> 01:28:15,999 No, no. You can't. 1254 01:28:16,082 --> 01:28:17,584 It's not gonna be possible. 1255 01:28:17,667 --> 01:28:18,668 Why not? 1256 01:28:18,752 --> 01:28:20,670 Because it's not. 1257 01:28:20,754 --> 01:28:23,507 Is Nic back on drugs again? 1258 01:28:23,590 --> 01:28:25,634 ♪ Sunrise ♪ 1259 01:28:25,717 --> 01:28:27,594 ♪ Sunset ♪ 1260 01:28:27,677 --> 01:28:30,347 - ♪ Sunrise ♪ - We don't know, honey. 1261 01:28:30,430 --> 01:28:32,891 ♪ Sunset. ♪ 1262 01:30:06,568 --> 01:30:08,403 All right. 1263 01:31:48,628 --> 01:31:50,922 Come on, Jasper! Whup. 1264 01:32:03,685 --> 01:32:05,603 Yup. 1265 01:32:29,169 --> 01:32:30,211 You got it? 1266 01:32:30,295 --> 01:32:32,297 Oh, fuck. Okay. Hey, Lauren. 1267 01:32:33,590 --> 01:32:35,300 - Lauren, let's go. - What? 1268 01:32:35,383 --> 01:32:36,926 We got to go. 1269 01:32:38,636 --> 01:32:40,472 - What's going on? - Here. 1270 01:32:40,555 --> 01:32:43,183 We got to go. 1271 01:32:43,266 --> 01:32:45,185 Fine. 1272 01:32:59,532 --> 01:33:02,077 I think I just saw Nic. 1273 01:33:02,160 --> 01:33:03,870 What? 1274 01:33:03,953 --> 01:33:07,040 I think I just saw Nic and a girl running away. 1275 01:33:13,838 --> 01:33:15,298 Nic. 1276 01:33:15,381 --> 01:33:16,841 Uh, no. Stay inside. 1277 01:33:16,925 --> 01:33:18,676 - Okay. - No. 1278 01:33:18,760 --> 01:33:22,555 All right, no. Stay inside! I am not kidding, all right? 1279 01:33:22,639 --> 01:33:24,307 Stay there. 1280 01:33:27,519 --> 01:33:29,437 - Okay. 1281 01:33:29,521 --> 01:33:32,065 Shit. Never again. 1282 01:33:32,148 --> 01:33:34,359 - It's okay. Hey. - What do we do? What do we do? 1283 01:33:34,442 --> 01:33:35,819 It's all right. 1284 01:33:40,824 --> 01:33:42,951 That was so terrible. 1285 01:33:43,034 --> 01:33:46,162 Oh, fuck! 1286 01:33:50,625 --> 01:33:52,961 Nic? Nic? Nic! 1287 01:33:54,754 --> 01:33:56,047 Oh... 1288 01:33:56,756 --> 01:33:59,592 ♪ All the ladies of court ♪ 1289 01:33:59,676 --> 01:34:01,427 ♪ Gather round ♪ 1290 01:34:02,846 --> 01:34:05,181 ♪ Joining in heavenly fare ♪ 1291 01:34:07,392 --> 01:34:09,310 Oh. No. No. No. 1292 01:34:09,394 --> 01:34:11,855 - ♪ Gathering promises ♪ 1293 01:34:11,938 --> 01:34:13,940 ♪ Of future heroes ♪ 1294 01:34:14,023 --> 01:34:16,401 ♪ Showing faith ♪ 1295 01:34:16,484 --> 01:34:19,070 ♪ It is all as you go ♪ 1296 01:34:21,865 --> 01:34:27,078 ♪ Red light and green light and men in their armor ♪ 1297 01:34:27,162 --> 01:34:32,208 ♪ And fight for the queen if you dare ♪ 1298 01:34:33,835 --> 01:34:37,255 ♪ It's a long way to go ♪ 1299 01:34:37,338 --> 01:34:40,466 ♪ To test out your mettle ♪ 1300 01:34:40,550 --> 01:34:43,595 ♪ Well, a long way to go ♪ 1301 01:34:43,678 --> 01:34:47,682 ♪ To go down ♪ 1302 01:34:51,978 --> 01:34:54,230 ♪ And I'll write them a letter ♪ 1303 01:34:56,316 --> 01:34:59,777 ♪ I said forgive all we've done ♪ 1304 01:35:01,487 --> 01:35:06,618 ♪ Please first grant this favor, sir ♪ 1305 01:35:06,701 --> 01:35:09,162 ♪ Forgive us quick or we'll run ♪ 1306 01:35:13,249 --> 01:35:15,168 ♪ Or we'll run ♪ 1307 01:35:18,296 --> 01:35:19,964 ♪ Or we'll run ♪ 1308 01:35:22,926 --> 01:35:25,345 ♪ Or we'll run ♪ 1309 01:35:25,428 --> 01:35:28,139 Come on! 1310 01:35:28,223 --> 01:35:30,767 ♪ Or... ♪ 1311 01:35:30,850 --> 01:35:36,064 ♪ We'll run... ♪ 1312 01:35:55,625 --> 01:35:58,795 - I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. 1313 01:36:22,902 --> 01:36:24,612 Okay. Okay. 1314 01:36:26,864 --> 01:36:29,409 911. What is your emergency? 1315 01:36:29,492 --> 01:36:31,452 Yeah. Hi. Uh, I got a f... I'm-I'm with a friend. 1316 01:36:31,536 --> 01:36:32,787 She just O.D.'d, and, uh, 1317 01:36:32,870 --> 01:36:34,414 I need an ambulance, I need some help. 1318 01:36:34,497 --> 01:36:35,832 Sir, do you know CPR? 1319 01:36:35,915 --> 01:36:37,375 Yeah, I'm doing it right now. I just... 1320 01:36:37,458 --> 01:36:39,502 Uh, we... You-you guys, you got to send an ambulance, 1321 01:36:39,585 --> 01:36:41,754 - too, all right? - What is your location? 1322 01:36:41,838 --> 01:36:43,798 Yeah, I don't know. 1323 01:36:43,881 --> 01:36:45,425 Y-You-you guys are gonna have to trace the call. 1324 01:36:45,508 --> 01:36:47,218 Hello? 1325 01:36:47,302 --> 01:36:50,638 Hello? Sir, are you still there? 1326 01:36:50,722 --> 01:36:52,974 - Sir? 1327 01:36:55,893 --> 01:36:57,437 Sir? Sir? 1328 01:37:06,362 --> 01:37:09,282 - Look up. 1329 01:37:09,365 --> 01:37:10,992 Honey, look up for me. 1330 01:37:12,618 --> 01:37:15,913 Can you look up this way over here? 1331 01:37:15,997 --> 01:37:17,999 Hey, look, we're gonna need to take you to the ER. 1332 01:37:18,082 --> 01:37:19,500 I-I don't... I don't want to. I-I... 1333 01:37:19,584 --> 01:37:21,085 - We need to take you to the ER. - I'm fine. 1334 01:37:21,169 --> 01:37:22,587 She doesn't want to go to the ER. She's... 1335 01:37:22,670 --> 01:37:24,088 She's... No, she's not okay. We need to take her 1336 01:37:24,172 --> 01:37:25,506 - to the ER. - But she doesn't want to go. 1337 01:37:25,590 --> 01:37:27,216 No, sir, she needs to go! 1338 01:37:27,300 --> 01:37:28,926 - Okay? 1339 01:37:29,010 --> 01:37:31,471 You have a problem with that, I can inform the police. 1340 01:37:31,554 --> 01:37:33,181 Goddamn it. 1341 01:37:33,264 --> 01:37:36,684 You're gonna come and meet me, right? 1342 01:37:36,768 --> 01:37:38,144 - Yes. Yes! - You promise? 1343 01:37:38,227 --> 01:37:40,605 I love you. 1344 01:37:40,688 --> 01:37:43,066 - I love you, too. 1345 01:37:43,149 --> 01:37:44,692 You promise you're gonna meet me? 1346 01:37:44,776 --> 01:37:46,110 - Yes, Lauren. I'll come fucking meet you. 1347 01:37:46,194 --> 01:37:47,070 What do you want from me? 1348 01:37:47,153 --> 01:37:50,114 - Okay, okay. - Jesus fucking Christ. 1349 01:38:16,516 --> 01:38:18,851 David Sheff. 1350 01:38:18,935 --> 01:38:20,645 Hey, Dad. It's me. 1351 01:38:23,356 --> 01:38:25,817 - Nic? - Yeah. 1352 01:38:34,283 --> 01:38:36,244 Please don't hate me, Dad. 1353 01:38:37,870 --> 01:38:39,789 I know I did wrong. 1354 01:38:41,582 --> 01:38:43,584 I want to stop, but please, please, please, 1355 01:38:43,668 --> 01:38:45,461 please, please, please no rehab, all right? 1356 01:38:45,545 --> 01:38:48,297 Just let me come home. You know what? 1357 01:38:48,381 --> 01:38:52,135 I realize it's actually I... I-I need to be home. 1358 01:38:52,218 --> 01:38:56,931 You guys, you guys are gonna give me the strength to stop. 1359 01:38:57,014 --> 01:38:58,975 All right? 1360 01:39:01,894 --> 01:39:03,813 That's not going to happen. 1361 01:39:13,156 --> 01:39:16,200 I wish that I could help you, 1362 01:39:16,284 --> 01:39:18,202 but I can't do that. 1363 01:39:18,286 --> 01:39:19,996 I c... I can't. 1364 01:39:20,079 --> 01:39:22,081 Oh, please help me, Dad. 1365 01:39:23,624 --> 01:39:25,793 No, Dad. I just need a little bit 1366 01:39:25,877 --> 01:39:27,837 of help. 1367 01:39:27,920 --> 01:39:29,964 Please help me. I want to come home. 1368 01:39:30,047 --> 01:39:32,717 All I can tell you is what you already know. 1369 01:39:32,800 --> 01:39:35,470 - Dad, why aren't you fucking listening to me? 1370 01:39:35,553 --> 01:39:37,180 - Call your sponsor. 1371 01:39:37,263 --> 01:39:38,723 - I don't want to talk to my sponsor now. 1372 01:39:38,806 --> 01:39:40,808 - I want to talk to you. - Get help. 1373 01:39:40,892 --> 01:39:43,144 - I love you. - Dad, what... 1374 01:39:43,227 --> 01:39:45,563 - And I hope that you get your life together. 1375 01:39:45,646 --> 01:39:47,148 - I love you, too. 1376 01:39:47,231 --> 01:39:49,692 I love you. 1377 01:42:17,632 --> 01:42:19,008 Hello. 1378 01:42:19,091 --> 01:42:21,552 - Nicolas called. 1379 01:42:21,636 --> 01:42:23,137 He sounds desperate. 1380 01:42:23,220 --> 01:42:25,056 Gonna die if we don't do anything. 1381 01:42:25,139 --> 01:42:27,099 Well... 1382 01:42:27,183 --> 01:42:30,061 he's gonna die even if we do. 1383 01:42:30,144 --> 01:42:32,772 Nothing we do has any effect on him. 1384 01:42:39,737 --> 01:42:41,447 I failed. 1385 01:42:41,530 --> 01:42:42,865 I know you feel ashamed, okay? 1386 01:42:42,948 --> 01:42:45,451 So do I. 1387 01:42:45,534 --> 01:42:47,787 But you have done great, David. 1388 01:42:47,870 --> 01:42:50,748 And Karen, too, so thank you for that. 1389 01:42:50,831 --> 01:42:52,667 You were up for it when I wasn't, 1390 01:42:52,750 --> 01:42:54,543 and I'm not giving up now. 1391 01:42:55,670 --> 01:42:57,421 Never. 1392 01:42:59,131 --> 01:43:01,842 But I can't do it alone. 1393 01:43:04,929 --> 01:43:07,640 I need your help. 1394 01:43:09,892 --> 01:43:12,853 I don't think you can save people, Vicki. 1395 01:43:14,814 --> 01:43:18,109 You can be there for them, can't you? 1396 01:43:22,029 --> 01:43:24,115 Look at this. 1397 01:43:29,286 --> 01:43:31,205 I'm done. 1398 01:43:31,288 --> 01:43:33,457 - Oh. - Okay? I... 1399 01:43:33,541 --> 01:43:36,460 Okay. 1400 01:44:10,119 --> 01:44:12,079 Hey, everybody. 1401 01:44:12,163 --> 01:44:14,832 Time to get together. 1402 01:44:25,342 --> 01:44:31,390 I... I had a rough week. 1403 01:44:33,893 --> 01:44:35,603 Some of you know, some of you don't. 1404 01:44:35,686 --> 01:44:37,271 I, um... 1405 01:44:37,354 --> 01:44:39,398 I lost my Frances this week. 1406 01:44:39,482 --> 01:44:42,568 She died of an overdose on Sunday. 1407 01:44:42,651 --> 01:44:44,695 So... 1408 01:44:44,779 --> 01:44:48,699 I guess I'm in mourning, but I-I... 1409 01:44:48,783 --> 01:44:51,118 I realized something else. 1410 01:44:51,202 --> 01:44:55,164 I've actually been in mourning for years. 1411 01:44:57,333 --> 01:44:59,543 'Cause even when she was alive, she... 1412 01:44:59,627 --> 01:45:02,087 she wasn't there. 1413 01:45:02,171 --> 01:45:06,383 When you mourn the living, 1414 01:45:06,467 --> 01:45:09,261 that's a hard way to live. 1415 01:45:11,305 --> 01:45:13,766 And so, in... 1416 01:45:13,849 --> 01:45:16,018 in a way, it's-it's... 1417 01:45:16,101 --> 01:45:18,103 it's better, I guess. 1418 01:45:22,358 --> 01:45:27,863 She was a dear, dear young woman. 1419 01:45:29,907 --> 01:45:31,992 I always felt... 1420 01:45:32,076 --> 01:45:34,662 I needed to... to stay strong, 1421 01:45:34,745 --> 01:45:38,082 that there'd be some future event, 1422 01:45:38,165 --> 01:45:40,709 and I'd... I'd need all my strength for it. 1423 01:45:44,380 --> 01:45:46,841 But there are no events after this one. 1424 01:45:46,924 --> 01:45:50,386 I hope she's not in pain now. 1425 01:45:57,101 --> 01:45:59,019 Bye, Frances. 1426 01:47:56,136 --> 01:47:58,305 Hey. 1427 01:47:58,389 --> 01:48:00,557 Hi. 1428 01:48:09,900 --> 01:48:11,360 How's he doing? 1429 01:48:11,443 --> 01:48:13,612 The doctor's with him now. 1430 01:48:15,280 --> 01:48:17,032 He said it's close to a miracle 1431 01:48:17,116 --> 01:48:19,994 Nic survived with all the drugs in his body. 1432 01:51:10,247 --> 01:51:12,166 ♪ Ah ♪ 1433 01:51:28,056 --> 01:51:31,226 ♪ I was somewhere 2000 in a daydream ♪ 1434 01:51:33,020 --> 01:51:37,191 ♪ I was hiding, I couldn't face it ♪ 1435 01:51:37,274 --> 01:51:40,569 ♪ I used to live my life in the wind... ♪ 1436 01:51:40,652 --> 01:51:44,948 ♪ I felt out of sync, audio phasing ♪ 1437 01:51:45,032 --> 01:51:48,911 ♪ Felt like I couldn't find my place in ♪ 1438 01:51:54,082 --> 01:51:57,252 ♪ Sky shivers, they, they turn to rain ♪ 1439 01:51:57,336 --> 01:51:59,213 ♪ I turn again ♪ 1440 01:51:59,296 --> 01:52:02,299 ♪ I wish we could heal ♪ 1441 01:52:06,887 --> 01:52:10,849 ♪ I'll take you home, I'll make you whole ♪ 1442 01:52:10,933 --> 01:52:15,729 ♪ You make me wish that this wasn't real ♪ 1443 01:52:20,359 --> 01:52:22,819 ♪ Because you're ♪ 1444 01:52:22,903 --> 01:52:24,821 ♪ Oh ♪ 1445 01:52:24,905 --> 01:52:29,660 ♪ You're my treasure ♪ 1446 01:52:32,996 --> 01:52:35,707 ♪ Because you're ♪ 1447 01:52:35,791 --> 01:52:37,626 ♪ Oh ♪ 1448 01:52:37,709 --> 01:52:42,464 ♪ You're my treasure ♪ 1449 01:52:45,008 --> 01:52:49,721 ♪ I used to live my life in the wind ♪ 1450 01:52:54,685 --> 01:52:56,270 ♪ And I would fly ♪ 1451 01:52:56,353 --> 01:52:59,356 ♪ Wherever you would swim ♪ 1452 01:53:04,194 --> 01:53:09,032 ♪ I couldn't stand by you or anything ♪ 1453 01:53:11,243 --> 01:53:14,413 ♪ Sky shivers, they, they turn to rain ♪ 1454 01:53:14,496 --> 01:53:16,206 ♪ I turn again ♪ 1455 01:53:16,290 --> 01:53:19,543 ♪ I wish we could heal ♪ 1456 01:53:24,381 --> 01:53:27,467 ♪ I'll take you home, I'll make you whole ♪ 1457 01:53:27,551 --> 01:53:32,222 ♪ You make me wish that this wasn't real ♪ 1458 01:53:36,893 --> 01:53:39,604 ♪ Because you're ♪ 1459 01:53:39,688 --> 01:53:41,356 ♪ Oh ♪ 1460 01:53:41,440 --> 01:53:46,361 ♪ You're my treasure ♪ 1461 01:53:49,698 --> 01:53:52,326 ♪ Because you're ♪ 1462 01:53:52,409 --> 01:53:54,119 ♪ Oh ♪ 1463 01:53:54,202 --> 01:53:58,749 ♪ You're my treasure ♪ 1464 01:54:02,127 --> 01:54:03,503 ♪ Bad habits ♪ 1465 01:54:03,587 --> 01:54:05,213 ♪ And good times ♪ 1466 01:54:05,297 --> 01:54:06,673 ♪ Let's take a risk ♪ 1467 01:54:06,757 --> 01:54:08,300 ♪ On our lives ♪ 1468 01:54:08,383 --> 01:54:10,093 ♪ Don't smile ♪ 1469 01:54:10,177 --> 01:54:11,762 ♪ Just might cry ♪ 1470 01:54:11,845 --> 01:54:13,180 ♪ Go around the roundabout ♪ 1471 01:54:13,263 --> 01:54:14,765 ♪ Like five times ♪ 1472 01:54:14,848 --> 01:54:16,558 ♪ With two scratches ♪ 1473 01:54:16,641 --> 01:54:17,809 ♪ Hard drive ♪ 1474 01:54:17,893 --> 01:54:19,061 ♪ Open up to it ♪ 1475 01:54:19,144 --> 01:54:20,312 ♪ Get me three times ♪ 1476 01:54:20,395 --> 01:54:21,271 ♪ Not lying ♪ 1477 01:54:21,355 --> 01:54:22,272 ♪ Watch the heavens ♪ 1478 01:54:22,356 --> 01:54:23,315 ♪ Goes up ♪ 1479 01:54:23,398 --> 01:54:24,524 ♪ Three times ♪ 1480 01:54:24,608 --> 01:54:25,984 ♪ Watch the heavens ♪ 1481 01:54:26,068 --> 01:54:30,197 ♪ As the sun dies ♪ 1482 01:54:34,117 --> 01:54:37,829 ♪ When breathing even is a challenge ♪ 1483 01:54:37,913 --> 01:54:41,041 ♪ I don't want to lose control ♪ 1484 01:54:41,124 --> 01:54:44,503 ♪ I need it, gotta have it ♪ 1485 01:54:44,586 --> 01:54:47,589 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1486 01:54:47,672 --> 01:54:49,007 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1487 01:54:49,091 --> 01:54:50,801 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1488 01:54:50,884 --> 01:54:53,804 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1489 01:54:53,887 --> 01:54:55,514 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1490 01:54:55,597 --> 01:54:57,391 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1491 01:54:57,474 --> 01:55:00,185 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1492 01:55:00,268 --> 01:55:01,812 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1493 01:55:01,895 --> 01:55:03,563 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1494 01:55:03,647 --> 01:55:06,566 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1495 01:55:06,650 --> 01:55:08,360 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1496 01:55:08,443 --> 01:55:09,653 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1497 01:55:09,736 --> 01:55:11,488 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1498 01:55:11,571 --> 01:55:13,365 ♪ Don't stop clinging Still alive ♪ 1499 01:55:13,448 --> 01:55:15,158 ♪ Don't stop clinging ♪ 1500 01:55:15,242 --> 01:55:17,953 ♪ Don't stop clinging, don't stop clinging ♪ 1501 01:55:18,036 --> 01:55:19,913 ♪ Don't stop clinging... Still alive... ♪ 1502 01:55:19,996 --> 01:55:21,790 Either peace or happiness, 1503 01:55:21,873 --> 01:55:23,667 let it enfold you. 1504 01:55:23,750 --> 01:55:26,670 When I was a young man, I felt that these things 1505 01:55:26,753 --> 01:55:29,172 were dumb, unsophisticated. 1506 01:55:29,256 --> 01:55:31,425 I had bad blood, a twisted mind, 1507 01:55:31,508 --> 01:55:33,552 a precarious upbringing. 1508 01:55:33,635 --> 01:55:35,220 I was hard as granite. 1509 01:55:35,303 --> 01:55:37,139 I leered at the sun. 1510 01:55:37,222 --> 01:55:40,559 I trusted no man and especially no woman. 1511 01:55:40,642 --> 01:55:42,936 I was living a hell in small rooms. 1512 01:55:43,019 --> 01:55:44,688 I broke things, smashed things, 1513 01:55:44,771 --> 01:55:47,315 walked through glass, cursed. 1514 01:55:47,399 --> 01:55:48,942 I challenged everything, 1515 01:55:49,025 --> 01:55:51,194 was continually being evicted, jailed, 1516 01:55:51,278 --> 01:55:53,488 in and out of fights, in and out of my mind. 1517 01:55:53,572 --> 01:55:56,408 Women were something to screw and rail at. 1518 01:55:56,491 --> 01:55:58,535 I had no male friends. 1519 01:55:58,618 --> 01:56:00,662 I changed jobs and cities. 1520 01:56:00,745 --> 01:56:03,373 I hated holidays, babies, history, 1521 01:56:03,457 --> 01:56:05,959 newspapers, museums, grandmothers, 1522 01:56:06,042 --> 01:56:09,087 marriage, movies, spiders, garbagemen, 1523 01:56:09,171 --> 01:56:12,966 English accents, Spain, France, Italy, 1524 01:56:13,049 --> 01:56:15,719 walnuts and the color orange. 1525 01:56:15,802 --> 01:56:17,596 Algebra angered me. 1526 01:56:17,679 --> 01:56:19,514 Opera sickened me. 1527 01:56:19,598 --> 01:56:21,600 Charlie Chaplin was a fake. 1528 01:56:21,683 --> 01:56:23,727 And flowers were for pansies. 1529 01:56:23,810 --> 01:56:27,189 Peace and happiness were to me signs of inferiority, 1530 01:56:27,272 --> 01:56:29,983 tenants of the weak and addled mind. 1531 01:56:30,066 --> 01:56:32,611 But as I went on with my alley fights, 1532 01:56:32,694 --> 01:56:34,029 my suicidal years, 1533 01:56:34,112 --> 01:56:36,031 my passage through any number of women, 1534 01:56:36,114 --> 01:56:39,659 it gradually began to occur to me that I wasn't different 1535 01:56:39,743 --> 01:56:41,745 from the others, I was the same. 1536 01:56:41,828 --> 01:56:43,705 They were all fulsome with hatred, 1537 01:56:43,788 --> 01:56:46,124 glossed over with petty grievances. 1538 01:56:46,208 --> 01:56:48,752 The men I fought in alleys had hearts of stone. 1539 01:56:48,835 --> 01:56:50,712 Everybody was nudging, inching, 1540 01:56:50,795 --> 01:56:53,632 cheating for some insignificant advantage. 1541 01:56:53,715 --> 01:56:56,801 The lie was the weapon, and the plot was empty. 1542 01:56:56,885 --> 01:56:59,095 Darkness was the dictator. 1543 01:56:59,179 --> 01:57:02,474 Cautiously, I allowed myself to feel good at times. 1544 01:57:02,557 --> 01:57:04,434 I found moments of peace in cheap rooms 1545 01:57:04,518 --> 01:57:07,479 just staring at the knobs of some dresser 1546 01:57:07,562 --> 01:57:09,814 or listening to the rain in the dark. 1547 01:57:09,898 --> 01:57:12,817 The less I needed, the better I felt. 1548 01:57:12,901 --> 01:57:14,736 Maybe the other life had worn me down. 1549 01:57:14,819 --> 01:57:16,446 I no longer found glamour 1550 01:57:16,530 --> 01:57:18,782 in topping somebody in conversation 1551 01:57:18,865 --> 01:57:22,077 or in mounting the body of some poor, drunken female 1552 01:57:22,160 --> 01:57:24,621 whose life had slipped away into sorrow. 1553 01:57:24,704 --> 01:57:26,581 I could never accept life as it was. 1554 01:57:26,665 --> 01:57:29,417 I could never gobble down all its poisons. 1555 01:57:29,501 --> 01:57:31,711 But there were parts, tenuous magic parts, 1556 01:57:31,795 --> 01:57:33,713 open for the asking. 1557 01:57:33,797 --> 01:57:35,298 I reformulated. 1558 01:57:35,382 --> 01:57:37,342 I don't know when-- date, time, all that-- 1559 01:57:37,425 --> 01:57:38,927 but the change occurred. 1560 01:57:39,010 --> 01:57:42,305 Something in me relaxed, smoothed out. 1561 01:57:42,389 --> 01:57:44,599 I no longer had to prove that I was a man. 1562 01:57:44,683 --> 01:57:46,351 I didn't have to prove anything. 1563 01:57:46,434 --> 01:57:47,936 I began to see things. 1564 01:57:48,019 --> 01:57:50,647 Coffee cups lined up behind a counter in a cafe. 1565 01:57:50,730 --> 01:57:53,358 Or a dog walking along a sidewalk. 1566 01:57:53,441 --> 01:57:55,318 Or the way the mouse on my dresser top 1567 01:57:55,402 --> 01:57:57,362 stopped there, really stopped there, 1568 01:57:57,445 --> 01:57:59,447 with its body, its ears, its nose. 1569 01:57:59,531 --> 01:58:03,368 It was fixed, a bit of life caught within itself, 1570 01:58:03,451 --> 01:58:07,205 and its eyes looked at me, and they were beautiful. 1571 01:58:07,289 --> 01:58:09,291 Then it was gone. 1572 01:58:09,374 --> 01:58:11,167 I began to feel good. 1573 01:58:11,251 --> 01:58:13,628 I began to feel good in the worst situations, 1574 01:58:13,712 --> 01:58:15,422 and there were plenty of those. 1575 01:58:15,505 --> 01:58:18,508 Like, say, the boss behind his desk. 1576 01:58:18,592 --> 01:58:20,594 He is going to have to fire me. 1577 01:58:20,677 --> 01:58:22,345 I've missed too many days. 1578 01:58:22,429 --> 01:58:25,682 He's dressed in a suit, necktie, glasses. 1579 01:58:25,765 --> 01:58:28,435 He says, 'I am going to have to let you go.' 1580 01:58:28,518 --> 01:58:30,228 'It's all right,' I tell him. 1581 01:58:30,312 --> 01:58:31,646 He must do what he must do. 1582 01:58:31,730 --> 01:58:33,607 He has a wife, a house, children, 1583 01:58:33,690 --> 01:58:36,860 expenses, most probably a girlfriend. 1584 01:58:36,943 --> 01:58:38,320 I'm sorry for him. 1585 01:58:38,403 --> 01:58:39,613 He's caught. 1586 01:58:39,696 --> 01:58:41,656 I walk out into the blazing sunshine. 1587 01:58:41,740 --> 01:58:44,451 The whole day is mine, temporarily anyhow. 1588 01:58:44,534 --> 01:58:47,078 The whole world is at the throat of the world. 1589 01:58:47,162 --> 01:58:50,040 Everybody feels angry, short-changed, cheated. 1590 01:58:50,123 --> 01:58:52,751 Everybody is despondent, disillusioned. 1591 01:58:52,834 --> 01:58:55,920 I welcomed shots of peace, tattered shards of happiness. 1592 01:58:56,004 --> 01:58:58,340 I embraced that stuff like the hottest number, 1593 01:58:58,423 --> 01:59:01,259 like high heels, breasts, singing, the works. 1594 01:59:01,343 --> 01:59:02,719 Don't get me wrong, 1595 01:59:02,802 --> 01:59:04,554 there is such a thing as cockeyed optimism 1596 01:59:04,638 --> 01:59:05,930 that overlooks all basic problems 1597 01:59:06,014 --> 01:59:07,390 just for the sake of itself. 1598 01:59:07,474 --> 01:59:09,684 This is a shield and a sickness. 1599 01:59:09,768 --> 01:59:11,728 The knife got near my throat again. 1600 01:59:11,811 --> 01:59:13,647 I almost turned on the gas again. 1601 01:59:13,730 --> 01:59:15,649 But when the good moments arrived again, 1602 01:59:15,732 --> 01:59:17,776 I didn't fight them off like an alley adversary. 1603 01:59:17,859 --> 01:59:20,737 I let them take me. I luxuriated in them. 1604 01:59:20,820 --> 01:59:22,614 I bade them welcome home. 1605 01:59:22,697 --> 01:59:24,240 I even looked into the mirror once 1606 01:59:24,324 --> 01:59:27,243 having thought myself to be ugly. 1607 01:59:27,327 --> 01:59:29,329 I now liked what I saw. 1608 01:59:29,412 --> 01:59:30,997 Almost handsome. 1609 01:59:31,081 --> 01:59:33,208 Yes, a bit ripped and ragged. 1610 01:59:33,291 --> 01:59:35,418 Scars, lumps, odd turns. 1611 01:59:35,502 --> 01:59:37,545 But all in all, not too bad. 1612 01:59:37,629 --> 01:59:39,297 Almost handsome. 1613 01:59:39,381 --> 01:59:41,383 Better at least than some of those movie star faces 1614 01:59:41,466 --> 01:59:43,218 like the cheeks of a baby's butt. 1615 01:59:43,301 --> 01:59:44,761 And finally I discovered 1616 01:59:44,844 --> 01:59:47,180 real feelings for others, unheralded. 1617 01:59:47,263 --> 01:59:48,932 Like lately, like this morning, 1618 01:59:49,015 --> 01:59:52,435 as I was leaving for the track, I saw my wife in bed, 1619 01:59:52,519 --> 01:59:54,229 just the shape of her head there, 1620 01:59:54,312 --> 01:59:57,899 covers pulled high, just the shape of her head there. 1621 01:59:57,982 --> 02:00:00,402 Not forgetting centuries of the living and the dead 1622 02:00:00,485 --> 02:00:01,986 and the dying, the pyramids, 1623 02:00:02,070 --> 02:00:04,739 Mozart dead, but his music still there in the room, 1624 02:00:04,823 --> 02:00:06,491 weeds growing, the Earth turning, 1625 02:00:06,574 --> 02:00:08,660 the tote board waiting for me. 1626 02:00:08,743 --> 02:00:10,412 I saw the shape of my wife's head, 1627 02:00:10,495 --> 02:00:11,871 she so still. 1628 02:00:11,955 --> 02:00:13,206 I ached for her life, 1629 02:00:13,289 --> 02:00:15,041 just being there under the covers. 1630 02:00:15,125 --> 02:00:16,668 I kissed her on the forehead, 1631 02:00:16,751 --> 02:00:18,211 got down the stairway, got outside, 1632 02:00:18,294 --> 02:00:20,922 got into my marvelous car, fixed the seat belt, 1633 02:00:21,005 --> 02:00:22,382 backed out the drive. 1634 02:00:22,465 --> 02:00:24,217 Feeling warm to the fingertips, 1635 02:00:24,300 --> 02:00:27,053 down to my foot on the gas pedal, 1636 02:00:27,137 --> 02:00:29,013 I entered the world once more, 1637 02:00:29,097 --> 02:00:31,099 drove down the hill past the houses 1638 02:00:31,182 --> 02:00:32,892 full and empty of people. 1639 02:00:32,976 --> 02:00:35,353 I saw the mailman, honked. 1640 02:00:35,437 --> 02:00:37,772 He waved back at me. 112292