Original subtitles

STEVE: It's board game night, baby.

Monopoly?

Uh, hell, yeah.

- Proceed directly to "Go." - Cards Against Humanity?

On your mark, get set. Laugh your ass off!

I've never seen this one before.

(STEVE READING)

Sounds wicked boring, bro.

Actually, it seems like this game could be low-key sick-ass.

You spend flash points to move the question flag

and get answer points.

Unspent flash points are called nullifiers.

Whoever reaches flashpoint parity wins.

- Any questions? - Um...

Great. So, Francine, I rolled the Conundrum die,

and it looks like you're entering a Probe Period.

- Oh, no! - No, it's a good thing.

Or a bad thing.

You have to announce how many nullifiers you have in your Quandary deck.

- Oh, okay. - And it's okay to lie.

- Oh, okay. - Mom decided to lie.

No, she didn't.

- Okay. Say the number. - Here it comes.

I have... three nullifiers.

You decided to tell the truth at the last second.

- No. - That's a lie.

I declare Reciprocity Challenge.

Mom has three nullifiers. It's embarrassingly obvious.

- This game is stupid. - That's a disjunction.

That's two flash points.

Mom, don't get mad because you're so easy to read.

- I'm not mad. - (BOTH LAUGH)

Okay. Sure, Mom. Look at her neck.

- So red. - I'm not mad!

I just remembered I'm... I'm getting an oil change tomorrow

and I haven't driven enough miles yet, so I got to go.

Sorry to run, but we've had a lot of laughs about me.

And I like that.

Mom, don't go. We were just having fun.

We don't want you to cry.

I'm not crying.

- (SOBBING) - Mom, we can hear you crying. Come back.

I'm not crying. I'm laughing!

(LAUGHING AND SOBBING)

JEFF: Mr. Klaus, I swallowed a question flag

and I need to go to the hospital.

(THEME SONG PLAYING)

(SINGING) Good morning, USA

I got a feeling That it's gonna be a wonderful day

The sun in the sky Has a smile on his face

And he's shining a salute To the American race

Oh, boy, it's swell to say

Good morning, USA

ROGER: Ah!

CHORUS: Good morning, USA

(FRANCINE SOBBING)

(SCREAMING)

- All right. That's enough of this. - (SCREAMS)

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

I thought you hid in Stan's car every night.

Why were you in mine?

Not proud of it, but I badly needed some cash for Funko Pops.

Decided to steal your catalytic converter.

Then I realized I don't know what a catalytic converter is,

or where it is, even.

Thought it'd be in the foot well, but it's dark down there

and I fell asleep.

What's bothering you, Franny?

It's the kids.

They act like my every thought is so obvious to them.

Like I'm just a big old obvious Mom.

And what gets me most upset is they're right.

So they can read you very easily. And this makes you unhappy?

What if they couldn't read you so easily?

- That might make you happy. - Probably not, but I want it.

Sounds like you need a poker face and a serendipitous stroke of luck.

Tonight, I'm being the Gambler.

- The Gambler? - Yes, the Gambler from the song.

Although I have a complicated relationship with that song, frankly.

Is it a good song? Yes.

Was Kenny Rogers able to get his version of the story out

before I could release my book detailing when to hold them and fold them?

Why is it good for me that you're the Gambler?

Because my game is poker, and I think if we were able to

sit down and play a little poker,

I could get a look at your tells, figure out what's tipping Steve

and Hayley off about your every thought.

- I'm not sure. - There's your first tell.

Your broken posture says to me, "I'm not sure."

I said it out loud.

The ultimate tell. The only hard part is finding a game.

Let's see. Buckle has a treehouse game, but it's a pretty rich crowd,

and also I struggle with the rope ladder.

There's a game of Five Card Stud in the sewers,

where the toilet water gets all over you

and you're guaranteed to get bit by rats.

But the downside is, I don't like stud.

There's also a nightly game of Hold'em

in the back of this grocery store right here.

So the sewer game, I guess?

No, wait. The grocery store. It's so close.

Most people don't know it,

but there's a lot of hot action in the back of supermarkets late at night.

- (ALL CHEERING) - ROGER: Nope.

Ba-ba-ba-bingo.

I mean, pa-pa-pa-poker.

Francine, meet the players.

Chinchilla Slim, an old lady who always wears

an enormous fur coat and a cowboy hat.

Tom, from the grocery store. This grocery store.

He's got a nice, slim build but it's not in his name.

Then, as usual, there's three performers

from whatever traveling Cirque du Soleil show is in town.

Their bodies are insane.

Am I talking about people's bodies too much?

Let's just play cards.

I'll watch for your tells and we'll talk if I notice anything big.

Your eyes twitch when you need a card,

you bite and spit your nails when you're bluffing.

And when you get a face card,

you actually say out loud, "Oh, Mr. Mooney."

I didn't know I was doing any of that.

It's bad, but don't despair.

You're with the Gambler himself.

Didn't you die in that song?

Kenny took a lot of license there.

I fell asleep very, very hard. I did not die.

Roger, help me.

Surface tells are easy to handle with props.

Wrist weights, fake lips, mechanical ears.

But for the subtle unconscious tells, we have to go deeper.

If you'll allow me, I'd like to guide you

through a helpful visualization technique.

All right, close your eyes.

I need you to picture yourself standing alone

in a field of golden wheat.

Barley, if you know your grains.

FRANCINE: Oh, wow, I can see it.

Now, I want you to back away from yourself.

Let yourself get farther and farther away.

Not so far that you're gone,

but until you can't see your face clearly.

FRANCINE: Okay, I'm far away.

How is this gonna help me hide my feelings?

ROGER: Open your eyes.

You won. They couldn't read you.

(GROANS) That was an incredible hand to play so stone-faced, little lady.

Looks like my no-good kids better watch out,

'cause Mom isn't so easy to read anymore.

(MEN CLAMORING)

That's right. Look over there, not over here.

Last night was amazing, Roger.

I really felt like I could hide my emotions.

STAN: Where the hell have you been?

I've been worried sick all the 10 minutes

since I woke up after sleeping nine hours straight.

Excuse me. I have to take this phone upstairs.

There's no call.

I'm sorry to worry you, honey, but after I got so upset last night...

Upset? But you repeatedly said you weren't upset

before you stormed off in what I assumed was elation.

And what is this?

- FRANCINE: I can explain. - I should hope so,

because if you think I'm going to let this slide... Is that a fur coat?

I won that from Chinchilla...

It's a man's coat, right?

No.

Anyway, last night, I think I learned something...

Some things aren't a husband's business. You were out. Who am I to ask where?

I'll make you some sausage and peppers.

You gotta be hungry.

Or maybe you're not. Maybe you ate. It's not for me to know.

Mom, are you just getting home?

Oh, it just drives you crazy to not know what I'm up to.

So you're up to something.

- Um... - Mom's up to something?

- Steve! - What's going on?

It's a Probe Period!

What I actually said was,

"Never count your money when you're sitting at the table,

"because you should get one of those money-counting machines.

"They're faster." Hello?

The bastard Kenny Rogers hung up on me.

Didn't he die years ago?

- Sounds right. - I thought I had a poker face now.

But it still feels like the kids can see right through me.

Well, yeah. I mean, you only did one night.

Getting a killer poker face will take more hands than that.

Then I gotta play more.

Is this really the right solution for your problem with the kids?

It's your solution that you recommended.

You passed my test.

- How was it a test? - It was just an intricate little test.

Let's go play poker.

Chimdale Stakes Casino.

This is where the constant action is.

It's very grim, but also very bright at the same time.

You gotta moisturize. The cigarette smoke will dry you out.

And eat your "P" fruits. Pears, peaches, plums.

Because all the sitting and the Red Bulls will stop you up.

Look at this room. There isn't a regular BMer in the lot.

Hemorrhoids, every which way.

Hey, it's Chinchilla Slim. Hi, Chinchilla Slim.

You took the only coat I had in this whole world.

Don't say hi to me.

I don't know anyone else yet. What's that over there?

ROGER: That area's for high rollers.

The buy-in is twice Buckle's treehouse.

A lot of players you're seeing here

will play the Chimdale Stakes No-Limit Tournament next month.

Well, maybe I'll play in that, too.

Are you crazy?

The buy-in on that tournament is so steep,

it's like Buckle's treehouse on crack.

Jack-high straight.

Flush. Hearts a-flutter.

No. No!

Rose, please, give me one more week!

The debt must be paid.

Mommy!

- What the hell was that? - Keep your voice down.

That's Frog Rose, Frog Ross's cruel sister.

She took over his chain of successful Foie Grastaurants.

Anyway, Frog Rose is a backer.

Someone who loans a player betting money.

But she charges such crazy interest,

you have to win right away or...

- (SNAPS FINGERS) - She snaps you?

She takes you away and you're never seen again.

I mean, maybe she does snap you somewhere behind closed doors.

I don't know. The point is, I don't work with backers and you shouldn't either.

Of course, all my decisions have left me completely broke and alone.

But as God is my witness, nothing can stop me from giving advice.

You touch your wedding ring when you have a hot hand,

especially two-pair, jacks with eyeballs.

- Rubber electrician's gloves will... - I'll just take it off. I don't care.

Yikes.

You're grinding your teeth when you have a dead hand.

We need to go further into the barley.

$380, $400.

$401.

And here's a little something extra

because you look so cute with your ass up in the air.

STAN: Ooh!

- Who's "oohing" in here? - And about what?

Your eyes wrinkle at the corners when you're hunting clubs.

Time for wraparound Oakleys.

(LAUGHING)

I'm on a bad run.

Somebody help me with my life. (GASPS)

You tuck your chin when you're trying to bait someone.

Every time I come to whisper in your ear is a huge tell.

I should stop but I can't.

Who is that woman?

That's the second table she's run this week.

No one knows anything about her or where she came from.

They started calling her the Pink Sphinx.

Pink Sphinx.

That's a stupid-sounding name.

You got that right, Frog Rose.

I think you're ready to take your poker face up to the big table.

So anything new with anyone?

The fur? I've always been a fur guy.

No, what's going on with Mom?

I bet we could guess.

You'd be wrong.

We've barely seen you since game night, when you were so upset.

- Nope. - What are you doing? Another game?

HAYLEY: Yeah, that's it.

But what game?

The glasses. Why?

HAYLEY: To hide the eyes?

STEVE: A mask?

HAYLEY: A poker face.

Run, Francine!

No, you're right. I am playing poker.

I hope you're sticking to small-time games.

Yeah, with a poker face like that, the real players will eat you alive.

Actually, I have a great poker face

and I play in big, big games.

I'm playing in the Chimdale Stakes No-Limit Tournament.

I need to be in that tournament.

Where will you get the money for the buy-in?

What about Frog Rose?

A total death sentence. Let's brainstorm other ways.

Do you know what a catalytic converter looks like and where it is on a car?

FROG ROSE: You did the right thing coming to me, sugar.

I'll stake your buy-in.

I think you'll find the terms very, very diabolical.

Although legally, they have to be called nefarious.

Those lousy lawyers. Where do I sign?

Francine!

Welcome to the big leagues, baby.

- Busted. - 'Sup?

Mom, we figured out what's going on.

You have a gambling problem.

- Nope. - Then quit right now.

- Nah. - Time for Plan B.

Enter the tournament and defeat you ourselves

to save you from this addiction.

How could you both afford the buy-in?

We just pawned our dad's huge fur coat collection.

MAN: Oh! That's smart.

We've got your number, Pink Sphinx.

See you at the final table.

It looks like we're actually at your table in the first round.

Damn, I'm out.

I don't really know how to play poker.

I don't really know why I thought I did.

All in.

Hmm... Are you bluffing?

Harder to read than normal, but I still sense something.

FRANCINE: I need to go deeper.

(EXHALING SOFTLY)

Wow. Maybe you can hide from me.

Still, my first instinct was call.

A pair of eights. Sweet 16.

Absolutely nothing.

The toilet flush.

The underaged boy wins the round.

BOTH: (SINGING) We saved our mom today We saved that Mom

Mom, where are you going?

Did we save you?

ROGER: (SINGING) On a humid, swampy evening

In a swamp boat bound for Swampville

The Pink Sphinx was a-taken

To where, she could not ask

Because she died inside her mind

To try to hide her tells

And what was once a poker face

Is now a death mask

Oh, it looks like winning just wasn't in the cards, my little moss blossom.

But don't worry.

You can spend eternity here in my big old wet casino

in the dead, dark heart of the swamp.

(CACKLES MENACINGLY)

ROGER: Well, the swamp witch had old Francine

And there was no one that could stop her

Then along came her penitent kids

And a handsome man named me

Hey, Mom. Keep running into you at casinos.

But it seems like we maybe didn't save you.

It seems like we maybe doomed you.

Because we didn't understand what was going on.

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the Gambler.

- Frog Rose. - You think you're such hot gumbo

because Kenny Rogers wrote a song about you.

Well, Fred Schneider of the B-52s

wrote Rock Lobster after he saw moi

get a nasty sunburn at Rehoboth Beach.

Excuse me, but we want to take our mom away from here.

Unfortunately, I own her marker,

and at the rate I'm paying her,

she won't be free to leave in this lifetime.

What if we play you for her in a game of poker?

What are you putting up for stake?

Us. We'll work here forever, too.

Ooh! That's what I was hoping you'd say.

I love that kind of shit.

Now, join me at my spookiest table.

So which one of you kids am I playing?

You'll be playing Mom.

She's the Pink Sphinx,

and you'll never get a read on her in a million years.

You want to pick her?

She's a drooler, boy. Un zombo de zwamp.

A fan boat with no gas, as it were.

Only because she thinks we don't believe in her.

Maybe. Is that it?

Why won't you talk?

And now, with her own children at stake,

she'll surely shake off whatever this is.

HAYLEY: Please, Mom.

If she doesn't play before the game timer is up, she forfeits.

What? Where did this hourglass come from?

Gator goons.

This game is in the bag,

and you're about to have two more cursed co-workers.

You're going to have badges and everything.

No breaks, though. (CACKLES)

I can't read anything.

She's not there.

(GRUNTS AND SCREAMS)

I got you.

You thought I was dead, and I (BLEEP) got you.

- She's back. - Mom's back!

You little rat punks.

You know me so well from reading my frickin' body,

you can tell I'm upset before I'm ready to talk about it.

- Wow, we didn't... - Shut up.

I'm ready to talk about it now.

I am upset.

I don't like game night.

I don't like this swamp.

I don't like poker.

I do like your father in fur.

I don't like you accusing me of being upset,

especially when I am!

And I don't like these cards.

Don't say that in front of you-know-who.

I can't win with this trash.

Two of diamonds, six of hearts. Trash.

You're not really telling me your cards, are you?

What is this?

- What's the play? - No play.

I have a bad hand.

All you have to do is stay in the game and you'll beat me.

(CHUCKLES) Cute. But I'm too smart for that old trick.

I fold.

Ugh! Of all the Foie Gras luck.

I tricked myself!

I guess this is mine.

STEVE: Time's up. You lose.

What? No!

We came all the way out to the mangrove table for this?

ROGER: Well, you better know your mother

When you're teasing her on game night

Know when to bother her

And you should count your money

With one of those fast and accurate Counting machines

Kenny Rogers is a liar

Sometimes a cliff's a bluff

That's the take. That's the one.