Original subtitles

[GUH GUH GUH]

[GUH GUH GUH]

[GUH GUH GUH]

[GUH GUH GUH]

Where the hell is that annoying sound coming from?

That.

I don't...

Well, what is that?

We don't know. It was just sitting here.

Who does it belong to?

I don't know. It's some sort of a toy.

Well, look, I really don't want it in the office, okay?

Especially if it's a toy.

Somebody get that thing out of here.

Okay. Okay, Dave.

Thanks for not ratting me out, kids.

What is that thing?

Well, it's a Goofy Ball, Joe. It's a toy for kids.

I bought a company that makes all sorts of crap like this.

It's really, really cute.

Can I hold it? Yeah.

Well, hello, Goofy Ball.

What's it saying?

Guh, guh, guh.

So, can you make it say other things?

It's a Goofy Ball, Matthew, not a supercomputer.

Makes me giggle.

Anyway, listen up, this is how it goes.

It makes this noise for a while, you know.

Kids throw it around.

Then after a certain amount of time, a voice alarm goes off.

And who's ever holding it loses.

Oh.

So it's like a hot potato.

Exactly, but much more expensive.

Matthew.

Yes, sir.

Do I look like the kind of guy

who would enjoy a good game of Goofy Ball?

No. No.

Anyway, I wanted you guys to check it out for me,

see how long it takes you to get bored with it.

Oh.

[GOOFY BALL ALARM SOUNDS] Aah!

Matthew, what the hell are you doing?

I mean, I thought I told you to get rid of that thing.

Yeah. Don't worry about it, though.

I'm gonna have a talk with her.

Hi.

I'm sorry I was late this morning.

That's okay.

Okay.

Hey, that looks good on you.

What?

My shirt.

This is one of yours?

Yeah. It's okay, I don't mind.

In fact, I kind of like seeing you in that.

Do you think anybody else noticed?

You know, I don't think people are scrutinizing us

quite as much as you seem to think.

You know, that's what the Rosenbergs said.

Now, you have other shirts in here, right?

Yeah. Uh...

Here you go.

Dave, this is identical to the one I have on.

No, it isn't.

This one is azure, and that one is lapis.

Could I have another shirt, please?

All right, uh... let's see, I've got...

indigo...

I've got sapphire...

I got sky, and...

standard blue.

Ever see Rainman, Dave?

I'm sorry. I have to go change.

Okay, but I think you're being silly.

I'm sorry.

Beth, Matthew.

[♪]

Dave.

Yes, Catherine.

Just two quick things.

Did you get my friend's resume?

Yes I did, but I haven't had a chance to look at it.

I'm sorry. What was the other thing?

Bill thinks someone's trying to kill him.

Okay, send him in.

Bill, Dave would like to see you.

So, Bill, I hear someone's trying to kill you.

I don't expect you to believe me...

until it's too late.

Where did Bill go? I thought he was just--

and who are you?

Very funny, Dave.

Okay, who's trying to kill you, Bill?

There's a guy in front of the building

every morning when I come in

and every night when I'm leaving.

Hold it. Is this the guy with the eye patch?

He wears it on a different eye every day. That's the guy.

He's not down there right now. Uh-huh.

When he knows I'm in the office,

he goes into the coffee shop across the street

and waits for me to get off.

He probably just wants an autograph.

Right, an autograph... in blood.

We're on in 30 seconds.

Bill, come on, you can use me as a human shield.

Wish I could laugh at that, Catherine.

I really do.

Dave! Come here, man, I gotta show you something.

Joe, not right now, I'm kind of busy.

No, no, you gotta come right now.

No, I'm really--

Trust me. It'll be worth it.

Ah!

GOOFY BALL: Goofy ball!

[SHRIEKS]

Beth, I'm getting pretty sick of hearing you shriek--

Sorry, Dave. That was me. Sorry.

Joe, if you're taking me downstairs

to show me the world's greatest parking spot again...

No, no, no, you don't have to go anywhere for this.

That's the beauty of it.

Are you guys going up?

My name is Joe.

Sorry, ladies. No, we were just pushing the button.

Didn't realize it was actually hooked up to anything.

Look at that.

What did we just see?

Models, man. Fashion models.

They're doing a catalog shoot

in the photography studio upstairs.

Come on, let's go up there.

No. No.

Come on, man, what are you scared of?

I'm not scared.

Hey, it's you guys again.

Are there any good places to eat around here?

We usually just order in.

Uh...

"We usually just order in."

Like "My name is Joe" is any better.

Dave, buddy, I'm doing this for you, man.

Don't do this. Come on, how long's it been?

Dude, you've been in New York for six months.

I haven't seen you go out on date one.

I've been on dates. Right.

With who? Quick. Too late. Nice bluff.

Case closed. Upstairs. Don't argue. Come on.

Look, Joe, I've got the whole dating thing well in hand.

But thank you anyway, all right?

We decided to eat in too.

Well, I highly recommend it.

What's your name?

Dave, actually.

ALL: Bye, Dave.

Bye.

BILL: The Dow dipped slightly,

finishing 20 points below yesterday's high

with winners outnumbering losers 2 to 1.

In Chicago,

commodity prices soared...

"Dave, actually."

Please... don't tell me you're jealous.

Oh, I am hardly a jealous person, Dave.

Uh, did you get the chance to see the changes

to the national update schedule?

Which one did you like the best--

the tall one with the big breasts

or the slightly taller one with the even bigger breasts?

Okay, look...

this might be hard for you to believe,

but this isn't a pleasant situation for me.

It's Joe's goal to, as he puts it, "Get me some."

Why don't you just tell Joe that you don't need...

Some?

Well, that would be a whole lot easier

if I could just tell him I had a girlfriend.

We've been through this.

I know, but there's...

it's getting ridiculous.

We spend half of our time

sneaking around here like, uh...

Like the Rosenbergs.

What's your obsession with the Rosenbergs?

I don't know. I was a poli-sci major.

My point is that this isn't the sort of behavior

one normally associates with a professional atmosphere

of a news station.

Get it off my head!

Look, you get the gist of what I'm saying.

Dave, what do you think people would say

if they found out I was sleeping with you?

Way to go, Dave?

No, they would not. They would say,

"Ooh, sleeping with the boss.

Very ambitious. Nice career move."

They'd be wrong.

I know that, and you know that,

but look what people think about Yoko Ono.

A lot of people happen to think her work on Double Fantasy

wasn't... completely disruptive.

Lisa!

Go. Go, go, go.

Bill, Goofy Ball.

Joe.

Check this out.

Whoa! You're Bill McNeal, aren't you?

Yes, I am. Thanks for listening. Bye, now.

I understand you're a man

who can procure certain materials.

Need a gun?

Of course not.

Why? Can you get me one?

Of course not. Why? You want one?

Bill.

Matthew, I'm in the middle of an important conversation.

I just want the Goofy Ball back.

The what?

That thing.

Goofy Ball!

[GOOFY BALL ALARM SOUNDS]

Oh, man, You're good.

Actually, I was thinking more along the lines

of an electric stun gun.

Legally speaking, those things--

Hey, hey, I don't need to know about it.

Ignorance of the law--

Blah blah blah. How much will it cost me?

3 big boys.

Okay, assuming a big boy is $100,

I'd like to proceed with this transaction.

Goofy Ball!

[GOOFY BALL ALARM SOUNDS]

Man, he is good.

Go on.

Excuse me. Is that guy Dave around?

Dave? Um...

Uh, no, you know, Dave is not here right now,

but if you'd like,

you could, um, just, um, leave.

Wait. There he is.

Hi, Dave! Hi, Dave!

Hi.

I was just, uh... I was just, uh...

Urinating?

Washing my hands, actually.

[GIGGLING]

Well, thank you.

Oh, thanks, Joe.

No, problem. I think he really likes you.

You really think so?

Yeah, maybe we can go on a double date, you know?

You and Dave and me and your friend Emily.

I'm starting to feel a connection with her.

Emily's married.

What about the other one?

No?

Well done, chief.

Well done what, Joe?

That girl Sheila, man. She loves you.

She wants to go out with you tonight, huh.

Who's your buddy? Who's your pal?

I guess you are, Joe,

but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to say no.

Come on, man, she's really into you.

She says she thinks you're sexy.

That's obviously not true,

so she must really like you.

Thanks, Joe, but still I don't think it's a very good idea.

What's the deal, man? Fear?

No.

Impotence?

No.

Gay?

No.

You do realize by "gay"

I mean a man who has sex with other men.

Give it a chance, Dave.

It's not like you're going to do any better.

Okay, if you guys are done with your "matchmaking,"

I've got three stories

that I need to be approved by you, Dave.

I've got three things to-- I'll get you!

Just give me one good reason

why you won't just go to dinner.

You're a dead man!

What if I was to say that I'm already seeing someone,

and I just don't want to talk about it?

Are you? No.

Of course not.

You're going out with her. Who's with me?

Why not? Guys?

Yeah. Go for it.

Lisa.

Oh, yeah. Sure, Dave, go get them.

Fine, maybe I'll give her a call sometime.

I'll take care of it. 8:00? Uptown? Excellent.

[JOE DIALING]

Hello. Is Sheila there? Hey, it's Joe from downstairs.

Here you go, dude.

Stun gun 2000.

I thought you were going to buy me a stun gun.

Naw, I made it myself, I saved you a few bucks.

Looks like a garage door opener.

That's what it used to be, an old garage door opener,

some diodes and resistors from a busted mixing board,

one reconditioned doorbell button,

and one big-ass battery.

Are there instructions?

Yeah, don't push that button

unless you want to incapacitate someone

for a good half-hour.

Incapacitate?

It sends, 3-400 volts through their system

at 4 amps.

Instant temporary paralysis.

I call it "the stalker shocker."

Yes. I can see you've written it here in Magic Marker.

So how do I know it works?

You can test it.

Good idea. Matthew!

No, no, no, I'm kidding. Trust me, it works.

Joe, this doesn't look like a stun gun.

Yeah, well, this doesn't look like a megaphone either,

but check this out.

[AMPLIFIED] Red Sox suck.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Either of you ladies ever seen a stun gun before?

That's very impressive, Bill.

No, I'm actually asking.

Do they usually look like this?

I don't think that's something you want to be fiddling with.

I'm not fiddling with it.

Hi.

Hi.

I thought you might want to check this update

on that bridge repair story.

Hope you're happy with this little charade.

Thanks to you, I now have a dinner date

with Miss Australia 1993.

[MOCK CRYING] Whoo, whoo, whoo.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I didn't think it would go that far.

I didn't mean to put you in an uncomfortable position.

Anything for you, honey.

What excuse are you going to give her?

What?

Well, when you, um... cancel.

I'm not going to.

That would be rude and insensitive.

What?

Houston, we have a problem.

You know what? Okay, I see.

You want to tell everyone about us?

Let's get it over with.

No.

I mean, I want to, obviously, yes,

but not because you're jealous of me

and some tall, leggy blond.

Dye job. Check the roots.

I am not jealous. Oh?

No, I am not.

You, however, are trying to make me jealous.

I'm not in the mood for silly games.

Fine. Great. Okay, see you later.

I'm sorry, Dave. Did you two want to be alone?

For the last time, stop fiddling with that.

You're going to hurt yourself.

I think Joe ripped me off.

Should I inform your stalker

that you're now armed with a $300 garage door opener?

Catherine, do not speak to that man.

Please, for my sake. Do you understand?

Whatever, Bill. Good night.

Seems like it should be heavier.

[CLICK]

BILL: Aah!

What was that?

It sounded like somebody screaming.

That Goofy Ball's completely disruptive.

Are you actually going to go out on this stupid date?

I really don't have much of a choice at this point, do I?

Dave, I want to tell people about us, I really do.

Okay. When?

When the time's right.

Just in case my date is curious,

how will we know when the time's right?

Because we'll know.

How?

Because...

it will feel right.

I'm sure that's what Julius Rosenberg thought.

What is that supposed to mean?

I have no idea, but I wasn't the poli-sci major.

Hi, kids. How goes it?

Good, sir.

Glad to hear it.

What's new in the world o' news?

Not much, sir. Kind of a slow news day today.

As a matter of fact, I'm just heading out.

Dave and I are having an affair.

I thought we said we were going to wait till the time was right.

I guess it just became right.

Was that really your decision to make?

You make the next decision.

Yo, yo.

Let's step in the old way-back machine,

travel back in time about 30 seconds.

Hi, kids. How goes it?

Good.

So, you two having an affair?

Apparently so, sir.

I don't quite know what to say.

Well, we--

Hang on. It's coming.

I think that's just great.

Wait a minute.

Am I the last one to know about this?

We haven't told anyone else yet, but we will.

Before you do that,

tell me, which one of you am I going to have to fire?

Pardon?

Fire, dismiss.

You're sleeping with the boss now.

What do you think the staff will feel about that?

You know what people think about Yoko Ono.

Yes, I do, sir.

What about you, Dave?

You know what people think about Paul McCartney.

You mean John Lennon.

No. People liked him.

Back in the service, we used to have a saying--

you can't expect the troops to salute you

if you're sleeping with the sergeant.

What branch of the service were you in, sir?

All right, Mr. James,

what if we just decided to keep this a secret?

Let's jump back in the way-back machine

one more time.

Hi, kids. How goes it?

So, you two having an affair?

No. Good!

You two scoot. I have to make some phone calls.

I love that free long-distance.

You own the company, so, technically, it isn't free.

Don't mess with the man with a way-back machine.

I could make it so you were never born.

We'll be outside.

Good day, sunshines.

Good night, Bill.

Good night, Bill.

Bill, seriously, be careful with that stun gun.

Don't fiddle with it.

[MOANING]

Ahem.

So, Dave, who you going to send up to New Hampshire

for the primaries?

Oh, I've assigned that to...

Lisa.

Uh-huh.

Because she really is the best--

Uh-uh-uh.

It's really not--

Please, please.

Hey, Dave.

Oh, my.

Are you ready to go?

I've been meaning to call you.

Lisa and I...

What are you girls, models?

So, Mr. McNeal.

You're a hard man to get a hold of.

Looks like it's just you and me now.

[GROANS]

So that's when I discovered

if I wore the eye patch on this eye,

it would make this eye stronger and vice versa.

But I digress. What were we talking about?

[GROANS]

That's right. That's right.

The note in Vince Foster's briefcase.

Intentional misdirect, covert ops written all over it,

courtesy of the B.C.C.I., thank you.

[GROANS]

11:30. Can you believe I've been here

for over three hours?

I almost forgot why I came here in the first place.

I work at the coffee shop across the street.

We were wondering if we could get a picture of you

for above the counter.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

Listen and you remember what the whole key to that story was,

don't you?

[GRUNTING A REPLY]

"Hillary's mutual fund." You got it, babe.

Thanks for the glossy. Stop in anytime.

A cup of joe on me.

Wait, wait, wait.

Bill, you want to play?

Come on, it's more fun with three people.

[GROANING]

Yeah, that's the spirit, Bill.

Think fast!

Do over!

[♪]