Original subtitles

That covers everything,

unless anyone else has anything they'd like to say.

Yes, I do.

Today would've been Mahatma Gandhi's birthday.

And I think in honor of the occasion,

we should observe a moment of silence.

Mahatma who?

Mahatma Gandhi.

A great man.

Bill, shut up.

This is supposed to be a moment of silence.

Sorry.

Okay, well, thank you, everybody.

Maybe we'll try this again next year.

You know, I bet if we lived in India,

we'd get a three-day weekend or something.

It might be appropriate at this time

to also have a moment of silence

for Mr. Ben Kingsley,

who, as we all know, played Mahatma Gandhi

in the film of the same name.

Ben Kingsley's not dead.

No, but he's a hell of an actor, isn't he?

I have an announcement to make.

It's not exactly radio-related,

but it concerns the office staff.

Specifically, theft from the refrigerator in the kitchenette.

Thank you, Joe.

Now, I don't mean to lecture everybody,

but I've had some complaints--

About people stealing other people's

special brand of chocolate gelato,

which can only be purchased at Carducci's on Prince Street.

Now, I know you may not think of it as theft, but it is.

Especially when you've been doing it every day

for the past two weeks, whoever you are.

Exactly.

So please stop it.

Because you will get caught.

Hey, Joe, do you have anything you'd like to add?

No.

All right, then I think that's everything. Thanks a lot, everybody.

Thanks, Dave.

That's okay, Joe.

I guess now all we can do is wait.

Or, you know what I could do,

I could rig a tiny mercury switch

with a low-grade incendiary device

that will explode a blast of gelato on the perpetrator

when they open up this container.

That container?

You know, a container like this.

Not this one.

Joe, I'd like to open your gelato.

Why do you want to open that?

I just would. It's a thing.

Go ahead. It's all right.

Thank you, Joe. Um...

Okay. Okay. Sorry, Joe. I just-- I just had to check.

No problem.

Oh, my God, how'd you know it wouldn't blow up in his face?

I built in a time delay.

15 seconds. What?

14 Seconds, 13...

Grab the garbage can, dude, come on.

Oh, my God, this is so cool.

12, 11, 10...

I got this garbage--

10, 9, 8...

What the hell?

Sorry. According to my calculations,

it shouldn't have gone off...till now.

Well, it didn't, Joe.

[♪]

Hello, Milos.

Pudding go boom.

Yes, of course.

Greetings, wage apes.

Mr. James, I thought you were taking a vacation this week.

I'm on it.

Really? Where are you going to go?

Why travel when you got the resources of the world's greatest city

right here, right?

Right.

Yeah.

I'm going to go use the can.

Okay.

Dave...

what do you do when you're in a relationship

and the sexual heat starts to fade?

Gosh, I don't know.

Ask my boss about it?

I'm having problems with Keith.

Keith? Who's Keith?

Keith, duh, my boyfriend for the past three years, Dave.

What kind of name is "Keith Duh"?

Hardy-har-har-har.

How come I've never seen this guy?

He's in England right now.

Oh. How long has he been away?

Two and a half years.

So this could be called a long-distance relationship?

Geographically speaking, yes,

but as we know, Dave,

the most important sexual organ...

is right here.

The hair?

The brain.

Yeah.

You're with me now?

I need some advice.

Do you have anything at all?

Yeah, well, seems clear as day to me.

Great. I'm all ears.

Go ask Lisa.

Dave, Dave, want to see a movie about a talking pig?

No thanks, sir.

Oh.

Talking pig! Can you imagine that?

I don't know. I guess if the sexual thrill is fading,

the most important thing is communication,

so you should just talk to Keith and be honest with him.

Yeah...

Did you ever take naked pictures of yourself

for a boyfriend?

Beth, you don't really want to do that.

I already did it, my friend.

No, you didn't.

Oh, yes, I did. Last night.

Pictures of me totally nude.

No, you didn't. Oh, yes, I did.

No, you didn't. Yes, I did.

[BEEPING]

Why?

Oh, come on.

Don't tell me that you and Dave

have never taken naked pictures of each other?

No, we haven't.

That's really sad.

Well, Dave and I like to do this other kinky thing

where we both live on the same continent.

What?

It's just sad that you missed that whole phase

of sexual phenomena.

It's no big deal. It's just sad.

Well, it's not that sad. It's fine.

Have you ever taken naked pictures of yourself?

Mom, I'm going to have to call you back.

Okay, honey. Bye-bye.

I'm sorry. You were saying?

Have you ever had a girl

send you naked pictures of herself?

Sure.

Who?

Elizabeth.

No, no, you know Elizabeth. I've told you about her.

You know, she was-- she was the Dukakis supporter...

Oh, right.

She learned how to play the bass so she could start a band.

Yeah.

Do you think that that was

a more sexually adventurous relationship than we have?

God, no. No.

Lisa, come on.

Come on, we've had sex in this office so many times,

I'm thinking of having a mirror put on the ceiling.

Yeah...

But-- I mean, isn't that just sort of the same thing

over and over and over again?

I mean, maybe we should try something new.

Okay. I know.

Uh...

I'm going to go photocopy my ass,

and I'll fax it to your laptop,

then maybe we can get on with our lives, what do you say?

You don't have to be sarcastic, Dave.

I know. I just find it helps when you're being insane.

Did you fax your ass to Elizabeth?

No.

We didn't have the technology then.

Look. I'm sorry.

Look, I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what.

How's about this?

I'll come to your place tonight...

completely naked, of course,

except I'll be wearing one of them crazy African masks.

Does that do it for you, huh, superfreak?

Does that get your mojo rising?

Come on, I'm just joking.

You ever see a talking pig?

Mr. James, I don't think the pigs actually talk.

They do it with computers.

Oh. A computerized talking pig.

What the hell are they going to think of next?

Don't know.

Okay. Got the pictures. You wanna see them?

All right, now you look at them first.

If they're too embarrassing, I don't even want to see them.

Well?

Well...

Are they erotic?

Well, that would depend

if you find an 80-year-old man named Harvey erotic.

See?

"Happy 80th, Harvey."

These aren't my pictures,

which means that my pictures

are still down at the photo place.

I don't understand.

If you're going to take naked pictures of yourself,

why didn't you just use a Polaroid?

You know what? I'm really not in the mood

to get into, like, an artistic discussion with you right now. Thanks.

Okay, come on, we've got to get to the photo store. Come on.

Did Dave ever mention

a girl named Elizabeth to you?

You mean the bass-playing Dukakis chick

who gave him nude photos?

Yes. Never heard of her.

Yo, ladies! Where we off to?

Tampons.

Hey, Matthew, where you off to?

Uh, bathroom?

How can I help you?

Hi. I was in here earlier,

and someone gave me the wrong film.

I was just wondering

if you could give these back to the 80-year-old birthday guy?

Harvey. Yeah. Harvey, I guess, is his name.

I'll take my film and go. Thanks.

Just a sec.

Okay. That's great.

I think you're safe.

You don't think he was looking at me funny?

No. Not at all.

I just want to get out of here.

What is taking so long?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God. Excuse me.

Is there a problem?

What can I do? Anything?

Could my friend just have her film, please?

That's not me. That's my twin sister.

I have a twin sister.

She has red hair and I have red hair.

You know how they always say

one twin is bad and one twin is good?

Thanks, bye. Thanks.

Any time.

I'll be back in 22 minutes.

E-7.

You sunk my battleship.

Excellent!

Hey, girls, did you get your...

Never mind.

You Leroy?

Who's asking?

Cut the crap, Leroy. You were supposed to meet me downstairs.

Now, come on, we got 36 floors to deliver to.

Deliver what?

Deliver water, dufus. Let's move.

Let's see your hands.

What are you doing?

I covered the gelato container with an ultraviolet dye

that you can only see under black light.

Are you calling me a thief?

No. Just saying, for all I know,

you could be the guy who's been stealing my stuff.

For all I know,

you could be stealing your own gelato

in some sort of desperate cry for help.

Ooh, Bill!

Your shirt's psychedelic.

Busted.

No, Joe. Joe, I swear I did not eat your gelato.

I had to move it to get to my frozen yogurt.

You rub the container all over your face?

It felt so cool and tingly.

Am I free to leave now,

or are you going to you need me for a lineup?

Look at this. This is kind of cool.

Look at this. Bill, look.

Mummenschanz.

That's not funny. Yes, it is.

It's not funny.

Lisa, Lisa, check it out.

Mummenschanz.

Hoo! Hah!

Oh. Okay. Never mind.

Okay, Lisa, look, I've got Keith on hold, right?

Okay, I'm going to pick up the phone--

give me, like, three seconds, and then go, "Beth, I need you."

Okay.

Hi, Keith.

Beth, I need you!

Just a second!

No, I did, I took the pictures,

but last night, I burned them.

I just didn't really feel like you wanted me to send the pictures.

Okay, I will. I'll take some more.

Beth, I need you!

Just a second!

Okay, bye.

You still really, really, really want to do this?

No.

I don't understand then. Why are you doing it?

Because Keith sent me his.

Beth, please.

Can you not shove those--

Wait a minute.

Hey, come on. I'm sorry.

I guess I am a little bit uncomfortable...

talking about sex.

Were you a little bit uncomfortable talking about sex

with Elizabeth?

All I ever remember talking about with Elizabeth

was Dukakis, and how hard it was playing the bass.

It's all right, Dave. Let's just forget it. It's no big deal.

Let me try. I really want to try, okay?

Why don't we go out for dinner tonight, some place really nice,

just us, and we'll just talk it out?

Okay. Where?

This all-naked sushi place on 47th street.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm just kidding. I'm just kidding.

Let's have dinner.

Polaroids. Just like you said.

Aren't you afraid somebody's going to see these?

I've already thought of that,

and I've taken certain measures

to make sure that no one knows it's me. Take a look.

What? I know I have to get back on the Stairmaster.

No. No. Your body's fine.

It's just the, um...

the paper bag over your head

that's making me giggle. I'm sorry.

Lisa, you are so immature.

[GASPS]

Why?

I thought the brown paper bag looked too creepy,

so I drew a little smiley face on it.

Oh, these aren't sexy.

I can't send these.

Keith is going to break up with me.

No, he won't.

No, I'm sure that Keith will--

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

Bill, could I ask your opinion about something?

Just a sec.

What are you doing?

He won't know it's me. I have a brown paper bag with a smiley face on it.

Bill, what do you think of this photo?

Who is that?

Friend of mine who's doing a thesis at NYU.

It's a fine arts program.

Uh-huh. Well, it's an interesting commentary

on the objectification of the female form,

and the masks that women are forced to wear

in our society.

If I were the NEA, I'd give her 5, 6 grand.

Well, Bill, you think it's sexy?

Well, I don't really think

that's germane to a discussion of the statement

the artist is trying to make.

Thank you, Bill.

Beth's showing nudie photos

of herself with a paper bag over her head.

Check it out.

All right, I found out who's stealing my gelato,

and I have a photo of the guilty party caught in the act.

In flagrante gelato, so to speak?

How did you get it?

I concealed a motion-sensitive camera

inside this brick of cheese on the freezer.

Okay, Joe, who is it?

Boom.

Milos?

That's that janitor guy.

He has a name, Bill.

Right. Milos the janitor guy.

I'd like to be there when you fire him, Dave.

Look... I'm not going to fire him, Joe.

The man's a criminal.

The man is not a criminal, Joseph.

He's just-- he's less fortunate than all of us.

Haven't you ever read Les Miserables?

Look, Joe, obviously, the guy likes gelato,

but can't afford to buy it himself.

Joe, start bringing in two gelatos.

Let Milos take his and eat the other one yourself.

I'm not buying gelato for a thief.

Okay. Fine. I'll buy it, okay?

Here's a hundred bucks.

I buy, you fly.

Oh, this is so bogus!

I don't believe this.

This is so cool. You guys, say "fromage"!

I am so good.

Thanks, Beth.

Oh, Beth, I wanted to ask you something.

Oh, what was it?

Oh, I remember.

Did you ever send off those naked pictures?

What? Who told you about those?

Nobody told me.

I had some film developed,

and they threw in some nudie pictures of you for free.

I'm kidding, Beth. Lisa told me.

Well, you know, I faxed the nudie pictures to Keith,

and he invited me to come visit him next week.

That's great.

Yeah, so could I have a week off and a $2,000 salary advance?

No.

I'll show you the naked pictures.

Okay. We'll talk.

[BUZZING LIPS]

Hey, there, sir. Vacation over?

Yeah.

Get all that water delivered?

I got... [MUMBLES]

Pardon?

I got fired.

Really? Why?

Well... [MUMBLES]

Pardon?

Fell asleep in the back of the water truck.

Well, that's what vacations are for.

Yeah, well, vacations suck anyway.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Good night, sir.

Hey, sweetie.

Ready to go?

Yeah.

Are you hungry?

Yeah.

Now, did Elizabeth just send you the photos on her own,

or did you ask her for them?

I'm just trying to--

She asked me to tell her my deepest, darkest fantasy,

and I didn't want to,

so I made up something about photos.

Tell me.

Oh, come on.

Oh, please.

Tell me your deepest, darkest fantasy.

Maybe it's something we can do.

It's embarrassing. No. Oh, Dave, come on.

Please.

Okay, um...

Every since I was 14,

I've always fantasized about making love on the space shuttle.

Well, that's...

that's adorable, Dave.

With a space prostitute.

All right. You're joking again.

I wish I were.

Well, do you think you could give me a fantasy

that's a little bit more reasonable?

Okay. Let me try this. Come here.

I'd like to go up onto the roof of my building,

bring up a blanket and a very good bottle of wine,

and make love with a space prostitute.

Dave!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry.

All right, Dave, the last thing I want to do is get involved in this,

but why don't you just tell her what turns you on?

That would ruin it. Why? Why is that?

Well, what really turns me on is when Lisa's mad at me.

I wish I didn't know that. You going to her place right now?

LISA: Dave, are you coming or not?

Oh, yeah.

How's everything, Milos?

All is good.

You got something for me?

Yeah.

Mr. Bill, why is it you don't buy ice cream yourself?

I'm not going to drive 60 blocks out of my way just for ice cream.

It's the principle of the thing.

I understand.

Thank you, Mr. Bill.

Not a problem.

Oh, by the way, Milos, starting tomorrow,

there will be an extra gelato.

Enjoy it with my compliments.

[♪]