subtitlecat.com

All language subtitles for Stewie Griffin - The Untold Story_eng

Afrikaans

Akan

Albanian

Amharic

Arabic Download

Armenian

Azerbaijani

Basque

Belarusian

Bemba

Bengali

Bihari

Bosnian

Breton

Bulgarian

Cambodian

Catalan

Cebuano

Cherokee

Chichewa

Chinese (Simplified)

Chinese (Traditional)

Corsican

Croatian

Czech

Danish

Dutch

English Download

Esperanto

Estonian

Ewe

Faroese

Filipino

Finnish

French

Frisian

Galician

Georgian

German

Greek

Guarani

Gujarati

Haitian Creole

Hausa

Hawaiian

Hebrew

Hindi

Hmong

Hungarian Download

Icelandic

Igbo

Indonesian

Interlingua

Irish

Italian

Japanese

Javanese

Kannada

Kazakh

Kinyarwanda

Kirundi

Kongo

Korean

Krio (Sierra Leone)

Kurdish

Kurdish (Soranî)

Kyrgyz

Laothian

Latin

Latvian

Lingala

Lithuanian

Lozi

Luganda

Luo

Luxembourgish

Macedonian

Malagasy

Malay

Malayalam

Maltese

Maori

Marathi

Mauritian Creole

Moldavian

Mongolian

Myanmar (Burmese)

Montenegrin

Nepali

Nigerian Pidgin

Northern Sotho

Norwegian

Norwegian (Nynorsk)

Occitan

Oriya

Oromo

Pashto

Persian

Polish

Portuguese (Brazil)

Portuguese (Portugal)

Punjabi

Quechua

Romanian

Romansh

Runyakitara

Russian

Samoan

Scots Gaelic

Serbian

Serbo-Croatian

Sesotho

Setswana

Seychellois Creole

Shona

Sindhi

Sinhalese

Slovak

Slovenian

Somali

Spanish

Spanish (Latin American)

Sundanese

Swahili

Swedish Download

Tajik

Tamil

Tatar

Telugu

Thai

Tigrinya

Tonga

Tshiluba

Tumbuka

Turkish

Turkmen

Twi

Uighur

Ukrainian

Urdu

Uzbek

Vietnamese

Welsh

Wolof

Xhosa

Yiddish

Yoruba

Zulu

Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,260 --> 00:00:05,220 Live from Quahog, Rhode Island, this is Channel Five Action News... 2 00:00:05,331 --> 00:00:08,061 ...with Tom Tucker, Diane Simmons... 3 00:00:08,167 --> 00:00:12,968 ...and Blaccu-weather meteorologist, Ollie Williams. 4 00:00:13,072 --> 00:00:16,007 - Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. - And I'm Diane Simmons. 5 00:00:16,109 --> 00:00:18,134 Could we talk about something besides yourself, Diane? 6 00:00:18,244 --> 00:00:21,236 - Excuse me? - Great. Tonight, in the news, two local men arrested... 7 00:00:21,348 --> 00:00:23,316 ...as part of an illegal steroid ring. 8 00:00:23,417 --> 00:00:25,977 These charges are false. Our muscles are the result... 9 00:00:26,086 --> 00:00:29,453 ...of hundreds of squat-thrusts and somersaults down on the hard ground. 10 00:00:29,556 --> 00:00:34,050 Stop pushing! Save your roughneck tactics for Sacco and Vanzetti. 11 00:00:39,266 --> 00:00:41,598 Hup! Hup-ho! Hup! 12 00:00:41,702 --> 00:00:44,068 Meanwhile, authorities acting on a tip... 13 00:00:44,171 --> 00:00:46,935 ...searched the marshlands near the Fox Point hurricane barrier... 14 00:00:47,041 --> 00:00:49,236 ...for what they believed to be the remains... 15 00:00:49,343 --> 00:00:51,311 ...of reputed mobster "Big Fat" Pauly. 16 00:00:51,412 --> 00:00:54,575 The authorities were disappointed to find not the remains of"Big Fat" Pauly... 17 00:00:54,682 --> 00:00:58,083 ...but, instead, The Remains of the Day, a boring Merchant-Ivory film... 18 00:00:58,185 --> 00:01:01,848 - Starring Sir Anthony Hopkins. - Hmm. Funny how they could've confused that. 19 00:01:01,955 --> 00:01:05,551 Coming up, why your next trip to the salad bar could be your last. 20 00:01:05,660 --> 00:01:08,356 But first, we go live to the Quahog Performing Arts Center... 21 00:01:08,463 --> 00:01:11,694 ...where Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa is down at the red carpet. 22 00:01:13,802 --> 00:01:17,898 Tom, tonight the stars are out... 23 00:01:18,006 --> 00:01:21,464 ...for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD feature... 24 00:01:21,576 --> 00:01:25,512 ...that will soon be in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash. 25 00:01:25,613 --> 00:01:28,309 Here comes Mayor Adam West, himself. 26 00:01:28,416 --> 00:01:31,874 Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers? 27 00:01:31,986 --> 00:01:36,616 Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup- No, I take that one back. 28 00:01:36,725 --> 00:01:39,853 - I'm gonna hold on to that one. - Thank you, Mayor West. 29 00:01:39,961 --> 00:01:45,160 Oh, and if I'm not mistaken, it's local folk legend and ward of the state... 30 00:01:45,266 --> 00:01:48,395 Quahog's own Greased-up Deaf Guy. 31 00:01:48,504 --> 00:01:52,406 Don't judge me! I'm just doin' my thing! See you in the theater. 32 00:01:52,508 --> 00:01:54,908 - Evil, over here! - Hey, Evil Monkey! 33 00:01:59,415 --> 00:02:03,112 And here come two popular Family Guy guest stars... 34 00:02:03,219 --> 00:02:05,551 Drew Barrymore and her date. 35 00:02:05,654 --> 00:02:08,088 Hey, Kool-Aid! 36 00:02:08,190 --> 00:02:10,158 - Oh, yeah! - Things going well with Drew? 37 00:02:10,259 --> 00:02:12,386 Oh, yeah! 38 00:02:12,495 --> 00:02:16,261 We have so much fun and he keeps my tongue really red. 39 00:02:16,365 --> 00:02:18,390 See? 40 00:02:20,669 --> 00:02:24,867 Hey, thank y'all for coming out. Don't forget to check out my clothing line, C.C. Brown... 41 00:02:24,974 --> 00:02:27,534 ...available at many retail outlets. 42 00:02:27,643 --> 00:02:29,839 Got y'all in here. 43 00:02:29,946 --> 00:02:34,679 And here are the stars of tonight's film, the Griffin Family. 44 00:02:34,785 --> 00:02:36,980 Whoa! What's this, a party? 45 00:02:37,087 --> 00:02:39,055 How'd you all get in my room? 46 00:02:39,156 --> 00:02:41,784 Hi, I'm Brian. 47 00:02:41,892 --> 00:02:44,520 Um, I rode backwards in the limo, so... 48 00:02:44,628 --> 00:02:47,222 ...uh, actually, my underpants were going the right way. 49 00:02:49,399 --> 00:02:52,095 - Stewie! Stewie! Good to have you back! - Good to be back. 50 00:02:52,202 --> 00:02:55,069 Especially since my brief foray into politics didn't work out. 51 00:03:02,846 --> 00:03:06,942 Ladies and Gentlemen, we got him! 52 00:03:09,953 --> 00:03:12,286 Stewie, I'm from TVGuide. How does it feel... 53 00:03:12,390 --> 00:03:14,415 ...to be the youngest working actor in Hollywood? 54 00:03:14,525 --> 00:03:18,086 Well, it feels about like seven figures a year, which feels pretty good. 55 00:03:18,196 --> 00:03:20,187 Stewie! Stewie! Hi, I'm from the L.A. Times. 56 00:03:20,298 --> 00:03:22,562 Can you tell us, are you working on any new projects? 57 00:03:22,667 --> 00:03:24,692 Well, yes. I just did an episode of According toJim. 58 00:03:24,802 --> 00:03:26,702 I'm the comic relief. 59 00:03:26,804 --> 00:03:30,399 Stewie, do you know if Fox has any plans to bring back Futurama? 60 00:03:30,508 --> 00:03:32,908 - What magazine are you from? - Entertainment Weekly. 61 00:03:35,146 --> 00:03:38,946 � La, la, la, la Family Guy � 62 00:03:39,050 --> 00:03:41,382 H- H-Hey, everybody! 63 00:03:41,486 --> 00:03:44,512 - I am sorry. I am so sorry. There was booze in the car. 64 00:03:44,622 --> 00:03:46,590 I'm sorry. 65 00:03:46,691 --> 00:03:48,818 Oh, God, Lois! For Christ's sake, take it easy, will ya? 66 00:03:48,926 --> 00:03:52,727 - When I heard-When I heard... - God. 67 00:03:52,831 --> 00:03:55,356 That we was gonna be in a movie, I was like, "Fuck, yeah!" 68 00:03:55,467 --> 00:03:58,061 All right. You know what? Let's just try and walk straight here. 69 00:03:58,170 --> 00:04:00,138 Just- 70 00:04:00,239 --> 00:04:02,139 Lois, get up. Oh, God. Lois, get up. 71 00:04:02,241 --> 00:04:04,607 - Get on! - I'm not gonna get on. 72 00:04:04,710 --> 00:04:06,701 I am not gon- Lois. Lois. You get up. 73 00:04:06,812 --> 00:04:09,042 - Peter. - What? 74 00:04:09,147 --> 00:04:11,274 - Get on. - Son of a bitch. 75 00:04:11,383 --> 00:04:14,011 I- I am really sorry, everybody. 76 00:04:14,119 --> 00:04:16,087 Oh, G- Oh! All right. You know what? 77 00:04:16,188 --> 00:04:19,919 - Let's get inside. Come on. - Ow! 78 00:04:20,025 --> 00:04:23,586 So, Meg, how does it feel to be the center of attention? 79 00:04:23,695 --> 00:04:26,630 Oh, my God. You talkin' to me? 80 00:04:26,732 --> 00:04:29,929 Are you talkin' to me? Okay. Okay. 81 00:04:30,035 --> 00:04:34,735 - Well, I thought a lot about it, and I- - And here comes David Bowie. 82 00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:38,072 - David, what brings you all the way to- - Shh! 83 00:04:38,177 --> 00:04:40,543 Just you shut your mouth. 84 00:04:40,647 --> 00:04:43,343 Oh, me love to meet Ziggy Stardust! 85 00:04:43,449 --> 00:04:46,646 I take you home. I make you fish bowel soup. Fish bowel! 86 00:04:46,753 --> 00:04:50,655 Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years. 87 00:04:50,757 --> 00:04:53,692 And now we'll cut inside the theater to our hidden cameraman... 88 00:04:53,793 --> 00:04:56,318 ...who'll be providing us with a bootleg copy of the movie. 89 00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:13,208 Vince Vaughn, Susan Sarandon... 90 00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:15,873 ...in Two People Who Look Like They Never Sleep. 91 00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,042 Hey, Mary, how'd you sleep last night? 92 00:05:18,152 --> 00:05:20,848 Ugh, I had plenty of sleep. Stop asking me that. 93 00:05:20,955 --> 00:05:22,923 - Well, you look tired. - Well, so do you. 94 00:05:23,023 --> 00:05:24,513 - Fine. - Yeah. 95 00:05:33,267 --> 00:05:36,327 I'm a little bunny and I'm separated from my family. 96 00:05:36,437 --> 00:05:39,770 Oh, no. I have a long journey to go on. 97 00:05:39,873 --> 00:05:41,898 I wish I didn't have to go it alone. 98 00:05:42,009 --> 00:05:44,637 Hey, Mr. Bear, I need your help. 99 00:05:44,745 --> 00:05:48,647 But I'm a loner bear who don't like to be bothered by other folks. 100 00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:51,980 A story of friendship, with music by Randy Newman. 101 00:05:52,086 --> 00:05:56,420 � It's a story 'bout friendship with music by me � 102 00:05:56,523 --> 00:05:59,049 � 'Bout a bear and a bunny � 103 00:05:59,160 --> 00:06:02,721 � In the end the bunny's family dies but the bear becomes his new family � 104 00:06:02,831 --> 00:06:05,061 � Something like that � 105 00:08:32,450 --> 00:08:34,975 Whee! 106 00:08:35,086 --> 00:08:38,954 Mom, look! Mom! Mom! 107 00:08:39,056 --> 00:08:42,958 Mom! Mom! Mom, look at me! 108 00:08:43,060 --> 00:08:46,518 Look at me! Mom! Mom! 109 00:08:46,631 --> 00:08:49,499 Mom! 110 00:08:51,003 --> 00:08:53,870 - How was that? - Your third somersault was a little sloppy. 111 00:08:53,972 --> 00:08:55,940 But what do I know, huh? 112 00:08:56,041 --> 00:08:58,771 It's been so long since I qualified for the Olympics. 113 00:08:58,877 --> 00:09:02,074 - You were in the Olympics? - No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. 114 00:09:02,181 --> 00:09:04,206 Now I'm pro-choice. 115 00:09:06,718 --> 00:09:09,278 Hey! Hey, Meg. Go crouch down behind Brian. 116 00:09:09,388 --> 00:09:11,754 - I'm gonna push him in the pool. - Okay. 117 00:09:20,766 --> 00:09:23,462 - Dad! - Ow! Damn it! 118 00:09:23,569 --> 00:09:25,833 Meg, you did it wrong! 119 00:09:28,207 --> 00:09:30,676 See ya later, honey. I guess I can't go swimmin' for half an hour. 120 00:09:30,777 --> 00:09:32,677 Giggedy-giggedy-giggedy-goo! 121 00:09:32,779 --> 00:09:36,146 Hey, Stewie. How 'bout Daddy teaches ya how to swim? 122 00:09:36,249 --> 00:09:39,241 Go... Away... Fat man. 123 00:09:39,352 --> 00:09:41,877 What do you think you're doing? "No" means "no"! 124 00:09:41,988 --> 00:09:44,013 Okay. Here goes. 125 00:09:44,123 --> 00:09:47,650 Come on, Stewie. In... The... Pool. 126 00:09:47,760 --> 00:09:52,094 No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live! 127 00:09:52,198 --> 00:09:55,292 Peter, stop it. He's never gonna learn like that. 128 00:09:55,401 --> 00:09:57,562 Maybe this summer he should take swim lessons. 129 00:09:57,670 --> 00:09:59,661 - Would ya like that, Stewie? - Hmm. 130 00:09:59,772 --> 00:10:02,434 Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than that summer I spent in India. 131 00:10:02,542 --> 00:10:04,806 Whatever you do, short-round, don't touch anything. 132 00:10:04,911 --> 00:10:07,709 Okay, Dr. Jones, I no touch anything. 133 00:10:09,148 --> 00:10:13,449 - Indy! - Lady only here 'cause she humping director. 134 00:10:16,457 --> 00:10:19,551 Whoa. Look at this place. What happened to Sal's Video? 135 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:22,527 We bought them out two weeks ago. Welcome to Lackluster Video. 136 00:10:22,630 --> 00:10:24,723 50,000 stores nationwide. 137 00:10:24,832 --> 00:10:27,733 Yeah, well, uh, you know, I used to come into Sal's once or twice a week... 138 00:10:27,835 --> 00:10:31,134 ...to rent movies from his, uh... Back room. 139 00:10:31,238 --> 00:10:34,639 You know what I mean? Room for, uh, adults only. 140 00:10:34,742 --> 00:10:38,439 Catch my drift? The, uh, kind of movies where there are X-rated pornos... 141 00:10:38,545 --> 00:10:41,673 ...and fully-nude people fornicate for the camera and stuff comes out. 142 00:10:41,782 --> 00:10:43,943 - Get my meaning? - Oh, I'm sorry, but Lackluster Video... 143 00:10:44,051 --> 00:10:46,485 ...takes a strong moral stance against pornography... 144 00:10:46,587 --> 00:10:48,578 ...open-mindedness and non-Christians. 145 00:10:48,689 --> 00:10:51,556 Oh, yeah? Then why do you rent Prince of Tides? Barbra Streisand is Jewish. 146 00:10:51,659 --> 00:10:53,684 We edit some of our movies. 147 00:10:53,795 --> 00:10:55,786 I think I'm in love with you, Doctor. 148 00:10:55,897 --> 00:11:00,095 No, Tom, you're wrong. You don't love me. You love the idea of me. 149 00:11:00,201 --> 00:11:02,965 Hi, I'm Tom Tucker. Do me a favor and fill this bag... 150 00:11:03,071 --> 00:11:07,098 ...with motion pictures featuring women-on-women or anything with an amputee. 151 00:11:07,208 --> 00:11:11,372 Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think it's immoral. 152 00:11:11,479 --> 00:11:13,447 You know, that really grinds my gears. 153 00:11:13,548 --> 00:11:16,984 Where in the Bible does it say a man can't fire off some knuckle-children... 154 00:11:17,085 --> 00:11:19,713 ...in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room, while his neighbor is at work... 155 00:11:19,821 --> 00:11:21,982 ...because I don't have a DVD player? 156 00:11:22,090 --> 00:11:24,820 I don't know where it says it because the Bible is way too long to read. 157 00:11:24,926 --> 00:11:26,894 Hey, that was quite a rant there. 158 00:11:26,995 --> 00:11:30,294 You know, we're looking for an everyman to rant about petty, nonsensical irritants... 159 00:11:30,398 --> 00:11:32,423 ...to replace our "Spotlight on the Middle East" segment. 160 00:11:32,534 --> 00:11:34,502 Hey! I'd be great at that! 161 00:11:34,602 --> 00:11:37,834 I've been dying to get back on television ever since I stopped hosting Family Feud. 162 00:11:37,940 --> 00:11:41,569 How are you, Betsy? Welcome to the show. You are a lovely young woman. 163 00:11:41,677 --> 00:11:44,646 Stick my hand up there and feel that one. 164 00:11:44,747 --> 00:11:46,806 And that one. 165 00:11:46,916 --> 00:11:49,350 We're looking for somethin' you shop for at the mall. Three seconds. 166 00:11:55,091 --> 00:11:57,082 Come on, Stewie. Don't be afraid. 167 00:11:57,193 --> 00:11:59,286 It's just water. It's not gonna bite. 168 00:11:59,395 --> 00:12:02,125 Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid. 169 00:12:02,231 --> 00:12:05,962 What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it, you moron. It doesn't have to bite you. 170 00:12:06,068 --> 00:12:09,504 Hey, little guy. Take a look at Brad over there. He's my star pupil. 171 00:12:09,605 --> 00:12:12,472 - See how brave he is? - He's not brave. 172 00:12:12,575 --> 00:12:14,600 I'll tell you who was brave- Gandhi. 173 00:12:14,710 --> 00:12:17,679 And the black people are always like, "Hey, bitch. " 174 00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:21,649 And the Indian people, we do not call our women in such a way. 175 00:12:21,752 --> 00:12:23,777 Boo.! You suck.! 176 00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:26,685 Okay, parents. Next week's the toddler's swim meet. 177 00:12:26,790 --> 00:12:29,088 It's gonna be a lot of fun! 178 00:12:30,527 --> 00:12:33,121 You know, that is a remarkable resemblance, Brad. 179 00:12:33,230 --> 00:12:37,326 You, on your back, in the water- You look like one of my stools! 180 00:12:41,371 --> 00:12:45,239 So, is it just pool water that turns you into a sniveling girl, or is it all water? 181 00:12:45,342 --> 00:12:48,004 Mom! Brian's asking me if it's just pool water that turns me... 182 00:12:48,111 --> 00:12:50,136 ...into a sniveling girl or if it's all water! 183 00:12:50,247 --> 00:12:54,547 I heard that Olympic swimmers shave all the hair off their head and their private areas... 184 00:12:54,651 --> 00:12:56,585 ...to make 'em move faster. 185 00:12:56,686 --> 00:12:58,620 I don't need some stupid gimmick. 186 00:12:58,722 --> 00:13:03,456 Soon as I improve my technique, I'll outswim Brad as easily as I took care of that other boy. 187 00:13:03,561 --> 00:13:07,190 Casper, go long! 188 00:13:07,298 --> 00:13:10,461 Ooh, sorry about that, man. 189 00:13:10,568 --> 00:13:12,468 - Are you dead? - Yeah, whatever. 190 00:13:12,570 --> 00:13:14,538 I was gonna off myself on Tuesday anyway. 191 00:13:14,639 --> 00:13:17,699 Hey, Peter, shouldn't you be getting ready for your first news segment? 192 00:13:17,809 --> 00:13:21,040 Yeah. I'm a little nervous, though. I'm not sure what to talk about. 193 00:13:21,145 --> 00:13:24,478 - You could talk about me. - Okay, honey. I'll talk about you. 194 00:13:24,582 --> 00:13:28,712 "Hey, I'm Meg. I go to school. I wear glasses. " 195 00:13:32,590 --> 00:13:34,922 Spot on. Spot on. 196 00:13:35,026 --> 00:13:37,893 Oh, Peter, you'll be great. You're a natural. 197 00:13:37,995 --> 00:13:40,725 I always said they never should have replaced you on Roseanne. 198 00:13:40,832 --> 00:13:42,892 Hey, Rosie, have you seen Darlene? 199 00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:50,806 ...and junk. 200 00:13:50,909 --> 00:13:55,710 Uh, I-I don't, uh- I can't, uh-What? 201 00:13:58,150 --> 00:14:01,483 In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty... 202 00:14:01,587 --> 00:14:05,079 - I finally get my period. - Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother... 203 00:14:05,190 --> 00:14:08,353 ...must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been. 204 00:14:08,460 --> 00:14:12,396 We now go to Peter Griffin for "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?" 205 00:14:12,498 --> 00:14:15,524 Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears? 206 00:14:15,634 --> 00:14:18,967 Nobody's come up with a new priest-and-rabbi joke in, like, 30 years. 207 00:14:19,071 --> 00:14:21,164 You know? I mean, okay. Um, um- 208 00:14:21,273 --> 00:14:24,140 A priest and rabbi go into the supermarket and, uh, the priest... 209 00:14:24,243 --> 00:14:26,439 ...wants to buy a ham and the rabbi says... 210 00:14:26,546 --> 00:14:28,514 "Uh, I can't eat it. It's forbidden. 211 00:14:28,615 --> 00:14:30,776 Couldn't eat it. Not allowed. " 212 00:14:30,884 --> 00:14:33,352 Pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No. 213 00:14:33,453 --> 00:14:35,683 L- I don't see you comin' up with anything. 214 00:14:35,788 --> 00:14:37,915 And that, people, is what grinds my gears. Tom. 215 00:14:40,026 --> 00:14:41,994 Come on. You gonna be all day? 216 00:14:42,095 --> 00:14:44,825 - I'm brushing my teeth. - You only have, like, two. 217 00:14:44,931 --> 00:14:48,025 - I mean, how long could- Oh, God! - Oh. Hey. 218 00:14:48,134 --> 00:14:51,262 Uh... wow. 219 00:14:51,371 --> 00:14:54,431 You... Doin' a little hair removal there? 220 00:14:54,541 --> 00:14:57,374 Oh, uh-Yeah. 221 00:14:57,477 --> 00:15:00,935 Um... You know, feel free to say "no" to this, but... 222 00:15:01,047 --> 00:15:03,413 ...would you shave my coin purse? 223 00:15:09,323 --> 00:15:12,952 Oh, no! No way, man! 224 00:15:13,060 --> 00:15:17,121 Holy freaking God! 225 00:15:17,231 --> 00:15:21,497 - Oh! - Don't have to be so uptight about it. 226 00:15:22,736 --> 00:15:24,931 There we are. Balder than Michael Chiklis- 227 00:15:25,039 --> 00:15:27,906 And bears him an odd resemblance too. I say, they could be brothers. 228 00:15:28,008 --> 00:15:30,841 Detective Vic Mackey has finally met his match. 229 00:15:30,945 --> 00:15:34,506 Just when you thought The Shield couldn't get anymore intense. 230 00:15:34,615 --> 00:15:37,709 - Hey, Mackey, your brother's here. - I'm sorry, Detective. 231 00:15:37,818 --> 00:15:40,912 - I don't have a brother. - Hello, Vic. 232 00:15:41,021 --> 00:15:44,923 Detective Scrotes. I told you I never wanted to see you again. 233 00:15:45,025 --> 00:15:48,017 Yeah? Well, I got a listenin' problem. 234 00:15:49,898 --> 00:15:52,332 Okay. We're gonna have our first fun little race. 235 00:15:52,434 --> 00:15:54,402 When I blow this whistle, I want all the parents... 236 00:15:54,502 --> 00:15:56,470 ...to throw their children into the pool. 237 00:15:56,571 --> 00:16:00,667 If your child doesn't resurface right away, they're probably just trying to get attention. 238 00:16:00,775 --> 00:16:02,800 - Ready? - Good luck, Stewie. 239 00:16:02,911 --> 00:16:04,708 "Good luck, Stewie. " 240 00:16:04,813 --> 00:16:06,246 That's you. That's what you sound like. 241 00:16:06,348 --> 00:16:09,647 You're mine, Brad! 242 00:16:09,751 --> 00:16:13,050 Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! 243 00:16:16,324 --> 00:16:19,225 Ew! A Band-Aid. 244 00:16:19,327 --> 00:16:22,296 I've got ya, sweetie. 245 00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:30,502 Good for you, Brad! 246 00:16:30,605 --> 00:16:32,631 - Oh, isn't he adorable? - He's much better than my kids. 247 00:16:35,077 --> 00:16:38,103 So, you think you can make me look like a fool, do you? You little bastard! 248 00:16:38,214 --> 00:16:41,206 Well, guess again! 249 00:16:41,317 --> 00:16:45,481 Oh, Brad! There's a piece of marzipan over here for you. 250 00:16:49,258 --> 00:16:51,920 What the deuce? 251 00:17:09,912 --> 00:17:12,904 Hell? Now, that's a bit much, don't you think? 252 00:17:13,015 --> 00:17:16,076 I mean, sure, I've spent my entire life trying to kill my mother. But who hasn't? 253 00:17:16,186 --> 00:17:18,984 You know, really, for hell this isn't that bad. 254 00:17:19,089 --> 00:17:21,182 - Hi, there. I'm Steve Allen. - Oh, hello. 255 00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:23,088 All right. Let's do this. 256 00:17:23,193 --> 00:17:26,492 Ah! 257 00:17:26,596 --> 00:17:28,564 I'm alive. I'm alive! 258 00:17:28,665 --> 00:17:30,792 Oh! Stewie! My baby. 259 00:17:30,901 --> 00:17:34,166 I thought I'd lost you. Oh! 260 00:17:34,271 --> 00:17:37,240 I can't believe it. All these years I thought I was living in hell... 261 00:17:37,341 --> 00:17:39,309 ...but it gets so much worse. 262 00:17:39,409 --> 00:17:41,639 This is a sign. Well, from this day forward... 263 00:17:41,745 --> 00:17:45,078 Stewart Gilligan Griffin will be a good boy. 264 00:17:45,182 --> 00:17:48,151 I don't understand. I was only gonna ask him to fix my collar. 265 00:17:48,251 --> 00:17:50,811 Huh. Well, I wonder what they got on TV in hell. 266 00:18:02,367 --> 00:18:04,335 Morning, Brian. 267 00:18:04,435 --> 00:18:07,165 Beautiful day, isn't it? Kind of day that makes you glad to be alive. 268 00:18:07,271 --> 00:18:10,536 - I made fudge. - Uh, okay. 269 00:18:13,845 --> 00:18:15,745 Wha- Uh- What, uh- 270 00:18:15,847 --> 00:18:18,145 - What are you-What are you doing? - Well, from the feel of it... 271 00:18:18,249 --> 00:18:20,410 ...working through quite a few years of stress. 272 00:18:20,518 --> 00:18:23,646 The thing is, when I died, I got a glimpse of where I was going... 273 00:18:23,755 --> 00:18:25,985 ...and, well, I did not like it one bit. 274 00:18:26,090 --> 00:18:28,718 Wow. I am so uncomfortable right now. 275 00:18:28,826 --> 00:18:30,817 So, I've resolved to change my ways... 276 00:18:30,928 --> 00:18:32,919 ...because I know now who I want to be. 277 00:18:33,030 --> 00:18:36,864 � I have confidence in sunshine � 278 00:18:36,968 --> 00:18:40,097 � I have confidence in rain � 279 00:18:40,205 --> 00:18:43,299 � I have confidence that spring will come again � 280 00:18:43,409 --> 00:18:46,936 � Besides which, you see I have confidence in me �� 281 00:18:47,045 --> 00:18:49,946 There you are. Drink plenty of water. 282 00:18:50,048 --> 00:18:52,448 - Hey, Brian. - Yeah? 283 00:18:52,551 --> 00:18:54,746 Thanks for listening. 284 00:18:54,853 --> 00:18:57,754 Boy, that was more disturbing than that cartoon I saw the other day. 285 00:19:01,193 --> 00:19:05,857 Shh! Be "vewy," "vewy" quiet. I'm hunting "wabbits. " 286 00:19:06,965 --> 00:19:08,933 Nyah, what's up, Doc? 287 00:19:12,571 --> 00:19:14,698 Oh, God! Oh, God! 288 00:19:14,807 --> 00:19:18,038 Oh! 289 00:19:29,956 --> 00:19:32,652 Shh! Quiet! Quiet! Your father's on. 290 00:19:32,759 --> 00:19:36,286 You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. 291 00:19:36,396 --> 00:19:39,126 Eh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits... 292 00:19:39,232 --> 00:19:41,496 ...jumpin' around there on stage half-naked... 293 00:19:41,601 --> 00:19:43,660 ...with your little outfits. 294 00:19:43,770 --> 00:19:47,536 You're up there jumpin' around and I'm just sittin' here with my beer. 295 00:19:47,640 --> 00:19:50,040 So, you know, what am I supposed to do? 296 00:19:50,143 --> 00:19:52,543 What do you-What do you want? You know, are we gonna go out? 297 00:19:52,645 --> 00:19:55,273 Is that what you're tryin'- Why are you... Leapin' around there... 298 00:19:55,381 --> 00:19:58,350 ...throwin' those things all up, um, over there in my face? 299 00:19:58,451 --> 00:20:02,354 Huh? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want! 300 00:20:02,456 --> 00:20:04,720 Well, I'll tell you what you want. You want nothin'. 301 00:20:04,825 --> 00:20:06,793 You want nothin'. All right? 302 00:20:06,894 --> 00:20:10,853 Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone... 303 00:20:10,965 --> 00:20:15,425 ...and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus. 304 00:20:15,536 --> 00:20:19,199 Oh! He is so right-on. Women are such teases. 305 00:20:19,306 --> 00:20:21,274 That's why I went back to men. 306 00:20:21,375 --> 00:20:25,744 Okay, Mom. Thanks for that. See you later. 307 00:20:25,846 --> 00:20:27,871 Go on. 308 00:20:27,982 --> 00:20:31,577 Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm lookin' for. 309 00:20:31,685 --> 00:20:33,846 Yeah, me too. What gives with that? 310 00:20:33,954 --> 00:20:36,115 And that's what really grinds my gears. 311 00:20:36,223 --> 00:20:38,157 Clear. Remove my microphone. 312 00:20:38,259 --> 00:20:40,227 - Great job, Mr. Griffin. - Great job, Peter. 313 00:20:40,327 --> 00:20:42,295 - Just terrific. - Just fantastic. 314 00:20:42,396 --> 00:20:44,729 Oh, this gig is even better than that job I had... 315 00:20:44,833 --> 00:20:47,324 ...providing nighttime heat for Lara Flynn Boyle. 316 00:20:47,435 --> 00:20:49,528 Thanks so much, Peter. 317 00:20:49,638 --> 00:20:51,663 - I was getting a little chilly. - No sweat, Lara. 318 00:20:51,773 --> 00:20:54,333 Hey, you have yourself a fine sleep. 319 00:20:55,710 --> 00:20:58,770 - Hey, Lara. - Yeah? 320 00:20:58,880 --> 00:21:02,680 - Is Dylan McDermott nice in person? - Yeah. 321 00:21:02,784 --> 00:21:04,809 Good. 322 00:21:08,757 --> 00:21:10,884 So, who would like to say the blessing? 323 00:21:10,992 --> 00:21:13,222 No one? Okay. I'll do it. 324 00:21:13,328 --> 00:21:15,387 Um, dear Lord... 325 00:21:15,497 --> 00:21:17,863 ...we thank you for this food we are about to eat... 326 00:21:17,966 --> 00:21:21,697 ...uh, thank you for this gorgeous day... 327 00:21:21,803 --> 00:21:25,671 ...and thank you for letting me share it with my good friend, Brian- 328 00:21:25,774 --> 00:21:27,743 ...that's you. 329 00:21:27,843 --> 00:21:29,811 Um... 330 00:21:29,912 --> 00:21:32,210 ...and that about covers it, I guess. 331 00:21:32,315 --> 00:21:34,340 All right. Amen. 332 00:21:34,450 --> 00:21:38,978 Sweetheart, I thought your "Grind My Gears" segment was just wonderful tonight. 333 00:21:39,088 --> 00:21:41,352 Yeah! I can't believe my father's famous. 334 00:21:41,457 --> 00:21:43,550 Well, honey, there's been a lot of famous Griffins... 335 00:21:43,659 --> 00:21:45,820 ...like my great aunt, Ella Fitzgerald Griffin. 336 00:21:45,928 --> 00:21:48,089 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 337 00:21:48,197 --> 00:21:50,358 I'd like to introduce my accompanist for the evening... 338 00:21:50,466 --> 00:21:53,333 ...please say hello to young Ray Charles. 339 00:22:04,080 --> 00:22:07,413 I'm blind! 340 00:22:07,516 --> 00:22:11,248 - I feel ridiculous. - Well, I can't very well fit you up here, can I? 341 00:22:11,355 --> 00:22:15,792 - Where are we going? - Well, there is the most absolutely perfect... 342 00:22:15,892 --> 00:22:18,122 ...spider web in the bushes by Cleveland's house. 343 00:22:18,228 --> 00:22:20,696 - You have just got to see it. - Oh, for God's sake. 344 00:22:20,797 --> 00:22:22,788 - Hey, Brian. Brian. - What? 345 00:22:22,899 --> 00:22:24,992 - Knock-knock. - Oh, come on. 346 00:22:25,102 --> 00:22:27,093 - Knock-knock. - Who's there? 347 00:22:27,204 --> 00:22:30,970 Your friend, Stewie- and he's always gonna be there for you. 348 00:22:32,476 --> 00:22:36,344 - Yes. Table for two. - I'm sorry. We have a 45-minute wait. 349 00:22:36,446 --> 00:22:38,937 Oh, isn't that too bad, honey? 350 00:22:39,049 --> 00:22:42,143 Because I know waiting in line at a restaurant... 351 00:22:42,252 --> 00:22:44,277 ...really, uh, grinds your gears. 352 00:22:44,388 --> 00:22:46,356 Oh, my God! It's you! 353 00:22:46,456 --> 00:22:49,425 I loved your rant about how bread is square and baloney is round. 354 00:22:49,526 --> 00:22:51,552 Oh, a table just opened up. 355 00:22:51,663 --> 00:22:55,656 - Hey! We've been waiting. - Shh! That's Michael Moore. 356 00:22:55,767 --> 00:22:57,735 Mr. Tucker, we need this table. 357 00:22:57,835 --> 00:22:59,803 But I've already ordered. 358 00:22:59,904 --> 00:23:03,465 Oh, we have a private booth set up for you. This way. 359 00:23:03,574 --> 00:23:05,542 - Griffin. - Diane. 360 00:23:05,643 --> 00:23:08,237 I can't believe we got a table at the hottest restaurant in town... 361 00:23:08,346 --> 00:23:10,314 ...without a reservation. 362 00:23:10,415 --> 00:23:12,440 We really are moving up in the world. 363 00:23:12,550 --> 00:23:14,882 Yeah, but I'd love to see what those private booths are like. 364 00:23:19,323 --> 00:23:23,692 This is totally unacceptable. How long are you going to be? I'm very hungry. 365 00:23:27,932 --> 00:23:30,196 Hey, B! Rupert and I were just about to- 366 00:23:30,301 --> 00:23:32,394 E- E-Excuse me. Did you just call me "B"? 367 00:23:32,503 --> 00:23:34,699 Yes, B. Rupert and I were just about to dine on this mixture... 368 00:23:34,807 --> 00:23:36,775 ...of Play-Doh and rug hair. 369 00:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,843 - Care to join? - Oh, no, thanks. 370 00:23:38,944 --> 00:23:41,139 I just thought you might be interested in seeing this. 371 00:23:41,246 --> 00:23:44,647 This is the most absolutely perfectly destroyed spider web. 372 00:23:44,750 --> 00:23:46,877 - Where's the spider? - Knock-knock. 373 00:23:46,985 --> 00:23:49,078 - Who's there? - I ate him! 374 00:23:49,188 --> 00:23:51,554 You bastard! Who the hell do you think you are? 375 00:23:51,657 --> 00:23:54,387 Ha! I knew it. I knew you hadn't really changed. 376 00:23:54,493 --> 00:23:57,462 Okay. So, I was faking being nice. It's not the worst thing I've done. 377 00:23:59,965 --> 00:24:02,525 Ooh! Steve, it's coming right at us. Grab it! 378 00:24:02,634 --> 00:24:05,194 - I don't wanna get in the way. - It's a foul ball. 379 00:24:05,304 --> 00:24:07,363 What harm can it do? 380 00:24:07,473 --> 00:24:10,806 Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't fight my nature. 381 00:24:10,909 --> 00:24:13,537 - I'm just a hateful person. - You're not hateful. 382 00:24:13,645 --> 00:24:15,614 You just need to control your anger like I do. 383 00:24:15,715 --> 00:24:17,683 You mean by being sauced all day? 384 00:24:17,784 --> 00:24:20,275 Wait a minute. Of course. That's it. 385 00:24:20,386 --> 00:24:23,981 If I'm drunk, I'll be calm. If I'm calm, I'll be nice. If I'm nice, I won't go to hell. 386 00:24:24,090 --> 00:24:26,456 Fix me a highball. I'm going to get good and tight. 387 00:24:26,559 --> 00:24:28,652 Look, you can't drink. You're an infant, all right? 388 00:24:28,762 --> 00:24:30,787 Besides, there are better ways to solve your problems. 389 00:24:30,897 --> 00:24:33,991 Oh, I suppose you're right. Thanks, Brian. I was weak. 390 00:24:34,100 --> 00:24:36,330 No problem. 391 00:24:40,073 --> 00:24:42,940 Oh, my God! Do you know what it's time for? 392 00:24:43,042 --> 00:24:45,203 A sexy party! 393 00:25:03,063 --> 00:25:06,294 So, Brian, I- Oh, what? 394 00:25:06,400 --> 00:25:10,029 - I didn't say anything. - L-I thought- Oh, I thought you interrupted me. 395 00:25:10,137 --> 00:25:12,469 - Do-Don't interrupt me! - Are you okay? 396 00:25:12,573 --> 00:25:15,201 I'm as okay as your face. 397 00:25:17,978 --> 00:25:21,709 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm s-sorry. 398 00:25:21,816 --> 00:25:25,115 So, honey, what are you going to rant about today? 399 00:25:25,219 --> 00:25:27,619 - Could we get a little preview? - Oh, I got a good one, Lois. 400 00:25:27,721 --> 00:25:30,815 Parents who let their kids do anything they want. I hate that. 401 00:25:30,925 --> 00:25:33,826 You know? Like, when I'm in a restaurant tryin' to enjoy my dinner... 402 00:25:33,928 --> 00:25:37,955 ...and little baby junior son-of-a-bitch over there is screaming his head off. 403 00:25:38,065 --> 00:25:40,125 Parents need to control their kids. 404 00:25:40,235 --> 00:25:43,568 Hey! Everybody, look! I'm gonna do- I'm gonna do something... 405 00:25:43,672 --> 00:25:45,697 ...that's gonna freak you out. 406 00:25:45,807 --> 00:25:49,709 I'm gonna jump from this shelf to my high chair. 407 00:25:49,811 --> 00:25:53,804 I'm gonna jump. You- Are y-you watching? Are you? Are you? 408 00:25:53,915 --> 00:25:56,315 Stewie, don't interrupt. It grinds my gears when you do that. 409 00:25:56,418 --> 00:25:58,409 Oh! He said it! 410 00:26:00,589 --> 00:26:02,784 You're gon-You're gonna- You're gonna miss it. 411 00:26:02,891 --> 00:26:05,621 You're gonna miss it. You're gonna miss it. 412 00:26:08,697 --> 00:26:11,632 Oh, G- Oh, dude.! Did you see th-that? 413 00:26:11,733 --> 00:26:14,065 Did you guys- Oh, man. Look at this- 414 00:26:14,169 --> 00:26:17,161 Look at this gash. Look at this gash right up the side of my leg. 415 00:26:17,272 --> 00:26:19,866 Oh-ho.! Oh.! I cut myself deep. 416 00:26:19,975 --> 00:26:22,501 - Oh.! It doesn't hurt though. - Uh, all right. Time for your nap. 417 00:26:22,612 --> 00:26:24,637 Don't worry, Lois. I'll take him. Let's go. 418 00:26:25,915 --> 00:26:27,940 God.! What- What the hell? 419 00:26:28,050 --> 00:26:30,177 Why are you drag- Why are we in here? 420 00:26:30,286 --> 00:26:32,447 It's rude to the... other people. 421 00:26:32,555 --> 00:26:34,523 - You're drunk. - You're sexy. 422 00:26:34,624 --> 00:26:36,785 Listen, you have to stop this, all right? No more drinking. 423 00:26:36,893 --> 00:26:39,020 - I'm sorry I even put it in your head. - I don't know. 424 00:26:39,128 --> 00:26:41,722 I don't even know what your problem is. I've never felt better. 425 00:26:41,831 --> 00:26:44,800 Okay, now I've never felt better. 426 00:26:49,005 --> 00:26:51,940 You know, Peter, there's gonna be a lot of people watching tonight. 427 00:26:52,041 --> 00:26:54,839 Better keep your balls on the prize- Eyeballs- 428 00:26:54,944 --> 00:26:56,969 On the ball. Eyes on the ball. 429 00:26:57,079 --> 00:26:59,343 Take two. You know, Peter, there's gonna be... 430 00:26:59,448 --> 00:27:01,541 ...a lot of people watching tonight. 431 00:27:01,651 --> 00:27:03,620 Better not screw up. Use take two. 432 00:27:03,720 --> 00:27:06,314 Don't worry about me, Tom. I'll be fine. 433 00:27:06,423 --> 00:27:08,584 We're on in three, two- 434 00:27:08,692 --> 00:27:11,252 And now it's time for "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?" 435 00:27:11,361 --> 00:27:13,727 - With Peter Griffin. - Thanks, Diane. 436 00:27:13,830 --> 00:27:16,526 - You know what really grinds my gears? - Hey! Hey! 437 00:27:16,633 --> 00:27:18,999 Those X-ray specs you used to buy out of the comics. 438 00:27:19,102 --> 00:27:22,037 - Hey! Screw up! - I save up forever to buy these things... 439 00:27:22,139 --> 00:27:25,506 ...and when I finally get 'em yesterday, I couldn't see the inside of my son's belly. 440 00:27:25,609 --> 00:27:30,569 Blah! Bah! Blah! 441 00:27:30,681 --> 00:27:32,774 See, I wanted to see if he'd eaten the last Nilla wafer... 442 00:27:32,883 --> 00:27:34,851 'cause I told him I wanted it. 443 00:27:34,952 --> 00:27:37,682 - Boy, I tell ya, that really grinds my gears. - Pay attention to me! 444 00:27:37,788 --> 00:27:39,881 I'm trying to ruin you! 445 00:27:39,990 --> 00:27:42,117 You wanted to see me, sir? 446 00:27:42,225 --> 00:27:46,026 You're fired, Tom. Turn in your press pass and any other studio property. 447 00:27:52,303 --> 00:27:54,396 What are we doing here? 448 00:27:54,505 --> 00:27:57,201 So, you like being drunk? Fine. I'm gonna get you so drunk... 449 00:27:57,308 --> 00:27:59,276 ...you'll never wanna drink again. 450 00:27:59,377 --> 00:28:02,107 Come on. 451 00:28:12,790 --> 00:28:15,452 Cold. It's so cold. 452 00:28:16,861 --> 00:28:19,022 - Thanks, Horace. - Hey, is he 18? 453 00:28:19,130 --> 00:28:22,031 - Horace, the drinking age is 21. - Oh. 454 00:28:22,133 --> 00:28:24,931 O- Okay. Uh, uh... 455 00:28:25,036 --> 00:28:27,027 ...to the black man. 456 00:28:27,138 --> 00:28:29,801 Thanks for taking it all in stride. 457 00:28:34,780 --> 00:28:39,046 � 'Cause suicide is painless � 458 00:28:39,151 --> 00:28:43,417 � It brings on many changes � 459 00:28:43,522 --> 00:28:46,616 � And I can take or leave it � 460 00:28:46,725 --> 00:28:50,422 � If I please �� 461 00:28:51,463 --> 00:28:53,397 Was that- Was that good? 462 00:28:53,499 --> 00:28:55,831 Oh, God. Thank you, man. 463 00:28:55,934 --> 00:28:57,902 G- Get the fruit. There's more points. 464 00:28:58,003 --> 00:29:00,335 - Get- Get the- Get the fruit. - I'm not gonna get the fruit. 465 00:29:00,439 --> 00:29:02,339 - Get the fruit. - I can't get the fruit. 466 00:29:02,441 --> 00:29:05,069 I'm not gonna get the fruit! There's a ghost right there! 467 00:29:07,079 --> 00:29:09,377 I can't believe you saved all those. 468 00:29:09,481 --> 00:29:13,077 L- Lois- L-Lois- You think Lois'll like these? 469 00:29:13,186 --> 00:29:15,814 - You love Lois! - Shut up! 470 00:29:15,922 --> 00:29:18,220 You know what? Give me your keys. 471 00:29:18,324 --> 00:29:21,020 - Oh, no. I'm fine. - No, no. Give me your keys. 472 00:29:21,127 --> 00:29:23,095 I'm fi- I'm drivin'. 473 00:29:23,196 --> 00:29:25,164 - Give me your keys. You're too drunk. - I'm okay. 474 00:29:25,265 --> 00:29:28,996 Peter- Meg- Brian. You're too- Brian, you're too drunk to drive. 475 00:29:29,102 --> 00:29:32,230 L- I-I a-am- I- 476 00:29:32,338 --> 00:29:34,602 You're right. Here. Here you go. 477 00:29:42,015 --> 00:29:44,108 Shh! 478 00:29:44,217 --> 00:29:48,881 And that's it for sports. Now let's go to Ollie Williams with Adopt-A-Pet of the week. 479 00:29:48,988 --> 00:29:50,956 - Who wants this dog? - Thanks, Ollie. 480 00:29:51,057 --> 00:29:54,585 And now let's go to Peter Griffin with "You Know What Really Grinds My-" 481 00:29:54,695 --> 00:29:57,186 Tom! What are you doing? You don't work here anymore. 482 00:29:57,298 --> 00:29:59,596 Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story- 483 00:29:59,700 --> 00:30:01,895 And I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home. 484 00:30:02,002 --> 00:30:04,266 - Did you check your TCP/IPsettings? - Yes, I did, Ollie. 485 00:30:04,371 --> 00:30:06,339 - Enable cookies? - Yes, Ollie. 486 00:30:06,440 --> 00:30:08,465 - You want this dog? - No, thank you, Ollie. Roll tape. 487 00:30:08,576 --> 00:30:11,044 This was the scene at the Drunken Clam last night... 488 00:30:11,145 --> 00:30:13,113 ...as a car driven by an intoxicated infant... 489 00:30:13,214 --> 00:30:15,182 ...caused thousands of dollars-worth of damage. 490 00:30:15,282 --> 00:30:17,409 Put th- Put this on my tab. 491 00:30:17,518 --> 00:30:19,918 It was- It was, like, all slowed down. 492 00:30:20,020 --> 00:30:23,387 You know? And I was, like, "Whoa!" But I couldn't stop it. 493 00:30:23,491 --> 00:30:25,459 And who is the father of the child in that car? 494 00:30:25,559 --> 00:30:27,459 Ooh.! Tom.! Tom.! I know this. I know this. 495 00:30:27,561 --> 00:30:29,756 Tom, over here. Tom! Ooh! Ooh! 496 00:30:29,864 --> 00:30:34,062 The man you all respect so much. Your beloved Peter Griffin. 497 00:30:34,168 --> 00:30:36,535 Good thing he didn't call on me. I was gonna say "Grant Goodeve. " 498 00:30:36,638 --> 00:30:40,870 Thanks, Tom. And now, neglectful father and Quahog's newest social pariah... 499 00:30:40,976 --> 00:30:43,206 Peter Griffin, with another segment of"Grind My Gears. " 500 00:30:43,311 --> 00:30:45,336 - Peter. - Thank you, Diane. 501 00:30:45,447 --> 00:30:49,315 You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. 502 00:30:49,417 --> 00:30:51,851 Why don't they get with the freakin' program? 503 00:30:51,953 --> 00:30:55,889 It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse. 504 00:30:57,125 --> 00:30:59,821 Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired. 505 00:30:59,928 --> 00:31:03,022 Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you somethin'. 506 00:31:03,131 --> 00:31:06,589 You know what really grinds my gears? You, America. 507 00:31:06,701 --> 00:31:09,101 Fuck you! Diane. 508 00:31:10,372 --> 00:31:13,364 Hey, Tom. Catch! 509 00:31:21,050 --> 00:31:23,018 Did you miss Daddy? Did you miss Daddy? 510 00:31:23,119 --> 00:31:26,054 Oh, no. It's all right. It's- Oh, you're shaking. 511 00:31:32,195 --> 00:31:34,891 - Go away. - Huh. Little hung over? 512 00:31:34,997 --> 00:31:37,557 I am never going to drink again- Ever. 513 00:31:37,667 --> 00:31:40,192 I may have an occasional creme de menthe, but that's about it. 514 00:31:40,303 --> 00:31:42,703 Look, kid, you can't stay in bed all- Oh, God! You're nude! 515 00:31:42,805 --> 00:31:44,773 I am? What happened to my clothes? 516 00:31:44,874 --> 00:31:48,241 Good Lord! What the hell did I do last night? 517 00:31:48,344 --> 00:31:51,404 - I hope you learned something from all this. - I certainly did, Brian. 518 00:31:51,514 --> 00:31:53,482 It seems I'm still finding myself. 519 00:31:53,583 --> 00:31:56,677 Well, that's just life, Stewie. You gotta help yourself. No one's gonna do it for ya. 520 00:31:56,786 --> 00:31:58,812 Yes, I suppose you're right. 521 00:31:58,922 --> 00:32:01,482 It's just too bad there's not someone out there just like me... 522 00:32:01,592 --> 00:32:03,924 ...who understands me well enough to show me the way. 523 00:32:04,027 --> 00:32:07,019 Yeah. Stewie, I'm sure there's someone out there just like you. 524 00:32:11,068 --> 00:32:13,696 Yes, I've reserved a non-smoking room with a view of the bay. 525 00:32:13,804 --> 00:32:17,035 No soap in the bathroom, just moist towelettes and a sleep mask. 526 00:32:17,140 --> 00:32:21,270 And, um, could you send up a bouquet of orchids and a box ofToffifay? 527 00:32:21,378 --> 00:32:23,403 But, for the moment, I've just got to accept the fact... 528 00:32:23,513 --> 00:32:25,981 ...that I'm an angry boy who'll occasionally try to burn down a house... 529 00:32:26,083 --> 00:32:28,244 ...or toss a poison dart at his mother. 530 00:32:28,352 --> 00:32:31,583 After all, I can't let one near-death experience change my whole life, can I? 531 00:32:31,688 --> 00:32:33,747 I'm glad you finally figured that out. 532 00:32:33,857 --> 00:32:36,087 Although, I will say, for the record, you're a pretty fun drunk. 533 00:32:36,193 --> 00:32:39,094 Well, thank God there were no long-term repercussions. 534 00:32:42,267 --> 00:32:45,236 Oh! Got to play this one right, Roger. Can't seem desperate. 535 00:32:45,336 --> 00:32:47,463 Wait three days- that's the rule. 536 00:32:49,107 --> 00:32:51,337 Oh, God! I wanna talk to him now! 537 00:32:52,977 --> 00:32:54,968 Damn! 538 00:33:00,585 --> 00:33:03,281 Wow! This must be one of them new plasma TV's. 539 00:33:03,388 --> 00:33:05,720 - Would you like something to drink? - I'll have water, please. 540 00:33:05,823 --> 00:33:07,791 I'll have water too, but with lemon. 541 00:33:07,892 --> 00:33:10,725 - I'll have a Sam Adams. - It's 9:30 in the morning. 542 00:33:10,828 --> 00:33:13,058 And don't you have an outstanding D.U.I.? 543 00:33:13,164 --> 00:33:16,327 Yeah, but I've gotta get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth. 544 00:33:16,434 --> 00:33:18,459 I'll have a Sam Adams too. 545 00:33:18,569 --> 00:33:21,595 Samuel Adams- always a good decision. 546 00:33:21,706 --> 00:33:24,540 Okay, now, if I get a fax, can I stay online and still received the fax... 547 00:33:24,643 --> 00:33:26,611 ...without a dedicated line? 548 00:33:26,712 --> 00:33:30,739 Yeah, you can put a piece of paper in here and make, like, a phone call... 549 00:33:30,849 --> 00:33:34,945 ...and your friend will get another piece of paper with the same picture. 550 00:33:35,054 --> 00:33:38,546 Can I possibly speak to someone who didn't come to this country on a floating door? 551 00:33:38,657 --> 00:33:41,717 - Can I help you? - Yes. We're here to replace our VCR. 552 00:33:41,827 --> 00:33:44,625 Yeah, don't try any of your salesman funny business... 553 00:33:44,730 --> 00:33:47,290 ...like that guy who convinced me to buy that pet Tyrannosaurus. 554 00:33:47,399 --> 00:33:49,492 Okay, Patches, now fetch! 555 00:33:51,670 --> 00:33:55,128 Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. 556 00:33:55,240 --> 00:33:57,674 Ew. It's got spit all over it. 557 00:33:57,776 --> 00:34:00,336 A VCR? Let me show you something. 558 00:34:00,446 --> 00:34:02,414 It's called TiVo. It always records what your watching... 559 00:34:02,514 --> 00:34:04,482 ...so, you can re-watch anything you missed. 560 00:34:04,583 --> 00:34:06,984 Oh! Sounds fancy. How does it work? 561 00:34:07,087 --> 00:34:09,521 I'll tell ya how it works. Easy as pie, is how it works. 562 00:34:11,691 --> 00:34:13,955 I'll tell ya how it works. Easy as pie, is how it works. 563 00:34:14,060 --> 00:34:16,028 - Should I ring it up? - Hold on. Hold on. 564 00:34:16,129 --> 00:34:18,097 I think we should discuss it first. 565 00:34:20,500 --> 00:34:22,764 Some kind of palsy. 566 00:34:22,869 --> 00:34:24,837 Anyway, that's how I saved Christmas. 567 00:34:24,938 --> 00:34:26,963 Yeah, go ahead and bag this thing for us. 568 00:34:31,344 --> 00:34:34,336 Ah! Sweet, Quagmire. You got a Winnebago. 569 00:34:34,447 --> 00:34:36,677 You mean a "Wanna-bang-o"! 570 00:34:36,783 --> 00:34:38,751 How clever. 571 00:34:38,852 --> 00:34:40,820 Yeah, I'm gonna take her across the country... 572 00:34:40,920 --> 00:34:42,888 ...and bang a different broad in every state. 573 00:34:42,989 --> 00:34:45,219 - Also, gonna go to Vegas. - Oh, we went to Vegas once. 574 00:34:45,325 --> 00:34:47,294 Remember, Lois? We saw theJew Man group? 575 00:34:51,565 --> 00:34:53,556 Dad, what are you doing? 576 00:34:53,667 --> 00:34:56,363 I'm fast-forwarding through this pesky TV show so I can get to the commercials. 577 00:34:56,470 --> 00:34:59,200 Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. 578 00:34:59,306 --> 00:35:02,742 It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. 579 00:35:02,843 --> 00:35:04,868 I can't sleep at night. 580 00:35:04,979 --> 00:35:07,641 The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. 581 00:35:07,748 --> 00:35:11,582 Two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. 582 00:35:11,685 --> 00:35:14,449 Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. 583 00:35:14,555 --> 00:35:16,580 Who the hell did I hit? 584 00:35:19,427 --> 00:35:22,658 Lunch is ready! Come and get it! 585 00:35:22,763 --> 00:35:24,924 Hey, what do you think it is, boogers on a biscuit? 586 00:35:25,032 --> 00:35:28,559 That's prob-That's probably what it is. 587 00:35:28,669 --> 00:35:30,831 We now go live to the streets of San Francisco... 588 00:35:30,939 --> 00:35:33,271 ...with Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. 589 00:35:33,375 --> 00:35:36,276 - Diane, is she Chinese orJapanese? - She's Japanese, Tom. 590 00:35:36,378 --> 00:35:38,505 Wow. I know a Japanese woman. 591 00:35:38,613 --> 00:35:41,309 Tom, I'm standing here amidst the heated debate... 592 00:35:41,416 --> 00:35:44,044 ...over a recent petition to change the name of the city... 593 00:35:44,152 --> 00:35:48,145 ...from San Francisco to something a little less gay. 594 00:35:48,256 --> 00:35:51,919 Excuse me, sir. What would you like to rename San Francisco? 595 00:35:52,027 --> 00:35:55,724 Well, given the wonderful shoe shopping, I would cast my vote for "Heaven. " 596 00:35:55,831 --> 00:35:57,731 - Who the hell was that? - What? 597 00:35:57,833 --> 00:36:00,097 I say, press the button. Make it stop. Oh, my God. 598 00:36:00,202 --> 00:36:02,898 - He looks just like me. - You know what? He does. 599 00:36:03,004 --> 00:36:06,599 - Almost looks like he could be your father. - He could be my father. 600 00:36:06,708 --> 00:36:08,801 My real father. I knew it! 601 00:36:08,910 --> 00:36:11,504 Lois must have mated with this poor fellow. 602 00:36:11,614 --> 00:36:13,514 I've got to get out to California. 603 00:36:13,616 --> 00:36:15,948 I dare say, I'd fit right in with the kids from 90210- 604 00:36:16,052 --> 00:36:18,179 ...even the older-looking one. 605 00:36:19,622 --> 00:36:21,817 Boy, that test sure is gonna be hard tomorrow. 606 00:36:21,924 --> 00:36:24,688 You said it, Donna. Hey, Andrea, can you help me study? 607 00:36:24,794 --> 00:36:27,388 - What? - I said, "Can you help me study?" 608 00:36:27,497 --> 00:36:29,829 Dylan, I fixed your socks. 609 00:36:29,932 --> 00:36:32,230 Hey, Andrea, are we still goin' to the concert? 610 00:36:32,335 --> 00:36:37,329 This used to be all orange groves, far as the eye could see. 611 00:36:37,440 --> 00:36:39,408 Okay. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00. 612 00:36:39,509 --> 00:36:44,242 Barbara Stanwyck and I used to take the trolley. 613 00:36:44,347 --> 00:36:47,441 Hey, Lois.! Thought you might be in the mood for a classic. 614 00:36:47,550 --> 00:36:51,919 � Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Spider-Man � 615 00:36:52,021 --> 00:36:54,183 � Spider-Man � 616 00:36:54,291 --> 00:36:56,657 � Here comes Peter on the clothesline but his name's not Peter � 617 00:36:56,760 --> 00:36:59,126 � It is Spider-Man Spider-Man � 618 00:36:59,229 --> 00:37:01,754 � Come on, Lois Let's get busy, maybe in the garden right here � 619 00:37:01,865 --> 00:37:04,698 � Spider-Man Spider-Man � 620 00:37:04,801 --> 00:37:07,463 � Touch my can with your hand Spider-Man � 621 00:37:07,571 --> 00:37:10,506 Oh! Help! Spider-Man. 622 00:37:10,607 --> 00:37:12,837 I'm being attacked by the evil rosebush. 623 00:37:12,943 --> 00:37:14,911 Ah! I'll save you, MaryJane! 624 00:37:18,682 --> 00:37:21,082 - Oh, my God! - I don't know what they're fighting about... 625 00:37:21,184 --> 00:37:23,311 ...but I think Dad's winning. 626 00:37:23,420 --> 00:37:26,184 - Go, Dad! - Kids, can we have some privacy, please? 627 00:37:26,290 --> 00:37:29,623 Yeah, you guys are more annoying than that announcer on those TV commercials. 628 00:37:29,726 --> 00:37:31,853 Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.! 629 00:37:31,962 --> 00:37:34,226 Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.! 630 00:37:34,331 --> 00:37:36,300 Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.! 631 00:37:36,401 --> 00:37:39,199 Hi, I'm Al Harrington, president and C.E.O. Of Al Harrington's... 632 00:37:39,304 --> 00:37:42,831 Wacky, Waving, Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse. 633 00:37:42,941 --> 00:37:45,466 Thanks to a shipping error, I am now currently overstocked... 634 00:37:45,577 --> 00:37:48,011 ...on wacky, waving inflatable-arm-flailing tube men... 635 00:37:48,112 --> 00:37:50,672 ...and I am passing the savings on to you! 636 00:37:50,782 --> 00:37:53,910 Attract customers to your business, make a splash at your next presentation... 637 00:37:54,018 --> 00:37:57,078 ...keep Grandma company, protect your crops, confuse your neighbors. 638 00:37:57,188 --> 00:38:01,488 African-American? Hail a cab, testify in church orjust raise the roof. 639 00:38:01,593 --> 00:38:04,858 Whatever your wacky, waving inflatable-arm-flailing tube man needs are. 640 00:38:04,963 --> 00:38:06,954 So, come on down to Al Harrington's... 641 00:38:07,065 --> 00:38:09,499 Wacky, Waving Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse. 642 00:38:09,601 --> 00:38:12,035 Route 2 in Weekapaug! 643 00:38:14,872 --> 00:38:17,807 Please forgive me, Mr. Oinkbaum. You will be missed. 644 00:38:17,909 --> 00:38:19,878 - There we are. - What are you doing? 645 00:38:19,979 --> 00:38:21,913 None of your bees wax, Ramona. 646 00:38:22,014 --> 00:38:25,108 But if you must know, I need a plane ticket to San Francisco. 647 00:38:25,217 --> 00:38:27,549 Good luck. Plane tickets are about 450 bucks. 648 00:38:27,653 --> 00:38:30,144 400- Brian, hit me in the mouth. 649 00:38:30,255 --> 00:38:32,883 - What? Why? - I hear this Tooth Fairy gives you money for your teeth. 650 00:38:32,992 --> 00:38:34,983 - Have at it. - Uh, okay. 651 00:38:35,094 --> 00:38:37,062 No, no! Don't, don't, don't! Stop. Stop. 652 00:38:37,162 --> 00:38:39,130 - Why did you stop? I said, "Hit me. " - You flinched. 653 00:38:39,231 --> 00:38:41,222 Well, of course I flinched. You were going to hit me. 654 00:38:41,333 --> 00:38:43,563 - Well, make up your mind. What do you want me to do? - Hit me. 655 00:38:43,669 --> 00:38:45,637 No, no. D-Don't. 656 00:38:45,738 --> 00:38:47,968 I'm sorry. Look, I know I'm being hard to read- 657 00:38:55,848 --> 00:38:58,646 Hey! You there! Buy this yellow drink. 658 00:38:58,751 --> 00:39:02,279 Hey, preggo. Preggo. Hey, I'm talkin' to you, tubby. 659 00:39:02,389 --> 00:39:04,823 Oh, don't you ignore me. Ooh! 660 00:39:04,924 --> 00:39:07,893 Pardon me, sir. Sir? Sir? Oh, the hell with this. 661 00:39:11,564 --> 00:39:14,397 So, we had to do it the hard way, hmm? 662 00:39:14,501 --> 00:39:17,959 Six bucks? Nice-looking wife you've got. 663 00:39:18,071 --> 00:39:20,437 Maybe I'll look her up while you're in the hospital. 664 00:39:20,540 --> 00:39:23,065 Don't forget your lemonade. 665 00:39:26,446 --> 00:39:28,539 Oh, there you are. I thought you should- 666 00:39:28,648 --> 00:39:30,707 - What are you doing? - Paying bills. 667 00:39:30,817 --> 00:39:33,251 - What bills? You have bills? - Well, there's cable and- 668 00:39:33,353 --> 00:39:36,914 - Peter pays for the cable! - It's at this, uh- It's at this girl's house. 669 00:39:37,023 --> 00:39:39,719 - Do you want something? - Yes. I'm still short for my trip. 670 00:39:39,826 --> 00:39:43,456 I've only got $200. I suggest you pony up the difference immediately... 671 00:39:43,564 --> 00:39:46,590 ...or I'll e-mail the contents of your hard drive to the F.B.I. 672 00:39:46,701 --> 00:39:48,726 What are you talking about? There's nothing on there. 673 00:39:52,707 --> 00:39:55,676 Stewie, why is it so hard to accept that Peter's your real father? 674 00:39:55,776 --> 00:39:57,767 Because he's an idiot. 675 00:39:57,878 --> 00:39:59,846 You remember that time he went to the Today show. 676 00:39:59,947 --> 00:40:02,848 Coming up on Today. Tom Cruise has a new movie. We're gonna be talking to him. 677 00:40:02,950 --> 00:40:04,850 Katie. 678 00:40:04,952 --> 00:40:07,853 - Funnyman Al Franken will be stopping by for a visit. - Katie! 679 00:40:07,955 --> 00:40:10,856 - And Wolfgang Puck shares his recipe for apple strudel. - Katie! 680 00:40:10,958 --> 00:40:14,917 So stay tuned because we've got all this and more coming up in the next hour. 681 00:40:15,029 --> 00:40:16,929 Katie! 682 00:40:17,031 --> 00:40:18,999 - What? - Oh, well, never mind. 683 00:40:21,602 --> 00:40:24,332 - Care to join me, Lois? - Ah! 684 00:40:24,438 --> 00:40:28,170 Uh, Peter, how am I supposed to- 685 00:40:28,276 --> 00:40:32,770 - Oh, oh, oh. Sorry. Sorry. Where are my manners? - Oh, What a gentleman. 686 00:40:34,816 --> 00:40:37,046 There ya go. 687 00:40:37,152 --> 00:40:40,553 - Oh! Oh, God. You okay, honey? - Yeah, I'm all right. 688 00:40:40,655 --> 00:40:42,850 Oh, this is nice. 689 00:40:42,958 --> 00:40:47,793 Mom, Meg says Omar Sharif is dead, but I think she's thinkin' of Anthony Quinn. 690 00:40:47,896 --> 00:40:50,194 Chris, your father and I are in the tub. 691 00:40:50,298 --> 00:40:52,892 And, Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn. Now, get out! 692 00:40:53,001 --> 00:40:56,198 Peter, this is ridiculous. We have no privacy here. 693 00:40:56,304 --> 00:40:58,670 We gotta get those kids outta the house once in a while. 694 00:40:58,774 --> 00:41:01,675 - Shouldn't they be dating? - Aw, that doesn't solve the problem, Lois. 695 00:41:01,777 --> 00:41:04,905 If they start datin', I mean, their rooms are right next to each other. 696 00:41:05,013 --> 00:41:07,505 They'll start havin' sex. We'll never get 'em outta the house. 697 00:41:07,617 --> 00:41:11,178 No, no, you idiot. I'm talking about them dating other people. 698 00:41:11,287 --> 00:41:13,619 Look, I'm gonna start spending some time with Chris... 699 00:41:13,723 --> 00:41:15,987 ...and I'll show him how to attract a woman. 700 00:41:16,092 --> 00:41:18,219 Yeah, and I'll spend some time with Meg. 701 00:41:18,327 --> 00:41:20,420 I've spent lots of time with her... 702 00:41:20,530 --> 00:41:22,794 ...like when we went on our last crusade to find the Holy Grail. 703 00:41:22,899 --> 00:41:26,164 - Choose wisely. - Uh, I choose this one. 704 00:41:26,269 --> 00:41:28,362 - How did you know? - Well, I kinda figured... 705 00:41:28,471 --> 00:41:30,439 ...the coffee mug that says "Jesus. " 706 00:41:30,540 --> 00:41:33,065 - Oh, right. Right. - Pretty obvious. 707 00:41:33,176 --> 00:41:35,144 Great. Let's kiss on it. 708 00:41:35,244 --> 00:41:37,610 Come here, you. 709 00:41:40,383 --> 00:41:43,648 Oh! You bleedin'? Yeah, you're bleedin'. 710 00:41:45,788 --> 00:41:47,756 Don't tell me you're goin' to California on that. 711 00:41:47,857 --> 00:41:50,258 Bicycling is hard, but it has its benefits. 712 00:41:50,360 --> 00:41:53,887 Did you know Lance Armstrong is dating Sheryl Crow? 713 00:41:53,997 --> 00:41:56,898 You know, it really speaks to her character that she can get past... 714 00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:58,968 ...the whole "he had cancer" thing... 715 00:41:59,069 --> 00:42:01,162 ...and still find him sexually attractive. 716 00:42:01,271 --> 00:42:03,671 Really speaks to her character. L- I respect that. 717 00:42:03,774 --> 00:42:05,799 Hey, Brian, what do ya think of my sign? 718 00:42:05,909 --> 00:42:09,743 "Quagmire's Cross-country Tour. " Uh, isn't there an "O" in "country"? 719 00:42:09,847 --> 00:42:13,146 Nope. Look out, California. Here I come. 720 00:42:13,250 --> 00:42:15,275 California! 721 00:42:15,385 --> 00:42:17,410 - What are you doing? - Well, you heard Captain Syphilis. 722 00:42:17,521 --> 00:42:20,786 - We're going to California. - Oh, come on. You can't go alone with Quagmire. 723 00:42:20,891 --> 00:42:25,225 Look, I'll tell you what. If you're serious about this, I'll go with you. 724 00:42:25,329 --> 00:42:27,354 Although I should probably ask Peter and Lois if it's okay. 725 00:42:27,464 --> 00:42:30,194 Oh, they won't even know we're gone. 726 00:42:30,300 --> 00:42:33,031 Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce? 727 00:42:33,137 --> 00:42:35,765 I am a tool. Stewie is much better than me at everything... 728 00:42:35,874 --> 00:42:37,899 ...including arts and crafts and the guitar. 729 00:42:38,009 --> 00:42:40,034 I have no friends. 730 00:42:40,144 --> 00:42:43,773 - Glad you guys are joinin' me. - Did you guys see Three Men and a Baby? 731 00:42:43,882 --> 00:42:46,942 - Yeah. - There's a ghost in there behind the window. 732 00:42:47,051 --> 00:42:49,144 That's an urban legend. It's just a piece of cardboard. 733 00:42:49,254 --> 00:42:52,246 - No, it's a ghost. I heard. - You heard from who? 734 00:42:52,357 --> 00:42:54,348 - From, uh... Lois. - Yeah, right. 735 00:42:54,459 --> 00:42:56,427 - Cleveland? Death? - No. No. 736 00:42:56,527 --> 00:42:58,552 - Greased-up Deaf Guy? - He said that? 737 00:43:05,399 --> 00:43:07,765 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 738 00:43:10,170 --> 00:43:12,229 Ow! Damn it! 739 00:43:12,339 --> 00:43:14,501 - What are you doing? - Your knight was at king's rook six. 740 00:43:14,609 --> 00:43:17,669 No, my bishop was at king's rook six. My knight was at queen five. 741 00:43:17,779 --> 00:43:19,747 - No, no, no. It was- - Yes. Yes. 742 00:43:19,847 --> 00:43:21,872 No. In your dreams your knight was at queen five. 743 00:43:21,983 --> 00:43:23,951 - I was sitting right- - I saw right- 744 00:43:24,052 --> 00:43:26,020 - Yeah- - Oh! Look at that! Look at that! 745 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:28,088 Now your knight is at refrigerator five. 746 00:43:28,189 --> 00:43:31,022 - That's real mature. - Yeah, well, who comes out a winner? Me. 747 00:43:31,125 --> 00:43:35,494 Griffin once again. 748 00:43:35,596 --> 00:43:38,121 Undefeated champion of the world! 749 00:43:43,171 --> 00:43:45,867 You know, San Francisco is a big place. 750 00:43:45,973 --> 00:43:48,066 Have you thought about how you're gonna find this guy? 751 00:43:48,176 --> 00:43:50,770 Simple, Brian. Look at this. 752 00:43:52,280 --> 00:43:56,012 My God! This poor fellow had relations with Lois. 753 00:43:56,118 --> 00:43:58,678 That's more disgusting than my cousin Quark Griffin. 754 00:43:58,787 --> 00:44:03,349 I'm watching your every move, Quark, so don't think you can get away with any law-breaking. 755 00:44:03,459 --> 00:44:05,484 - Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man. - I mean it! 756 00:44:05,594 --> 00:44:07,824 - You'll have me to deal with. - Ooh! I'm really scared. 757 00:44:07,930 --> 00:44:10,398 I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive. 758 00:44:10,499 --> 00:44:12,399 Hey, here's an idea- 759 00:44:12,501 --> 00:44:15,402 Why don't you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about? 760 00:44:17,506 --> 00:44:21,499 Kids, your mother and I have decided we're gonna help you two get out in the dating world. 761 00:44:21,610 --> 00:44:23,168 That's right. 762 00:44:23,278 --> 00:44:26,179 Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man... 763 00:44:26,281 --> 00:44:28,181 ...who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat. 764 00:44:28,283 --> 00:44:31,184 - Why you gotta break balls? - Meg, when I get through with you... 765 00:44:31,286 --> 00:44:33,880 ...you're gonna be beatin' guys off with both hands. 766 00:44:33,989 --> 00:44:36,890 - This is gonna be so fun! - Hey! Zip it. 767 00:44:36,992 --> 00:44:41,487 Rule number one: No speakee until the man speakee to you. 768 00:44:45,435 --> 00:44:47,335 I say, are we moving on yet? 769 00:44:47,437 --> 00:44:49,871 Just hang out, little guy. I'll see you in a while. 770 00:44:49,973 --> 00:44:53,101 Oh, very well. I suppose I'll go pump the chemical toilet. 771 00:44:53,209 --> 00:44:55,643 Apparently you're about to do the same. 772 00:44:58,081 --> 00:45:00,572 What the hell is taking him so long? 773 00:45:00,683 --> 00:45:02,913 I'm missing precious time with my father. 774 00:45:03,019 --> 00:45:05,487 Which one of these is the horn? 775 00:45:05,588 --> 00:45:07,351 That's not it. 776 00:45:07,457 --> 00:45:09,254 That's not it either. 777 00:45:10,593 --> 00:45:13,892 - Do something. - I'm afraid to press anything else. 778 00:45:15,198 --> 00:45:17,928 Okay, Meg, lesson one for attracting a man. 779 00:45:18,034 --> 00:45:21,402 - I want you to shave my back. - Eew! Why would I want to do that? 780 00:45:21,505 --> 00:45:26,101 Trust me, Meg. Shave a man's back for him and he'll purr like a walrus. 781 00:45:30,948 --> 00:45:33,849 All right, Chris, now that we've talked about kissing and cuddling... 782 00:45:33,951 --> 00:45:36,681 ...it's time to practice eating out... 783 00:45:36,787 --> 00:45:38,812 ...at a fancy restaurant! 784 00:45:44,261 --> 00:45:46,286 All right, that's it. 785 00:45:46,397 --> 00:45:49,298 Listen, you pervert, what the devil is taking so lo- 786 00:45:49,400 --> 00:45:51,732 - Good lord! - Oh, Stewie. Thank God. 787 00:45:51,836 --> 00:45:54,498 That cleaning lady cleaned me out. She took all my money. 788 00:45:54,605 --> 00:45:56,630 Grab those keys over there, will ya? 789 00:45:56,740 --> 00:45:58,640 What, these keys? These keys here? 790 00:45:58,742 --> 00:46:00,573 These the ones you want? Hmm? 791 00:46:00,678 --> 00:46:02,510 Up yours! 792 00:46:06,718 --> 00:46:09,619 What the hell are you doing? Where's Quagmire? 793 00:46:09,721 --> 00:46:12,519 - He said to go without him. - We're stealing the Winnebago, aren't we? 794 00:46:12,624 --> 00:46:14,592 Oh, you can read me like a book, Brian. 795 00:46:14,693 --> 00:46:16,593 Breaker-breaker, Sidewinder. This is Party Pooper. 796 00:46:16,695 --> 00:46:18,595 Don't want to be a ratchet jaw... 797 00:46:18,697 --> 00:46:21,359 ...but looks like we've got a seat cover feeding the bears in a chicken coop, come on. 798 00:46:31,343 --> 00:46:33,243 Dad, why are we just sitting here? 799 00:46:33,345 --> 00:46:35,245 Just give me a minute, Meg. 800 00:46:35,347 --> 00:46:38,680 - What am I supposed to be learning about dating from... Ahh. 801 00:46:38,783 --> 00:46:41,183 Oh, my God, Dad! You farted! 802 00:46:41,286 --> 00:46:44,188 - That is so nasty! - No! No, no, Meg! 803 00:46:44,290 --> 00:46:46,190 Meg, this is crucial. All right? 804 00:46:46,292 --> 00:46:50,092 The sexiest thing a woman can do for a man is learn to love his gas. 805 00:46:50,196 --> 00:46:52,096 Love the gas, Meg. Love it! 806 00:46:54,200 --> 00:46:56,600 No, Meg! No, no! This is why we're here. 807 00:46:56,702 --> 00:46:59,102 This is why we're here. This is why we're here. 808 00:47:00,706 --> 00:47:03,607 Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls. 809 00:47:03,709 --> 00:47:08,043 So I'll ask you again: What are the names of the women on Sex and the City? 810 00:47:08,147 --> 00:47:11,139 Uh... Carrie... 811 00:47:11,250 --> 00:47:13,480 Miranda, uh... 812 00:47:13,586 --> 00:47:16,180 Samantha and... 813 00:47:16,289 --> 00:47:18,951 ...uh, Scrappy-Doo? 814 00:47:19,058 --> 00:47:21,219 - Hit him, Endo. - Aaah! Aaah! Aah! 815 00:47:21,327 --> 00:47:24,125 Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton? 816 00:47:24,230 --> 00:47:26,199 Aaah! Aaah! 817 00:47:27,801 --> 00:47:29,894 Think we should go back for Quagmire? 818 00:47:30,003 --> 00:47:32,130 He'll be all right. He's resourceful. 819 00:47:36,843 --> 00:47:39,209 Damn it! 820 00:47:40,547 --> 00:47:42,947 Yeah.! Okay.! Yeah.! 821 00:47:43,050 --> 00:47:45,951 That's it.! Again.! Yeah.! 822 00:47:47,921 --> 00:47:49,445 All right! 823 00:47:55,329 --> 00:47:57,229 - Are you all right? - Never better! 824 00:47:57,331 --> 00:48:00,232 I got some pep pills from a trucker at the last stop! 825 00:48:00,334 --> 00:48:02,427 - Keeps me awake! - You took pills? 826 00:48:02,536 --> 00:48:05,903 West coast turnarounds! Trucker said to only take one, but I took all of them! 827 00:48:06,006 --> 00:48:07,997 - Maybe you should slow down. - Why? We're making good time! 828 00:48:08,108 --> 00:48:10,009 - We're not even on the road! - Huh? 829 00:48:10,111 --> 00:48:12,511 - I said, we're not even on the road! - Don't need to be! 830 00:48:12,613 --> 00:48:14,410 Compass says west. That's where we're headed. 831 00:48:14,515 --> 00:48:16,915 - Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert. - I know! 832 00:48:17,018 --> 00:48:19,919 Imagine the nads on those guys who did this on a wagon! 833 00:48:20,021 --> 00:48:22,285 Pioneers, Brian! We share their spirit! Manifest Destiny! 834 00:48:22,390 --> 00:48:25,052 - All right, that's it. Give me the wheel. - Go to hell! 835 00:48:43,945 --> 00:48:46,846 This is horrible. 836 00:48:46,948 --> 00:48:50,612 - I'm so thirsty. - Oh, my God, Brian. Do you see what I see? 837 00:48:50,719 --> 00:48:52,880 A Dr. Pepper machine? 838 00:48:52,988 --> 00:48:54,819 Yes! Oh, I can taste it now! 839 00:49:03,766 --> 00:49:05,791 Damn it. It was a mirage. 840 00:49:05,901 --> 00:49:08,301 Oh, a RC Cola machine. 841 00:49:08,404 --> 00:49:10,804 - Oh, that's it! I give up! - What do you mean? 842 00:49:10,906 --> 00:49:13,807 I never should have attempted this in the first place. 843 00:49:13,909 --> 00:49:16,309 - It was stupid! - Hey, hey. Come on, now. 844 00:49:16,412 --> 00:49:19,313 - You've come this far. Haven't you? - It's no use! 845 00:49:19,415 --> 00:49:22,816 Even if my real father is out there, he probably doesn't want to see me. 846 00:49:24,920 --> 00:49:26,820 You gotta see this through to the end. 847 00:49:26,922 --> 00:49:29,322 Maybe this guy is your real father. Maybe not. 848 00:49:29,425 --> 00:49:32,657 But if you don't find out, you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering. 849 00:49:32,762 --> 00:49:34,662 Well, maybe you're right. 850 00:49:34,764 --> 00:49:37,062 Come on. I'll stick by you the whole way... 851 00:49:37,167 --> 00:49:39,567 ...just like I did when we were Siamese twins. 852 00:49:39,669 --> 00:49:43,036 Hey, look at that woman, Brian. She has no business in shorts. 853 00:49:43,139 --> 00:49:45,505 Hey! You have no business in shorts! 854 00:49:45,608 --> 00:49:48,236 Ooh, tortillas! Let's do soft tacos tonight. 855 00:49:51,247 --> 00:49:54,148 Well, we've taught you well, children. It's in God's hands now. 856 00:49:54,250 --> 00:49:56,684 Now go to the mall and find yourself some dates. 857 00:49:56,786 --> 00:50:00,153 Find a girl who smokes. Remember, if she smokes, she pokes. 858 00:50:00,256 --> 00:50:02,156 Bye, kids. 859 00:50:02,258 --> 00:50:04,692 - Do you think they're ready, Peter? - I don't care. 860 00:50:04,794 --> 00:50:08,252 - All I care about is that we have our alone time. - Me too. 861 00:50:08,364 --> 00:50:11,891 - Are we terrible people? - Nah, nah. We're not terrible people, Lois. 862 00:50:12,001 --> 00:50:13,969 Horses are terrible people. 863 00:50:16,073 --> 00:50:18,064 Murder! Murder! 864 00:50:25,015 --> 00:50:27,210 Well, we made it. San Francisco. 865 00:50:27,318 --> 00:50:29,718 I bet this city's filled with kooky roommates... 866 00:50:29,820 --> 00:50:31,981 ...like the kind you see all living together on TV. 867 00:50:34,592 --> 00:50:37,493 - Hey, Lion-O, what's going on? - I'm not sure, Cheetara. 868 00:50:37,595 --> 00:50:40,496 But I've got a bad feeling Mumm-Ra's up to something. 869 00:50:40,598 --> 00:50:43,761 Hmm. I'll be right back. I'm gonna use the john. 870 00:50:43,868 --> 00:50:47,531 Eye of Thundera, give me sight beyond sight. 871 00:50:49,740 --> 00:50:53,232 Lion-O, what are you doing? Snarf! Snarf! 872 00:50:53,344 --> 00:50:56,245 Oh, hey, uh- Not much, not much. 873 00:50:56,347 --> 00:50:59,283 You want to get wasted or something? 874 00:51:06,158 --> 00:51:08,888 Let's split up and try to find him. 875 00:51:12,497 --> 00:51:15,898 Yeah, I just checked in. Yeah, I might lose you. I just got in the elevator. 876 00:51:16,001 --> 00:51:18,231 Yeah, I'm gonna grab a shower. 877 00:51:18,336 --> 00:51:20,896 D- Did you guys eat yet? 878 00:51:21,006 --> 00:51:23,907 No- No, I'll- No, I'll just take a cab. 879 00:51:24,009 --> 00:51:25,909 You got your car? 880 00:51:26,011 --> 00:51:28,036 Do you wanna pick me up? 881 00:51:28,146 --> 00:51:31,047 Do you- Do you wanna- Do you wanna pick me up? 882 00:51:31,149 --> 00:51:33,049 Do you wanna pick me up? 883 00:51:33,151 --> 00:51:35,915 Do you wanna pick me up? Do you wanna pick me up? 884 00:51:43,563 --> 00:51:46,054 Father! 885 00:51:59,845 --> 00:52:02,678 Aah! Utedi.! Utedi.! 886 00:52:02,782 --> 00:52:04,750 Filthy creatures. 887 00:52:22,169 --> 00:52:24,069 Whoa-ohh! 888 00:52:24,171 --> 00:52:26,571 Damn! Why is there always a fruit stand? 889 00:52:26,673 --> 00:52:28,573 High-speed pursuit in progress... 890 00:52:28,675 --> 00:52:30,575 ...headed south on Powell toward Market Street. 891 00:52:30,677 --> 00:52:33,475 You heard him, people. Powell and Market. Move it! 892 00:52:35,616 --> 00:52:38,517 I feel like I've searched this whole bloody city. 893 00:52:38,619 --> 00:52:42,020 I suppose this means I'll never find the answer to who I really am. 894 00:52:42,122 --> 00:52:44,022 Oh, well. See you gents later. 895 00:52:44,124 --> 00:52:46,024 Free Tibet. No grapes. All that. 896 00:52:46,126 --> 00:52:49,357 Dude, I could have sworn that Nerf football was just talkin' to me. 897 00:52:52,132 --> 00:52:54,862 - Are you done with the arts section? - Of course. 898 00:52:56,637 --> 00:52:59,197 - Oh, my God! - Oh, dear. 899 00:52:59,306 --> 00:53:01,206 Oh, dear, oh, dear. This is not good. 900 00:53:01,308 --> 00:53:03,208 This is very bad. Very bad. 901 00:53:03,310 --> 00:53:06,872 Oh, Daddy, I knew I'd find you! I knew Peter couldn't be my real father! 902 00:53:06,981 --> 00:53:09,313 No, no, no. You've gotten it all wrong, Stewie. 903 00:53:09,417 --> 00:53:11,385 Stewie? How do you know my name? 904 00:53:11,486 --> 00:53:14,216 Because I'm not your father. I'm you. 905 00:53:18,226 --> 00:53:20,126 What the hell is this? 906 00:53:20,228 --> 00:53:23,129 Looks like an intermission, a chance to stretch the legs. 907 00:53:23,231 --> 00:53:25,631 Oh, man, I peed in this cup for nothin'? 908 00:53:25,733 --> 00:53:28,133 Dad, I just kicked over your Coke. 909 00:53:28,236 --> 00:53:31,637 I look atrocious.! Did you see my ass? Oh, my God.! 910 00:53:31,739 --> 00:53:35,004 This stinks.! I can't believe they cut my whole sex scene.! 911 00:53:35,109 --> 00:53:37,009 It was so tastefully done.! 912 00:53:37,111 --> 00:53:40,012 Peter, could you go to the concession stand? I want something to suck on. 913 00:53:40,114 --> 00:53:42,014 Giggedy-giggedy.! 914 00:53:42,116 --> 00:53:45,517 Hey, Quagmire, you think we got time to go outside and burn one? 915 00:53:45,621 --> 00:53:48,021 It's not over yet? How long is this thing? 916 00:53:48,123 --> 00:53:52,025 Chris, do you have a shower scene? Or do I have to keep dreamin'? 917 00:53:52,127 --> 00:53:54,027 Mmm. 918 00:53:54,129 --> 00:53:55,892 All right, we're back. 919 00:53:59,868 --> 00:54:01,699 You're me from the future? That's absurd. 920 00:54:01,804 --> 00:54:03,704 I'm afraid it's true, Stewie. 921 00:54:03,806 --> 00:54:06,206 I'm the man you dreamed you'd be when you were alone in your bedroom... 922 00:54:06,308 --> 00:54:09,300 ...planning world domination and singing Donna Summer into your hairbrush. 923 00:54:09,411 --> 00:54:11,902 � Tell him to just get out � 924 00:54:12,014 --> 00:54:14,574 � Nothin' left to talk about � 925 00:54:14,683 --> 00:54:17,379 � Pack his raincoat Show him out � 926 00:54:17,486 --> 00:54:21,252 �Just look him in the eyes and simply shout � 927 00:54:21,357 --> 00:54:23,348 � Enough is enough Is enough � 928 00:54:23,459 --> 00:54:27,418 � I can't go on I can't go on no more now � 929 00:54:27,529 --> 00:54:29,293 � Enough is enough Is enough � 930 00:54:29,399 --> 00:54:33,665 � I want him out I want him out that door now �� 931 00:54:33,770 --> 00:54:35,670 It is you- Uh, me! 932 00:54:35,772 --> 00:54:39,299 Oh, God, I have to many questions about the future. Is all food in pill form? 933 00:54:39,409 --> 00:54:43,539 Do they have flying cars? Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne? 934 00:54:43,646 --> 00:54:46,547 I can't answer those questions. I'm not even supposed to be talking to you. 935 00:54:46,649 --> 00:54:49,516 - It's a violation of the terms of my vacation. - Vacation? 936 00:54:49,619 --> 00:54:54,056 Yes. In the future, people take vacations not to destinations, but to periods of time. 937 00:54:54,157 --> 00:54:56,819 Just last summer I went back to visitJesus Christ. 938 00:54:56,926 --> 00:54:59,827 Turns out his abilities might have been exaggerated a bit. 939 00:55:20,818 --> 00:55:23,878 I've already said enough. I should be getting back. 940 00:55:23,988 --> 00:55:26,388 You can't just leave me. I must know my future. 941 00:55:26,490 --> 00:55:29,891 Sorry. It's against the rules. Good-bye, Stewie. 942 00:55:29,994 --> 00:55:32,053 Surprise! 943 00:55:33,164 --> 00:55:35,064 Oh, this is just great. 944 00:55:35,166 --> 00:55:37,396 I can't believe it! This is the future- 945 00:55:37,501 --> 00:55:39,594 Wait a minute. Everything looks the same. 946 00:55:39,703 --> 00:55:42,331 - Well, of course. It's only been 30 years. - Where are the monuments to me? 947 00:55:42,440 --> 00:55:44,340 Where are my legions of followers? 948 00:55:44,442 --> 00:55:48,606 I thought I'd be absolute ruler of the world by now, far away from that house full of idiots. 949 00:56:01,026 --> 00:56:03,927 Sorry, Stewie. I abandoned my quest for world domination long ago. 950 00:56:04,029 --> 00:56:06,930 Well, am I at least a city councilman or something? 951 00:56:07,032 --> 00:56:09,432 - Sorry. - Oh, this is nothing like I imagined. 952 00:56:09,534 --> 00:56:11,434 I thought the future would be different... 953 00:56:11,536 --> 00:56:14,596 ...with jet packs, eco-domes and TV they can beam right into your head. 954 00:56:14,706 --> 00:56:16,606 Uh, give me Mork and Mindy. 955 00:56:17,876 --> 00:56:21,107 That's not how you sit in a chair! 956 00:56:22,714 --> 00:56:24,614 I'm late to Sunday dinner with the family. 957 00:56:24,716 --> 00:56:27,617 You'll have to wait in the car until I can send you back. 958 00:56:27,719 --> 00:56:30,119 Wait in the car? I shall do no such thing. 959 00:56:30,222 --> 00:56:32,918 - Hey, did they ever unfreeze Walt Disney? - Ugh. Unfortunately. 960 00:56:33,024 --> 00:56:34,549 Welcome back, Mr. Disney. 961 00:56:34,660 --> 00:56:36,560 - Are theJews gone yet? - Uh, no. 962 00:56:36,662 --> 00:56:38,527 Put me back in. 963 00:56:40,566 --> 00:56:43,467 Put some pants on. The kids'll be here any minute. 964 00:56:43,569 --> 00:56:47,061 In a second, Lois. I'm watching the Britney Spears comeback concert. 965 00:56:47,173 --> 00:56:48,663 Hi, everybody! 966 00:56:48,774 --> 00:56:51,368 I may have lost a foot to diabetes... 967 00:56:51,477 --> 00:56:53,877 ...but I'm still sexy, y'all! 968 00:56:53,980 --> 00:56:56,141 Now I'm gonna dance for ya! 969 00:57:08,194 --> 00:57:11,357 - Oh, Stew. My big boy. - Hello, Mother! 970 00:57:11,464 --> 00:57:14,900 She's still alive? What the hell, man? 971 00:57:15,001 --> 00:57:16,902 I brought a guest. 972 00:57:17,004 --> 00:57:20,770 This is, um, uh, Pablo, a child from Nicaragua I've been sponsoring. 973 00:57:20,874 --> 00:57:22,842 My! How wonderful! 974 00:57:22,943 --> 00:57:24,467 Me gusta Nicaragua. 975 00:57:24,578 --> 00:57:27,012 Mmm, yes. Is that where you got that leather handbag? 976 00:57:27,114 --> 00:57:30,447 Oh, I'm sorry. That's your face! Ha ha! Oh! Got you! 977 00:57:30,551 --> 00:57:33,452 Thirty years later, I still freaking got you! 978 00:57:33,554 --> 00:57:37,422 Oh, God! I feel as invincible as Superman. 979 00:57:38,525 --> 00:57:40,425 Hey there, Wonder Woman. 980 00:57:40,527 --> 00:57:42,427 Flying your invisible plane, I see. 981 00:57:42,529 --> 00:57:44,793 Boy, this is awkward. 982 00:57:44,898 --> 00:57:48,425 I'm- I'm, uh, actually in the lavatory of the invisible plane. 983 00:57:48,535 --> 00:57:51,766 - Oh. You mean, right now you're- - Yeah. 984 00:57:57,511 --> 00:58:02,313 I couldn't help but notice you didn't wash your hands in the invisible sink. 985 00:58:02,417 --> 00:58:04,317 Hi, everybody. Sorry we're late. 986 00:58:04,419 --> 00:58:07,183 Stop fuckin' apologizing. You sound like a fuckin' woman. 987 00:58:07,288 --> 00:58:09,882 I suppose one of you has to. 988 00:58:09,991 --> 00:58:13,188 - Oh, what a nice blouse, Vanessa. - Chris's wife. 989 00:58:13,294 --> 00:58:16,024 Oh, thanks. I'm not sure my tiny brain could've put that one together. 990 00:58:16,130 --> 00:58:19,657 Mom, I notice your hedges are pushing out onto the curb, and that's a violation. 991 00:58:19,767 --> 00:58:22,668 And your tags are expired, and one of your taillights is busted. 992 00:58:22,770 --> 00:58:26,672 I'm not gonna run you in, but I will if you don't give me a cookie.! 993 00:58:26,774 --> 00:58:29,174 - Here you go, sweetie. - Yea! 994 00:58:29,277 --> 00:58:32,041 Yeah, that's what that fat pig needs- a fuckin' cookie. 995 00:58:32,146 --> 00:58:34,910 Hi, Vanessa. Well, don't you look nice- 996 00:58:35,016 --> 00:58:37,917 Oh, no! I broke my hip! 997 00:58:38,019 --> 00:58:40,180 - You need some help, Dad? - No, I'm good. 998 00:58:40,288 --> 00:58:42,917 Oh, are these the pictures from your trip to Sonoma? 999 00:58:43,025 --> 00:58:46,927 Oh, my God! Oh, look how beautiful the countryside is. 1000 00:58:47,029 --> 00:58:50,692 Oh, I'd love to get a house out there if I had the money! 1001 00:58:50,799 --> 00:58:55,532 That was a swell vacation. Much better than that time I was stuck on that island with Bono. 1002 00:58:56,639 --> 00:58:58,539 Bono, stop screwin' around... 1003 00:58:58,641 --> 00:59:00,472 ...and open up that damn crate of food. 1004 00:59:00,576 --> 00:59:03,636 I'm saving this for the starvin' children of the world in case we get rescued. 1005 00:59:03,746 --> 00:59:06,647 Yeah, you know what? That's us. We're starvin'. Now open it up! 1006 00:59:06,749 --> 00:59:10,207 - I can't do that, Peter. It's for the starvin' children. 1007 00:59:14,623 --> 00:59:16,523 Aha! 1008 00:59:16,625 --> 00:59:19,594 I'm just makin' sure it tastes good for the starvin' children. 1009 00:59:22,631 --> 00:59:24,327 Knock knock. 1010 00:59:24,434 --> 00:59:27,335 - Oh, hi, Ron. - Who is that fellow? He looks so familiar. 1011 00:59:27,437 --> 00:59:29,837 It's Meg. She had a sex change right after college. 1012 00:59:29,939 --> 00:59:31,839 Wow! She went to college? 1013 00:59:31,941 --> 00:59:34,842 I can't stay too late. I gotta go shop for a razor. 1014 00:59:34,944 --> 00:59:37,742 You know, for my face, where I grow my beard. 1015 00:59:37,847 --> 00:59:39,712 We get it. You're a guy. 1016 00:59:41,818 --> 00:59:45,219 - What is this one, my prom? - Oh, yes. That's Shirley Blitt. 1017 00:59:45,321 --> 00:59:49,087 We couldn't do any dancing because of her club foot, but the punch was delicious. 1018 00:59:49,192 --> 00:59:51,456 I think somebody put mango in it. 1019 00:59:51,561 --> 00:59:54,462 Isn't it funny that I remember that after all these years? 1020 00:59:56,166 --> 00:59:59,397 Well, there he is. 1021 00:59:59,502 --> 01:00:01,402 Oh, this is fantastic! 1022 01:00:01,504 --> 01:00:03,665 That's not really appropriate, Stewie. 1023 01:00:03,773 --> 01:00:06,675 Oh, of course it is. I loathed that know-it-all, flea-bitten mutt. 1024 01:00:06,777 --> 01:00:10,440 No, it's just that the meaning of that word has changed ever since President Douchebag. 1025 01:00:10,548 --> 01:00:12,243 Thank you! 1026 01:00:12,349 --> 01:00:15,910 I just received a call from my worthy opponent, Senator Daterape. 1027 01:00:16,020 --> 01:00:19,421 No, no. He ran a good campaign... 1028 01:00:19,523 --> 01:00:21,923 ...but the people of America have spoken... 1029 01:00:22,026 --> 01:00:25,985 ...and they're saying they want four more years of Douchebag! 1030 01:00:26,097 --> 01:00:29,589 Douchebag! Douchebag! Douchebag! Douchebag! 1031 01:00:32,703 --> 01:00:35,137 That is some fuckin' good dinner, Mrs. Griffin. 1032 01:00:35,239 --> 01:00:37,400 Thank you. 1033 01:00:37,508 --> 01:00:40,409 Excuse me. I'm gonna go help Peter with the dishes. 1034 01:00:40,511 --> 01:00:42,411 Ron, Stu, I need your help. 1035 01:00:42,513 --> 01:00:45,914 I need you two to tell those parents of yours they're moving into a retirement home... 1036 01:00:46,016 --> 01:00:48,918 'cause Mr. Empty Sac over here won't do it. 1037 01:00:49,020 --> 01:00:52,387 Stu, you don't want Mom and Dad to go to a retirement home, do you? 1038 01:00:52,491 --> 01:00:54,789 Well, u-uh, it's, uh- 1039 01:00:54,893 --> 01:00:57,794 I- Stu, could you help me with the dishes? 1040 01:00:57,896 --> 01:00:59,796 Be right there, Mother! 1041 01:00:59,898 --> 01:01:03,129 Actually, Vanessa- Stu, I need your help! There are dishes everywhere! 1042 01:01:03,235 --> 01:01:05,135 Oh, sorry. Must go. 1043 01:01:05,237 --> 01:01:07,899 Well, I can't do it to 'em. They're my parents. 1044 01:01:08,006 --> 01:01:10,566 Don't you ever want to inherit this house, you fat fuck? 1045 01:01:10,675 --> 01:01:14,111 Or am I the only one who has any desire to move out from under the fucking power lines? 1046 01:01:14,212 --> 01:01:16,112 What's that? Oh, it's cancer! 1047 01:01:16,214 --> 01:01:19,274 Can we please not do this in front of Pablo? 1048 01:01:19,384 --> 01:01:21,716 Ah, screw him! That fuckin' kid's from Guam. 1049 01:01:21,820 --> 01:01:23,720 Probably only speaks Spanish or some shit. 1050 01:01:23,822 --> 01:01:26,950 Let me tell you something, 'Nessa- a bullet sounds the same in every language. 1051 01:01:27,058 --> 01:01:29,527 So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow! 1052 01:01:31,898 --> 01:01:35,800 You can crash at my place tonight, but tomorrow we're going to get you back home. 1053 01:01:35,902 --> 01:01:38,336 Well, welcome to Chez Stu. 1054 01:01:39,372 --> 01:01:41,237 Dear God, this is where I live? 1055 01:01:41,340 --> 01:01:44,776 - All alone in a filthy hovel? - Well, I wouldn't exactly say "alone. " 1056 01:01:44,877 --> 01:01:47,107 Let me introduce my roommate. 1057 01:01:47,213 --> 01:01:49,113 He's sometimes late on the rent... 1058 01:01:49,215 --> 01:01:52,343 ...and never shy about sharing the gas bill, if you know what I mean. 1059 01:01:52,451 --> 01:01:54,817 Did you just make a fart joke? 1060 01:01:54,921 --> 01:01:56,821 Hey, Stu, got big plans for tonight? 1061 01:01:56,923 --> 01:01:59,790 Sure do, Rupert. I'm finally going to organize my photo albums. 1062 01:01:59,892 --> 01:02:01,723 Yeah, right! 1063 01:02:01,828 --> 01:02:04,956 I say, what happened to his leg? Oh, wait, now I remember. 1064 01:02:05,064 --> 01:02:08,625 You are gonna sit there and tell me a flat tax doesn't favor the wealthy? 1065 01:02:08,734 --> 01:02:11,134 Not one bit, and it saves millions of man-hours... 1066 01:02:11,237 --> 01:02:13,638 ...that the complexity of the current tax code wastes... 1067 01:02:13,740 --> 01:02:16,140 ...which you would realize if you weren't retarded. 1068 01:02:16,243 --> 01:02:18,302 Hey, give him back. Stop that. What are you doing? 1069 01:02:18,412 --> 01:02:20,937 - Give me back his leg. - Oh, you'll get it back. 1070 01:02:23,884 --> 01:02:27,513 This is my bulletin board where I put all my favorite comic strips. 1071 01:02:27,621 --> 01:02:29,521 See, look. Here's the Lockhorns. 1072 01:02:29,623 --> 01:02:33,354 Mrs. Lockhorn is saying, "We're never going to another yard sale," 1073 01:02:33,460 --> 01:02:36,361 ...because Mr. Lockhorn has clearly purchased a tuba! 1074 01:02:36,463 --> 01:02:38,863 And from the look on her face... 1075 01:02:38,966 --> 01:02:41,867 I'd say he's not playing it very well at all. 1076 01:02:41,969 --> 01:02:43,903 You get it? 1077 01:02:44,004 --> 01:02:46,404 You got these from Parade magazine? 1078 01:02:46,506 --> 01:02:49,964 You read Parade magazine? Ohhh! 1079 01:02:50,077 --> 01:02:54,879 Hey, Stu! It's Monday, which can only mean one thing! 1080 01:02:54,983 --> 01:02:58,009 Go-Gurt Day! 1081 01:02:58,119 --> 01:03:00,019 Oh, Fran, this is Pablo from Nicaragua. 1082 01:03:00,121 --> 01:03:03,579 Pablo, this is Fran. She is hilarious.! 1083 01:03:03,691 --> 01:03:07,024 Hey, Pablo. Just kiddin'! 1084 01:03:07,128 --> 01:03:09,494 I told you! She's so twisted! 1085 01:03:09,597 --> 01:03:11,997 Well, I'd better get back to my department... 1086 01:03:12,100 --> 01:03:14,591 ...before Genghis the day manager makes his rounds. 1087 01:03:14,702 --> 01:03:18,194 Genghis the day mana- Is that from something, or did you just make that up? 1088 01:03:18,306 --> 01:03:20,206 - I just made it up! - Oh-ho-ho! 1089 01:03:20,308 --> 01:03:22,572 Oh! All day long. 1090 01:03:22,677 --> 01:03:25,237 - Well, I guess it's not all bad. - What do you mean? 1091 01:03:25,346 --> 01:03:28,247 Don't be coy, you dirty horndog. You're humping Fran. 1092 01:03:28,349 --> 01:03:31,750 Tell me, how many times have we gotten into those Lane Bryant stretch pants? 1093 01:03:31,853 --> 01:03:34,754 - What? Never. - Damn right, never- What do you mean, never? 1094 01:03:34,856 --> 01:03:37,758 Stewie, I've never slept with any woman. 1095 01:03:37,860 --> 01:03:39,828 I've never had sex. 1096 01:03:41,030 --> 01:03:42,930 All right, that's it! 1097 01:03:43,032 --> 01:03:45,933 I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job. 1098 01:03:46,035 --> 01:03:49,436 But now you're telling me I'm a 35-year-old, Parade magazine-reading virgin? 1099 01:03:49,538 --> 01:03:51,438 Well, you, sir, are pathetic! 1100 01:03:51,540 --> 01:03:54,941 So forget about sending me back, because I'm not leaving until we do a complete overhaul... 1101 01:03:55,044 --> 01:03:57,444 ...on this sad thing you call a life. 1102 01:03:57,546 --> 01:03:59,844 - Can I still read Parade? - No, you cannot still read Parade! 1103 01:04:03,152 --> 01:04:06,053 We've got a big day of overhauling your life ahead. 1104 01:04:06,155 --> 01:04:08,555 First we've got to fix up this apartment- Stop that. 1105 01:04:08,657 --> 01:04:10,557 - What? - Why are you staring at my genitals? 1106 01:04:10,659 --> 01:04:13,389 I'm not allowed to tell you anything about your own future, but I will say this- 1107 01:04:13,495 --> 01:04:15,395 Enjoy your left testicle while you can. 1108 01:04:15,497 --> 01:04:17,397 - What? - I've said too much. 1109 01:04:19,336 --> 01:04:20,963 So, what do you think? 1110 01:04:21,071 --> 01:04:24,404 I've got to hand it to you. It really is an improvement. 1111 01:04:24,507 --> 01:04:26,907 And you haven't even seen the best part. 1112 01:04:27,010 --> 01:04:29,501 Stress-release candles for those extra-tough days at the office. 1113 01:04:29,612 --> 01:04:33,048 You don't know the half of it. On Tuesdays I work Returns. 1114 01:04:33,149 --> 01:04:36,744 I bought this boom box here, and it's got this high-pitched whine. 1115 01:04:36,853 --> 01:04:38,912 Well, let's have a look. 1116 01:04:39,022 --> 01:04:41,616 Ha-ha! It's yours now, sucker! 1117 01:04:41,725 --> 01:04:45,388 All right, now that you've got a swinging pad, it's time to bring Fran back here... 1118 01:04:45,495 --> 01:04:47,725 ...and, um, you know. 1119 01:04:48,798 --> 01:04:50,698 - What? - Well, I have no idea. 1120 01:04:50,800 --> 01:04:53,200 - I thought you knew. - No, I have no idea. 1121 01:04:53,303 --> 01:04:56,204 You're the adult here. I was counting on you to know the mechanics, because- 1122 01:04:56,306 --> 01:04:59,742 Well, let's face it, as a baby all I've got to go on is beer commercial innuendo... 1123 01:04:59,843 --> 01:05:01,812 ...and that myth about where babies come from. 1124 01:05:03,814 --> 01:05:06,078 Oh, my God! The stork! 1125 01:05:10,488 --> 01:05:12,388 Where's my baby? 1126 01:05:12,490 --> 01:05:15,391 Sweetie, you and me are gonna make the baby. 1127 01:05:20,331 --> 01:05:22,231 Which Law and Order is this? 1128 01:05:22,333 --> 01:05:25,894 This is Law and Order: P.C.A.M.P.I.E.O.F. T.D. - 1129 01:05:26,003 --> 01:05:29,564 Petty Crimes Against Municipal Property In Excess of Five Thousand Dollars. 1130 01:05:29,673 --> 01:05:31,573 Oh, that kid's spraying graffiti. 1131 01:05:31,675 --> 01:05:34,235 That is not gonna be cheap to have that wall repainted. 1132 01:05:34,345 --> 01:05:36,245 Kids, what are you doing here? 1133 01:05:36,347 --> 01:05:39,908 Mom, Dad, Vanessa wants us to put you guys in a retirement home. 1134 01:05:40,017 --> 01:05:41,917 But I think it's ridiculous. 1135 01:05:42,019 --> 01:05:43,920 A retirement home? 1136 01:05:44,022 --> 01:05:46,456 Now, Vanessa says it's not that bad, Mom. 1137 01:05:46,558 --> 01:05:49,288 She says they have people there who will wipe your bottom. 1138 01:05:49,394 --> 01:05:51,726 You gotta be yankin' me. That is sweet! 1139 01:05:51,830 --> 01:05:53,730 That doesn't sound ridiculous at all, Meg. 1140 01:05:53,832 --> 01:05:55,993 My name is Ron. 1141 01:05:56,101 --> 01:06:00,299 Oh, I wish Brian were here. He'd never let you put us in a home. 1142 01:06:00,405 --> 01:06:03,306 Oh, but at least he's in a better place now. 1143 01:06:03,408 --> 01:06:05,308 Wow, look at me. 1144 01:06:05,410 --> 01:06:08,811 Hanging out drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. 1145 01:06:08,914 --> 01:06:12,315 Still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have. 1146 01:06:12,417 --> 01:06:16,547 Well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself. 1147 01:06:16,655 --> 01:06:18,555 I could not reconcile my passion... 1148 01:06:18,657 --> 01:06:22,058 ...with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself. 1149 01:06:22,160 --> 01:06:25,062 I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism... 1150 01:06:25,164 --> 01:06:27,064 ...so I shot myself. 1151 01:06:27,166 --> 01:06:30,795 Yeah, I, uh, I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate. 1152 01:06:34,507 --> 01:06:36,407 My word! 1153 01:06:36,509 --> 01:06:39,910 Yes, evidently the razor wasn't invented till sometime in the late '80s. 1154 01:06:40,012 --> 01:06:41,912 Okay, then let's begin. 1155 01:06:42,014 --> 01:06:44,414 And here we go. And watch my hand. And one, two, three. 1156 01:06:44,517 --> 01:06:47,509 Put it in, take it out. Put it in, take it out. 1157 01:06:47,620 --> 01:06:49,281 � I am the monarch of the sea � 1158 01:06:49,388 --> 01:06:51,151 � The ruler of the queen's navy � 1159 01:06:51,257 --> 01:06:52,918 � Whose praise Great Britain loudly chants � 1160 01:06:53,025 --> 01:06:54,788 � And we are his sisters and his cousins and his aunts �� 1161 01:06:54,894 --> 01:06:59,160 Good, you've got the rhythm. Now try it with Swiss cheese. Take it from the top. 1162 01:07:08,208 --> 01:07:10,108 I really enjoyed the movie tonight. 1163 01:07:10,210 --> 01:07:13,111 - And I'm not tired at all. - Oh, yeah? Good, good. 1164 01:07:13,213 --> 01:07:15,181 I enjoyed the movie too. 1165 01:07:16,817 --> 01:07:20,344 Oh, hey, I hear they're extending our store hours until 9:30. 1166 01:07:20,454 --> 01:07:22,354 Oh, that's, um- 1167 01:07:22,456 --> 01:07:24,356 ...that's great. 1168 01:07:24,458 --> 01:07:26,016 - Let's have sex! - What? - Definitely! 1169 01:07:26,126 --> 01:07:27,718 I'll be right back. 1170 01:07:27,828 --> 01:07:31,229 - What is wrong with you? I can't go through with this. - Why the hell not? 1171 01:07:31,331 --> 01:07:33,231 L- I-I'm too nervous. 1172 01:07:33,333 --> 01:07:35,233 I'm putting in my diaphragm.! 1173 01:07:35,335 --> 01:07:38,236 - See? I don't even know what that is. - Get in there! 1174 01:07:38,338 --> 01:07:40,238 - No! No! - You listen to me. 1175 01:07:40,340 --> 01:07:42,240 You listen to me, Stewart Griffin. 1176 01:07:42,342 --> 01:07:44,242 You march in there right now and... 1177 01:07:44,344 --> 01:07:46,505 "insert your phallus into her vagina. " 1178 01:07:46,613 --> 01:07:48,581 Go! 1179 01:07:51,719 --> 01:07:54,119 L- I'm sorry. That's, um- 1180 01:07:54,222 --> 01:07:56,122 That's never happened to me before. 1181 01:07:56,224 --> 01:08:00,126 Which part? The eight seconds of sex, or the 40 minutes of crying? 1182 01:08:00,228 --> 01:08:02,128 Uh, I guess both. 1183 01:08:03,398 --> 01:08:06,299 Do I- Do I give you money or something? 1184 01:08:06,401 --> 01:08:08,369 Yeah, I'm gonna go. 1185 01:08:11,472 --> 01:08:14,373 Eight seconds! That's twice as good as you did in rehearsal. 1186 01:08:14,475 --> 01:08:18,377 Stu, I heard from Juan in Car Stereo Installation about what you did to Fran. 1187 01:08:18,479 --> 01:08:20,379 Interoffice sex is prohibited... 1188 01:08:20,481 --> 01:08:23,541 ...regardless of how hilariously brief and unsatisfying it was. 1189 01:08:23,651 --> 01:08:25,551 You're fired. 1190 01:08:25,653 --> 01:08:28,554 - Fired? Oh, this is not good. - Oh, dear. 1191 01:08:28,656 --> 01:08:33,458 This is almost as bad as when Peter got fired as the first director of Terms of Endearment. 1192 01:08:33,562 --> 01:08:35,962 Kids, I don't have much time left... 1193 01:08:36,065 --> 01:08:38,966 ...and I can't talk for too long 'cause I get real upset. 1194 01:08:39,068 --> 01:08:41,468 I want you to make a lot of friends... 1195 01:08:41,570 --> 01:08:45,472 ...and be real nice to the girls- They're gonna be real important to you after I'm gone. 1196 01:08:45,574 --> 01:08:47,542 Sweet. 1197 01:08:51,180 --> 01:08:54,081 Oh, cheer up. You didn't need that crappy job anyway. 1198 01:08:54,183 --> 01:08:57,243 You are not allowed to speak. You have ruined everything! 1199 01:08:57,353 --> 01:09:01,255 Nice. I donate my time trying to fix your pathetic life, and this is the thanks I get? 1200 01:09:01,357 --> 01:09:04,258 Well, it's not the first gift that's ever gone unappreciated. 1201 01:09:04,360 --> 01:09:06,260 Merry Christmas, sweetheart. 1202 01:09:06,362 --> 01:09:08,762 Oh, Peter, thank you! 1203 01:09:08,864 --> 01:09:12,197 An arcade-style Galaga machine. 1204 01:09:12,301 --> 01:09:14,202 Oh, thank you, Peter- 1205 01:09:14,304 --> 01:09:16,898 Move! 1206 01:09:17,007 --> 01:09:20,408 Look, all right, I'll admit that maybe things haven't gone exactly to plan. 1207 01:09:20,510 --> 01:09:23,411 We'll go home and regroup and hit 'em hard tomorrow. 1208 01:09:23,513 --> 01:09:25,674 Good lord! My apartment! 1209 01:09:27,784 --> 01:09:30,981 Looks like the cause of the fire were these stress-release candles. 1210 01:09:31,087 --> 01:09:33,647 Huh! � Irony � 1211 01:09:39,963 --> 01:09:42,864 I don't know, Peter. This place is pretty depressing. 1212 01:09:42,966 --> 01:09:45,867 What are you talking about? It's just like old times. Hey, Cleveland. 1213 01:09:45,969 --> 01:09:49,564 Hello... 1214 01:09:49,673 --> 01:09:52,039 Peter. 1215 01:09:52,142 --> 01:09:54,042 Hey, Joe, how are things since the operation? 1216 01:09:54,144 --> 01:09:56,545 Oh, great, Peter. 1217 01:09:56,647 --> 01:09:59,810 Who would have guessed I'd be one of the few not in a wheelchair? 1218 01:09:59,917 --> 01:10:01,817 I sure do miss Bonnie though. 1219 01:10:01,919 --> 01:10:04,149 It's amazing they were able to give you her legs. 1220 01:10:04,255 --> 01:10:08,089 � Who wears short shorts � I wear short shorts! 1221 01:10:08,192 --> 01:10:10,456 Hey, Glenn. How's the arthritis? 1222 01:10:10,561 --> 01:10:13,462 Ah, not bad. Course, since you walked in I'm feelin' a little stiff! 1223 01:10:13,564 --> 01:10:16,465 Giggedy-gigg- Oh! I just pooped a little. 1224 01:10:16,567 --> 01:10:20,401 Oh, that's nasty. 1225 01:10:22,273 --> 01:10:25,674 Um, hey, you know what I do when I'm feeling down? 1226 01:10:25,776 --> 01:10:27,676 I play the glad game. 1227 01:10:27,778 --> 01:10:31,179 I think about all the things that make me glad. Let's try it, shall we? 1228 01:10:31,282 --> 01:10:34,183 Um... Pinwheels. 1229 01:10:34,285 --> 01:10:37,311 A big wedge of cake from the fair. 1230 01:10:38,490 --> 01:10:41,425 A doodad to wear in your hat. 1231 01:10:42,561 --> 01:10:44,961 All right, I'm sorry. It's all my fault. 1232 01:10:45,063 --> 01:10:46,963 No, it's my fault. 1233 01:10:47,065 --> 01:10:49,590 My whole life's been a mess ever since that near-death experience. 1234 01:10:49,701 --> 01:10:52,101 - I mean, nothing goes right- - Wait, wait, wait. 1235 01:10:52,204 --> 01:10:55,105 Near-death experience? At the community pool? 1236 01:10:55,207 --> 01:10:58,108 - But that was nothing. - Well, that's what I thought at first. 1237 01:10:58,210 --> 01:11:01,509 But around the time of my 20th birthday I started having nightmares. 1238 01:11:01,613 --> 01:11:04,514 Then my therapist said I've been suppressing some very complex emotions... 1239 01:11:04,616 --> 01:11:06,811 ...that may well have caused me to take fewer risks. 1240 01:11:06,918 --> 01:11:09,580 Well, then, it seems there's only one thing to do. 1241 01:11:09,688 --> 01:11:11,588 I must return to the past... 1242 01:11:11,690 --> 01:11:14,591 ...to ensure I never have the close call with that lifeguard tower in the first place. 1243 01:11:14,693 --> 01:11:17,594 Oh, I just thought of another one for the glad game. 1244 01:11:17,696 --> 01:11:21,360 The first scissor cut into a fresh piece of construction paper. 1245 01:11:21,467 --> 01:11:23,435 Oh, yeah! 1246 01:11:25,538 --> 01:11:27,199 Here's what we do. 1247 01:11:27,306 --> 01:11:30,207 You buy me one of those time-travel watches... 1248 01:11:30,309 --> 01:11:33,210 ...and I'll go back to my own time and stop that near-death experience. 1249 01:11:33,312 --> 01:11:36,907 - I can't afford one. I don't have a job, thanks to you. - How hard is it to get a new job? 1250 01:11:37,016 --> 01:11:38,984 Even I had that job at the airport. 1251 01:11:40,086 --> 01:11:41,986 Jonny Quest. 1252 01:11:42,088 --> 01:11:43,988 Okay. Welcome aboard. 1253 01:11:44,090 --> 01:11:45,990 Dr. Benton Quest. 1254 01:11:46,092 --> 01:11:48,492 All right. Have a good flight. 1255 01:11:48,594 --> 01:11:50,494 Hadji. Hmm. 1256 01:11:50,596 --> 01:11:53,531 Um, listen, you've been randomly selected for additional screening. 1257 01:11:53,633 --> 01:11:55,624 But you didn't even type anything in. 1258 01:11:55,735 --> 01:11:57,965 If it were up to me, you'd be on that flight. 1259 01:11:58,070 --> 01:12:02,508 But, uh, I'm gonna need you to take off your shoes and that lovely, uh, hat. 1260 01:12:02,609 --> 01:12:05,806 - Sim-sim-salabim.! - Yeah, I'd cut back on that. 1261 01:12:05,913 --> 01:12:08,245 We'll have to borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy. 1262 01:12:08,348 --> 01:12:10,248 - Aaah! - Never call them that again! 1263 01:12:10,350 --> 01:12:13,581 - It's Lois and the fat man! Do you hear me? - Yes! Yes! 1264 01:12:13,687 --> 01:12:16,588 Smells like Head & Shoulders. But you don't have dandruff. 1265 01:12:16,690 --> 01:12:19,523 - Exactly! - Ah! 1266 01:12:22,095 --> 01:12:25,394 - And now here's Diane with a look at traffic. - Thanks, Tom. 1267 01:12:25,499 --> 01:12:28,400 There was a major pile-up in the ambulatory wing this morning... 1268 01:12:28,502 --> 01:12:30,902 ...when one of the residents vomited in the hallway. 1269 01:12:31,004 --> 01:12:34,496 And in international news, I'm fairly certain that Filipino nurse is stealing from me. 1270 01:12:35,542 --> 01:12:37,442 Oh, hey, you two. 1271 01:12:37,544 --> 01:12:40,445 - What brings you here? - Lois, Pablo here needs your help. 1272 01:12:40,547 --> 01:12:42,447 Can we drop the whole Pablo thing? 1273 01:12:42,549 --> 01:12:47,112 - Do you think I don't remember my own little Stewie? - You clever, clever shrew! 1274 01:12:47,222 --> 01:12:49,690 Stu, you could get in a lot of trouble for this. 1275 01:12:49,791 --> 01:12:51,691 Take him back to his own time. 1276 01:12:51,793 --> 01:12:54,626 Well, that's why we're here. I need a loan. 1277 01:12:54,729 --> 01:12:57,630 Done. This is a secret account Peter can't access. 1278 01:12:57,732 --> 01:13:00,132 I never could trust him with money. 1279 01:13:00,235 --> 01:13:03,227 Like the time he spent Meg's college money on that medieval catapult. 1280 01:13:03,338 --> 01:13:05,932 Hey! 1281 01:13:06,040 --> 01:13:10,875 Excellent. These dominoes are set up exactly as I want them, right next to the good china. 1282 01:13:10,979 --> 01:13:13,880 Now I'll just place this priceless Faberg� egg in the center... 1283 01:13:13,982 --> 01:13:16,382 ...right next to my newborn hemophiliac baby. 1284 01:13:18,152 --> 01:13:20,052 - Hey, those yours? - Yes. 1285 01:13:20,154 --> 01:13:22,054 Oh. Those are all really nice things. 1286 01:13:22,156 --> 01:13:25,751 Thank you. You hear that, Evan? We were complimented. 1287 01:13:25,860 --> 01:13:28,762 Take as much money as you need, but there's a couple of conditions. 1288 01:13:28,864 --> 01:13:33,267 On your way back to the past, make sure Chris never marries that bitch Vanessa. 1289 01:13:33,369 --> 01:13:37,772 And I want a promise that I won't spend my old age in a place like this. 1290 01:13:37,873 --> 01:13:42,276 Oh, believe me, Lois, I promise you will never end up in a retirement home. 1291 01:13:59,528 --> 01:14:01,428 All right, let's do this. 1292 01:14:06,135 --> 01:14:08,228 Well, I suppose this is it. 1293 01:14:08,338 --> 01:14:12,741 I just hit me that if you are successful in preventing our near-death experience... 1294 01:14:12,842 --> 01:14:15,402 ...it'll turn me into an entirely different Stu. 1295 01:14:15,512 --> 01:14:17,412 Then you know what you should do? 1296 01:14:17,514 --> 01:14:20,915 Since the time line is going to change anyway, you should get really fat. 1297 01:14:21,017 --> 01:14:26,478 Go buy a whole pint of ice cream and shovel down the whole thing. I mean, just really pig out. 1298 01:14:26,590 --> 01:14:28,490 Ooh, that's brilliant! 1299 01:14:28,592 --> 01:14:32,153 Hey, and if the city thinks I'm paying this parking ticket, they are dreaming! 1300 01:14:35,632 --> 01:14:38,601 No, I'm not really gonna do it, you know, just in case. 1301 01:14:39,769 --> 01:14:42,567 - Good-bye, Stewie. - So long, Stu. 1302 01:14:46,409 --> 01:14:49,810 And if anyone has any objection to this union of Chris and Vanessa... 1303 01:14:49,913 --> 01:14:52,883 ...let them speak now or forever hold their peace. 1304 01:14:54,185 --> 01:14:55,846 Uh, I do. 1305 01:14:59,290 --> 01:15:02,726 So, don't let this keep you from enjoying the reception... 1306 01:15:02,827 --> 01:15:05,227 ...where I'm sure they'll be playing the Chicken Dance. 1307 01:15:05,329 --> 01:15:08,059 So enjoy the Chicken Dance. 1308 01:15:09,500 --> 01:15:12,799 Damn! I overshot it! 1309 01:15:12,903 --> 01:15:15,997 1974. University of Denver. 1310 01:15:16,107 --> 01:15:18,667 I say, Condoleezza Rice goes here. 1311 01:15:18,776 --> 01:15:24,305 Damn! I ain't never gonna let the Man get me down, crazy crackers! 1312 01:15:24,415 --> 01:15:27,077 Black Panthers stand tall! 1313 01:15:28,285 --> 01:15:30,185 Mmm! 1314 01:15:35,327 --> 01:15:37,227 Blast! This isn't the pool either! 1315 01:15:37,329 --> 01:15:39,923 But at least I've arrived on the correct date. 1316 01:15:41,099 --> 01:15:44,330 Only 30 minutes before the tower falls! 1317 01:15:47,739 --> 01:15:50,367 Damn! I've got to get to that swim meet! 1318 01:15:56,415 --> 01:15:58,383 Huh? 1319 01:16:02,120 --> 01:16:05,521 Hi. Stewie Griffin. Stewie Griffin. Hi. How are you? 1320 01:16:08,160 --> 01:16:10,060 Huh? 1321 01:16:10,162 --> 01:16:12,323 Smells good. Dinner's ready. 1322 01:16:45,064 --> 01:16:48,591 Probably shouldn't have milked that landing. 1323 01:17:01,048 --> 01:17:02,948 Don't... press that. 1324 01:17:03,050 --> 01:17:06,577 Future... 35-year-old virgin... 1325 01:17:06,687 --> 01:17:09,451 Fran! Fran! 1326 01:17:09,556 --> 01:17:11,524 - Fran! - What the devil? 1327 01:17:12,860 --> 01:17:15,260 Yes! I did it! I stopped the tower from falling! 1328 01:17:15,362 --> 01:17:17,262 - Who are you? - I'm you, from the future. 1329 01:17:17,364 --> 01:17:19,264 From the future? My word! 1330 01:17:19,366 --> 01:17:22,267 Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne? 1331 01:17:22,369 --> 01:17:25,770 Oh, that's so funny. I asked that very same question and never got an answer. 1332 01:17:25,873 --> 01:17:27,932 Well, then you're as disposable as she is! 1333 01:17:28,041 --> 01:17:29,941 Oh, come on, my little champion. 1334 01:17:30,043 --> 01:17:32,910 Oh, my God! At least have the decency to carry me, you lazy skank! 1335 01:17:33,013 --> 01:17:34,913 Of course, it is comfortable- 1336 01:17:37,017 --> 01:17:41,387 Hey, thanks again for explaining football to me, Mr. - Sorry. I didn't catch your name. 1337 01:17:41,489 --> 01:17:44,390 - You can call me Ron. - Ron, huh? 1338 01:17:44,492 --> 01:17:48,656 You know, I've always really liked that name- Ron. 1339 01:18:06,114 --> 01:18:08,548 Oh. Oh. Oh, come on. 1340 01:18:08,650 --> 01:18:10,550 Come on. Come on! 1341 01:18:10,652 --> 01:18:12,882 Come on! Oh! Oh! That's it! 1342 01:18:12,987 --> 01:18:16,423 That's it. That's it. Yes. Yes! Yes! 1343 01:18:16,524 --> 01:18:18,424 Eat my dust, Crash Bandicoot! 1344 01:18:18,526 --> 01:18:20,926 - Tom, you're on in two. - Good evening. 1345 01:18:21,029 --> 01:18:23,760 For you people just joining us after fast-forwarding through the "movie"... 1346 01:18:23,866 --> 01:18:25,766 ...to get to the extra material... 1347 01:18:25,868 --> 01:18:27,859 ...we're covering the Family Guy wrap party. 1348 01:18:27,970 --> 01:18:29,870 We're going live to the Drunken Clam... 1349 01:18:29,972 --> 01:18:33,271 ...where Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is having a few drinks... 1350 01:18:33,375 --> 01:18:35,343 ...and reportedly loved the movie long time. 1351 01:18:35,444 --> 01:18:38,345 - Tricia? - Thank you, Diane. 1352 01:18:38,447 --> 01:18:43,077 I think "mildly entertained" would be the best way to describe the reaction... 1353 01:18:43,185 --> 01:18:45,085 ...here at the after-party. 1354 01:18:45,187 --> 01:18:49,590 Horace the bartender has really outdone himself with the decorations. 1355 01:18:49,692 --> 01:18:53,594 There are balloons and streamers. 1356 01:18:53,696 --> 01:18:57,564 Now let's get some reactions from these huge Family Guy fans. 1357 01:18:57,666 --> 01:18:59,566 How'd you like the movie, sir? 1358 01:18:59,668 --> 01:19:01,863 It sucked. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it? 1359 01:19:01,971 --> 01:19:05,203 Who do I see about getting the last two hours of my life back? 1360 01:19:05,308 --> 01:19:08,209 If I wanted to hear 81 minutes of gay bashin'... 1361 01:19:08,311 --> 01:19:10,541 I would've gone to my father's house. 1362 01:19:10,647 --> 01:19:14,606 Terrific. And here comes the family of the hour. 1363 01:19:17,921 --> 01:19:20,822 Will there be a sequel? Is it true you're running for mayor? 1364 01:19:20,924 --> 01:19:23,722 Do you think Capone and his cronies will rule the streets of Chicago forever? 1365 01:19:24,828 --> 01:19:27,160 I'm standing here with Peter Griffin. 1366 01:19:27,264 --> 01:19:29,698 Peter, congratulations on your big night. 1367 01:19:29,799 --> 01:19:31,699 Thank you. Thank you very much. 1368 01:19:31,801 --> 01:19:33,996 Hey, how's Mr. Eddie's father doin'? 1369 01:19:34,104 --> 01:19:36,004 That's fresh. 1370 01:19:36,106 --> 01:19:38,472 Peter, how do you respond to the accusations... 1371 01:19:38,575 --> 01:19:41,476 ...that you were responsible for the series' cancellation? 1372 01:19:41,578 --> 01:19:43,478 Well, the show had been on for a while. 1373 01:19:43,580 --> 01:19:47,483 I was talking to Alan Alda, and he said the same thing that Doc Cosby told me- 1374 01:19:47,585 --> 01:19:51,385 ...that it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. 1375 01:19:51,489 --> 01:19:55,949 So I did. We pushed the envelope, creatively, and I stand by my work. 1376 01:19:58,062 --> 01:20:00,963 Peter, can we cut? This isn't workin' for me. 1377 01:20:01,065 --> 01:20:03,966 Who yells cut, Cleveland? The only one who yells cut is the director. 1378 01:20:04,068 --> 01:20:06,969 Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her. 1379 01:20:07,071 --> 01:20:09,972 But don't make me go through all this bullshit. 1380 01:20:10,074 --> 01:20:12,702 You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin. 1381 01:20:12,810 --> 01:20:14,710 Did I miss my cue? 1382 01:20:14,812 --> 01:20:18,213 Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode. 1383 01:20:20,318 --> 01:20:22,445 - Hi, Mom. - Hi, Chris. 1384 01:20:24,088 --> 01:20:26,386 Wrong! It's wrong! 1385 01:20:26,490 --> 01:20:29,892 Still, that said, I'm not the one who put us up against Friends and Survivor. 1386 01:20:29,995 --> 01:20:31,895 What have you been doing since? 1387 01:20:31,997 --> 01:20:34,261 I had a couple of part-time jobs that didn't work out. 1388 01:20:35,767 --> 01:20:39,328 I thought you could go in the suit, like the astronauts. 1389 01:20:40,605 --> 01:20:42,505 I thought you could go in the suit... 1390 01:20:42,607 --> 01:20:44,131 ...like the astronauts. 1391 01:20:45,577 --> 01:20:47,477 - Hey, I gotta take a leak. - Peter! 1392 01:20:47,579 --> 01:20:49,638 If you open that suit, you'll die. 1393 01:20:49,748 --> 01:20:52,717 Right, right. What are you trying to do, get me fired? 1394 01:20:58,457 --> 01:21:01,290 And your wife Lois is looking very lovely. 1395 01:21:01,393 --> 01:21:03,258 How does it feel to be back? 1396 01:21:03,362 --> 01:21:07,765 It feels good. It was a very dark period for me for a while. 1397 01:21:07,866 --> 01:21:09,766 - License and registration. - Fuck you! 1398 01:21:09,868 --> 01:21:11,769 Do you know who I am? 1399 01:21:11,871 --> 01:21:13,771 I'm afraid I don't, ma'am. 1400 01:21:13,873 --> 01:21:15,773 Please give me your license and registration. 1401 01:21:15,875 --> 01:21:18,776 - Ma'am, what are you doing? - I'm gonna kick your ass. 1402 01:21:18,878 --> 01:21:21,108 Oww! Oww! 1403 01:21:28,454 --> 01:21:30,388 All right! 1404 01:21:30,490 --> 01:21:32,788 So, who's gettin' married, huh? You? 1405 01:21:32,892 --> 01:21:36,293 All right, sweetheart. We're gonna have some fun. 1406 01:21:36,396 --> 01:21:39,524 Here we go! 1407 01:21:49,976 --> 01:21:51,910 Aah! 1408 01:21:53,414 --> 01:21:56,315 How do I know if I want it if I can't taste it? 1409 01:21:56,417 --> 01:21:58,578 - Do you know who I am? - Bonnie Franklin? 1410 01:21:58,685 --> 01:22:00,619 Aaah! 1411 01:22:00,721 --> 01:22:02,621 No, you were great! Ha-ha-ha! 1412 01:22:02,723 --> 01:22:05,624 My analyst said I should take advantage of the time... 1413 01:22:05,726 --> 01:22:08,854 ...and do something I'd always wanted to do, so I competed in the Iditarod. 1414 01:22:16,470 --> 01:22:18,495 Hyah! Hyah! 1415 01:22:18,605 --> 01:22:20,505 We gonna take a bathroom break? 1416 01:22:20,607 --> 01:22:23,007 We gonna- We gonna, uh- 1417 01:22:23,110 --> 01:22:25,271 Bathroom? Oh, God. 1418 01:22:30,284 --> 01:22:33,845 So I worked on my novel and spent some time getting to know my fans. 1419 01:22:33,954 --> 01:22:36,856 You know, give something back to the people who got me where I am. 1420 01:22:36,958 --> 01:22:39,426 Brian, this is my friend Anne-Michelle. 1421 01:22:39,527 --> 01:22:42,087 Anne-Michelle! Hey! What are you drinkin'? 1422 01:22:42,197 --> 01:22:45,360 'Cause I see you already ordered the hot sauce. 1423 01:22:45,467 --> 01:22:48,959 Hey, bartender, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? 1424 01:22:49,070 --> 01:22:51,470 Now do Peter. 1425 01:22:51,573 --> 01:22:55,100 Ooh, hey. Forgot my wallet. Can one of you guys get this? 1426 01:22:55,210 --> 01:22:58,111 Um, I did a guest spot on The West Wing. 1427 01:22:58,213 --> 01:23:02,912 It's not normally what I do, but I really got a chance to flex my dramatic muscle. 1428 01:23:03,017 --> 01:23:05,918 I got eight guys from Tallahassee who want this bill pushed through. 1429 01:23:06,020 --> 01:23:08,921 What's the latest on those refugees? They off the coast yet? 1430 01:23:09,023 --> 01:23:12,322 We're getting a lot of Internet chatter. We can justify raising the threat level. 1431 01:23:12,427 --> 01:23:15,328 What you do on your own time is not my business... 1432 01:23:15,430 --> 01:23:18,332 ...but, damn it, when you're here I want you to maintain a professional veneer. 1433 01:23:18,434 --> 01:23:21,335 I need to talk toJerry about how we're gonna spin the unemployment numbers. 1434 01:23:21,437 --> 01:23:24,702 Get my wife on the phone! Tell her I changed my mind. The blue dress is fine. 1435 01:23:24,807 --> 01:23:28,004 And I need the briefing for that meeting on the situation in Argentina! 1436 01:23:32,781 --> 01:23:35,682 I found it! I found the cheese! 1437 01:23:35,784 --> 01:23:37,684 Oh, boy! Cheese! 1438 01:23:37,786 --> 01:23:41,187 I love you, cheese. 1439 01:23:41,290 --> 01:23:45,192 I did a lot of things, but the thing I think I'm most proud of... 1440 01:23:45,294 --> 01:23:48,491 ...is when I volunteered to entertain the troops. 1441 01:23:51,867 --> 01:23:55,166 � If I could turn back time � 1442 01:23:56,205 --> 01:24:00,233 � If I could find a way � 1443 01:24:00,343 --> 01:24:02,436 � I'd take back � 1444 01:24:02,546 --> 01:24:05,640 � Those words that hurt you � 1445 01:24:05,749 --> 01:24:07,979 � And you'd stay � 1446 01:24:08,084 --> 01:24:11,053 � If I could reach the stars � 1447 01:24:12,455 --> 01:24:16,050 � I'd give 'em all to you � 1448 01:24:17,661 --> 01:24:19,925 �And you'd love me Love me � 1449 01:24:20,030 --> 01:24:24,433 �Like you used to do �� 1450 01:24:24,534 --> 01:24:27,435 And, Stewie, we all know you kept busy. 1451 01:24:27,537 --> 01:24:29,437 Oh, yes, it was exhausting... 1452 01:24:29,539 --> 01:24:31,905 ...between shooting films and those damned talk shows. 1453 01:24:32,008 --> 01:24:34,909 Hee-hee! 1454 01:24:35,011 --> 01:24:37,673 Ha-ha! Ha-ha! 1455 01:24:39,416 --> 01:24:43,717 I think it would have to be... Fuck. 1456 01:24:46,524 --> 01:24:48,924 And what is your favorite curse word? 1457 01:24:49,026 --> 01:24:50,891 Listen, cars aren't designed for women. 1458 01:24:50,995 --> 01:24:55,694 The steering wheel would have two dents in it. We bring our own air bags. Right, girls? 1459 01:24:57,802 --> 01:24:59,770 Anybody like cheesecake? 1460 01:25:02,173 --> 01:25:04,801 Well, we're glad to have you back on the air. 1461 01:25:04,909 --> 01:25:07,139 I'll let you all enjoy the party now. 1462 01:25:07,245 --> 01:25:10,806 - Peter, is there anything else you want to say? - Yeah, I got something to say. 1463 01:25:10,915 --> 01:25:12,815 You know, we kid around a lot here... 1464 01:25:12,917 --> 01:25:15,317 ...but the truth is, we care about each other. 1465 01:25:15,419 --> 01:25:18,718 We're excited to be back because we want to address some serious issues. 1466 01:25:18,823 --> 01:25:21,724 - You know, do something we can all be proud of. 1467 01:25:21,826 --> 01:25:23,954 Peter! 1468 01:25:24,062 --> 01:25:26,030 Still got it! 1469 01:25:27,699 --> 01:25:31,430 That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. 1470 01:25:31,536 --> 01:25:34,437 Truth is, 300 million Americans a day... 1471 01:25:34,539 --> 01:25:36,439 ...expel gas through their anus. 1472 01:25:36,541 --> 01:25:39,271 To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. 1473 01:25:39,378 --> 01:25:42,438 Just yankin' ya! 126318