Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language

Oh, for f...

PHONE BUZZES

PHONE VIBRATES

Hello?

Liam, I'm on my way round. Are you there?

Er...

I believe as a landlord you're legally supposed to

give me 24 hours' notice before you come round.

Oh, I ain't got time for all that - I'm 52,

I'll be there in ten.

F-f-f-f...

Shit.

HE SIGHS

34 years old, and spending most of my wage paying off the mortgage

of a lazy 50-something who can turn up at any moment

and tell me off for not being clean!

It's like having a parent who you have to pay to be your parent.

And not even in a fun kink kind of way.

This isn't how it was meant to turn out.

HE PUFFS

♪ What became of the dreams we had? ♪

Cheers, love.

You not order owt, no?

No...

Addy, are you gonna want that bacon?

Obviously not.

Nice one.

Craggy, can I...?

Yes. You can have my mushroom.

Thank you.

Ralph... Take me tomato and be done with it.

ADULT LIAM: I think this image says a lot about where I was at here.

A sixth form student, still too feckless to get a part-time job

and so completely dependent on my parents and friends.

Ralph, meanwhile, was now a door-to-door salesman,

selling solar panels for an associate

of his girlfriend Rachel's dad.

Buoyed by the arrival of TV shows such as The Apprentice

and Dragons' Den, he saw himself as quite the fat cat.

I made 300 quid this week, me. G'd up, mate.

Makes up for last week, when you made minus 200

after reversing into your boss's car, don't it?

THEY LAUGH

Oh. Stop it.

Craggy was now full-time at the garden centre,

absolutely loving life,

always going on about brands of compost.

Anyway, what were I saying before?

Oh, yeah. You definitely want John Innes No.3

cos of the sandy loam.

Even when it wasn't relevant.

I just asked you who you think's gonna win Premiership this season.

Addy was still at sixth form with me but had been doing loads of shifts

at his parents' business,

which, true to stereotype, was the local fish tank shop.

This, coupled with the fact he didn't drink,

meant that he was relatively loaded.

Might buy some alloy wheels next week.

But you ain't even got a car yet.

Well, it'll be nice to have some anyway, won't it?

On top of my chronic skint-ness,

it had been a tense summer with my parents -

those malicious, unreasonable bastards.

MUSIC: Hip Hop by Dead Prez

There'd been a momentary easing of tensions.

I got four As in my AS levels.

What?

Oh, well done, love!

Oh!

Oh, isn't that brilliant, Simon?!

What's that? Four As in his AS levels.

Oh, well, maybe you can help me with this sudoku then.

Look at this guy.

Can't even look his own son in the eye

cos he's completely addicted to sudokus.

The greatest victims of the 2000s? The children of suburban dads

obsessed with Japanese combinatorial number puzzles.

I was sure that was a five.

But this easy atmosphere didn't last long.

Going to clean all that up, aren't you, love?

I got four As in my AS levels.

I don't need this.

Liam?

It's not even lunchtime!

I got four As in my AS levels, didn't I? I think I deserve it.

And just that morning, things had really come to a head.

Liam, what are you doing?

I just got four As in my AS levels. I've a right to enjoy mysen.

Right, that's it. No pocket money this week.

Oh, why can't you just treat me like an adult?

Liam!

What?!

Here, lads, let's move in together.

Eh? What?

That's an outlandish idea.

I'm serious. Look, we're all gonna turn 18 soon.

I wanna be able to smoke weed inside

and stay up until 5am rewatching my Family Guy boxset.

Like a proper adult. Yeah, I wouldn't mind living out, me.

Then I won't have to go down to Rachel's as much and have her dad

ask me if I'm still driving without insurance. Yeah.

And it means I wouldn't have to put up with our Lucy

blowing me extension cord up with her hair straighteners again.

Weren't it surge protected? No!

We're talking about moving in together.

How are you gonna afford it, though?

Well, I'll just get a job. Evenings and weekends.

But the point is I'm not having someone tell me what to do

for one second longer.

You can't hang pictures without my written permission.

Right.

Actually, while you're here, the washing machine doesn't work.

Oh, and there's black mould in the bedroom.

And I think there's a dead rat under the kitchen unit

which is being eaten by the live ones.

Yeah, I'll make a note.

Hey, is that Blu-Tack on that wall?

So what do we do next?

We go to an estate agent.

I thought we were having a few jars?

Yeah. Yeah, definitely, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Celebrate our independence.

Here, will someone get us a pint in? I'll get you back when I get a job.

So I'm putting your rent up by 200 quid a month - er, no, 300.

Why so much? Well, basically, you've been paying under market rate

for your whole tenancy cos I more or less forgot about the flat,

to be honest.

Oh, and I'm doing me kitchen up, so...

You forgot about it?

Well, it's not the only flat I own, you know. I have five.

I've got a lot on me plate. I'm so sorry.

So an extra 350 a month.

What? You just said 300.

Oh, it's a volatile market.

I'm just not sure I can afford that.

Well, you can move out.

It's up to you.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on. We've all had a few beers,

Addy's had a few dandelion and burdocks.

We've gotta make sure that we act responsible and mature,

so just let me take...

Good afternoon, sirs and madams.

We have a very careful policy about letting to groups of lads.

Oh, well we're not a group of lads. Er, we're brothers.

Brothers? Yeah.

All of you?

Like, different...

Mums. Dads.

It's complicated.

But you're all brothers?

Yeah, Christian brothers.

You're all...

..Christian?

Yes, very much so, yes.

Amen to you.

Well, the main thing is that if you can't prove

a regular source of income then you'll need a guarantor -

someone to be legally responsible for your tenancy,

especially as you haven't all turned 18 just yet.

Basically your mam or dad.

Well, I actually have a property we could go and see right now.

Oh, wonderful.

God bless you, sir. Let's go.

I think that's everything. So it's 260 per month each.

Fuck me.

Yeah, we'll take it.

Don't you think we'd better discuss that?

All right, let's discuss it, then. Shall we take it?

Yeah. Yeah, why not? OK.

Great. Great.

Are you sure this is sensible?

Oh, Addy, chill out.

Graham, baby, let's talk utilities.

At last, the prospect of independence.

There was still the issue of getting my parents on board,

but given the fact I'd got four fucking As in my AS levels,

I think I'd bought enough merit.

Life was good, and nothing could threaten that

unless a surprise happened.

You're going to Oxbridge. What?

Oh, I shouldn't get ahead of myself. You're going to apply for Oxbridge.

What are you on about?

This letter came from school, saying you've been chosen

to be part of their Oxbridge Application Programme.

So it means you'll have a student check-in every week

to make sure you're on track.

And then obviously it's open days, interview prep,

extra-curricular reading, mock tests...

Fuck's sake. What's that, love?

No, nowt, just...

..nice one.

In one fell swoop, my entire fantasy of what university life would be

had come crashing down...

MUSIC: Hey Scenesters! By The Cribs

..to be replaced by a much less enticing prospect.

- CHAMBER MUSIC - Do you like The Cribs?

Nescio eos.

We're really proud of you. Aren't we, Simon?

Yeah.

Well, I've got some more good news actually.

Ooh! What's that, love?

I'm moving out. What?

Yeah. Me and the lads are moving in together.

It's a really nice place. It ain't far from here,

so I'll be able to come visit you a lot.

Liam, you're 17 and you're still at school.

How would you even afford the rent?

Well, I'm getting a job. Good idea.

No, it isn't! Not a good idea, Liam.

Well, will you give me the money to move out, then,

and be my guarantors?

Now he looks up.

No.

You need to completely focus on your A levels.

That means no job and no living in some dive with your mates!

I still need to have a life.

You'll have a much better life if you get into Oxbridge.

I haven't even said I wanna go to Oxbridge!

Of course you wanna go to Oxbridge!

Just when it looked like everything was dropping into place,

everything did not... It d-did not drop into place.

I felt like I had no control.

Didn't I deserve to be treated like an adult?

Fuck you!

Fuck have you been? You were supposed to have signed contract

and paid deposit 20 minutes ago. We've all done it. Now you hurry up,

so we can get keys before shop closes.

I can't move in. What?

I want to, but my parents...

Basically this letter came from school.

Spare us sob story! I'm off to get my money back.

Me too.

What do you mean we can't get us deposit back?

Well, Lord Sugar wouldn't stand for this and neither will I!

Sorry, lads. You signed individual contracts. Can't waive 'em now.

All your fault, this, Liam.

Is there nowt we can do?

Not much. Sorry.

Unless you take another flat wi' us today

and then I could transfer the deposit.

Do you have any three-beds we can see?

I think I do have... one.

Here's keys.

Oh, one plus side for you lot

is that there is a church just round the corner.

Right, yeah.

It's not that bad.

Get fucked.

So here are all the flats I found in your preferred area,

within your price range.

One. One flat.

Mm-hm. I mean, there are a lot of pluses about this property.

It's spacious, lovely location.

But?

I wasn't going to say "but".

Oh. However...

Uh-huh... it was a, um...

..a serial killer's house.

What?! Mm.

I mean, did he...? I assume it was a he.

Oh, yeah.

Did he kill anyone in the flat?

In every room. It's kind of like his thing.

His nickname was the Room-to-Room Ripper.

This was a long time ago, right?

Mm, he was actually the last tenant.

Has it been cleaned?

Oh, yeah, he was very thorough.

He's actually the cleanest tenant we've ever had,

I mean, it was just one molecule of faeces that revealed he...

I don't need to know.

Hang on.

Look, I... I'll take it. Fuck it.

Really?

OK, amazing.

Let me just...

Hmm...

..it's actually just gone to another tenant. Oh, what?

In the notes it says it's gone to some... podcasters.

I guess that makes sense.

I was soon sick with envy

once the lads had realised the flat's potential -

ie, filled it up with consumer goods purchased on credit.

Here, Liam, let's give you a tour. Here, imagine it's like Cribs.

Oh, yeah, mate!

Sick idea.

Pool table.

CLATTERING

Fuck.

We've got the fridge and then we've got the...

..beer fridge.

Beer fridge.

Beer fridge in every room, G.

AIR HORNS BLARE

Beer fridge.

Beer fridge.

Dandelion and burdock fridge.

GUNSHOTS AND AIR HORNS

Prize possession - top-of-the-range flatscreen TV.

Nintendo Wii.

Dog.

You got a dog?

Of course, mate.

What's it called?

Charizard. Viduka. Ralph.

What? Charizard. Viduka. Ralph.

Well, his collar says Ben.

But my envy of the lads soon subsided

once I realised I could basically go round and stay on the sofa

whenever I wanted. I could escape from my mum's nagging

and still get all my washing and meals at home,

all without having to pay a penny in rent.

You know, I think I'm going to buy a place.

OK.

Yeah. I think the issue is that I'm just too old to be renting.

I've done the house shares, I'm done with renting,

it's time to buy somewhere. What can I buy today?

Well, we do offer some basic mortgage advice,

so if you fill in a few details we can give you a sense

of what you might be able to afford.

SHE CHUCKLES

Sorry, I... I shouldn't laugh. Um...

Where'd you get them chips from?

Freezer. What, so they're not yours, then?

They're only chips.

Chips what we paid for.

And it ain't only chips, is it? It's squash as well.

Oh, I'm so sorry I had a glass of squash.

Biscuits, crisps. Yeah, and just being round here every day

and falling asleep on the sofa all night.

Fuckin' 'ell, you're worse than me mam, you lot.

Look, mate, it just basically feels like you're living here

but you're not contributing nothing.

Actually you mean I'm not contributing anything.

Yeah, it took me a few years to realise you don't tend

to win an argument on the basis of grammar.

To be honest, the amount you're here you should be paying rent

or at least contributing summat.

Yeah, what happened to getting a job?

My parents wouldn't let me. They said...

School have said that I should be applying to Oxbridge.

Ain't you got to be a proper geek to go there? He IS a geek.

And ain't you got to be a fucking posh twat as well?

Mind you, I wouldn't put it past you

to sell us out to become a southerner.

I don't even want to go to Oxbridge.

It's actually "Ox-ford".

That's...

Look, I'm the one who feeds Ben and walks Ben most, right?

No-one else seems to think about his needs at all.

Don't you bring Viduka into this! You mean Charizard.

Ralph, call him Ralph... Ralph!

His name's Ben.

How the hell do people afford mortgage deposits in London?

Well...

I need to ask a favour.

Ain't there any tea?

Well, you were out, weren't you?

Barely see you in this house these days.

I can make you some pasta if you want.

I need more pocket money.

Oh, well we were actually talking

and maybe we could give you a bit extra.

Dad's done some calculations, and it can't be much

cos we had to get the car fixed, didn't we?

And we bought you those new clothes not long back.

And there's the holiday.

You can have an extra £8.23 a week. Roughly.

Well, that ain't fucking enough. I can't live like this any more.

Like a middle-class western adult

whose basic comforts are taken care of

so that he can focus entirely on his education

and personal development.

Liam, will you just calm down, please?

No, you're the one who needs to calm down!

Don't tell me how to be. Don't tell ME how to be.

Bloody hell! Bloody hell!

BEDROOM DOOR SLAMS Wow.

It does actually pain me to see my parents under such strain.

You want to borrow £60,000?

Or just whatever you can spare.

We can't really spare anything, Liam.

Do you not have any savings?

Not savings as such. I mean, I do have a Boots card.

I've got quite a few points on that, although... Do they expire?

LADS LAUGH AND JOKE

Yes, at that moment, I effectively stole Ben the dog.

Because it was at that moment that I became...

..homeless...

..for two hours.

WHISPERING: Come on, Ben. Come on, come on.

Look, I'm not asking you to just, like, give me the whole deposit.

Just lend it to me... for several years.

No, Liam, we just can't afford to.

All right, don't worry. It was just an idea.

Unless you were buying round here.

What? I just mean it's much less expensive up here.

They're literally a third of the price of a London property,

I read the other day. London's absurd.

London is absurd, but...

Yeah, why don't we look into whether we could lend you something

towards a deposit for somewhere around here?

It would be really nice to have you nearby.

Yeah, but my life is in London, isn't it?

What about my social life, my job?

You never talk about your social life down there.

You've still got mates up here, haven't you?

What's the point in working in London

if it doesn't pay you enough to have a proper life there?

It's just a thriving place to be, you know?

What about the... the museums, the big whale?

Look...

..I do really appreciate it. It's really generous and, um...

..I'll think about it. Yeah, just think about it, love.

WHISPERING: Lie down, Ben.

Ben. Ben, lie down.

- Ben. - BARKING

Ben! Shut up, Ben.

Oh, for fuck's sake.

BARKING CONTINUES

FOOTSTEPS

Who's that?

Oh.

What's that? A dog?

Yeah.

Oh.

You'd better get yourself up, then, Liam.

Look I... I've been meaning to say to you,

like, sort of... you know?

You might need to explain a bit more.

Right, well, the thing is, if you do go to uni,

then this is the last year we all live together

and it might be nice for all of us

if you and your mum don't argue too much

cos I think, in the end,

it's going to make your life easier and my life easier if...

..if you just...

..do what your mum says.

And maybe, if you agree to that,

I can have a word with her about you getting a part-time job.

Really?

Thanks. I mean... yeah. Yeah, all right.

Good.

These are the best days of your life, you know?

Really?

Um... dunno. Can't really remember, but, er...

That dog's not coming in the house, is it?

Can't he just say in t'kitchen?

I'll take him back to t'lads' house in t'morning.

You can take him back now.

Fuck's sake.

CLATTERING

Liam!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ON TV

RAT SQUEAKS

♪ You've got a nerve to be asking a favour

♪ You've got a nerve to be calling my number

♪ I know we've been through this before

♪ Can't you hear me? I'm calling out your name. ♪