All language subtitles for Family Guy S05E17 It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One.DVD.NonHi.cc.en.20FOX

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Mom, are we there yet?

Almost, Chris.

Now remember, kids,
when we get to Mr.
Quagmire's cabin,

don't touch anything
before I have
a chance to disinfect it.

Boy, it was nice of Quagmire
to let us use his place.

This'll be much better
than that vacation we took

with The Price is Right yodeler.

Okay, you can stop here.

There's no way that
microwave costs more than
300 bucks. Stop here!

Don't... Don't listen
to that fat tourist.

She doesn't know
how much a microwave costs.
Stop!

We
should've gone to Plinko
like Cleveland.

Oh, Dad,
I think this is
Mr. Quagmire's driveway.

Didn't he say it was between
two big oak trees?

Well, there's a lot
of trees around here.

How do we know
we're in the right spot?

I think it's a safe bet
this is the place.

Well, this looks comfortable.

This is gonna be
a relaxing weekend.

Hey, did you hear something?

I think it came from upstairs.

Oh. Hey. This is the week
you guys were coming up?

Huh.

And here I am, cream on my face,

hair a mess, and in mid-coitus.

I must look a sight.

Beautiful country,
isn't it, Chris?

God, it is peaceful.
No question, Dad.

Just be careful, 'cause
they got a lot of big
old wilderness bugs out here.

Oh, hey, y'all best be
careful or I'm gonna sting
you with my stinger.

Oh, no!
But then I's gonna
die if I sting you.

You know what?
I'm not gonna
sting y'all after all.

And that's my choice.
Y'all ain't worth it.

I'm just gonna head
on over to that flower

and suck on that stamen
like there's no tomorrow.

Brian, how many years have
I been saying you and I
should go berry picking?

A lot of years, Stewie.
Wait a minute.

Do you know
where we are, Brian?
This is a very special place.

They say once every
100 years in this spot,

Donny Most rises from the mist.

I think that's just a legend.
Well, that's
because you're...

Look!

♪ Donny Most

♪ Donny Most

♪ He was Ralph on Happy Days

♪ Donny Most

♪ Donny Most

♪ Now he rises

♪ From the haze

Actually, it's Don Most now.

♪ Donny Most

♪ Donny Most

♪ Sunday, Monday

♪ Happy Days ♪

Now, watch carefully, you guys.

Out here in the woods,
you got to hang
your food up high

so the Pope won't get it.

You gotta da hot links?
Come on, the Pope-a
want-a da hot links.

All right, who's ready
for a campfire song, huh?

Oh, come on, Dad, that's lame.

It's not lame, Meg.

Look, those people over there
are having a good time.

♪ She'll be coming
round the mountain

♪ When she comes

♪ When she comes

♪ She'll be coming
round the mountain
When she comes

♪ When she comes

All right, here's a little tune

inspired by one of
the great legends
of the Old West.

♪ Well, there once
were two cowboys

♪ All alone
out on the trail

♪ And they
discovered they could sleep
With another male

♪ Now they're
having butt sex

♪ Cowboy butt sex

♪ Sodomy

Come on, everybody.

♪ Sodomy

♪ Sodomy ♪

Sodomy.

And when he woke up
in the morning,
she was still in his bed!

That's it?
Yeah.

And then she
wanted to make him eggs!

And he said,
"Oh, I don't have time,
I've got a meeting at 12:30."

And she said,
"I'll drive you there!"

And he said,
"No, no, it's at my office.

"It's like
a half-hour commute."

And she said, "I don't mind,
it's on the way to
my kid's pre-school."

Hey, Lois, look at me,
I got post-partum depression!

I'm sad about stuff!

You son of a bitch!
Don't even joke about that!

This water feels kind of funny.

Yeah, and it smells bad.

Dad, look!
Holy crap!

Oh, my God,
what the hell is
wrong with this lake?

I think it's a safe bet that
that's responsible.

So they can just dump
their waste into the lake?
This can't be legal.

What kind of world is this

where you can't even trust
the oil companies anymore?

No, I don't.

Is that Ziggy?
No.

You have a Ziggy tattoo?
Jesus.

Why do you have a Ziggy tattoo?

I just used to think
he was kind of funny.

We should...
We should get
to the hospital.

Mom, how long do we have to
wear these wigs?

Until our hair
grows back, Chris.

Dad, you couldn't
have gotten us anything
more stylish?

Oh, I don't think it's so bad.
I feel rather like Mozart.

Hey, Stewie, play Haydn.

Now play Handel.

Play Peter Griffin.
Ah. Now that is a challenge.

Go ahead, mock me.

But it wasn't Stewie
who was laughing at me.
It was God!

What can I do for you,
Mrs. Griffin?

Lake.

I mean, you couldn't possibly
have sanctioned

that kind of blatant
industrial pollution,
could you?

Yeah, I told them
it was fine.
What?

And in return,
I get free oil for my hair.

Hey, baby,
want some Adam West penis?

While you let this
town be destroyed
by corruption!

Mr. Mayor,
I promise you this.

Next election,
I'm gonna run against you,
and I'm gonna win.

All right, Mrs. Griffin,
you wanna take me on, fine.

But if you plan to
beat me, you'll have to...

What is it?
A bee just flew in
through the window.

Don't move.

Hmm. Now look who's mayor.

First order of business,
free honey for everyone!

Yay! Mayor Bee!
Mayor Bee! Mayor Bee!

Done stung myself.
Bye, world.

Good evening, Quahog.
I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Diane Simmons.

The Quahog mayoral
race is heating up

with incumbent Adam West
squaring off against
challenger Lois Griffin.

Which leads many
political analysts
to ask the question,

can a woman really be mayor?

Or will she just
bleed all over the city?
Stay with us.

Oh, you guys, I can't
tell you how much I
appreciate all your hard work.

It's really gonna
make a difference
with my campaign.

Hey, Lois, take a look.
I just made 500 T-shirts

that say,
"Vote for Lois,
unless you're queer."

"No, wait,
even if you're queer.
No Jews, though. Okay, Jews."

Oh, these are
wonderful, sweetie.

Chris, why don't you put
these upstairs in your closet
so we don't lose them?

But the evil monkey
lives in my closet.

Of course, he hasn't
been as evil since he became
a Jehovah's Witness.

Hi, I'm going
door-to-door to campaign
on behalf of Lois Griffin,

who's offering real change
for the city of Quahog.

May we count on
your vote next Tuesday?

Chris, this is our house.

Ah.

Then what is for dinner?

Pork chops.
Excellent.

Chris, have you been
to any other houses?

I have not.

Would you like to come in?

Please.

This is Tom Tucker
with some breaking
election coverage.

Mayor Adam West
has widened his lead
over challenger Lois Griffin.

I'm confident that
the people of Quahog
will make the right choice.

And here to help me secure
the Latino vote

is actor Jimmy Smits.

Adam West likes to eat food
that's grilled in foil.

That's our guy!

Boy, this election's
gonna be a tight one.

It's probably
gonna be decided
by just a couple of votes.

And here we are sitting here
like a bunch of
lazy paraplegic cops.

Huh?
I'm sorry, Joe,
it's just an expression.

Ah.

We got to give Lois
a last-minute edge.

Guys, I need you to help out
on the campaign.

Oh, man. That's like
making all, like, signs
and walking around or what?

You know,
you bastards got
a stake in this, too.

I mean, Lois is my wife,
and if she's the mayor,

we can pretty much do
whatever the hell we want.

I could do cocaine
if I wanted to.

Peter, you want
some potatoes?
Yeah, how you doing?

I was just asking
if you wanted...
We got enough napkins?

Yeah, we got enough napkins.
That's enough.
That's enough, right there.

What time is it?

Is that... Is that straight?
Is that straight right there?

Wait, wait, wait.
See, I'll fix it. No, no.

Is that straight? I can't...

Meg, sweep that up.
Just get a broom.
Sweep that up.

Sweep that up.
Put it up in your room,
but sweep it up first!

Suspect number two,
he's the one who raped me.

All right.
All but number two
are free to leave.

Ma'am, I know that
you're going through
a difficult time right now,

but I just have
a few more questions.

Are you planning
to vote tomorrow?

What?
Are you aware that
Lois Griffin has a plan

to cut property tax in half
over the next three years?

What does that have to do
with what happened to me?

Well, you say number two did it,

maybe I say I smell
alcohol on your breath.

You can't do that!

Sounds like Lois Griffin
can count on your vote.

Hi, when you go to vote
for Mayor tomorrow,

please vote for Lois Griffin.

That's right.
I work at a deli,
and I know baloney.

And that's
exactly what you'll get
with Mayor Adam West.

Oh, snap.

Boy, you guys, I really
appreciate all the help
you've been giving us.

Except for you, Quagmire,
you ain't done nothing.

What the hell you talking about?

Lois is gonna get
the entire female vote
'cause of me.

I've been having sex
with every woman
in town nonstop

for the past two days.

My God, if I tried to
masturbate right now,
you know what'd come out?

A little flag with
the word "bang" on it.

Welcome, Quahog,
to the town hall
mayoral debate

between incumbent Adam West
and challenger Lois Griffin.

We will now open up the floor
to questions from
a community at large.

Yes, Mrs. Griffin,
how do you feel about
those computer websites

that put a blue square
on the home of
a sex offender?

Well, the safety of our children

is a very important part
of my plan for Quahog.

I have a 12-point program
for the security...

I'm sorry, your time is up.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
I'm not impressed.

I'm not impressed. Not yet.

Mayor West, if re-elected,

would you
increase the frequency
of garbage pick up?

Well, citizen,
that's an excellent question
and I thank you for it.

I think it's great
we live in a town
where you can ask questions,

because without questions,
we'd just have answers.

And an answer
without a question
is a statement.

Oh, I like him!
He looks me in the eye!

I'd like to have
a beer with him.
I'm voting for him.

I don't understand these people.

He didn't even say anything
and they're eating it up.

Lois, undecided voters
are the biggest
idiots on the planet.

Try giving short,
simple answers.

Sir, your question, please.

Mrs. Griffin,
what do you plan to do
about crime in our city?

A lot.

Because that's what Jesus wants.

9/11 was bad.

I agree with that!

God, I can't
believe how easy this is.

Mrs. Griffin, what are
your plans for cleaning up
our environment?

9/11.

Mrs. Griffin,
what about our
traffic problem?

- 9...
- Huh?

11.

Well, the election
results are pouring in

and it looks like it's
gonna be a tight one.

Which reminds me, Diane,
when's the last time
you heard... Forget it.

Oh, my God,
I'm an absolute wreck.

Well, folks, this is it.

The last of the votes
have been tallied,

and we're getting
the final results in now.

Quahog's new mayor is...

Lois Griffin!

Oh, God, oh, God,
oh, God, oh, God!

Oh. Were we done cheering?

Well, Mrs. Mayor,
how do you feel?

Oh, I'm a little nervous, Brian,

but mostly I'm excited
about all the good
I'm gonna get to do.

Wow, look at you.
All that power and you've
still got that body.

And the first thing
I'm gonna do as mayor
is clean up Lake Quahog.

Well, I know the people
will support you, Lois,

because you connect
with them, like Disney
connects with its audience.

You the cow!

No, you the cow!

Wow, Disney gets us!

And I think we all realize

the importance of stopping
the environmental damage

being done to Lake Quahog.

Which is why I'm proposing
a very modest tax increase

that will help us to...

No, no, no. That's awful.
No, no, no.
I'm not okay with that.

No new taxes.

No new taxes!

No new taxes!
No new taxes!

But what about the terrorists?

That's right.
Terrorists.

We have intelligence
that suggests

that Hitler is plotting with...

With the Legion of Doom
to assassinate Jesus.

Using the lake as a base.

Meanwhile,
at the Legion of Doom...

How did she discover our plan?

Me, Solomon Grundy,
kind of dropped
the ball on that one.

And we also have evidence

that Darth Vader tried
to buy yellowcake uranium

from unwed teenage mothers.

Those things all sound scary!

How much money
before I can feel safe again?

A hundred thousand?

I threw a 10!
See that 10 there?
I threw that.

At the top of the news,
Lake Quahog is
once again clean

thanks to the efforts
of newly-elected
Mayor Lois Griffin.

We now go to Asian reporter
Tricia Takanawa

for her slant on the story.

Thanks, Tom.

Once again,
happy locals are frolicking
in the waters of Lake Quahog,

and we're here
with their reactions.

Sir, how does it feel
to have the lake back?

Well, I'll tell you,
Tricia, as a local resident,

I feel like I can
once again take pride
in my community.

I think this is really gonna
revitalize tourism, and...

And, if you look around,
I think even the wildlife
is starting to come back.

And,
you know, that's something
we haven't seen in a while

and I think
we're gonna be seeing
a lot more of that.

Hey, you guys.

Mom, everyone on TV says
you're running
the town great.

Maybe you could do
some damn laundry
once in a while.

What?
What?

Wow, Mom, is that a new purse?

Yeah, that looks
pretty expensive.

Well,
don't tell anybody, Brian,
but I was a little naughty.

I may have dipped
into the tax surplus.

Wait a minute.
You used taxpayer money
to buy yourself a handbag?

It's no big deal, Brian.

Besides,
there was a lot left over
after the lake clean-up,

and I figured
maybe I earned
a little treat, huh?

Lois, spending even one penny
of that money on yourself

is incredibly unethical.

Oh, come on, it was only 600.

My God, that's more
than I spent to go see
that prize fight in Vegas.

I thought you
said we was going
to see Hairspray.

Bitch, I thought
I said just shut up
and be looking fine.

What the hell's up
with these rolling blackouts?

Well, since Lois is the mayor,

I'm allowed to reroute
all the town's electricity.

What'd you do that for?
So I could
reanimate the corpse

of Jim Varney.
Howdy, Vern.

This is some
dad-gum nice house
you got here, Vern.

That's Vern-Vern-Vern-Vern.

Oh, wait, wait.
It was John Belushi.
That's who I wanted.

Peter, how could you...
Way ahead of you, Brian.

My mistake.
I'll take care of this.

Hey, Jim, come out
in the yard, will you?

Sure thing, Vern.

He got the shotgun, Brian!

Don't ask me how he did it,
but Jim Varney
got the shotgun!

Run for your life!
What?

Run!

Excuse me,
how much is this coat?

It's 4,300.

Oh. Do you think
you can give me
a little mayoral discount?

Well, I think you're doing
a great job, Mrs. Griffin,
but my boss would kill me.

How's everything going out here?

Fine, Mr. Voorhees.

Good. 'Cause if you
screw up, I'll kill you.

Hi, Bob Grossbeard, Quahog Oil.

I'd like to buy
you that coat.
Really?

All I ask in return
is that you let my company do

just a little bit of
dumping in your lake.

This guy don't sit
right with me, Lois.
He don't sit right with me.

But I just
cleaned up Quahog lake.

Do you want the coat or not?

I want the coat.
Excellent.
Then we have a deal.

Brian's gonna be
really upset when
he finds out.

I'll just take him
for a ride in the car,
he'll forget all about it.

Wait a minute,
I know where we are.
The park is near here!

We're near the park, Lois!
Oh, that's the tree,
I peed on that!

Hey, hey,
Lois! Lois!

Car!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
There's another
dog in that car!

Hey! Are you seeing that?
Hey! Hey!
Hey, other dog! Fuck you!

Ladies and gentlemen,
on behalf of
the Quahog Oil Refinery,

we would like to
thank Mayor Lois Griffin
for our newest waste pipe.

Let the dumping resume!

What's going on?
Everybody dead.

Oh, see now.
You know who they
gonna blame this on.

Mmm-hmm.
The black dolphins.

See, the honky dolphin
always trying to keep
the black dolphin down.

I mean, can't we all
just swim along?

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna call Fishy Jackson.

And you know what?
I'm gonna call
Catfish Sharpton.

Get them
motherfuckers on the line.

Ng can you hold
your breath underwater?

Longer than you!
Check it out!

My face!

Lois, what the hell
are you doing?

Remembering who I am, you crook!

Oh, I'm a crook, am I?

What about all
the money you embezzled?

Do you want
people to find out
about that?

You better play ball
or we'll find
someone else who will.

I'll play ball.

You know what, West?
You can have your job back.

Politics does
terrible things
to good people.

Good for you, Lois.
You wised up
before it was too late.

I was so consumed
by power and money,

I became the very thing
I set out to destroy.

Hooray, I'm mayor again!

Don't we need to have
a whole new election?

There. Now no one
will have heard him say that.

We all heard him say it.

Anybody else hear anything?

My wife did.