All language subtitles for Family Guy S05E15 Boys Do Cry.DVD.NonHi.cc.en.20FOX

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

We now return
to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in
Now It's Just Getting Sad.

Okay, okay, hear me out.

My character is a therapist
living in the city,

but I'm married to an elephant.

Hi, I'm the husband.

Hey, honey. We're going
to my parents' this weekend.
Did you pack your trunk?

I don't think I want to go.

I don't like going
to your parents'.

Why?

Maybe because
your dad's an
ivory hunter?

See? There's a lot
going on here.
Lot going on.

It actually...
It actually gets
pretty watchable.

Damn, it's still raining.

Lois, you mind if
I go in the house?

Fine, fine,
just put the newspaper down.

Hey, Lois, look at this.
The church is holding
auditions for a new organist.

Really? Wow. You know,
that sounds like it
could be a lot of fun.

Yeah, it's been a while since
you've had the chance
to play in public.

Church organist?
That's boring.

Why don't you do something
more interesting?

Like when I had that job
feeding the homeless.

That's gonna make you
big and strong.

Burping time.
Oh, smells like someone
needs to be changed.

When was the last time
you were changed?
Seven days ago?

That's one week.
There are seven
days in a week.

I love you, filthy hobo.

All right.

Why do you say "organist"
if you don't want...

I don't understand
the world anymore.

Here be a jaunty sea shanty
from me boyhood.

♪ You shake me nerves
and you rattle me brain

♪ Too much love
drives a man insane

♪ You broke me will

♪ Oh, what a thrill

♪ Goodness gracious,
great balls of fire ♪

♪ I know what boys like

♪ I know what guys want

♪ I know what boys like

♪ Boys like

♪ Boys like me ♪

All right,
up next is Lois Griffin.

Well, I don't know if I can
compete with the rest of
these people, but here goes.

My word,
what a fascinating man
this Jesus must've been.

I can just imagine meeting him.

That was beautiful,
Mrs. Griffin.

Up next is, Jake Tucker.

Finally. Some of us
have been waiting all evening

for a certain wife
to come home and
feed her starving family.

Peter, I told you
I was gonna be late.

Couldn't you
have handled dinner?

You can't ask me to
make dinner, Lois.

That's like asking me to
choose between Sarah Jessica
Parker and Kirsten Dunst

in a hot body/weird
face contest.

It can't be done.

Well, I've got good news.

I'm gonna be
the church's new organist.

Hey, congrats.
Wow, Mom, that's great.

That means
you'll play the organ.

It also means that this family
is gonna start going to
church again on Sundays.

Being there today reminded me
of how important
religious services are

to the moral fiber of a family.

And lately this family
has been lacking moral fiber.
Especially you, Meg.

Meg! What happened to you?

She can't answer you.
She can't even talk.

Ever since she
started smoking pot,
she just kind of lays there.

It's really sad
and a tiny bit funny.

Oh, my God, I think I'm
getting a contact high.

Now I'm messed up, too.

Orning, everyone.
Please turn to
hymn number 387.

♪ God,
you are so cool

♪ Although, sometimes
it's, like, what's the deal?

♪ You never answer
your cell phone

♪ And your messages
are often ambiguous

♪ Amen ♪

A reading from
the book of Leviticus.

"Thou shalt not
spill thy seed
into thy sock,

"and then cram it
to the bottom of the hamper

"like it's been
there a long time."
The word of the Lord.

Am so hungry.
Hey, look, they're handing
out cookies up there.

Stewie, wait, don't...

Hey, there.
Eat up, y'all.

Youse is good
churchgoing folk.
Y'all deserve a little treat.

Give me that!

Well, aren't you
an enthusiastic
wafer muncher.

What is that, punch?

Oh, don't y'all drink that.
Youse gonna get sick.

Yup.

That baby just
threw up the host!
That's a sign of the devil!

Oh, my God, is he possessed?
He's possessed!

That baby is possessed by Satan!

Calm down, everyone.
He's just a little sick.

I'll take him home.
Come on, sweetie.

Sweet, we are out of here.
Now I can do what I planned
to do this morning.

Gladiator mice.

Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die!

I have everything
and you have nothing!

What a horrible morning.

You know, all I wanted

was for us to share
a simple Sunday church
service as a family.

But I guess
that's too much to ask.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin.
We're here to take
custody of your baby

so that
the good reverend here
can perform an exorcism

and banish the devil
from his infant soul.

What? You are not performing
an exorcism on my baby.

Mrs. Griffin,
you can give him to us,
or we can take him by force.

No!
Don't worry, Lois.

We'll hide in the one place
they can't find us.

In imagination land.

Where you burp where you fart
and you fart where you burp.

Indeed, that's how it happens.

Where're we going?

Who cares? As long as
it's away from those
bloody church fanatics.

We're going to Texas.

We can stay
at my sister Carol's place
until this blows over.

Texas? We're going to Texas
in search of
religious tolerance?

That's gonna be like trying
to get Sneakers O'Toole
to take his sneakers off.

♪ I'm not
taking my sneakers off
I'm Sneakers O'Toole ♪

Hey, take those sneakers off.

No!
Take them off, I said!

No!

Let him go.
We'll never catch him.
Not in these shoes.

♪ I didn't
take my sneakers off
I'm still Sneakers O'Toole ♪

Holy crap!

You marry Billy Joel,
it's gonna happen
one way or another.

Good evening.
I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Diane Simmons.

Authorities are on
the lookout for one-year-old
Stewie Griffin,

a Quahog infant
who is believed
to be possessed by Satan.

A substantial reward is being
offered for any information
leading to his capture.

We've got
the exclusive interview.

I was about to
bone my girlfriend,
out at the lake,

but suddenly, she yelled,
so I looked up
and it was Bigfoot.

So, what happened next?

Then, I went back to bone her,

but the mosquitoes
were going crazy

and she said there was no way.

All right, get your snacks,
and hurry out, you guys.

There, look,
they have Chunky bars.

What a God-awful
mess those things are.
Chocolate with raisins in it.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what kids
want with their chocolate,
fruit.

Why don't you put sunflower
seeds in the Ding Dongs
while you're at it?

Is that part of
your stand-up act?

I don't know.
Did you like it?
I wouldn't open with it.

Pardon me, sir.
We're trying to locate
a possessed child.

Have you seen anyone
who looks like this?

Yeah, that's my son.
He's actually in
the Mini Mart right now.

He'll be out in a second.

I mean, I mean, no.
No, never seen him before.

Hmm...

What was that
first thing you said?

Oh, I was just saying
that baby in
the picture is my son.

He's traveling with us.
He's part of our family.

We're trying to
avoid being found
by police like you.

I mean, I was just remarking
what a nice tie you have on.

I love this tie.

All right,
you folks take care now.

Did you hear that
cashier's accent?

"Would you like
some change please, for you?"

You know,
if it weren't for 9/11,
those guys would be adorable.

Oh, my God, look!

Quick, into the bathroom!

We're gonna have to
come up with a way
to change your appearance.

Well, I could disguise myself
as Britney Spears.

I'm already standing
in urine, and I hate
the person I'm with.

Now, let's see,
there's got to be something
in here we can use.

Boy, that was
a close one back there.

Way to think on
your feet, Brian.

Well, we got lucky.
How you holding up, Stewie?

Um...

I feel right, Brian.
I feel right.

She won't care, Chris.
She's off on her
ninth honeymoon.

When will it work for her?

Howdy, new neighbors.
Pleased to welcome you.

We're the Lynches.
We live next door.

Nice to meet you.
We're the Griffins.

Nellie here is a homemaker,
and I'm a queer
chaser and beater.

Lois, I'm not sure this is
the right place for us.

These Texans are
socially backward

and politically,
they're all stubborn
as a mule.

No, sorry,
Kevin Bacon
wasn't in Footloose.

What? Of course he was.
No, he wasn't. You lose.

Of course he was.
He was the star.

No, you're wrong.
Look it up.

I don't have to look it up.
It's common knowledge.

He was on the cover of...
No, no, no.

People magazine
when the movie...
No, no.

Everyone knows...
No, no.

Kevin Bacon was
the star of Footloose.
No, no, no!

It was a huge movie.
He was the lead.
No, no, no, no!

No, no, no...

Look what the Lynches gave us.

A needlepoint of Chuck Norris
from Walker, Texas Ranger.

You know, they say
Chuck Norris is so tough,

there's no chin under his beard.

There is only another fist.

That's ridiculous.

Chuck Norris?

You know, this place
may be the upside to
everything that's happened.

The people are
kind and generous.

They seem wholesome and moral,

exactly the kind of influence
this family needs.

Lois, we're living in
a red state with a bunch
of right-wing nut jobs.

Hey, Chris,
check out my belt buckle.

It says,
"Everything's
bigger in Texas."

Belts are a great way
to express opinions.

This is Channel Five News,
Texas, with Duke Dillon.

Howdy, Texas, I'm Duke Dillon.

At the top of the news tonight,

authorities have
called off their pursuit

of a fugitive Rhode Island
baby who was thought to be
possessed by the devil.

Oh, thank God.

This turn of events came
after Vatican scientists
announced today

that the devil is
not the greatest threat
to salvation

due to last week's discovery
of the super devil.

Religion reporter
Dallas Houston
has the story.

Thanks, Duke.

Well, let me try to give you
a clear picture of what
we're dealing with here.

Here's a photo of the devil,
and here's the super devil.

Now, as you can see,
there are some
significant differences.

The super devil is at
least 6 inches taller.

He has a flying motorcycle

and a jar of marmalade
that we believe forces you
to commit adultery.

Thanks a lot, Dallas.

Looks like we've all got
something new
to be afraid of.

Everyone, it's over.
We can go back to Quahog.

Hey, Lois, did you
say something?

Oh, just that I think
you're gonna love this cake.

None for me, thanks.
It's gonna go
straight to my vagina.

That's what girls
worry about, right?
Having big vaginas?

Dad, why aren't
you taking the car?

Chris, we're in Texas now.
If I'm not riding a horse,

I'm gonna stick out
like a straight guy

in a figure skating competition.

Boo-ya!
Triple salchow in your face!

Hey, you want this?
Huh? You want some of this?

Oh, man, look at your rack.
I'd motorboat that.

I'd motorboat
the hell out of it.

Right after this layback spin.

Bottle of Jack Daniel's, please.

Here you go.
Thanks. What's this?

That's your gun.
Buy some liquor,
get a free gun.

Is that, like,
a special you have
on now or something?

Nope, Texas state law.
You have a nice day now.

State law?

God,
this place officially sucks
worse than the WNBA.

And at the top of
the second half,
it's 16 to 9.

Easton leads
the scoring with four.

And that's why
she commands $7,000 a year.

These gals sure do
make it look difficult.

But is
having this minor skill
worth being so unattractive?

That's for the fan to decide.

Yay!

Huh.

That was kind of cool.

Been a long day, Lois.
Long day.

Peter, what the hell?
You can't bring that
horse into our bed!

Lois, I cannot believe
you would ban
the horse from our bed.

He is a graceful,
majestic creature

who is a part of this family
and only wants
your love and respect.

The horse may have
pooped in the bed.

I hereby call this meeting
of the Texas Youth Club
to order.

First, I'd like to welcome
our two newcomers,
Chris and Meg Griffin.

Wow, this is the coolest club
I've ever been in.

Well, you're not
quite in the club yet.

You got to pass the initiation.

What do we have to do?

You got to sneak
onto the Crawford Ranch

and steal a pair of
George Bush's underwear.

And then bring it back here,
so we can bask in
its Bushy goodness.

Boy, that's even kinkier
than the porn they make
for senior citizens.

Can I help you, Edward?

Yeah, I'm here for
the early bird special.

Are those new slacks?

What's that now?

Are those new slacks?

I got these on
special at Caldor.

Who drove you there?

My nephew.

Oh!

That was nice of him.

I forgot why I came over.

Are those new slacks?

What is this?
What the hell
are we doing here?

Welcome to your first
toddler pageant, Stewie.

It's what you do
when you're in Texas.

Ticket to a semen-covered
death in the basement.

Why don't you meet
the other contestants
while I go register you?

Hi, Stephanie.
What's your talent?

I sing, I do gymnastics,
and I can play seven
instruments at the same time.

You could be
a threat to me. Chuck.

There it is.
The Crawford Ranch.

I can't believe we're
actually doing this.

What a bonding adventure
for the two of us.

Settle down, Meg.
Okay, I see old man
Cheney guarding the place.

18% approval ratings.

I'll give you 18% of
my foot in your ass.

I'd like you to meet
my daughter's husband,
Michael.

Wow, look how organized he is.

He's already got his
sugar cut up into neat

little lines for his
breakfast tomorrow.

And a razor blade to shave.

Wow, look at this.

I can't believe Mrs. Bush
kept all these Planned
Parenthood receipts.

Holy cow!

She's been scraped more times
than a fisherman's knuckle.

Hey! What are you
kids doing here?

You tell Javier to back off.
I'll have his money
by next week.

What?
Never mind.

Hey, you guys wanna
see something?

Grab a beer and follow me.

See this car?
I restored it
myself this summer.

I was here for 12 weeks.
I had to do something.

But along the way,
I learned about honesty,
integrity

and cold-filtered
Miller Genuine Draft.

That's an adult
beverage right there.

You understand
what I'm trying
to say to you?

Yes, but I have
just one question.

Can I borrow your underpants
for 10 minutes?

Hello? Oh, hi, Jillian.

Brian, I'm reading TV Guide.

Can you explain
how these "cheers"
and "jeers" work again?

Well, the "cheers"
is when they generally

approve of
something on television,

and "jeers" is when
they find some
sort of fault with it.

See, yeah, I'm not quite...

We can't do this over the phone.

You're gonna have to come over.

I can't come over.
We're still on the run,

because the town thinks
Stewie's possessed.

No, they don't.
Didn't you hear?

They stopped
chasing you weeks ago.

What? I have to go.

Wait, wait,
I have another question.

How do I know if I'm Jewish?

Are you Jewish?
No.

There you go, sport.
Thank you.

Hey, guys, thanks so much
for inviting me out today.

I'm psyched to
brand my first cow.

Here you are, Peter.
All fired up and ready to go.

Yes! Yes!
Hang on a second.

Man, Texas is great.
Back where I'm from,

a retarded guy
could never
have this much fun.

What'd you just say?

What?
Technically, I'm retarded.

Fellas, fellas,
can't we talk this over?

Talking is for
terrorists and blacks.

In Texas,
we execute the retarded!

Oh, my God.
So, this is how it ends?

I always thought I'd die
having to sit through
the Canadian Film Festival.

I don't wish to
cause you any harm,
and I won't. The end.

Horsey, you saved my life.

No problem, Peter.

Glad to help out.

Wow, Gilbert Gottfried.

That's right!
Awesome.

Now, the final contestant
for our talent portion
of the competition,

Stephanie Griffin.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, what's the deal
with Chunky bars, huh?

Chocolate with raisins in it.

Yeah, that's what kids want
with their chocolate, fruit.

Wow, that bit's killing.

Hey, Lois, great news.
We can go back to Quahog.

Yeah, I know, Brian.

We're about to
see if Stewie won.

Wait a minute, you know?
How long have you known?

A few weeks. Who cares?
Wait a minute. You...

You've known for weeks
and you've been lying
about having to stay here?

Brian, don't you see?

This is a wholesome community
with real values.

And our first runner-up is...

Miss Dixie-Ann Thomas,

which means that
Miss Stephanie Griffin
is our new Little Miss Texas!

Oh! Oh, my God!
Oh, I never expected this!

Oh, I'm so, so honored!

Hey! That's not a girl!

It's Enrico Palazzo!

No, it's not!
It's one of them
queerosexuals!

Get him!

Quick, get on!

Thank you for all your help.

My pleasure, Peter.

Any time.
Oh, fantastic.

Hey, do you still do stand-up?

I do. I'm still touring.

Oh, wow, can we get tickets?
Absolutely.

I'm in Atlanta next week.

Great. Oh, well,
this will be fun.

It is so good to be home.

You know, I wanted
us to live in a place
with real family values.

But values don't
come from where you live
or who your friends are.

They come from inside,
from your own beliefs.

I agree, Lois.
Like for instance,
if you're watching a TV show

and you decide to
take your values
from that, you're an idiot.

Maybe you should take
responsibility for what
values your kids are getting.

Maybe you shouldn't be
letting your kids

watch certain shows
in the first place

if you have such
a big problem with them,

instead of blaming
the shows themselves.

Yeah.