Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

We now return to Julia Louis-Dreyfus in Now It's Just Getting Sad.

Okay, okay, hear me out.

My character is a therapist living in the city,

but I'm married to an elephant.

Hi, I'm the husband.

Hey, honey. We're going to my parents' this weekend. Did you pack your trunk?

I don't think I want to go.

I don't like going to your parents'.

Why?

Maybe because your dad's an ivory hunter?

See? There's a lot going on here. Lot going on.

It actually... It actually gets pretty watchable.

Damn, it's still raining.

Lois, you mind if I go in the house?

Fine, fine, just put the newspaper down.

Hey, Lois, look at this. The church is holding auditions for a new organist.

Really? Wow. You know, that sounds like it could be a lot of fun.

Yeah, it's been a while since you've had the chance to play in public.

Church organist? That's boring.

Why don't you do something more interesting?

Like when I had that job feeding the homeless.

That's gonna make you big and strong.

Burping time. Oh, smells like someone needs to be changed.

When was the last time you were changed? Seven days ago?

That's one week. There are seven days in a week.

I love you, filthy hobo.

All right.

Why do you say "organist" if you don't want...

I don't understand the world anymore.

Here be a jaunty sea shanty from me boyhood.

♪ You shake me nerves and you rattle me brain

♪ Too much love drives a man insane

♪ You broke me will

♪ Oh, what a thrill

♪ Goodness gracious, great balls of fire ♪

♪ I know what boys like

♪ I know what guys want

♪ I know what boys like

♪ Boys like

♪ Boys like me ♪

All right, up next is Lois Griffin.

Well, I don't know if I can compete with the rest of these people, but here goes.

My word, what a fascinating man this Jesus must've been.

I can just imagine meeting him.

That was beautiful, Mrs. Griffin.

Up next is, Jake Tucker.

Finally. Some of us have been waiting all evening

for a certain wife to come home and feed her starving family.

Peter, I told you I was gonna be late.

Couldn't you have handled dinner?

You can't ask me to make dinner, Lois.

That's like asking me to choose between Sarah Jessica Parker and Kirsten Dunst

in a hot body/weird face contest.

It can't be done.

Well, I've got good news.

I'm gonna be the church's new organist.

Hey, congrats. Wow, Mom, that's great.

That means you'll play the organ.

It also means that this family is gonna start going to church again on Sundays.

Being there today reminded me of how important religious services are

to the moral fiber of a family.

And lately this family has been lacking moral fiber. Especially you, Meg.

Meg! What happened to you?

She can't answer you. She can't even talk.

Ever since she started smoking pot, she just kind of lays there.

It's really sad and a tiny bit funny.

Oh, my God, I think I'm getting a contact high.

Now I'm messed up, too.

Orning, everyone. Please turn to hymn number 387.

♪ God, you are so cool

♪ Although, sometimes it's, like, what's the deal?

♪ You never answer your cell phone

♪ And your messages are often ambiguous

♪ Amen ♪

A reading from the book of Leviticus.

"Thou shalt not spill thy seed into thy sock,

"and then cram it to the bottom of the hamper

"like it's been there a long time." The word of the Lord.

Am so hungry. Hey, look, they're handing out cookies up there.

Stewie, wait, don't...

Hey, there. Eat up, y'all.

Youse is good churchgoing folk. Y'all deserve a little treat.

Give me that!

Well, aren't you an enthusiastic wafer muncher.

What is that, punch?

Oh, don't y'all drink that. Youse gonna get sick.

Yup.

That baby just threw up the host! That's a sign of the devil!

Oh, my God, is he possessed? He's possessed!

That baby is possessed by Satan!

Calm down, everyone. He's just a little sick.

I'll take him home. Come on, sweetie.

Sweet, we are out of here. Now I can do what I planned to do this morning.

Gladiator mice.

Yes! Yes! Die! Die! Die!

I have everything and you have nothing!

What a horrible morning.

You know, all I wanted

was for us to share a simple Sunday church service as a family.

But I guess that's too much to ask.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Griffin. We're here to take custody of your baby

so that the good reverend here can perform an exorcism

and banish the devil from his infant soul.

What? You are not performing an exorcism on my baby.

Mrs. Griffin, you can give him to us, or we can take him by force.

No! Don't worry, Lois.

We'll hide in the one place they can't find us.

In imagination land.

Where you burp where you fart and you fart where you burp.

Indeed, that's how it happens.

Where're we going?

Who cares? As long as it's away from those bloody church fanatics.

We're going to Texas.

We can stay at my sister Carol's place until this blows over.

Texas? We're going to Texas in search of religious tolerance?

That's gonna be like trying to get Sneakers O'Toole to take his sneakers off.

♪ I'm not taking my sneakers off I'm Sneakers O'Toole ♪

Hey, take those sneakers off.

No! Take them off, I said!

No!

Let him go. We'll never catch him. Not in these shoes.

♪ I didn't take my sneakers off I'm still Sneakers O'Toole ♪

Holy crap!

You marry Billy Joel, it's gonna happen one way or another.

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

And I'm Diane Simmons.

Authorities are on the lookout for one-year-old Stewie Griffin,

a Quahog infant who is believed to be possessed by Satan.

A substantial reward is being offered for any information leading to his capture.

We've got the exclusive interview.

I was about to bone my girlfriend, out at the lake,

but suddenly, she yelled, so I looked up and it was Bigfoot.

So, what happened next?

Then, I went back to bone her,

but the mosquitoes were going crazy

and she said there was no way.

All right, get your snacks, and hurry out, you guys.

There, look, they have Chunky bars.

What a God-awful mess those things are. Chocolate with raisins in it.

Yeah. Yeah, that's what kids want with their chocolate, fruit.

Why don't you put sunflower seeds in the Ding Dongs while you're at it?

Is that part of your stand-up act?

I don't know. Did you like it? I wouldn't open with it.

Pardon me, sir. We're trying to locate a possessed child.

Have you seen anyone who looks like this?

Yeah, that's my son. He's actually in the Mini Mart right now.

He'll be out in a second.

I mean, I mean, no. No, never seen him before.

Hmm...

What was that first thing you said?

Oh, I was just saying that baby in the picture is my son.

He's traveling with us. He's part of our family.

We're trying to avoid being found by police like you.

I mean, I was just remarking what a nice tie you have on.

I love this tie.

All right, you folks take care now.

Did you hear that cashier's accent?

"Would you like some change please, for you?"

You know, if it weren't for 9/11, those guys would be adorable.

Oh, my God, look!

Quick, into the bathroom!

We're gonna have to come up with a way to change your appearance.

Well, I could disguise myself as Britney Spears.

I'm already standing in urine, and I hate the person I'm with.

Now, let's see, there's got to be something in here we can use.

Boy, that was a close one back there.

Way to think on your feet, Brian.

Well, we got lucky. How you holding up, Stewie?

Um...

I feel right, Brian. I feel right.

She won't care, Chris. She's off on her ninth honeymoon.

When will it work for her?

Howdy, new neighbors. Pleased to welcome you.

We're the Lynches. We live next door.

Nice to meet you. We're the Griffins.

Nellie here is a homemaker, and I'm a queer chaser and beater.

Lois, I'm not sure this is the right place for us.

These Texans are socially backward

and politically, they're all stubborn as a mule.

No, sorry, Kevin Bacon wasn't in Footloose.

What? Of course he was. No, he wasn't. You lose.

Of course he was. He was the star.

No, you're wrong. Look it up.

I don't have to look it up. It's common knowledge.

He was on the cover of... No, no, no.

People magazine when the movie... No, no.

Everyone knows... No, no.

Kevin Bacon was the star of Footloose. No, no, no!

It was a huge movie. He was the lead. No, no, no, no!

No, no, no...

Look what the Lynches gave us.

A needlepoint of Chuck Norris from Walker, Texas Ranger.

You know, they say Chuck Norris is so tough,

there's no chin under his beard.

There is only another fist.

That's ridiculous.

Chuck Norris?

You know, this place may be the upside to everything that's happened.

The people are kind and generous.

They seem wholesome and moral,

exactly the kind of influence this family needs.

Lois, we're living in a red state with a bunch of right-wing nut jobs.

Hey, Chris, check out my belt buckle.

It says, "Everything's bigger in Texas."

Belts are a great way to express opinions.

This is Channel Five News, Texas, with Duke Dillon.

Howdy, Texas, I'm Duke Dillon.

At the top of the news tonight,

authorities have called off their pursuit

of a fugitive Rhode Island baby who was thought to be possessed by the devil.

Oh, thank God.

This turn of events came after Vatican scientists announced today

that the devil is not the greatest threat to salvation

due to last week's discovery of the super devil.

Religion reporter Dallas Houston has the story.

Thanks, Duke.

Well, let me try to give you a clear picture of what we're dealing with here.

Here's a photo of the devil, and here's the super devil.

Now, as you can see, there are some significant differences.

The super devil is at least 6 inches taller.

He has a flying motorcycle

and a jar of marmalade that we believe forces you to commit adultery.

Thanks a lot, Dallas.

Looks like we've all got something new to be afraid of.

Everyone, it's over. We can go back to Quahog.

Hey, Lois, did you say something?

Oh, just that I think you're gonna love this cake.

None for me, thanks. It's gonna go straight to my vagina.

That's what girls worry about, right? Having big vaginas?

Dad, why aren't you taking the car?

Chris, we're in Texas now. If I'm not riding a horse,

I'm gonna stick out like a straight guy

in a figure skating competition.

Boo-ya! Triple salchow in your face!

Hey, you want this? Huh? You want some of this?

Oh, man, look at your rack. I'd motorboat that.

I'd motorboat the hell out of it.

Right after this layback spin.

Bottle of Jack Daniel's, please.

Here you go. Thanks. What's this?

That's your gun. Buy some liquor, get a free gun.

Is that, like, a special you have on now or something?

Nope, Texas state law. You have a nice day now.

State law?

God, this place officially sucks worse than the WNBA.

And at the top of the second half, it's 16 to 9.

Easton leads the scoring with four.

And that's why she commands $7,000 a year.

These gals sure do make it look difficult.

But is having this minor skill worth being so unattractive?

That's for the fan to decide.

Yay!

Huh.

That was kind of cool.

Been a long day, Lois. Long day.

Peter, what the hell? You can't bring that horse into our bed!

Lois, I cannot believe you would ban the horse from our bed.

He is a graceful, majestic creature

who is a part of this family and only wants your love and respect.

The horse may have pooped in the bed.

I hereby call this meeting of the Texas Youth Club to order.

First, I'd like to welcome our two newcomers, Chris and Meg Griffin.

Wow, this is the coolest club I've ever been in.

Well, you're not quite in the club yet.

You got to pass the initiation.

What do we have to do?

You got to sneak onto the Crawford Ranch

and steal a pair of George Bush's underwear.

And then bring it back here, so we can bask in its Bushy goodness.

Boy, that's even kinkier than the porn they make for senior citizens.

Can I help you, Edward?

Yeah, I'm here for the early bird special.

Are those new slacks?

What's that now?

Are those new slacks?

I got these on special at Caldor.

Who drove you there?

My nephew.

Oh!

That was nice of him.

I forgot why I came over.

Are those new slacks?

What is this? What the hell are we doing here?

Welcome to your first toddler pageant, Stewie.

It's what you do when you're in Texas.

Ticket to a semen-covered death in the basement.

Why don't you meet the other contestants while I go register you?

Hi, Stephanie. What's your talent?

I sing, I do gymnastics, and I can play seven instruments at the same time.

You could be a threat to me. Chuck.

There it is. The Crawford Ranch.

I can't believe we're actually doing this.

What a bonding adventure for the two of us.

Settle down, Meg. Okay, I see old man Cheney guarding the place.

18% approval ratings.

I'll give you 18% of my foot in your ass.

I'd like you to meet my daughter's husband, Michael.

Wow, look how organized he is.

He's already got his sugar cut up into neat

little lines for his breakfast tomorrow.

And a razor blade to shave.

Wow, look at this.

I can't believe Mrs. Bush kept all these Planned Parenthood receipts.

Holy cow!

She's been scraped more times than a fisherman's knuckle.

Hey! What are you kids doing here?

You tell Javier to back off. I'll have his money by next week.

What? Never mind.

Hey, you guys wanna see something?

Grab a beer and follow me.

See this car? I restored it myself this summer.

I was here for 12 weeks. I had to do something.

But along the way, I learned about honesty, integrity

and cold-filtered Miller Genuine Draft.

That's an adult beverage right there.

You understand what I'm trying to say to you?

Yes, but I have just one question.

Can I borrow your underpants for 10 minutes?

Hello? Oh, hi, Jillian.

Brian, I'm reading TV Guide.

Can you explain how these "cheers" and "jeers" work again?

Well, the "cheers" is when they generally

approve of something on television,

and "jeers" is when they find some sort of fault with it.

See, yeah, I'm not quite...

We can't do this over the phone.

You're gonna have to come over.

I can't come over. We're still on the run,

because the town thinks Stewie's possessed.

No, they don't. Didn't you hear?

They stopped chasing you weeks ago.

What? I have to go.

Wait, wait, I have another question.

How do I know if I'm Jewish?

Are you Jewish? No.

There you go, sport. Thank you.

Hey, guys, thanks so much for inviting me out today.

I'm psyched to brand my first cow.

Here you are, Peter. All fired up and ready to go.

Yes! Yes! Hang on a second.

Man, Texas is great. Back where I'm from,

a retarded guy could never have this much fun.

What'd you just say?

What? Technically, I'm retarded.

Fellas, fellas, can't we talk this over?

Talking is for terrorists and blacks.

In Texas, we execute the retarded!

Oh, my God. So, this is how it ends?

I always thought I'd die having to sit through the Canadian Film Festival.

I don't wish to cause you any harm, and I won't. The end.

Horsey, you saved my life.

No problem, Peter.

Glad to help out.

Wow, Gilbert Gottfried.

That's right! Awesome.

Now, the final contestant for our talent portion of the competition,

Stephanie Griffin.

Thank you, thank you.

Hey, what's the deal with Chunky bars, huh?

Chocolate with raisins in it.

Yeah, that's what kids want with their chocolate, fruit.

Wow, that bit's killing.

Hey, Lois, great news. We can go back to Quahog.

Yeah, I know, Brian.

We're about to see if Stewie won.

Wait a minute, you know? How long have you known?

A few weeks. Who cares? Wait a minute. You...

You've known for weeks and you've been lying about having to stay here?

Brian, don't you see?

This is a wholesome community with real values.

And our first runner-up is...

Miss Dixie-Ann Thomas,

which means that Miss Stephanie Griffin is our new Little Miss Texas!

Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, I never expected this!

Oh, I'm so, so honored!

Hey! That's not a girl!

It's Enrico Palazzo!

No, it's not! It's one of them queerosexuals!

Get him!

Quick, get on!

Thank you for all your help.

My pleasure, Peter.

Any time. Oh, fantastic.

Hey, do you still do stand-up?

I do. I'm still touring.

Oh, wow, can we get tickets? Absolutely.

I'm in Atlanta next week.

Great. Oh, well, this will be fun.

It is so good to be home.

You know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values.

But values don't come from where you live or who your friends are.

They come from inside, from your own beliefs.

I agree, Lois. Like for instance, if you're watching a TV show

and you decide to take your values from that, you're an idiot.

Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting.

Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids

watch certain shows in the first place

if you have such a big problem with them,

instead of blaming the shows themselves.

Yeah.