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♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:05,672 --> 00:00:09,307
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:12,744
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,414
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:15,483 --> 00:00:19,317
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:22,688
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,991
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,060 --> 00:00:30,695
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:36,971 --> 00:00:39,570
This was such a great idea
for a weekend activity.
11
00:00:39,639 --> 00:00:41,585
Well, I thought it'd be good
to get out of the house.
12
00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:44,020
I don't like
the kids being around
that racist sunflower
13
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,178
that's growing in our yard.
14
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:49,148
Hey, boy, don't you come
walking by this house.
15
00:00:49,216 --> 00:00:50,416
You're ignorant.
16
00:00:53,821 --> 00:00:56,822
Hey, Mr. Eel.
You're slippery.
17
00:00:56,891 --> 00:00:58,824
Oops, got away.
18
00:00:58,893 --> 00:01:01,527
Mmm. Left my hand
smelling funny.
19
00:01:01,595 --> 00:01:04,095
Come here, Jesse.
Smell my finger.
20
00:01:06,901 --> 00:01:10,135
Mmm. Mmm.
21
00:01:11,405 --> 00:01:14,739
Today was a good day.
22
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:19,010
Hey, look, kids, it's
a re-creation of the lost city
of New Orleans.
23
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:28,387
Dad, was there ever
a real city of New Orleans?
24
00:01:28,455 --> 00:01:31,523
No one knows, Chris.
No one knows.
25
00:01:34,561 --> 00:01:36,573
Hey, Brian, look,
I'm a stripper.
26
00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,475
I'm working my way
through college.
27
00:01:38,499 --> 00:01:40,744
I should be more reluctant
to take my clothes off,
28
00:01:40,768 --> 00:01:44,168
but I'm not because
my stepfather had
boundary issues.
29
00:01:45,739 --> 00:01:47,438
Hey, there, Mr. Octopus.
30
00:01:47,507 --> 00:01:50,308
I see you got two eyes
but not much else.
31
00:01:50,377 --> 00:01:52,077
We can fix that.
32
00:01:52,146 --> 00:01:55,547
Let's give you a nice,
tweedlie little
mustache here.
33
00:01:55,616 --> 00:01:58,950
And maybe a big, old
dumb-guy smiley mouth.
34
00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:02,987
And a couple of eyebrows
with one raised up like
you're saying, "Say what?"
35
00:02:03,056 --> 00:02:05,223
Look who's got pimples.
36
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:08,226
And right before the big dance.
37
00:02:09,964 --> 00:02:12,631
Help!
It's so sucky and squeezy!
38
00:02:12,699 --> 00:02:13,932
I'll handle this.
39
00:02:14,001 --> 00:02:16,501
I've tangled with
the likes of these before.
40
00:02:21,808 --> 00:02:24,309
Wow, that was awesome,
Mr. Seamus.
41
00:02:24,378 --> 00:02:27,412
Ah, it was nothing.
That's how I caught
old Woody over there.
42
00:02:34,688 --> 00:02:37,756
In other news,former President Bill Clintonwas in town today
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00:02:37,825 --> 00:02:41,359
to judge Quahog's annual
Miss Cankle USA contest.
44
00:02:44,632 --> 00:02:46,197
Now that's a cankle.
45
00:02:46,266 --> 00:02:49,067
Where does the calf fat end
and the ankle fat begin?
46
00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:51,637
Who knows?
That's the fun.
47
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,873
Brian,
what is this on my shoe?
My poop.
48
00:02:54,942 --> 00:02:56,942
That's right,
and it's disgusting.
49
00:02:57,011 --> 00:02:59,544
I am sick of you
using the front yard
as your bathroom.
50
00:02:59,613 --> 00:03:02,213
It's time you
learned to use the toilet
like everyone else.
51
00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:03,660
I'm going to sneeze,
I'm going to sneeze,
52
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:05,284
I'm going to sneeze,
I'm going to sneeze.
53
00:03:11,291 --> 00:03:13,025
Bye, Lois.
I'm going to the gym.
54
00:03:13,093 --> 00:03:15,327
Okay, see you...
Wait. What?
55
00:03:15,395 --> 00:03:16,795
Since when do you go to the gym?
56
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:18,708
Well, it's just that whole
thing at the aquarium
57
00:03:18,732 --> 00:03:20,832
made me realize
I'm completely out of shape.
58
00:03:20,901 --> 00:03:23,012
I mean, what if I run into
that octopus again?
59
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,469
Peter, that's ridiculous.
60
00:03:24,537 --> 00:03:27,439
Ready for round two, man?
I got all day.
61
00:03:27,508 --> 00:03:29,073
Hey, is that your wife?
62
00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:35,367
Hey, I didn't know
you guys work out here.
63
00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:37,827
Yeah, it's a weekly regimen.
Come on, come on,
Cleveland, push it.
64
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:40,229
Come on, come on,
push it, push it. Push it,
come on, it's all you.
65
00:03:40,253 --> 00:03:41,853
It's all you, it's all...
Hey.
66
00:03:41,921 --> 00:03:44,589
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn,
Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!
67
00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:46,169
Will you guys quiet down?
68
00:03:46,193 --> 00:03:48,559
I'm trying to concentrate
on my cardio.
69
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,198
Hey, you guys the trainers here?
70
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:56,835
Why, look, Barnaby,
a new recreation enthusiast.
71
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:59,604
We'll start off your workout
with vigorous calisthenics
72
00:03:59,673 --> 00:04:01,105
executed in rhythmic time
73
00:04:01,174 --> 00:04:05,444
with acetate pressings
of the new musical
craze called jazz.
74
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:09,013
♪ Steak and eggs
and eggs and steak
75
00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:11,349
♪ That's what you should
have for breakfast
76
00:04:11,418 --> 00:04:12,484
♪ Delicious
77
00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:16,020
♪ Steak and eggs
and eggs and steak
78
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,523
♪ Just making sure you heard
79
00:04:18,592 --> 00:04:19,712
♪ I got it ♪
80
00:04:22,862 --> 00:04:24,074
How do you think it works?
81
00:04:24,098 --> 00:04:25,397
I have no idea.
82
00:04:25,466 --> 00:04:27,643
Look, Lois told me
I had to start
using the toilet
83
00:04:27,667 --> 00:04:29,011
and you're the one
who's had potty training,
84
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,580
so I'm counting
on you to help me.
85
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:32,437
All right,
we're two intelligent guys.
86
00:04:32,506 --> 00:04:33,805
We can figure this out.
87
00:04:35,676 --> 00:04:37,175
What's that big back part?
88
00:04:37,243 --> 00:04:40,178
Maybe that's
where the wizard lives
who operates this thing.
89
00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:42,213
It would be wise
not to anger him.
90
00:04:42,282 --> 00:04:43,660
I wonder what this thing is for.
91
00:04:43,684 --> 00:04:45,984
Brian, be careful with that.
We don't know what it does.
92
00:04:46,053 --> 00:04:47,485
All right, here goes.
93
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:50,021
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Careful. Careful.
Careful. Careful.
94
00:04:57,430 --> 00:04:58,697
Don't mind me, you guys.
95
00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:01,733
I'm just writing
a letter to my boyfriend.
96
00:05:01,802 --> 00:05:06,738
"Dear my boyfriend.
Thank you for making out
with me recently on purpose.
97
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:10,175
"That was cool.
Those flowers that
you totally sent me
98
00:05:10,243 --> 00:05:13,878
"were really pretty,
just like you said I am.
99
00:05:13,947 --> 00:05:15,080
"Love, Meg."
100
00:05:15,148 --> 00:05:16,981
Meg, you are so full of crap.
101
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:19,150
You're like those people
who sit in Starbucks
102
00:05:19,219 --> 00:05:21,385
and publicly write
on their laptops.
103
00:05:21,454 --> 00:05:23,299
Hey, getting some writing
done there, buddy?
104
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:27,259
Yeah, setting up in public
so everybody can watch me
type my big screenplay.
105
00:05:27,327 --> 00:05:29,805
Me, too.
All real writers need
to be seen writing.
106
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,374
Otherwise,
what's the point, right?
107
00:05:31,398 --> 00:05:32,642
You should
totally write that down.
108
00:05:32,666 --> 00:05:34,366
Okay. Will you watch me?
109
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,601
Hello, flabby,
out-of-shape family.
110
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:38,636
Check out my bulging rippliness.
111
00:05:38,705 --> 00:05:42,006
Peter, you've been to the gym
once for 15 minutes.
112
00:05:42,075 --> 00:05:44,476
And I'm 15 minutes
stronger, Brian.
113
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:46,655
I'd rip a phone book in half,
but for the life of me,
114
00:05:46,679 --> 00:05:48,847
I don't know anyone who uses
a phone book anymore.
115
00:05:48,915 --> 00:05:50,481
So I'll use Meg's laptop.
116
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:54,752
Dad! What the hell?
117
00:06:00,794 --> 00:06:02,471
Look at him in that tank top.
118
00:06:02,495 --> 00:06:06,597
He looks more
pathetic than John Merrick
when he went on match.com.
119
00:06:06,666 --> 00:06:10,235
There's no way
you're a size six.
120
00:06:11,638 --> 00:06:13,739
I haven't felt
this good in years.
121
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:15,652
I feel like
Arnold Schwarzenegger
122
00:06:15,676 --> 00:06:18,156
without the fruity accent
and the Pirates ofthe Caribbean wife.
123
00:06:20,714 --> 00:06:22,446
Excuse me, sir.
Secret Service.
124
00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:24,327
I wonder if we might ask
for your assistance.
125
00:06:24,351 --> 00:06:25,551
Yeah, what's the problem?
126
00:06:25,586 --> 00:06:27,196
We're with President
Clinton's motorcade.
127
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:29,621
It seems he blew a tire
in front of your house.
128
00:06:29,690 --> 00:06:32,156
Boy, that guy is
really horny, isn't he?
129
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:34,003
Would you happen to have
a jack we could borrow?
130
00:06:34,027 --> 00:06:36,261
You don't need a jack.
I am a jack.
131
00:06:36,330 --> 00:06:39,397
Come on,
I'll lift that thing for you.
132
00:06:39,466 --> 00:06:41,199
Hey, I appreciate
your help, man.
133
00:06:41,267 --> 00:06:44,302
We're a little overloaded
'cause I'm having
a fat-chick party back here.
134
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:48,006
All right, girls.
I've turned off the A/C.
135
00:06:48,075 --> 00:06:51,910
First one to have
a bead of neck sweat reach
their butt crack wins.
136
00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:53,812
All right, boys,
now watch how this is done.
137
00:06:53,880 --> 00:06:56,447
The key is to put
it all in your groin
and your back.
138
00:06:56,516 --> 00:06:58,716
Take your legs
totally out of the equation.
139
00:06:58,785 --> 00:07:01,452
Lift with your lower back
in a jerking,
twisting motion.
140
00:07:02,822 --> 00:07:04,100
Peter!
Oh, my God!
141
00:07:04,124 --> 00:07:05,757
Call an ambulance!
142
00:07:05,826 --> 00:07:08,626
All right,
so which one of y'all ain't
got my herpes yet?
143
00:07:12,966 --> 00:07:14,365
How's the hernia, Peter?
144
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,312
You know what
the worst part
of it is, Lois?
145
00:07:16,336 --> 00:07:19,404
I thought I was
just out of shape,
but that ain't it at all.
146
00:07:19,473 --> 00:07:22,340
I gotta face the fact
that I'm just getting old.
147
00:07:22,409 --> 00:07:23,475
Knock, knock.
148
00:07:23,544 --> 00:07:25,384
Mr. President,
what are you doing here?
149
00:07:25,412 --> 00:07:28,157
Well, I felt so bad
that Peter hurt himself
fixing my car,
150
00:07:28,181 --> 00:07:30,414
I wanted to stop by
and extend my good wishes.
151
00:07:30,484 --> 00:07:32,149
Wow! Bill Clinton!
152
00:07:32,218 --> 00:07:34,664
Hey, can I get
a picture of you
on my cell phone?
153
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:35,720
Sure.
154
00:07:36,990 --> 00:07:38,501
You know where I got
that nipple ring?
155
00:07:38,525 --> 00:07:41,325
Ol' Straddlin'
Madeleine Albright
gave it to me.
156
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,628
Say, you look like
you're pretty down, Peter.
157
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,575
Ah, it's just that
I'm starting to realize
158
00:07:45,599 --> 00:07:47,443
I'm not as young
as I used to be.
159
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:48,499
I hear you.
160
00:07:48,568 --> 00:07:50,267
After my bypass,
I remember wondering
161
00:07:50,336 --> 00:07:52,003
if it was all
downhill from there.
162
00:07:52,072 --> 00:07:54,005
But then I realized
it doesn't have to be.
163
00:07:54,074 --> 00:07:56,007
You're only as
young as you feel.
164
00:07:56,076 --> 00:07:58,343
I don't know, Reagan,
I wish I could believe that.
165
00:07:58,411 --> 00:07:59,956
I'm going to
make you believe it.
166
00:07:59,980 --> 00:08:01,513
When you get out of here,
167
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:03,659
I'm going to take you out
and show you
the time of your life.
168
00:08:03,683 --> 00:08:04,916
And by the time we're done,
169
00:08:04,984 --> 00:08:07,430
I promise
you're going to feel
like a young man again.
170
00:08:07,454 --> 00:08:08,998
Well, if you really
think it'll help.
171
00:08:09,022 --> 00:08:10,322
I sure do.
172
00:08:10,390 --> 00:08:13,324
Know what else will help?
A little saxophone therapy.
173
00:08:39,252 --> 00:08:40,651
You can have me.
174
00:08:47,394 --> 00:08:48,726
What's that?
175
00:08:48,795 --> 00:08:50,273
Well, since I couldn't help
you learn to use the toilet,
176
00:08:50,297 --> 00:08:51,696
I found something that can.
177
00:08:51,764 --> 00:08:54,532
It's an instructional video
on toilet training.
178
00:08:54,600 --> 00:08:56,167
Hiya, I'm Roy Scheider.
179
00:08:56,236 --> 00:08:58,737
And today we'regoing to learnto use the potty.
180
00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:01,205
Folks, say hi
to my pal Hungry Hank.
181
00:09:01,274 --> 00:09:02,706
How's it going, Hank?
182
00:09:02,775 --> 00:09:05,476
I'm hungry for your poo.
Don't make me starve.
183
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:11,749
Remember, it's not
really about pushing,
184
00:09:11,818 --> 00:09:16,020
as much as just relaxingand letting your body dowhat it does naturally.
185
00:09:17,590 --> 00:09:19,157
What the hell?
186
00:09:21,662 --> 00:09:24,529
Now, here's Susan
Saint James to help me wipe.
187
00:09:24,598 --> 00:09:26,798
All right, Peter, we've got
a big day ahead of us.
188
00:09:26,833 --> 00:09:29,600
I'm going to show you
that age is just
a state of mind.
189
00:09:29,670 --> 00:09:30,902
Come on, hop in my limo.
190
00:09:30,971 --> 00:09:33,104
Wow, a limo! Shotgun!
191
00:09:37,877 --> 00:09:39,421
Watch the screen, not your feet.
192
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:40,778
Bill, shut up, I got it.
193
00:09:40,847 --> 00:09:42,179
Number 32.
194
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:43,614
Oh, no, our pizza's ready.
195
00:09:43,684 --> 00:09:45,382
Tag out, man, tag out.
196
00:09:45,451 --> 00:09:49,454
♪ I'm a Barbie girl
in a Barbie world
197
00:09:49,522 --> 00:09:52,791
♪ Wrapped in plastic,
it's fantastic
198
00:09:52,859 --> 00:09:54,699
♪ Come on, Barbie,
let's go party
199
00:09:54,727 --> 00:09:56,527
♪ Ah, ah, ah, yeah ♪
200
00:09:58,231 --> 00:09:59,664
Oh, boy, this is going
to be fun.
201
00:09:59,733 --> 00:10:01,933
I haven't made
a crank call in years.
202
00:10:03,536 --> 00:10:05,114
Quiet, quiet.
It's ringing.
203
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:07,939
Hello?
Hello, is this Linda Tripp?
204
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,340
Yes.
205
00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:12,710
You shouldn't have talked,
you stupid bitch!
I hope you die!
206
00:10:12,779 --> 00:10:16,481
Boy, that, uh...
That wasn't really
a crank call. That was...
207
00:10:16,549 --> 00:10:18,916
That was just unpleasant.
Sorry about that.
208
00:10:18,985 --> 00:10:21,652
It's okay.
You know what, Bill?
You were right.
209
00:10:21,721 --> 00:10:24,923
Ever since you and I have
been hanging out,
I feel 20 years younger.
210
00:10:24,991 --> 00:10:26,951
You've completely
changed my life.
211
00:10:26,993 --> 00:10:28,426
See, I told you, Peter.
212
00:10:28,494 --> 00:10:30,261
Age is just a state of mind.
213
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:31,696
So what do you want to do next?
214
00:10:31,765 --> 00:10:33,831
Go to Mars, dude.
215
00:10:37,604 --> 00:10:39,315
Boy, I'm getting kind of hungry.
216
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:40,605
Me, too.
217
00:10:40,673 --> 00:10:42,974
Hey! Hey, pull over, man!
Pull over!
218
00:10:45,378 --> 00:10:47,545
Dude, check it out.
219
00:10:47,613 --> 00:10:49,713
There's a pig behind that fence.
220
00:10:51,083 --> 00:10:52,783
Oh, yeah, I see it.
221
00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,986
Dude, we could eat that pig.
222
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,135
What?
223
00:10:56,189 --> 00:10:59,023
Dude, come on.
We could totally eat that pig.
224
00:10:59,092 --> 00:11:00,658
We could...
We could do it, man.
225
00:11:00,727 --> 00:11:02,260
We could.
It'd be so easy, man.
226
00:11:02,328 --> 00:11:03,773
It would take, like, a minute.
227
00:11:03,797 --> 00:11:06,064
Could it really be that fast?
228
00:11:06,132 --> 00:11:08,867
Peter, that pig could be
in our stomachs
229
00:11:08,935 --> 00:11:10,668
in, like, one minute,
and then we could...
230
00:11:10,737 --> 00:11:13,037
And then...
And then we could
do other stuff.
231
00:11:17,277 --> 00:11:19,276
All right.
I'm starved. Let's do it.
232
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:24,749
Who's there?
233
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,818
Oh, crap!
Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
234
00:11:28,888 --> 00:11:31,322
Doggone it!
If he wanted a pig,
235
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,391
why didn't he just take my wife?
236
00:11:35,194 --> 00:11:38,697
And now,
ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.
237
00:11:46,739 --> 00:11:50,441
♪ There's no need
in goin' over
238
00:11:50,510 --> 00:11:53,244
♪ All the things
that took me under ♪
239
00:11:58,618 --> 00:12:00,818
Hello, old friend.
240
00:12:01,988 --> 00:12:03,154
What the hell?
241
00:12:03,222 --> 00:12:06,724
No! No!
You do not go on this lawn!
242
00:12:06,793 --> 00:12:08,359
Brian, I've had enough of this.
243
00:12:08,428 --> 00:12:11,468
It's more disgusting
than when you gave me
that Christmas gift.
244
00:12:11,531 --> 00:12:14,599
Oh, what is it?
A little birdie?
245
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:18,803
Oh! Oh, my God!
It's dead! Brian!
246
00:12:18,872 --> 00:12:21,806
Oh! Oh,
Brian, this is disgusting!
247
00:12:21,875 --> 00:12:23,507
Oh, my God!
Get it out of here!
248
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:24,608
I'm... I'm sorry.
249
00:12:24,677 --> 00:12:26,321
I thought...
I thought you'd like it.
250
00:12:26,345 --> 00:12:28,312
Brian, I love it!
251
00:12:28,381 --> 00:12:30,615
I'm going to
call you Stickyhead.
252
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:32,883
I love you, Stickyhead.
253
00:12:32,952 --> 00:12:34,763
Brian, if you're not
going to use the toilet,
254
00:12:34,787 --> 00:12:36,687
there's only one solution.
255
00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:39,923
Hey, Brian, did you know
that Brad Pitt is
John Lithgow's nephew?
256
00:12:39,992 --> 00:12:41,403
He is?
No,
257
00:12:41,427 --> 00:12:42,838
but doesn't that sound like
something that could be true?
258
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:45,129
Oh, my God!
You're wearing a diaper!
259
00:12:45,198 --> 00:12:46,331
You look silly.
260
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,833
Why? You wear a diaper.
Yes, but I'm a baby.
261
00:12:48,901 --> 00:12:50,279
People see my diaper,
and they say,
262
00:12:50,303 --> 00:12:52,837
"Oh, how cute!
I bet he smells
like baby powder."
263
00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:54,116
They see your diaper and think,
264
00:12:54,140 --> 00:12:56,073
"Ew, that dog is sick.
He must be dying.
265
00:12:56,142 --> 00:12:57,587
"I hope he doesn't
leak on our carpet.
266
00:12:57,611 --> 00:12:58,987
"Why don't they just
put him to sleep?"
267
00:12:59,011 --> 00:13:01,023
You know, at this point,
I'd probably welcome that.
268
00:13:01,047 --> 00:13:03,714
Oh, hey, come on, man.
You just got to
get used to it.
269
00:13:03,783 --> 00:13:05,283
Hey, have you gone yet?
270
00:13:05,351 --> 00:13:06,817
Have you popped
your butt cherry?
271
00:13:06,886 --> 00:13:09,387
You know,
you should be more sensitive
to my humiliation.
272
00:13:09,456 --> 00:13:12,534
Remember how bad you felt
when you drew that
picture for Peter and Lois?
273
00:13:12,558 --> 00:13:14,992
Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful!
274
00:13:15,061 --> 00:13:17,362
This is going
right up on the fridge.
275
00:13:17,430 --> 00:13:18,896
Really? The fridge?
276
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:21,699
It's like we have
a little Michelangelo
in the house.
277
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:24,335
Okay! See you guys later.
278
00:13:27,873 --> 00:13:30,575
I almost lost it
when you said to
put it on the fridge.
279
00:13:30,643 --> 00:13:32,588
I know! I mean,
what the hell is
this supposed to be,
280
00:13:32,612 --> 00:13:34,345
a pelican or a school bus?
281
00:13:34,413 --> 00:13:36,247
Looks like
Muhammad Ali drew this.
282
00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,782
What a dumb ass!
Hey, let's spit on it.
283
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:46,791
Peter!
Oh! Oh, Lois.
284
00:13:46,860 --> 00:13:49,160
Oh...
Let me make you some coffee.
285
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:56,600
Oh, boy, a pig!
Can we keep it? It bit me!
286
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,869
What the hell did you
and Bill do last night?
287
00:13:58,938 --> 00:14:01,672
We lived, Lois.
We lived our lives.
288
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:04,976
Peter, that former President
Clinton is nothing but
a bad influence!
289
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:07,578
I forbid you to hang
out with him anymore.
290
00:14:07,647 --> 00:14:10,114
No way. Bill Clinton
makes me feel young.
291
00:14:10,182 --> 00:14:12,183
Not like you,
with your Judd Hirsch sweater
292
00:14:12,251 --> 00:14:15,186
and your bag of
Werther's Originals.
293
00:14:15,254 --> 00:14:16,721
Well, if he won't listen,
294
00:14:16,790 --> 00:14:19,757
I'm just going
to have to go talk to
Bill Clinton myself.
295
00:14:22,695 --> 00:14:25,997
Mr. President,
I need to have
a word with you!
296
00:14:26,066 --> 00:14:29,700
Wow! You certainly
are very persuasive.
297
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,169
So I've been told.
298
00:14:31,238 --> 00:14:33,482
Hey, you up for
a little NAFTA?
What's that?
299
00:14:33,506 --> 00:14:36,774
'Nother afternoon
fucking that ass.
300
00:14:42,815 --> 00:14:44,815
What the hell was I thinking?
301
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:46,850
I don't know what came over me.
302
00:14:46,919 --> 00:14:48,953
Oh, God!
What am I going to do?
303
00:14:49,021 --> 00:14:50,688
Hey, Bill,
you up for a little bowling?
304
00:14:50,757 --> 00:14:52,401
I swiped some money
out of Lois's purse.
305
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:56,227
I don't think
she'll notice because
she's here humping you!
306
00:14:56,296 --> 00:14:59,763
Peter! Look,
I know this looks bad,
and I feel horrible,
307
00:14:59,832 --> 00:15:02,232
and I know nothing
I could say to you
308
00:15:02,268 --> 00:15:05,903
could possibly justify
why I slept
with Bill except...
309
00:15:05,972 --> 00:15:07,116
I mean, Peter,
310
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,085
the man presided
over the longest
311
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:12,543
economic expansion
in US history,
312
00:15:12,612 --> 00:15:15,724
and he reduced
the percentage of
Americans on welfare
313
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:19,183
to its lowest level in 33 years.
314
00:15:19,252 --> 00:15:21,786
35 years.
35 years, Peter.
315
00:15:21,855 --> 00:15:24,989
Well, well.
I learned something today.
316
00:15:25,058 --> 00:15:28,059
Apparently, there's
the side of Bill Clinton
the world knows,
317
00:15:28,128 --> 00:15:31,428
and then there's the dark,
sex-crazed side only I know.
318
00:15:31,497 --> 00:15:33,298
I'm so sorry, Peter.
319
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:37,335
Lois, I think maybe
it's better if I stay
at Quagmire's for a while.
320
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:38,836
I understand.
321
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,265
Hey, Lois, you up for
a little exit polling?
322
00:15:41,307 --> 00:15:43,474
Are you asking me what
I think you're asking me?
323
00:15:43,542 --> 00:15:46,956
Well, that depends on
what your definition
of the word "jizz" is.
324
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:49,213
Oh, God!
I've been a worse wife
325
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:52,016
than Lorena Bobbitt
when she was
married to the Thing.
326
00:15:52,085 --> 00:15:55,297
Oh, my God! Where is it?
Where did she throw it?
Oh, God! Oh, God!
327
00:15:55,321 --> 00:15:57,321
Is this what you're looking for?
328
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:01,726
I can't believe
Lois would cheat on me.
329
00:16:01,794 --> 00:16:04,306
Look, Peter,
I know this is a very
difficult time for you,
330
00:16:04,330 --> 00:16:06,074
but I want you to know I'm...
331
00:16:06,098 --> 00:16:08,666
I'm here for you
if you need anything.
332
00:16:08,735 --> 00:16:11,035
You want me to drag my sack
across your face?
333
00:16:11,103 --> 00:16:13,771
What?
I'm sorry,
it's...
334
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:16,619
When one of my
lady friends is upset,
that's how I cheer...
335
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,787
Listen, Peter,
this is all I know.
336
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:20,878
I'm not very good
in these types of situations.
337
00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:23,147
Quagmire,
I know your heart's
in the right place,
338
00:16:23,216 --> 00:16:26,050
but I need to sort
this out for myself.
339
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:29,220
I haven't
misjudged someone this bad
since my last physical.
340
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:30,922
All right.
341
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:33,302
The doctor will be
in in a few minutes.
342
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:37,362
Peter? Peter,
are you in there? It's me.
343
00:16:37,998 --> 00:16:39,397
What do you want?
344
00:16:39,465 --> 00:16:42,900
Honey, I just feel awful
about this whole situation.
345
00:16:42,968 --> 00:16:44,235
Oh, I'm sorry, Lois.
346
00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:46,081
You want me to drag
my sack across your face?
347
00:16:46,105 --> 00:16:47,771
Not now, Quagmire.
348
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,386
Sorry, I did it...
That's a mistake...
I'll go make her some coffee.
349
00:16:50,410 --> 00:16:52,521
Peter, I think
I've got a solution
350
00:16:52,545 --> 00:16:54,623
that'll make things
right for both of us.
351
00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:56,113
I'm listening.
352
00:16:56,182 --> 00:16:59,327
Well, the way I figure it,
the only way to even
things out between us
353
00:16:59,351 --> 00:17:01,752
is if you have sex
with someone else, too.
354
00:17:01,821 --> 00:17:04,856
You want to get me laid?
355
00:17:04,924 --> 00:17:07,602
Yes, Peter,
because I don't
want to lose you.
356
00:17:07,626 --> 00:17:09,493
Well, it would make us even.
357
00:17:09,562 --> 00:17:11,439
All right, Lois, if you
really think it'll work.
358
00:17:11,463 --> 00:17:14,298
Trust me. It'll work better
than the first telephone.
359
00:17:14,367 --> 00:17:17,167
Well, we did it, Watson.
What an afternoon.
360
00:17:17,236 --> 00:17:19,436
We've finally perfected
the first telephone.
361
00:17:19,505 --> 00:17:23,373
Yeah. Hey, listen,
somebody called me today.
362
00:17:23,442 --> 00:17:26,510
Whoever it was said
some very sexual things.
363
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,857
Some very angry, sexual things.
364
00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,849
Oh, really?
Probably just some
teenagers somewhere.
365
00:17:31,918 --> 00:17:33,996
Damn them.
Well,
that's the thing.
366
00:17:34,020 --> 00:17:36,331
I mean, there's only
two phones in the...
367
00:17:36,355 --> 00:17:39,201
Well, in the world,
and one of them
is in my office,
368
00:17:39,225 --> 00:17:41,003
and the other's in your office,
369
00:17:41,027 --> 00:17:44,361
and those two didn't
even exist until about
a few hours ago.
370
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:47,364
Yikes! I could use
a distraction right now.
371
00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:50,234
Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Conway Twitty.
372
00:17:56,843 --> 00:18:01,012
♪ I can almost hear
the stillness
373
00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:06,550
♪ As it yields to the sound
of your heart beating
374
00:18:08,288 --> 00:18:10,053
♪ Bum, bum, bum ♪
375
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:14,336
All right, Peter,
who's it going to be?
376
00:18:14,360 --> 00:18:15,871
Who do you want to sleep with?
377
00:18:15,895 --> 00:18:18,396
Who we kidding, Lois?
This is never going to work.
378
00:18:18,465 --> 00:18:19,865
Let's just forget
the whole thing.
379
00:18:19,932 --> 00:18:22,133
No, honey, it's got to work.
380
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:24,435
Just pick somebody,
and I'll make it happen.
381
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:26,115
Deep down,
in your heart of hearts,
382
00:18:26,139 --> 00:18:27,683
if it could be
anyone in the world,
383
00:18:27,707 --> 00:18:30,708
who would it be?
Halle Berry? Ann-Margret?
384
00:18:30,776 --> 00:18:32,776
Anybody I want?
Anybody.
385
00:18:32,845 --> 00:18:34,412
Don't be afraid to tell me.
386
00:18:34,481 --> 00:18:35,746
Babs.
387
00:18:35,815 --> 00:18:37,615
My mother?
Yeah.
388
00:18:37,683 --> 00:18:39,717
W-W-Why?
389
00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:42,853
It was my understanding
that there would be
no questions asked.
390
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,933
I'm just curious.
It's a little weird.
391
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,925
Look, you know what?
She's hot. Guilty, all right?
392
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:50,027
I haven't been so struck
by a woman's beauty
393
00:18:50,096 --> 00:18:54,498
since I was Uma
Thurman's eye-wrangler
on the set of Pulp Fiction.
394
00:18:54,567 --> 00:18:57,201
No. You can't promise
something like that.
395
00:18:57,269 --> 00:18:59,309
I have no idea what
you're going to say to me.
396
00:18:59,372 --> 00:19:01,550
So you can go ahead
and say what
you're going to say
397
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:03,686
and my natural response
could be to get offended.
398
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:05,220
Then, through
no fault of my own,
399
00:19:05,244 --> 00:19:06,755
I wouldn't have kept my promise.
400
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:08,112
Hang on!
401
00:19:10,082 --> 00:19:11,282
Okay!
402
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:16,753
Well, Lois, this is
an unexpected surprise.
403
00:19:16,822 --> 00:19:18,989
You and Peter should
drop by more often.
404
00:19:19,058 --> 00:19:21,470
Well, we were
in the neighborhood,
and Peter said,
405
00:19:21,494 --> 00:19:23,761
"Let's stop in."
Wasn't that thoughtful?
406
00:19:23,829 --> 00:19:26,797
Will you people quiet down?
I'm trying to watch Medium.
407
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,243
You know what?
Daddy's right.
408
00:19:28,267 --> 00:19:30,801
Let's go upstairs
where we won't bother him.
409
00:19:30,870 --> 00:19:34,205
Good. All right.
Go, Medium!
410
00:19:34,274 --> 00:19:35,773
Wish I could talk to ghosts.
411
00:19:35,841 --> 00:19:37,575
That would be sweet!
412
00:19:37,643 --> 00:19:39,810
Mom, could we sit
down for a second?
413
00:19:39,879 --> 00:19:41,645
I have to ask you something.
414
00:19:41,714 --> 00:19:42,946
What is it, Lois?
415
00:19:43,015 --> 00:19:45,383
Well, Peter and I have hit
a snag in our marriage.
416
00:19:45,451 --> 00:19:47,651
I won't go into details.
417
00:19:47,720 --> 00:19:52,423
But it turns out that
the only way to make things
right seems to be...
418
00:19:52,492 --> 00:19:53,991
It... It's, uh...
419
00:19:54,059 --> 00:19:56,727
Oh, boy, what's
the best way to say this?
420
00:19:58,130 --> 00:20:01,265
Mom, would you
have sex with Peter?
421
00:20:01,333 --> 00:20:03,534
Of course, dear.
Really?
422
00:20:03,603 --> 00:20:05,714
Carter's been most
insufferable lately,
423
00:20:05,738 --> 00:20:07,883
and this would just
stick in his craw.
424
00:20:07,907 --> 00:20:10,841
I like your freaky spirit,
but it's your craw I'm after.
425
00:20:10,910 --> 00:20:12,943
I didn't think
you'd be so receptive.
426
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,778
Are you kidding, Lois?
427
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,714
I'm physically starved.
428
00:20:16,782 --> 00:20:19,082
Your father's
utterly lost interest.
429
00:20:19,152 --> 00:20:21,652
He won't even look me in
the back of the head anymore.
430
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,988
I see. Well, I guess
we're good to go then.
431
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,124
Peter, are you sure
this is what you want?
432
00:20:27,193 --> 00:20:28,759
Yeah. I'll see you at home.
433
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:35,565
Lois, wait!
434
00:20:37,703 --> 00:20:40,104
I can't do it!
I can't go through with it!
435
00:20:40,173 --> 00:20:42,673
You have to, Peter,
for the sake of our marriage!
436
00:20:42,741 --> 00:20:45,609
Screw our marriage!
I love you!
Really?
437
00:20:45,678 --> 00:20:48,346
Absolutely. And I don't care
that you slept with Clinton.
438
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:49,847
We'll get past it somehow.
439
00:20:49,915 --> 00:20:53,617
All I know is, I don't want
to do anything to hurt you.
440
00:20:53,686 --> 00:20:55,987
Oh, Peter!
441
00:20:57,189 --> 00:20:59,923
Why are you naked in my house?
442
00:21:00,860 --> 00:21:03,226
Why aren't you?
443
00:21:03,295 --> 00:21:04,962
You're all right, Griffin.
444
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:11,001
Well, Peter, our marriage
has suffered a serious trial,
445
00:21:11,070 --> 00:21:12,802
but I think
we can get through it.
446
00:21:12,871 --> 00:21:15,683
Me, too, Lois.
It's just going to
take a little work.
447
00:21:15,707 --> 00:21:19,027
In the meantime,
I guess I better clear
the air with Clinton.
448
00:21:19,712 --> 00:21:23,047
Hey, listen, Bill,
you and I need
to have a talk.
449
00:21:23,116 --> 00:21:25,983
Boy, you are good.
You are really good.
450
00:21:35,628 --> 00:21:37,962
Well, look at you
using the toilet.
451
00:21:38,030 --> 00:21:39,630
I am so proud of you.
452
00:21:39,699 --> 00:21:42,566
Hey, well,
you deserve all the praise
for encouraging me to do it.
453
00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:45,435
Well, still, good for you.
454
00:21:45,504 --> 00:21:47,337
So where are you really
doing your business?
455
00:21:47,407 --> 00:21:49,039
Oh, I found a place.
456
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:52,343
Well, I'll be damned.
457
00:21:52,411 --> 00:21:53,644
And they called me crazy.
458
00:21:53,712 --> 00:21:56,447
You can't plant
sausage seeds, they said.
459
00:21:56,515 --> 00:21:58,015
Well, look at this.
36077
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