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00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,704
♪ It seems today
that all you see
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00:00:05,773 --> 00:00:09,374
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,442 --> 00:00:12,744
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,981
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,049 --> 00:00:19,217
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,286 --> 00:00:22,454
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,267
♪ All the things
that make us
8
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:25,958
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:30,796
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,936 --> 00:00:39,571
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to The Redneck Comedy Tour
11
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,440
featuring Stink Fleaman.
12
00:00:41,509 --> 00:00:45,511
You know you're a redneck
if you come from a rural area
and behave as such.
13
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:50,282
Oh, that dog of mine!
14
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,887
WHoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
15
00:01:01,328 --> 00:01:03,828
You tell me
how that got in there.
16
00:01:07,468 --> 00:01:10,602
He's right. Who knows
how that got in there?
17
00:01:10,670 --> 00:01:13,304
Peter, can we please go now?
This is excruciating.
18
00:01:13,373 --> 00:01:16,975
Are you kidding, Brian?
These men and their redneck
lifestyle really speak to me.
19
00:01:17,044 --> 00:01:19,177
This is the greatest show
I've seen in years.
20
00:01:19,246 --> 00:01:21,679
Not like the last time
I was at a comedy club.
21
00:01:21,748 --> 00:01:24,149
I hear this guy is hilarious.
He played Kramer, you know.
22
00:01:24,217 --> 00:01:26,451
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
23
00:01:37,197 --> 00:01:40,199
Peter,
what the hell are you doing
with a pickup truck?
24
00:01:40,267 --> 00:01:43,768
Wait, let me guess,
this is because of the Redneck
Comedy Festival, isn't it?
25
00:01:43,837 --> 00:01:45,603
"Oh, that dog of mine!"
26
00:01:45,672 --> 00:01:48,940
Peter, you can't suddenly
decide to be a redneck
just because of some show.
27
00:01:49,009 --> 00:01:52,222
Some show? Lois,
those men showed me
the way to an identity
28
00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:54,346
I've been searching for
my whole life.
29
00:01:54,414 --> 00:01:57,048
I'm gonna do everything
a redneck is supposed to do.
30
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,995
This is going to be
more painful to watch
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00:01:59,019 --> 00:02:01,819
than when he ate
half a Fudgsicle in one bite.
32
00:02:01,888 --> 00:02:03,722
Oh, boy! A Fudgsicle!
33
00:02:14,234 --> 00:02:15,945
Chris, what happened
to the couch?
34
00:02:15,969 --> 00:02:17,547
Dad dragged it out on the lawn
35
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:20,238
because he said,
"That's what rednecks do!"
36
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:24,376
Hey, Meg, come here.
Have a seat.
37
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:29,781
Dad, what are you doing?
38
00:02:29,850 --> 00:02:31,349
Meg, I'm a redneck,
39
00:02:31,418 --> 00:02:33,719
which means I'm about to
do something to you
40
00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:36,287
that you'll not remember
until you're 40.
41
00:02:38,025 --> 00:02:40,692
Meg, come back here.
I meant sex.
42
00:02:43,964 --> 00:02:48,433
We now return toCarl Sagan's Cosmos,
edited for rednecks.
43
00:02:48,501 --> 00:02:51,803
I'm Carl Sagan.
Just how old is our planet?
44
00:02:51,871 --> 00:02:53,617
Scientists believe it's four...
45
00:02:53,641 --> 00:02:56,174
Hundreds and hundreds
of years old.
46
00:02:56,243 --> 00:02:59,144
Scientists have determined
that the universe was
created by...
47
00:02:59,212 --> 00:03:02,547
God.
48
00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:04,728
Big Bang. If you
look at the bones of a...
49
00:03:04,752 --> 00:03:06,051
Jesus.
50
00:03:06,120 --> 00:03:09,087
Rex, it's clear by the use
of carbon-dating that...
51
00:03:09,156 --> 00:03:12,457
Mountain Dew is
the best soda ever made.
52
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:13,959
Peter, do we have to watch this?
53
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:16,027
This is what
rednecks watch, Brian.
54
00:03:19,499 --> 00:03:22,467
Peter, that's disgusting.
Here, spit in
this cup instead.
55
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:26,571
Oh, there's my apple juice.
56
00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:28,073
Stewie, wait! Don't...
57
00:03:28,142 --> 00:03:29,307
Ugh! Ah! Aah!
58
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:32,644
Where's my money?
You gonna give me my money?
59
00:03:33,480 --> 00:03:34,480
Never mind.
60
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:48,693
Hey, Brian, check it out.
61
00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:51,407
Peter, you painted
over the back window.
Isn't that dangerous?
62
00:03:51,431 --> 00:03:52,997
I'm a redneck, Brian.
63
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:56,066
We like people
driving behind us to know
what our beliefs are.
64
00:04:02,142 --> 00:04:04,343
Peter, what the hell! My car.
65
00:04:05,612 --> 00:04:07,312
Oh, damn it!
Hey, hey, come back.
66
00:04:13,887 --> 00:04:15,287
Sorry, Quagmire.
67
00:04:15,355 --> 00:04:17,167
How the hell am I supposed to
get to the airport?
68
00:04:17,191 --> 00:04:18,790
I got to fly a plane
in 20 minutes.
69
00:04:18,859 --> 00:04:20,904
Oh, I can drive you.
I got a pickup truck. See?
70
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:21,993
Well, come on!
71
00:04:26,366 --> 00:04:28,767
Quagmire, I'm so sorry.
Don't worry about it.
72
00:04:28,836 --> 00:04:30,468
We can go after them.
73
00:04:30,537 --> 00:04:33,177
Don't worry about it,
they're tagged.
Just get me to the airport.
74
00:04:42,583 --> 00:04:44,148
All right, thanks a lot, Peter.
75
00:05:16,583 --> 00:05:19,550
That's all the motivation
I need to actually do this.
76
00:05:28,228 --> 00:05:29,427
Did we finish fueling?
77
00:05:29,496 --> 00:05:31,196
Do you see
the hose in the plane?
78
00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:33,631
No.
Well, then,
I guess we're finished.
79
00:05:33,700 --> 00:05:38,737
Thanks, George. You want to
say that one more time
without the sarcasm?
80
00:05:38,805 --> 00:05:43,441
Good afternoon,ladies and gentlemen, this isyour captain, Glenn Quagmire.
81
00:05:43,510 --> 00:05:46,355
Uh... We are looking atabout a four-and-a-half-hourflight time today.
82
00:05:46,379 --> 00:05:47,779
Uh...
83
00:05:47,848 --> 00:05:50,047
We got clear skies,
good visibility.
84
00:05:50,116 --> 00:05:52,484
The temperature in Atlanta
is 64 degrees.
85
00:05:52,552 --> 00:05:55,219
Uh...
86
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:57,700
The flight's going to bea little longerthan we have expected.
87
00:05:57,724 --> 00:06:00,458
Uh, we've got somevery strong headwinds.Giggity.
88
00:06:00,527 --> 00:06:02,847
Uh, flight attendants,
please prepare for take off.
89
00:06:07,834 --> 00:06:09,594
What the hell?
90
00:06:11,405 --> 00:06:12,871
Oh, my God! We're going down.
91
00:06:17,010 --> 00:06:18,276
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
92
00:06:18,345 --> 00:06:21,012
Secure your own mask first
and then assist the child.
93
00:06:21,081 --> 00:06:22,780
But the bag is not inflating.
94
00:06:22,849 --> 00:06:26,484
It's all right, even though
oxygen is flowing,
the bag may not inflate.
95
00:06:40,333 --> 00:06:41,566
That was too close.
96
00:06:43,103 --> 00:06:46,271
Sir, we have
a confirmed crash.
Flight 37 is down.
97
00:06:46,339 --> 00:06:49,507
We'd better alert the mayor.
I'll have to interrupt
his photo op.
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00:06:51,745 --> 00:06:54,913
My Pet Goat, page one.
99
00:06:54,982 --> 00:06:56,447
"'You know, ' said my pet goat,
100
00:06:56,516 --> 00:07:00,018
"'I'm sure if I watched
Grey's Anatomy, I'd like it,
101
00:07:00,087 --> 00:07:02,420
"'but I just don't
have the time.'"
102
00:07:14,368 --> 00:07:17,034
"'You should make the time, '
said the farmer."
103
00:07:23,976 --> 00:07:27,078
Our top story. There was drama
in the skies of Quahog today,
104
00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:30,849
as a Transnational 767
was forced to make
a crash landing.
105
00:07:30,917 --> 00:07:33,885
That's right, Diane.
As if the world weren't
already scary enough,
106
00:07:33,954 --> 00:07:37,255
it seems you can't
even get on a plane
safely these days.
107
00:07:37,323 --> 00:07:39,290
Channel Five has
the spectacular footage.
108
00:07:44,530 --> 00:07:46,242
Fortunately, no one was injured.
109
00:07:46,266 --> 00:07:49,167
However, using
state-of-the-art Channel Five
computer technology,
110
00:07:49,235 --> 00:07:52,069
we'll show you how disastrous
it could have been.
111
00:07:52,138 --> 00:07:55,378
Here's how it would have
looked if the plane had
crashed into a school.
112
00:08:01,815 --> 00:08:02,991
Now here's how it
would have looked
113
00:08:03,015 --> 00:08:05,350
if the plane had crashed
into a school for bunnies.
114
00:08:12,359 --> 00:08:13,536
Now here's how
it would have looked
115
00:08:13,560 --> 00:08:15,538
if the plane had crashed
into a school for bunnies,
116
00:08:15,562 --> 00:08:19,263
but one passenger had
survived, gone home
and mercilessly beat his wife.
117
00:08:26,373 --> 00:08:31,142
I'm alive! But, boy,
am I angry! Someone's
gonna have to pay for this.
118
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:40,317
Why? Why? Is this because
I overcooked the roast?
119
00:08:40,386 --> 00:08:44,488
Powerful stuff. You would
have to be made of stone
not to feel saddened by that.
120
00:08:44,557 --> 00:08:47,091
Boy, Quagmire,
I'm really sorry
they fired you.
121
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:49,226
I feel like this is
partially my fault.
122
00:08:49,295 --> 00:08:52,475
No, Peter, it's perfectly
normal to siphon jet fuel
from an active runway
123
00:08:52,499 --> 00:08:54,277
with the intention of
flying a pickup truck.
124
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:57,468
Look, I know I caused
a lot of trouble, but
my redneck days are over.
125
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,038
No more crotch shots of me
getting out of a car.
126
00:09:02,842 --> 00:09:04,954
Well, what are
you gonna do now,
Quagmire?
127
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,279
Hey, it's all right,
I got enough in my savings
until I find another job.
128
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:09,480
I'll be fine.
129
00:09:17,190 --> 00:09:20,391
Mom, Dad, there's somebody
in my tree house.
130
00:09:20,460 --> 00:09:23,339
Yeah, and there's
an annoying little homo
screaming in my kitchen.
131
00:09:23,363 --> 00:09:25,274
Which one do you think
I'm more pissed about?
132
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:28,633
I'll remind you
that I was invited here.
133
00:09:28,701 --> 00:09:30,201
All right, who's up there?
134
00:09:30,270 --> 00:09:32,070
Oh, hey, Peter. Hey, Lois.
135
00:09:32,139 --> 00:09:33,916
Glenn, what are you
doing up there?
136
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:36,340
Oh, I kind of moved in,
if that's okay.
137
00:09:36,410 --> 00:09:40,344
No airline will hire me
after the accident.
I'm broke and jobless.
138
00:09:40,413 --> 00:09:43,648
Quagmire,
you belong in a tree.
You're a nut.
139
00:09:48,287 --> 00:09:49,721
What?
140
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:56,060
Come on down, Quagmire,
you're staying with us.
141
00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:59,530
Oh, great. This is going to
be worse than the time
I lived with Marlee Matlin.
142
00:10:01,134 --> 00:10:02,667
Hi, Stewie.
143
00:10:02,736 --> 00:10:04,680
Oh, come on, Marlee!
I know you can't hear them,
144
00:10:04,704 --> 00:10:07,784
but you got to feel
those things
slapping out of there.
145
00:10:11,945 --> 00:10:15,647
Hey, listen, I really want to
thank you guys for taking me
in, in my time of need.
146
00:10:15,715 --> 00:10:18,961
Oh, forget it, Quagmire.
It's the least we could do
after what happened.
147
00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:23,421
Hello?
148
00:10:23,490 --> 00:10:25,067
Oh, you must have
the wrong number.
149
00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:28,226
There is no one here
by the name of
Long Rod von Hugen Dong.
150
00:10:28,294 --> 00:10:31,228
Hey, is... In here, thanks.
151
00:10:34,100 --> 00:10:36,301
Okay, now add 20.
Okay.
152
00:10:36,369 --> 00:10:38,836
Now multiply it by four.
Okay.
153
00:10:38,905 --> 00:10:40,905
And what do you got?
8,008.
154
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,707
And what does 8,008 look like
on a calculator?
155
00:10:45,411 --> 00:10:48,212
Oh! "Boob!"
Boob! Yeah!
156
00:10:48,281 --> 00:10:50,226
All right! All right!
All right! Boob!
157
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,684
What if we had two calculators
and we put them
next to each other?
158
00:10:54,854 --> 00:10:57,922
Yes, yes, yes.
Find one, yes.
159
00:11:13,306 --> 00:11:14,872
Didn't mean to wake you.
160
00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,814
Peter, you and I need to
talk about Quagmire.
161
00:11:22,882 --> 00:11:26,684
He's been living with us
for over a month,
and I think it's enough now.
162
00:11:26,753 --> 00:11:29,654
Lois, I'm the whole reason
he lost his job and his house.
163
00:11:29,723 --> 00:11:32,356
Besides, I can't throw
my best friend
out on the street
164
00:11:32,425 --> 00:11:34,065
like a prom night dumpster baby.
165
00:11:36,763 --> 00:11:39,164
Hey, what you doing out here?
Don't you want to dance?
166
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:40,464
Sure.
167
00:11:43,770 --> 00:11:48,973
♪ I'm just
a prom night dumpster baby
168
00:11:49,042 --> 00:11:51,876
♪ I got no mom or dad
169
00:11:53,146 --> 00:11:56,981
♪ Prom night dumpster baby
170
00:11:57,050 --> 00:12:00,584
♪ My story isn't long
but, boy, it's awfully sad
171
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:04,555
♪ And though
I came from a hole
172
00:12:04,624 --> 00:12:06,536
♪ And though
he came from a hole
173
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,593
♪ I'm singing
right from the soul
174
00:12:08,662 --> 00:12:11,095
♪ He's singing
right from the soul
175
00:12:11,164 --> 00:12:15,133
♪ My fanny needs a blanket
and somebody to spank it
176
00:12:15,201 --> 00:12:17,135
♪ I miss my mom
177
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:18,603
♪ But she's at the prom
178
00:12:18,671 --> 00:12:23,174
♪ So I'm
a prom night dumpster baby
179
00:12:23,243 --> 00:12:26,110
♪ Prom night dumpster baby
180
00:12:27,714 --> 00:12:29,781
♪ And I'm taking a stroll
181
00:12:29,849 --> 00:12:31,749
♪ He's taking a stroll
182
00:12:31,818 --> 00:12:33,518
♪ I'm taking a stroll
183
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:35,520
♪ He's taking a stroll
184
00:12:35,588 --> 00:12:37,689
♪ I'm taking a stroll
185
00:12:37,757 --> 00:12:39,557
♪ He's taking a stroll
186
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:41,793
♪ I'm taking a stroll
187
00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:43,594
♪ He's taking a stroll
188
00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:46,131
♪ I'm taking a stroll ♪
189
00:12:50,003 --> 00:12:52,170
Besides, Quagmire doesn't even
have a job.
190
00:12:52,238 --> 00:12:54,016
Well, you're gonna have to
help him find one,
191
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,080
because I've had enough of him
living in this house.
192
00:12:56,109 --> 00:12:57,709
You're overreacting, Lois,
193
00:12:57,777 --> 00:13:00,778
and you can't spell
"overreacting" without
"ovary."
194
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:03,514
Because you're a girl.
I'm not overreacting.
195
00:13:03,583 --> 00:13:07,685
Hey, just an FYI. Really,
no reason to go into
any greater detail than this.
196
00:13:07,753 --> 00:13:11,288
Stewie should probably
never use this pacifier again.
197
00:13:13,059 --> 00:13:14,899
Okay, so I'll
talk to him tomorrow?
198
00:13:28,174 --> 00:13:30,108
So how's the job hunt going?
199
00:13:30,177 --> 00:13:33,344
It's awful, Cleveland.
Quagmire blew every gig
we got him.
200
00:13:33,413 --> 00:13:36,125
Yeah, you did
a terrible job
as my nurse.
201
00:13:36,149 --> 00:13:38,349
You make your doo-doos, Joe?
Shut up.
202
00:13:38,418 --> 00:13:40,784
You make your doo-doos?
I said, shut up.
203
00:13:40,853 --> 00:13:42,320
There's no doo-doos today.
204
00:13:42,388 --> 00:13:44,708
I'm pretty sure
I smell doo-doos.
205
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:46,184
Uh-oh.
206
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:48,459
What's that in there?
207
00:13:48,527 --> 00:13:52,096
Doo-doos! They're stinky!
208
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,601
Quagmire, how would you like
to help me commit suicide?
209
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,802
And then I got that job
on the Starship Enterprise.
210
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:04,742
Dude, you gotta introduce me
to that black chick.
211
00:14:04,810 --> 00:14:09,280
Guys, the only thing I know
how to do is fly a plane.
That's what I was born for.
212
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:11,882
And I'll never be happy
unless I can do it again.
213
00:14:11,951 --> 00:14:16,587
Then that's the only answer.
Somehow we've gotta get
Quagmire his job back.
214
00:14:16,656 --> 00:14:19,390
Fellows, I think I have an idea.
215
00:14:22,795 --> 00:14:26,364
Okay, guys, let's go over
the plan one more time.
216
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:30,033
Quagmire will pose asan airline passenger onthe 6:00 fight to New York.
217
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:33,104
Then, Joe and I willsneak in tothe flight attendant's lounge,
218
00:14:33,172 --> 00:14:35,773
while Cleveland distracts
the security personnel.
219
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:39,210
Once we have the uniforms
and credentials,
220
00:14:39,278 --> 00:14:43,614
Cleveland, Joe and Iwill board the planeposing as flight attendants.
221
00:14:43,683 --> 00:14:46,083
Once we are in the air,
we drug the pilots,
222
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:50,054
at which point Quagmireis forced to step inand land the plane safely,
223
00:14:50,123 --> 00:14:51,288
making him a hero.
224
00:14:52,958 --> 00:14:54,592
Everybody clear?
225
00:14:54,660 --> 00:14:57,340
Boy, this sounds like
more trouble than
a moose on the interstate.
226
00:15:02,135 --> 00:15:03,635
Hey, can you help me out?
227
00:15:03,703 --> 00:15:05,448
I'm trying to get
a couple of bucks
for something to eat.
228
00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:06,671
What's moose stuff?
229
00:15:06,740 --> 00:15:08,639
Whatever you want it to be.
230
00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:12,053
I could have sex with you or
I could just stand over there
and drink from the lake.
231
00:15:12,077 --> 00:15:13,577
And everything in between.
232
00:15:14,146 --> 00:15:15,146
Get in.
233
00:15:36,669 --> 00:15:39,170
All right, I'm gonna go
bring the pilots their coffee.
234
00:15:39,239 --> 00:15:41,583
Hang on to something,
because this ride's
about to get rougher
235
00:15:41,607 --> 00:15:44,208
than dating a hot girl
with a bad laugh.
236
00:15:44,277 --> 00:15:46,243
I really like you, Sandy.
237
00:15:46,312 --> 00:15:48,446
I really like you, too, Peter.
238
00:15:48,514 --> 00:15:51,348
Yeah? You like it
when I kiss you here?
239
00:15:51,417 --> 00:15:52,783
Yeah.
240
00:15:52,851 --> 00:15:54,218
How about here?
241
00:15:58,191 --> 00:15:59,356
Oh, stop, I'm...
242
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:05,930
Ma'am, I hate to be a nuisance,
243
00:16:05,998 --> 00:16:09,233
but your son stopped kicking
the back of my chair.
244
00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:13,470
Thank you.
245
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:23,447
Oh, no! Both the pilots
are unconscious,
and we are in a nose-dive.
246
00:16:23,516 --> 00:16:26,917
If only there was someone
on board who could save us.
247
00:16:28,554 --> 00:16:33,124
I said,
if only there was someone
on board who could save us.
248
00:16:33,192 --> 00:16:36,627
Peter, I don't see Quagmire.
249
00:16:36,696 --> 00:16:38,896
Oh, that was great.
Thanks.
250
00:16:38,965 --> 00:16:42,900
I know you have a choice in
airport sex and I appreciate
you choosing Quagmire.
251
00:16:42,969 --> 00:16:44,847
Please exercise caution
when standing up
252
00:16:44,871 --> 00:16:47,805
as the contents of your vagina
may have shifted
during coitus.
253
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:50,241
Who else but Quagmire?
254
00:16:50,310 --> 00:16:52,610
♪ He's Quagmire, Quagmire
255
00:16:52,679 --> 00:16:54,823
♪ You never really know
what he's gonna do next
256
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:57,581
♪ He's Quagmire, Quagmire
257
00:16:57,650 --> 00:17:00,218
♪ Giggity Giggity Giggity
Let's have sex
258
00:17:00,286 --> 00:17:03,087
Let us forever remember
this beautiful young woman,
259
00:17:03,156 --> 00:17:05,556
taken from us
in the bloom of youth,
260
00:17:05,624 --> 00:17:07,858
yet as unspoiled
as when she was born.
261
00:17:07,927 --> 00:17:11,862
Giggity Giggity Giggity Goo.
262
00:17:11,931 --> 00:17:14,499
Who else but Quagmire?
263
00:17:14,567 --> 00:17:17,301
♪ He's Quagmire, Quagmire
264
00:17:17,369 --> 00:17:19,803
♪ Giggity Giggity Goo ♪
265
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:22,918
All right, I got
a plane to catch. Say,
which gate is Flight 209?
266
00:17:22,942 --> 00:17:25,409
209? That flight
left half an hour ago.
267
00:17:25,478 --> 00:17:28,346
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
That plane is going down.
268
00:17:28,414 --> 00:17:30,493
My friends are on that plane.
They're all gonna die.
269
00:17:30,517 --> 00:17:33,384
What? Oh, no!
And that's not the worst part.
270
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:38,355
Here's the condom
I said I put on.
Aren't I just the worst?
271
00:17:38,424 --> 00:17:39,657
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
272
00:17:39,726 --> 00:17:40,991
And I'm Diane Simmons.
273
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,260
More trouble in the skies
over Quahog tonight,
274
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:46,364
as a Transnational jet is
apparently out of control.
275
00:17:46,432 --> 00:17:48,198
Channel Five has this
exclusive recording
276
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,468
of a mayday communication
from the cockpit.
277
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:20,097
Mom, Dad's crashing
a plane on television.
278
00:18:20,165 --> 00:18:23,434
Oh, my God! What the hell is
your father doing on a plane?
279
00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:25,169
I don't know,
280
00:18:25,238 --> 00:18:28,450
but I can think of 100
better things he could be
doing on television.
281
00:18:28,474 --> 00:18:32,443
Hiya, kids,
it's Peter Griffin's
champagne dance party.
282
00:18:32,512 --> 00:18:35,045
And, oh, we got a hot one today.
283
00:18:38,784 --> 00:18:42,719
♪ Hot diggity, dog ziggity
Boom, what you do to me
284
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:45,656
♪ It's so new to me,
what you do to me
285
00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,158
♪ Hot diggity, dog ziggity ♪
286
00:18:47,226 --> 00:18:51,229
Holy shit! We are
fucking smoking now, huh?
287
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:02,072
Hey, there, son,
mind if I have a seat?
288
00:19:02,141 --> 00:19:03,441
Hugh Hefner?
289
00:19:03,509 --> 00:19:05,476
You look like you got
something on your mind.
290
00:19:05,544 --> 00:19:08,779
Who the hell am I kidding?
I don't deserve to be a pilot.
291
00:19:08,847 --> 00:19:10,381
I've let everybody down.
292
00:19:10,449 --> 00:19:12,561
Did you do the best you could?
No.
293
00:19:12,585 --> 00:19:15,586
I was gonna,
but I ended up
getting laid instead.
294
00:19:15,655 --> 00:19:18,255
That reminds me of a guy
you might have heard of,
295
00:19:18,324 --> 00:19:22,326
John Holmes,
the greatest porn star
who ever lived.
296
00:19:22,395 --> 00:19:23,927
You know what he once said?
297
00:19:23,996 --> 00:19:27,164
He said, "You know,
I've got a 13-inch penis,
298
00:19:27,232 --> 00:19:31,234
"and Glenn Quagmire is
the best damn pilot
I've ever seen."
299
00:19:31,303 --> 00:19:33,137
John Holmes said that?
300
00:19:33,205 --> 00:19:37,641
You bet he did, right before
he died a very painful
AIDS-related death
301
00:19:37,710 --> 00:19:40,611
from having unprotected sex
with so many people.
302
00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:46,651
Excuse me, Hef,
I got a plane to land.
303
00:19:57,162 --> 00:19:58,662
We are all gonna die!
304
00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:01,064
I can't believe
this is happening.
305
00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:07,071
- Help us!
- Help!
306
00:20:07,140 --> 00:20:10,040
Men, we're doing everything
in our power to get you down.
307
00:20:10,109 --> 00:20:12,944
Stand aside, sir.
I'll take it from here.
308
00:20:13,012 --> 00:20:14,711
Peter, this is Quagmire.
309
00:20:14,780 --> 00:20:17,426
Now, I want you to listen
very carefully and do exactly
as I tell you.
310
00:20:17,450 --> 00:20:19,361
Take a firm hold of the throttle
311
00:20:19,385 --> 00:20:21,885
and pull the red mixture knob
out slowly.
312
00:20:21,954 --> 00:20:23,621
Okay.
313
00:20:23,690 --> 00:20:25,567
All right, now do you see
a button that looks like
a drunken gay guy
314
00:20:25,591 --> 00:20:27,202
eyeing you from across the bar?
315
00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,827
Um... Uh...
316
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,875
Yeah, I see it.
All right, pressthe button right above it.
317
00:20:32,899 --> 00:20:35,366
Some new developments
in the Flight 209 drama.
318
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:38,202
Recently discharged pilot
Captain Glenn Quagmire
319
00:20:38,271 --> 00:20:40,137
is apparently
talking the plane down.
320
00:20:40,206 --> 00:20:42,039
Ollie Williams has the story.
Ollie?
321
00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:43,308
I'm at the wrong airport.
322
00:20:43,376 --> 00:20:44,875
Oops! Well, thanks Ollie.
323
00:20:44,943 --> 00:20:47,778
Coming up, why calling
every Asian man you meet
"Chung King"
324
00:20:47,846 --> 00:20:50,581
can land an anchorman
in hot water. After this.
325
00:20:55,521 --> 00:20:58,133
All right, Peter,slide the red knoball the way out.
326
00:20:58,157 --> 00:21:01,392
And the second those wheelstouch the ground,you hit the emergency brake.
327
00:21:18,577 --> 00:21:20,744
We made it!
Hallelujah!
328
00:21:20,813 --> 00:21:22,647
Get some!
329
00:21:22,715 --> 00:21:25,955
Well, guess there's nothing
left to do but watch
the end of Last Holiday.
330
00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:30,720
Whoa!
331
00:21:32,091 --> 00:21:33,324
Damn!
332
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:36,827
Oh, no, she didn't.
333
00:21:36,896 --> 00:21:38,562
Oh, yes, she did.
334
00:21:38,631 --> 00:21:39,996
No, she didn't.
335
00:21:40,066 --> 00:21:41,432
Yes, she did.
336
00:21:41,500 --> 00:21:44,701
No, she didn't.
Yes, she did, Peter!
I just saw it!
337
00:21:44,770 --> 00:21:46,003
All right, take it easy.
338
00:21:51,043 --> 00:21:53,343
Glenn,
we are so thrilled for you.
339
00:21:53,412 --> 00:21:55,691
Yeah, I guess it didn't
take too much for you
to get your job back,
340
00:21:55,715 --> 00:21:56,814
now that you're a hero.
341
00:21:56,882 --> 00:21:58,360
Yeah, and I'm so happy for you,
342
00:21:58,384 --> 00:22:00,462
I don't even mind
that I was raped
in a federal prison
343
00:22:00,486 --> 00:22:02,231
after I was arrested
for hijacking.
344
00:22:02,255 --> 00:22:04,288
Well, I couldn't have done it
without you guys.
345
00:22:04,356 --> 00:22:07,791
You put yourselves on the line
and you gave me my life back.
346
00:22:07,860 --> 00:22:09,393
I'll never forget that.
347
00:22:09,462 --> 00:22:12,329
Now if you'll excuse me,
I got to go to work.
28539
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