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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,537 ♪ It seems today that all you see 2 00:00:05,606 --> 00:00:09,274 ♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV 3 00:00:09,343 --> 00:00:12,778 ♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values 4 00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:16,014 ♪ On which we used to rely? 5 00:00:16,083 --> 00:00:19,250 ♪ Lucky there's a family guy 6 00:00:19,319 --> 00:00:22,621 ♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do 7 00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,166 ♪ All the things that make us 8 00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:25,991 ♪ Laugh and cry 9 00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:30,963 ♪ He's a family guy ♪ 10 00:00:36,270 --> 00:00:41,606 Um, Mom, Dad, I decided I want a big party this year with all my friends. 11 00:00:41,675 --> 00:00:44,242 And maybe a band? Is that cool? 12 00:00:44,311 --> 00:00:45,822 Yeah, sure. Yeah, why not? Sure. 13 00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:47,445 Yeah, sure. Yeah, why not? Sure. 14 00:00:47,514 --> 00:00:50,215 Oh, thanks, guys, you're the best. 15 00:00:50,283 --> 00:00:52,584 What's she talking about? A party for what? 16 00:00:52,652 --> 00:00:54,898 I don't know. She have her period or something? 17 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:57,367 Is she getting married? No, if she was getting married, 18 00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,035 we probably would have seen a guy around, right? 19 00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,259 Sound reasoning. 20 00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:02,961 You guys. It's Meg's birthday next week. 21 00:01:03,030 --> 00:01:04,997 Oh, my God. It is. 22 00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:06,965 Peter, we got to put together a party. 23 00:01:07,033 --> 00:01:09,268 Oh, man, I hate kids' birthday parties. 24 00:01:09,336 --> 00:01:11,081 This is gonna be worse than that time I was stuck 25 00:01:11,105 --> 00:01:13,238 behind Robert Loggia at the airport. 26 00:01:13,307 --> 00:01:16,174 May I have your name please? Robert Loggia. 27 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,675 Can you spell that for me? 28 00:01:17,744 --> 00:01:22,814 Certainly. That's Robert Loggia. R as in Robert Loggia. 29 00:01:22,882 --> 00:01:26,485 O as in "Oh, my God, it's Robert Loggia." 30 00:01:26,553 --> 00:01:30,188 B as in "By God, that's Robert Loggia." 31 00:01:30,257 --> 00:01:34,192 E as in "Everybody loves Robert Loggia." 32 00:01:34,261 --> 00:01:37,395 R as in Robert Loggia. 33 00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:40,865 T as in "Tim, look over there, it's Robert Loggia." 34 00:01:41,335 --> 00:01:42,634 Space. 35 00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:45,570 L as in "Look, it's Robert Loggia." 36 00:01:51,212 --> 00:01:52,856 Here you are, Brian. What's this? 37 00:01:52,880 --> 00:01:55,680 It's an invitation to Meg's party. I'm the party planner. 38 00:01:55,749 --> 00:01:58,383 You have to RSVP. You could do it right now if you want. 39 00:01:58,452 --> 00:01:59,930 All right, fine. I'll come to Meg's party. 40 00:01:59,954 --> 00:02:02,921 No, you have to call the RSVP line. 41 00:02:02,990 --> 00:02:05,324 You got to be kidding me. I'm waiting. 42 00:02:05,392 --> 00:02:08,293 Ring, ring. 43 00:02:09,096 --> 00:02:10,662 Aren't you gonna pick it up? 44 00:02:10,731 --> 00:02:13,009 No, I'm not gonna pick it up on the first few rings. I'm busy. 45 00:02:13,033 --> 00:02:14,733 Maybe I'm in the other room. 46 00:02:14,801 --> 00:02:21,106 Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. 47 00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:24,375 Ring. Oh, come on. Hello. 48 00:02:24,444 --> 00:02:26,211 Stewie? No. 49 00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:29,225 This is Stewie's housekeeper, Mrs. Pennyapple. I'll see if he's in. Stewie. 50 00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:31,182 Stewie. Yes, Mrs. Pennyapple? 51 00:02:31,251 --> 00:02:32,971 You've got a telephone call. Who is it? 52 00:02:33,020 --> 00:02:34,920 He didn't say. Well, find out, would you? 53 00:02:34,989 --> 00:02:36,466 Who is this? It's Brian. 54 00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,123 It's Brian. Oh, Brian. 55 00:02:38,191 --> 00:02:41,126 Probably RSVPing about Megan's party. Hello, Brian. 56 00:02:41,194 --> 00:02:42,739 Hi, Stewie. What can I do for you? 57 00:02:42,763 --> 00:02:44,295 I'm coming to Meg's party. 58 00:02:44,364 --> 00:02:46,610 Oh, splendid, just give your information to Mrs. Pennyapple. 59 00:02:46,634 --> 00:02:48,233 Hello, it's Mrs. Pennyapple again. 60 00:02:48,301 --> 00:02:50,102 Shall I put you down for two, Brendan? 61 00:02:50,170 --> 00:02:51,247 Brian. Ryan. 62 00:02:51,271 --> 00:02:52,348 Brian. Mitchell. 63 00:02:52,372 --> 00:02:53,892 What? Goodbye. 64 00:02:55,309 --> 00:02:57,209 Hey, Lois, I'm ordering a birthday cake 65 00:02:57,277 --> 00:03:00,245 and the guy wants to know how old Meg is. I didn't know what to tell him. 66 00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,234 You're asking me? Yeah, how old is Meg? 67 00:03:02,282 --> 00:03:03,749 Well, I don't know. 68 00:03:03,817 --> 00:03:06,362 Well, my God, Lois. I thought you were the one keeping track of that. 69 00:03:06,386 --> 00:03:08,252 No, no, I have no idea. 70 00:03:08,322 --> 00:03:10,956 Don't you remember me faking my way through her last birthday? 71 00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:15,660 ♪ You are... going on... 72 00:03:15,729 --> 00:03:18,930 ♪ Fellows will fall in line ♪ 73 00:03:18,999 --> 00:03:23,201 Should we just ask her how old she is? 74 00:03:23,270 --> 00:03:25,704 Uh, that'd be kind of awkward, huh? 75 00:03:25,772 --> 00:03:28,840 Hey, maybe we should just cut off her leg and count the rings. 76 00:03:28,908 --> 00:03:33,679 Yeah, or maybe try carbon-dating. I don't know what that is. 77 00:03:33,747 --> 00:03:36,081 You know, we're gonna have to talk to her 78 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:39,417 and kind of steer the conversation in a way that gets her to spill it. 79 00:03:40,587 --> 00:03:41,587 Come in. 80 00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:43,655 Hi, sweetie. Hey, Meg. 81 00:03:43,723 --> 00:03:46,891 So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? 82 00:03:46,960 --> 00:03:50,428 You excited about turning... 83 00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:56,934 Uh, Meg, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. 84 00:03:57,003 --> 00:03:59,538 How does that sound? That's not right. 85 00:03:59,606 --> 00:04:03,475 So less, more, 86 00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:06,744 too many, not enough? 87 00:04:06,813 --> 00:04:10,415 You stupid son of a bitch, you didn't even know how old I am. 88 00:04:10,484 --> 00:04:13,618 Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age. 89 00:04:14,321 --> 00:04:16,454 Or is it? 90 00:04:16,523 --> 00:04:18,756 I'm gonna be 17, you jerks. 91 00:04:20,227 --> 00:04:21,759 She's the jerk. 92 00:04:25,865 --> 00:04:27,443 All right, come on in, everybody. 93 00:04:27,467 --> 00:04:28,667 Have a seat anywhere. 94 00:04:28,702 --> 00:04:30,836 Meg's gonna open her presents in a little bit. 95 00:04:30,904 --> 00:04:34,172 Oh, Francis, I'm glad you could make it. 96 00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:37,542 Here, this is for Megan. Oh, what is it? 97 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,545 It's a cookie from lunch period at the home. 98 00:04:40,614 --> 00:04:44,282 Well, I'm sure she'll love this. I want to see her eat it. 99 00:04:44,351 --> 00:04:46,395 So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, 100 00:04:46,419 --> 00:04:49,788 and the bartender says a grasshopper, so the guy orders a grasshopper. 101 00:04:49,857 --> 00:04:51,322 Then he's walking home 102 00:04:51,391 --> 00:04:53,469 and along the way he notices a grasshopper on the ground. 103 00:04:53,493 --> 00:04:56,862 So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?" 104 00:04:56,930 --> 00:04:59,850 The grasshopper says, "You mean, there's a drink named Irving?" 105 00:05:04,038 --> 00:05:06,319 So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity? 106 00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,306 Mom, this party sucks. 107 00:05:08,375 --> 00:05:12,377 I mean, balloons? Pin the Tail on the Donkey? I'm not five years old. 108 00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:15,513 Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together. 109 00:05:15,582 --> 00:05:17,815 And he says he's got a big surprise for you. 110 00:05:17,884 --> 00:05:21,820 Hey, kids, I'm Pee-Pants, the inebriated hobo clown. 111 00:05:21,888 --> 00:05:24,456 I'm an adorable tramp who wears found clothing 112 00:05:24,524 --> 00:05:26,290 and eats out of your garbage can. 113 00:05:26,360 --> 00:05:29,327 A clown? Dad, I'm 17. 114 00:05:29,395 --> 00:05:32,230 Meg, guess what Pee-Pants got you for your birthday? 115 00:05:32,299 --> 00:05:34,766 A scarf. I don't want a scarf, Dad. 116 00:05:34,834 --> 00:05:38,069 Well, then, how about a dozen scarves? 117 00:05:44,310 --> 00:05:47,779 Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those. 118 00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:55,197 Here you go, Meg. 119 00:05:55,221 --> 00:05:57,655 I don't want them. Take them. 120 00:05:57,724 --> 00:05:59,857 Hey, are my long johns tied to the end of those? 121 00:05:59,926 --> 00:06:01,537 No. Oh, God. 122 00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,474 Mom, can I just open my presents now? All right, Meg. 123 00:06:15,542 --> 00:06:17,553 Thank you. What the... 124 00:06:17,577 --> 00:06:19,417 Hey, let's see what else we got here. 125 00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,914 The first season of Sister, Sister on DVD. 126 00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,315 You're welcome. 127 00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:27,118 Stewie, what are you doing? You can't open Meg's gifts. 128 00:06:27,187 --> 00:06:30,455 Hey. These are mine. You hear me? Mine. 129 00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:34,393 Oh, God. Not the "mine" phase. I've been dreading this day. 130 00:06:34,461 --> 00:06:36,071 I'm entitled to these things, Lois, 131 00:06:36,095 --> 00:06:39,964 especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall. 132 00:06:40,033 --> 00:06:41,644 What do you want for Christmas? 133 00:06:41,668 --> 00:06:44,469 Um, I was thinking maybe one of those old-timey... 134 00:06:44,538 --> 00:06:46,738 Too late. Take too long. Sad Christmas. 135 00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,151 What you want? Fire truck. 136 00:06:48,175 --> 00:06:49,218 What color? Red. 137 00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:51,242 Next. 138 00:06:51,879 --> 00:06:53,644 Peter, have you been drinking? 139 00:06:53,713 --> 00:06:55,291 Well, a little. It is a party. 140 00:06:55,315 --> 00:06:57,515 Take off that stupid costume. 141 00:06:57,583 --> 00:06:59,217 You look like a damn fool. 142 00:06:59,286 --> 00:07:02,754 Oh, Dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale. 143 00:07:02,823 --> 00:07:04,600 Everyone, I'll be right back. 144 00:07:04,624 --> 00:07:08,226 In the meantime, I leave you with the musical stylings of Chris Griffin. 145 00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:17,169 ♪ I don't know what we're afraid of 146 00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:23,341 ♪ Nothing would change if we made love 147 00:07:23,410 --> 00:07:28,779 ♪ So I'll be your friend 148 00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:35,587 ♪ And I'll be your lover ♪ 149 00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:40,592 All right, this is gonna blow you guys away. 150 00:07:42,529 --> 00:07:43,973 Grandpa! Oh, my God. 151 00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:45,964 Is he breathing? Somebody call an ambulance. 152 00:07:46,033 --> 00:07:49,000 Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances. 153 00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,240 How is he, Doctor? 154 00:07:55,309 --> 00:07:58,087 Mrs. Griffin, his internal injuries were much too severe. 155 00:07:58,111 --> 00:08:00,511 I'd estimate he'll be dead within the hour. 156 00:08:00,580 --> 00:08:03,982 Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen 157 00:08:04,050 --> 00:08:05,449 and punctured your lung. 158 00:08:05,518 --> 00:08:08,197 I don't know if you can hear me right now, 159 00:08:08,221 --> 00:08:11,622 but I hope you know I love you, Dad. 160 00:08:11,691 --> 00:08:17,796 Peter, come closer. There's something I need to say to you. 161 00:08:17,864 --> 00:08:20,009 I'm here, Dad. What is it? 162 00:08:20,033 --> 00:08:24,302 Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. 163 00:08:26,005 --> 00:08:28,873 Oh, my God, he's dead. He can't be dead. 164 00:08:28,942 --> 00:08:31,009 There's got to be something I can do. 165 00:08:31,078 --> 00:08:33,118 Maybe I'll bury him in the pet cemetery. 166 00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:39,531 Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery. 167 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:46,190 I can't believe Grandpa's dead. 168 00:08:46,259 --> 00:08:51,228 Well, he did kind of treat us like crap, but, yes, it is a tragedy. 169 00:08:51,297 --> 00:08:52,730 It is a tragedy. 170 00:08:52,799 --> 00:08:54,639 Excuse us. Yeah, we'll be right back. 171 00:09:05,645 --> 00:09:07,789 We're all gonna miss him. Tragic. 172 00:09:07,813 --> 00:09:09,213 You know what the worst part is? 173 00:09:09,281 --> 00:09:12,149 All I wanted was for my dad to tell me he loved me. 174 00:09:12,218 --> 00:09:14,952 But instead he called me "a fat, stinking drunk." 175 00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:16,454 Those were his last words. 176 00:09:16,522 --> 00:09:19,223 Well, I hate to side with your father, Peter, 177 00:09:19,292 --> 00:09:21,436 but you do kind of drink a lot. 178 00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:25,029 And you know, sometimes it affects the people you love. 179 00:09:25,098 --> 00:09:27,231 Oh, my God. Lois, you're right. 180 00:09:27,299 --> 00:09:31,068 Booze made me fall down all those stairs. Booze killed my father. 181 00:09:31,137 --> 00:09:35,873 Well, from this day forward, I, Peter Griffin, will never drink again. 182 00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,146 Peter, what're you doing? Crack. 183 00:09:42,214 --> 00:09:45,060 What the fuck? Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian. 184 00:09:45,084 --> 00:09:48,552 Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack? 185 00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:49,965 From Black's. What? 186 00:09:49,989 --> 00:09:51,700 Yeah, right behind Black's hardware store, 187 00:09:51,724 --> 00:09:53,002 there's a white guy selling it. 188 00:09:53,026 --> 00:09:55,004 Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. 189 00:09:55,028 --> 00:09:59,063 You need to get to the heart of why you feel the need to drink in the first place. 190 00:09:59,132 --> 00:10:02,566 Look, here. This is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see. 191 00:10:02,635 --> 00:10:04,595 All right, Brian. Good. 192 00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:12,376 Hey, Peter, just thought I'd check on you. Oh, my God! 193 00:10:12,445 --> 00:10:15,279 Government came and took my baby. 194 00:10:18,251 --> 00:10:22,119 This is mine and this is mine and that's mine and this is mine. 195 00:10:22,655 --> 00:10:23,954 Oh, what's this? 196 00:10:24,023 --> 00:10:27,358 "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages." 197 00:10:28,595 --> 00:10:31,095 "Dare Card. Have her do a striptease 198 00:10:31,163 --> 00:10:33,898 "and see how long it takes you to get a bonner." 199 00:10:34,567 --> 00:10:35,733 What's a bonner? 200 00:10:35,802 --> 00:10:38,469 Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box? 201 00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:41,238 Now, you give that back to Mommy. No, go to hell. 202 00:10:41,307 --> 00:10:45,576 Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours. 203 00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,578 Now give that back to Mommy. 204 00:10:47,647 --> 00:10:50,415 Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can. 205 00:10:50,483 --> 00:10:54,785 That is enough. You, you struck me. 206 00:10:54,854 --> 00:11:00,524 Oh, my God. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie? 207 00:11:04,464 --> 00:11:08,566 Oh, honey, I'm sorry, Mommy would never hurt you. 208 00:11:08,634 --> 00:11:10,134 Let me give you a hug. 209 00:11:13,672 --> 00:11:17,174 I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa OD'd in my car. 210 00:11:17,243 --> 00:11:18,776 She is messed up, man. 211 00:11:18,844 --> 00:11:21,779 Shut up. Just shut up. Let me fucking think. 212 00:11:21,848 --> 00:11:23,692 Push her out. We can't leave her alone. 213 00:11:23,716 --> 00:11:24,916 Push the bitch out. 214 00:11:29,422 --> 00:11:33,091 Okay, for starters, why don't you just lay back and relax? 215 00:11:33,159 --> 00:11:38,128 Loosen up them trousers. Now, feel the air between them toes. 216 00:11:38,198 --> 00:11:41,365 Feel a gentle wind blowing the hair on them legs. 217 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:43,934 Breezing up on through the rest of your body, 218 00:11:44,003 --> 00:11:47,505 through your private areas, through your anus. 219 00:11:47,574 --> 00:11:50,774 Now let's go back in your mind to your childhood, 220 00:11:50,843 --> 00:11:53,244 to some of your deepest memories, 221 00:11:53,313 --> 00:11:55,913 maybe some that aren't so happy. 222 00:11:55,981 --> 00:11:58,316 You know, the anus has the second-highest density 223 00:11:58,384 --> 00:12:00,017 of nerve endings in the body. 224 00:12:01,287 --> 00:12:03,053 You remembering anything? 225 00:12:03,122 --> 00:12:05,022 Like maybe being the best at jump rope 226 00:12:05,091 --> 00:12:08,726 and not being allowed to win the ribbon just because you was a boy? 227 00:12:08,794 --> 00:12:12,563 Or being told everything you made in pottery class was inappropriate? 228 00:12:12,632 --> 00:12:14,632 Yeah, I'm getting something. 229 00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:19,436 Happy Father's Day, Dad. I'm not your father. 230 00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:24,041 Oh, my God. Francis Griffin wasn't my real father. 231 00:12:24,109 --> 00:12:26,209 I wonder what else I've repressed? 232 00:12:26,278 --> 00:12:29,213 Oh, my God. I could've had a V8. 233 00:12:32,418 --> 00:12:34,852 It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare. 234 00:12:34,921 --> 00:12:39,223 Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself. 235 00:12:39,292 --> 00:12:42,026 Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes. 236 00:12:44,630 --> 00:12:47,698 I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother. I'm sorry I misbehaved. 237 00:12:47,767 --> 00:12:50,134 It won't happen again. 238 00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:52,202 I love you, Mommy dearest. 239 00:12:57,243 --> 00:12:58,876 It was awful, Rupert. 240 00:12:58,944 --> 00:13:04,848 I felt terrified and brutalized and humiliated and, and, and alive. 241 00:13:04,917 --> 00:13:08,185 My God, I haven't felt that alive in years. 242 00:13:08,254 --> 00:13:12,523 Rupert, you know, I think perhaps I may be one of those people 243 00:13:12,591 --> 00:13:14,559 who gets a jolly out of being hit. 244 00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:19,429 Stewie, there you are. Mommy is so sorry she hit you. 245 00:13:19,498 --> 00:13:22,099 I promise I will never lay a hand on you again. 246 00:13:22,168 --> 00:13:25,147 Well, let's not make any rash decisions. I mean, I did provoke you. 247 00:13:25,171 --> 00:13:28,473 Come on, Lois, hit me. Beat the crap out of me, step on my cubes. 248 00:13:34,947 --> 00:13:38,415 Oh, hi, Peter. Are you here to bring back the TV set? 249 00:13:38,484 --> 00:13:41,618 No, I sold it for crack. But listen, Mom, I got to ask you something. 250 00:13:41,687 --> 00:13:44,255 Who's my real father? 251 00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:48,392 I knew this day would come. All right, Peter, here it is. 252 00:13:48,461 --> 00:13:51,728 About 40 years ago, I was vacationing in Ireland 253 00:13:51,797 --> 00:13:54,965 and I met a young rogue named Mickey McFinnegan. 254 00:13:55,034 --> 00:13:58,436 Peter, Mickey is your real father. 255 00:13:58,505 --> 00:14:01,172 Oh, my God. I got to find him. 256 00:14:03,475 --> 00:14:04,841 To Ireland. 257 00:14:10,516 --> 00:14:12,361 Sweetheart, when will you be back? 258 00:14:12,385 --> 00:14:13,651 I don't know, Lois, 259 00:14:13,719 --> 00:14:16,187 all I know is somewhere in the great land of Ireland 260 00:14:16,256 --> 00:14:19,023 is a big, fat bastard who looks like me. 261 00:14:19,091 --> 00:14:20,902 Call me as soon as you can, Peter. 262 00:14:20,926 --> 00:14:23,060 And I really hope you find your real father. 263 00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:27,565 We're gonna miss you, Dad. Come back soon, Daddy. I love you. 264 00:14:27,633 --> 00:14:29,967 That'll do, pig, that'll do. 265 00:14:33,305 --> 00:14:35,918 There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, 266 00:14:35,942 --> 00:14:38,142 it'll give me the rush I've been looking for. 267 00:14:40,546 --> 00:14:42,190 Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? 268 00:14:42,214 --> 00:14:43,792 Oh, God. I've been so bloody naughty. 269 00:14:43,816 --> 00:14:46,176 Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it. 270 00:14:47,954 --> 00:14:52,422 Oh, thank you. Thank you. 271 00:14:52,491 --> 00:14:56,360 Yeah, all that stuff, let's make that happen. 272 00:14:56,429 --> 00:14:59,709 Oh, hi, sweetie, you want some juice? Oh, that would be lovely. 273 00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,968 Oh, Stewie. Yeah. 274 00:15:04,037 --> 00:15:05,469 Look at the mess you made. 275 00:15:05,538 --> 00:15:07,972 Oh, I've made a terrible mess, haven't I? 276 00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:10,619 Yes, I've made you take time out of your day to clean up my mess 277 00:15:10,643 --> 00:15:12,309 and I should be punished for it. Go. 278 00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:15,513 Well, I guess it's not that big a deal. Accidents happen. 279 00:15:15,581 --> 00:15:18,882 Oh, I don't know. Don't you think you should spank me or slice my nostril? 280 00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:22,319 It's all right, Stewie, now go play. Oh, all right. 281 00:15:24,624 --> 00:15:28,825 Look, I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall. Punish me. 282 00:15:28,894 --> 00:15:32,763 Sweetie, you really gotta... Looks like David Tua. 283 00:15:32,832 --> 00:15:34,576 You've really got to stop misbehaving. 284 00:15:34,600 --> 00:15:35,978 You're getting on Mommy's nerves. 285 00:15:36,002 --> 00:15:37,546 Well, you know what will ease your stress? 286 00:15:37,570 --> 00:15:39,603 Slap me across the face like a bitch. 287 00:15:39,672 --> 00:15:42,039 It's all right. I'll get some Windex. 288 00:15:42,108 --> 00:15:43,440 Come on. Discipline me. 289 00:15:43,509 --> 00:15:45,809 Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, 290 00:15:45,878 --> 00:15:49,513 violate me with a wine bottle. My God. I really do have problems, don't I? 291 00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:55,952 Welcome to Ireland. We'll be landing in five minutes. 292 00:15:55,988 --> 00:15:57,488 This is quite a country, Brian. 293 00:15:57,557 --> 00:16:00,257 You know, Ireland has more drunks per capita than people. 294 00:16:00,326 --> 00:16:01,637 Oh, that's a negative stereotype. 295 00:16:01,661 --> 00:16:04,328 I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do. 296 00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:18,175 Excuse me, is this McSwiggen Village? 297 00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:20,911 Devil a man who'll say a word against it, hmm? 298 00:16:20,980 --> 00:16:22,813 Is that a yes or a no? 299 00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:26,550 Aye, it is McSwiggen Village, where the hills are green, the streams are clear 300 00:16:26,619 --> 00:16:30,054 and the sweaters are so thick, even the boniest-fingered nun 301 00:16:30,122 --> 00:16:32,334 could poke you in the chest and it wouldn't bother you none. 302 00:16:32,358 --> 00:16:36,060 Don't be so bold with your dark hair and your proud ways. 303 00:16:36,129 --> 00:16:37,527 I can't feel a thing. 304 00:16:37,596 --> 00:16:38,974 Hey, what are those guys doing? 305 00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,064 Those are the McMurphy brothers. 306 00:16:41,133 --> 00:16:44,001 They've been circling that same spot for 50 years, 307 00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:46,937 just daring each other to throw the first punch. 308 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:49,073 Just you try it. Oh, I'll try it. 309 00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,153 Just you try it. You'll feel it when I try it. 310 00:16:51,177 --> 00:16:53,944 I'd like to see you have at it. Would you now? 311 00:17:00,820 --> 00:17:03,487 Hey, you heard of a man named Mickey McFinnegan? 312 00:17:03,556 --> 00:17:05,723 Have I heard of him? Of course I've heard of him. 313 00:17:05,792 --> 00:17:07,057 He's the town drunk. 314 00:17:07,126 --> 00:17:09,093 Town drunk? Oh, my God. 315 00:17:09,161 --> 00:17:11,041 You mean, he's the disgrace of the whole town? 316 00:17:13,232 --> 00:17:15,333 You lads aren't from around here, are you? 317 00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:18,502 Top of the morning, laddies. Let me cut you an Irish rose. 318 00:17:21,774 --> 00:17:24,275 I don't know exactly where the County Cork is, 319 00:17:24,343 --> 00:17:25,675 but I know where it should be. 320 00:17:29,482 --> 00:17:33,517 Around here the town drunk is a person of great honor. 321 00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,785 Excuse me, sir. My name is Peter. 322 00:17:35,854 --> 00:17:37,765 Pleased to meet you, lad. Name's Mickey. 323 00:17:37,789 --> 00:17:42,592 Listen, this may be hard for you to believe, but you're my father. 324 00:17:42,661 --> 00:17:44,294 Oh, am I now? 325 00:17:44,363 --> 00:17:46,830 Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you. 326 00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:50,701 I suppose it's money you're wanting. I owe you some allowance and so forth. 327 00:17:53,940 --> 00:17:57,641 Oh, no, I don't want money, I just want to get to know you and be friends. 328 00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:01,011 So I can finally have a real dad who loves and respects me. 329 00:18:01,080 --> 00:18:04,181 You can't be me son, you and me are nothing alike. 330 00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:05,915 Just ask me sheep, O'Brian. 331 00:18:05,984 --> 00:18:08,819 Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here? 332 00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:13,623 Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, 333 00:18:13,692 --> 00:18:15,671 and neither one of them wants anything to do with you. 334 00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:16,938 There's got to be some way 335 00:18:16,962 --> 00:18:19,875 I can make him see that I'm worthy of being his son. 336 00:18:19,899 --> 00:18:24,034 About the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat stinking drunk. 337 00:18:24,102 --> 00:18:27,738 Peter, you're a fat, stinking drunk. 338 00:18:27,807 --> 00:18:31,107 What? You're a fat, stinking drunk. 339 00:18:31,177 --> 00:18:33,388 Yes, from what he's told us that's right on the money. 340 00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:34,744 Challenge him, you must. 341 00:18:34,813 --> 00:18:36,647 And I'm Hayden Christensen. 342 00:18:36,716 --> 00:18:40,450 Wait a minute, Brian. That's it. I'm a fat, stinking drunk 343 00:18:40,519 --> 00:18:44,688 because my father is a fat, stinking drunk. And I got to prove it to him. 344 00:18:44,756 --> 00:18:46,834 I have gotta drink him so far under the table, 345 00:18:46,858 --> 00:18:49,003 he'll have no choice but to respect me. 346 00:18:49,027 --> 00:18:50,561 Get me a beer, Brian. 347 00:18:50,629 --> 00:18:51,973 I am gonna prepare for this 348 00:18:51,997 --> 00:18:54,765 as thoroughly as Ben Affleck prepares for a role. 349 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:58,502 I got to be Henry VIII in 20 minutes. 350 00:18:58,571 --> 00:19:01,639 Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. Got it. 351 00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:08,578 Mickey McFinnegan, I challenge you to a drinking contest. 352 00:19:10,182 --> 00:19:13,161 And what makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me? 353 00:19:13,185 --> 00:19:15,852 Because I'm your son and I'm tough. 354 00:19:15,921 --> 00:19:18,355 I made it halfway through Failure to Launch. 355 00:19:18,424 --> 00:19:22,626 I just never managed to get my life together, isn't that hilarious? 356 00:19:24,030 --> 00:19:25,496 You're cute. 357 00:19:25,564 --> 00:19:26,663 Done. 358 00:19:28,233 --> 00:19:30,033 As we say in Ireland, 359 00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:34,104 let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us. 360 00:19:37,076 --> 00:19:38,541 I got 20 on the fat one. 361 00:19:38,610 --> 00:19:41,211 Which one's the fat one? Which one's the fat one? 362 00:20:30,128 --> 00:20:32,228 What happened? Peter, you won. 363 00:20:32,298 --> 00:20:35,832 My God. Nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink. 364 00:20:35,901 --> 00:20:37,979 Now do you believe that you're my dad? 365 00:20:38,003 --> 00:20:41,271 Nobody but a McFinnegan could handle that much of the creature. 366 00:20:41,340 --> 00:20:44,241 You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh, all right. 367 00:20:44,310 --> 00:20:45,743 Welcome to me family, Peter. 368 00:20:45,811 --> 00:20:48,311 Did you hear that, Brian? I'm a McFinnegan now. 369 00:20:48,380 --> 00:20:50,147 I can forget all about Francis. 370 00:20:50,216 --> 00:20:52,493 You know, there's something you should always remember, Peter. 371 00:20:52,517 --> 00:20:56,720 Francis may not have been your father, but he raised you as if you were his own. 372 00:20:56,788 --> 00:20:59,589 And if that isn't love, I don't know what is. 373 00:20:59,658 --> 00:21:02,926 Wow. I guess you're right, but there is one thing, Mickey. 374 00:21:02,995 --> 00:21:05,229 You knocked up my mom and never called her again. 375 00:21:05,297 --> 00:21:08,365 Yeah, so what? So what? So let's dance. 376 00:21:08,433 --> 00:21:10,734 ♪ Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring 377 00:21:10,803 --> 00:21:12,413 ♪ And he never taught me anything 378 00:21:12,437 --> 00:21:15,939 ♪ But still I slap my chest and sing of my drunken Irish dad 379 00:21:16,008 --> 00:21:18,020 ♪ Oh, his face looks like a railroad map 380 00:21:18,044 --> 00:21:19,721 ♪ And he never shuts his freakin' trap 381 00:21:19,745 --> 00:21:23,147 ♪ But all the ladies catch the clap from your drunken Irish dad 382 00:21:23,215 --> 00:21:26,060 ♪ Ask a Hennessy, Tennessy, Morrison, Shaughnessy, Riordan and Rooney 383 00:21:26,084 --> 00:21:27,262 ♪ They'll tell you the same 384 00:21:27,286 --> 00:21:29,064 ♪ McNulty, Mulroney and Cotter and Clooney 385 00:21:29,088 --> 00:21:30,865 ♪ All feel the same mixture of pride and of shame 386 00:21:30,889 --> 00:21:32,569 ♪ Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flannigan 387 00:21:32,624 --> 00:21:34,502 ♪ Look to the ground when their dad passes by 388 00:21:34,526 --> 00:21:36,171 ♪ Cafferty, Rafferty, Joyce and O'Lafferty 389 00:21:36,195 --> 00:21:40,698 ♪ Fight for his honor and then start to cry 390 00:21:56,615 --> 00:21:58,548 ♪ Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm 391 00:21:58,618 --> 00:22:00,394 ♪ And our moods infect us like a germ 392 00:22:00,418 --> 00:22:04,254 ♪ 'Cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm 393 00:22:04,323 --> 00:22:05,967 And we don't tan well, either. 394 00:22:05,991 --> 00:22:08,125 ♪ From a drunken Irish dad ♪ 32629

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