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00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:05,738
♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:09,308
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:09,376 --> 00:00:12,778
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:12,847 --> 00:00:15,947
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:19,317
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:19,386 --> 00:00:22,621
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:22,689 --> 00:00:24,188
♪ All the things that make us
8
00:00:24,258 --> 00:00:25,991
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:26,059 --> 00:00:30,962
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:37,369
And now back
to Romancing the Stone.
11
00:00:37,437 --> 00:00:40,750
The only way they're notgoing to kill my sister isif we give them the stone.
12
00:00:40,774 --> 00:00:42,552
Well, they're going to be
looking everywhere.
13
00:00:42,576 --> 00:00:45,243
We'll have to hide it
in my chin.
14
00:00:45,312 --> 00:00:48,413
Uh-oh, here they come.You'd betterget in there, too.
15
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:55,287
Good God, Joan Wilder's
sister is being held hostage
in Cartagena,
16
00:00:55,355 --> 00:00:59,191
and there's not a policeman
in sight.
I guess it's up to me.
17
00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:01,693
Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker.
And I'm Diane Simmons.
18
00:01:01,762 --> 00:01:05,230
Our top story,
Mayor West has dispatched
the entire Quahog Police Force
19
00:01:05,298 --> 00:01:07,733
to Cartagena, Colombia,
to assist in the rescue
20
00:01:07,801 --> 00:01:11,003
of fictional
1984 movie character,
Elaine Wilder.
21
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,370
More on that later.
22
00:01:12,439 --> 00:01:14,317
Now let's go
to Ollie Williams'
Cooking Corner.
23
00:01:14,341 --> 00:01:15,618
What are you making, Ollie?
Eggo!
24
00:01:15,642 --> 00:01:17,175
Thanks, Ollie. And now this.
25
00:01:21,115 --> 00:01:23,682
Lois, can you
come out here for a second?
26
00:01:25,119 --> 00:01:26,863
Hey, Lois, can you run inside
and get me some oranges
27
00:01:26,887 --> 00:01:28,331
or whatever it is
these things eat?
28
00:01:28,355 --> 00:01:30,122
Peter, what is that?
29
00:01:30,190 --> 00:01:34,092
This would be a giraffe,
Isaac Newton.
I stole it from the zoo.
30
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:35,939
What with Mayor West
sending all the cops away,
31
00:01:35,963 --> 00:01:37,440
everybody can do
whatever they want.
32
00:01:37,464 --> 00:01:39,997
Peter, I don't care
what Mayor West has done.
33
00:01:40,066 --> 00:01:41,633
You can't just break the law.
34
00:01:41,702 --> 00:01:43,568
Sure, I can.
I've been doing it all week.
35
00:01:43,637 --> 00:01:47,105
Like yesterday,
I started a lovable gang
of cockney pickpockets.
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00:01:47,174 --> 00:01:50,041
All right, boys,
the best targets are old,
rich people.
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00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,144
There's one now. Go get him.
38
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,980
Oh, no, there's no police here
to help me!
39
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:59,718
I hope you don't
find the money
strapped to my thigh.
40
00:01:59,787 --> 00:02:02,654
Peter, you take
that thing back
where it belongs immediately.
41
00:02:02,723 --> 00:02:06,157
All right, I guess we gotta go
back to the zoo,
Allison Janney.
42
00:02:06,226 --> 00:02:07,859
Allison Janney?
43
00:02:07,928 --> 00:02:11,329
Oh, good morning,
honey. That feels really good.
What...
44
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:13,031
Hey! Hey! Hey!
What the hell?
45
00:02:13,100 --> 00:02:16,534
You're not the same giraffe
from last night.
Get out of here!
46
00:02:19,206 --> 00:02:20,939
What the hell?
47
00:02:21,008 --> 00:02:24,275
No, no, no, no, no, no, no!
48
00:02:24,344 --> 00:02:28,346
I gotta stop taking my baths
during Peter's shenanigans.
49
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:35,787
Hello. Oh, hey, Jillian.
What's up?
50
00:02:35,856 --> 00:02:39,224
Brian, are you coming over
to watch Laguna Beach tonight?
51
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:40,959
What time does it start?
52
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,428
10:00 Eastern
and specific time.
53
00:02:43,497 --> 00:02:45,897
What? What did you say?
Specific time?
54
00:02:45,965 --> 00:02:47,143
Don't you mean Pacific time?
55
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:49,534
No, I think
it's called specific time.
56
00:02:49,603 --> 00:02:51,748
They mean it starts
specifically at 10:00.
57
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:54,540
Stewie, are you on the line?
58
00:02:54,608 --> 00:02:55,707
Yes.
59
00:02:55,776 --> 00:02:57,219
Jillian, I'll talk to you later.
60
00:03:02,382 --> 00:03:04,382
So, Meg...
61
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,519
How was school?
Horrible.
62
00:03:08,588 --> 00:03:11,856
There's a dance Friday night
and no one wants
to go with me.
63
00:03:11,925 --> 00:03:14,159
Even my backup guy had plans.
64
00:03:14,228 --> 00:03:15,360
Hi, Jimmy.
65
00:03:15,429 --> 00:03:17,541
I heard you didn't
have a date to the dance,
66
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:19,698
and I was wondering
if you'd like to go with me.
67
00:03:19,767 --> 00:03:22,100
Oh, I...
68
00:03:22,502 --> 00:03:23,535
Hang on.
69
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:32,311
I'd love to go, Meg,
but I have to go to my little
brother's funeral that night.
70
00:03:32,379 --> 00:03:34,257
Oh, I'm sure you'll find
someone to go with you.
71
00:03:34,281 --> 00:03:37,649
No, I won't.
I'm so fat and gross.
72
00:03:37,718 --> 00:03:39,050
Oh...
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00:03:39,119 --> 00:03:42,120
I should just kill myself.
74
00:03:42,188 --> 00:03:45,790
Oh, that's... Come on.
I'm gonna do it.
75
00:03:45,859 --> 00:03:48,860
I'm gonna kill myself
'cause no one will go with me.
76
00:03:48,928 --> 00:03:50,361
Oh...
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00:03:52,433 --> 00:03:57,468
Meg, stop it. Come on.
78
00:03:57,537 --> 00:04:00,005
All right, all right,
Meg, look, what if I...
79
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:03,741
What if I drove you
and walked in with you
or whatever?
80
00:04:03,810 --> 00:04:05,676
Brian, will you go with me?
81
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:07,790
Are you going to
kill yourself if I don't?
Yeah.
82
00:04:07,814 --> 00:04:10,047
Well, then my hands
are pretty much tied.
83
00:04:10,117 --> 00:04:12,028
Oh, Brian, thank you,
thank you, thank you.
84
00:04:12,052 --> 00:04:15,753
Oh, I have to buy a new dress.
All the ones
I have make me look fat.
85
00:04:15,822 --> 00:04:17,356
Oh...
86
00:04:17,424 --> 00:04:20,358
The story on everyone's mind
continues to be
87
00:04:20,427 --> 00:04:23,395
the absence
of police officers in Quahog.
88
00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:26,631
Sir, as a citizen,
how has this affected you?
89
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:30,001
The police are gone?
Oh, my God,
we're finally safe!
90
00:04:30,070 --> 00:04:34,005
♪ Freedom you seeHas got our hearts singingso joyfully
91
00:04:34,074 --> 00:04:37,809
♪ Just look aboutYou owe it to yourselfto check it out
92
00:04:37,877 --> 00:04:41,780
♪ Can't you feel
a brand-new day?
93
00:04:41,848 --> 00:04:45,450
♪ Can't you feel
a brand-new day?
94
00:04:45,518 --> 00:04:49,520
♪ Can't you feel
a brand-new day?
95
00:04:49,590 --> 00:04:53,558
♪ Can't you feel
a brand-new day? ♪
96
00:04:55,762 --> 00:04:58,029
Hey, Joe, where you been?
We haven't seen you in days.
97
00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:01,366
Ever since
Mayor West deployed
the police to Cartagena,
98
00:05:01,435 --> 00:05:03,068
I've been working nonstop.
99
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,014
The only reason
I didn't have to go myself
100
00:05:05,038 --> 00:05:07,872
is that South America
isn't wheelchair accessible.
101
00:05:07,941 --> 00:05:11,409
Hey, you guys,
we should help Joe out.
We could be cops, right, Joe?
102
00:05:11,478 --> 00:05:14,579
Well, we have started
an emergency training program
103
00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:16,147
at the police academy,
104
00:05:16,216 --> 00:05:18,983
but I'm not sure that you're
cut out for the job.
105
00:05:19,052 --> 00:05:20,919
Come on, we'll be great cops.
106
00:05:20,988 --> 00:05:23,749
Besides, it's bound
to go better
than my deep-sea training.
107
00:05:23,790 --> 00:05:26,657
Well, we've got a long time
in this decompression chamber.
108
00:05:26,726 --> 00:05:28,538
You guys mind
if I turn on the radio?
109
00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,628
Peter, don't!
110
00:05:30,697 --> 00:05:33,197
Nice going, jackass.
Look what you did.
111
00:05:33,266 --> 00:05:34,844
Hey. Hey, excuse
the hell out of me
112
00:05:34,868 --> 00:05:37,080
for trying
to brighten your day
with music, all right?
113
00:05:37,104 --> 00:05:39,771
You idiot, use your brain.
You're an idiot.
114
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:46,244
Stop, stop, stop.
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
115
00:05:46,313 --> 00:05:48,513
Oh, man, we're going to need
some butter or something.
116
00:05:51,885 --> 00:05:55,187
Oh, Brian,
it is so nice of you
to take Meg to this dance.
117
00:05:55,255 --> 00:05:56,955
It really means a lot to her.
118
00:05:57,024 --> 00:05:59,402
You got any weed?
I put it in your coat pocket.
119
00:05:59,426 --> 00:06:00,925
Here she is.
120
00:06:00,994 --> 00:06:03,672
Brian, I present to you
your polished turd
for the evening.
121
00:06:03,696 --> 00:06:08,699
How do I look, Brian?
Uh, you sure do, Meg.
122
00:06:08,768 --> 00:06:13,004
FYI, the carpet
matches the drapes
in color and quantity.
123
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:14,993
Ever seen a blacksmith's apron?
124
00:06:17,978 --> 00:06:21,779
Well, Brian, here we go.
Oh, this is going to be
so much fun.
125
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:30,121
God, this is going to be
a long night.
126
00:06:30,190 --> 00:06:33,158
Oh, Brian, let's dance.
This song kicks ass.
127
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,894
♪ Hold on to the night
128
00:06:39,933 --> 00:06:43,535
♪ Hold on to the... ♪
129
00:06:43,603 --> 00:06:46,805
Man, I gotta tell you,
I can see
why you'd be insecure, Meg.
130
00:06:46,873 --> 00:06:50,041
Some of these chicks
are unbelievable.
131
00:06:50,109 --> 00:06:51,954
Brian, can I ask you something?
132
00:06:51,978 --> 00:06:54,457
Are you drinking so much
because you don't
want to be here?
133
00:06:54,481 --> 00:06:59,383
No, no, Meg. It's... That's...
My God, look at these chicks.
134
00:06:59,452 --> 00:07:01,853
You know the best thing
about these girls is,
135
00:07:01,922 --> 00:07:04,789
even if you're terrible,
they don't know
the difference.
136
00:07:04,858 --> 00:07:07,292
You know, Meg,
there's no dogs allowed here,
137
00:07:07,361 --> 00:07:10,073
so you're going to
have to leave.
But Brian can stay.
138
00:07:11,698 --> 00:07:14,732
You know, Connie,
I think I have a theory
about why you're such a bitch.
139
00:07:14,801 --> 00:07:16,545
Excuse me?
Brian, let's just go.
140
00:07:16,569 --> 00:07:19,182
No, no, no, no, no.
Now, hang on.
Hang on, Meg, hang on.
141
00:07:19,206 --> 00:07:22,251
You see, Connie,
you're popular because
you developed early
142
00:07:22,275 --> 00:07:24,443
and started giving hand jobs
when you were 12.
143
00:07:24,511 --> 00:07:26,790
But now you can't stand
to look at yourself
in the mirror
144
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,190
because all you see is a whore.
145
00:07:28,214 --> 00:07:30,849
So, you pick on Meg to avoid
the inevitable realization
146
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:33,518
that once your body's
used up by age 19,
147
00:07:33,587 --> 00:07:36,187
you're gonna be a worn-out,
chalky-skinned burlap sack
148
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:39,269
that even your stepdad
won't want. How's that?
Am I in the ballpark?
149
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:45,363
Brian, that was amazing.
No one's ever stood up
for me like that.
150
00:07:45,432 --> 00:07:47,766
Hey, no problem.
She's a... She's a skank.
151
00:07:47,834 --> 00:07:49,445
You know, you don't...
You don't deserve...
152
00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:53,004
You don't deserve
all the crap you get, Meg,
you know that?
153
00:07:53,073 --> 00:07:54,372
Thanks, Brian.
154
00:07:55,341 --> 00:08:00,578
♪ Tell me why ♪
155
00:08:05,352 --> 00:08:08,553
Sorry, that was the booze,
not you.
156
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,954
You gonna eat that?
157
00:08:15,062 --> 00:08:19,296
Yes, the day can begin.
Good morning, Brian.
158
00:08:19,365 --> 00:08:22,767
Now, we can do this
one of two ways. I can bust
your balls to pieces right now
159
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,914
or we can spread it out
over the course of the day.
160
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:26,649
I don't wanna talk about it.
Well, I do.
161
00:08:26,673 --> 00:08:28,651
So, tell me everything
that happened at the dance.
162
00:08:28,675 --> 00:08:31,142
Morning, cutie.
Yeah, hey.
163
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,377
I had so much fun
last night, Brian.
164
00:08:33,446 --> 00:08:35,880
Hey, I thought maybe we can go
get some coffee later.
165
00:08:35,948 --> 00:08:37,181
I don't think so.
166
00:08:37,250 --> 00:08:40,919
Oh, come on. Who's a good boy?
Who's a good boy? Huh?
167
00:08:40,987 --> 00:08:42,954
Who's a good boy?
Me.
168
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:46,758
Oh, yes, yes,
who's a good boy?
I am, I'm a good boy.
169
00:08:46,826 --> 00:08:50,227
But, no, no. Look,
I got stuff to do today.
All right? Sorry.
170
00:08:50,296 --> 00:08:53,164
Well, we should
hook up anyway.
I'll bug you later.
171
00:08:56,169 --> 00:08:58,736
Well, she seems to have
taken a shine to you, Brian.
172
00:08:58,805 --> 00:09:00,204
With a little encouragement,
173
00:09:00,273 --> 00:09:02,351
you might get her
to put her cankles
behind her ears.
174
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:03,452
Stewie, shut up.
175
00:09:04,544 --> 00:09:06,510
Who the hell is texting me
at 8:00 a.m.?
176
00:09:08,815 --> 00:09:12,750
Wait a minute,
something did happen
last night.
177
00:09:12,819 --> 00:09:15,198
Look, it's not
that big a deal, all right?
We just...
178
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:17,522
We just made out a little.
179
00:09:19,126 --> 00:09:21,726
Tell me about it. Go!
It didn't mean anything.
180
00:09:21,795 --> 00:09:25,274
I had a few too many
and... It's not even
worth going into.
181
00:09:25,298 --> 00:09:27,231
Oh, this is
an even bigger jackpot
182
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:30,902
than when the Emperor
figured out the formula
for great Star Wars dialogue.
183
00:09:30,970 --> 00:09:36,641
Something, something,
something, dark side.
184
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:40,645
Something, something,
something, complete.
185
00:09:57,430 --> 00:10:01,533
Well, this is it.
Our first day
of Police Academy 4.
186
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:03,668
Welcome to the police academy.
187
00:10:03,737 --> 00:10:06,671
We're gonna start
by learning
how to do a cavity search.
188
00:10:06,740 --> 00:10:08,751
Peter, you will be
the police officer
189
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,975
and Quagmire,
you will be the suspect.
190
00:10:11,043 --> 00:10:12,087
Begin.
191
00:10:12,111 --> 00:10:14,511
Sir, I suspect you are
in possession of drugs
192
00:10:14,547 --> 00:10:16,781
and I'm gonna have to
give you a full cavity search.
193
00:10:16,849 --> 00:10:18,450
Drop your pants.
194
00:10:20,253 --> 00:10:22,854
Peter,
you don't have to
pull your pants down.
195
00:10:22,923 --> 00:10:26,724
- Sorry. I'm still learning.
- All right, start the search.
196
00:10:36,536 --> 00:10:40,204
I think that's everything.
You want me
to double check?
197
00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:44,175
I appreciate you guysvolunteering for thisnext phase of training,
198
00:10:44,244 --> 00:10:47,145
which will addresshow to dealwith a crazed drug user.
199
00:10:47,213 --> 00:10:49,258
Hey, Joe, what are we
supposed to do in here?
200
00:10:49,282 --> 00:10:51,060
You see that coffee
you're drinking?
201
00:10:51,084 --> 00:10:52,816
I have, without your knowledge,
202
00:10:52,885 --> 00:10:56,320
added a large amount of PCPto one of thosecups of coffee.
203
00:10:56,389 --> 00:10:58,822
I won't say which one,
but in a few moments,
204
00:10:58,891 --> 00:11:02,927
one of you willcompletely lose yourfreaking mind. Good luck.
205
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:04,895
Uh-oh.
This is not good.
206
00:11:04,964 --> 00:11:07,743
We're in trouble.
All right, let's all try
and relax here, right?
207
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:09,668
I don't feel so good.
208
00:11:09,736 --> 00:11:13,271
God, it's Cleveland,
it's him, it's him!
Shut up, maybe it's you.
209
00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:15,907
How the hell did all this skin
get on my arm?
210
00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:22,013
Quagmire, put your skin
back on. One of us
is about to freak out.
211
00:11:26,119 --> 00:11:28,720
Hi, honey.
What?
212
00:11:28,788 --> 00:11:30,755
I was thinking
about our kiss last night.
213
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:33,992
I never knew how flat
and wide your tongue was.
214
00:11:34,060 --> 00:11:35,660
Yeah.
215
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:37,640
You know, I've thought about
how you stood up for me
at the dance
216
00:11:37,664 --> 00:11:39,330
and all the nice things
you said.
217
00:11:39,398 --> 00:11:42,266
We should totally be
boyfriend and girlfriend.
218
00:11:42,335 --> 00:11:44,235
Well, Meg...
219
00:11:44,303 --> 00:11:48,139
You know what's strange?
I think I might be gay.
220
00:11:48,207 --> 00:11:52,476
I saw this penis
on the internet today
and I thought to myself,
221
00:11:52,545 --> 00:11:55,113
"Well, that's...
That's just fine."
222
00:11:55,181 --> 00:11:56,814
I'm going to the mall later.
223
00:11:56,883 --> 00:12:00,584
Maybe you can come
and help me pick out
some underwear.
224
00:12:00,654 --> 00:12:05,189
I don't think
that's gonna be a possibility.
I have plans...
225
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,926
With Chris. Chris and I
have plans this afternoon.
226
00:12:07,994 --> 00:12:10,234
We do?
Yeah, we're doing that thing.
227
00:12:10,263 --> 00:12:14,132
We're doing
what you usually do
on a Thursday afternoon.
228
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:15,544
Masturbate?
Masturbate.
229
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,268
We're gonna masturbate together.
230
00:12:17,336 --> 00:12:22,073
Well, maybe back to back,
but I gotta tell you,
I'm not 100% on this.
231
00:12:22,142 --> 00:12:24,575
Oh, there's the cute
prom couple.
232
00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:27,812
Hi, Mom. Is it cool
if Brian and I go to the mall
this afternoon?
233
00:12:27,881 --> 00:12:31,449
Actually, I thought
I was pretty clear...
Of course, it's okay.
234
00:12:31,517 --> 00:12:34,837
Ever since that dance,
you two have become
such good friends.
235
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,487
Who would have thought?
236
00:12:36,556 --> 00:12:39,324
We're more than friends, Mom.
Last night,
at the dance, Brian...
237
00:12:39,392 --> 00:12:42,193
Last night,
we decided to be best friends.
Right, Meg?
238
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:44,395
Come on, let's go to the mall.
We'll get you a...
239
00:12:44,464 --> 00:12:48,666
Get you a big old pretzel.
I want a pretzel, too.
240
00:12:48,734 --> 00:12:52,003
Brian, I'm ready.
You in or out?
241
00:13:00,213 --> 00:13:04,182
Everyone, this is Brian.
Oh, this is Brian.
242
00:13:04,250 --> 00:13:05,683
He does look like Ben Affleck.
243
00:13:05,751 --> 00:13:07,462
He looks just like Ben Affleck.
244
00:13:07,486 --> 00:13:09,131
Is that Ben Affleck?
Hey.
245
00:13:09,155 --> 00:13:13,057
So, how did you guys meet?
I'm a friend of her dad's.
246
00:13:13,126 --> 00:13:14,825
Ooh, he's older.
247
00:13:14,894 --> 00:13:16,805
He's cute.
Do you have a brother?
248
00:13:16,829 --> 00:13:19,697
Make-up and stickers
and ponies and myspace.com.
249
00:13:19,765 --> 00:13:22,800
Brian's the first serious
boyfriend I've ever had.
250
00:13:22,869 --> 00:13:24,909
Meg, can I talk to you
for a second?
251
00:13:26,606 --> 00:13:30,041
Look, this has gone
a little too far. I like you,
I think you're great.
252
00:13:30,110 --> 00:13:34,678
But what happened
at the dance was... I mean,
that kiss was just a mistake.
253
00:13:34,748 --> 00:13:36,347
Oh, no,
did I do something wrong?
254
00:13:36,415 --> 00:13:38,227
Was it because I didn't
sniff your butt first?
255
00:13:38,251 --> 00:13:41,530
What? No. I mean, yes.
That's how I would know
you were interested.
256
00:13:41,554 --> 00:13:43,866
But, Meg, the fact is
you and I are friends
257
00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:46,457
and that's the way
it needs to stay.
258
00:13:46,525 --> 00:13:49,293
Besides, I have a girlfriend,
I'm dating Jillian.
259
00:13:49,362 --> 00:13:52,130
All right, Brian.
I understand.
260
00:13:52,198 --> 00:13:55,699
Good. I'm gonna grab Stewie
and then we can go.
261
00:13:55,769 --> 00:13:59,170
What's that Brian?
Oh, you were just kidding?
262
00:13:59,239 --> 00:14:03,674
I knew you were.
I love you, too, Brian,
and you love me.
263
00:14:03,743 --> 00:14:06,543
You do love me, Brian.
264
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,052
Hey, Brian.
Oh, Meg. Hey.
265
00:14:15,121 --> 00:14:18,233
Hey, listen, I hope
you're feeling all right about
our little talk the other day.
266
00:14:18,257 --> 00:14:20,291
You know, about us being
just friends and all.
267
00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:23,060
Oh, yeah.
No, I'm fine, I'm fine.
268
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:27,097
And, hey, look I...
I wanted to thank you
for being so great to me.
269
00:14:27,166 --> 00:14:31,669
So, I baked you a pie.
Oh, wow. Hey,
that looks delicious.
270
00:14:31,738 --> 00:14:33,905
Mmm. Wow, this is good.
What's in there?
271
00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:38,609
Well, there some apples
and some cinnamon
and my hair.
272
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,479
What?
My hair's in the pie, Brian.
273
00:14:41,548 --> 00:14:46,684
And now it's inside of you.
Part of me
is inside of you, Brian.
274
00:14:47,387 --> 00:14:49,453
Do you feel me, Brian?
275
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:52,290
Do you feel me inside of you?
276
00:14:55,227 --> 00:14:57,728
Ooh, you got some pie, huh?
Can I have a piece?
277
00:14:57,797 --> 00:15:00,731
Uh, sure.
Ooh, let me have
some of that Cool Whip.
278
00:15:00,799 --> 00:15:03,579
What'd you say?
You can't have a pie
without Cool Whip.
279
00:15:03,603 --> 00:15:05,403
Cool Whip?
Cool Whip, yeah.
280
00:15:05,438 --> 00:15:07,505
You mean, Cool Whip.
Yeah, Cool Whip.
281
00:15:07,574 --> 00:15:08,884
Cool Whip.
Cool Whip.
282
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,641
Cool Whip.
Cool Whip.
283
00:15:10,710 --> 00:15:12,854
You're saying it weird.
Why are you putting
so much emphasis on the "H"?
284
00:15:12,878 --> 00:15:14,590
What are you talking about?
I'm just saying it, Cool Whip.
285
00:15:14,614 --> 00:15:17,114
You put Cool Whip on pie.
Pie tastes better
with Cool Whip.
286
00:15:17,183 --> 00:15:18,460
Say "whip".
Whip.
287
00:15:18,484 --> 00:15:20,162
Now say "Cool Whip".
Cool Whip.
288
00:15:20,186 --> 00:15:21,664
Cool Whip.
Cool Whip.
289
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:22,864
Cool Whip.
Cool Whip.
290
00:15:22,888 --> 00:15:24,355
You're eating hair!
291
00:15:26,492 --> 00:15:29,726
Well, Lois,
I am now a graduate
of the Quahog Police Academy
292
00:15:29,795 --> 00:15:32,530
and an official on-duty cop.
293
00:15:32,598 --> 00:15:36,801
Oh, I can't believe
I'm married to a big,
scary police officer.
294
00:15:36,870 --> 00:15:39,537
Just keep your eyes
on the eggs, ma'am.
295
00:15:40,407 --> 00:15:43,408
Yes, Officer.
296
00:15:43,476 --> 00:15:47,245
You are such a dirty cop.
Don't break
those yolks, ma'am.
297
00:15:47,313 --> 00:15:48,579
Oh, my God, Lois, I hit you.
298
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:51,749
I know. Now stick your finger
in there and twist it.
299
00:15:55,354 --> 00:16:00,090
Hey, Lois. Can I talk to you
for a second? I think we may
have a problem with Meg.
300
00:16:00,159 --> 00:16:02,960
You're telling me?
She's been locked
in her room all day.
301
00:16:03,029 --> 00:16:05,763
Who knows
what she's doing up there?
302
00:16:15,341 --> 00:16:19,843
Yeah, well, the thing is,
Meg is becoming
a little enamored with me
303
00:16:19,912 --> 00:16:22,813
and I'm kind of losing control
of the situation.
304
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:25,616
Oh, she's just grateful
you took her to the dance.
305
00:16:25,685 --> 00:16:28,986
Well, I think
it's more than that.
306
00:16:29,055 --> 00:16:31,689
So here's the thing,
and don't get mad,
307
00:16:31,757 --> 00:16:33,435
and that part
I can't stress enough...
308
00:16:33,459 --> 00:16:35,626
That's a great shirt,
by the way.
309
00:16:35,695 --> 00:16:38,762
I may have made out with Meg.
310
00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:42,133
Okay, I had that coming.
311
00:16:42,202 --> 00:16:45,102
What the hell
is wrong with you?
You sick bastard.
312
00:16:45,171 --> 00:16:47,671
Look, I was drinking...
Oh, what a shock.
313
00:16:47,740 --> 00:16:49,473
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
314
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:52,877
Look, the short version
is this morning she made me
eat her hair pie...
315
00:16:52,945 --> 00:16:55,445
No, it's not what you think.
Stewie had some, too.
316
00:16:55,514 --> 00:16:57,115
Stop punching me.
317
00:16:57,183 --> 00:16:59,783
Look, Brian, I don't know
what the hell happened
between you two
318
00:16:59,819 --> 00:17:04,088
but you better go upstairs
and straighten it out
right now.
319
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:07,591
This is even worse than
when you ate that bubble-gum
out of the garbage.
320
00:17:07,660 --> 00:17:10,439
Brian, did you get
into the garbage
last night?
321
00:17:10,463 --> 00:17:13,731
Uh, no. Why?
Don't lie to me, Brian.
322
00:17:13,800 --> 00:17:15,032
I'm not lying.
323
00:17:19,872 --> 00:17:21,839
Meg, you got a minute?
324
00:17:25,644 --> 00:17:27,411
What the hell?
325
00:17:27,480 --> 00:17:30,047
I made that for you, Brian.
Meg!
326
00:17:30,116 --> 00:17:33,551
Look, you obviously
didn't hear me yesterday.
So I'll explain it again.
327
00:17:33,619 --> 00:17:34,729
And here to assist me is
328
00:17:34,753 --> 00:17:36,298
Headmaster of
the New York School
329
00:17:36,322 --> 00:17:38,500
for the Hard of Hearing,
Mr. Garrett Morris.
330
00:17:38,524 --> 00:17:40,791
Meg, we're not
boyfriend and girlfriend.
331
00:17:40,859 --> 00:17:44,361
We're not boyfriend
and girlfriend!
332
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,241
I will never be
attracted to you.
333
00:17:46,265 --> 00:17:50,367
I will never be
attracted to you!
334
00:17:50,436 --> 00:17:52,448
You're acting
like a psycho bitch.
335
00:17:52,472 --> 00:17:56,140
You're acting
like a psycho bitch!
336
00:17:56,209 --> 00:17:58,454
Goodnight and have
a pleasant tomorrow.
337
00:17:58,478 --> 00:18:02,279
Goodnight and have
a pleasant tomorrow!
338
00:18:04,717 --> 00:18:07,718
I won't be ignored, Brian.
339
00:18:07,787 --> 00:18:09,720
I like your ass.
340
00:18:23,502 --> 00:18:25,169
Joe, I gotta tell you.
341
00:18:25,237 --> 00:18:27,048
This whole cop thing
ain't as exciting
as I thought it was gonna be.
342
00:18:27,072 --> 00:18:29,018
When do we get to shoot
some bad guys?
343
00:18:29,042 --> 00:18:30,941
Guys, it's not all about action.
344
00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:33,377
It's about staying vigilant
until you're needed.
345
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:36,114
What are you doing?
I'm watching Bonnie undress.
346
00:18:36,182 --> 00:18:38,316
Bonnie's your wife.
I know.
347
00:18:38,384 --> 00:18:41,430
I like to watch her strip
and pretend she's a woman
who I've never met
348
00:18:41,454 --> 00:18:44,555
but who looks just like Bonnie
and lives in my house.
349
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:46,657
Get naked, you strange whore!
350
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:49,960
Peter, I haven't seen Meg
or Brian since last night.
351
00:18:50,029 --> 00:18:51,774
I think something
may have happened.
352
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:55,933
Mom, is it bad if I saw Meg
tie up Brian last night,
353
00:18:56,002 --> 00:18:58,647
put him in the trunk
of his car
and then drive away?
354
00:18:58,671 --> 00:19:01,239
What? Chris,
why didn't you say anything?
355
00:19:01,307 --> 00:19:03,118
I dropped the ball, I'm sorry.
356
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:07,578
I have just been buried
in paperwork
for the past 72 hours.
357
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:11,582
Oh, my God. Brian was right.
Meg really must be
obsessed with him.
358
00:19:11,651 --> 00:19:12,950
Peter, we gotta find them.
359
00:19:13,019 --> 00:19:14,585
Don't worry, Lois,
we're the police
360
00:19:14,653 --> 00:19:17,555
and we'll do our very best
to find Brian and girl-Chris.
361
00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:23,594
I'm really having
a great time tonight, Brian.
362
00:19:23,662 --> 00:19:25,963
I can't believe
you went to all this trouble.
363
00:19:26,032 --> 00:19:31,068
Well, you know me.
Oh, I do, Brian.
I know you so well.
364
00:19:31,137 --> 00:19:33,971
So, are you ready?
For what?
365
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:38,442
For the fun
we're gonna have, Brian.
We're gonna have fun tonight.
366
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:43,981
Good old-fashioned,
all-American fun.
367
00:19:44,050 --> 00:19:48,385
Listen, Meg, I'm not gonna
lie to you, here.
I'm a little uncomfortable.
368
00:19:48,454 --> 00:19:51,889
Oh, just relax.
We're gonna be here
for a while.
369
00:19:51,958 --> 00:19:53,435
Well, I don't know if...
Wait, what?
370
00:19:53,459 --> 00:19:55,204
We're gonna be here for a while.
371
00:19:55,228 --> 00:19:57,427
A while?
Yeah, a while.
372
00:19:57,496 --> 00:19:59,141
You mean a while?
A while.
373
00:19:59,165 --> 00:20:00,542
A while.
A while.
374
00:20:00,566 --> 00:20:01,910
A while.
A while.
375
00:20:01,934 --> 00:20:03,934
A while.
Brian, you're acting weird.
376
00:20:04,003 --> 00:20:06,603
Oh, come on,
that one doesn't even
have an "H" in it.
377
00:20:06,672 --> 00:20:10,073
Don't move, dirtbag.
Holy crap,
what the hell is this?
378
00:20:10,143 --> 00:20:12,075
Brian, she's a teenager.
379
00:20:12,144 --> 00:20:15,246
Yeah, Brian, you're doing
the same thing that Mia Farrow
did to that Chinaman
380
00:20:15,314 --> 00:20:17,314
that Woody Allen brought home
from the circus.
381
00:20:17,382 --> 00:20:19,961
Peter, hold on
to that thought, because
I'm going to explain to you
382
00:20:19,985 --> 00:20:22,564
when we get home
all the things that are wrong
with that statement.
383
00:20:22,588 --> 00:20:25,222
But, first, Meg,
you need to let Brian go.
384
00:20:25,291 --> 00:20:29,126
But Mom, I love him!
Honey, you're just confused.
385
00:20:29,195 --> 00:20:30,628
I'm not confused.
386
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:33,631
I've never been more certain
about anything in my life.
387
00:20:33,700 --> 00:20:35,199
I need him.
388
00:20:35,267 --> 00:20:37,835
Meg, I know
that's what you think
right now, but you're...
389
00:20:37,903 --> 00:20:40,404
God, I wish I could
make you understand.
390
00:20:40,473 --> 00:20:42,206
You don't know what you need.
391
00:20:42,274 --> 00:20:44,742
I know what she needs.
You do?
392
00:20:44,810 --> 00:20:48,613
You bet. Bring her by my house
around 8:30 tonight,
I'll take care of her.
393
00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:53,717
Hi, Mr. Quagmire. Mom said
I should come over here?
394
00:20:53,786 --> 00:20:57,220
Have a seat, Meg.
Soon, it'll all become clear.
395
00:21:02,161 --> 00:21:05,929
Excuse me, while I get
a little more comfortable.
396
00:21:05,998 --> 00:21:08,766
Meg, I've watched you grow up
from a playful little girl
397
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,934
into a very special young woman.
398
00:21:11,003 --> 00:21:14,572
Now, you probably just think
of me as "square old
Mr. Quagmire from next door,"
399
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:17,708
but, I've been
around the block a few times,
learned a couple things.
400
00:21:17,777 --> 00:21:21,312
And I can tell you this,
there's no reason
to grow up too fast.
401
00:21:21,381 --> 00:21:23,881
Teenage girls are exposed
to so much these days
402
00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:26,350
I can see why a relationship
looks glamorous.
403
00:21:26,419 --> 00:21:28,063
But, you've got
all the time in the world,
404
00:21:28,087 --> 00:21:31,054
and a lot
of wonderful experiences
ahead of you.
405
00:21:31,123 --> 00:21:34,125
Hang on,
I wanna give you something.
406
00:21:34,193 --> 00:21:36,526
This book helped me
when I was about your age.
407
00:21:38,698 --> 00:21:41,109
It let me know
that as long as
I kept on rolling,
408
00:21:41,133 --> 00:21:43,868
I'd find that one person
who would make me whole.
409
00:21:43,936 --> 00:21:47,037
Thanks, Mr. Quagmire.
You don't have to thank me.
410
00:21:47,106 --> 00:21:49,674
Now, get on out of here,
you little scamp.
411
00:21:52,945 --> 00:21:54,945
All right, ladies,
you ready for action?
412
00:21:55,014 --> 00:21:58,015
We sure are, Glenn.
Do you have the whip?
413
00:21:58,084 --> 00:21:59,883
Got it right... Wait, what?
414
00:22:02,554 --> 00:22:04,521
Hello, I'm Tom Tucker.
Coming up at 11:00,
415
00:22:04,590 --> 00:22:07,624
Quahog police
return to active duty
after giving up the search
416
00:22:07,694 --> 00:22:10,828
for fictitious
Romancing the Stone
character, Elaine Wilder.
417
00:22:10,897 --> 00:22:13,798
Plus, in national news,
America's Scoutmasters
are asking,
418
00:22:13,866 --> 00:22:15,966
"Why are the kids
so shy in the shower?"
419
00:22:16,035 --> 00:22:18,969
And, in entertainment,
is Annette Bening
made of leather?
420
00:22:19,038 --> 00:22:21,305
A local tanner
has a surprising revelation.
421
00:22:21,373 --> 00:22:23,018
We'll have all this,
and what else, Ollie?
422
00:22:23,042 --> 00:22:25,342
Sports!
And sports. Join us at 11:00.
35555
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