All language subtitles for Family Guy S05E07 Chick Cancer.DVD.NonHi.cc.en.20FOX

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Coming up,
a New Orleans man says
his socks are finally dry.

But first, the big news
in entertainment this week

is the lovable child actress,
Olivia Fuller.

Oh, my God, Brian,
that's Olivia from the
performing arts school.

What sort of overblown contract

has that dreadful bitch
landed now?

Most of you know Olivia
as the adorable little girl
in the Tasty Juice ads.

Hey, Mom, can I have some soda?

No, but you can have
some Tasty Juice.

It has only one-third
the sugar of soda.

Mmm. Delicious.
Thanks, Mom.

But little Olivia's career
may be over just as it begins

with today's announcement
that Tasty Juice
will be dropping her

as their spokesperson
and replacing her
with a new ad campaign

featuring rock and roll
legend Chuck Berry.

Open your mouth, baby,
here it comes.

But there is a silver lining
for local Quahogians,

as Miss Fuller will be
appearing at the
Quahog Mall this weekend

to mark the grand opening
of the new Brat Wraps
kids clothing store.

Oh, that's perfect.

Brian, we have to go
down there this weekend
and heckle her roundly.

I'll humiliate her worse
than Luke Skywalker
did to that rebel pilot.

The exhaust shaft
is only two meters wide,

so you'll have to use
proton torpedoes.

Well, that's impossible,
even for a computer.

It's not impossible.
I used to bullseye womp rats
in my T-16 back home.

They're not much bigger
than two meters.

Hey, uh, can I talk to you
privately for a second?

Sure.

That was unnecessary.

What's the problem?

Well, you just kind of
called me out

in front of everybody
back there.

I was just making a point.

I know, but you like
just kind of sandbagged me

in front of everyone we know.

Oh, I "sandbagged" you?
In front of all
of our friends.

Yeah, you
sandbagged me.
I "sandbagged" you?

You sandbagged me, yes.

Well, here I am
trying to help you
with something...

You know what,
I don't need
your kind of help,

all right?

Have a great
assault. Jerk.

Lois, I don't understand
why I got to sit through
a chick flick.

Peter, you promised
you'd come with me
to see Autumn's Piano.

Besides, you owe me big
after the way you
embarrassed me

in front of Sandra Oh.

Oh, my God. Sandra Oh.
We loved you in Sideways.

Thank you.

We see you in many movies.

I think about you
while having sex
with my wife.

I thank you with $1.

That's a lot of money to them.

Lois, I'm just warning you,
if this movie turns me gay,

I'm gonna start bringing
gay guys home.

And I don't mean the classy,

"Maybe they are,
maybe they're not" gay guys.

I mean those big,

"Oh, my God, here they come,
floating around, making noise"
gay guys,

not the "fix up
your house" gay guys.

Peter, shh!
It's starting.

You must be Autumn Daniels.

Welcome to Barncliffe
school for girls.

We're your roommates.

I'm Sassy, that's Pouty,
and this is Suicidy.

I got a bad feeling
about Suicidy.

♪ Ain't no mountain
high enough... ♪

Yeah!

You can tell all the girls
care about each other,

'cause they have so much fun
cleaning the dishes.

I have to leave, and
I'm taking my piano with me.

No!

Why? Why?

She chose the piano
over her insulin.

You could've had both!

See? That wasn't
so bad.

Oh, you know, Lois,
this movie has helped me
understand a lot of things.

Like that foreign guy at work
who helped me understand
sarcasm.

Nice day we're having.

Oh, yes!
What?

He say "nice day,"
but he covered with rain.

So?

So, he say this
when your brain know
is not really nice day.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yes. He say the opposite.
Is funny.

Oh, yeah, I get it.

"Nice day."

Now you funny, too.

There she is, Brian.

Oh, boy, I am going
to take her down
right in front of everybody.

All right, Olivia,
get ready to...

Good lord.
What is it?

Brian, she looks...

She looks fantastic.

And now TV's
Olivia Fuller will cut
the ceremonial ribbon.

I hope I'm allowed to do this.

My mommy says,
"Don't run with scissors."

She's so cute.
I love children.

Look at my kids.

So everyone feel free
to browse and purchase
from our fine selection.

Hey, Mom,
now would be a good time
to raise my allowance.

Oh, this one's
kind of nice.
What... Olivia!

Hey!

Stewie? Oh, my God.

Wow, this is...
It's been a while.

Yeah, I know, it has.

So, you back in town?

Yeah, we're moving back
into the old house.

Oh, that's...
God, you look great.
I mean, you're all in shape.

My God, California's
been good to you.

I mean, I guess you
should be looking good,

'cause everybody's
a health nut
out there, right?

Yeah.

Well, anyway, it was nice
seeing you again, so...

You, too. Hey, listen,
maybe you want to
come over on Friday?

It's my Bernie Mac night.

It's a fun show,
if you haven't seen it.

I can't understand
what the devil
he's saying,

but, you know,
there's a lot
of movement,

and it's bright
and colorful. It keeps
my attention.

Look, Stewie, you're sweet,
but since I moved
to Hollywood,

I've done a lot of growing up.

I'm dating
more sophisticated men now.

But it was good to see you.

What happened?
She shot me down, Brian.

What do you care?

You came here to gloat
about her contract
cancellation anyway.

Yes, but that was before
I got a look at her face.

I mean,
she's a woman
now, Brian.

So sophisticated, so grown up,

and she says she wants
a grown-up man.

But, apparently, that's not me.

You think so?

Who could forget that one?

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And, of course,
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But don't take my word for it.

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There we go.

You are ready for your date.

Yeah!

That's a bed head.

Yeah. Hey, look at you.
You just got out of bed.

You're the underachiever
every woman
wants to sleep with.

Hey, big date tonight?

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry
about Olivia rejecting you.

Oh, I haven't
given up yet, Brian.

She says she wants
a more mature,
grown-up man,

so all I've got to do
is be more grown-up.

What are you doing?
Just cleaning out
your brush, man.

Hi, Jillian.
Hi, Brian, ready to go?

Hey, baby.

Hi, Stewie.

What the hell are you doing?

Not much, really.
Just me and my pubes
hanging out.

Oh, dear God.

Boy, I am so beat from
doing adult stuff all day.

So am I.

I just kind of feel
like kicking it tonight.

Oh, look at that.
I'm growing all the time.

Hey, Jillian, can you
give me a minute?

You ever just let your
balls hang out, B-ri?

You ever do that, B-roney?

Drove my Chevy to the levee,
but the levee was Bri?

Give me my hair back.

Ow! What the hell, man?

Stewie, this is not going to
convince Olivia that you're
grown-up enough for her.

Oh, yeah? What do you
know about women?

You want to know
how to get women?

There's only one place in town
you need to observe.

Just watch.

I am not doing that, Glenn.

Come on, beautiful,
keep an open mind.

You're a sick man.
Hey, keep it down.

I don't want
my neighbors seeing
a fat, old, dirty whore

screaming at me
on my front lawn.

"Whore"?

Well, maybe I should
come inside.

Well, maybe you should.

What the deuce?

Why the hell would
she respond positively
to such a negative comment?

Unless...

Brian, do women like it
when you treat them
like crap?

Well, I don't know
if you want to be
that black and white about it.

That's it, isn't it?

Women respond when you
treat them like crap.

Well, Olivia, prepare to meet
a much darker Stewie Griffin.

Hey, babe. What do you say?
We going out Saturday night?

Stewie, what are you doing here?

I told you, I'm just into
a different type of guy.

Oh, yeah? I'll tell you
what you're into.
Being ugly.

Stewie, you're being mean.

No. If I was
being mean,

when you opened the door
I would have said,

"Oh, hey, Ray Liotta,
is Olivia home?
Oh, wait, you're Olivia."

You see, I thought
you were Ray Liotta

because your skin
has the texture

of a decorative autumn squash.

So, I'll pick you up
at 7:00?

That sounds wonderful.

She said yes.

My God, I'm cooler
than that cheetah
from the commercials.

Oh, God,
there is no fucking drummer
better than Neil Peart!

It ain't easy being cheesy.

Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow
is equaled only by your
sense of love.

Peter, have you
been up all night
watching chick movies?

Lois, before I found
these movies,

women only made me cry
through my penis.

Now they make me cry
through my eyes.

I've decided.
I'm making my own chick flick.

What? You don't know anything
about making movies.

Are you kidding?
I got lots of experience
in the film industry.

I was the original Pretty Woman.

You look beautiful,
but there's something missing.

This is a beautiful
spot, Stewie.

I know. I love coming here
because you can just sit here

and people-watch, you know?

Oh, oh, look at this.
Look at this guy.

Look at this.
What is that?
What is he doing?

Just standing there,
smelling his hand?

"What is that?

"What is that on my hand?
Is that barbecue sauce?

"When was I near
barbecue sauce?"

Oh, look, look!
Jewish cowboy!
Jewish cowboy!

Yeah. Not gonna be
so tough when the sun
goes down, are you?

Better go rassle up
some Chinese food,
Hopalong Nussbaum.

You know, Stewie,
I'm really glad
I gave you another chance.

You're a really special guy.

I know.

No, no, I'm kidding.
I'm not really
that self-centered.

But, you know, Olivia,
I can't think of any place
I'd rather be

than right here,
right now with you.

Oh, look at this guy.
Now, there's someone
who cuts his own hair.

Yeah, no kidding.
Oh, my God.

Oh, check out this
uptight Asian guy.
Look at that.

"I work really hard,
'cause I'm no fun."

Boy, this is a great city.

I don't care what anybody says.

I know.
Look at that sunset
against the skyline.

I know.
Wow, look at that.

A perfect end to a perfect day.

Yeah.

Well, we should
probably get home.

This area gets really
dangerous at night.

Okay, everyone, welcome to
the first day of shooting
for Steel Vaginas.

Peter, this movie doesn't
seem to make any sense.

It makes perfect sense, Lois.

This the scene
where our heroine,
Vageena Hertz,

is told by
Dr. McNugget here

that she has
incurable chick cancer.

All right, Joe,
let's lose the wheelchair
and shoot this thing.

Peter, I can't
lose the wheelchair.
I need it to move.

Okay, yeah,
but your character
can walk.

Peter, I'm handicapped.
I can't walk.

Okay, Chris, roll film.

And action!

Joe, get out of the damn chair.

Chris, get the cattle prod.

Okay, now give him
some peanut butter

so we can make it look
like he's talking.

God, I hate these things.

Sweetie, can't you just
have a good time?

I don't know anybody.

These are all your friends.

Just relax.
Have some cake
or something.

Hey, hey, who do we have here?

Oh, my God!
Victor?

Hey, kiddo, how are you?

Great! Great!

Wow! Stewie,
this is Victor.

We did a Flintstones Vitamins
commercial together.

"Ten million strong
and growing!"

Oh, yeah, good to
meet you. How are you?

Victor's such a good actor.
He played a dead baby
on CSI: Miami.

Yeah, I'm more into writing now.

Oh, hang on a sec.
Idea for a short story.

Guy picks his nose,
then eats it.

Yeah, good luck with that.

Hey, Olivia,
why don't you and I
go get some punch?

Oh, actually, would you mind
getting some for Victor and me
while we catch up?

Or, a third option.
Why doesn't Victor go get
some punch for you and me?

Or maybe you and I could
go away from Victor

and go get the punch?

Or none of us could have punch.

But still Victor could go away.

Victor, would you
excuse us for a second?

Uh... Sure.

Idea for a novel, guy loses
his favorite blankie,

goes looking for it
and finds it in the kitchen.

I amaze myself.
It's genius.

It's unbelievable.
I don't know where
I get it from.

What the hell
is wrong with you?
You're acting like a jerk.

Oh, I'm acting like a jerk?
What about Phony Curtis
over there?

He happens to be
a very intelligent,
successful actor.

And, you know,
he's done three national
diaper commercials.

Yeah, they should put
a diaper on his face.

That's where the crap
is coming out.

You don't own me.
I can talk to whoever I want.

I don't see a ring on my finger.

I, Stewie, take you, Olivia,

to be my lawfully wedded wife.

What's that, Rupert?
Oh, kiss the bride. Yes.

Whoo!

Hi, honey, I'm home!

Hi, sweetie, how was your day?

Well, I was an astronaut
for a while,

then I was a cowboy,
and then all afternoon
I was a fireman,

so it's been a long one.

What's for dinner?
Play-Doh spaghetti.

Oh!
What?

No. No, it's nothing.

Just had Play-Doh spaghetti
last night.

And that's all we had
last night.

What does that mean?
Oh, I don't know, Olivia.

Maybe that we are
in a sexless marriage.
We have yet to have sex.

Do you even know what sex is?

That's not the point!
Don't change the...
It's a kind of cake?

Look, can we just drop this
and have a normal
pretend dinner?

Fine, fine!

Some days
I think it was easier
being Q-Bert's roommate.

God, it's all night
with this guy.

Hey, if you're gonna leave
all those lights on,

I'm not gonna split
the electric bill.

Sorry we're late, everyone,

but JonBenet here
took forever
with her makeup.

Yes, and we probably
would've shaved a few
minutes off our trip,

but Mr. Cheapo here
refused to let the valet
touch his Big Wheel,

so we had to drive around
the block six times
till we could find a spot.

But to his credit,
it's a great spot
to get mugged.

Oh, wouldn't that be a shame
if they took all my money
out of both our wallets?

Well, it's just good
to have you guys here.

Can I get you folks
something to drink?

Yes, I'll just have flat water.

Do you have HI-C Tropical Punch?

And it begins!

What? I can't have
a drink with dinner?

Oh, so dinner started
at 2:00 this afternoon,
did it?

Yes, about the same time
you decided to hole up
in the bathroom

for three hours
waxing your eyebrows.

You swore you would never...

I have a prominent brow,
and I do what I can
to get by.

Well, hey, what's important
is that you're here now.

Let's just enjoy dinner.

Yeah, can't we just
have a good time?

Ask Olivia.
Olivia, the three of us
are having a great time.

What's your problem?

My problem is you.
You're acting like a baby!

And we come to the center
of the shrubbery maze.

That's what it all
comes down to, isn't it?

I'm not grown up enough for you.

Well, you are a baby,
aren't you?

Stay out of it.
Stay out of it.

Well, if you think I'm a baby,

then perhaps
I should act
like a baby.

Hey, could you
keep that kid quiet?

Oh, what's that?

What's that, sir?
What's that?

I'm sorry, am I being
too loud for you?

You wanna come over here
and quiet me down?

Let's not do this.
Oh, God.

Stewie, come on.
I'm scared.

No, it's okay. It's okay.
Sir? You feel strong?

You wanna come over here?

No,
I want to stay here
and have my steak.

Oh, yeah?
Yeah.

What is that,
the porterhouse?
Yeah.

How is it?
What do you care?

If we weren't fighting,
would you recommend it?

Yeah, I would.

Well, I know what I'm getting.

Hello, everyone. Well,
here we are, opening night.

You know, somebody
once told me that
making movies was easy.

Yeah. Yeah,
you know what else
is easy?

Open heart surgery.

Yes!

Yeah, thanks for coming, Fouad.

Oh! Is funny because
open heart surgery
not easy at all.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Calm down, Fouad.

So, without further dudes,
let's watch this thing.

At first,
I didn't believe
in women and unicorns,

but that was before
I knew about the power
of chick stuff,

and before I knew Vageena Hertz.

Sorry.

When Vageena was first born,

I had a small heart
and a lot to learn.

Push, honey! Hurry up
and give me my baby boy!

Cleveland, more SpaghettiOs.

Oh, good, a baby.

Oh, no, it's a girl.

And I hate girls.

But one day, Vageena
went swimming too soon
after eating a sandwich,

and this happened.

Help! Help!

I'm drowning!

Help!

We gotta get this woman
to surgery time.
Right stat now!

But it was too late,

and she died
from a rotten vagina.

Fin.

Wow, that was
the worst piece of crap
I've ever seen.

Oh, my God,
that was an abomination.

That was awful.
Awful. Awful, awful.

My ass is actually sore.

My ass is actually sore.

Hey, where's Olivia?

Oh, she's probably
up at the house.

Stewie?
Yeah?

It's not your fault.

What?
It's not your fault.

I know.

It's not your fault.

I know.

No, Stewie, Stewie.

It's not your fault.

Don't do this to me, man.
Not you, man.

It's not your fault.
Screw you!
Cut it out, man!

It's not your fault.

Why is it so hard?

I didn't know
it was gonna be so hard.

Look, Stewie, you stood up
before God and all your toys

and you took an oath
to stick it out
when things got tough.

You want her to see you
as an adult?

Well, this is adulthood.

You're right, Brian.
I can't hide
from this relationship.

It's my responsibility
to deal with it.

I mean, what kind of a man
would I be if I ran off now?

Well, you'd be a black man.

Wow! Wow!

Whoa, what was that?
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. That was
my father talking.

You, uh,

gotta work on that, man.

Bad dog.

Sweetie, listen, I'm sorry, I...

Oh, Stewie!

I thought you were
at Chuck E. Cheese
with your mom.

No. A four-year-old
died in the ball pit.

We had to cancel.

Is that the Silly Putty
I bought you this weekend?

Stewie, this isn't
what it looks like.

Yeah, Stewie,
I just dropped by to...

Ain't nobody talking to you.

Is

That

the Silly Putty

I bought you

this weekend?

You know, I'm really... I'm
sensing something here that...

I should be going.

No, how about you stay here
and I leave and never
come back again?

Stewie, this isn't
how I wanted it
to end.

But you did want it to end.

You've made that
perfectly clear.

Listen, are you
gonna be all right?

Yeah, I'll be fine.

Is that smoke?

Idea for a farce,
cheating wife and pompous ass
burned alive.

So, what happened?

Well, you want to know
what I learned this week?

Being a grown-up sucks.

Women, Brian,
what a royal
pain in the ass!

It's like, why can't you
just hang out with guys?

You know, just live
with someone
of your own sex.

Just do what you would do
with women,

but with your buddy.
You know, why don't guys
just do that?

They do.
It's called being gay.

Oh, that's what gay is?

Oh, yeah, I could
totally get into that.