All language subtitles for Family Guy S05E06 Prick Up Your Ears.DVD.NonHi.cc.en.20FOX

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things
that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

We now return to
Rodney King of Queens.

Rodney, did you
take out the trash?

Um, I forgot.

Oh, no, she didn't.

Pizza for Adam West.

No! You gave me
Canadian bacon
instead of bacon!

This misdeed
cannot go unpunished.

Pizza delivery man,

prepare to meet your maker

at the hands of my cat-launcher.

Hey, look! Somebody tried
to break into
the dirty-movie store.

Quick!
Grab as many as you can
before someone sees us.

Damn, I lost him.
All right cats,
back in the bag.

Come on, Fluffy.
Come on, Mittens.

Come on, Paul.

What a ridiculous
name for a cat.

Paul. That's a person's name!

A person's name.

Oh, Paul.

Oh, man, this is gonna be great.

Oh, are we watching a movie?

The lab results are back.

You've tested
positive for nymphomania.

Oh, no! What should I do?

Take two of these
and call us in the morning.

Well, now that's not
going to help
her nymphomania,

it's only going
to exacerbate it.

Oh, my God,
what are you kids doing?

Out! Everybody out!

- Oh!
- Oh! That's bogus.

Chris, what is this?

Genital Hospital.

Yes, and it's inappropriate
for someone your age.

Now, if you're
curious about sex,

you should talk to
your Sex Ed teacher.

We don't have one.

The principal
cut Sex Ed class
to save money.

What? Well, that's crazy!

Without Sex Ed,
kids can wind up
sexually confused.

Just look at Michael Jackson.

The kid in me
likes the frosted side.

But the grown-up in me
likes the kid in me.

Peter, do you know
they're not teaching
Sex Ed at Chris' school?

Let him figure it
out the way I had to,

with a can of Crisco
and a shot glass.

That's the natural way, Lois.
That's the natural way.

Well, somebody's got to step in.

Tomorrow, I'm going down
to James Woods High

and offer to teach
the class myself.

Hey, you could
really make a difference.

Like I did when I taught
money management to
those drug addicts.

There's a lot of
ways for you guys
to save money.

For example,
you're all shooting up.

Why not share needles?

That's a no-brainer.

More money in your wallet,
more drugs in your veins.

My second piece of advice,

have as many kids as you can,

'cause that makes it more likely

that one of those
kids will grow up

and make it big in Hollywood.

Then who's
paying the bills, huh?

Hollywood kid.

Class dismissed.

Good morning, everyone!

I'm Mrs. Griffin,
your new Sex Ed teacher.

Now, you've probably heard
all those rumors

that condoms make
sex less pleasurable.

While that is a fact,

they also make sex safer.

Sorry I'm late, Lois.

Peter, what are you doing here?

Lois, you think I'm
going to miss a chance
to share my knowledge

with these fresh,
young minds? Forget it.

I've missed too many
other opportunities.

There he is.
Took you long enough.

Just what we need.

Hey, guys, I'm coming in.

Oh, no!
Oh, no!

Oh, God!

Oh, boy!
I am not going to
hear the end of this.

You jackass!
Now you've done it!

Idiot!

I know I don't fit here,
but I'm just
gonna settle right in.

All right, Peter, you can stay,

but remember, this is my class.

Now, there are
a number of natural ways

that males and females interact.

That's right!
Allow me to demonstrate.

Hey, Rainbow Brite.

Hello, Shakespeare.

I am all done
writing plays for the day.

Perhaps we could
have sexual intercourse.

Count me in!

I say, look at this.

This toy has small parts.

Why the devil
would they include
small parts?

Unless, I'm supposed
to eat them.

Of course, it all adds up.

Oh, dear God, I've lost a tooth.

Dude, you're lucky.

If you put that
under your pillow,
the tooth fairy'll come

and give you a dollar.

What?

Did you say
the tooth fairy comes here?

To our house?

She just breaks
in like some hood?

Yeah, she creeps
into your house at night

and comes into your room
while you sleep.

Oh, my God!
And sometimes,
just for the hell of it,

she cuts off
a piece of her armpit hair

and places it
gently on your tongue.

Oh, God! Oh, God!
I got to get out of here!

I got to get out of here!

Stewie, calm down.
Get a hold of yourself.

Here, Brian, let me handle this.

Calm down,
everything's
gonna be all right.

Chris, you're wanted
on the phone.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Hey, Lois, I wanted
to get some K-Y jelly
for the class today,

but they were all out,
so I got Smucker's.

Peter, I don't know what
you think you're doing,

but you've ruined
my Sex Ed class.

There's no way you're coming
with me again.

Fine, but without my advice,

those kids are
gonna be as hopeless
as Liam Neeson

when he tries to play
an American cowboy.

But, Montana,
when will you be back?

That's none of your concern.

You gotta take
care of the offspring.

Gonna take
a fortnight at least
to get this herd down

to St. Louis on Mississippi.

This glen's gonna
be tough to traverse.

And that river's gotta be
50, 60 meters wide,

and God knows how many fathoms.

To hell with
parliamentary procedure.

We've got to
wrangle up some cattles.

What is going on here?

We're all protesting
the Sex Ed class that's
being taught to our children.

Mrs. Griffin,
I'm sorry to have
to tell you this,

but the school
board has voted
to cancel your Sex Ed class.

Look, Principal Shepherd,
I know my husband
acted inappropriately.

Oh, it's not
because of your husband.

It's because you're
teaching those kids
about condoms.

What? That's ridiculous.

These students have
the right to information
about safe sex.

Well, these parents
don't think so.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Griffin,
you're fired.

Fired! Oh, no!

I can't believe they fired you.

Can't you go
down to the school
and try to reason with them?

No, I'm banned
from school property.

The PTA doesn't want me
around their children.

Well, Lois, I think
you did the right thing

by trying to
inform these kids
about safe sex,

and if the parents don't
like it, that's their loss.

That's the problem, though,
it isn't their loss,
it's the kids' loss.

I just hope they're getting
the information they need.

All right, students,
we have
a special speaker today

who's going to
educate you about sex.

Please welcome
from the First
Evangelical Church,

the Reverend Jerry Kirkwood
and the Opal Ring Crusade.

Hey, kids, put your Walkmans
down and listen up,

because we're
gonna talk about sex.

Sex?
Hang on there, Jerry.

God, what are you doing here?

I was just passing
through on my way
to see The Matrix.

We can relate to that.
No fake.

Well, God,
I am here to talk to
these kids about sex.

Uh-oh.

And why they
shouldn't be having it.

That is boss.

Hey, you kids like MADtv?

Well, we've got something
almost as good.

Here they are,
the Opal Ring Players.

Boy, I sure had fun
at the pizza
parlor tonight, Debbie.

Yeah, Matthew,
that pizza pie was delicious.

Hey, watch out, crazy driver.

That joker must have been
from Jefferson High.

They're our rivals.

Well, here we are at
the make out point.

Yeah, you wanna
go all the way?
Freeze!

Now, who can tell me
what Matthew just did wrong?

I mean, besides not running over

that yahoo from Jefferson High.

They're our rivals.

He's wrong because
he wants to have sex,
and he's not married.

Bingo!

Wow, you're pretty smart.

Thanks. My name's Doug.

I'm Meg.

Now, look,
let's rap for a second.

He's sitting informally like us.

Let's hear what he has to say.

Jefferson High is our rival.

Sure, sex is fun,
but you can't have it
before you're married.

Even if you use a condom.

Because not only
do condoms fail
100 percent of the time,

they're also majorly unsafe.

Hey, you wouldn't
put a plastic bag

over your grandmother's
head would you?

No.

And that's why we're gonna be
handing out these opal rings.

These rings are a symbol
of your commitment

to refrain from sex
until you're married.

So, what do you say?
Who wants to be joyful?

Who wants to be pure?

Who wants to be abstinent?

Wow, he makes so much sense.

I know, he's a visionary.

Like Gandhi or
Mozart or Picasso.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my newest work.

Now, I know this person
looks a little mixed-up,

but watch carefully.
If I move this down here,

and this over here.

And this part here.

Anyone tell
who it is yet? No?

Okay, well,
what if I move this here,

and this here.

And it's Dianne Wiest.

All right,
men, your mission tonight

is to stave off
the invading forces
of the tooth fairy.

SpongeBob, you watch the east.

Starscream, you take the west.

And Man-E-Faces,
you take center patrol
since you have many faces.

What... What... Ahhh! Ahhh!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
it's okay. It's morning.

Is it? Ha! I knew it,
I scared her off.

You might wanna
check under your pillow.

How did she get in?

She must have
been quieter than
Britney Spears' dietician.

Easy on those trans-fats.

Not everything needs gravy.

You know,
there're some carrots
down at the other end.

That cheesecake
was for everyone.

Her hand was right
beneath my pillow.

She could have
snapped my neck
if she had a mind to.

Don't worry about it.

I'm sure it will be a while
before you lose
another tooth.

I can't wait for that.

I have to lure
her back on my terms
and kill her myself.

But to catch a fairy,
I have to think like a fairy.

If you want
Brian to say,
"Well that'll be a stretch,"

text message FAMGUY1.

If you want Brian to say,
"I'm not touching that one,"

text FAMGUY2.

If you want Brian
to say, "Arriba,"
and dance around a sombrero,

text FAMGUY3.

Enter now.

Thanks for voting.

Arriba!

We now return to Laguna Beach.

Like, right?
I know.

Whatever, because, d'uh!
I know, right?

Whatever,
because, I mean, like,
totally full-out.

Full-on.
Right?

I guess it's not easy
growing up anywhere.

Hey, Dad!
Check out my abstinence ring.

It means I made
a pledge not to have sex.

That's crazy!
You can't give up sex.

You've got a responsibility.

You see, Meg.
You're what they
call a practice girl.

Dad, look at
the facts about sex.

"If you have sex,
your penis will fall off
and land in another dimension

"populated entirely by dogs
who will eat it."

Well, that's
something I'd like to avoid.

Well, this changes everything.

From now on,
I, too, will be abstinent.

I'll be as
untouched as the turn signal
in an Asian woman's car.

How much signal I need
to cut across eight lane?

None? I turn now.

Good luck, everybody else.

All right, getting a tooth
to lure that damn fairy back

shouldn't be too difficult.

I'd love to dance, Fred Savage.

Mmm.

Set, hut...

Gosh, Meg,
I really wish we could take

our relationship
to the next level.

I know. I feel the same way,

but we made
a decision to be abstinent.

Of course,
there are ways we can
keep our pledge

and still do other things.

You're right.

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

Uh-huh.

Oh, there it is. I see it.

You know,
Roy, I hope you play squash
better than you pass.

Well, we'll find out
this Saturday.

All right, Peter,
you ready for
role-playing night?

Here comes Grimace,
"You got some
burgers I can steal, huh?"

Lois, the Hamburglar
steals burgers,

Grimace is Ronald MacDonald's
retarded friend.

Oh, come on, you love
the dirty-talking Grimace.
You...

Peter, what the hell is this?
My chastity belt.

A chastity belt?
What in God's
name is that for?

I'm abstinent, Lois.

It's all in these pamphlets
Meg brought home from school.

Sex turns straight people gay
and turns gays into Mexicans.

Everyone goes down a notch.

This is nonsense.
You can't force
abstinence on kids.

Lois, what possible harm
can abstinence do?

Meg Griffin,
we need to have a talk.

Mom!

Oh, my God!

You kids were
doing it in the ear!

Hey, my sandwich tastes funny.

Is there something wrong
with the Smucker's?

Yeah, it's been on my penis.

Meg, I still
cannot believe what you
and Doug did last night.

Mom, you don't understand.

Doug and I are abstinent.

But if we have
sex in the ear,
it doesn't count.

We're still pure in
the eyes of the Lord.

Meg, when I was your age,

my parents tried to feed me
the same nonsense
about premarital sex.

You're lying to yourself.

Well, I don't care
what you think.

Doug and I are part of the
Opal Ring Crusade,

and this is how we choose
to express our love.

Look, Meg.
A, ear sex is just unnatural

and B...

How do I say this?

Vaginal intercourse is...

It's just tops.

It's the bee's knees, Meg.

Oh, when you rattle
it around just right.

Oh, my God! I mean...

You remember,
when we had that old car
with the bad shocks,

and I used to take
the old dirt road
on purpose?

Meg... Meg?

I love you.

In local news, a sexy new trend

has emerged at James Woods High.

That's right, Tom.

It appears that students
have taken to having ear sex

in lieu of
traditional intercourse.

Over 200 reports of ear sex
have been confirmed so far,

prompting a new slogan,
"Once you go black,
you go deaf."

Sounds like there's
a pattern developing, Tom.

Oh, a pattern developing?

Well, Diane,
I guess you've learned a lot
from staring lifelessly

at TV reruns of CSI over
the thrusting shoulders
of whatever drifter

you drag into your bedroom
on whatever night CSI is on.

Thursdays, Tom.
And don't miss CSI, Thursday

when Johnny Cluestein
finds the secret fingerprints

in the case...
I've never seen the show.

Brian, I'll be right back.

I'm gonna use
the little girls' room.
All right, baby.

An entire week
and still no teeth.

And it turns out these
teeth I got from
the old man are phony.

Brian... Brian, look,
I'm Gary Busey.

I'm frequently aggressive
in situations that
don't call for it.

What the hell is that?

That's Jillian. She's...

She... She has
this eating disorder.

She's bulimic.
My God! That's horrible.

I know, it really is.

I mean, her hair is falling out.

Last week, she lost a tooth.
Really?

But man, I'll tell you,
all that purging

just makes her
body look fantastic.

I mean, that's what
the supermodels do,

and so many of them
just look so great.

Karen Carpenter overdid it,
but I think Jillian's
found a good balance.

I'm really surprised
you invited me out
for dinner, Stevie.

Oh, well, you know,

I just wanted to
touch base, see how...

It's Stewie, by the way.

Just to check in,
make sure everything's

going well with you and Brian.

It's going kick-ass!

Well, you look fantastic.

Lots of meat on your bones.

Which is great.
What?

Oh, just saying you look jolly.

Like Ruben Studdard

or John Goodman or Santa.

Oh, my God!

Are you saying I'm fat?

No, I'm saying Santa's thin...

Get in there and throw up!
Oh!

Excellent!
Now, I'm prepared to
fight the tooth fairy.

Just like Geri fought comedy
on The Facts of Life.

Hey, Blair did you
find a purse at the mall?

Actually, I found seven.

One for every day of the week.

I'm wide awake, Peter.

You wanna mess around?

Lois, you know I'm abstinent.

Come on, can't you break
your stupid
pledge for one night?

Well, I guess we
do both have needs.

Oh, Peter.

Mmm.

Peter, what...
What are you doing?

What the... What the hell...
What are you doing? Peter!

What the hell is wrong with you?

This is all I can do, Lois.
I'm abstinent.

That is it.

I am gonna have
regular sex with you
whether you like it or not.

No!
I wasn't asking
your permission.

No, no. No, I'm abstinent!

This is an affront
to the Lord. No!

No!

No!

Oh, I see
what you're driving at.

Oh, that was fantastic.

Hey, when'd you
get that tattoo
on your lower back?

I don't know, Peter,
meth is a hell of a drug.

What?
I'm just glad to have
you back on my side.

I only wish
I could convince Meg
and her classmates, too.

We'll show them somehow, Lois.

I'll be more convincing
than Mel Gibson when
he apologized to the Jews.

I'm really, really sorry
about your big noses.

I'm really sorry
about how greedy you are.

But most of all,
I'm really sorry
about your dirty,

underhanded, back-stabbing ways.

Your number one,
dirty Jew fan, Mel Gibson.

All right,
tooth whore, do your worst.

A-ha!

Stewie, what the hell?
Get me down from here.

No way, man!
How do I know you're not
the tooth fairy in disguise?

Your middle name is Gilligan.
Not good enough.

You think my
girlfriend's a moron.
So does everyone.

You have
a picture of Chris Noth
in your wallet.

Okay.

Look, Stewie,
this is ridiculous.

There's something
I have to tell you.

The tooth fairy isn't real.
What?

Look, I didn't
wanna burst your bubble
since you're just a kid,

but, yeah,
she's all smoke and mirrors.

Just like Harry Houdini.

I don't wanna play bridge
with the Petersons tonight.

Harry, we agreed weeks ago
and we're going.

All right, fine.
Let me get my coat.

Oh, wait a second!

Damn it,
I am not going by myself.

Ah, you bitch.

Very well then,
I suppose that
bile-spewing skirt of yours

can have her tooth back.

What... It's gone!

Whoa!
I wonder what happened to it.

Ah!

Fuck, yeah!

Peter, how are we
gonna get past the guard?

Lois, I think
I just got an idea.

You see that guy
with the overcoat?

He's tall enough
for us to sneak in
behind him, come on.

So remember, sex is bad,
immoral, and wrong.

And if you have sex,
you're automatically
in Al-Qaeda.

Kids, do not listen to this man.

He is wrong.
He is feeding you lies.

Now look, it's true
you shouldn't have sex
until you're ready.

You should wait
until you're in love.

But, I mean,
hey, we're all human, huh?

We have urges
and they are
perfectly natural.

And if you do make the choice
to act on them,

make sure you
protect yourselves.

Use a condom.

I'm gonna use condoms.
Me, too.

Maybe, I'll use two condoms
at the same time.

Why would you do that?
Oh, I mean,
just one, just one.

Doug, my mom's right.

If we really care
about each other,
it's okay to have sex.

We'll be safe,
we'll use a condom,
and it'll be wonderful.

Wow, does this mean
I'll see you naked?

Yeah.
Oh, boy, I can't wait.

I'm sorry Doug
dumped you, honey.

It's all your fault.

I'm proud of you, sweetheart.

Me, too, Lois,
you stood up for
what you believe in.

I just wish
I could have been there
to hear the speech you made.

You think you could
give me a little taste?

If you want to
hear Lois' speech,

text message FAMGUY1.

If you wanna hear
Meg talk about her day,

text FAMGUY2.

If you wanna give Cleveland
his first line
of the episode,

text FAMGUY3.

Enter now.

Thanks for voting.

Hey, ya'll, sock it to me.