All language subtitles for Family Guy S05E04 Saving Private Brian.DVD.NonHi.cc.en.20FOX

♪ It seems today
that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

All right, kids,
assembly is starting.
Now, please take your seats

for the following presentation
by the US Army.

What's up, y'all?
I'm Sergeant Extreme!
And I'm Major Awesome!

We're here to tell you
how much the army kicks ass!

Check this out!

The army sounds awesome!
And the recruiter said,
with any luck,

I could get the clap
from a 12-year-old
Chinese prostitute.

Wow, that's great.
You'll be serving
your country,

just like American film legend
Mickey Rooney.

Hi. I'm former biggest star
in the world Mickey Rooney.

And as you may know,
I am totally
and completely insane.

I like to yell at mice
with my shirt off.

Sometimes, I like to steal
other people's scabs.

How do I stay so crazy?
Mickey Rooney's Crazy Pills!

Take one with breakfast,
one with lunch,
and before you know it,

you'll be up on your roof,
pooping in the chimney.

Hold out your stockings, kids!

Chris, you can't
join the army.
You're too young.

Besides, the army is weak.

Now, the marines,
those are the men
you want to fuck.

Are you kidding, Lois?
The army's great! You get
to save money for college,

there's free food,
and all the brown people
you can rape.

I am sorry, but he is not
joining the army. Case closed.

I can't believe
they're brainwashing kids
like Chris

to serve in the military.

Ah, yes, the bottom 10%

of our high-school class
is off to fight
another battle.

You stole that
from The Onion.
What?

You stole that.
I read that in The Onion.
About the war in Iraq.

Well, if that's true,
then I'd say they've got
some sharp cookies over at...

What is it again?
The Onion?

So if I go up
to your room right now,

I'm not gonna find a copy
of The Onion, right?

No.

Damn it!
That's what I thought.

Coming this fall,
if you loved
Everybody Loves Raymond,

then you'll love
his brother Robert even more,
in Robert.

I bet you Debra
really gave it to Ray today.

I bet you she made a sandwich
that wasn't very good,
but he ate it anyway.

And then she got mad at him
'cause he gave her
a funny look.

I miss Ray.

I can't believe
Chris would just buy into that
army recruiter's sales pitch.

We can't let him enlist.
Don't worry, Lois.

All he needs is
an after-school activity
to get his mind off the army.

Just something to distract him.

You know, like all of America
gets distracted

whenever a cute white girl dies.

We regret to report that
not all the children on board
the school bus survived.

We have identified
the body of one victim,
nine-year-old Becky Gunderson.

No, wait,
that's, uh, Becky Gutierrez.
That's not news.

Brian, did you see
Revenge of the Sith?
Yeah, I saw part of it.

Why does Emperor Palpatine
have a desk?
Huh?

You know that scene
where Yoda comes in

and they are about
to have that big fight?

Emperor Palpatine
clearly gets up from his desk.

I mean, I'm just saying,
what does he,
what does he need a desk for?

Who the hell cares?

I'm just saying, it's weird.
I mean, like, what was he
doing at his desk?

Like, right before
Yoda walked in.

What was he doing?
Was he doing paperwork?

Was he, like,
"Oh, Yoda. What do you need,

"and will it take
longer than five minutes?
I'm absolutely swamped.

"These requisition forms
for new TIE fighters

"have to be down to Debbie
in accounting by 6:00,

"or Nute Gunray
is gonna pitch a tent
in my waiting room."

Brian, what are you doing?

Gymboree is that way.
Brian, it's parachute day!

I just want to swing by
the army recruiting center

and give a piece of my mind
to that jerk who tried
to brainwash Chris.

We are gonna be so late.
I'm not gonna have a partner.

I'm gonna have to be partners
with the teacher.

It's just wrong
for the military
to mess with kids' minds.

They're all gonna wind up
in therapy, like Peter was.

Every time my daughter
opens her mouth,

I just want to punch her
in the face.
She's really annoying.

All right, let's explore that.

What the hell's wrong with you?

Your skin's, like,
moving around or something.

I believe I'm having
some sort of seizure.

What kind of
after-school activity
should I do, Dad?

Well, Chris, there's a lot of
fun activities out there.

For example, I used to be
a horse whisperer.

Maybe if she spent
some time on the treadmill,
and I was drunk.

I wouldn't, either.

I don't think
any of this stuff
is right for me, Dad.

Let's just face it. I suck!

Wait, wait. Hang on.
Are those the right words?

"I wanna rock and roll all night

"and party the first Thursday
of every month"?

Yeah, shouldn't it be
"party every day"?

Well, I think the question is,
if we are rocking and rolling
all night,

are we gonna
wanna party every day?

Yeah, that's true.

How about,
"I wanna rock and roll
all night, party some days,

"and on the other days
maybe just hang out
and watch a movie"?

Sounds like you guys
could use some fresh blood.

This is my son, Chris.
You should hear his voice.

It's absolutely gorgeous.

Like Laura Dern,
if she didn't look
like a banana.

He can sing?
Yeah, runs in the family.
See, look.

♪ I am Peter Griffin

♪ I like fancy food

♪ I like reading comic books
and dressing like a dude ♪

Yeah, rock and roll!

Did you hear that?

Guys, I think we just found
our new lead singer.

Awesome! I'm gonna be
a famous music star,
like Muddy Waters!

Muddy? Baby?
Everything all right in there?

Oh, I think I'm about
to pass a kidney stone.

Boy, I can't wait to lay
into that recruiter.

Yes, you'll be about
as effective

as the Wizard of Oz
was at granting wishes.

And, Dorothy, you wanted herpes,

but little did you know,
you've had herpes all along.

I didn't want herpes!

Oh.

Well, you've got it.

Yes, I'd like to see
the army recruiter.

Oh, you'll have to
have a seat.
There's a 25-minute wait.

Twenty-five minutes?
Oh, God.

All right,
I better go put more money
in the meter.

Peggy, would you
send in the next...
Oh, you're already here.

Say, aren't you a little young
to join the army?

No, I have that, uh,
Webster disease.

Hey, is that
the M9 double-action pistol?

Sure is.
Standard issue in the army.

Where do I sign?
Right here.

Did I mention
there's a $100 bonus
if you sign up a buddy?

Really? Well, I think I have
a surprise for somebody.

There you are.

Congratulations.
You are both in the army.

We're both... What?
That's ridiculous.

I'll tell you
what's ridiculous. The Kaiser.

Somebody should put him
on a roll.

♪ Over, we're coming over

♪ And we won't come back
till it's over, over there ♪

Commercial! Damn!
Play me some filler, Johnnie.

Okay, they're dead, all right?
We're not gonna be
seeing them again.

My God, you are
the sorriest bunch of rejects

I ever seen,
and I've seen The Bangles
in concert.

You! Where are you from, boy?
Quahog.

They only got two things
in Quahog. Steers and queers!

I don't see no horns on you.
What does that make you, boy?

Queer?
Right!

Oh, I got it?
Yeah.

You find something funny,
Private Dancer?

Dancer for money,
any old music will do.

Well, actually, yeah. Your
last little back-and-forth
there with Stewie,

that whole queer thing,
that was actually
pretty funny.

Oh, God!

That's gotta hurt worse than
getting a birthday telegram
from Zinedine Zidane.

Yes?

Yo, yo! What's up,
James Woods High?

I'm Chris and this is
our band, Splash Log,

and we're gonna
rock this place until...

Until about 9:30, 'cause
that's when the dance is over.

♪ Evil monkey holds the key

♪ Evil monkey's gonna get me

♪ I'm hiding underneath
my sheets for fear
he'll point and show his teeth

♪ Evil, evil monkey

♪ Evil, evil monkey

♪ Evil, evil monkey ♪

Mayor West?

Quiet, young man.
Can't you see
we're having a poker game?

Now, I'll ask again.

If I order a pizza,
will anyone else have some?

I might have a slice.

Well, you know, I'm gonna
need more of a commitment
than that, Mark.

♪ West Side Story,
Anything Goes

♪ West Side Story,
Anything Goes

♪ Two of my favorite
Broadway shows

♪ Two of my favorite
Broadway shows

♪ Miss Saigon and Cabaret

♪ Miss Saigon and Cabaret

♪ Overrated, I should say

♪ Overrated, I should say ♪

One, two, three, four.

♪ Mambo! ♪

Griffin!
You got four legs there!
You better start using them!

I'm trying, sir.

You got five seconds
to get to the head
of the pack,

or this entire platoon
is gonna scrub the latrines
with their toothbrushes.

Oh, come on, Brian!
Don't screw us, Griffin!

Yeah, come on, don't screw us,
Brian Griffin!

Bill, how about thinking up
your jeers for a change, huh?

Four! Three! Two!
Oh, come on, Brian, get up!

Time's up! You're pathetic,
Griffin! Pathetic!

Whose half-eaten dead bird
is in this footlocker?

Let's say hypothetically
that it does belong
to someone in here.

Would admission of that
allow that person to keep it?

Private Griffin,
just for that, you have
to listen to one track

from this Chris Gaines album.

Don't you think
that's a little extreme?
Two tracks!

It's so stupid.
It's just Garth Brooks
in a wig.

Three tracks!
Come on!

We can go all day
with this!
Yeah, but...

That's it! Every single track,
plus the hidden bonus track!

There's a hidden bonus track?
Oh, I hope it's a ballad.

Should I follow the knight
into the dungeon,

or should I go back
the way I came?

I'll follow the knight.
Page 37, page 37.

I mean, go back the way
I came. I didn't take
my hand off the page.

You seen it, Lois, right?
You seen my hand on the page.

Yeah, Peter, I seen it.

Oh, no, not again.

You know, I'm glad Chris found
an activity he likes,

but why do they have
to use our garage?

Come on, Lois, sometimes
kids can be a handful.

Look at Gregory Peck's kids.

Are we there yet?
It's crowded back here.

Stop touching me.
Your leg is rubbing up
against mine.

Hey! Quiet down
or I'm pulling over.
Stop breathing on the window.

You idiot,
that's condensation.
It's on the outside.

That's it!
I will come back there
and, so help me God,

I will hit you
with my ring hand.

What the hell are you doing?

What does it look like
I'm doing? I'm leaving.

You can't leave, man.
That's desertion.

They'll come after you,
like Peter went after
that hockey coach.

Oh, no clip?

Oh, thought we had a clip.
Nope. Okay.
You can't leave, Brian.

You'll get life in prison.
I'll take my chances.

Let me ask you this.
When was the last time

you saw something
through to the end?

Well, I, uh...
Never, that's when!
You need this, Brian.

You dropped out of college.
You still haven't
finished your novel.

Do you know
what you lack? Discipline!

And do you know
where you'll get it?
Right here in the army!

Boy, you know what?
You're right.

Everything I've ever done,
I've crapped out
on halfway through.

Well, not this time.
I am going to finish
what I started.

That's the spirit!
You can do anything
you put your mind to.

You know,
it's really hard to masturbate
with you guys talking.

Not for me!

♪ Evil, evil monkey ♪

Chris, will you knock
that off for two minutes?

We want to talk to you.
Take five, guys.

What do you buttheads want?

You've been playing
with your friends
long enough.

Now it's time
for you to come inside
and do your homework.

It's time for you
to piss off, redhead.
What?

Hey, hey, Chris, don't talk
to your mother that way.

Oh, way to stand up
for your woman there, fatty.

Chris, what the hell
is going on with you lately?

Ever since you
hooked up with this band,

you're like
a completely different person,
and I don't like it one bit.

I am expressing myself!
Now, get out of my way!

I'm going to the park to loiter.

What the hell is his problem?
I don't know.

He's acting worse than you did
when you tried to cover
your farts by coughing.

Okay, welcome
to the PTA meeting.

On the subject
of school lunches,

I know there's been
some concern about nutrition.

We've had complaints
about the soda machines,

and I have spoken
with the school board.

Is there something
you'd like to say,
Mr. Griffin?

No.

No. No, I'm good.

All right, men.

This obstacle course
represents the final test
of your training.

Almost all of you
have completed it
in the allotted time.

But as you know, as a unit,
you either all graduate,

or none of you graduate.

Griffin, it's up to you.

All right,
you can do this, Brian.
Come on, pray with me.

Dear Lord,
just stay out of our way.
Okay, good luck.

And go!

There's Waldo.

Fresh pepper?
Yes, thank you.

Oh, that's plenty, thanks.
None for me, thanks.

My boyfriend just dumped me.

There's a lot of fish
in the sea. It's always
darkest before the dawn.

If it's not meant to be,
it's not meant to be.

Thanks!

You did it, Brian!
You did it!

Oh, I say, this is an
even bigger accomplishment

than getting Minnie Driver's
head to fit onscreen.

Okay, back up.

Further.
Move back some more.
What?

Back up some more.
I'm as far away as I can get.

Okay, have her enter.
Action!

Damn it. Cut!

Congratulations, men.
You've all passed
basic training.

I'm proud to call you soldiers.

I'm sure
you'll do your country proud
tomorrow morning,

when you're all
shipped off to Iraq.

What?
Oh, don't worry.

I'm sure he means Fraggle Iraq.

This isn't so bad.

Yes, the people are friendly.

I say the media has
totally blown this whole thing
out of proportion.

Okay, I go in store.
I throw backpack.
Big boom.

No, no, no. You are big boom.
Big hero.

Okay, right.
So I throw backpack,

come back
and have big hero party
with many virgins.

No, no, no, no, no. You boom!
Okay, okay.
I put on backpack, boom.

Then I come back,
be hero, virgins.

Okay, yeah,
see you in a few minutes,
big hero.

Unit 17,
this is base. Please report.

10-four,
everything is Charlie 40 60.
What does that mean?

I don't know. I just thought
you're supposed to say
names and numbers.

Nobody's corrected me so far.

What the hell was that?

Help, help! I mean Charlie,
Tango, Cash,

47 Victor Charlie,
Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman!

Roger that.
We're moving to your position.

Chris, your father and I
are very upset
by this new attitude of yours.

I don't care
what you think of me!

Oh, God. I envy that.

I am so self-conscious
about what people think of me.

I am out of here.

You know, I think I may have
an idea what's causing
his behavior, Peter.

Look at all this stuff.

Listen to these lyrics.
"I rip it hardcore
like porno-flick bitches.

"I roll with groups
of ghetto bastards
with biscuits."

Oh, look,
they got a translation
for white people.

"I give 110% when it comes
to helping my community,

"even though
I occasionally associate

"with some
less-than-reputable
characters."

Peter, these lyrics are filthy.

All this violent music
is what's screwing Chris up.

What the hell?
Marilyn Manson?

Is that who's causing all this?

Yeah, it's all him
or her's fault.

Who does he or she
think he or she is?

Look, you can totally see
his or her nipples.

That's obscene, maybe.

There's only one thing to do.
You're right.

We've gotta find
this Marilyn Manson

and I gotta give
that bastard or bitch
a piece of my mind or penis.

All right,
it shouldn't be too hard
to get ourselves kicked out.

Right, we've just
gotta convince them
we're not army material.

Ready?
All right, let's do it.

Wow, look at how gay we are.
I am so gay with my gayness.

Me too. I'm...
I'm a homo.

Any room for one more?
Hell, yeah!

All right, last resort.
We get injured and go home
with Purple Hearts.

Shoot me in the foot.
What? Shoot yourself
in the foot.

No, no, no, no.
They can tell by the angle.

Here, you shoot me
and I'll shoot you.

I don't think
this is gonna work.
Of course it will work.

Ready? One, two, three.

Damn it!
Oh, my God, that hurts!

I think you missed me.
All right, I'll try again.

No, no, no. Hang on,
that looks like it's painful.

Of course it's painful.
There's a bullet in my foot.

Now, get over here.
No, no, no, no, no.

I've changed my mind.
I don't wanna do it.

Come on, we had a deal.
No, no, no.
Don't point that at me.

Okay, come on.
This is not helping,
for God's sake.

Oh, you got me.

Let me see it.
No, no. It's gross.

Let me see it.
No. No, I don't want
to gross you out.

We are in so much pain,
right now. The two of us.

Okay, that was real!

Hey, hi. I'm Private Stewie
and this is Private Brian.

We both got shot in the foot,

so we figured
an honorable discharge
would be in order.

And you could just
send us back to the States.

Getting shot doesn't
get you out of here anymore.

What?
Yeah, we take
whatever we can get.

I mean, we got two dead guys
guarding the ammunition.

Sorry guys, you are here
until the job is done.

Great news, everybody.
Democracy just kicked in.

So, it's over?
That seems unlikely.

Amazing.

There was only one man
in the world with the vision

to predict something like this.

Damn!

Laura! Laura! Laura!

And the Grammy
for biggest posse
goes to Ja Rule.

What?
No, Madonna. Posse. Posse.

Oh.

All right, Marilyn Manson
has to be here somewhere.

Good thing we distracted
that guard with that riddle.

What gets wetter as it dries?

A towel. Hey, I've been had!

Hey, look. Right over there.

Hey, Manson.

What in the world
was that for?
Oh, it's a guy.

That's for ruining our son.

He used to be a sweet boy
until he heard your music.

This old story.
If I had a nickel. All right.
Where's your son?

♪ I'm hiding underneath
my sheets for fear he'll point
and show his teeth ♪

Chris, we brought
someone you might
like to meet.

Oh, my God! Marilyn Manson.

Hey there, Chris.
You working hard
or hardly working?

So, I see
you're in a band.
Yep!

Listen, your parents
tell me you've been
acting out a little bit,

and I just wanted to tell you
rock and roll music is cool,

but respect for your elders
is a tune we can all dance to.

Really?
Sure.

And the best way
to start a fun-filled day
of being a good citizen

is with a healthy breakfast,
rich in breads and grains.

And fruits are important too.

You mean like apples,
oranges and bananas?

Any of them, Chris.
You can't miss.

And now I think your parents
have something to say.

Chris, you don't really
believe all the things
in those song lyrics, do you?

No.

Then why you been acting
like such a punk?

I guess I don't really know.
I think I have an idea.

Peter, when was the last time
you and Chris here
did something together?

Boy, I guess it's been a while.

Here's something
you might not know.

Children crave structure.

They enjoy the fun
of planned activities

in which they
and their parent or guardian

can share a common goal.
Maybe you could
take Chris fishing.

What do you say, Chris?
You wanna go fishing
with your old man?

Do I?
Can't go without these.