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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:04,439 --> 00:00:06,789 [engine whirring] 2 00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:14,057 [clattering] 3 00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:15,319 What? 4 00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:16,625 No. Nothing. 5 00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:19,976 ARCHER: Flies like a dream. 6 00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,891 PAM: Well, 7 00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,936 she did before you crashed her into a goddamn street 8 00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:26,330 anybody with the sense God gave a goddamn duck 9 00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:28,550 could tell was nowhere near wide enough. 10 00:00:28,593 --> 00:00:30,073 Ugh, ducks. 11 00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:31,857 Don't start your racist bullshit. 12 00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,555 -You know I'm right. -And I'm in no mood. 13 00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:35,339 [quietly]: In some kind of mood. 14 00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:37,080 -Yeah, you want to guess why? -[radio crackles] 15 00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,299 MALORY [over radio]: Sterling? 16 00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:39,343 Like in general, or... 17 00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:40,475 -Bird. -Sterling! 18 00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:41,998 What?! Sorry. 19 00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,478 What can I do for you? 20 00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:46,959 Well, you can start by watching that tone, mister. 21 00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:49,745 And then, you can tell me why I'm looking at the package 22 00:00:49,788 --> 00:00:52,269 you were supposed to fly to Tahiti today. 23 00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:54,315 ARCHER: Oh, did I not do that? 24 00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:59,102 Do I need to remind you just who exactly owns that flying crate? 25 00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:00,364 [Archer sighs] 26 00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:02,497 So wherever you idiots are, 27 00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:04,586 and whatever idiocy you're up to... 28 00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:06,240 -ARCHER: I... -PAM [chuckling]: I don't think idiots 29 00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:08,329 know how to find a million dollar treasure. 30 00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:09,591 A what? 31 00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,114 What'd she say, what treasure? 32 00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:13,116 What are you two up to? 33 00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,465 Sterling? 34 00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,380 Because you're both company employees 35 00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:20,341 using company resources on company time, and so, legally, 36 00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:23,692 anything of value, be it monetary or otherwise, 37 00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,260 that you may happen to make, find, stumble upon, 38 00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,522 -or otherwise obt... -[gunshot] 39 00:01:27,565 --> 00:01:28,610 [yelps] 40 00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,133 [Archer clears throat] 41 00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:32,527 I, uh, probably shouldn't have said anything, huh? 42 00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:34,398 Yeah, but was thatnecessary? 43 00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:36,183 No, Crackers, it wasn't. 44 00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:38,750 In fact, it was wildly unnecessary. 45 00:01:38,794 --> 00:01:42,232 Like radish roses, or Pam running her fat mouth. 46 00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,364 I like radish roses. 47 00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:44,147 Right? 48 00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:45,627 -Typical. -Of what? 49 00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,019 Of assholes. 50 00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:48,412 Now get out your shitty map 51 00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:49,805 and get us to that goddamn idol 52 00:01:49,848 --> 00:01:52,199 so I can lie to my mother about finding it, 53 00:01:52,242 --> 00:01:55,637 and begin living a life of luxury where she can't find me. 54 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:56,942 Okay. God. 55 00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:58,379 And it's not a shitty map. 56 00:01:58,422 --> 00:01:59,771 It'll take us right to the idol. 57 00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,599 Just set old Lucy down in Dead Man's Cove. 58 00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,384 Seriously? 59 00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:07,301 What, did somebody have dibs on Foreshadowing Lagoon? 60 00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:11,131 Hmm. It doesn't say. 61 00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,569 ♪ 62 00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:45,295 ♪ 63 00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:55,262 KRIEGER: I just want to reiterate 64 00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,873 that I think it was a pretty bad idea to shoot the radio. 65 00:02:57,916 --> 00:03:00,354 PAM: Jesus, talk about foreshadowing. 66 00:03:00,397 --> 00:03:02,443 Yeah, or don't. In fact, how about you two 67 00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:03,705 -don't talk about any... -[howling] 68 00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:05,924 What the hell was that? 69 00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:07,839 Maybe howler monkeys? 70 00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,102 [howling continues] 71 00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:12,148 Hopefully howler monkeys? 72 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,237 Yeah, except howler monkeys only live 73 00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,283 in Central and South America. 74 00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:17,675 Not only. Monkeys live everywhere. 75 00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:18,937 -No, they... -Shut up. 76 00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:20,374 One time, I saw a monkey in a bar, 77 00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,289 in Paris, France, Europe. 78 00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:24,421 -Wha...? -Dressed as a teeny tiny waiter. 79 00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:26,684 Well, then I obviously stand corrected. 80 00:03:26,728 --> 00:03:28,251 [howling] 81 00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:29,426 Yeah. Like an idiot. 82 00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:31,254 MALORY: I'm sorry? 83 00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:32,516 Hello. Breakfast? 84 00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,039 Oh, do tell. 85 00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,303 I will have a crispy golden Belgian waffle, 86 00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,087 drizzled with melted Belgian chocolate, 87 00:03:38,130 --> 00:03:41,090 with a side of Belgian endive. 88 00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,918 And I feel like I'd feel a lot better 89 00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:44,702 if you were maybe writing this down. 90 00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:47,314 No need, that's just The King Leopold. 91 00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:48,619 Really? 92 00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:51,405 That's, like, a dish you have? 93 00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,320 Oh, sarcasm. 94 00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:56,279 Well, then I'll just have champagne. 95 00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:57,280 Fresh out. 96 00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:58,542 Can you check again? 97 00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:00,414 Or, I could have the Germans rip up 98 00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:03,330 the walls and floors helping you look? 99 00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:04,983 What kind? 100 00:04:05,027 --> 00:04:09,379 Mm... most expensive. 101 00:04:09,423 --> 00:04:13,470 Speaking of which, has Sterling mentioned anything to you 102 00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:17,431 about coming into some money, or, say... 103 00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:19,171 [whispers]: treasure? 104 00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:21,696 Oh, you mean since the night he defiled my young, supple body, 105 00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:25,177 destroyed my marriage, and sentenced me to a life of shame? 106 00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:26,962 Or whenever. 107 00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:29,312 And why the hell are youin here? 108 00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,357 Uh, breakfast? 109 00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,445 Not in here. 110 00:04:31,488 --> 00:04:32,576 You're 86'd. 111 00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,186 But I'm very hungry, 112 00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:37,320 and for some verdammtreason, Luigi is not open. 113 00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:42,194 Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 114 00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:45,981 I also overheard you mention something about hidden treasure? 115 00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:48,549 -Nope. -And also, I could not help 116 00:04:48,592 --> 00:04:51,247 but notice you have there a map of the island? 117 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,162 -Nope. -And so, naturally, I wonder 118 00:04:53,205 --> 00:04:54,598 if you think there is some treasure 119 00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,426 hidden somewhere on the island. 120 00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,994 Like in the book by Robert Louis Stevenson? 121 00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:00,604 [gasps] Weir of Hermiston? 122 00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,606 Wha...? Nein, Treasure Island. 123 00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:04,434 I don't know all his goddamn books! 124 00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:06,741 -Move! -MALORY: But what I know 125 00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:09,831 is that unless you want Manu to scramble youreggs... 126 00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:11,572 Yeah, I would love some scrambled... 127 00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:13,051 Oh, I see. 128 00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:14,966 -You mean my testicles. -[knuckles crack] 129 00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:18,709 Schreckliche Stadt zum Fruhstuck. 130 00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:21,538 Well? Which way, "insert obscure reference 131 00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:22,800 to a famous cartographer"? 132 00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,367 Ooh, Hendrik Hondius? 133 00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:25,499 Sure. Pam? 134 00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:26,500 I don't know who that is. 135 00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:28,153 No. Which way? 136 00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:30,852 Okay, so... okay, so, the thing is... 137 00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:32,070 Give me that. 138 00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:33,550 Oh, my God. 139 00:05:33,594 --> 00:05:34,769 Is that shit? 140 00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:35,770 PAM: What? 141 00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:37,554 -Ew! -No, dumbass. 142 00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,077 It's barbecue sauce. 143 00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:40,862 -Wha...? -Kansas City or Carolina? 144 00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:42,385 What am I, an asshole? 145 00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:43,865 Already established, and so, 146 00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:45,519 what was already the world's worst map 147 00:05:45,562 --> 00:05:48,043 you somehow made even worse by... 148 00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:49,610 Wait, where'd you get barbecue? 149 00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,089 -What? -I haven't had barbecue 150 00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,178 since we left Spain, where the hell did you get it? 151 00:05:53,222 --> 00:05:54,745 -Oh. Uh... -Pam. 152 00:05:54,789 --> 00:05:56,268 -Look, it's not... -Oh, my God. 153 00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:57,661 -Did you... -Oh, no. 154 00:05:57,705 --> 00:05:58,575 ...eat a person? 155 00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:00,534 -What? No! -Ew! 156 00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:01,839 Then, where'd you get barbecue? 157 00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,275 I didn't. 158 00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,103 Then why'd you have barbecue sauce? 159 00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:06,975 [quietly]: I don't... I mean, I've been drinking it. 160 00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:08,237 -What? -Oh, for the... 161 00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,456 As an aperitif. 162 00:06:09,499 --> 00:06:10,544 Happy? 163 00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:12,546 Happy you drink barbecue sauce? 164 00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,069 It's basically V8. 165 00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:15,810 It's brown sugar and ketchup. 166 00:06:15,853 --> 00:06:17,855 Goddamn it, which way, Pam? 167 00:06:17,899 --> 00:06:19,117 That way. 168 00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:20,641 You're sure? 169 00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:22,425 Positive. [chuckles] 170 00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,296 Well, you totally sold that. 171 00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:25,602 I'm gonna miss that dopey confidence 172 00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:28,257 once we find this damn idol... [screaming] 173 00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,476 -What the...? -Archer? 174 00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:32,566 ARCHER: Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! Ugh! 175 00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:35,046 -[thuds] -Oh... 176 00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,570 Archer? 177 00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:37,701 Be careful. 178 00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:38,876 Thanks, dummy. 179 00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,791 -Eh. -Oh, shit. 180 00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:43,141 It's a big, steep-ass ravine. 181 00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:45,361 Okay, I'm gonna have to rappel down. 182 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,623 KRIEGER: Should I come with you? 183 00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:49,452 Yeah. Or your dumb ass could fly. 184 00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:50,714 Oh, right. 185 00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,673 [Pam grunting] 186 00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,463 Come on, you got it, just hurry up. 187 00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:01,464 Why, is he hurt? 188 00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,031 -No, but... -Shut up. 189 00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:04,815 Archer? You okay? 190 00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:06,817 ARCHER: Uh, yeah, currently. 191 00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:08,471 [grunts] 192 00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:10,342 What do you mean, "currently"? 193 00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:11,518 [gasps] 194 00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,824 Holy shitsnacks. 195 00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,609 -Yeah. -Quicksand! 196 00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,828 -Yeah. -[howling] 197 00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:21,310 And that's still going on. 198 00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:24,008 Which... so great. 199 00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:30,885 LANA: You cannot be serious. Archer? 200 00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:32,408 Is out there looking for the idol? 201 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,714 How does he even know where to look? 202 00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,759 Well, I have no way to know this, but, uh... 203 00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,326 But meanwhile, 204 00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:39,284 instead of searching the jungle for the idol, 205 00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:41,069 your men are getting drunk every night 206 00:07:41,112 --> 00:07:44,115 and shtupping the crazy coconut lady. 207 00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:46,117 Yeah, they are really mondsuchtig. 208 00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:47,684 "Moonstruck"? 209 00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:48,859 -Moonstruck. -Besotted. 210 00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:51,383 I know what it means. 211 00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:53,168 But I can't help wonder if Japanese soldiers 212 00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:55,344 wouldn't be much more disciplined. 213 00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:56,563 All right. I get your point. 214 00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,347 I will find it. 215 00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,523 Now, how about a little fruhstuck, 216 00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:01,568 my little passion fruit? 217 00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:04,135 Not until you pay me for the idol. 218 00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:06,137 Oh, but that makes our relationship 219 00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:07,878 sound so transactional. 220 00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:10,011 It istransactional. 221 00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:12,448 [sighs] I know, but it hurts to hear it. 222 00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,712 No idol, no money, no fruit. 223 00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:18,323 [groans] 224 00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,761 CYRIL: [sighs] Deine Freizeit. 225 00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:22,676 Ist kaputt! 226 00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:25,330 Erste Sache, nicht mehr mit deiser 227 00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:28,638 verruckten Kokosnussfrau shtuppen! 228 00:08:28,682 --> 00:08:29,944 Was willst du? 229 00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:32,686 Uh, we were wondering if, perhaps, as a group, 230 00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:33,817 we could speak English? 231 00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,732 -SOLDIERS: Yeah, English. -Warum? 232 00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:38,996 Well, as you call her, this "crazy coconut lady," 233 00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,260 does not speak German, so we would like to practice English. 234 00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:43,610 -Yeah. -Why not? -[Cyril laughs] 235 00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,133 Why, do you think this woman 236 00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:47,396 would ever marry one of you dummkopfen? 237 00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:49,790 I mean... 238 00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,139 Fine. English, then. 239 00:08:51,182 --> 00:08:52,749 We march today into the jungle, 240 00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,838 where we will search for and find, 241 00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:58,842 something vital to the future of our great fatherland. 242 00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:02,803 But the jungle is very dangerous, full of lizards 243 00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:05,632 and snakes and cannibals and what else, Gott wei? 244 00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:07,155 Can we shoot the lizards and snakes? 245 00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:08,504 Yes, of course. 246 00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,810 Can we shoot the cannibals? 247 00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:12,073 You can shoot anything you want! 248 00:09:12,116 --> 00:09:14,205 Now are there any other questions? 249 00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:18,253 That are not about shooting things? 250 00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,298 Then, let's go. 251 00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:22,300 The American pilots may have a head start on us. 252 00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:25,260 They also may be smarter than they look. 253 00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:26,957 Because get the hell off me, bird! 254 00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,742 But I'm hugging you, with my talons. 255 00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:30,613 -Why? -'Cause I'm here for you. 256 00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,615 Well, "be here" somewhere else. 257 00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,617 Yeesh. With friends like you. 258 00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:37,011 Case in point, what'd you mean when you said 259 00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:39,274 you were gonna miss me once we found the idol? 260 00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:40,841 I... can we talk about this later? 261 00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:43,060 No. Why'd you say you'd miss me? 262 00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:44,540 I-- look, you're gonna miss me 263 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,281 if I drown in this goddamn quicksand. 264 00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:50,067 Yeah, try not to thrash around, it makes you sink faster. 265 00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:51,068 How would you know? 266 00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:52,417 Cowboy movies. 267 00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:53,984 Can you please just get me out of here? 268 00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:55,682 [laughing]: And how's this even supposed to work? 269 00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:57,031 Oh, my God, Elisha Otis, 270 00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,685 you throw the rope over that branch up there. 271 00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:01,252 I catch the rope, I hold onto the rope. 272 00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,298 You hold on to your end of the rope, 273 00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,908 and then you pull me to safety. 274 00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,780 But wait, I mean, I can't pull you out 275 00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:08,433 if you weigh more than I do. 276 00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:10,435 [laughs] Excuse me? 277 00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:12,220 I mean, that's like science-physics. 278 00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:13,917 You think I weigh more than you. 279 00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,919 [chuckling]: Uh, yeah. 280 00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:16,877 You're a man. 281 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,052 -Crackers? -Nope. 282 00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:19,227 -Bird? -[sighs] 283 00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,663 Wait, what? 284 00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,273 You think I weigh more than him? 285 00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:23,753 -I mean... -[gasps] 286 00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:24,928 No, not in a... 287 00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:26,538 Come on, you're big-boned. 288 00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:27,670 And easily six five. 289 00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:29,237 Now can you please use 290 00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,543 those big-ass bones to get me out of this bullshit? 291 00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,502 [chuckles] Okay, smart guys, I'll bet you. 292 00:10:33,545 --> 00:10:34,938 [grunts] 293 00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,897 50 bucks says Archer's heavier. 294 00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,899 [laughs] Make it a hundred. 295 00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:41,075 -You're on. -Well, but there's his actual weight, 296 00:10:41,118 --> 00:10:43,077 plus you also have to overcome the suction power 297 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,906 of the quicksand, and I don't know if that's expressed 298 00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:48,256 in foot-pounds, or newton metres, or... 299 00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:49,736 I don't care if it's in ergs. 300 00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:51,868 -It's not. -She still weighs more than me. 301 00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:53,827 Then, let's make it 200. 302 00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:56,307 -Bring it. -[grunts] 303 00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,309 The real problem here, though, isn't which one of you 304 00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:01,878 weighs more, it's your combined weights in relation to the... 305 00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:03,880 -Whoa! -Oh, no, no, no. Ow! 306 00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:05,882 Oh! Ooh! W-Whoa. 307 00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:08,972 [groans] 308 00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:11,061 Yeah, I was gonna say the branch. 309 00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:13,760 [howling] 310 00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:16,284 I mean, first Pam mentions treasure 311 00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:19,722 and then that sneaky little kraut gets all flustered, 312 00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,855 like he's heard of the treasure? 313 00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:24,596 What if there's actually treasure on the island? 314 00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:25,989 [chuckles] Think it is a good story. 315 00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,557 I mean, it is no Weir of Hermiston,but... 316 00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,602 Oh, shut up. What about him? 317 00:11:30,646 --> 00:11:32,082 He's not read it. 318 00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:34,606 No. Ask him about the treasure. 319 00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,739 Like if there's a native legend or something. 320 00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:39,002 [sighs, speaks French] 321 00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:44,791 -[gasps] -He says yes. 322 00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:47,097 Where? Ask him where. 323 00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:49,317 Ou,Doudou, ou? 324 00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:53,103 He says somewhere in this area here, 325 00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:55,540 close to La Crique de l'Homme Mort. 326 00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:57,891 It means Dead Man's Cove. 327 00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:00,589 [snickers] "Dead Man's Cove"? 328 00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:04,898 What, did somebody already have dibs on Harbinger Harbor? 329 00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,814 He say he don't know. 330 00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,598 Because why'd you say you'd miss me 331 00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:11,556 once we found the goddamn idol? 332 00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,906 -Oh, my God. -Well? 333 00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:15,038 I... wait. Crackers. 334 00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:16,779 If I can tie the rope around this heavy branch, 335 00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:19,129 can you fly it up into the notch of that tree 336 00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:20,827 and kind of wedge it in there? 337 00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:21,828 [laughing]: I don't know. 338 00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,264 Can you bench-press a train? 339 00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:25,005 [mocking]: I don't know. Can you bench-press a train? 340 00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:28,182 Hey, but what I could do is use the radio in the plane to... 341 00:12:28,225 --> 00:12:31,402 -wait for it... -[howling] 342 00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:33,448 -You know... -I could fly back to town and get help. 343 00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:34,928 -I'm sure your mother would... -No. 344 00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:37,844 All Mother cares about is getting her Manu-hooks 345 00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:41,195 into whatever money the idol's worth thanks to Pam, so no. 346 00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:42,718 Nobody's going anywhere. 347 00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,241 Certainly not you two. 348 00:12:44,285 --> 00:12:47,941 Will you shut up and let me think? 349 00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:49,856 Why'd you say you'd miss me if you... 350 00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:51,814 Goddamn it! Because! 351 00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:55,513 Pam! I'm currently up to my ears in quicksand! 352 00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:57,515 And before that, I flew here in a plane 353 00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:00,040 made out of literal garbage, and before that, 354 00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:03,043 my eyeball got shot out in Spain, and before that, 355 00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:05,175 I went bust on those goddamn chinchilladas. 356 00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:07,961 And the common denominator in every bad thing 357 00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,050 that's ever happened to me is you! 358 00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:11,834 And you know why?! 359 00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:15,185 Because the only two kinds of luck you have are bad and none 360 00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:18,319 because you are a jinx! 361 00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:21,844 And that idol is my ticket out of Loserville, 362 00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:24,804 population you! 363 00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,853 [sobbing] 364 00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,072 Goddamn, dude. 365 00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:33,464 Shut up, bird! 366 00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:35,205 And as for you... 367 00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:38,121 Hey. Hey, come on. 368 00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:40,515 Knock it off. I-I-I'm sorry. 369 00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,343 I didn't mean that. I-I just meant... 370 00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:43,648 Ow! What the...? 371 00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:45,737 [howling] 372 00:13:48,262 --> 00:13:50,786 So great. 373 00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:57,314 [howling] 374 00:13:57,358 --> 00:13:58,925 -[grunts] -Ow. 375 00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,883 What the hell are you doing over there? 376 00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,015 Waiting for your pitch? 377 00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:03,712 I'm doing the best I can. 378 00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:05,888 Which I'm sure isn't good enough for you 379 00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:09,239 because apparently, it never is, but don't worry. [grunts] 380 00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,546 If we get out of here alive... [grunts] 381 00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:14,027 you and me are quitsies. [grunts] 382 00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:16,377 -[howling] -ARCHER: Well, that suits me just fine. 383 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,554 -Ow! -Well, it's been not so nice knowing you. 384 00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:21,991 Guys, come on, you're talking crazy. 385 00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:23,514 Well, why should I stick around somebody 386 00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,125 who doesn't appreciate me? 387 00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:26,474 No, about getting out of here alive. 388 00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:28,258 Uh, I've been in tougher scrapes than... ow! 389 00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:30,478 He's right. We can't do this forever. [grunts] 390 00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:33,481 [howling] 391 00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:36,701 CYRIL: That is very strange. 392 00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:38,790 It sounds like howler monkeys, 393 00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:41,358 but they are not indigenous to the Pacific. 394 00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:45,623 [groans] Yes, damn it, you can shoot the monkeys! 395 00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,930 Then what? What was your question? 396 00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:52,326 Sorry. I was just going to ask if we can shoot the monkeys. 397 00:14:52,369 --> 00:14:54,328 -What?! -He just said that. 398 00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:58,288 Ah, I know, but I was going to ask it before he said that 399 00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:01,422 and then he asked me what my question was and... 400 00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,514 Any other questions? 401 00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:08,081 Well, then what would you suggest? 402 00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:09,734 That I fly back to town for help. 403 00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,432 -No! -What? -What do you mean, "no"? 404 00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,303 You go back for help, Mother's gonna find out, 405 00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:16,437 get her nosy beak all up in it and the next thing you know, 406 00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,396 -she tricks us out of our million dollar treasure. -What? 407 00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,529 Wait. So, you'd rather just die? 408 00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:24,010 Than to see her spending my fortune on boy toys 409 00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:25,794 and artisanal gin? Ow! 410 00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:27,230 -Oh, my God. -Well? 411 00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:28,101 -I'm going for help. -No! 412 00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:29,841 -Yes! -No! 413 00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:32,322 -Yep. Yep, yep, yep. -Goddamn it, Crackers. 414 00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:33,976 And you get the bird, by the way. 415 00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:36,544 -Who says I want him? -KRIEGER: I can still hear you. 416 00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:38,241 -BOTH: Shut up, bird! -KRIEGER: Eh. 417 00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:39,764 CHERYL: Excuse me? 418 00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:41,897 I said I'm going with you 419 00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,855 to look for hidden treasure or whatever. 420 00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:45,553 Have you lost your mind? 421 00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:49,339 I think maybe I have, yeah, because if you leave me here, 422 00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:52,212 I am gonna burn down your goddamn hotel! 423 00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:54,344 You can't! Arrest her. 424 00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,390 Oh, no. Never again. 425 00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,174 I say bring her along. 426 00:15:58,218 --> 00:16:01,438 With any luck, she will be torn apart and eaten by wild animals. 427 00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,179 Mm-mmm! 428 00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:05,268 [blows raspberries] 429 00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:06,704 Aw, shit. 430 00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,924 Oh, for... way to go, idiot. 431 00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,926 How is that my fault? Ow. 432 00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,276 How is everything your fault? Ow! 433 00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,148 -Exactly. -Wait, what? 434 00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:16,714 You're the one who's always shooting off his... 435 00:16:16,758 --> 00:16:18,629 Hey, wait. Where's your gun? 436 00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:21,632 Why? You need something that's full of goddamn quicksand? 437 00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:23,199 You can at least show it to them. 438 00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:24,940 What good would that possibly do? 439 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,637 I don't know. It might scare them off. 440 00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:28,900 They don't know what a gun is. Ow! 441 00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,424 You don't know that. 442 00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:32,687 For all you know, they broke out of some top secret lab. 443 00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:34,602 They might be super intelligent. 444 00:16:34,645 --> 00:16:36,082 Do they look super intelligent? 445 00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,735 PAM: Oh. 446 00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:40,390 [scoffs] Who among us... ow! 447 00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,218 Come on. Show them the heater. 448 00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:44,655 [sighs] But only because this is the last time 449 00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:46,483 I do one of your stupid ideas. 450 00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,616 There. Happy? 451 00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:50,705 [howls] 452 00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:51,967 What the...? 453 00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,490 -[howling] -Holy shit. 454 00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:55,057 -They're running away. -See? 455 00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:56,885 It wasn't because of the gun. 456 00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:58,974 Yeah. I mean, maybe they were just as sick 457 00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,194 of your bullshit as I am. 458 00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:02,891 -[howling] -They sound very excited, no? 459 00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:07,330 [chuckles] Must be with the crazy coconut lady. 460 00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:08,462 -[shouts] -RAY: Doudou! 461 00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:11,117 Idiot, regards la route! 462 00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,424 Oh, my God, and if you see any oysters, we have to stop. 463 00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:16,470 I am starving. 464 00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:19,212 Wh... where the hell would we see oysters?! 465 00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:22,345 Wherever. 466 00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:24,217 -Oh, whatever. -Then tell me. 467 00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:26,132 Tell me one time us being partners 468 00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:29,874 got us out of a bad situation instead of deeper in it. 469 00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:31,789 -[sobs] -Oh, great. 470 00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,269 Maybe you could float us out. 471 00:17:33,313 --> 00:17:35,228 I'm sorry. 472 00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,534 It just hurts to hear your best friend in the whole world 473 00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:41,277 say it's just been a big fat waste of time 474 00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:45,673 [sobbing]: and he'd be better off if he never even met you, 475 00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:51,157 even after you gave him the best years of your life 476 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:57,119 and you got nothing... nothing to show for it 477 00:17:57,163 --> 00:18:01,819 except for half an old magical bird! [sobs] 478 00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:03,343 Magical? 479 00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:05,345 Well, how else can you explain it? 480 00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:07,825 That's not normal bird behavior. 481 00:18:07,869 --> 00:18:09,175 He's a parrot. 482 00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:10,698 [crying]: Still, though. 483 00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,613 Well, but, come on, the best years of your life? 484 00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:15,006 I mean, it's not like we were a couple. 485 00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:18,140 No. I was never a couple with anybody 486 00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,708 because I put everything into us 487 00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:23,319 and I have nothing, Archer! 488 00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:25,147 Nothing! 489 00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,497 Well, Jesus Christ, what am I supposed to do, Pam? 490 00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:28,803 Ask you to marry me? 491 00:18:28,846 --> 00:18:30,500 Wait, what? 492 00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:31,762 -What? -[gasps] 493 00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:33,373 -Are you...? -Oh, no, no, no. 494 00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:36,245 -No, I... -Oh-ho! I get it! 495 00:18:36,289 --> 00:18:40,771 You'd have to be some kind of giant flapping asshole 496 00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:44,297 to ask that big dumb Pam Poovey to marry you! 497 00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:46,647 -[sobs] -No, come on. You're a great gal. 498 00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,302 You're smart. You're funny. 499 00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:51,260 Any guy would be lucky to have you. 500 00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:53,393 [sobbing]: You didn't say pretty. 501 00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:55,264 In your own way you are, 502 00:18:55,308 --> 00:18:57,527 if you'd ever put on some makeup or a dress. 503 00:18:57,571 --> 00:18:59,312 And I mean, I assume you've got 504 00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,401 a pretty colossal set of tits under there. 505 00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:04,447 They are. They are goddamn colossal. 506 00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,449 And we are best friends. 507 00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:08,451 You're actually the only person I don't hate to be around. 508 00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:11,976 I guess we do kind of make a pretty great team. 509 00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:13,761 [sniffles] Wait. 510 00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:17,286 What are you... what are you saying? 511 00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:19,984 I-I mean... I-I don't know. 512 00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:23,336 If-if I did ask you to marry me someday, 513 00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:25,903 wh-wh-what would you say? 514 00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:32,258 [laughs] 515 00:19:32,301 --> 00:19:35,304 Okay. 516 00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,437 [laughing]: Oh, my God. 517 00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,613 -You goddamn idiot. -Okay. 518 00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:41,876 I can't believe I got you to say that. 519 00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:46,097 That is the dumbest idea I've ever heard in my life. 520 00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:49,362 -I mean, that idea sucks. -Okay! 521 00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:54,323 That idea would suck a dick just to cut in line 522 00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:57,631 -to suck a bigger dick. -Okay, Pam. 523 00:19:57,674 --> 00:19:59,633 [laughing]: Oh, man. 524 00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:01,243 [exhales] Thank you. 525 00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:02,853 I needed that. 526 00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,290 Yeah, well, you know what I need? 527 00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:05,726 [coughs] 528 00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:07,815 Oh, my God, it's up to my mouth. 529 00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:11,035 W-Wait. Why isn't it up to your mouth? 530 00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:12,515 -What? -The quicksand. 531 00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:13,516 Why aren't you sinking? 532 00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,344 I can touch. 533 00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:17,346 -What? -My feet are touching the bottom. 534 00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:20,610 Then why didn't you just walk out?! 535 00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:23,526 Well, I was going to, then you started blubbering 536 00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:25,833 about how you wanted to get married and shit and... 537 00:20:25,876 --> 00:20:27,965 Get your big ass out of this goddamn quicksand 538 00:20:28,009 --> 00:20:29,837 and then get my ass out! 539 00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,622 -Okay, geez. Lighten up already. -Hurry up! 540 00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:35,277 You can't go through life pissed off all the damn time. 541 00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:36,670 It'll give you ball cancer. 542 00:20:36,713 --> 00:20:40,282 I had an uncle once, Norm, always pissed off and... whoops! 543 00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:44,634 ARCHER: And? 544 00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:46,375 Um... 545 00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,858 What happened to Norm? 546 00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:52,294 Let me guess. 547 00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:55,341 Did you annoy him to death? 548 00:21:14,229 --> 00:21:18,189 MAN: Made in Georgia. 549 00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:24,152 Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH 38875

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