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1
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[engine whirring]
2
00:00:12,795 --> 00:00:14,057
[clattering]
3
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:15,319
What?
4
00:00:15,363 --> 00:00:16,625
No. Nothing.
5
00:00:16,668 --> 00:00:19,976
ARCHER:
Flies like a dream.
6
00:00:20,020 --> 00:00:21,891
PAM:
Well,
7
00:00:21,934 --> 00:00:23,936
she did before you crashed her
into a goddamn street
8
00:00:23,980 --> 00:00:26,330
anybody with the sense
God gave a goddamn duck
9
00:00:26,374 --> 00:00:28,550
could tell was nowhere
near wide enough.
10
00:00:28,593 --> 00:00:30,073
Ugh, ducks.
11
00:00:30,117 --> 00:00:31,857
Don't start
your racist bullshit.
12
00:00:31,901 --> 00:00:33,555
-You know I'm right.
-And I'm in no mood.
13
00:00:33,598 --> 00:00:35,339
[quietly]:
In some kind of mood.
14
00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:37,080
-Yeah, you want to guess why?
-[radio crackles]
15
00:00:37,124 --> 00:00:38,299
MALORY [over radio]:
Sterling?
16
00:00:38,342 --> 00:00:39,343
Like in general, or...
17
00:00:39,387 --> 00:00:40,475
-Bird.
-Sterling!
18
00:00:40,518 --> 00:00:41,998
What?! Sorry.
19
00:00:42,042 --> 00:00:43,478
What can I do for you?
20
00:00:43,521 --> 00:00:46,959
Well, you can start by watching
that tone, mister.
21
00:00:47,003 --> 00:00:49,745
And then, you can tell me
why I'm looking at the package
22
00:00:49,788 --> 00:00:52,269
you were supposed to fly
to Tahiti today.
23
00:00:52,313 --> 00:00:54,315
ARCHER:
Oh, did I not do that?
24
00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:59,102
Do I need to remind you just who
exactly owns that flying crate?
25
00:00:59,146 --> 00:01:00,364
[Archer sighs]
26
00:01:00,408 --> 00:01:02,497
So wherever you idiots are,
27
00:01:02,540 --> 00:01:04,586
and whatever idiocy
you're up to...
28
00:01:04,629 --> 00:01:06,240
-ARCHER: I...
-PAM [chuckling]:
I don't think idiots
29
00:01:06,283 --> 00:01:08,329
know how to find
a million dollar treasure.
30
00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:09,591
A what?
31
00:01:09,634 --> 00:01:11,114
What'd she say, what treasure?
32
00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:13,116
What are you two up to?
33
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:14,465
Sterling?
34
00:01:14,509 --> 00:01:16,380
Because you're both
company employees
35
00:01:16,424 --> 00:01:20,341
using company resources on
company time, and so, legally,
36
00:01:20,384 --> 00:01:23,692
anything of value,
be it monetary or otherwise,
37
00:01:23,735 --> 00:01:26,260
that you may happen to make,
find, stumble upon,
38
00:01:26,303 --> 00:01:27,522
-or otherwise obt...
-[gunshot]
39
00:01:27,565 --> 00:01:28,610
[yelps]
40
00:01:28,653 --> 00:01:30,133
[Archer clears throat]
41
00:01:30,177 --> 00:01:32,527
I, uh, probably shouldn't
have said anything, huh?
42
00:01:32,570 --> 00:01:34,398
Yeah, but was thatnecessary?
43
00:01:34,442 --> 00:01:36,183
No, Crackers, it wasn't.
44
00:01:36,226 --> 00:01:38,750
In fact,
it was wildly unnecessary.
45
00:01:38,794 --> 00:01:42,232
Like radish roses,
or Pam running her fat mouth.
46
00:01:42,276 --> 00:01:43,364
I like radish roses.
47
00:01:43,407 --> 00:01:44,147
Right?
48
00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:45,627
-Typical.
-Of what?
49
00:01:45,670 --> 00:01:47,019
Of assholes.
50
00:01:47,063 --> 00:01:48,412
Now get out your shitty map
51
00:01:48,456 --> 00:01:49,805
and get us to that goddamn idol
52
00:01:49,848 --> 00:01:52,199
so I can lie to my mother
about finding it,
53
00:01:52,242 --> 00:01:55,637
and begin living a life of
luxury where she can't find me.
54
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:56,942
Okay. God.
55
00:01:56,986 --> 00:01:58,379
And it's not a shitty map.
56
00:01:58,422 --> 00:01:59,771
It'll take us right to the idol.
57
00:01:59,815 --> 00:02:01,599
Just set old Lucy down
in Dead Man's Cove.
58
00:02:01,643 --> 00:02:03,384
Seriously?
59
00:02:03,427 --> 00:02:07,301
What, did somebody have dibs
on Foreshadowing Lagoon?
60
00:02:07,344 --> 00:02:11,131
Hmm. It doesn't say.
61
00:02:12,567 --> 00:02:14,569
♪
62
00:02:43,293 --> 00:02:45,295
♪
63
00:02:53,390 --> 00:02:55,262
KRIEGER:
I just want to reiterate
64
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,873
that I think it was a pretty
bad idea to shoot the radio.
65
00:02:57,916 --> 00:03:00,354
PAM: Jesus,
talk about foreshadowing.
66
00:03:00,397 --> 00:03:02,443
Yeah, or don't.
In fact, how about you two
67
00:03:02,486 --> 00:03:03,705
-don't talk about any...
-[howling]
68
00:03:03,748 --> 00:03:05,924
What the hell was that?
69
00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:07,839
Maybe howler monkeys?
70
00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,102
[howling continues]
71
00:03:10,146 --> 00:03:12,148
Hopefully howler monkeys?
72
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,237
Yeah, except howler monkeys
only live
73
00:03:14,281 --> 00:03:16,283
in Central and South America.
74
00:03:16,326 --> 00:03:17,675
Not only.
Monkeys live everywhere.
75
00:03:17,719 --> 00:03:18,937
-No, they...
-Shut up.
76
00:03:18,981 --> 00:03:20,374
One time, I saw a monkey
in a bar,
77
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,289
in Paris, France, Europe.
78
00:03:22,332 --> 00:03:24,421
-Wha...?
-Dressed as a teeny tiny waiter.
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00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:26,684
Well, then I obviously
stand corrected.
80
00:03:26,728 --> 00:03:28,251
[howling]
81
00:03:28,295 --> 00:03:29,426
Yeah. Like an idiot.
82
00:03:29,470 --> 00:03:31,254
MALORY:
I'm sorry?
83
00:03:31,298 --> 00:03:32,516
Hello. Breakfast?
84
00:03:32,560 --> 00:03:34,039
Oh, do tell.
85
00:03:34,083 --> 00:03:36,303
I will have a crispy
golden Belgian waffle,
86
00:03:36,346 --> 00:03:38,087
drizzled with melted
Belgian chocolate,
87
00:03:38,130 --> 00:03:41,090
with a side of Belgian endive.
88
00:03:41,133 --> 00:03:42,918
And I feel like I'd feel
a lot better
89
00:03:42,961 --> 00:03:44,702
if you were maybe
writing this down.
90
00:03:44,746 --> 00:03:47,314
No need, that's just
The King Leopold.
91
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:48,619
Really?
92
00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:51,405
That's, like, a dish you have?
93
00:03:51,448 --> 00:03:53,320
Oh, sarcasm.
94
00:03:53,363 --> 00:03:56,279
Well, then
I'll just have champagne.
95
00:03:56,323 --> 00:03:57,280
Fresh out.
96
00:03:57,324 --> 00:03:58,542
Can you check again?
97
00:03:58,586 --> 00:04:00,414
Or, I could have
the Germans rip up
98
00:04:00,457 --> 00:04:03,330
the walls and floors
helping you look?
99
00:04:03,373 --> 00:04:04,983
What kind?
100
00:04:05,027 --> 00:04:09,379
Mm... most expensive.
101
00:04:09,423 --> 00:04:13,470
Speaking of which, has Sterling
mentioned anything to you
102
00:04:13,514 --> 00:04:17,431
about coming
into some money, or, say...
103
00:04:17,474 --> 00:04:19,171
[whispers]:
treasure?
104
00:04:19,215 --> 00:04:21,696
Oh, you mean since the night he
defiled my young, supple body,
105
00:04:21,739 --> 00:04:25,177
destroyed my marriage, and
sentenced me to a life of shame?
106
00:04:25,221 --> 00:04:26,962
Or whenever.
107
00:04:27,005 --> 00:04:29,312
And why the hell
are youin here?
108
00:04:29,356 --> 00:04:30,357
Uh, breakfast?
109
00:04:30,400 --> 00:04:31,445
Not in here.
110
00:04:31,488 --> 00:04:32,576
You're 86'd.
111
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,186
But I'm very hungry,
112
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:37,320
and for some verdammtreason,
Luigi is not open.
113
00:04:37,364 --> 00:04:42,194
Yeah. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
114
00:04:42,238 --> 00:04:45,981
I also overheard you mention
something about hidden treasure?
115
00:04:46,024 --> 00:04:48,549
-Nope.
-And also, I could not help
116
00:04:48,592 --> 00:04:51,247
but notice you have there
a map of the island?
117
00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:53,162
-Nope.
-And so, naturally, I wonder
118
00:04:53,205 --> 00:04:54,598
if you think
there is some treasure
119
00:04:54,642 --> 00:04:56,426
hidden somewhere on the island.
120
00:04:56,470 --> 00:04:58,994
Like in the book
by Robert Louis Stevenson?
121
00:04:59,037 --> 00:05:00,604
[gasps]
Weir of Hermiston?
122
00:05:00,648 --> 00:05:02,606
Wha...? Nein, Treasure Island.
123
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:04,434
I don't know
all his goddamn books!
124
00:05:04,478 --> 00:05:06,741
-Move!
-MALORY: But what I know
125
00:05:06,784 --> 00:05:09,831
is that unless you want Manu
to scramble youreggs...
126
00:05:09,874 --> 00:05:11,572
Yeah, I would love
some scrambled...
127
00:05:11,615 --> 00:05:13,051
Oh, I see.
128
00:05:13,095 --> 00:05:14,966
-You mean my testicles.
-[knuckles crack]
129
00:05:15,010 --> 00:05:18,709
Schreckliche Stadt
zum Fruhstuck.
130
00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:21,538
Well? Which way,
"insert obscure reference
131
00:05:21,582 --> 00:05:22,800
to a famous cartographer"?
132
00:05:22,844 --> 00:05:24,367
Ooh, Hendrik Hondius?
133
00:05:24,411 --> 00:05:25,499
Sure. Pam?
134
00:05:25,542 --> 00:05:26,500
I don't know who that is.
135
00:05:26,543 --> 00:05:28,153
No. Which way?
136
00:05:28,197 --> 00:05:30,852
Okay, so...
okay, so, the thing is...
137
00:05:30,895 --> 00:05:32,070
Give me that.
138
00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:33,550
Oh, my God.
139
00:05:33,594 --> 00:05:34,769
Is that shit?
140
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:35,770
PAM:
What?
141
00:05:35,813 --> 00:05:37,554
-Ew!
-No, dumbass.
142
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,077
It's barbecue sauce.
143
00:05:39,121 --> 00:05:40,862
-Wha...?
-Kansas City or Carolina?
144
00:05:40,905 --> 00:05:42,385
What am I, an asshole?
145
00:05:42,429 --> 00:05:43,865
Already established, and so,
146
00:05:43,908 --> 00:05:45,519
what was already
the world's worst map
147
00:05:45,562 --> 00:05:48,043
you somehow made
even worse by...
148
00:05:48,086 --> 00:05:49,610
Wait, where'd you get barbecue?
149
00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,089
-What?
-I haven't had barbecue
150
00:05:51,133 --> 00:05:53,178
since we left Spain,
where the hell did you get it?
151
00:05:53,222 --> 00:05:54,745
-Oh. Uh...
-Pam.
152
00:05:54,789 --> 00:05:56,268
-Look, it's not...
-Oh, my God.
153
00:05:56,312 --> 00:05:57,661
-Did you...
-Oh, no.
154
00:05:57,705 --> 00:05:58,575
...eat a person?
155
00:05:58,619 --> 00:06:00,534
-What? No!
-Ew!
156
00:06:00,577 --> 00:06:01,839
Then, where'd you get barbecue?
157
00:06:01,883 --> 00:06:03,275
I didn't.
158
00:06:03,319 --> 00:06:05,103
Then why'd you have
barbecue sauce?
159
00:06:05,147 --> 00:06:06,975
[quietly]: I don't... I mean,
I've been drinking it.
160
00:06:07,018 --> 00:06:08,237
-What?
-Oh, for the...
161
00:06:08,280 --> 00:06:09,456
As an aperitif.
162
00:06:09,499 --> 00:06:10,544
Happy?
163
00:06:10,587 --> 00:06:12,546
Happy you drink barbecue sauce?
164
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,069
It's basically V8.
165
00:06:14,112 --> 00:06:15,810
It's brown sugar and ketchup.
166
00:06:15,853 --> 00:06:17,855
Goddamn it, which way, Pam?
167
00:06:17,899 --> 00:06:19,117
That way.
168
00:06:19,161 --> 00:06:20,641
You're sure?
169
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:22,425
Positive.
[chuckles]
170
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:24,296
Well, you totally sold that.
171
00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:25,602
I'm gonna miss
that dopey confidence
172
00:06:25,646 --> 00:06:28,257
once we find this damn idol...
[screaming]
173
00:06:28,300 --> 00:06:29,476
-What the...?
-Archer?
174
00:06:29,519 --> 00:06:32,566
ARCHER:
Oh! Ow! Oh! Oh! Ugh!
175
00:06:32,609 --> 00:06:35,046
-[thuds]
-Oh...
176
00:06:35,090 --> 00:06:36,570
Archer?
177
00:06:36,613 --> 00:06:37,701
Be careful.
178
00:06:37,745 --> 00:06:38,876
Thanks, dummy.
179
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:40,791
-Eh.
-Oh, shit.
180
00:06:40,835 --> 00:06:43,141
It's a big, steep-ass ravine.
181
00:06:43,185 --> 00:06:45,361
Okay, I'm gonna
have to rappel down.
182
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,623
KRIEGER:
Should I come with you?
183
00:06:46,667 --> 00:06:49,452
Yeah. Or your dumb ass
could fly.
184
00:06:49,496 --> 00:06:50,714
Oh, right.
185
00:06:50,758 --> 00:06:52,673
[Pam grunting]
186
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,463
Come on, you got it,
just hurry up.
187
00:07:00,507 --> 00:07:01,464
Why, is he hurt?
188
00:07:01,508 --> 00:07:03,031
-No, but...
-Shut up.
189
00:07:03,074 --> 00:07:04,815
Archer? You okay?
190
00:07:04,859 --> 00:07:06,817
ARCHER:
Uh, yeah, currently.
191
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:08,471
[grunts]
192
00:07:08,515 --> 00:07:10,342
What do you mean, "currently"?
193
00:07:10,386 --> 00:07:11,518
[gasps]
194
00:07:11,561 --> 00:07:13,824
Holy shitsnacks.
195
00:07:13,868 --> 00:07:15,609
-Yeah.
-Quicksand!
196
00:07:15,652 --> 00:07:17,828
-Yeah.
-[howling]
197
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:21,310
And that's still going on.
198
00:07:21,353 --> 00:07:24,008
Which... so great.
199
00:07:27,751 --> 00:07:30,885
LANA:
You cannot be serious. Archer?
200
00:07:30,928 --> 00:07:32,408
Is out there
looking for the idol?
201
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:33,714
How does he even know
where to look?
202
00:07:33,757 --> 00:07:35,759
Well, I have no way
to know this, but, uh...
203
00:07:35,803 --> 00:07:37,326
But meanwhile,
204
00:07:37,369 --> 00:07:39,284
instead of searching
the jungle for the idol,
205
00:07:39,328 --> 00:07:41,069
your men are getting drunk
every night
206
00:07:41,112 --> 00:07:44,115
and shtupping
the crazy coconut lady.
207
00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:46,117
Yeah, they are
really mondsuchtig.
208
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:47,684
"Moonstruck"?
209
00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:48,859
-Moonstruck.
-Besotted.
210
00:07:48,903 --> 00:07:51,383
I know what it means.
211
00:07:51,427 --> 00:07:53,168
But I can't help wonder
if Japanese soldiers
212
00:07:53,211 --> 00:07:55,344
wouldn't be
much more disciplined.
213
00:07:55,387 --> 00:07:56,563
All right. I get your point.
214
00:07:56,606 --> 00:07:58,347
I will find it.
215
00:07:58,390 --> 00:08:00,523
Now, how about
a little fruhstuck,
216
00:08:00,567 --> 00:08:01,568
my little passion fruit?
217
00:08:01,611 --> 00:08:04,135
Not until you pay me
for the idol.
218
00:08:04,179 --> 00:08:06,137
Oh, but that makes
our relationship
219
00:08:06,181 --> 00:08:07,878
sound so transactional.
220
00:08:07,922 --> 00:08:10,011
It istransactional.
221
00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:12,448
[sighs]
I know, but it hurts to hear it.
222
00:08:12,492 --> 00:08:15,712
No idol, no money, no fruit.
223
00:08:15,756 --> 00:08:18,323
[groans]
224
00:08:18,367 --> 00:08:20,761
CYRIL:
[sighs] Deine Freizeit.
225
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:22,676
Ist kaputt!
226
00:08:22,719 --> 00:08:25,330
Erste Sache,
nicht mehr mit deiser
227
00:08:25,374 --> 00:08:28,638
verruckten Kokosnussfrau
shtuppen!
228
00:08:28,682 --> 00:08:29,944
Was willst du?
229
00:08:29,987 --> 00:08:32,686
Uh, we were wondering
if, perhaps, as a group,
230
00:08:32,729 --> 00:08:33,817
we could speak English?
231
00:08:33,861 --> 00:08:35,732
-SOLDIERS: Yeah, English.
-Warum?
232
00:08:35,776 --> 00:08:38,996
Well, as you call her,
this "crazy coconut lady,"
233
00:08:39,040 --> 00:08:42,260
does not speak German, so we
would like to practice English.
234
00:08:42,304 --> 00:08:43,610
-Yeah.
-Why not?
-[Cyril laughs]
235
00:08:43,653 --> 00:08:45,133
Why, do you think this woman
236
00:08:45,176 --> 00:08:47,396
would ever marry
one of you dummkopfen?
237
00:08:48,484 --> 00:08:49,790
I mean...
238
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,139
Fine. English, then.
239
00:08:51,182 --> 00:08:52,749
We march today into the jungle,
240
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,838
where we will search for
and find,
241
00:08:54,882 --> 00:08:58,842
something vital to the future
of our great fatherland.
242
00:08:58,886 --> 00:09:02,803
But the jungle is very
dangerous, full of lizards
243
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:05,632
and snakes and cannibals
and what else, Gott wei?
244
00:09:05,675 --> 00:09:07,155
Can we shoot
the lizards and snakes?
245
00:09:07,198 --> 00:09:08,504
Yes, of course.
246
00:09:08,548 --> 00:09:09,810
Can we shoot the cannibals?
247
00:09:09,853 --> 00:09:12,073
You can shoot anything you want!
248
00:09:12,116 --> 00:09:14,205
Now are there
any other questions?
249
00:09:16,251 --> 00:09:18,253
That are not
about shooting things?
250
00:09:18,296 --> 00:09:20,298
Then, let's go.
251
00:09:20,342 --> 00:09:22,300
The American pilots may
have a head start on us.
252
00:09:22,344 --> 00:09:25,260
They also may be smarter
than they look.
253
00:09:25,303 --> 00:09:26,957
Because get the hell
off me, bird!
254
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,742
But I'm hugging you,
with my talons.
255
00:09:28,785 --> 00:09:30,613
-Why?
-'Cause I'm here for you.
256
00:09:30,657 --> 00:09:32,615
Well, "be here" somewhere else.
257
00:09:32,659 --> 00:09:34,617
Yeesh. With friends like you.
258
00:09:34,661 --> 00:09:37,011
Case in point,
what'd you mean when you said
259
00:09:37,054 --> 00:09:39,274
you were gonna miss me
once we found the idol?
260
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:40,841
I... can we talk
about this later?
261
00:09:40,884 --> 00:09:43,060
No. Why'd you say you'd miss me?
262
00:09:43,104 --> 00:09:44,540
I-- look, you're gonna miss me
263
00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:46,281
if I drown
in this goddamn quicksand.
264
00:09:46,324 --> 00:09:50,067
Yeah, try not to thrash around,
it makes you sink faster.
265
00:09:50,111 --> 00:09:51,068
How would you know?
266
00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:52,417
Cowboy movies.
267
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:53,984
Can you please
just get me out of here?
268
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:55,682
[laughing]: And how's this
even supposed to work?
269
00:09:55,725 --> 00:09:57,031
Oh, my God, Elisha Otis,
270
00:09:57,074 --> 00:09:58,685
you throw the rope
over that branch up there.
271
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:01,252
I catch the rope,
I hold onto the rope.
272
00:10:01,296 --> 00:10:03,298
You hold on to your end
of the rope,
273
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:04,908
and then you pull me to safety.
274
00:10:04,952 --> 00:10:06,780
But wait, I mean,
I can't pull you out
275
00:10:06,823 --> 00:10:08,433
if you weigh more than I do.
276
00:10:08,477 --> 00:10:10,435
[laughs]
Excuse me?
277
00:10:10,479 --> 00:10:12,220
I mean, that's like
science-physics.
278
00:10:12,263 --> 00:10:13,917
You think I weigh more than you.
279
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,919
[chuckling]:
Uh, yeah.
280
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:16,877
You're a man.
281
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:18,052
-Crackers?
-Nope.
282
00:10:18,095 --> 00:10:19,227
-Bird?
-[sighs]
283
00:10:19,270 --> 00:10:20,663
Wait, what?
284
00:10:20,707 --> 00:10:22,273
You think I weigh
more than him?
285
00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:23,753
-I mean...
-[gasps]
286
00:10:23,797 --> 00:10:24,928
No, not in a...
287
00:10:24,972 --> 00:10:26,538
Come on, you're big-boned.
288
00:10:26,582 --> 00:10:27,670
And easily six five.
289
00:10:27,714 --> 00:10:29,237
Now can you please use
290
00:10:29,280 --> 00:10:31,543
those big-ass bones to get me
out of this bullshit?
291
00:10:31,587 --> 00:10:33,502
[chuckles]
Okay, smart guys, I'll bet you.
292
00:10:33,545 --> 00:10:34,938
[grunts]
293
00:10:34,982 --> 00:10:36,897
50 bucks says Archer's heavier.
294
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:38,899
[laughs]
Make it a hundred.
295
00:10:38,942 --> 00:10:41,075
-You're on.
-Well, but there's
his actual weight,
296
00:10:41,118 --> 00:10:43,077
plus you also have to overcome
the suction power
297
00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,906
of the quicksand, and I don't
know if that's expressed
298
00:10:45,949 --> 00:10:48,256
in foot-pounds,
or newton metres, or...
299
00:10:48,299 --> 00:10:49,736
I don't care if it's in ergs.
300
00:10:49,779 --> 00:10:51,868
-It's not.
-She still weighs more than me.
301
00:10:51,912 --> 00:10:53,827
Then, let's make it 200.
302
00:10:53,870 --> 00:10:56,307
-Bring it.
-[grunts]
303
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,309
The real problem here, though,
isn't which one of you
304
00:10:58,353 --> 00:11:01,878
weighs more, it's your combined
weights in relation to the...
305
00:11:01,922 --> 00:11:03,880
-Whoa!
-Oh, no, no, no. Ow!
306
00:11:03,924 --> 00:11:05,882
Oh! Ooh! W-Whoa.
307
00:11:05,926 --> 00:11:08,972
[groans]
308
00:11:09,016 --> 00:11:11,061
Yeah, I was gonna say
the branch.
309
00:11:11,105 --> 00:11:13,760
[howling]
310
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:16,284
I mean, first
Pam mentions treasure
311
00:11:16,327 --> 00:11:19,722
and then that sneaky little
kraut gets all flustered,
312
00:11:19,766 --> 00:11:21,855
like he's heard of the treasure?
313
00:11:21,898 --> 00:11:24,596
What if there's actually
treasure on the island?
314
00:11:24,640 --> 00:11:25,989
[chuckles]
Think it is a good story.
315
00:11:26,033 --> 00:11:28,557
I mean, it is no
Weir of Hermiston,but...
316
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:30,602
Oh, shut up.
What about him?
317
00:11:30,646 --> 00:11:32,082
He's not read it.
318
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:34,606
No. Ask him about the treasure.
319
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,739
Like if there's a native legend
or something.
320
00:11:36,783 --> 00:11:39,002
[sighs, speaks French]
321
00:11:42,919 --> 00:11:44,791
-[gasps]
-He says yes.
322
00:11:44,834 --> 00:11:47,097
Where? Ask him where.
323
00:11:47,141 --> 00:11:49,317
Ou,Doudou, ou?
324
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:53,103
He says somewhere
in this area here,
325
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:55,540
close to La Crique
de l'Homme Mort.
326
00:11:55,584 --> 00:11:57,891
It means Dead Man's Cove.
327
00:11:57,934 --> 00:12:00,589
[snickers]
"Dead Man's Cove"?
328
00:12:00,632 --> 00:12:04,898
What, did somebody already
have dibs on Harbinger Harbor?
329
00:12:04,941 --> 00:12:07,814
He say he don't know.
330
00:12:07,857 --> 00:12:09,598
Because why'd you say
you'd miss me
331
00:12:09,641 --> 00:12:11,556
once we found the goddamn idol?
332
00:12:11,600 --> 00:12:12,906
-Oh, my God.
-Well?
333
00:12:12,949 --> 00:12:15,038
I... wait. Crackers.
334
00:12:15,082 --> 00:12:16,779
If I can tie the rope
around this heavy branch,
335
00:12:16,823 --> 00:12:19,129
can you fly it up
into the notch of that tree
336
00:12:19,173 --> 00:12:20,827
and kind of wedge it in there?
337
00:12:20,870 --> 00:12:21,828
[laughing]:
I don't know.
338
00:12:21,871 --> 00:12:23,264
Can you bench-press a train?
339
00:12:23,307 --> 00:12:25,005
[mocking]: I don't know.
Can you bench-press a train?
340
00:12:25,048 --> 00:12:28,182
Hey, but what I could do is use
the radio in the plane to...
341
00:12:28,225 --> 00:12:31,402
-wait for it...
-[howling]
342
00:12:31,446 --> 00:12:33,448
-You know...
-I could fly back to town
and get help.
343
00:12:33,491 --> 00:12:34,928
-I'm sure your mother would...
-No.
344
00:12:34,971 --> 00:12:37,844
All Mother cares about
is getting her Manu-hooks
345
00:12:37,887 --> 00:12:41,195
into whatever money the idol's
worth thanks to Pam, so no.
346
00:12:41,238 --> 00:12:42,718
Nobody's going anywhere.
347
00:12:42,762 --> 00:12:44,241
Certainly not you two.
348
00:12:44,285 --> 00:12:47,941
Will you shut up
and let me think?
349
00:12:47,984 --> 00:12:49,856
Why'd you say you'd miss me
if you...
350
00:12:49,899 --> 00:12:51,814
Goddamn it! Because!
351
00:12:51,858 --> 00:12:55,513
Pam! I'm currently up to my ears
in quicksand!
352
00:12:55,557 --> 00:12:57,515
And before that,
I flew here in a plane
353
00:12:57,559 --> 00:13:00,040
made out of literal garbage,
and before that,
354
00:13:00,083 --> 00:13:03,043
my eyeball got shot out
in Spain, and before that,
355
00:13:03,086 --> 00:13:05,175
I went bust on those
goddamn chinchilladas.
356
00:13:05,219 --> 00:13:07,961
And the common denominator
in every bad thing
357
00:13:08,004 --> 00:13:10,050
that's ever happened to me
is you!
358
00:13:10,093 --> 00:13:11,834
And you know why?!
359
00:13:11,878 --> 00:13:15,185
Because the only two kinds of
luck you have are bad and none
360
00:13:15,229 --> 00:13:18,319
because you are a jinx!
361
00:13:18,362 --> 00:13:21,844
And that idol is my ticket
out of Loserville,
362
00:13:21,888 --> 00:13:24,804
population you!
363
00:13:28,024 --> 00:13:30,853
[sobbing]
364
00:13:30,897 --> 00:13:32,072
Goddamn, dude.
365
00:13:32,115 --> 00:13:33,464
Shut up, bird!
366
00:13:33,508 --> 00:13:35,205
And as for you...
367
00:13:35,249 --> 00:13:38,121
Hey. Hey, come on.
368
00:13:38,165 --> 00:13:40,515
Knock it off. I-I-I'm sorry.
369
00:13:40,558 --> 00:13:42,343
I didn't mean that.
I-I just meant...
370
00:13:42,386 --> 00:13:43,648
Ow! What the...?
371
00:13:43,692 --> 00:13:45,737
[howling]
372
00:13:48,262 --> 00:13:50,786
So great.
373
00:13:54,703 --> 00:13:57,314
[howling]
374
00:13:57,358 --> 00:13:58,925
-[grunts]
-Ow.
375
00:13:58,968 --> 00:14:00,883
What the hell
are you doing over there?
376
00:14:00,927 --> 00:14:02,015
Waiting for your pitch?
377
00:14:02,058 --> 00:14:03,712
I'm doing the best I can.
378
00:14:03,755 --> 00:14:05,888
Which I'm sure
isn't good enough for you
379
00:14:05,932 --> 00:14:09,239
because apparently, it never is,
but don't worry. [grunts]
380
00:14:09,283 --> 00:14:11,546
If we get out of here alive...
[grunts]
381
00:14:11,589 --> 00:14:14,027
you and me are quitsies.
[grunts]
382
00:14:14,070 --> 00:14:16,377
-[howling]
-ARCHER:
Well, that suits me just fine.
383
00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:19,554
-Ow!
-Well, it's been
not so nice knowing you.
384
00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:21,991
Guys, come on,
you're talking crazy.
385
00:14:22,035 --> 00:14:23,514
Well, why should I
stick around somebody
386
00:14:23,558 --> 00:14:25,125
who doesn't appreciate me?
387
00:14:25,168 --> 00:14:26,474
No, about getting out
of here alive.
388
00:14:26,517 --> 00:14:28,258
Uh, I've been in tougher
scrapes than... ow!
389
00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:30,478
He's right. We can't do
this forever. [grunts]
390
00:14:30,521 --> 00:14:33,481
[howling]
391
00:14:33,524 --> 00:14:36,701
CYRIL:
That is very strange.
392
00:14:36,745 --> 00:14:38,790
It sounds like howler monkeys,
393
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:41,358
but they are not indigenous
to the Pacific.
394
00:14:41,402 --> 00:14:45,623
[groans] Yes, damn it,
you can shoot the monkeys!
395
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,930
Then what?
What was your question?
396
00:14:47,974 --> 00:14:52,326
Sorry. I was just going to ask
if we can shoot the monkeys.
397
00:14:52,369 --> 00:14:54,328
-What?!
-He just said that.
398
00:14:54,371 --> 00:14:58,288
Ah, I know, but I was going
to ask it before he said that
399
00:14:58,332 --> 00:15:01,422
and then he asked me
what my question was and...
400
00:15:03,990 --> 00:15:06,514
Any other questions?
401
00:15:06,557 --> 00:15:08,081
Well, then what would
you suggest?
402
00:15:08,124 --> 00:15:09,734
That I fly back to town
for help.
403
00:15:09,778 --> 00:15:11,432
-No!
-What?
-What do you mean, "no"?
404
00:15:11,475 --> 00:15:13,303
You go back for help,
Mother's gonna find out,
405
00:15:13,347 --> 00:15:16,437
get her nosy beak all up in it
and the next thing you know,
406
00:15:16,480 --> 00:15:19,396
-she tricks us out
of our million dollar treasure.
-What?
407
00:15:19,440 --> 00:15:21,529
Wait. So, you'd rather just die?
408
00:15:21,572 --> 00:15:24,010
Than to see her spending
my fortune on boy toys
409
00:15:24,053 --> 00:15:25,794
and artisanal gin? Ow!
410
00:15:25,837 --> 00:15:27,230
-Oh, my God.
-Well?
411
00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:28,101
-I'm going for help.
-No!
412
00:15:28,144 --> 00:15:29,841
-Yes!
-No!
413
00:15:29,885 --> 00:15:32,322
-Yep. Yep, yep, yep.
-Goddamn it, Crackers.
414
00:15:32,366 --> 00:15:33,976
And you get the bird,
by the way.
415
00:15:34,020 --> 00:15:36,544
-Who says I want him?
-KRIEGER: I can still hear you.
416
00:15:36,587 --> 00:15:38,241
-BOTH: Shut up, bird!
-KRIEGER: Eh.
417
00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:39,764
CHERYL:
Excuse me?
418
00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:41,897
I said I'm going with you
419
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:43,855
to look for hidden treasure
or whatever.
420
00:15:43,899 --> 00:15:45,553
Have you lost your mind?
421
00:15:45,596 --> 00:15:49,339
I think maybe I have, yeah,
because if you leave me here,
422
00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:52,212
I am gonna burn down
your goddamn hotel!
423
00:15:52,255 --> 00:15:54,344
You can't! Arrest her.
424
00:15:54,388 --> 00:15:56,390
Oh, no. Never again.
425
00:15:56,433 --> 00:15:58,174
I say bring her along.
426
00:15:58,218 --> 00:16:01,438
With any luck, she will be torn
apart and eaten by wild animals.
427
00:16:01,482 --> 00:16:03,179
Mm-mmm!
428
00:16:03,223 --> 00:16:05,268
[blows raspberries]
429
00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:06,704
Aw, shit.
430
00:16:06,748 --> 00:16:08,924
Oh, for... way to go, idiot.
431
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:10,926
How is that my fault? Ow.
432
00:16:10,970 --> 00:16:13,276
How is everything your fault?
Ow!
433
00:16:13,320 --> 00:16:15,148
-Exactly.
-Wait, what?
434
00:16:15,191 --> 00:16:16,714
You're the one who's always
shooting off his...
435
00:16:16,758 --> 00:16:18,629
Hey, wait. Where's your gun?
436
00:16:18,673 --> 00:16:21,632
Why? You need something that's
full of goddamn quicksand?
437
00:16:21,676 --> 00:16:23,199
You can at least show it
to them.
438
00:16:23,243 --> 00:16:24,940
What good would that
possibly do?
439
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:26,637
I don't know.
It might scare them off.
440
00:16:26,681 --> 00:16:28,900
They don't know what a gun is.
Ow!
441
00:16:28,944 --> 00:16:30,424
You don't know that.
442
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:32,687
For all you know, they broke out
of some top secret lab.
443
00:16:32,730 --> 00:16:34,602
They might be super intelligent.
444
00:16:34,645 --> 00:16:36,082
Do they look super intelligent?
445
00:16:36,125 --> 00:16:37,735
PAM:
Oh.
446
00:16:37,779 --> 00:16:40,390
[scoffs] Who among us... ow!
447
00:16:40,434 --> 00:16:42,218
Come on. Show them the heater.
448
00:16:42,262 --> 00:16:44,655
[sighs] But only because
this is the last time
449
00:16:44,699 --> 00:16:46,483
I do one of your stupid ideas.
450
00:16:46,527 --> 00:16:48,616
There. Happy?
451
00:16:48,659 --> 00:16:50,705
[howls]
452
00:16:50,748 --> 00:16:51,967
What the...?
453
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:53,490
-[howling]
-Holy shit.
454
00:16:53,534 --> 00:16:55,057
-They're running away.
-See?
455
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:56,885
It wasn't because of the gun.
456
00:16:56,928 --> 00:16:58,974
Yeah. I mean,
maybe they were just as sick
457
00:16:59,018 --> 00:17:01,194
of your bullshit as I am.
458
00:17:01,237 --> 00:17:02,891
-[howling]
-They sound very excited, no?
459
00:17:02,934 --> 00:17:07,330
[chuckles] Must be
with the crazy coconut lady.
460
00:17:07,374 --> 00:17:08,462
-[shouts]
-RAY: Doudou!
461
00:17:08,505 --> 00:17:11,117
Idiot, regards la route!
462
00:17:11,160 --> 00:17:14,424
Oh, my God, and if you see
any oysters, we have to stop.
463
00:17:14,468 --> 00:17:16,470
I am starving.
464
00:17:16,513 --> 00:17:19,212
Wh... where the hell
would we see oysters?!
465
00:17:19,255 --> 00:17:22,345
Wherever.
466
00:17:22,389 --> 00:17:24,217
-Oh, whatever.
-Then tell me.
467
00:17:24,260 --> 00:17:26,132
Tell me one time
us being partners
468
00:17:26,175 --> 00:17:29,874
got us out of a bad situation
instead of deeper in it.
469
00:17:29,918 --> 00:17:31,789
-[sobs]
-Oh, great.
470
00:17:31,833 --> 00:17:33,269
Maybe you could float us out.
471
00:17:33,313 --> 00:17:35,228
I'm sorry.
472
00:17:35,271 --> 00:17:37,534
It just hurts to hear your
best friend in the whole world
473
00:17:37,578 --> 00:17:41,277
say it's just been
a big fat waste of time
474
00:17:41,321 --> 00:17:45,673
[sobbing]: and he'd be better
off if he never even met you,
475
00:17:45,716 --> 00:17:51,157
even after you gave him
the best years of your life
476
00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:57,119
and you got nothing...
nothing to show for it
477
00:17:57,163 --> 00:18:01,819
except for half
an old magical bird! [sobs]
478
00:18:01,863 --> 00:18:03,343
Magical?
479
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:05,345
Well, how else
can you explain it?
480
00:18:05,388 --> 00:18:07,825
That's not normal bird behavior.
481
00:18:07,869 --> 00:18:09,175
He's a parrot.
482
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:10,698
[crying]:
Still, though.
483
00:18:10,741 --> 00:18:12,613
Well, but, come on,
the best years of your life?
484
00:18:12,656 --> 00:18:15,006
I mean, it's not like
we were a couple.
485
00:18:15,050 --> 00:18:18,140
No. I was never a couple
with anybody
486
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:20,708
because I put everything
into us
487
00:18:20,751 --> 00:18:23,319
and I have nothing, Archer!
488
00:18:23,363 --> 00:18:25,147
Nothing!
489
00:18:25,191 --> 00:18:27,497
Well, Jesus Christ,
what am I supposed to do, Pam?
490
00:18:27,541 --> 00:18:28,803
Ask you to marry me?
491
00:18:28,846 --> 00:18:30,500
Wait, what?
492
00:18:30,544 --> 00:18:31,762
-What?
-[gasps]
493
00:18:31,806 --> 00:18:33,373
-Are you...?
-Oh, no, no, no.
494
00:18:33,416 --> 00:18:36,245
-No, I...
-Oh-ho! I get it!
495
00:18:36,289 --> 00:18:40,771
You'd have to be some kind
of giant flapping asshole
496
00:18:40,815 --> 00:18:44,297
to ask that big dumb Pam Poovey
to marry you!
497
00:18:44,340 --> 00:18:46,647
-[sobs]
-No, come on.
You're a great gal.
498
00:18:46,690 --> 00:18:49,302
You're smart. You're funny.
499
00:18:49,345 --> 00:18:51,260
Any guy would be lucky
to have you.
500
00:18:51,304 --> 00:18:53,393
[sobbing]:
You didn't say pretty.
501
00:18:53,436 --> 00:18:55,264
In your own way you are,
502
00:18:55,308 --> 00:18:57,527
if you'd ever put on some makeup
or a dress.
503
00:18:57,571 --> 00:18:59,312
And I mean, I assume you've got
504
00:18:59,355 --> 00:19:01,401
a pretty colossal set of tits
under there.
505
00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:04,447
They are.
They are goddamn colossal.
506
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,449
And we are best friends.
507
00:19:06,493 --> 00:19:08,451
You're actually the only person
I don't hate to be around.
508
00:19:08,495 --> 00:19:11,976
I guess we do kind of make
a pretty great team.
509
00:19:12,020 --> 00:19:13,761
[sniffles] Wait.
510
00:19:13,804 --> 00:19:17,286
What are you...
what are you saying?
511
00:19:17,330 --> 00:19:19,984
I-I mean... I-I don't know.
512
00:19:20,028 --> 00:19:23,336
If-if I did ask you
to marry me someday,
513
00:19:23,379 --> 00:19:25,903
wh-wh-what would you say?
514
00:19:30,125 --> 00:19:32,258
[laughs]
515
00:19:32,301 --> 00:19:35,304
Okay.
516
00:19:35,348 --> 00:19:37,437
[laughing]:
Oh, my God.
517
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:39,613
-You goddamn idiot.
-Okay.
518
00:19:39,656 --> 00:19:41,876
I can't believe
I got you to say that.
519
00:19:41,919 --> 00:19:46,097
That is the dumbest idea
I've ever heard in my life.
520
00:19:46,141 --> 00:19:49,362
-I mean, that idea sucks.
-Okay!
521
00:19:49,405 --> 00:19:54,323
That idea would suck a dick
just to cut in line
522
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:57,631
-to suck a bigger dick.
-Okay, Pam.
523
00:19:57,674 --> 00:19:59,633
[laughing]:
Oh, man.
524
00:19:59,676 --> 00:20:01,243
[exhales]
Thank you.
525
00:20:01,287 --> 00:20:02,853
I needed that.
526
00:20:02,897 --> 00:20:04,290
Yeah, well,
you know what I need?
527
00:20:04,333 --> 00:20:05,726
[coughs]
528
00:20:05,769 --> 00:20:07,815
Oh, my God, it's up to my mouth.
529
00:20:07,858 --> 00:20:11,035
W-Wait. Why isn't it
up to your mouth?
530
00:20:11,079 --> 00:20:12,515
-What?
-The quicksand.
531
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:13,516
Why aren't you sinking?
532
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,344
I can touch.
533
00:20:15,388 --> 00:20:17,346
-What?
-My feet are touching
the bottom.
534
00:20:17,390 --> 00:20:20,610
Then why didn't you
just walk out?!
535
00:20:20,654 --> 00:20:23,526
Well, I was going to,
then you started blubbering
536
00:20:23,570 --> 00:20:25,833
about how you wanted
to get married and shit and...
537
00:20:25,876 --> 00:20:27,965
Get your big ass out
of this goddamn quicksand
538
00:20:28,009 --> 00:20:29,837
and then get my ass out!
539
00:20:29,880 --> 00:20:32,622
-Okay, geez. Lighten up already.
-Hurry up!
540
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:35,277
You can't go through life
pissed off all the damn time.
541
00:20:35,321 --> 00:20:36,670
It'll give you ball cancer.
542
00:20:36,713 --> 00:20:40,282
I had an uncle once, Norm,
always pissed off and... whoops!
543
00:20:42,545 --> 00:20:44,634
ARCHER:
And?
544
00:20:44,678 --> 00:20:46,375
Um...
545
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,858
What happened to Norm?
546
00:20:50,901 --> 00:20:52,294
Let me guess.
547
00:20:52,338 --> 00:20:55,341
Did you annoy him to death?
548
00:21:14,229 --> 00:21:18,189
MAN:
Made in Georgia.
549
00:21:21,628 --> 00:21:24,152
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