Original subtitles

PAM: Okay, keep coming.

[moans]

Looking good.

Keep coming.

-Can I just take it off? -No.

Shut up. Keep coming.

Really not liking this.

Well, but once you see the surprise-- keep coming--

you're gonna forget all about being mad about the map.

That's what I'm saying: if the goal here is to un-piss me off--

-[barrel clatters] -Ow! What the...?

-Sorry. "Go left"? -Goddamn it.

Wait, hang on. Wait, wait, wait.

Wha...? What the...?

Ta-da!

What the actual goddamn shit?

Yeah, right? At first, I was like, "Pff,"

but then I was like "Eh."

-What'd you... What have you done? -Well, I used

all the ribs-- they were in pretty good shape--

the spans are the toughest bamboo I could find.

-I helped. -Shut up. Then, I covered 'em

with canvas sails and doped the whole thing up tighter

than Dick's hatband.

-Hey, whoa. -Dick's hatband?

-Dick's hatband?! -Yeah. I don't know.

-People say that. -Right?

You big dumb ox, you ruined her.

[crying]: But-but I thought you'd be happy.

Happy?

You thought I'd be happy?

-I ought to... -[plane whirring]

What the...?

[engine rumbling]

Come on, come on, come on.

Where are you?

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on, baby. Come on. You can do it.

Don't let him in the slot.

[rapid gunfire]

[Archer yelling]

Come on, you fat Russian pig.

[Archer screaming]

Goddamn it.

Mmm.

ARCHER: Son of a-- no.

No!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

[coughing]

Damn it. Goddamn it.

Eat a dick!

Wh-- was-- what was...

-[mumbling]: Was it... -PAM: Archer? Hey.

-Hey. -Huh?

Where'd you go, buddy?

Spain.

KRIEGER [laughing]: Oh, man.

Is Spain not the best?

Come on, tapas?

♪

Archer?

Archer. Hey. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Snap out of it, bub.

'Cause, uh, we got company.

Huh? Wh-What? Wait. Where am I?

Right here with me and Crackers.

-Ugh. -Hey.

Question is, where were you?

Pam, it was the damndest thing.

All of a sudden, I was back in Spain

getting shot down by that son of a bitch Ziegler.

-Yeah, so... -[man laughs]

-Which time? -ARCHER: [gasps] What the hell?

-PAM: Yeah, so, funny story. -Ziegler?

Hello, Archer. [scoffs] You're flying a garbage truck now?

No. I-- wait. How are you here?

It is an incredible coincidence, yeah?

Literally, incredible.

So does this place have a bar?

I owe you a drink; you have made me famous.

[all laughing]

[speaking German]

Yeah. [speaks German]

This means "the reverse ace."

Because in Spain, I shot him down five times.

-We know. -Plus, not to mention his eye.

-Then why did you? -[hums]: I don't know.

-And why the hell are you here? -Well, I...

I don't see how that concerns you, Hauptmann Ziegler.

[speaking German]

Oh, so, hey, Archer, please, let me buy you that drink, huh?

Come find me later.

Oh, don't worry. I'll find you.

[chuckles] Well, that would be a first.

Man, so the guy

who shot you down all those times--

shot your eyeball out-- he shows up

on the same teeny, tiny island halfway around the world?

I mean, what are the odds?

-Literally, zero. -Shut up, bird.

Eh.

-So, you okay? -Hmm?

Oh, [chuckles] yeah. No, I'm fine.

I'm good. I'm totally good. I'm, uh...

[shouts]

Damn it!

[chuckles] No. I am good. I'm great.

'Cause I'm gonna kill him.

MALORY: All right, missy.

We need to have a little talk.

Now I don't know what you studied

at whatever fancy-pants finishing school you went to.

-Finch. -What?

I went to Finch?

No one cares, but can I assume

they didn't teach you business management?

-I don't know. -Well, now you are a business,

in which I've made a major investment.

[scoffs] What? Bear claws and brandy?

And a roof over your head.

And so far, you're not

-making me any money. -Well, how can I?

Look at this place. There's hardly ever anybody in here.

MALORY: Well, what about him?

Did you ask him about a date?

-I asked them both. -Seriously?

Ugh. I'll try again after they finish that sherry.

I-I... I think she was on the fence.

[gasps] Wait. What about him?

MALORY: Oh, no.

He is strictly off-limits.

-And if I catch you sniffing around... -[glass breaking]

[shouting in German, laughing]

[speaks German]

[cheering]

What in the...?

-Uh, parlez-vouz francaise? -English.

Good. Better. 11 liters of beer, please.

Uh, the first round is on me.

[men cheering]

And then they pay for themselves!

[men booing]

Oh, do not listen to them.

Their pockets are stuffed with back pay.

And they have not seen a woman in months. Oof.

[clears throat]

Here. Take this down to the shop, and tell Mr. Wong

you want the biggest jar of coconut butter he's got.

Why?

Trust me.

PAM: Base a Rojo Tres.

Rojo Tres responde.

-[radio static] -Rojo Tres.

Rojo Tres.

God-- Archer?

ARCHER [on radio]: What?

PAM: You're Rojo Tres.

I thought I was Red Thr-- Oh.

-KRIEGER: Jesus Christ. -Shut up, bird.

PAM: No, you shut up.

And keep an eye peeled for that son of a bitch Ziegler.

-ZIEGLER [on radio]: Yeah. -Wha...?

He could be anywhere.

[Ziegler laughing]

Goddamn it, Ziegler. You...

ZIEGLER: [laughs] Adios, desayuno.

Ziegler!

[grunts]

[moaning, panting]

[moans]

Oh.

Ziegler.

[Cyril laughing]

CYRIL: It means "the brick maker."

Ziegler. This is a family name in German

for someone who makes bricks.

-LANA: Mm-hmm. -[laughs] But in this case,

it has also another meaning

because he turns enemy war planes into bricks.

Yeah. Other languages have puns, too.

But not as powerful as German puns.

-Shh. -And so, with Ziegler

and the other pilots providing

close air support to the new soldiers,

nothing-- not cannibals,

not those verdammtlizards can stop us

from finding the idol!

Keep your voice down.

If my father hears you, he'll cut your balls off.

[chuckles] Yeah. Right.

Like your bodyguards, huh?

-No. -Oh.

But until then, get back in here

and bring me some more...

Wiener schnitzel.

CYRIL: I, uh, still need a bit more time.

Still? Ugh, what is taking so long?

I must, uh, replenish my lebenskraft.

LANA: Still, though. Wait a minute.

You're not seeing someone else, are you?

Don't be foolish. [groaning]: Besides,

what other women even live on this gottverlasseneisland?

[laughing]

♪ It's a long way to Tipperary♪

♪ It's a long way to go...♪

What is the meaning of this?

The best I can tell-- it's about an Irishman

-learning about cunnilingus. -Quoi?

Oh, sorry. That's when...

-I know what it means! -Really?

I mean, these German soldiers--

they have invaded French territoire.

And my heart... if I'm being honest.

What?!

If these big lugs gamble and screw

as much as they drink, I could retire.

Well, you may be for sale, madame,

but the honor of France is not.

I shall place them all under arrest.

[men continue singing]

Viens,Doudou!

Well, bonne chancewith that.

-[laughing] -[singing continues]

Ah!

[men exclaiming, coughing]

Silence! Who is in charge here?

I think I am. Hauptmann Ziegler.

This island is French territory.

You and your men are here illegally.

Oh, but we are just here as tourists.

[laughter]

Well, then I hope you enjoy the tour of my jail,

because you are all under arrest.

-[overlapping chatter] -What? -No!

Come on. We are just some cool guys on leave,

and since France is so far away, and you are so outnumbered,

can't you also just be a cool guy?

-No. -Fair enough.

[speaking French]

-[piano playing] -♪ Way to Tipperary...♪

Tipperary. [scoffs]

It's a long way to the goddamn ground

in a tired-ass Russian biplane

when you lousy krauts are ripping around

in your brand-new goddamn Messerschmitts.

PAM: Okay, Archer,

keep an eye on your six this time.

Don't worry about me, Pam. Today's the day.

I can feel it. I'm gonna...

-Ziegler! -[cackling]

ZIEGLER [laughs]: Oh.

Oh. So now we're just camping?

[slurring]: Higher top speed, higher ceiling,

tighter turn, better rate of climb.

So, big whoop. You got a couple of kills.

It's easy when you sneak up on people!

PAM: So again, and I really can't stress this enough...

Don't worry about my six, Pam.

[laughing]: Nobody's gonna sneak up on me now.

-[plane approaching] -Oh...

Wait. Hang on.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-[glass breaking] -[shouts] Ziegler!

[slurring]: So drink up, Ziegler, you rat dick,

because your night cap is gonna be...

bullets.

First thing, I'm gonna shoot your eye out.

And then, your dick off.

And then...

-[metallic thudding] -[man groaning]

[groaning continues]

What the...?

-What are you doing? -What does it look like?!

Uh... a hermit crab?

Idiot! Get me out of here!

-I'm busy! -Wha...?

[piano music playing]

What the...?

-Oh, shoot! -Aw, man!

What the hell are you doing?!

Well, we know you're sad, so we're gonna surprise you

-with a kringle. -A what?

-Kringle. -Kringle.

-State pastry of Wisconsin? -Wisconsin has a state pastry?

-Kringle. -Kringle.

Stop staying "kringle"!

Okay. Geez.

But... what are you doing with your gun there?

I'm gonna go in there...

Actually, no. Wait.

You'regonna go in there,

and lure Ziegler in here. That's better.

And I'm gonna hide in the pantry,

and then I'm gonna bust out and shoot his eye out.

And then, his dick off.

And then... his brains.

-What?! -Yeah, you don't want to do that.

Yes, I do, Pam! An eye for an eye.

That's right in the goddamn Bible.

Yeah, but, come on. That was a fair fight.

It wasn't fair! I was in a biplane.

He was in a brand-new goddamn 109!

-Still, though. -Yeah, but you don't want to kill him like this.

-It's... it's chickenshit. -[sighs]

You're right.

Goddamn it, you're right!

And so... I'm sorry for this.

Sorry for-- oh!

-Oh, what the shit, man?! -[gun cocks]

-[gulps loudly] -Shut up, bird.

KRIEGER: Hey!

Hey, wake up! Come on. Rise and shine, Fritz.

-[snoring] -[sighs heavily]

-[squawks loudly] -[shrieks] Jesus, what?!

-What? -Easy, easy.

I'm supposed to give you this.

How is this bird talking?

Right?

[reading in German]

Oh. Scheisse!

-[flames roaring] -Nein! Nein!

Nein! Nein! Nein!

[speaking German] Schnell!

So, hey... [laughing]

What would a gal have to do to...?

-[door slams] -Jesus, rude much?!

I was gonna ask how to get a ride out of here

on one of their planes.

Yeah, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't be a talking bird.

Hey... [sniffing]

[sniffing]

[snoring]

There's a...

Was a... Where the...? Oh!

What the shit?!

ARCHER: Hey, sleepyhead.

-Glad you could join us. -Why the hell am I in a...?

Ow! Christ on a bike. My head kills.

[chuckles] Yeah, mine did, too, to be honest.

Little hairy dog?

No, I... Wait a minute. You hit me!

I lightly tapped you.

You piece of shit, you hit me!

-Only because you were right. -What?!

I was gonna shoot Ziegler. You may not remember this,

'cause you have a concussion,

but I was gonna shoot Ziegler, but you told me

that was chickenshit, and so,

now we're gonna settle it up here in a dogfight

in evenly matched planes, man-to-man.

-And woman! -Well,

yeah, I needed a tail gunner, so...

-Goddamn it! -And so now's probably

a good time to familiarize yourself with said gun.

Goddamn it!

'Cause if Crackers did what I told him to,

-it won't be long before... -ZIEGLER: Archer?!

Speak of the teufel...

Come on up, Ziegler. See what it's like to fight somebody

-fair and square... -[rapid gunfire]

-Aah! -Say your prayers, Archer.

This time I will put you down once and for all.

Pam, get your head out of your ass!

-Me?! -Your one job

is to shoot things coming at us from be...

-[rapid gunfire] -Oh, shit!

Son of a...

PAM: What was that?

ARCHER: Nothing.

[indistinct shouting]

MALLORY: I assume this was Sterling?

-Yup, yup, yup. -Mm-hmm.

-Putamierda! -Goddamn it!

ZIEGLER: [laughs] It doesn't matter

what you fly, Archer.

I will always beat you.

Oh, you couldn't beat...

Hang on. I had something for the...

-You want to save the quips? -It was pretty good.

-[rapid gunfire] -Oh, wait. So's that.

[laughs] How you like that, Ziegler?!

[laughs] Who taught you how to shoot?

-Your husband? -[Pam laughs]

-Will you shut up? -It was pretty good.

All right, Archer, I am bored with this and with you.

Get ready to die.

Aah!

Um... okay.

[both speaking German]

Nein! Nein! Nein! Nein!

[speaking German]

What the...?

ZIEGLER: Archer!

Wooohoohoohoooo!! [laughs]

Holy shit! Did you see that?!

-Yeah, I... -I must have hit his fuel tank.

-Wait. What? -Woohoo!

Million-to-one shot, but I did it.

I finally beat Ziegler.

Yeah. Way to go.

[laughing] Right?

So now what? Can't go back to the island now.

The krauts are gonna know this whole thing was you.

You think I didn't think of that? Don't worry.

I put Crackers on it.

What in the hell is going on here?!

Well? Someone had better tell me!

Uh, yeah, so, I was here earlier,

and I saw the whole thing, which was

Ziegler and the other guy-- Schnell--

who, come to find out, is his lover.

-[men exclaim] -Yeah.

So they stole the other two planes,

and set this one on fire so nobody could follow them

to Shanghai where they plan to open a cabaret,

the unfortunately named "Scandals."

[men exclaiming]

Ooh! Scandals! That sounds fun, huh?

[overlapping chatter in German]

[giggles] Hi, guys!

You're bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

I'm surprised you can even walk.

What? Oh, God. No.

They were all so drunk, they thought

that jar of coconut butter was, you know, me.

-[laughs] -Oh.

[gasps] Oh. Well,

as long as you charged everybody full price.

[chuckles] Right?

Then you should have a lot of money to give me?

Ugh. About that...

I've decided that from now on,

-I'm keeping all of it. -Excuse me?!

Yeah, because your cop buddy lives in a barrel now,

and this stupid island is under an occupying power,

all of whom are heavily armed,

and basically totally in love with me.

Fur dich, Fraulein!

Aw! Oh.

So go make me some goddamn breakfast.

-[engine sputtering] -ARCHER: Besides, getting back

to the island is, like, the one thing

-we don't have to worry about. -Yeah, exactly, so...

Wait. What?

[engine sputtering]

Damn it! Well, the good news is,

at least it's a seaplane, right?

-Well, I mean it was. -What?!

Goddamn it! Goddamn it if you...

Oh, shut up. Come on. If anybody can crash-land a plane,

it's me, right? Huh?

With all my experience? Pam?

Then get it over with!

Oh, okay. I guess just pout.

[wind whistling]

-Pam? -I am.

Okay, then here goes.

[Archer and Pam yelling]

[Archer groans]

[both yelling]

ARCHER: Woooohoohoooo!!

Bocadas de mierda!

And did you see that, Pam?!

Also perfect.

Who wins, huh? Archer wins.

Yeah. This is a win for you?

Not just for me, Pam.

For America.

And those hapless Spanish communists.

Well? So now what?

So now, since we've only got one flare,

I'm gonna shoot their leader with it,

and then, when the rest of them go into a feeding frenzy,

you and me are gonna make a run for it.

-What?! -[laughs] I'm kidding,

-you big dumb idiot. -[shoots flare]

[Pam sighs heavily]

-You know... -[Archer laughs]

MAN: Made in Georgia.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

ANNOUNCER: Will they survive Danger Island?

[crying] We are going to die up here.

-No, we're not! -Yeah. [chuckles] It's the ground that kills ya.

Thanks.

ANNOUNCER: Archer Danger Island.

All new, Wednesdays at 10:00. Only on FXX.