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1
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Archer Danger Island.
2
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♪
3
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PAM:
(sighs)
4
00:00:16,993 --> 00:00:19,028
He looks so peaceful,
doesn't he?
5
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Sometimes I wonder
if he's dreaming.
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But then I remember
I don't give a shit.
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-(blows whistle)
-(screams)
8
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-(screaming)
-What the...?
9
00:00:28,471 --> 00:00:30,106
-(woman screams)
-(Archer screams)
10
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-Who the hell are you?
-(Krieger screaming)
11
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(woman screaming)
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00:00:33,142 --> 00:00:34,644
-Shut the f...
-(blows whistle)
13
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-God...
-(woman and Archer scream)
14
00:00:36,346 --> 00:00:37,547
-Hey!
-(woman and Krieger screaming)
15
00:00:37,580 --> 00:00:38,715
Goddamn it!
16
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(gunshots)
17
00:00:40,317 --> 00:00:43,453
(woman crying)
18
00:00:43,486 --> 00:00:45,622
What is your problem?
19
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Patch. Patch.
Eye patch.
20
00:00:47,324 --> 00:00:48,625
What... Son of a...
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(crying continues)
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(scoffs)
Oh, thanks, lady.
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Hang on.
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Okay, there.
Sorry.
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00:00:55,832 --> 00:00:57,567
-(Krieger snickering)
-Shut up, bird.
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00:00:57,600 --> 00:00:59,068
Why are you in here, dummy?
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What...? Because
the frickin' fuel pump's
28
00:01:01,338 --> 00:01:02,805
still hinky
and we got that charter.
29
00:01:02,839 --> 00:01:05,575
-That's tomorrow.
-Ittomorrow.
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-I just said that.
-No, you...
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You've been drunk two days.
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Oh, right.
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So I guess that explains why
34
00:01:12,615 --> 00:01:14,351
you're here,
naked lady stranger.
35
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(crying)
36
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But why the hell are you crying?
37
00:01:17,520 --> 00:01:20,323
Buh... Buh...
Buh... Buh...
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00:01:20,357 --> 00:01:21,924
Buh-cause...
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(sloppy sniff)
40
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...it's my ho... ho... ho...
41
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honeymoon!
42
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(sobbing)
43
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We got married?
44
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-(chuckles)
Jesus Christ.
-(gasps)
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♪
46
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No, you idiot!
47
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I got married to my husband.
48
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This is my honeymoon!
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(chuckling)
Oh, thank God.
50
00:02:27,089 --> 00:02:29,559
-For a minute there, I...
-I remember drinking champagne
51
00:02:29,592 --> 00:02:32,261
in the bar,
and then Whitney went off
52
00:02:32,294 --> 00:02:33,896
to play roulette
in the back room...
53
00:02:33,930 --> 00:02:36,065
He just ditched you?
What a jerk.
54
00:02:36,098 --> 00:02:37,600
Yeah.
Plus: Whitney?
55
00:02:37,634 --> 00:02:40,102
But then it all goes
a bit fuzzy.
56
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-(jazz music playing)
-(patrons chattering)
57
00:02:41,604 --> 00:02:43,506
I think that patch
is sexy
58
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and I kinda want to put
my tongue in there.
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(belches)
Oh, okay.
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00:02:47,810 --> 00:02:50,246
Oh, my God!
What have I done?!
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00:02:50,279 --> 00:02:53,082
-Well, hopefully not that.
-(crying)
-(knocking in distance)
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-(doorknob rattling)
-MAN: Charlotte?!
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(gasps)
That's him!
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-Who's him?
-My husband!
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-Duh.
-Right?
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-(pounding on door)
-MAN: Answer me this instant!
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You have to hide me!
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00:03:00,890 --> 00:03:02,459
Uh, actually, I do not.
69
00:03:02,492 --> 00:03:03,760
Wh...? Are you...?
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00:03:03,793 --> 00:03:05,495
Ooh! Here!
Hide in here!
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-What the hell are you doing?
-(pounding on door)
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-MAN: Charlotte!
-Oh, come on, don't be a dick.
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(deep sigh)
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-What?
-Yes, I'm looking for my wife,
75
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Mrs. Charlotte Stratton?
Née Vandertunt?
76
00:03:18,975 --> 00:03:21,043
Redhead?
Kind of flibbertigibbity?
77
00:03:21,077 --> 00:03:23,145
Oh, why, yes,
as a matter of fact.
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Closet.
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-CHERYL: What?!
-Archer!
-CRACKERS: Come on, man...
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Charlotte!
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What are you doing?
You're ruining everything!
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00:03:29,586 --> 00:03:30,787
-(Charlotte screams)
-(Crackers squawks)
83
00:03:30,820 --> 00:03:32,288
Why the hell'd you do that?
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00:03:32,321 --> 00:03:33,556
What'd you think,
we're going to run away
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and live happily ever after?
86
00:03:35,024 --> 00:03:36,793
-(crashing in distance)
-I mean...
87
00:03:36,826 --> 00:03:38,795
How could I ever trust her?
88
00:03:38,828 --> 00:03:40,630
-(Charlotte screaming)
-(Crackers squawking)
-You know, plus she obviously
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-makes terrible decisions.
-I'll say.
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00:03:42,932 --> 00:03:44,333
-You'll say what?
-What?
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00:03:44,366 --> 00:03:45,968
Goddamn it, Manu.
If...
92
00:03:46,002 --> 00:03:47,804
-MALORY: Sterling!
-(chuckles)
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(groans)
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Mama wants you.
95
00:03:50,439 --> 00:03:51,674
Don't call her that!
96
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Oh, I would just murder that.
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-Me too.
-I meant sexually.
98
00:03:58,347 --> 00:03:59,849
I meant murder-ly.
99
00:03:59,882 --> 00:04:01,217
MALORY:
Sterling!
100
00:04:02,519 --> 00:04:04,120
What, Mother?
Jesus!
101
00:04:05,522 --> 00:04:07,657
What the hell
is wrong with you?
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Me? He's the one
calling you Mama.
103
00:04:10,359 --> 00:04:13,095
What?
No, not Manu, you ass.
104
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Shooting off a gun in my hotel!
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Oh. Oh, right, that.
106
00:04:17,066 --> 00:04:19,702
-Oh. No, there was a, uh, rat.
-Snake.
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00:04:19,736 --> 00:04:21,037
-Rat-snake.
-Snake-rat.
108
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-Goddamn it.
-Are you finished?
109
00:04:23,205 --> 00:04:25,675
-Yes.
-STRATTON:
Well, then, we are finished.
110
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-(door closes)
-(object shatters)
111
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And apparently
so are the Strattons.
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(Charlotte sobbing in distance)
113
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But then I don't suppose
you'd know anything about that.
114
00:04:34,216 --> 00:04:37,119
No, I was pretty busy
with the...
115
00:04:37,153 --> 00:04:38,287
-rat-snake.
-Snake-rat.
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00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:39,388
-Goddamn it!
-What?!
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(deep sigh)
118
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-Right?
-I swear to God,
119
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if you can't learn to keep
that thing in your pants...
120
00:04:46,095 --> 00:04:48,531
It was actually in a drawer.
121
00:04:48,565 --> 00:04:51,467
Then you're going to have to
find a new place to live.
122
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What...? Where else
can I live for free?
123
00:04:55,271 --> 00:04:57,373
Oh, what, is that your point?
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00:04:57,406 --> 00:05:00,409
My point is,
as the majority stakeholder
125
00:05:00,442 --> 00:05:04,313
in Archer Airways, I'd like to
see a return on my investment.
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00:05:04,346 --> 00:05:06,549
Uh, well, yeah, we all would.
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-Sterling!
-And we got a charter.
128
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-A what?
-STRATTON: A boat, you fool.
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I want a boat.
130
00:05:12,188 --> 00:05:14,757
Why, Mr. Stratton,
you're down early.
131
00:05:14,791 --> 00:05:16,225
Would you care
for some breakfast?
132
00:05:16,258 --> 00:05:17,560
Porridge.
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00:05:17,594 --> 00:05:18,995
Uh, I'm sorry?
134
00:05:19,028 --> 00:05:21,397
Save your breath
for cooling yours.
135
00:05:21,430 --> 00:05:22,732
(both chuckle)
136
00:05:22,765 --> 00:05:23,900
I want a boat to take me
out to the clipper,
137
00:05:23,933 --> 00:05:25,602
and I mean this instant.
138
00:05:25,635 --> 00:05:27,737
-But I don't understand.
Are you...?
-And you!
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00:05:27,770 --> 00:05:30,406
I have half a mind to give you
the worst beating of your life.
140
00:05:30,439 --> 00:05:33,242
All right, now.
You're obviously upset.
141
00:05:33,275 --> 00:05:34,944
Yeah, you're talking crazy.
142
00:05:34,977 --> 00:05:37,413
'Cause he's literally
had the shit beat out of him.
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-'Member?
-You know...
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00:05:38,781 --> 00:05:40,416
Well, then maybe
I'll just sue him
145
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for alienation of affection
146
00:05:42,118 --> 00:05:44,086
and prosecute you for...
147
00:05:44,120 --> 00:05:45,688
-pandering.
-What?!
148
00:05:45,722 --> 00:05:47,957
Yeah, I don't think
any money changed hands.
149
00:05:47,990 --> 00:05:50,426
-But if it did,
it would be mine.
-Well...
150
00:05:50,459 --> 00:05:52,862
Do you people think
this is some sort of joke?
151
00:05:52,895 --> 00:05:54,296
I will ruin you!
152
00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:55,932
Oh, all right.
153
00:05:55,965 --> 00:05:58,467
-Manu, call the tender.
-Yes, Mama.
154
00:05:58,500 --> 00:06:00,102
And quit calling her that!
155
00:06:00,136 --> 00:06:02,138
Why does it bother you so much?
156
00:06:02,171 --> 00:06:03,539
-(stifled laugh)
-Seriously?!
157
00:06:03,572 --> 00:06:05,141
Now, while you're waiting,
158
00:06:05,174 --> 00:06:07,109
perhaps you'd like
to settle your account?
159
00:06:07,143 --> 00:06:09,211
I really do not get
your sense of humor.
160
00:06:09,245 --> 00:06:11,881
If you think I'm paying for that
so-called honeymoon suite...
161
00:06:11,914 --> 00:06:14,116
No no, I was referring
to your marker
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from last night
at the roulette table.
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00:06:16,085 --> 00:06:17,453
(laughs)
164
00:06:17,486 --> 00:06:19,155
Oh, all right,
now that it is funny.
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00:06:19,188 --> 00:06:21,457
You want me to pay you
for what I lost
166
00:06:21,490 --> 00:06:23,292
in your illegal gambling den?
167
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-(laughs)
-(whistle blows)
168
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:26,796
(French accent):
Everyone out!
169
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This hotel is closed
until further notice!
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00:06:30,166 --> 00:06:32,635
How can you close me?
Upon what grounds?
171
00:06:32,669 --> 00:06:34,637
I am shocked, shocked, to find
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00:06:34,671 --> 00:06:37,006
-that gambling
is going on in here!
-Oh, for...
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Ha ha!
Not to mention adultery.
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00:06:39,341 --> 00:06:41,143
He seduced my wife.
Arrest him.
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00:06:41,177 --> 00:06:43,646
Monsieur, this is
French territory.
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00:06:43,680 --> 00:06:45,815
Of course adultery
is not illegal.
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00:06:45,848 --> 00:06:47,817
What about consensual buggery?
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00:06:47,850 --> 00:06:49,251
-(gasps)
-(clears throat)
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00:06:49,285 --> 00:06:50,787
Uh, asking for a buddy.
180
00:06:55,391 --> 00:06:58,327
MALORY:
All right, Reynaud,
cut the merde.
181
00:06:58,360 --> 00:06:59,929
What do you want?
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00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:02,665
Well, we can start with
my winnings from last night.
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00:07:02,699 --> 00:07:04,834
-Fair enough.
-STRATTON: I beg your...
184
00:07:04,867 --> 00:07:06,335
Now, just
a damn minute!
Merci.
185
00:07:06,368 --> 00:07:07,536
-What?!
-(Manu clears throat)
186
00:07:07,569 --> 00:07:09,839
-The tender is waiting.
-No! I demand that
187
00:07:09,872 --> 00:07:11,841
-you arrest her!
-You demand it?
188
00:07:11,874 --> 00:07:13,342
I most certainly...
189
00:07:13,375 --> 00:07:15,111
Doudou?
Aide monsieur a bord.
190
00:07:15,144 --> 00:07:16,345
STRATTON:
What...? No, I...
191
00:07:16,378 --> 00:07:18,280
Ow!
You people
192
00:07:18,314 --> 00:07:21,851
haven't heard the last
of Whitney Stratton IV!
193
00:07:21,884 --> 00:07:23,720
Oh, I bet we have.
194
00:07:23,753 --> 00:07:27,023
-Pastis?
-Mmm, un petit.
195
00:07:27,056 --> 00:07:28,891
And then you can explain to me
196
00:07:28,925 --> 00:07:31,360
why I hear gunshots
coming from your hotel.
197
00:07:31,393 --> 00:07:32,461
Sterling?
198
00:07:32,494 --> 00:07:33,696
Yeah, sorry.
199
00:07:33,730 --> 00:07:35,131
-There was a rat-snake.
-Snake-rat.
200
00:07:35,164 --> 00:07:36,365
-Pam!
-What?!
201
00:07:36,398 --> 00:07:38,400
Whatever the reason- idiots--
202
00:07:38,434 --> 00:07:40,469
I can assure you,
that was the last time
203
00:07:40,502 --> 00:07:42,138
-you're ever going to hear...
-(gunshot in distance)
204
00:07:42,171 --> 00:07:43,873
-(all gasp)
-(thump in distance)
205
00:07:43,906 --> 00:07:45,574
(deep sigh)
206
00:07:52,348 --> 00:07:53,315
(sniffs)
207
00:07:53,349 --> 00:07:54,350
Alors.
208
00:07:55,617 --> 00:07:57,153
What is wrong with you?
209
00:07:57,186 --> 00:07:59,655
-Me?
-(squawks) She's crazy.
210
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,390
-(gasps)
-I'm just trying
to calm her down, you know,
211
00:08:01,423 --> 00:08:03,425
doing my thing,
and then out of nowhere,
212
00:08:03,459 --> 00:08:06,395
the crazy broad grabs the gun
and tries to shoot me.
213
00:08:06,428 --> 00:08:07,764
Me, Crackers!
214
00:08:07,797 --> 00:08:09,832
Because why are you talking?!
215
00:08:09,866 --> 00:08:12,468
How can a bird be talking?!
216
00:08:14,036 --> 00:08:15,371
He is parrot.
217
00:08:16,638 --> 00:08:18,507
Actually, technically,
I'm a macaw,
218
00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,076
which is actually
a type of parrot,
219
00:08:20,109 --> 00:08:22,278
so I-I'm technically
a parrot, actually.
220
00:08:22,311 --> 00:08:23,579
But I mean, technically,
221
00:08:23,612 --> 00:08:25,181
-I'm, you know...
-Rambling?
222
00:08:25,214 --> 00:08:26,615
I almost died, woman!
223
00:08:26,648 --> 00:08:29,251
I know. Here, get
some of this down ya.
224
00:08:29,285 --> 00:08:30,519
I mean...
225
00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:33,189
(panting)
But... but how?
226
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:34,623
How can he do that?
227
00:08:34,656 --> 00:08:36,092
He's a parrot!
228
00:08:36,125 --> 00:08:37,526
-CRACKERS: Well...
-Shut up, bird.
229
00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:39,595
He talks.
That's just how it is.
230
00:08:39,628 --> 00:08:41,297
Don't make
a big thing out of it.
231
00:08:41,330 --> 00:08:43,132
Don't make a big thing
out of it?!
232
00:08:43,165 --> 00:08:44,266
See!
She just flips!
233
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:46,435
You destroyed my marriage.
234
00:08:46,468 --> 00:08:48,270
Hey, it takes two to tango.
235
00:08:48,304 --> 00:08:50,606
And obviously, you guys
already had some problems, so...
236
00:08:50,639 --> 00:08:52,374
You want to talk problems?!
237
00:08:52,408 --> 00:08:55,477
(gulps and exhales)
238
00:08:55,511 --> 00:08:56,645
Zut alors...
239
00:08:56,678 --> 00:08:58,314
My marriage is ruined.
240
00:08:58,347 --> 00:09:00,549
When my family finds out why,
241
00:09:00,582 --> 00:09:01,784
they will disown me.
242
00:09:01,818 --> 00:09:04,220
As will all of New York society.
243
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:06,823
I have no money,
no job, no skills,
244
00:09:06,856 --> 00:09:09,792
and no prospects,
and it's all your fault!
245
00:09:09,826 --> 00:09:11,828
And so right now,
the only thing I want
246
00:09:11,861 --> 00:09:13,896
in this world,
besides for you to die
247
00:09:13,930 --> 00:09:17,133
of some heretofore unknown
form of eyehole cancer,
248
00:09:17,166 --> 00:09:19,568
is to get off
this godforsaken island!
249
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:22,038
(boat-plane engine
roaring in distance)
250
00:09:31,047 --> 00:09:33,682
CHERYL:
And... when does it come back?
251
00:09:33,715 --> 00:09:35,517
Ahem. Two weeks?
252
00:09:35,551 --> 00:09:37,353
(sniffs)
And Whitney's on it?
253
00:09:37,386 --> 00:09:38,654
Mm-hmm.
254
00:09:38,687 --> 00:09:40,756
(crying)
255
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:43,259
Oh, come on now,
it's not that bad...
256
00:09:43,292 --> 00:09:45,561
He has my passport!
257
00:09:47,196 --> 00:09:48,831
What do you mean?!
258
00:09:48,865 --> 00:09:51,033
I mean just that,
it is impossible.
259
00:09:51,067 --> 00:09:53,502
To get a passport,
you have to go to the consulate
260
00:09:53,535 --> 00:09:55,171
in Papeete, on Tahiti.
261
00:09:55,204 --> 00:09:57,506
-Well, how far is that?
-As the crow flies?
262
00:09:57,539 --> 00:09:59,008
Ugh, crows.
263
00:09:59,041 --> 00:10:01,343
On the supply ship
it takes about a week.
264
00:10:01,377 --> 00:10:03,612
-A week?!
-It makes other stops.
265
00:10:03,645 --> 00:10:05,147
And it will be here in...
266
00:10:06,582 --> 00:10:07,783
one month.
267
00:10:07,816 --> 00:10:10,052
(sobbing)
268
00:10:13,923 --> 00:10:15,858
(sobbing continuing)
269
00:10:15,892 --> 00:10:18,727
Of course, it's only
three hours by plane.
270
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:22,531
Well, news flash, lady:
the plane just left!
271
00:10:22,564 --> 00:10:25,301
Yeah, so, air travel's not
really an option here, Mother.
272
00:10:25,334 --> 00:10:27,736
(gasps)
Well, now, wait a minute...
273
00:10:27,769 --> 00:10:29,638
-Mother...
-Sterling, dear,
274
00:10:29,671 --> 00:10:31,407
couldn't you just
take her in your plane?
275
00:10:31,440 --> 00:10:32,408
(groans)
276
00:10:32,441 --> 00:10:34,410
-Your what?
-Hey, yeah!
277
00:10:34,443 --> 00:10:36,745
No, actually, Mother, I can't.
278
00:10:36,778 --> 00:10:38,380
Well, why ever not?
279
00:10:38,414 --> 00:10:41,550
Because!
Uh, because...
280
00:10:41,583 --> 00:10:43,219
Presumably...
281
00:10:43,252 --> 00:10:46,655
because you can't tell time.
282
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:50,226
Her royal highness,
Princess Lanaluakalani.
283
00:10:50,259 --> 00:10:52,094
Latou te iloa.
284
00:10:52,128 --> 00:10:53,562
Votre Altesse.
285
00:10:53,595 --> 00:10:55,564
Ah, Capitaine Reynaud.
286
00:10:55,597 --> 00:10:58,100
Et pourquoi
me parles-tu en français?
287
00:10:58,134 --> 00:11:02,071
Parce que la langue officielle
de Mitimotu est français.
288
00:11:02,104 --> 00:11:04,573
Oui, en ce moment.
289
00:11:04,606 --> 00:11:07,243
Now, can someone
please explain to me
290
00:11:07,276 --> 00:11:10,112
why Mr. Fuchs and I
aren't sipping champagne
291
00:11:10,146 --> 00:11:11,948
in the plane I chartered?
292
00:11:11,981 --> 00:11:14,416
-Uh, well...
-For one thing,
we don't do that.
293
00:11:14,450 --> 00:11:17,253
-And secondly, Fuchs?
-Yeah?
294
00:11:17,286 --> 00:11:19,255
Well, we could, and we're
happy to, Your Highness.
295
00:11:19,288 --> 00:11:21,690
Or-or even...
I-I bet we could even
296
00:11:21,723 --> 00:11:23,759
mix you up some Bellinis.
297
00:11:23,792 --> 00:11:25,461
-We have fresh peaches?
-No.
298
00:11:25,494 --> 00:11:27,763
Then shut up!
The point is, Your Highness,
299
00:11:27,796 --> 00:11:29,131
my plane is your plane.
300
00:11:29,165 --> 00:11:30,432
Well, then...
301
00:11:30,466 --> 00:11:32,434
What?! I don't care
who you are, lady,
302
00:11:32,468 --> 00:11:34,103
I've got dibs on that plane.
303
00:11:34,136 --> 00:11:35,637
(clears throat)
304
00:11:35,671 --> 00:11:36,672
Reynaud?
305
00:11:37,974 --> 00:11:39,275
RAY:
I'm very sorry, madame,
306
00:11:39,308 --> 00:11:42,378
but we have strict law
against vagrancy,
307
00:11:42,411 --> 00:11:43,946
and you have no money.
308
00:11:43,980 --> 00:11:45,314
(grunting)
309
00:11:45,347 --> 00:11:47,283
Alors, for your dinner,
310
00:11:47,316 --> 00:11:48,650
one turnip.
311
00:11:48,684 --> 00:11:50,486
LANA:
You must be kidding.
312
00:11:53,689 --> 00:11:55,457
Are you sure this thing can fly?
313
00:11:55,491 --> 00:11:57,793
Oh, don't worry
about ol' Lucy Goosey.
314
00:11:57,826 --> 00:11:59,228
She may not look like much,
315
00:11:59,261 --> 00:12:01,897
but that's...
316
00:12:01,930 --> 00:12:03,299
...mainly cosmetic.
317
00:12:03,332 --> 00:12:04,833
-Well, except for the fue...
-Flaps!
318
00:12:04,866 --> 00:12:06,835
-I just...
-Flaps, goddamn it, flaps!
319
00:12:06,868 --> 00:12:08,904
Okay, Your Highness,
as you requested,
320
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,307
we'll be making a big loop
around the island,
321
00:12:11,340 --> 00:12:13,209
so just sit back and relax.
322
00:12:15,011 --> 00:12:17,146
That is physically impossible.
323
00:12:17,179 --> 00:12:19,815
(German accent): Uh, ja,
this is not a good airplane.
324
00:12:19,848 --> 00:12:22,351
I hope it at least
has parachutes.
325
00:12:22,384 --> 00:12:24,320
There's actually
only three, so...
326
00:12:24,353 --> 00:12:25,487
-(yelps)
-Gott im Himmel!
327
00:12:25,521 --> 00:12:28,290
Oh, yes, I talk.
Get over it.
328
00:12:38,967 --> 00:12:42,704
(jazz music playing)
329
00:12:42,738 --> 00:12:44,840
ARCHER:
No, Your Highness, I just meant
330
00:12:44,873 --> 00:12:46,842
it's kinda weird, though, right?
331
00:12:46,875 --> 00:12:48,844
I think he's just
reacting to the music.
332
00:12:48,877 --> 00:12:51,280
Thanks, you just
defined dancing.
333
00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:52,881
Shut up, bird.
334
00:12:52,914 --> 00:12:54,683
No, I mean,
it's not a big island,
335
00:12:54,716 --> 00:12:56,852
so the fact we've never even
run into each other--
336
00:12:56,885 --> 00:12:58,187
kind of weird, right?
337
00:12:58,220 --> 00:13:00,356
No.
And should you...
338
00:13:00,389 --> 00:13:02,391
be drinking?
339
00:13:03,392 --> 00:13:04,560
-Yes.
-I...
340
00:13:04,593 --> 00:13:06,062
So what's your story, Fuchs?
341
00:13:06,095 --> 00:13:07,796
What brings you
out here to Mitimotu?
342
00:13:07,829 --> 00:13:10,566
-Er, uh, well, er...
-Breadfruit.
343
00:13:10,599 --> 00:13:13,369
Oh, ja!
I will make a plantation.
344
00:13:13,402 --> 00:13:14,803
A plantation?
Where?
345
00:13:14,836 --> 00:13:16,538
Down there.
On the island.
346
00:13:16,572 --> 00:13:18,474
Creating many jobs
for our people.
347
00:13:18,507 --> 00:13:21,543
(chuckling) As what--
artisanal coffin builders?
348
00:13:21,577 --> 00:13:23,045
-Was?
-Nothing.
349
00:13:23,079 --> 00:13:24,413
Nothing but danger.
350
00:13:24,446 --> 00:13:27,049
That jungle's stuffed
to the tits with quicksand,
351
00:13:27,083 --> 00:13:29,751
ferocious baboons,
poisonous snakes...
352
00:13:29,785 --> 00:13:31,220
Poisonous frogs.
353
00:13:31,253 --> 00:13:33,055
The frogs are poisonous?
354
00:13:33,089 --> 00:13:35,157
-Mildly.
-Insanely. I mean,
355
00:13:35,191 --> 00:13:37,659
you get hit by a dart
slathered with frog poison...?
356
00:13:37,693 --> 00:13:39,495
-Will you...?
-A dart? From where?
357
00:13:39,528 --> 00:13:40,996
-The cannibals.
-Please!
358
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:42,498
-What cannibals?!
-The...
359
00:13:42,531 --> 00:13:44,566
The Mua Mua!
Man, they are...
360
00:13:44,600 --> 00:13:46,435
Simply a small native tribe
361
00:13:46,468 --> 00:13:48,104
that has had
very limited experience
362
00:13:48,137 --> 00:13:50,206
with people
from the outside world.
363
00:13:52,941 --> 00:13:54,410
-Except as food.
-If you...
364
00:13:54,443 --> 00:13:55,911
Although, compared
to the dragons...
365
00:13:55,944 --> 00:13:57,246
What dragons?!
366
00:13:57,279 --> 00:13:58,947
Oh, they're just
extremely big lizards.
367
00:13:58,980 --> 00:14:01,083
You told me
none of these dangers!
368
00:14:01,117 --> 00:14:02,851
Because the dangers...
369
00:14:02,884 --> 00:14:06,021
aren't that dangerous.
And if Mister...
370
00:14:06,054 --> 00:14:07,589
-PAM: Archer!
-Thank you. If Mister...
371
00:14:07,623 --> 00:14:08,624
PAM:
No, Archer, come here!
372
00:14:08,657 --> 00:14:09,858
Like, now!
373
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:12,428
-What's happening?
-Is there a problem?
374
00:14:12,461 --> 00:14:13,629
(chuckles):
No.
375
00:14:15,964 --> 00:14:17,366
What is your problem?
376
00:14:17,399 --> 00:14:18,867
It's not my problem,
it's Lucy's!
377
00:14:18,900 --> 00:14:20,536
Her fuel pressure's dropping!
378
00:14:20,569 --> 00:14:22,104
Son of a...
379
00:14:22,138 --> 00:14:23,705
Why do you always do this?
380
00:14:23,739 --> 00:14:25,541
I mean, I finally
meet someone I might like,
381
00:14:25,574 --> 00:14:27,609
we're having fun,
getting to know each other,
382
00:14:27,643 --> 00:14:30,646
I'm being
super charming, but no,
383
00:14:30,679 --> 00:14:32,614
I'm not allowed to be happy
384
00:14:32,648 --> 00:14:35,451
because you're
a big, jealous baby!
385
00:14:35,484 --> 00:14:37,553
Oh.
You're talking to me?
386
00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:39,721
-Who else is there?!
-The fuel pump.
387
00:14:39,755 --> 00:14:41,523
Oh, right.
Okay, I've got a plan.
388
00:14:44,860 --> 00:14:46,628
PAM:
I'm all ears.
389
00:14:46,662 --> 00:14:48,297
-What is wrong?
-Was ist los?!
390
00:14:48,330 --> 00:14:50,132
ARCHER:
Nothing, all good.
Have some bubbles.
391
00:14:50,166 --> 00:14:51,567
Feather props!
392
00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:52,968
Feather one!
Feather two!
393
00:14:53,001 --> 00:14:54,170
FUCHS:
Nein! Let me go!
394
00:14:54,203 --> 00:14:55,637
Okay, now let me see if we...
395
00:14:55,671 --> 00:14:58,307
-We are going to die up here!
-No, we're not!
396
00:14:58,340 --> 00:15:00,309
Yeah, it's the ground
that kills ya.
397
00:15:00,342 --> 00:15:01,677
-Thanks.
-Eh.
398
00:15:01,710 --> 00:15:03,979
But how can we fly
with no engines?!
399
00:15:04,012 --> 00:15:05,514
The same way a bird does...
400
00:15:05,547 --> 00:15:06,982
Flapping around
with hollow bones?
401
00:15:07,015 --> 00:15:08,284
ARCHER:
Shut up, bird!
402
00:15:08,317 --> 00:15:10,819
We're gonna glide
right into a smooth landing.
403
00:15:10,852 --> 00:15:13,155
Where?!
The island has no runway!
404
00:15:13,189 --> 00:15:15,257
The ocean is the runway.
405
00:15:15,291 --> 00:15:16,692
But...
(startled yelp)
406
00:15:16,725 --> 00:15:18,927
ARCHER:
Wh...? No, no, no, no, no, no!
407
00:15:18,960 --> 00:15:20,662
PAM:
Well, it was.
408
00:15:20,696 --> 00:15:22,164
Goddamn it, Fuchs!
409
00:15:22,198 --> 00:15:23,865
Ach!
Why would someone put
410
00:15:23,899 --> 00:15:25,701
the landing gear control there?!
411
00:15:25,734 --> 00:15:27,669
Because they didn't know
you're an asshole?
412
00:15:27,703 --> 00:15:29,371
-Get 'em up!
-Love to...
413
00:15:29,405 --> 00:15:31,773
-But...
-Goddamn it!
414
00:15:31,807 --> 00:15:34,009
-What?!
-We can't land on the water
415
00:15:34,042 --> 00:15:36,345
if the frickin' wheels are down!
416
00:15:36,378 --> 00:15:38,347
And if there is no runway...
417
00:15:38,380 --> 00:15:40,282
Oof! What are you doing?
418
00:15:40,316 --> 00:15:42,351
-CYRIL: Parachutes!
-(Krieger squawks)
419
00:15:42,384 --> 00:15:44,520
CYRIL:
(exclaims) Where
are the parachutes?!
420
00:15:44,553 --> 00:15:45,854
Oh, for the...
Pussy!
421
00:15:45,887 --> 00:15:47,022
No, he's right!
422
00:15:47,055 --> 00:15:48,557
-What?
-FUCHS: Ah-ha!
423
00:15:48,590 --> 00:15:51,026
-You all gotta bail out!
-Oka atua!
424
00:15:51,059 --> 00:15:54,196
Go on! I'll get us over land,
you get the princess in a chute,
425
00:15:54,230 --> 00:15:56,232
get her down safe,
and get her home safe!
426
00:15:56,265 --> 00:15:58,534
-What about you?!
-I'll try to bring Lucy down
427
00:15:58,567 --> 00:16:01,036
easy in the water.
Go on, I'll be fine!
428
00:16:01,069 --> 00:16:04,273
-No, you won't!
-Just go, you big dumb ox!
429
00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:07,643
Wow.
430
00:16:07,676 --> 00:16:10,712
Okay, let's go, Your Fanciness.
431
00:16:10,746 --> 00:16:12,381
Vater Unser im Himmel,
432
00:16:12,414 --> 00:16:13,815
geheiligt werde dein Name...
433
00:16:13,849 --> 00:16:15,551
Better pray
I don't kick your ass...
434
00:16:15,584 --> 00:16:17,719
-What do we do?
What do we do?
-Well, the first thing
435
00:16:17,753 --> 00:16:19,655
you want to do
is take some deep breaths.
436
00:16:19,688 --> 00:16:21,257
While you help her put that on.
437
00:16:21,290 --> 00:16:22,891
You help her!
I am getting...
438
00:16:22,924 --> 00:16:24,726
Ow!
439
00:16:24,760 --> 00:16:26,928
Your fists are like...
440
00:16:26,962 --> 00:16:28,264
Dosenschinken!
441
00:16:28,297 --> 00:16:29,731
(chuckles)
Yeah, I get that a lot.
442
00:16:29,765 --> 00:16:31,567
Hey! We don't have
all day here!
443
00:16:31,600 --> 00:16:33,402
Once we get below
a thousand feet,
444
00:16:33,435 --> 00:16:35,604
those chutes are
basically just laundry!
445
00:16:35,637 --> 00:16:37,906
PAM:
Hang on, we're almost ready!
446
00:16:37,939 --> 00:16:39,508
Will you hurry up?!
447
00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:40,842
Will you shut up?!
448
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:42,744
-There! Happy?
-Not really!
449
00:16:42,778 --> 00:16:45,247
Okay, you two! Jesus!
450
00:16:45,281 --> 00:16:46,948
You can bitch on the way down.
451
00:16:46,982 --> 00:16:48,417
What is all that for?!
452
00:16:48,450 --> 00:16:49,951
-Protection.
-(cocks gun)
453
00:16:49,985 --> 00:16:51,453
We weren't kidding
about that jungle.
454
00:16:51,487 --> 00:16:53,088
ARCHER:
Come on, Pam, it's now or never!
455
00:16:53,121 --> 00:16:55,957
Let's go, people!
Move! Move! Move!
456
00:16:59,995 --> 00:17:03,932
(Fuchs and Lanaluakalani
screaming)
457
00:17:03,965 --> 00:17:05,434
(grunts)
458
00:17:05,467 --> 00:17:06,435
(grunts)
459
00:17:06,468 --> 00:17:09,037
PAM:
Ow, my twat!
460
00:17:09,070 --> 00:17:10,706
Good luck.
461
00:17:10,739 --> 00:17:12,274
Except for you, Fuchs.
462
00:17:12,308 --> 00:17:14,042
I hope you wind up as an entree.
463
00:17:14,075 --> 00:17:17,379
Hey, Crackers?
Crackers, come here, buddy!
464
00:17:17,413 --> 00:17:20,449
-Okay, so listen...
-Yeah, not great, huh?
465
00:17:20,482 --> 00:17:22,784
No, no, not great.
I'm gonna do the best I can,
466
00:17:22,818 --> 00:17:24,219
but we're gonna
hit the water pretty hard,
467
00:17:24,252 --> 00:17:26,388
probably even flip over.
468
00:17:26,422 --> 00:17:29,458
-Mm-hmm.
-But there's a bunch of life
jackets in the storage locker,
469
00:17:29,491 --> 00:17:32,961
so I want you to get in there
and hunker down, okay, buddy?
470
00:17:32,994 --> 00:17:35,163
Hopefully that'll
cushion the impact.
471
00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:39,301
Oh. You're talking to me.
472
00:17:39,335 --> 00:17:40,969
Wh...?
Who else would I be...?
473
00:17:41,002 --> 00:17:42,904
-Oh.
-Yeah.
474
00:17:42,938 --> 00:17:44,806
You can fly.
Yeah.
475
00:17:44,840 --> 00:17:46,842
So you're outta here.
476
00:17:46,875 --> 00:17:48,844
Is that weird?
I mean...
477
00:17:48,877 --> 00:17:51,246
Well, yeah, obviously
it's weird if you make it weird.
478
00:17:51,279 --> 00:17:52,748
Okay, you know what?!
479
00:17:52,781 --> 00:17:55,751
-(Archer grunting)
-(Krieger squawking)
480
00:17:55,784 --> 00:17:58,354
Asshole!
481
00:18:00,221 --> 00:18:02,090
Yeah, I'm the asshole.
482
00:18:02,123 --> 00:18:04,826
(grunting)
Okay, Lucy, here we go!
483
00:18:04,860 --> 00:18:06,027
(groaning)
484
00:18:08,229 --> 00:18:10,198
Aah!
485
00:18:12,968 --> 00:18:16,237
ANNOUNCER: Next time
on Archer: Danger Island...
486
00:18:17,373 --> 00:18:18,707
Aah!
487
00:18:21,209 --> 00:18:23,044
Fuel pump piece of shit!
488
00:18:27,315 --> 00:18:29,017
Oh.
489
00:18:29,050 --> 00:18:31,620
(laughs)
Woooohoohoohoooo!!
490
00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:33,622
Now who's the asshole?
491
00:18:33,655 --> 00:18:36,892
Stupid bird.
492
00:18:36,925 --> 00:18:38,894
♪
493
00:19:05,020 --> 00:19:08,289
MAN:
Made in Georgia.
494
00:19:12,961 --> 00:19:14,896
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
495
00:19:18,099 --> 00:19:20,902
ANNOUNCER:
Will they survive Danger Island?
496
00:19:20,936 --> 00:19:23,004
(crying)
We are going to die
up here.
497
00:19:23,038 --> 00:19:25,340
-No, we're not!
-Yeah. (chuckles)
It's the ground that kills ya.
498
00:19:25,373 --> 00:19:26,708
Thanks.
499
00:19:26,742 --> 00:19:28,444
ANNOUNCER:
Archer Danger Island.
500
00:19:28,477 --> 00:19:31,547
All new, Wednesdays at 10:00.
Only on FXX.
34842
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