Original subtitles

[***]

Okay, one time Randy Beaman knew this creepy guy.

And Randy Beaman says to him, "Get lost."

And so he did.

And then nobody ever found the guy.

It's true. Okay, bye.

* It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax You'll laugh till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join the Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

*We've got wisecracks By the stacks *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain Who want to rule the universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

*We're zany to the max There's bologna in our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Here's the show's name-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

[***]

[ALL SNORING]

[POUNDING ON DOOR]

* Wake up, it's late It's 20 minutes after 8 *

* Everyone, get up It's time to go *

* Up and at 'em now Come on, shake a leg *

* Have some juice And scrambled egg *

* On the floor and out the door Let's get on our way *

* Hey, watch out *

* What's the matter? *

* You almost knocked me Off the ladder *

* No, I didn't *

* Yes, you did I almost fell *

* Don't exaggerate * * I'm not *

* Yeah, right *

* Are you trying to pick a fight? *

* Will you get out of My face? *

* You're always in My space *

* Hey, get off Each other's case *

* Because we're trying To get along *

* I want pancakes or a waffle This tastes awful *

* Is that all We've got? *

* Can't find my clothes And I need to blow my nose *

* And my socks are full of holes And my shoelace has a knot *

* That's My toothbrush *

* No, it's not *

* It's sitting in my slot *

* No, it isn't *

* This is mine and That one's yours *

* Well you're standing In my way * * That's tough *

* All right, that's enough *

* Everybody, get your stuff *

* Because we're going Out the door *

* Every time we get into the car It's so much work *

* It takes us 20 minutes *

* While you're driving me Berserk *

* With your playing And your jumping *

* And your running All about *

* When I finally get you inside You always lock me out *

* I'm mad, I'm mad I'm really, really, really mad *

* You poked me with your elbow In my side *

* No, I didn't *

* Yes, you did, you did And I'm just a little kid *

* You're lying Don't deny it *

* Oh, I'm gonna hit you *

* Yeah, just try it *

* Will both of you be quiet *

* 'Cause we're driving In a car *

* Ow, he hit me *

* Ow, she bit me *

* He said he's Gonna get me *

* No, I didn't * * Yes, you did *

* All right, that's it Now I forbid *

*Either one of you to say Another word *

* Are we there yet? I'm tired *

* I'm hungry How far? *

* My nose is snotty Need to move my body *

* Gotta use the potty Better stop the car *

* Stop it * * No, you stop it *

* Why can't you both Just drop it? *

* He started it *

* Oh, yeah, I'm really Sure, uh-huh * * Nuh-uh *

* It's your fault *

* No, it's not Your leg is in my spot *

* Yakko, you be quiet And that goes for you too, Dot *

[HORN HONKS]

* Every time we take a trip It's always just the same *

* With the fighting And the biting *

* And the calling All those names *

* There's pushing and shoving There's scratching on the neck *

* When we finally get to Where we're going *

* Everyone's a wreck *

[ALL HUMMING]

* I'm mad, I'm mad * * Are we there yet? *

* I'm really, really mad * * I'm tired *

* You poked me with your elbow In my side * * No, I didn't *

* You did, you did * * Nose is snotty *

* I'm just a little kid * * Need to move my body *

* Would both of you be quiet 'Cause were driving in a car *

[***]

* We're here We're here *

* Doesn't anybody Want to give a cheer? *

* You mean, this is where We're all gonna spend the day? *

* At the circus? *

* Hey, guys, look They got rides *

* Now you're satisfied? *

* All right, everyone inside And let's have some fun, okay? *

[WARNERS CHEERING]

* I'm glad I'm glad *

* What a really great time We had *

* See, those lions And those tigers *

* Weren't they neat? *

* Are you happy now? *

* We are Thanks a lot *

* I'm sorry That we fought *

* From now on I'll get along *

* That's all right, Dot I was wrong *

* Ah, that's nice Now, come along *

* Let's all get In the car *

* You can take the seat you like You're always so gallant *

* Ah, thank you, Dot But ladies first *

* You take the seat You want *

* Everybody's happy now We've had a real good day *

* And now it's time to Go back home *

* So let's be On our way *

DOT: You hit me.

YAKKO: No, I didn't.

Yes, you did. Stop it! No, you stop it.

Move your leg. No, you move your leg.

You started it. No, I didn't. You did.

No, I didn't, you did.

Don't you cross that line. This is the line right here.

Oh, yeah? Since when?

Get out of my face.

[BOTH TALKING AT SAME TIME]

NARRATOR: It's Mime Time.

Today on Mime Time:

finding an imaginary coin.

[***]

The end.

[***]

[***]

NARRATOR: Did you ever have one of those days?

You know, you get up... [YAWNS]

...on the wrong side of the roost.

You have to skip breakfast.

[GROANS]

You can't find a perching space.

And by the time you get where you're going,

you're in a pretty bad mood.

Bobby was having one of those days.

Hey, Bobby, old buddy, old pal.

Hi, Bobby. How's it going?

Get lost.

I don't need no aggravation, so take a flight.

You in a bad mood, Bobby?

Why? Do I look like I'm in a bad mood? [GULPS]

I don't know. Maybe you look like you're in a bad mood.

So, what if I am? Big deal!

What's it to you?!

Go flap yourselves unconscious.

[COOS]

Nothing worse than when Bobby gets the depressives.

Know the best way to get rid of the bad mood blues?

Sure. I keep eating until I look like Gary Busey.

That's the dingiest idea you ever uttered, Squit.

The only way to get rid of the bad mood blues is to laugh.

"Ipso factoto," we make Bobby laugh.

You with me on this?

Sure, Pesto, whatever you say. You're the boss.

What's that supposed to mean?

I'm just saying you're the boss.

The boss? What? Are you saying that I am Tony Danza?

Is that what you're saying?

No, no, that's not what I'm saying.

Oh. So what you are saying...

is that I am Bruce Springsteen

here to wear a red bandana and sing "Born In The U.S.A."?

Is that what you're saying?

No, I'm not saying that.

You're saying that I am the boss.

Yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying.

That's it! I'll give you

a boss, you big tutti-frutti! Pesto, knock it off.

Take that, you swaybacked, wingtip peckarooni!

Come on, I need those feathers, Pesto.

Come on, lay off...

[***]

[BIKE BELL RINGS]

Laughter is contagious, Squit.

So l laugh, you laugh, he laughs.

Get it? Got it.

Fine.

Ha-ha.

Look at that bird.

Funny-looking, ain't he, Bobby?

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Whoa!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

You still in a bad mood, Bobby?

[CRACKLING]

I'll take that as a yes.

Whoa!

[DISTANT CRASH]

Mowww!

Mamma mia, tutta famiglia. What a day am I having.

[***]

Feta fedelini. What a melancholy birdie.

We gotta do something drastic. [SNAPS]

Squit, I want you should sneak up on him,

grab him, and hold him while I tickle him.

He'll annihilate me.

He don't, I will!

Don't make a move, Bobby. It's not me, Squit. [GRUNTING]

It's, uh, some seedy sparrow come to beak you out,

so don't look around.

Squit, I'm gonna whack you to Hong Kong,

you don't let go of my wings.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

[LAUGHS, ALL SCREAM]

[***]

[SIGHS]

[DRUMMING CAN]

Hey. How you all doing?

I tell you, a funny thing happened to me

on the way out here to Hoboken.

I got hit by a train.

[PLAYS RIMSHOT]

You know what was on my mind at the time?

My tail feathers.

[LAUGHS, RIMSHOT]

Oh. Knock off the bad jokes, Pesto.

You think these jokes are bad?

Then you should have been here yesterday.

I was out of town. [LAUGHS]

[PLAYS RIMSHOT]

I met an elephant the other day,

and I knew he was from Tuscaloosa.

Why? Because his tusk was loosa.

[PLAYS RIMSHOT] [LAUGHING]

[GRUNTS]

[BONES CRACK]

You two give me any more agita today,

and I'm gonna cream you like corn.

The Godpigeon.

[KISSING FEET TWICE]

[KISSES]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

The Godpigeon says he wants that I should cheer up.

Things could be worse.

I could be molting.

[LAUGHS]

Molting? That don't happen.

Pigeons do not molt.

Aah! I molted!

Ha-ha-ha. You're bald as an egg, Pesto.

A big, beaking bald-o.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

You think I am funny?

No. I think you're in a bad mood.

I'll give you a bad mood! Upside the head!

Pesto, come on. No, no.

I'll make gravy out of your beakbone,

you big sack of garbanzo beans!

Giamelli! Gorgonzola!

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, I'm in a good mood now.

[LAUGHING]

[***]

Okay. One time Randy Beaman

had to take baths with his brother.

So one time his little brother took a potty in the bathtub.

And now Randy Beaman gets to take showers by himself.

[GLASS BREAKS]

Okay, bye.

[***]

MOM: Katie. Oh, Katie, darling.

Coming, mom. Hello, wonderful family.

Well, hi there, princess.

Don't you look lovely for your date with Jared.

It's not a date, Mom. It's a study group.

My mistake.

What's that on your face?

A pimple?

[GASPS]

[GROWLING]

Oh, dear. Here we go again.

Hit the dirt!

[GASPS]

Incoming!

[ANGRILY] I have a pimple. I have a pimple.

[DEMONIC VOICE] I have a pimple!

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

It's only a small blemish.

Nothing to get excited over.

[DEMONIC VOICE] Nothing?

You call this nothing?

Uh, i-- It's just that we don't want you to g-g-get upset.

[GROWLING]

You think everything I do is wrong!

Hello, 911? Hormonal teenager losing it on Oak Tree Lane.

Send reinforcements.

Send reinforcements.

[***]

Remodeling, huh?

Um, is Katie ready for study group?

Okay. I'm ready. Let's go.

Your family's nice.

They have their moments.

She'll grow out of it. Won't she?

* Her family knows that Anytime soon *

* Their little lady Katie Goes...kaboom *

NARRATOR: It's time for another Good idea, Bad idea.

Good idea:

tossing a penny into a fountain to make a wish.

Bad idea:

tossing your cousin Penny into a fountain to make a wish.

Good idea:

giving your dog a bath.

Bad idea:

having your dog dry-cleaned.

Good idea:

playing horsy with your little sister.

Bad idea:

playing horsy with your Aunt Bertha.

Good idea:

throwing a surprise party for your father.

ALL: Surprise!

Bad idea:

throwing a surprise party for your grandfather.

ALL: Surprise! [GASPS]

Good idea:

playing cops and robbers in the park.

Bad idea:

playing cops and robbers in the bank.

[GUNS COCK]

Good idea:

playing catch with your grandfather.

Bad idea:

playing catch with your grandfather.

Good idea:

playing the scales on a piano. [CRACKS KNUCKLES]

[PLAYS]

Bad idea:

[CRACKS KNUCKLES] playing the scales on a fish.

[GROWLS]

The end.

Know what? Okay.

One time Randy Beaman ate some corn flakes.

But it wasn't corn flakes.

It was his brother's scab collection.

Okay, bye.

[***]

[***]

Ladies and gentlemen...

let's get ready to stumble!

This is the main event.

Welcome to the Quarrelmania pro wrestling

championship of the world!

[GIGGLES] Ooh.

This is going to be a real slamfest.

Take those off.

No. We don't want anyone to see us here.

It's embarrassing.

[GROWLS]

[ALL GASP]

In this corner...

Ironhead McCann!

[CROWD BOOING]

Boo! Get out of the ring, you bum!

And his opponent,

champion of the world,

the Belgian behemoth, Lardo!

[CROWD CHEERING]

Woof, woof, woof.

Why aren't you woofing?

We said we'd come with you, Scratchy.

We didn't say we'd enjoy it.

Besides, it's fake.

[GASPS]

It is not!

You don't know anything about wrestling.

[BELL RINGS]

[BOTH GROWLING]

[GRUNTING]

Ooh. That was a nasty.

[***]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[GRUNTING]

[PANTING EXCITEDLY]

See? I told you it was fake.

It's not fake.

He didn't even touch the guy.

It's...not... fake!

Who said "fake"?

[SCREAMS, WHINES]

You wanna see how fake it is?

Who, me?

No, Lardo, really. Oh. No. No, no, no, Lardo!

You-- You don't understand.

[WHACKING] Oooh.

Eeeee.

Aaaah.

Oooow.

Oooh.

Ouchie.

[SCREAMS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Hey, I guess it's not fake after all.

[***]

ALL: Ciao, America!