Original subtitles

[***]

ANNOUNCER: Newsreel of the Stars.

Dateline: Hollywood, 1930.

The Warner Brothers Studio.

Here at the studio's new Animation Department,

the artists toiled endlessly to come up with cartoon stars,

ultimately creating three new characters:

The Warner brothers

and their sister, Dot.

ALL: Hello, Nurse.

Unfortunately, the Warner kids

were totally out of control.

ALL: Boingy, boingy, boingy, boingy.

The trio ran amok throughout the studio...

until their capture.

The Warners' films,

which made absolutely no sense,

were locked away in the studio vault,

never to be released.

As for the Warners themselves,

they were locked away in the studio water tower,

also never to be released.

Publicly, the studio has disavowed any knowledge

of the Warners' existence

to this very day,

when the Warners escaped.

[***]

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* We've got wisecracks By the stacks *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Here's the show's name-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

ANNOUNCER: It's Mime Time.

[***]

Today on Mime Time:

Swimming in an imaginary ocean.

The end.

MAN: * When the birds Hit the street *

* Looking for food to eat *

* That's Goodfeathers * * That's Goodfeathers *

* When I'm cooin' at you And you're cooin' at me *

* That's Goodfeathers *

* Take no guff 'Cause they're tough *

* Strut their stuff No cream puffs *

* That's Goodfeathers *

[***]

[***]

SQUIT: As far back as I can remember, the city was dangerous,

especially at night.

Wise guys who've never even seen the light of day

stalk the meanstreets.

[ALL GASP]

[ALL SCREAM]

At night, everybody's on the prowl

for unsuspecting victims.

Like us pigeons.

[OWL SQUAWKS, GOODFEATHERS SCREAM]

Ow! Oh! What is that, a rope?

We're gettin' hogtied.

My toe! Ratatouille!

Hoot! Heh-heh!

First time pigeon hunting

and I bag three big, fat, juicy ones. Heh-heh!

Hey, you are pigeons, aren't you?

I hate to admit it, but I, uh, never saw one before.

Pigeons? What pigeons?

Are you a pigeon? What? Who, me?

No. You a pigeon?

Last time I looked. Ooh!

We're no pigeons.

No? Well, what are you?

We're, uh, macaroni birds.

Yeah, that's what we are.

Well, you, uh, macaroni birds

know what a pigeon looks like?

Yeah, sure. Forget about it.

Pigeons dipsy-doodle around on pointy toes.

They got, uh, stubby molars.

Some got antlers up top. Bip, bip, bip.

You can't miss 'em. Oh, yeah.

Hey, thanks for setting me straight, macaroni birds.

See you.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Bada-bing, we fooled that fledgling,

you know what I'm saying? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Heh!

I don't know, Goodfeathers.

It doesn't seem right lying to an egg-fresh owl.

Sometimes you gotta act fraudulent

to survive, Squit.

Lies'll get you in the end.

Oh. Whatever you say, Pinocchio.

[WHISTLES] Hey, yo! I got one. I got one.

[LAUGHING]

That's a skunk. It is?

Yeah, you can always ID a skunk

by his bushy body and white stripes.

And it has two glands near the inferior extremity

of the alimentary canal which secretes

an extremely offensive-smelling fluid.

Ah, Squit, Squit.

Don't do that, Squit. Hey, uh...

Oh, Squit.

[***]

P-yew, that's cheesy.

Phew!

Toe jam fettuccine.

We will be stenchified for 32 weeks.

Awww. I thought that was a pigeon.

Hey, you sure you ain't pigeons?

I'm telling ya, we're macaroni birds.

Look, you see a crusty animal with a dangly neck thing

hanging down like one of them cock-a-doodlers,

and maybe a dorsal fin coming outta the side of his head?

Ba-da-boom, that's a pigeon.

Go on, get one.

You can't miss 'em.

[LAUGHTER]

That's some gullible baby birdette.

[CHUCKLING] PIPSQUEAK: Hey, macaroni birds.

Oh, no. Hey, I got one.

Got crusty skin and everything.

That's no pigeon.

That's a sewer gator. It is?

Put it back. Stuff it in the hole.

BOTH: Put it back.

[GROWLING]

[GRUNTS]

Awww, I messed up again.

Hey, you swear you're not pigeons?

I swear on my mama's lasagna.

Listen, owl, for the last time,

pigeons are, uh, big, real big.

They got whiskers thick as my head

pokin' out of their skulls.

They got noses all over,

and their torsos are bloated out with appendages.

Ohhh.

I think I seen one of them.

You did? Yeah.

Hey, thanks, macaroni birds.

[LAUGHING]

How dumb can you get?

[***]

[ALL GRUNT]

Okay, this time I got one. [PIGEONS GRUNTING]

Found him hanging around the zoo.

Ungh!

[TRUMPETING]

Man, oh, man. He pulled in a pachyderm over here.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

Come on out of the pigeon, macaroni birds,

and we'll eat him.

BOBBY: This ain't no pigeon.

SQUIT: It's an elephant.

It is? PESTO: Yeah, yeah.

Only elephants got vacuum-cleaner schnozes.

[SNEEZES]

Aw, gee, I keep messing up. Okay, tell me again:

What's a pigeon look like, huh? Come on, tell me.

No matter what, I'll get one.

That's it. I give up.

Hey, I'm a pigeon.

You? No, you're a macaroni bird.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You want the truth? I'm a pigeon.

Yeah, yeah. We're all pigeons.

We tried to fool ya. Sorry, kid.

We Goodfeathers are usually on the up-and-up.

Goodfeathers? You are Goodfeathers?

Yeah, we're Goodfeathers.

Hoot! Hey, we're not allowed to hunt Goodfeathers

on account of all the owls in the city

made a deal with the Godpigeon. See ya.

[CHUCKLES]

Bada-bing, what do you know about that?

[GIGGLES] We're a protected species.

I knew you'd come clean, Pesto,

'cause you are honorable.

What you mean by that? I said, you're honorable.

I am honorable? What are you saying?

I'm some tubby Supreme Court justice

here to peruse your legal briefs?

Is that what you're saying? No, I'm not saying that.

You're saying that I am honorable.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's it. Here comes the judge!

I'll give you honorable with a gavel upside the head.

Take that and that. I got your legal brief.

Hey, yo, what is this?

Hey, coo it, owl. You can't hunt us.

We're Goodfeathers.

Hey, you lied about being macaroni birds.

You're probably lying about being Goodfeathers too.

PESTO: Ow, ouch, that hurts. My brains are bouncing.

BOBBY: Oh, man, oh, man. I'm getting skinned over here.

SQUIT: I told you lies would get us in the end. Ow!

[***]

ANNOUNCER: It's Mime Time.

[***]

Today on Mime Time:

Walking an imaginary dog.

[***]

[BARKING, GROWLING]

The end.

[***]

MINDY: Buttons!

Oh, Buttons.

[CRASH]

[GIGGLES]

Silly puppy.

[***]

[***]

[SNORING]

MOTHER: Now, Mindy, I want you to stay right here,

and play with your choo-choo whistle.

Mommy has a bad headache from hearing it.

[WHISTLE BLOWS, MOTHER YELPS]

No, Mindy,

darling.

Now, Buttons... Hmm?

...don't you let Mindy get her nice, clean clothes dirty.

And, Mindy, keep your hands clean.

Okay, lady.

Not lady. Mom.

Okay, lady, I love you. Bye-bye.

MOTHER: This is a test.

This is only a test.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Choo-choo, Mindy train.

Wheee!

[SNORING]

[LAUGHING]

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[WHIMPERS]

[SQUEALS]

[WHIMPERING]

[LAUGHS]

Buttons jump high.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWING]

Oooooh.

Big whistle.

[GRUNTS]

[SCREAMS]

Big whistle.

Wheeeee!

Bye-bye, Buttons.

[GRUNTS]

Funny Buttons.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

[WHIMPERING]

Ooh, shiny.

[BUTTONS YELPING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Whistle.

Dirty hands.

[***]

[WHIMPERING]

Hands dirty.

Here, honey, let me help.

Water.

Water.

[SCREAMS]

A water rat.

[BUTTONS HOWLS]

Hi, Mr. Man, what you doing?

Getting ready to let all the passengers off.

Why? We're coming into the station.

Why? So the engine can turn around.

Why? For the return trip.

Now skedaddle.

Okay, I love you. Bye-bye.

[***]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

[EXHALES]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

[YELPS]

Woo-weeeee!

[WHIMPERING]

Wooooo.

Tick-tocks.

[GIGGLES]

CONDUCTOR: All aboard.

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS] Big whistle.

[GASPS]

MINDY: Wheeeee!

[WHINING HAPPILY]

MOTHER: Buttons, what did I tell you?

Just look at Mindy's clothes.

No biscuit for you, Mr. Irresponsible.

[COOING HAPPILY]

[YELPING]

[LAUGHS]

Silly Buttons.

ANNOUNCER: It's Mime Time.

[***]

Today on Mime Time:

Driving an imaginary car.

The end.

[PHONE RINGING]

* She's Katie Ka-Boom *

* Katie Ka-Boom *

* She lives in a house With a garden in bloom *

* Her family knows That anytime soon *

* Their little lady Katie Goes ka-boom *

[***]

MOM: Katie.

Katie, darling.

Vrooom.

I'm right here, Mother.

What time will Jared be picking you up for your date?

Seven o'clock, and it's not a date.

We're just seeing a movie and having pizza after.

My mistake. Vroom, vroom.

[***]

I trust you'll be home at a-a proper hour, princess?

Pfff.

Okay, Daddy. I won't be late.

[TICKING]

[GASPS]

Argh, he's late.

I've been stood up.

Oh, sound the alert! Sound the alert!

Man the battle stations!

[BLARING]

[BEEPING]

I've been stood up.

I've been stood up.

I've been stood up!

Vroom-- Oh!

[ROARS]

Mommy.

Calm down, Katie.

You're overreacting.

[GHASTLY VOICE] I am not overreacting, Mom.

I'm a teenager.

Listen to your mother, Katie. She loves you.

You always take her side.

[GASPS]

It's hormonal. She can't help it.

[KATIE ROARS]

Leave my hormones out of this.

[ROARS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Katie. Sorry I'm late.

Late? I hardly noticed.

* Her family knows *

* That anytime soon *

It's only a teenage phase.

It'll pass. Someday.

* Their little lady Katie *

* Goes ka-boom *

[***]

ANNOUNCER: It's Mime Time.

[***]

Today on Mime Time:

Pitching in an imaginary baseball game.

The end.

[***]

Gee, Yakko, I'm confused.

What else is new?

No, I mean about today's show.

What was the moral of the story?

Good question, Wakko.

And to learn the answer, let's consult

the Wheel of Morality.

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn.

Tell us the lesson that we should learn.

Moral number two.

And the moral of today's story is:

Don't spit in public.

Of course, it all makes perfect sense now.

Thanks for clearing that up.

My pleasure. [WHISTLE BLOWS]

[ALL YELP]

[***]

[***]

[SNIFFS]

Did somebody step in something?

ALL: Ewww.