Original subtitles

[***]

Okay, one time, Randy Beaman's sister,

see, one time, she was making a really ugly face.

And Randy Beaman's mom said:

"Stop it. Your face will get stuck like that."

And it did.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, bye.

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* We've got wisecracks By the stacks *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

*Here's the show's name-y*

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

SQUIT: As far back as Pesto could remember,

his mom lived in a retirement roost in Miami Beach, Florida.

And when he got word she was getting remarried,

he flipped, and we flapped down there for the wedding.

At Ma's age,

she's got no business dipsy-doodling around

with some old Miami viceroy.

SQUIT: Moms shouldn't date or get married.

They should just stay moms.

Forget about it. Moms are pigeons too.

Hey, there's Ma's roost. Ma!

Pesto! Oh, my precious little squab.

[SMOOCHING]

Yeah, yeah. Hi, Ma, how you doing?

Bobby.

[COOS]

Who is this bird?

That's Squit.

You are quite the looker, Squit.

[GROWLS]

[GRUNTING]

What a beautiful day for a wedding.

Pesto, I want you should meet Steven Seagull.

Steven Seagull?

[ALL LAUGH]

Steven's my fianc�.

What?! You are marrying my Ma?

How old are you? Fifteen?

I'm in my mid-20s.

Abe Vigoda!

Don't worry, Pesto.

I'll be a good father to ya.

[GRUNTING]

[YELLS]

Pesto's cranium's cooked!

BOBBY: Let's dunk him!

Steven, while I get preened for the wedding,

why don't you take Pesto

and his friends on a sightseeing tour?

Love to.

Come on, Pesto!

We're going on a father-son outing.

[***]

My ma is not marrying no buck-beaked,

prepubescent gull fresh out of the egg!

[CLAPS]

Get over it, Pesto.

Let your ma marry who she wants.

There's no way to stop it.

Unless Mr. Steven Seagull has a little accident.

[***]

[BIRDS SQUAWKING]

[MONKEYS SCREECHING]

STEVEN: Son, this is the famous Florida Everglades.

Alligators live in gator holes like that one.

I don't see no gator, Dad.

Why don't you make like a father

and go in there and get one out for me?

Well, it's dangerous,

but I'll do it for you, son.

STEVEN: Nobody home!

What kind of a father takes a son to see a gator

and there's no gator, huh?

Uh-oh.

Wha--? What? What'd I do?

[SCREAMS]

[GULPS]

Let me out of here! Take that!

And that! Pastaroni al dente!

Let me out, you big demented reptile,

or I'll whack you to a shoe store.

Ptooie! [YELLING]

My son defeated an alligator. I love that kid.

Son, this is the famous Joe the Stone Crab Restaurant.

It's a terrific place to scavenge for food.

Oh, yeah? I don't see no food, Dad.

Why don't you make like a father

and go inside and get some for me?

Well, it's dangerous,

but I'll do it for you, son.

I hope that gull meets up with the chef.

Then it's bye-bye, birdie.

[CHUCKLES]

Bada bing. He bagged a bun.

Way to go, Steven Seagull.

Even a Goodfeather couldn't have pulled off that stunt.

Know what I'm saying?

I could do better than that.

No need to, son.

There's plenty for all of us.

Oh, yeah? Yeah? I'll show ya.

[ALL SCREAM]

Stinky bird!

Take that.

And that, and that, you vile species of stink.

[***]

[FLIES BUZZING]

Boy, Pesto sure is a great son.

He beaked us two more loaves.

That's it! Let me out of here.

I get my wings on that human,

I'll whack him to cooking school.

Fagioli!

That's my boy.

From here we should be able to see dolphins run.

I don't see nothing, Dad.

Why don't you make like a father

and dive in the water and scare some up for me?

Well, it's dangerous,

but I'll do it for you, son.

[***]

Whoo! Hoo, hoo, hoo.

Come on in, guys. Wow, this is fun.

Your dad sure knows how to have a good time.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, he's great.

Come on, let's make like the SeaQuest and dive.

[BOTH COO]

I could do that. Yeah, why not?

[SCREAMING]

I am so proud to have Pesto for a son.

He's brave, courageous--

And cuckoo in the head.

Yeah, but that's what makes him lovable.

What's with these weird cutaway shots

in this stupid cartoon show anyway?

Ptooie!

PESTO: I'm having a bad day.

[***]

I do.

I do too.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

The Godpigeon says he now pronounces them peahen and gull.

See you after the honeymoon, son.

[***]

Ah, she's happy, he's happy.

So what?

Big deal. Everybody's happy.

Yeah, forget about it.

Love conquers all, you know what I'm saying?

Aw, yeah.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[SOBBING]

You know, underneath that tough exterior,

you're a real softie, Pesto.

What do you mean by that?

You're sweet, you know, a softie.

I am a softie?!

What, are you saying

I'm some kind of swirly-topped ice-cream cone

here for you to smack your beak lips over?

Is that what you're saying?!

No, I'm not saying that.

You're saying that I am a softie.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's it! Ow.

I'll give you a softie upside the head. That's what.

Pesto, you're whacking my gullet here.

Take that, you big stuffed sausage.

You mortadella head. Hey, you big loser head.

Ha, ha, ha. Hey, you bologna head.

[***]

ANNOUNCER: It's Mime Time.

Today on Mime Time:

"Riding an Imaginary Subway."

[***]

[THUDS AND RUMBLING]

Ow, ow, ooh, ooh!

The end.

[***]

SQUIT: As far back as I can remember,

the Goodfeathers had the best perch in the neighborhood.

Because we perched on the statue

of the greatest filmmaker in the world.

Scorsese.

[***]

ALL: * Scorsese *

* Scorsese *

* Cooooooo *

* Scorsese *

* Scorsese *

ALL: * Scorsese *

* Cooooooo *

* Scorsese *

Without the statue of Scorsese,

our lives would be as slippery as--

A pigeon on the roof.

[***]

Whoa!

[CRASH]

Morning, Girlfeathers.

[GROWLS]

ALL: Morning, Goodfeathers.

You wanna tell 'em, Sasha?

No. Keekee, you do it.

It was your idea, Lana.

Oh, what are we afraid of?

This is the deal, Goodfeathers.

We decided we wanna get married and be egg hatchers.

ALL: Egg hatchers?

You wanna be an egg hatcher?

Uh-huh. An egg hatcher.

[***]

* Egg hatcher, egg hatcher I wanna be *

* Perched on a nest So feathery *

* Egg hatcher, egg hatcher I'm in the mood *

* To sit on my tush and brood *

* Oh, Pesto, ask me to marry *

* Oh, Bobby, say the word And we're wed *

* Oh, Squit, coo Make a commitment *

* I want to be married Before I'm dead *

ALL: * Egg hatcher, egg hatcher Don't wanna date *

* 'Cause marriage is best Build us a nest *

* Don't make us wait *

* We want eggs to incubate *

[GOODFEATHERS SCREAM]

SQUIT: I'm outta here!

[***]

Can you believe them girly birds asking us

to get hooked up with them?

Yeah, they got some kinda nerve

trying to disrupt our bachelortude.

Hatching eggs, raising little Goodfeathers--

[COOS]

--I don't know if I'm ready.

The Godpigeon.

ALL: Aah!

[ALL MUMBLING]

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

[ALL SPITTING]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

The Godpigeon says that as head of the family

he feels obligated to amuse us

with occasional teeter-totter pranks.

[LAUGHS]

[ALL LAUGH]

A beak full of sand is not comical.

Is that comical?

The Godpigeon thinks it's amusing,

it's amusing. You know what I'm saying?

That's one of the advantages of being Godpigeon, Pesto.

[COOS]

I wish I was the Godpigeon.

[***]

* If I were the Godpigeon *

* Cooee, cooee, cooee *

* Fettuccine, cream sauce Parmesan *

* All the time I'd... *

[IMITATES GODPIGEON MUMBLING]

* If I were the Godpigeon *

Bada bing!

* Birds would kiss my toesies *

* Schmooie, schmooie, schmooie Mostaccioli, Vito Corleone *

* Lord show them I wasn't born to lose *

* Make me boss Of all them pidgie-poos *

* I'd make offers No one can refuse *

* If I were the Godpigeon * Yeah!

Maybe I'll do a little coup d'�tat

and take over the flock.

Hiya, Pesto.

Keekee, if you are hovering around over here

expecting me to ask you to marry me,

you can forget about it.

Please, Pesto. I don't wanna marry you.

Oh, yes, you do.

I do not.

That's it!

You do wanna marry me

and you will marry me.

Okay.

And that's final!

Aah!

Aah!

Are you freaking 'cause you asked Keekee

to marry you by mistake?

No, no, no, I had a dream.

And you were there. And you were there.

All right, already, Toto. Tell us the dream.

Okay, okay, okay.

It started with us perched out in a graveyard.

[***]

[ALL GASP]

ALL: * A feather on your head Coo coo quack, coo coo quack *

* We are the grateful dead Coo coo quack, coo coo quack *

* We feathered up a nest For our distinguished guest *

* Hello, Godpigeon Pesto *

ALL: Godpigeon?

* You got it all wrong Zombies *

* He's just Pesto *

* He's not Godpigeon Zombies *

* Although someday I hope to be *

[GODPIGEON COOING]

[YELLING]

[ALL SCREAM]

[SINGS INDISTINCTLY]

* He says, "You croaked me" *

[SINGS INDISTINCTLY]

* He says he's angry *

[COOS]

[ALL SCREAM]

ALL: Aah!

I don't wanna be the Godpigeon.

I didn't mean what I said about taking over the flock.

[SOBS]

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

The Godpigeon says, "All is forgiven."

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

"Day-poom-pay"?

He adds, "Pleasant dreams."

[ROARS]

Aw.

[***]

Coo-coo-ca-choo, Mrs. Robinson.

What do you mean by that?

Nothing.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I wanna tell you something.

* Sasha *

* Squit *

* Sasha *

* Squit *

* Time to get engaged *

BOTH: * We'll share a roost *

* And hatch a family *

* Even though You are middle-aged *

That's it!

Are you saying I'm old?

No, Sasha. Is that what you're saying?

I'll give you "old" upside the head.

I'm not saying that. Ow! Scungilli.

Looks like everybody's getting hooked up around here.

Yeah.

Um...

Oh, Lana.

* Do you want me? *

*Do I, huh? *

* Do you want me? *

* Do I want him? *

* The truth of it is *

* He's mortified Petrified, terrified *

* To say "I love you Be my bride *

* I need you by my side" *

* Do you want me? *

* Oh, it's up to you *

* Then bada bing Bip bip a doo *

BOTH: * Okay, so we're betrothed *

* It's no big coup *

* But the truth of it is *

* I do want you *

The statue.

They're taking it.

[BOTH COOING]

[BOTH GASP]

PESTO: What's going on?

[THUD]

They erected some other guy up over here.

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

The Godpigeon says that it is a statue of Regis Philbin.

There is no way I am gonna sit on Regis Philbin's head.

Me neither. That's right. No way.

You can't make me do that. Let's go.

ALL: * Regis Philbin * * Regis Philbin *

* On TV with Kathie Lee *

* Regis Philbin *

* We will not perch On that big goof *

* Regis Philbin *

* Regis Philbin *

* That big shot Screams a lot *

* Regis Philbin *

* I'd rather be a *

* Pigeon on the roof *

[***]

PESTO: Would someone please explain what that was all about?

That had to be the most confusing,

mixed-up, cockamamie script

I've ever read in my entire beaking life.

Fazoul!

Hey, oh...

[COOS]

...Pesto, oh, coo down, bird.

* Bird, bird Crazy bird *

* Stay coo, bird *

* Beak it, buzz it *

* Easy does it *

* Turn off the juice, bird *

* Go, bird, go But not like a dodo *

* Coo, bird *

BOBBY: * Play it coo, bird *

* Real coo *

Coo.

[CHUCKLES]

[***]

You know what?

One time Randy Beaman's uncle Roy

blew his nose so hard his brains came out.

True.

Okay, bye.

ANNOUNCER: It's time for another Good Idea, Bad Idea.

Good idea:

Giving a small child a balloon.

Bad idea:

Giving a small child

a bunch of balloons.

Good idea:

Taking up a new hobby

like bird calling.

[WHISTLES]

Bad idea:

Taking up a new hobby

like buffalo calling.

[HONKS]

Good idea:

Ordering a chilidog to go.

Bad idea:

Ordering a chilidog

that makes you go.

Good idea:

Visiting picturesque McLean, Virginia.

Bad idea:

Visiting picturesque

McLean Stevenson.

The end.

[***]

It's that time again.

To watch Don Knotts videos?

Like The Incredible Mr. Limpet?

No, it's time to learn the day's lesson.

And to find out what it is,

we turn to the Wheel of Morality.

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn.

Tell us the lesson that we should learn.

Moral number three.

And the moral of today's story is:

"People who live in glass houses

should get dressed with the lights out."

Whoa, the mind boggles.

How profound.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ALL: Yikes!

[***]

[***]

Wanna see me make bubbles with my spit?

Sure do.

In fact, that's the theme of our next show.

So don't miss it.