Original subtitles

[***]

Okay, see, one time in the cafeteria,

Randy Beaman was eating a bologna sandwich,

then Jason made this gross noise:

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

And Randy Beaman laughed so hard bologna came out his nose.

Really.

'Kay, bye.

[***]

[***]

ANNOUNCER: Newsreel of the Stars.

Dateline: Hollywood, 1930.

The Warner Brothers studio,

home of the biggest stars in Tinseltown.

Here at the studio's new Animation Department,

the artists toil endlessly to come up with cartoon stars,

ultimately creating three new characters:

The Warner brothers and their sister, Dot.

WARNERS: Hello, Nurse!

ANNOUNCER: Unfortunately, the Warner kids were totally out of control...

and sent the animators running to the hills.

ALL: Bye.

Boingie! Boingie! Boingie! Boingie!

ANNOUNCER: The trio ran amok throughout the studio,

creating utter chaos.

[SCREAMING]

ANNOUNCER: Finally, they were captured.

The Warners' films, which made absolutely no sense,

were locked away in the studio vault,

never to be released.

As for the Warners themselves, who made even less sense,

they were locked away in the studio water tower,

also never to be released.

Publicly, the studio has disavowed

any knowledge of the Warners' existence

to this very day, when the Warners escaped.

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Shirley MacLaine-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

Huh?

Giddyap!

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[***]

[***]

DR. SCRATCHANSNIFF: Today, my little Warner friends,

I don't want to ask you any boring questions.

So can we go then?

Wait, wait, wait.

Wouldn't you like to hear my fun new idea?

I thought you said no boring questions.

[LAUGHS]

Today, I want to try a little group session,

and so I've invited one of my other patients to join us.

Who is it? One of those cute little Olsen twins?

No, but it is a fellow Warner Brothers employee.

Your other patient is here, doctor.

Very well. Send her in.

Now, she may be shy and bashful,

and unwilling to chitchat,

so please be polite, okey-dokeys?

ALL: Okey-dokeys.

[***]

* Oh, where, oh, where Has my little dog gone, baby? *

ALL: Elmyra!

Hiya, Mr. Doctor Man.

Do you wanna look inside my little head?

Well, heh-heh, yes, perhaps.

But first, I want you to meet some other patients of mine.

Oohh!

Look at the cute fuzzy heads!

What are you? Puppies? Kitties? Big fuzzy buggies?

BOTH: We're the Warner brothers.

And the Warner sister.

Well, I'm the Warner hugger and kisser,

and squeezer into itty-bitty pieces.

Nice to meet you.

Okay, now, everyone, let's settle down,

and let's all have fun with Mr. Puppet Head.

Oohh!

I love Mr. Puppet Head!

ALL: Figures.

[SQUEAKY VOICE] Hello, everybody.

Hello, Mr. Puppet Head.

[GIGGLES]

[NORMAL VOICE] Is there something you kiddies

would like to share with Mr. Puppet Head?

Nope.

Not me.

I'd like to share.

Good. What?

This.

Naughty puppet.

Yi-yi-yi! I mean:

[SQUEAKY VOICE] Yi-yi-yi!

[NORMAL VOICE] Are you all right, Mr. Puppet Head?

[SQUEAKY VOICE] No, I got a woogie on my noggin.

Oh, don't worry, Mr. Puppet Head.

I'll take care of you with a great big huggy-poo!

I'm gonna make you all better, and love you and kiss you,

and be nursey-nurse for the sick little woogie noggin.

[ELMYRA KISSING PUPPET]

Oh, the humanity.

Mwah. There. All better.

Mr. Puppet Head, what happened?

Nobody's home.

There's an understatement.

I know.

Let's engage in some parallel play

with a little non-competitive gaming. Yeah?

ALL: Say what?

He means, let's play hug the puppy heads!

I'm gonna hug you and squeeze you,

and take you home,

and dress you up like little ponies.

And we'll play rodeo cowgirl!

I got another idea.

Let's play What Happened to the Warners?

BOTH: What happened to the...Warners?

Don't you worry, Mr. Doctor Man Wrinkle Head.

I'll find 'em!

Oh, Warners!

[***]

[ALL PANTING]

That was a close one.

That was a weird one.

[WHISTLE TOOTING]

All aboard. Woo, woo!

[GIGGLES]

We're gonna play Petticoat Junction.

[ALL SCREAM]

* Oh, I'm Uncle Joe And I'm moving kinda slow *

* Woo, woo! *

Come back! I got some taffy.

Excuse me, Mr. Guardman Face,

have you seen the little Warner heads?

Uh, the Warner heads?

Um. Well, I... The Warners?

There you are.

Some hiding place.

It was warm.

Hey! Come back!

[***]

ELMYRA: Here I come to love you to pieces.

[ROARS]

Have you seen three cute fuzzy heads?

Ooh! Look at the big dino head.

You're cute.

I'm gonna bathe you, and powder you

and teach you how to go on the paper.

Oops.

[ALL GASP]

[ECHOING] There you are.

[***]

Wait. We've gotta fight fire with fire.

[WHISPERING INAUDIBLY]

Follow me.

Oh, Warners. Wait for me.

Voil�, the answer to our prayers.

[GIGGLING]

Oh, Warner-adle-adle-ooo!

[BARKING SOFTLY]

Puppy toy.

[LAUGHS]

[GRUNTS]

Rowr?

Relax, pal. It's taken care of.

Where are you, Warner-a-licious?

I'm gonna fold you and spindle you, and--

[GASPS]

Look at that cute little girl head.

Wait for me, little girly-girl.

Look out, girly head!

[CRASH]

[GURGLING]

Hey, come back here, you little missy-miss.

Unh!

[SAW BUZZES]

Unh!

All clear!

[CLAPPING]

I love a happy ending.

Sometimes I just love when it ends.

[***]

ANNOUNCER: And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Old King Cole."

Old King Cole was a merry old soul

And a merry old soul was he

He called for his pipe And he called for his bowl

And he called Information

For numbers He could have easily

Looked up in the phone book

Thank you.

[FINGERS SNAPPING]

ANNOUNCER: This has been another visit

to Dot's Poetry Corner.

[***]

* The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world *

* Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel *

Enough with the singing already.

* That's Slappy *

[***]

[***]

[GLASS BREAKING]

Excuse me.

Are you here for plastic surgery, or golf?

There's a wait on golf.

Wow! Your skin's so tight

you could bounce quarters off it.

I'm pretty. Now, what do you want?

I was wondering what room my Aunt Slappy was in.

[MAN SCREAMING]

Never mind.

Hi, Aunt Slappy. Resting quietly?

Eh, Skippy, they don't make orderlies like they used to.

Come out from under there, sweetie.

[SCREAMS]

Why are you doing this?

Hey, I can't help it. I'm attracted to men in uniform.

No. I mean, why are you having plastic surgery?

To get ready for my big cartoon comeback.

The business needs me.

They're in trouble. Just watch this.

Oh!

Ha-ha! I love chopping down virgin timber.

[SAW BUZZING]

[GASPS]

Gee-hee! Hey, Wolverine Lou.

Hurting trees is wrong. Gee-hee.

Gosh, Robin Robin. No one ever told me.

I will stop now, and go help someone in need.

No gags, no bulldozers, no dynamite.

What a rotten cartoon.

What's that got to do with plastic surgery?

Nowadays, nobody hires you unless you're good-looking.

I gotta compete with these young yutzes.

Does that hammer the plot home for ya?

I'm gonna have a total face-lift,

a tummy tuck and my tail liposuctioned.

I'll be back on top again in no time.

But you look fine now, Aunt Slappy. See?

Thanks for the boost.

These bedpans are so cold my tail has frostbite.

Sorry, Ms. Squirrel.

Dr. Roma has finished parring the back nine.

He's ready for you now.

About time.

I'm gonna transform into a butterfly.

Or Wilford Brimley.

Whichever comes out of a cocoon.

Take this to my locker,

then call the clubhouse

and reserve me a teeoff time for 1 p.m.

Make that 4 p.m.

Hey, Arnold Palmer.

Nice of you to squeeze in time to operate.

[HUMMING]

When I'm done with Slappy Squirrel,

her face will make a hedgehog's rump look pretty.

All right, Ms. Squirrel,

just relax and watch the monitor.

I'm going to show you scenes from Alan Alda movies.

You'll be out in no time.

Couldn't you just hit me on the head with a hammer?

[LAUGHS]

Now, now.

You just watch Mr. Alda while I go wash up.

I mean, what do we really know about people?

About men? Women?

I'm puzzled.

Being in a relationship

is like walking the tightrope of life.

Bleah!

[SNORING]

Finally.

The chance to mangle my old foe,

Slappy Squirrel, once and for all.

[SNICKERS]

I mustn't forget to wash up.

With Acme Sudsing Germs.

[LAUGHING]

The doctor will see you now, Slappy Squirrel.

First, I'll mush your face in like this.

Then I'll puff up your cheeks and scrunch your nose.

Then I'll stretch your chin like Jay Leno.

You'll never make another cartoon again!

[LAUGHS]

Is this sad or what?

Now, let us begin.

Ahh! Oof.

[GROWLING]

Jerry Lewis, eat your heart out.

Ah!

Fore!

That's it. No more Mr. Nice Wolf.

[LAUGHS]

Perfect.

[SNORTS]

Give me those.

What you can get away with

in cartoons these days is shocking.

DOCTOR: Fore!

There's my ball.

I'll play it from here. I don't wanna lose a stroke.

[WALTER YELLING]

What? Who? Where?

What happened?

As if I cared.

Good shot.

Why, Walter, what are you doing here?

Oh! Ow!

Ooh. Looks like you could use

a little plastic surgery of your own.

Your next patient, boys.

Here's a picture to work from. It came with the wallet.

So you're skipping your plastic surgery, Aunt Slappy?

Eh, I'll keep my wrinkles. I earned every one of 'em.

But what about your comeback?

Forget it.

If I have to change my appearance,

it's not worth doing.

Skippy, I've learned that looks aren't everything.

It's the beauty in your heart that's really important.

Gee, Aunt Slappy, you sound like an after-school special.

You're right. I take it all back.

WALTER: My face! I'm ruined!

What will the other villains say?

Now, that's edutainment.

[***]

ANNOUNCER: And now, Dot's Poetry Corner.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Ode to a Veggie."

Beans, beans, the musical fruit

The more you eat

The more they kick you Off the air

If you finish this poem

Thank you.

[FINGERS SNAPPING]

ANNOUNCER: This has been another visit

to Dot's Poetry Corner.

[***]

One time, okay, see--

One time, Randy Beaman's family

had this party with food and stuff,

and they had, like, this bean dip for the chips,

and everybody ate it and said it was really good,

only it wasn't bean dip.

It was a mistake. It was really dog food.

'Kay, bye.

[***]

[***]

Whoa, Wakko, Dot, hold up.

Why?

It's that time again.

Oh, no, not the Wheel of Morality.

Afraid so. It's time to learn the moral of today's story.

BOTH: No! No!

Hey, come on.

The Wheel of Morality adds boring educational value

to what would otherwise be

an almost entirely entertaining program.

But the morals make no sense.

It's totally bogus.

Who came up with this stupid Wheel of Morality idea anyway?

The execs at the Fox Kids' Network.

Oh! Heh, heh. They did? What a great idea.

Yeah. I love the Wheel of Morality.

Mwah.

So...

Wheel of Morality, turn, turn, turn.

Tell us the lesson that we should learn.

Moral number six.

And the moral of today's story is:

"Lather, rinse, repeat."

This is a moral?

Hey, it's the best we could do on such short notice.

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

ALL: Yipe!

[***]

[***]

Spew!