Original subtitles

[***]

One time, Randy Beaman woke up at night and he saw Dracula.

But he thought it wasn't Dracula,

just some clothes hanging up.

Then he turned on the light, and it really was Dracula.

Okay, bye.

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Andromeda Strain-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

ANNOUNCER: It's time for another "Good Idea, Bad Idea."

Good idea.

Going trick-or-treating on Halloween.

Bad idea.

Going trick-or-treating on...

Saint Patrick's Day.

The end.

ALL: * The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world *

* Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel *

Enough with the singin' already.

* That's Slappy *

[***]

[***]

ALL: * It's Halloween And we're on the scene *

* Gonna fill up on candy Till we turn green *

* On Halloween Who needs protein? *

* It's Halloween *

It's Halloween. We got it.

No need to bludgeon us with it. Now, get outta here.

Skippy and I got a cartoon to do.

Ah, I'm too old for this. Let's go home, Skippy.

Oh, no, please, Aunt Slappy. Just one more street.

Oh, for Pete's sake,

you already got more chocolate than Switzerland.

Puh-retty puh-lease?

Oh, all right. But don't do that big-eyed thing.

It scares me. Makes you look like an owl.

Right.

All right, let's try...

that street.

[***]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

But all your old enemies live on that street.

They don't wanna give us treats. They'll wanna annihilate us.

Sounds like a standard cartoon plot to me.

Let's give it a roll.

All right, boys.

This is our big chance to finally clobber Slappy Squirrel.

Yeah. I still owe her for what she did to me

in Pocketful of Squid, 1941.

Directed by Rory Kipton.

I never liked Rory.

Duh, what are we doing again?

Listen, Beanie, you tundra brain,

when Slappy knocks on your door, make with the nasty tricks.

Ooh, this'll be a Halloween she'll never forget.

[ALL CACKLING]

[ALL COUGHING]

This is gonna be more fun

than seniors' night on American Gladiators.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

SLAPPY: Hello? Anybody home?

Duh, Slappy Squirrel. Have I got a trick for her.

One I thought of myself.

Duh, pick a hand, Slappy.

[GUFFAWS]

You're a smarty every day, Beanie.

Yes, I am.

Trick or treat.

Duh--

Well, if it ain't my old pal Beanie

the cerebrally challenged bison.

Pick a hand.

Duh, left.

Pick another hand.

Duh, right.

[SLURRING] Duh...

Now you pick a hand.

BOTH: Left.

What, no treat?

Ooh, candy corn.

Spew.

Hey, they're better than the corns on my feet.

Spew and a half.

SLAPPY: Yeah, I'll tell you, Skippy,

that Beanie has the IQ of a bologna sandwich.

Sheesh.

Beanie sure wet the sidewalk on that one.

[CACKLES]

This is really dynamite squash.

Slappy will never figure this out.

I'm a genius.

[CACKLES]

[***]

Sizzling pumpkins?

This is truly pathetic.

Careful, Aunt Slappy, it's a trap.

You'll be blown to smithereens.

Where you getting that cheesy dialogue, Skippy?

From the script.

Skippy, how many times I gotta tell you, what are scripts for?

For lining the bottom of birdcages.

That's right.

Enjoy.

Now, let's get some treats.

Walter Wolf will bust his truss

once he finds out that I blasted Slappy Squirrel.

[KNOCKING]

Beanie wanted me to give you this.

Ooh. Candy corn.

[EXPLOSIONS RUMBLING]

Some aspirin would be nice.

You remind me of a bad accident at Benihana's. Ha, ha.

Look, Skippy, it's the opening credits to Scooby-Doo.

Ah, just kiddin'.

It's the last house on the block.

That's Walter Wolf's house. He's your bitterest enemy.

Walter's only bitter on the outside.

Inside, he's got creamy nougat.

Hey, Walter, trick-or-treat there?

I love a pointless eyeball gag, don't you?

Surprise! Happy Halloween.

Look, Skippy, Walter's throwin' us a party.

Yeah, I'm so sure.

Nice spread you got here, Walter. Is this all for us?

Oh, of course. For you, my best pal, Slappy Squirrel.

You know, I'm gonna run to the kitchen

for some special walnut candies.

Feel free to wander around and touch things while I'm gone.

Charming decorations. Walter went all out.

[BUZZING]

At my age, this stuff would make a pretty good laxative.

[LAUGHS]

That should do it.

Slappy Squirrel's gonna get such a kick from these.

[LAUGHS]

My dear guests,

help yourselves to some walnut candies.

I'd eat 'em, but I can't. I hear they're mucus-forming.

Ooh, you poor dear. Maybe you should have a sit down.

Right this way.

Here, sit and be comfy.

After you.

Eh, I insist, after you.

Very well, you go first.

[SIGHS]

[SCREAMS]

Well, who knew?

Walter Wolf has a split personality.

[LAUGHS]

Got it all?

Yep.

Thanks, Walter.

I'd be careful where I was sewin' if I were you.

You meshugunah squirrel. I haven't finished with you.

SLAPPY: Oh, no?

That's what you think.

Whoa... Oh...

Ah! Ooh! Oof!

[EXPLOSIONS RUMBLING]

Congratulations, Aunt Slappy,

for completing your most explosive,

and yet entirely pointless cartoon of the season.

Now, that's family entertainment.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[***]

Okay. So see, one time, Randy Beaman's mom's best friend,

whose name is Linda, wanted to get a tan more than anything.

So she went to a tanning salon, and she stayed in too long,

and she boiled her guts.

Okay, bye.

[***]

[***]

[CAWING]

[CAWS]

[SPLAT]

[CAWS WEAKLY]

* Good day, Sykes Let's go hunt for witches *

* Dig them out Of their secret niches *

* They could be cats or people *

* Which is up to me to say *

Good day.

Good day.

Good day! Oof!

* The judge is happy When he hunts for a witch *

* He couldn't find one In a ditch *

* But if he thinks That you're a witch *

* He'll burn you up With pitch *

ALL: * A dangerous jerk, the judge *

Good morning, witch.

Uh, me?

No, you old wombat, the shopkeeper.

[WHISTLING]

But, judge, you know me. I'm no witch.

I know you're holding a broomstick,

and only witches have broomsticks.

Lobo, Taylor, arrest him.

ALL: * So long, shopkeeper Taking him was all wrong *

* We'll be accused Before too long *

WOMAN: * Before the judge Is done with that *

MAN: * He'll arrest Our kitty cats *

* Cats are spirits Of the Evil One *

ALL: * Salem's really Not much fun *

* We got troubles By the ton *

* From *

* The judge *

[***]

Those were nice pilgrims we lived with. D-d-definitely nice.

Yeah, well, we'd still be there

if you hadn't chased away their turkeys.

I forgot, definitely forgot why I did that.

Come back here, you evil feline.

First item on the agenda is to find some food.

That's a good idea.

You check the side streets, I'll try the main drag.

Side streets. Got it.

[SNIFFING]

* Who can hunt like a cat? Not a dog or a bat *

* Who can stalk a big bird Or a rat like a cat? *

* Oh, what creature is there Half as cunning? *

* Slick as a greased-up snake *

* Go and watch Any wolf or coyote *

* They couldn't find fish Knee-deep in a lake *

* Who hunts cats like the judge? Witch's spawn like the judge? *

* Those tools of the devil Kitty cats, like the judge? *

* Who hunts Like a cat? *

* I hunt down All cats *

* We're keen So that's that *

* I hate them like rats *

* There's nothing quite like *

BOTH: * A cat *

Sorry, I gotta eat and run.

Hey.

Gotcha, you filthy witch. [MEOWS]

Uh, oh. Rita's in trouble, definitely in trouble.

[BARKING]

Attend to that cur, would you please, Sykes?

[CAWING]

[GROANS]

Splendid marksmanship.

I guess we might say "doggone."

[LAUGHING]

How's it going, Wilbur?

The name's Runt, definitely Runt.

So where's everyone going? Must be a party.

I'll bet there's a party, definitely a party.

You don't get around much, do you, Wilbur?

The humans are going to dunk

your little friend into the river.

Oh, boy, why would they do that? Beats me.

If they aren't dunking horses, I don't care.

[GRUNTING]

Gotta help Rita.

Look out now, Wilbur.

Thanks, horse. Good horse.

Gotta save Rita.

Anyone asks how you got free, tell them a cow did it.

JUDGE: Your attention, please. Your attention, please.

Ahem. Thank you.

Through scientific investigation and reasoning,

we will determine if this cat is a witch.

"It will be dunked underwater for a real long time.

"If the cat survives the dunking,

then it is a witch, and we will have to burn it at the stake."

Nothing personal, it's just what we do here.

"If the cat drowns, then it wasn't really a witch,

and a sincere letter of apology will be written at once."

Let's proceed, shall we?

[GASPS]

I sense this isn't a flea dip.

[***]

Oh, boy. Rita really hates water.

See to that mutt, would you, Mr. Sykes?

[CAWING]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

That gave me a really warm feeling. Hey.

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Yeow!

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

[SNARLING]

Thanks, Runt.

You're welcome.

What'd I do?

Get me out of here. I'm chilly.

Hm, only a witch could survive in the water like that.

A witch. Yes, a witch.

We'll have to spank him soundly. It's in the town charter.

But I'm not a witch.

You're making a terrible mistake. One that I'll regret.

* So long Salem, Mass *

* Time to say bye-bye *

* I almost got drowned Chased right out of town *

* Boy, did my fur fly *

* Boston, here we come *

* Home of beans and tea *

* Maybe they need pets *

* Don't take any bets *

* Still, there's you and me *

That sure was pretty, Rita.

I hope we don't get sued.

[***]

Okay, this is scary.

See, one time, Randy Beaman was asleep,

and he heard a scratch, scratch, scratch on the window,

and he woke up and nothing was there.

So the next night,

he heard a scratch, scratch, scratch on the floor,

and he woke up, and there was nothing there.

And so the next night,

he heard scratch, scratch, scratch on his bed,

and he woke up, and you know what it was?

His mom's Lee Press-On Nails had come alive,

and they were after Randy Beaman.

[SCREAMS]

Okay, bye.

[***]

[***]

[THUNDER CRASHING]

ANNOUNCER: And now, Dot Warner, Slappy Squirrel and Hello Nurse

in the famous witches scene

from William Shakespeare's Macbeth.

Interpreted by Yakko for those viewers

who, like Dot, Slappy and Hello Nurse,

have no idea what they're saying.

WITCHES: Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn, and cauldron bubble.

Loosely translated, that means "abracadabra."

Fillet of a fenny snake, In the cauldron boil and bake;

Let's cook a snake. Start with my agent.

Eye of newt And toe of frog,

Wool of bat And tongue of dog.

Sounds like camp food to me.

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth Boil and bubble.

[YAWNS]

Stir until bored. Serves 12.

Unless you're Rush Limbaugh, then it's an appetizer.

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Bibbidy bobbidy boo. Here's another fun recipe:

Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf,

Witches' mummy, maw and gulf.

Those are the ingredients of a hot dog.

Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark...

Root of hemlock--

Go, hemlock.

--digg'd i' the dark.

* Digged in the dark is a gas Baby, can you dig it? *

Double, double toil and trouble;

Fire burn and cauldron bubble.

Hocus-pocus, when do we eat?

Hey, what did we come up with? Hash?

Corn dogs? Fondue?

[ALL GASP]

By the pricking of my thumbs,

Something scary this way comes.

[SMOOTH JAZZ PLAYING]

* Oh, lady *

* I know a lady With high-heeled shoes *

* And socks of pantyhose Oh, pretty lady *

Oh!

[CLANG]

Uh...

Let's send out for pizza.

[***]

[ALL SCREAM]

ALL: There's a horrible bug on your shoulder.

[ALL SCREAM]

Just kidding.

[ALL LAUGH]