Original subtitles

ANNOUNCER: On stage at the Fantages Theater,

now through February 30th,

the theatrical event of the decade:

Oh, Oh, Ethel.

Starring the beloved Slappy Squirrel

in the one-woman show

about the life, the loves

and the music of Ethel Merman.

Ethel Merman?

I thought this was about Ethel Mertz.

I'm outta here.

[***]

MAN: Just sing!

You gotta be kiddin' me.

[APPLAUSE]

Ah, for crying out loud!

All right.

Ahem. Here goes.

[BAND PLAYING UPBEAT MUSIC]

*There's a great business This here show business *

* So let's get on With the little skit already *

[CROWD BOOING]

[ALL HISSING]

ANNOUNCER: You'll laugh, you'll cry,

you'll throw farm-fresh produce

at Slappy Squirrel in Oh, Oh, Ethel.

My agent's gonna get an "oh, oh" upside his head.

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Eisenhower, Mamie *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

Yakko, it's time to take the ink blot test.

Now, tell me, what does this remind you of?

Girls.

What does this remind you of?

Girls.

What does this remind you of?

Uh...

Girls.

[GROANING]

You are obsessed with girls!

Hey, you're the one showing me

all the sexy pictures.

[MOANS]

Hey, doc.

You know what this one reminds me of?

What?

The next cartoon.

[***]

Gee, Brain, what do you wanna do tonight?

The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world.

* They're Pinky And the Brain *

* They're Pinky and the Brain *

* One is a genius *

* The other's insane *

* To prove their mousy worth *

* They'll overthrow the earth *

* They're dinky *

* They're Pinky and the Brain *

* Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain Brain, Brain *

[***]

[***]

What's tonight's plan to take over the world, Brain?

[GRUNTS]

A gizmo?

[GRUNTS] Zort!

A thingy?

Your scientific jargon staggers me, Pinky.

Tonight, Pinky, we will not rely on science,

but rather we will play the world's game.

Do you know what that game is?

Um...

Mystery Date?

Uh, Twister? Narf!

Oh, I love Twister!

Right foot, red!

[LAUGHS]

The cable, Pinky! The cable!

[BOTH SCREAM]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Pinky, once I take over the world,

remind me to publicly snub you.

Narf! Duly noted, brain.

Pinky, the world's game is politics,

and I plan to win this game by running for president.

And once I am ensconced in the White House,

I will take over the world!

Narf!

Larry Kling Live here with Suzanne Slimmers

and the ThighMonster.

Let's take some calls for Suzanne.

Hello, Bangor, Maine.

WOMAN [OVER PHONE]: Um, Suzanne, how do you stay

looking so good?

Three words: ThighMonster.

[LAUGHS]

[SQUEAKING]

I could watch that for hours.

Hello, Walla Walla, Washington.

Now, Pinky.

[GIBBERING]

Go ahead, Walla Walla.

Hello. I am not Walla Walla.

My name is John Brain.

And while I find Suzanne's interests captivating,

I am here for another purpose.

And, uh, what might that be?

Larry, I would like to announce my candidacy

for president of the United States.

You're running for president, Mr. Brain?

Uh, why are you doing that?

I plan to take over the world.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Uh, keep that sense of humor.

You'll need it on the campaign trail.

You'll also need a ThighMonster!

[SQUEAKS]

[***]

We're expecting the independent candidate

for president, John Brain,

to speak with reporters by remote broadcast

any moment now.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen of the press.

Your questions?

WOMAN: Mr. Brain! MAN: Please, Mr. Brain!

Mr. Brain, have you chosen a running mate

to be your vice president?

Yes, I have.

Admiral Pinky.

Narf!

[LAUGHS]

What am I doing here?

[SQUAWKS]

Narf...

Mr. Brain, why have you not yet appeared in public?

I've been developing my plan for the presidency.

Uh-huh. And what is it, sir?

I want to A, cut the deficit,

B, lower taxes,

and C, take over the world.

[ALL LAUGHING]

I like him.

Mr. Brain, you seem to have

very large ears, a red nose

and fur growing on your head.

There are concerns about your health.

I am as healthy as the next mouse,

as long as I avoid cats.

[CHUCKLES]

Now, what do you suppose he means by that?

Well, he doesn't mean a real mouse,

he means the little guy, like you and me.

And cats...

Well, he means fat cats!

The bureaucratic fat cats, yeah!

Oh.

I like him.

Me too.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[***]

Mr. Brain, you've captivated the voters' common sense,

but what about you personally?

Are you married?

Yes.

Let me introduce my lovely wife, Pinkinia.

Hello, Barbara. Zort!

l am woman, hear me roar!

[LAUGHING] Narf!

[***]

MAN: Hey, look!

It's John Brain's new commercial!

When I take over the country, everyone will work for me.

He means jobs. Jobs for everyone.

Yeah. Yeah, sounds good.

Oh, yeah.

If people oppose me, I'll teach them a lesson.

Thank goodness.

He's for better education.

So surrender quietly and no one will be hurt.

[GROANS]

No one will be sick!

Yes! Health care!

[COUGHS]

Great health care!

ALL [IN UNISON]: I like him.

[***]

PINKY: "Brain leads polls."

Egad, Brain! Narf!

It looks like you're going to win!

You'll be president, Brain!

Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

I think so, Brain, but this time

you put the trousers on the chimp.

It's amazing you haven't ruined my campaign, Pinky.

Oh, I can only do so much, Brain.

I think, Pinky, the time has come

to finally greet my public in person.

It's time for them to meet John Brain!

[***]

CROWD [CHANTING]: We want John Brain! We want John Brain!

We want John Brain! We want John Brain!

Listen, the winds of change blow steady, my friend,

waiting for one thing.

Do you know what that thing is?

Uh...

Someone with a kite?

Zort!

No, Pinky, me! Waiting for me!

This is it! We will succeed!

Announce me!

Is this thing on?

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome-- Narf!

--our next president, Mr. John Brain!

[CROWD CHEERING]

[***]

Greetings.

[ALL GASP]

He really is a mouse!

[LAUGHS]

[ALL BOOING]

[ALL HISSING]

Please, I--

But-- But when I take over the world,

I promise to rule in a fair and just manner.

[CROWD LAUGHING AND JEERING]

[SIGHS]

Since revealing himself as a fraud,

John Brain has fallen to nowhere in the polls.

Turn that off, Pinky.

But a newcomer, a Mr. Boo,

is climbing in the--

I need to concentrate on a more scientific plan

for tomorrow night.

Why, Brain? What are we going to do tomorrow night?

You know.

* They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain *

* Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain *

WARNERS: * The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world *

* Our next cartoon Features Slappy the squirrel *

Enough with the singin' already.

* That's Slappy *

[***]

[***]

[SLURPING]

Hi, Grandpa Stinky.

Oh, hi, Bumpo.

[MUNCHING]

Whatcha doing?

Chewin' for fleas.

Can I help?

No, don't be disgusting.

[MUNCHING]

[SNIFFS]

And don't sniff me, Bumpo.

It's impolite.

You have to ask first.

Sorry, Grandpa Stinky.

May I sniff ya?

No! Don't be weird.

Grandkids...

[GROANS]

Hello. Hi.

Well, so long.

Bye.

Grandpa, what's that?

What's what?

[GASPS]

Why, Bumpo, that's one of those horrible,

vicious tree squirrels!

Meanest creatures on the planet Earth

and a basset hound's natural born enemy.

Oh!

It's our sworn duty to chase 'em, catch 'em,

and shake 'em like rag dolls.

[LAUGHS]

Why?

I don't know.

It's what we do.

Now, watch and learn, boy.

Your Grandpa Stinky'll show you how to mangle

that nasty squirrel.

I'm off!

No, I'm not. Yes, I am.

Nope. Now, wait.

Here we go. I'm off!

Go get 'em, Grandpa!

Grandpa Stinky's my hero.

[***]

[BARKING]

[SCREAMS]

That was great, Grandpa Stinky.

You almost got him.

May I sniff you now?

No.

Take me to the vet.

[***]

Skippy, I'm dyin' of starvation here.

You got my hazelnuts, or what?

Uh-huh. Bleh.

Sorry, but I'm on a low-saliva diet.

Get some more.

I can't, Aunt Slappy.

There are dogs guarding the nuts.

Let me see here.

Oh, yeah, my old enemy, Stinkbomb D. Basset.

He co-starred with me in Somethin' Smells Funny, 1943,

directed by Laszlo Floot.

What a hack! Here's a clip.

[***]

Right this way, pal.

Gotcha!

Guess again.

[LAUGHS]

He hasn't smelled the same since.

Tell you what, Skippy.

Let's both go next door and get some nuts.

But what about the dogs?

I don't know. I might let 'em live.

We'll see.

Aw, that's nice of you, Aunt Slappy.

Let's just hurry back, okay?

Why?

Montel Williams is on in five minutes.

I love a bald man.

[LAUGHS]

Here they come, Bumpo. It's squirrel-catchin' time!

Do everything I do, kiddo, and you can't go wrong.

Right! Come on.

[MUNCHING]

[GRUNTING]

Now, watch closely, Bumpo, as I snag me a squirrel.

[GROWLS] [SCREAMS]

I got her!

Wow, Grandpa Stinky! You're a smarty!

Well, you need to have smarts to catch a squirrel, Bumpo.

Fortunately, I have smarts to spare.

[LAUGHS] [GASPS]

Why, I have smarts I've never even used.

[CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

[CRASH]

Ooh, I bet that really smarts.

[SNIFFS]

Hey, no sniffing me while I'm unconscious.

[***]

Oh, now this is sad.

[SNIFFING]

[LAUGHS]

Here they come.

We'll get 'em this time for sure, right, Bumpo?

[SNIFFS]

Quit trying to sniff me!

Okay, okay, sorry.

"Well, lookie there, Skippy.

"A brand-new hazelnut tree just sprouted

while our backs were turned."

Your line.

"Its nuts look yummy, Aunt Slappy.

Shall we pick them?"

"No, Skippy.

"The nuts are rotten, for this unfortunate tree

is infested with termites."

[BUZZING]

[***]

[SQUEALS]

[GRUNTING]

[BARKING]

Now, that's what you call "tree bark."

[DRUMROLL]

[LAUGHS]

These are the jokes, folks.

You know, I've actually stopped itching.

[SNIFFS] Don't even think about it.

[SLAPPY WHISTLES]

SLAPPY: Yo, Stinkbomb!

Thanks for the nuts.

We'll be heading home now. [GROWLING]

Oh, no, you won't.

[***]

[SCREECHES]

[MUNCHING]

Aha!

Hey, Isaac Newton!

Interesting bit of trivia for you.

What's that?

Dogs can't climb trees.

Oh.

[CRASH]

Cute, the way he tried flying with his ears.

Dogs can't climb trees, huh?

BUMPO: That's what they say, Grandpa.

Well, we'll see about that!

[LAUGHS]

Those squirrels won't get away this time, Grandpa,

and you know why?

'Cause you're a smarty. A smarty every day!

Thank you, Bumpo.

You're welcome, Grandpa.

May I sniff you now?

No. Okay.

'Cause I've got a score to go settle

with some squirrels.

Go get 'em, Grandpa.

[***]

SLAPPY: Oh, for crying out loud!

What's wrong with this doohickey thingamajig thing here?

Ah! Just what I need.

[SQUISHING]

Cheap thing won't flush.

[POPS]

[FLUSHING] Ah, there we go.

Stinkbomb go down the hole.

[WATER GUSHING]

[BANG]

[CLANG]

[CLANG]

[JAWS SNAPPING]

[PANTING]

Are you finished chasing the squirrels, Grandpa?

Yes, Bumpo.

Well, then, now can I sniff you?

[MOANS]

Oh, all right.

Fine, be my guest.

Really?

Gee, thanks, Grandpa Stinky.

[SNIFFS]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

[GRUNTS]

[SNIFFING]

That's funny.

If you ask me, I've never smelled better

in my life!

[***]

ANNOUNCER: Boo knows football.

[***]

[BOO SQUAWKS]

Boo knows basketball.

[***]

[SQUAWKS]

Boo knows baseball.

[***]

[SQUAWKS]

How does Boo know?

Boo wears Spikies.

[CLUCKS]

Just Boo it.

[***]

It's that time again.

To have elective surgery?

To change our underwear?

No, it's time to learn the day's lesson.

And to find out what it is,

we turn to the Wheel of Morality.

Wheel of Morality Turn, turn, turn

Tell us the lesson That we should learn

Moral number one.

And the moral of today's story is...

"Do not back up. Severe tire damage."

I think the Wheel of Morality needs a tune-up.

More like a whole new transmission.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

ALL: Yikes!

[***]

[***]

ALL: Goodbye, nurse.