Original subtitles

[***]

Mornin', Skippy.

Hi, Aunt Slappy. What's for breakfast?

A brand-new cereal from Smellog's,

Branimaniacs.

Wow, we're on the box.

That's right, kiddo.

Do we get paid for that?

You don't.

But just look at what's inside.

Branimaniacs is chock-filled with tasty bran,

crunchy fiber, natural roughage

and tiny sugar cubes shaped like my head.

It's an important part of this balanced breakfast.

So dig in, Skippy.

You bet.

And remember to start your day with Branimaniacs

for that get-up-and-go feelin'.

I gotta get up and go.

I'll race ya.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

ALL: *Eat Branimaniacs *

* Nutritionally, it lacks *

*But this cereal attacks All of your digestive tracts *

* It's braniman-y *

* My stomach's In pain-y *

* Branimaniacs *

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Come back, Shane-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

NARRATOR: Once upon a time in a land far, far away.

No, much further than that.

No, further still.

Ah, here we are.

Anyway, in this land far, far, far, far away,

there was a village of poor but happy people.

The villagers were poor

because they were terrorized by a giant

who lived in the clouds.

Aaaahhh!

Dah, vroom, vroom!

Put-put-put-put-put. Vroom.

[GUFFAWING]

All the dinky treasures of the world are mine.

[GUFFAWING]

NARRATOR: Also in this village lived the three Warners.

The Warners were so poor,

they had to sell their only possession...

a dried-up old cow.

Hmph.

YAKKO: There's the used-cow salesman now.

Let me do the talking.

Excuse me, but would you be interested in buying our cow?

Steers like a dream.

Well, I don't know.

How about buying Wakko?

Why me?

'Cause Dot gets more letters.

I can't help it if I'm cute.

Okay, tell you what,

I'll give you a bean for that cow.

A bean? A bean?

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Why, she's worth at least, uh...

three beans.

Deal.

There goes our three-bean salad.

Beans'll do that to you.

[ALL YELP]

Ah. That's the last time I ever travel by bean.

Look.

NARRATOR: And sure enough,

the Warners had arrived at the giant's castle.

Looks like Aaron Spelling's house.

WOMAN: * Free me, free me Won't you rescue me? *

* The giant sleeps Before he wakes *

* Come in and rescue me *

Are you pretty?

Yes.

We'll be right there.

Is there a handsome man in there too?

No.

I'll wait out here.

[***]

This must be Tori's dressing room.

WOMAN: Hello.

Please save me.

BOTH: Hello, harp!

She's a dream.

She's a princess.

She's a woman with a harp stuck to her back.

Boys.

[GIGGLING]

Oh, that tickles.

If you rescue me, you'll be greatly rewarded.

I'll give you four beans

and a goose.

How lucky can we get?

Oh, but this goose is very special.

It lays golden eggs.

A little fiber in its diet, and it won't do that anymore.

It's broken.

[HONKS]

I fixed it.

[YAWNING]

Please, we must leave before the giant wakes.

Lower me safely to the floor.

[SCREAMS]

ALL: Oops.

[GASPS]

Ah-ha! I got teenie-weenies in my house.

[SCREAMS]

ALL: Hi.

Pea, pie, poo, kerplot. I smells Yakko, Wakko and Dot.

Don't you mean fee-fi-fo-fum?

Yeah, but it don't rhymes with Dot.

You know, you really should pluck

those unsightly nose hairs.

Ow!

That smarted me.

I doubt it.

Now, I's gonna eat you teenie-weenies.

Eat us?

You don't wanna eat us.

We taste awful.

ALL: Blah!

Hmm.

[ALL WHISPERING]

We know what you want.

You does?

ALL: Uh-huh.

[HONKS]

I'm sure you'll love this. Have a seat.

Here's your meal, gold eggs and meat.

I does not like gold eggs and meat.

It's you who I would like to eat.

Would you like them � la mode?

Would you like them with a toad?

I would not like them � la mode.

I would not like them with a toad.

I does not like gold eggs and meat.

It's you who I would like to eat.

[***]

Would you eat them with a cod?

Holding up a metal rod?

I woulds not eat them with a cod,

holding up a metal rod.

I does not like gold eggs and meat.

It's you who I would like to eat.

How about with a dash of salt?

On the San Andreas Fault?

No, not with a dash of salt on the San Andreas Fault.

I does not like gold eggs and meat.

It's you who I would like to eat.

[CROWD SCREAMING]

Would you, could you in Japan?

With Godzilla and Rodan?

I would not, could not in Japan with Godzilla and Rodan.

I will not eat gold eggs and meat. It's--

ALL: Us that you would like to eat.

Eat them, eat them on a cloud.

Oh, all right, for crying out loud!

Mmmmm!

Gold eggs and meat I do not hate.

But now those clouds won't hold your weight.

Gee, I never thought about that.

Fee-fi-fo-fum, I fall down and hurt my bum.

NARRATOR: And so, with the giant gone,

the poor village became a wealthy suburb.

And the heroic Warners were richly rewarded

for saving the village.

As mayor of the village of the happy and rich,

I am proud to present the three Warners with...

five beans and Merv Griffin's autograph.

[CROWD CHEERING]

Doesn't anyone ever get cash in fairy tales?

ALL: * The crankiest of creatures In the whole wide world *

* Our next cartoon features Slappy the Squirrel *

Enough with the singin', already.

* That's Slappy *

[BOTH GASP]

* Daniel Boone was A great big guy *

* Yes, a really big guy *

* He knocks down trees And frightens off bees *

* So they'll cry *

Kentucky at last.

I'm gonna build me a little log cabin right here.

Then a log cabin for my oxes. Then a summer cabin.

The only thing I love more than buildin' cabins

is choppin' down trees.

Birch is good wood for clothespins.

This oak'll make a dandy shelf.

Well, I'll be kissed by a wolverine.

A Bessemer elm.

That's best wood around for makin' a front door.

* Daniel Boone saw A great big tree *

* An attractive tree *

* But he didn't know It was home to a squirrel *

* Named Slappy *

How come we're making so many candles, Aunt Slappy?

Skippy, it's the 1700s.

What'd you expect, Rollerbladin'?

[BANGING]

What's that?

Maybe my colon, I hope not. I'll go find out.

Hey, you break this tree, you're gonna pay for it.

Lookie here, you old squirrel.

I'm Daniel Boone,

the best frontiersman that ever lived.

Well, I'm Slappy Squirrel,

and I'm so old my blood is solid.

What are you doin' to my tree?

I'm fixin' to make it into the front door of my new cabin.

Now get, or I'll make a cap out of you.

I got your cap right here.

Hmph! No old squirrel's gonna stand between me and my cabin.

Excuse me, there, Boone.

Is there any chance you might find another tree?

No.

I was hopin' you'd say that.

Maybe he can rent himself out as a menorah.

[CHUCKLES]

* Daniel Boone had A great big plan *

* Yes, a very large plan *

* He'd fix that squirrel *

* By yankin' her tree house From the land *

Pull, you lazy, good-for-nothin' critters!

Reckon this will teach that old squirrel

that I'm the king of the wilderness.

Huh?

What do you say? We won't dray.

What we want is an eight-hour day.

What in blazes are you doin'?

Call me Norma Rae, or Bob and Ray.

But I unionized your team.

Get up and yank down that tree, you dumb slabs of hide!

[CHUCKLING]

Management.

* Daniel Boone had Another big plan *

* Yes, a crafty plan-- *

Shhh!

[LAUGHING]

I'm gonna give that squirrel my famous panther call.

She'll think a for-real panther is comin'

and run out of that tree like a fat badger.

[LAUGHING]

[GROWLING]

Gee, Aunt Slappy, a panther.

You think so?

Maybe we better run for our lives, here.

[GROWLING]

I'm running away like a fat badger.

[GROWLING]

[ROARS]

[YELLING, SNARLING]

Whoa, panther!

[WHIMPERS]

The panther's in my bridge club.

* Daniel Boone was Very, very sore *

* Yes, painfully sore *

* He picked up a log *

*And charged Slappy Squirrel's front door *

[YELLING]

Who was that, Aunt Slappy?

Maybe a Flying Wallenda.

I'm not sure. My eyes are bad.

* Daniel Boone Was a great big guy *

* Daniel Boone Was a big dang bird *

* Yes, a really big bird *

* But he didn't know *

* That his disguise Was pretty absurd *

Quiet! You dadgum idiots.

This is a dang good disguise.

[CHUCKLES]

That old squirrel will think I'm just a big woodpecker.

I'll chop down this here tree right in front of her.

[CRASHING]

Ah, there's no rest for the elderly.

Hey! Are you Daniel Boone?

Shoot, no. I'm a big woodpecker.

Get out of here

with that woodpecker thing, there.

You're Boone.

No, I ain't.

My daddy was a big woodpecker and his daddy before him.

Can't you see how I'm-a peckin' at your tree for bugs and such?

I guess you really are a big woodpecker.

Dang straight.

Then, here.

I made you some woodpecker lunch.

[***]

[GROANS]

That's...right neighborly of you, ma'am.

Yeah, there's nothin' like dead bugs mixed with manure

and served on a big piece of rotten bark, eh, Woody?

[GAGGING]

* Daniel Boone Was a great big guy *

* Yes, a big sick guy *

* He lost his lunch All over the trees and sky *

That's nice singin'.

They remind me of Up With People.

*Daniel Boone Was a great big jerk *

* Yes, a stupid jerk *

* He had another dumb plan *

* That more than likely Wouldn't work *

That ties it. You boys are fired.

Come on down from there and get.

Hey, what's the big idea? You can't just fire us.

Yeah, who do you think you are?

Hey, we got rights, you know.

Wait a second. We got a contract.

Our agent said two weeks' work.

My agent said the same thing.

This is ridiculous.

I said get!

I'm gonna blow this here tree and that old squirrel sky-high.

And I don't need no dang smart-aleck chorus.

If'n I can't have that tree, then nobody's gonna have it.

[CACKLES]

Now, there's gonna be a big hole in the ground.

I could make it into a root cellar

or a...root cellar.

Hey, Boone, I moved all your gunpowder,

it was attracting ants.

[YELLING]

Shoot! Dang!

[SCREAMING]

Yeesh! Bet that left a crater.

What you wanna do tonight, Aunt Slappy?

How 'bout a little music, Skippy?

Hit it, boys.

[PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING]

ALL: * Slappy Squirrel Was a grand old dame *

*Yes, a very old dame *

*She whipped Daniel Boone *

* Now she pays us To sing of her fame *

What can I say? I love the lyrics.

[***]

It's over. Go away.