Original subtitles

NARRATOR: And now another...

useless fact.

Termites can live to be 50 years old.

Why, when I was a young termite

we used to have to walk 50 miles

in the snow with no shoes for a good piece of wood.

Not like you kids today.

This has been another...

useless fact.

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Shirley MacLaine-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

NARRATOR: And now the Warners present...the senses.

[***]

* The sense of sight Is what guides us right *

* When we go out on walks *

* The sense of smell's The way you tell *

* That you need To change your socks *

* The sense of touch Is what hurts so much *

* When you bang your toe On the bed *

* The sense of hearing Is something good *

* 'Cause if a tree Falls in the wood *

* Would there be sound? You bet there would *

* If it landed On top of your head *

ALL: * Your head *

* If a tree lands On top of your head *

* The sense of taste Affects your waist *

* Which makes five senses In all *

* There's a sixth sense too It's hard to explain *

* It's a psychic connection Inside of your brain *

* So you can understand people Like Shirley MacLaine *

* Who wear crystals They bought in the mall *

ALL: * The mall, who wear crystals They bought in the mall *

And now the other senses:

* Scents you can smell Like cologne from Chanel *

* Or the scents Of expensive perfume *

*Scents of flowers We hope overpowers *

*The kitty box Next to your room, P-yew *

* Sense of pride Deep down inside *

* When you practice A sense of fair play *

* There are cents That you pay at a toll *

*Or the census man Who is taking a poll *

* And a sense of confusion We're out of control *

ALL: * And they really should Take us away, away *

* They really should Take us away *

* There's a sense of humor A sense of doom *

* Or a sense of awe Sense of timing *

* The sense of a word A sense of absurd *

* Like trying to do All this rhyming *

* There's incense * * And horse sense *

* And common sense It's true *

* Sense of wonder Sense of beauty *

* Sense of honor Sense of duty *

YAKKO: * A sense of doubt A sense of danger *

DOT: * A sense of fear When you meet a stranger *

* A sense of style A sense of worth *

* Sense of direction For knowing the earth *

ALL: * A sense of dread As we're singing this song *

* That it's starting To turn out all wrong *

* It's time that we end it Because it's too long *

[ALL INHALE DEEPLY]

* 'Cause it just doesn't Make any sense, nonsense *

* This song doesn't Make any sense *

YAKKO: And now another...

useless fact.

Eskimos have more than 100 words for "ice"

and no words for "hello."

Oh, hello.

This has been another...

useless fact.

[***]

NARRATOR: And now: Dot's Poetry Corner.

[CLEARS THROAT]

"Humpty Dumpty."

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall

Humpty Dumpty retained a lawyer And settled out of court

For a lot of money And ownership of the wall

Thank you.

NARRATOR: This has been another visit

to Dot's Poetry Corner.

[***]

Gee, Brain, what do you wanna do tonight?

The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world.

* They're Pinky And the Brain *

* They're Pinky And the Brain *

* One is a genius The other's insane *

* To prove their mousy worth *

* They'll overthrow the Earth *

* They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain *

* Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain *

PINKY: How are we going to take over the world tonight, Brain, eh?

Get people stuck in super-sticky chewing gum?

Narf! No, Pinky.

Ooh! How about we wrestle the president?

Zort!

No, Pinky.

But, gee, Brain.

We are gonna take over the world, aren't we?

Not tonight, Pinky.

The world can wait.

Egad, Brain.

Are you feeling all right?

Pinky, I'm feeling more than all right.

I'm...

in love.

Narf. You? What?

[LAUGHING]

I met her today in the maze.

Her name is Billie.

She is of simple folk, fair and true.

You mean she's stupid?

A bit. Heh-heh.

She called me Egghead.

Egghead? Ha, ha, ha!

Narf! Ah, ha, ha!

[LAUGHING]

Do not mock a love-smitten mouse.

Oh, right. Sorry, Brain.

And so I shall woo her, Pinky.

And win her heart.

Do you know how I plan to do that?

Umm...

With a big wooden mallet?

Normally, Pinky, I would be compelled to hurt you,

but today I'm feeling forgiving.

I will profess my love

and give her my heart.

Ew, Brain, that sounds painful. Narf.

Let us go to meet this fair damsel.

BRAIN: Billie. Oh, Billie.

Who's that?

I, my lady, am the Brain.

We met today in the maze.

Oh, yeah, I remember you.

Egghead.

[LAUGHING]

You're-- You're right, Brain.

Narf! "Egghead."

[LAUGHING]

I hope you don't think me too forward,

but I've brought you something.

A precious, simple gift.

Oh, flowers?

Oh, no. It's an actual working mockup

of the bevatron particle accelerator.

Oh.

It kind of looks like a--

Big metal doughnut.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, like a big metal doughnut.

Yeah. Say, who's your friend, Egghead? He's funny.

This is my associate, Pinky.

Oh, what a pleasure to meet you. Narf.

I am so pleased, all pleased, all-over pleased, yes, I am.

[GIGGLES]

I like him.

Pinky? But he's... He's barely verbal.

Oh, well, pardon me, Mr. Egghead.

I happen to like him. Good night.

Wait, Billie, please, I--

Oof!

Whoa!

[CRASH]

Whoa!

[CLATTERING]

PINKY: * La, la, la La-la, la, la *

[PINKY SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

Quiet, Pinky.

What's the matter, Brain?

* I think She likes you *

Narf!

[GIGGLES]

No, Pinky.

The fact is she likes you.

But, Brain, I've already got a girlfriend.

Pinky, you are a mouse. This is a horse.

Oh, don't start that again, Brain.

But Billie, she responds to you.

You know how to talk to her.

[SNAPS FINGERS] Ah.

Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering?

Uh-- I think so, Brain,

but this time you wear the tutu.

Follow me. I have a plan.

[***]

Pinky, you stay here in the shadows.

Right-o, Brain.

* I'm helping the Brain I'm helping the-- *

Shh!

Billie. Oh, Billie.

Who's there? Pinky?

Is that you, Pinky?

No. It is I, the Brain.

[DISAPPOINTEDLY] Oh. Egghead.

[WHISPERING] Now, what would you say, Pinky?

Oh, um-- Uh, uh--

I know: Please, call me Eggy. Narf.

"Please, call me Eggy. Narf."

Oh, okay, Eggy.

Yeah, that's cute.

Now tell her, um...

Poit, I like your toenails.

"Poit, I like your toenails."

Oh, thank you.

PINKY [WHISPERING]: And, egad, your head looks like a really clean carrot.

[GROANING] Ooh.

"And, egad, your head looks like a really clean carrot."

That's funny, Eggy.

You sure know how to talk to a girl.

A clean carrot, yeah.

I guess I had you pegged all wrong.

Why don't you come on up here? I like you.

Oh.

Pinky, she likes me.

Oh, my heart. I'm going up.

MAN 1: Come on, we're gonna be late for bowling.

MAN 2: Be right with ya.

I just have to run one final experiment.

I need the results in the morning.

Oh, no.

Just as love comes my way.

Pinky, we must save her.

[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]

Oh, no, we're too late.

Narf.

MAN 2: That oughta do it.

We can check back tomorrow.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Billie, Billie, are you all right?

Eggy? Is that you, Eggy?

Yes.

Oh, Eggy.

I thought the electro-polarity

had altered the reticular formation

in my medulla oblongata.

Pinky, she's become incredibly intelligent.

Egad, Brain. She's probably even smarter than you.

What's the solution to Carpoleum's black hole equation?

The square root of 16,922.

I've been pondering that problem for five months.

She is smarter than I.

How annoying. I must go.

PINKY: But, Brain!

You mean you don't love her

just 'cause she's smarter than you?

Oh, I do love her, Pinky. I do.

But I must quickly go develop a plan

so we can take over the world.

But why, Brain?

If I don't,

she may beat us to it.

* They're dinky They're Pinky and the Brain *

* Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain *

YAKKO: And now another...

useless fact.

A shrimp's heart is in its head.

What's wrong? Headache?

No, heartburn.

[STING PLAYS]

This has been another...

useless fact.

* Like Abbott and Costello Like Sonny and Cher *

* Like Martin and Lewis They're a perfect pair *

* Like Laurel and Hardy Like Fontanne and Lunt *

* They're perfectly mismatched They're Rita and Runt *

Dr. Baboo, so kind of you to come.

Thank you for asking me, Dr. Himp.

I only hope that I may be of help to you

in your primatial researchings.

As you can see,

these are our gorillas in the mist.

Perfectly harmless. Completely at peace.

Mm-hm.

Very misty.

And here are our gorillas at the Ritz.

[IRVING BERLIN'S "PUTTIN' ON THE RITZ" PLAYING]

[GORILLAS GRUNTING TO MUSIC]

Mm-hm.

Very dancy.

This one's the problem.

Kiki, the angriest ape in the world.

[ROARING]

[SNARLING AND SNORTING]

[ROARING]

Aah!

In all my years studying gorillas in the Kahuzi-Biega,

I have never seen such aggressionality.

That is why she's kept separate from the other social groupings.

Has she not responded to mist?

No, no, not at all.

And she refuses to learn choreography.

We need your help, Dr. Baboo, to find a way to pacify her.

[***]

* Meow... *

DR. BABOO: Something outside has pacificated her.

Quick, let us see what it might be. * Meow-ow *

* Stomach's empty And I need to find food *

* This trash can Belongs to me *

* Some stray cats can be So awfully rude *

* Trash is public property *

* Don't mess with me I am in a bad mood *

BOTH: * Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow *

* Meow-ow-ow-ow *

* Bye-bye, kitten Hope someday ya find food *

Huh. Hey!

[GIGGLING DEVIOUSLY]

[SNORING SOFTLY]

RITA: Runt!

Oh, that's not a duck.

Yeah, it is a duck.

Oh, that's a good duck. That's a very bad, bad duck.

Oh, that's a good duck.

Oh-ho. Oh, big duck.

[SNORING]

Something tells me I'm gonna hate this episode.

Ooh.

[SCREAMS]

[BABBLING]

Put me down, ape face.

The kitten has placated her.

Now, either Kiki's maternal instincts

will overcome her aggressionality

or she will tear the kitten's head off.

Let's watch.

[***]

[GIBBERING SOFTLY]

[GROANS]

Cut that out!

Hair by Lyle Lovett.

Blech!

No, thanks. Call me weird,

but monkey saliva takes all the fun out of eating.

Uh-uh-uh.

[GROWLING]

[GULPS]

[YELLS]

[SPITTING LOUDLY]

[CHAINSAW HUMS, BELL RINGS, BUZZER SOUNDS, CAR HORN HONKS]

[YELLS]

I think I'll pass on dessert.

Yeow-ow!

[SIGHING SHAKILY]

[GIBBERING]

Ooh.

Oh, brother. Yeah, yeah, like this, right?

[GIBBERING]

Oof!

Mwah!

Ape slobber, yum.

Ooh, ooh.

Oh, I get it.

Monkey see, monkey do.

No.

Ooh, ooh.

Look, I speak Cat, not Gorilla, okay?

[GROANING]

Ooh, ooh!

She couldn't possibly bop me again.

Ooh, ooh.

I'm "ooh-ooh"-ing.

[GIBBERING EXCITEDLY]

Astounding. Kiki's happy.

And the kitten is exhibiting

gorilla-like behavioralisms as well.

[***]

Ooh, ooh.

[GIBBERING]

Send in the organ grinder.

[GRUNTING]

[GIGGLING]

You dated King Kong? No.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, right, and I'm Fay Wray.

Give me a break.

[CRIES OUT]

Now what?

Oh, no. No way.

[GIBBERING CONFUSEDLY]

[KIKI ROARING, SNARLING]

[YELPING]

[ROARS]

[ROARS, SNARLS]

[ROARS]

[GROWLS]

Mad ape!

[BOTH SCREAM]

I told ya, this is my trash.

Beat it or I'll claw your nose.

Aaagh!

[***]

Enjoy.

Aah! Aah!

[SNORING]

[YAWNS]

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

RUNT: Gah!

Get away from me, you evil duck.

Na-ah-ah-ah-ah!

[SNORTS] Huh? Huh?

Oh? Huh?

I had a bad dream, Rita.

Definitely, definitely had a very bad dream.

Me too, Runt. Me too.

YAKKO: And now another...

useless fact.

Starfish have no brain.

Uh, excuse me?

Yup.

Could you tell me where the beach is?

Mmm.

Nope.

This has been another...

useless fact.

[***]

It's over. It's definitely over.