Original subtitles

[***]

ALL: * It's time for Animaniacs *

* And we're zany to the max *

* So just sit back and relax *

* You'll laugh Till you collapse *

* We're Animaniacs *

BOTH: * Come join The Warner brothers *

* And the Warner sister, Dot *

ALL: * Just for fun we run around The Warner movie lot *

* They lock us in the tower Whenever we get caught *

* But we break loose And then vamoose *

* And now you know the plot *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Dot is cute and Yakko yaks *

* Wakko packs away the snacks *

* While Bill Clinton Plays the sax *

* We're Animaniacs *

* Meet Pinky and the Brain *

* Who want to rule The universe *

* Goodfeathers flock together *

* Slappy whacks 'em With her purse *

* Buttons chases Mindy *

* While Rita sings a verse *

* The writers flipped We have no script *

* Why bother to rehearse? *

* We're Animaniacs *

* We have pay-or-play Contracts *

* We're zany to the max *

* There's bologna In our slacks *

* We're Animan-y *

* Totally insane-y *

* Chicken chow mein-y *

* Animaniacs *

* Those are the facts *

[***]

Oh, help me, doc.

My head hurts.

Ah, here's the problem.

What is it?

You've got a cartoon stuck in your ear.

NARRATOR: Long, long ago, God looked down on the world

and saw great wickedness.

ALL: Party! Party! Party!

Woo!

God was not happy.

NARRATOR: Everyone on Earth was being a total jerk.

Everyone, that is, except a good man named Noah.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,

all good children go to heaven.

I hear the food's terrible there.

Ow.

Ma, you were right.

I did put my eye out.

MAN'S VOICE [BOOMING]: Noah.

Ma, your voice has changed.

I'm not your mother, Noah.

Oh, my God.

Precisely.

Noah, I have decided to make it rain

for 40 days and 40 nights.

I command thee to build an ark.

Okay, fine.

What's an ark?

It's what I've been searching for.

It's this incredible bejeweled box

containing the power of the heavens,

and it melts Nazis.

GOD: It's a boat, Noah.

Once the ark is finished, you will load onto it

two of every animal of this world

from great beast to tiniest bug,

so that they may be spared.

No spidees, okay? Please skip the spidees.

They give me the heebie-jeebies. I'm allergic to fear.

Do as I bid.

I shall flood the world.

Now, get to work!

NARRATOR: Noah was good to his word.

He completed construction just as the rains began,

and the animals marched two-by-two onto the Love Ark.

[***]

Okay, possums: Check.

Bunnies.

[IN UNISON] Buster and Babs Bunny.

No relation.

Let's hope not. It's a children's show.

Bunnies: Check.

Wolverines.

[WOLVERINES GROWLING]

For heaven's sakes,

let's not forget the always cheerful wolverines

the Lon Chaney Juniors of the animal kingdom.

Check.

Lab mice.

BOTH: Check.

These pantyhose are killing me, Brain.

I think I prefer knee-highs.

Who am I to judge? Ugh.

That's the entire list except for the hippopotami.

Where are they?

[THUDDING]

[FRENCH ACCENT] Hold the boat!

We could not find a taxi.

Would you carry this onboard pour moi?

No.

I believe this is the capitaine, not the porter.

Oh, Flavio, a faux pas.

You have such a quaint, lower-class look to you.

Shoot me.

Look, I don't know who you think I am,

and I wish I cared, but I don't.

Get on the boat.

MARITA: Oh, yes, let's.

I am not wearing waterproof mascara.

[ARK CREAKING]

Why me?

Ow.

NARRATOR: The Great Flood came,

and it rained for 40 days and 40 nights.

NOAH: Oy, up and down, up and down.

I hate the sea.

I hate boats.

Why am I out at sea in a boat?

Where's Gavin MacLeod when you need him?

At least you could've told me to pick up

some Dramamine or Pepto.

A saltine would be nice.

[GASPS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

We did not see you at the captain's table.

So instead we came here to meal with you.

Beluga caviar?

Unagi?

It means "raw eel."

Ugh.

[THUD]

Perhaps not.

[***]

[GROANING] [BANGING]

Stop. Please stop.

So sorry, my friend.

These squash courts are so teeny small.

Must be prefab, no?

Ta-ta.

I needed this?

Go on. Tell me I haven't done my bit.

Go on. Tell me.

I gathered all the animals.

I built the boat to code.

Okay, okay. So I cheated a little on the lumber.

But given the circumstances,

couldn't we do without those hippos?

Forget I asked.

[***]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

NOAH: Go away. There's nobody here.

I'm a hologram.

We will not go, captain.

We must speak to you at once.

Mr. Captain, we must complain about our cabin mates.

MARITA: They just hang around all day long,

and at night they keep us awake with their incessant knitting.

Knitting? What are you talking about?

Who's your roommate, Grandma Moses?

Oh, no, our roommates are--

The spidees.

Spidees!

How did he do that? I do not know.

He must have those new air-pumping sneakers.

I want some. I must have them.

Give them to me now, Flavio.

Come. Let me paint your tootsy nails instead,

make you feel all accouterment.

[***]

That's it. I quit.

I been on this lousy ship for what?

One, five, seven, twe--

Where's an abacus when you need it?

--36, 40-- Forty days and 40 nights.

SINGER: * Ahh *

NARRATOR: And so the flood ended

and the animals were sent forth to multiply.

And as for Noah, he built a lovely new home

and settled down to live out his days in peace and quiet.

[YAWNS]

MARITA: Greetings, neighbor.

You don't mind if we picnic on your hill

with our dear old friends from the cruise, do you?

Certainly you remember

[IN UNISON] the spidees?

FLAVIO: Care to join us?

No, no.

And I very rarely repeat myself.

No!

Apparently very shy or antisocial.

Oh!

You gotta help me, doc.

What's the matter?

I've got something in my eye.

Oh, I see what it is.

What?

It's the next cartoon.

* Chicken Boo What's the matter with you? *

* You don't act Like the other chickens do *

* You wear a disguise To look like human guys *

* But you're not a man You're a chicken, Boo *

[***]

All right, then, this is the final shot of the movie,

and I'd like you to sort of give it all you can, sugar.

No problem.

I'm looking forward to it.

Why, any girl in Hollywood would give up her Lexus

to kiss Mr. Boo.

Say, where is he?

Tony, get Boo to the set.

He's on his way.

Hey, Boo, what's it like

to be the sexiest man in Hollywood?

Boo, how do you handle

being the biggest star in Hollywood?

Boo, are you a giant chicken?

REPORTERS: What?

REPORTER 1: Are you outta your mind?

REPORTER 2: That's ridiculous. Crazy!

That's it. Everybody out. Off the set.

Go on. Get out. Shoo! Go on!

He's a chicken, I tell ya!

A chicken!

[CHUCKLES]

Boo, I'm sorry about that.

Some of those tabloid people,

they'll say anything to get a story.

Listen, can I get you anything? Anything at all?

A Pellegrino? How about a nice chicken salad?

[CHUCKLES] Sorry, that's right.

You're a vegetarian. Okay.

I say, Mr. Boo, everything okay?

Oh, good, good.

Now, uh, this shot, of course, as you know,

is the climax of the movie and--

[SNEEZES]

You really should see a doctor about that cold, Clive.

I am not sick.

How many times have I got to tell you, Tony?

These sneezes are an allergic reaction.

To what?

Chicken feathers.

[SNEEZES]

[BLOWING NOSE]

All right, are we ready?

[SNIFFLES]

Let's get this thing in the can.

Lights!

I can't wait to kiss you, Mr. Boo.

This is the most thrilling moment of my career.

You're a real man,

not phony like most of the other men in Hollywood.

CLIVE: Cameras, action.

[SMOOCHING]

Oh! Oh!

[CLUCKS]

What?

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

You're a chicken!

[SPITTING]

I kissed chicken lips!

Ugh!

[THUD]

Cut!

I told ya that guy was a chicken!

[CLUCKING]

You've ruined my picture.

I'll be the laughingstock of Hollywood.

You'll never work in this town again, Chicken Boo.

[SNEEZES]

Get him! Get him!

[SHOUTING]

* You wear a disguise To look like human guys *

* But you're not a man You're a chicken, Boo *

Oh, please, doc, you gotta help me.

My tooth hurts.

Open up and say, "Ah."

Ah.

Whoa, will you look at that.

What is it?

The next cartoon.

[***]

[BICYCLE BELL DINGS]

NARRATOR: As far back as I can remember,

I could always count on Bobby and Pesto's help

no matter what happened to me.

[HICCUPS]

[COOS] Am I beat.

What say we make like sleepers and shut our peepers?

[YAWNS]

[YAWNS]

[HICCUPPING]

[HICCUPS]

[HICCUPPING]

Hey, Squit, knock it off.

I'm trying to, Bobby.

Hiccups are an involuntary reflex, ya know.

I'll give ya an involuntary reflex.

Remember Lippy Lombardi?

Had hiccups so bad his neck caved in?

[COOS] Yeah.

[SCREAMS]

Ya gotta help me.

You do exactly what I tell ya

and you won't get croaked by hiccups.

Take a deep breath.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

Swallow it.

[GULPS]

Hold it till I tell ya to exhale, capiche?

That ain't gonna work.

What are you, some kind of expert in "hiccupology"?

As a matter of fact,

I am an expert in all things "anatamatonical."

Are you telling me I don't know what I'm doin' over here?

Is that what you're telling me?

Who, me? Tell you? Naw.

Bada-bing.

He is cured.

Thanks, Bobby, I-- [HICCUPS]

[LAUGHING]

What'd I tell ya?

[GULPS]

It-- It would've worked

if Squit knew how to do it.

Who told you to exhale, huh?

Well, maybe you could help him, Mr. Bigtime-Know-It-All.

Sure, Bobby, whatever you say.

Open up, Squit.

Ahh. I see the problem.

His duodenum's all spastical.

Yeah, that duodenum's outta whack.

What the coo's a duodenum?

The duodenum, birdbrain, is that dangly down thing

you got connected to your diaphragm

which operates your lung compression.

Yeah.

Well, can you fix it?

Yeah, yeah, forget about it.

Grab his beak, will you, Bobby?

Can you breathe?

Hm-mm. Good.

Hold still, 'cause I'm gonna put pressure on your abdomen.

[GASPING]

Pastitsio!

The Heim-hiccup-lich maneuver works every time.

Thanks, doc.

"Doc"? What's that supposed to mean?

I just said, thanks, doc.

"Doc"? What?

Are you saying I'm one of those seven ugly dwarves?

Is that what you're saying? That I am

some kind of shorty-short, white-bearded elfinette

here to whistle while I work for you?

Is that what you're saying?

No, I'm not saying that.

I am a doc.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's it!

PESTO: "Doc"! Here's your doc! [LAUGHING]

I'll give ya a doc, ya beaking, freaking, winkie-dinkie!

[HICCUPS]

Remember Coo-boy Capezio?

Had hiccups so bad his head collapsed?

Yeah.

Ah!

I don't want a collapsed head.

I don't want my neck to cave in.

[CRYING AND HICCUPPING]

Pesto, you got any ideas

how to rectify Squit's predicament?

Nah. You take care of him, Bobby.

Whatever treatment you prescribe,

I'm behind you 100 percent.

I want you to drink till I tell you to stop,

capiche? That ain't gonna work.

You give me one more iota of aggravation,

I'm gonna peck open your brainbox

and let all the air out.

[GULPING]

Whoa!

Oof! Oof!

[HICCUPS]

[HICCUPPING]

That ain't gonna work.

I've had it with you, Pesto.

I mean, it will work if Squit does it right.

What? W-w-what I do?

Bobby, come on.

[HICCUPPING] Don't peck open Pesto's brainbox.

Yo, Bobby.

[ALL GASP]

The Godpigeon.

[SMACKS]

[HICCUPS]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

The Godpigeon says:

"Remember Fluffer Frittata?

Had hiccups so bad his torso dissolved."

[COOS] Yeah.

[SOBBING AND HICCUPPING]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

The Godpigeon says there's nothing he can do for ya,

and he hopes you had a nice life.

[HICCUPS]

[ROARS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]

[ALL SCREAM]

[COOING]

What happened?

The Godpigeon stupefied the hiccups outta ya.

[COOING] Woo-hoo-hoo!

Thanks.

[COOS]

I love being a Goodfeather.

No matter what happens,

we stick together like the Three Musketeers.

"Musketeers."

What do you mean by that?

I just said we're like the Three Musketeers.

You know, all for one and one for all.

Are you saying that I am Annette Funicello

here to wear mouse ears for you?

That I am some kind of

"Hey, there, hi, there, ho, there,

come and join thy jamboree" punk on a kids' TV show?

Is that what you're sayin'?

No, I'm not saying that.

I am a musketeer.

Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm sayin'.

[CHUCKLES]

That's it! I'll give ya a musketeer!

SQUIT: Hey, ow. Come on.

PESTO: I'll give ya one upside the head,

that's what I'll give ya. I'm no musketeer! Zooey voom.

SQUIT: Friends...ya gotta love 'em.

[***]

[CLEARS THROAT]

We'd like to update the press on Wakko Warner's condition.

Earlier today, Wakko had a headache.

We found a cartoon stuck in his ear.

We pulled it out.

Then Wakko's eye hurt.

We found another cartoon stuck in his eye.

Uh, we pulled it out.

Then Wakko got a toothache.

We found another cartoon stuck in his mouth.

We pulled that one out as well.

So, Wakko, how do you feel now?

Oh, my bottom hurts.

Mwah!

Good night, everybody.

[***]

Wanna see me make bubbles with my spit?

Sure do.

In fact, that's the theme of our next show.

So don't miss it.