All language subtitles for American.Pie.The.Wedding.2003.720p.HDTV.x264-PurEvil

Well, Michelle, we did it.
Happy graduation.

You know,
living at my parents' house,

th-that's, um...
that's a temporary thing.

Uh, we've been going out
for, what, three years.

You're not, like, getting bored
with things, are you?

Michelle, I... I'm gonna ask you something
that I've never asked you before.

Is it kinky?
I don't think so. No.

You don't have to be embarrassed if you want
to add more spiciness to our relationship.

Actually, um,

maybe you could just, uh,
you know,

use your napkin.

My napkin?
Mr. Levenstein.

Yes.
You have a phone call.

Excuse me.
Thank you.

- Hello. - Jim, it's Dad.
Uh, you left the ring at home.

The box is empty.
But-But I'm on my way,

and I've got the...

I've got the ring, so
don't panic, son. Okay?

Bye-bye.

Who was that?

Uh, that was my dad.

That was, uh, my dad. That was, uh...
He couldn't get through on...

I didn't answer my cell.
So he was, uh,

getting all, uh...
was getting all worried.

You know how he is. But everything is,
uh... everything is okay now.

Everything is, uh...
Everything is perfectly fine.

I think I know what you're gonna
ask me.

And it's okay.
L... I don't have to use my napkin.

- Wha...
- I've got my own techniques.

Michelle, where... where are you going?

Michelle? Hey. Hey.

Okay.

Okay, Michelle. Michelle.

Okay. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, Michelle.

Psst!

Michelle, I think you need to stop.
Okay, keep going.

Oh, my God.
Michelle. Michelle.

Michelle! Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Okay.

Well, I made it. Where's Michelle?
The washroom?

You know, I was so nervous she was
gonna spot me. Here's the ring, son.

Ohh.
Let me tell you something.

This is some ring.
Look at the rock on this baby.

Mr. Big Spender. Hope you didn't
blow your wad on this, son.

Not yet.
Your mother and I...

could not be more
thrilled for you, Jim.

I mean, we're so happy. And I know
you're excited. I can see it in your face.

- I mean, you look like you're ready to burst.
- Uh-huh.

I mean, your cheeks, they're flush.
I wish your mother could be here.

Not me. That's what I wish.
You know, this is...

this is one of those moments, Jim,

that you're gonna remember
for the rest of your life.

- Yes, it is.
- You bet it is.

You bet it is.

I cannot believe my son
is gonna pop the question.

- What was that?

Th-That?

That? Knockin' on wood.

And what is this, uh, popping...
popping what? What question?

You are...
Oh, you're a wreck. What...

You need some air.
You need some air.

- Walk me to my car.
- No, I'm not walking you...

- Listen to me.
This is for your own good.

Oh!

Your penis!

Watch your penis.
I got it.

Your pants.
I got the pants!

I got the pants!
Please!

Everybody, please.
Everybody just calm down here.

Everybody, just quiet!
Lower your voice.

It's disgusting!

Now,

I came here to do something...

And, damn it, I'm...
I'm gonna do it.

Michelle.

Hello, dear.

Michelle Anabeth Flaherty,

I love you...

more than I could...

ever explain at this particular moment.

Dad. The ring.

Oh.

Will you marry me?
Yes.

My son.

I'm the happiest man in the world.

We should all be so happy.

Cheers, gentlemen, sweetheart.

I'm impressed.

Marriage is a binding,

unifying, eternal,

never-ending, permanent...

chaining together
of two people.

Jim, have you thought this through?

Yes. Yes, Finch.
Thank you.

I had actually been trying to figure it
out for a while.

You know, when is the right time?
Is there a right time?

And finally I realized, duh, you love
the girl, marry her.

Aw.

Oh! Let's dance.
Dance?

No.
No, you have to learn sometime.

Come on!

Don't laugh at me.

Okay, okay.

I'm just glad that's not me.

Finch, you don't think there's one girl you're
destined to spend your entire life with?

They're all for me, Kevin.

Not, uh... Not so bad, huh?
All right.

Do this.

I'm sorry.

Well, the wedding should be
rather entertaining.

Bro, that's it?

There's no keg anywhere.

Jim.
Hey, John.

The food and the drink
are really bad.

"F" for presentation.

The good news for you...
What's that?

We're gonna be
ushers at the wedding.

This is amazing.

I don't recognize half the people in
this place.

At least they all brought gifts.

Hello.
Hello. I'm Mary Flaherty.

Oh, hello.
Harold Flaherty.

Please, please come in.
Lovely to meet you.

We've been expecting you.
How was your trip?

- Delightful.
- Who's excited about the wedding?

Anxious might be more accurate.

Oh, w-w-we've never met your son.

You'll get to meet him.

Rudy and Sam would like to meet him too.
Oh, yes.

Better bring them in from the car.
They've been cooped up.

Oh, for heaven sakes.
You brought your sons?

Our dogs.
We never travel without them.

Oh, my goodness.
Well, honey,

why don't you go get those critters out of
the car and we'll start on some cocktails?

Ah, thank you.
Right. I'll, uh, get the dogs.

There's one thing that'll
make this wedding perfect.

No Stifler.

Well, that's one dick
we are not inviting.

- Motion seconded.
- Motion carried.

So, Finch, what are you gonna do
with that fancy NYU diploma?

I'll frame it.
Then I'll write my memoirs.

Well, you should come to law school, man.
You know I could use the company.

Kids, Michelle's parents are here.
Come on. We're waiting.

Oh, crumbs on the shirt.
That's bad. Okay. That's fine.

I'll change. I'll change.

Fuckers.

Well, polish my nuts and
serve me a milk shake.

Oh, cake, huh?
Hope it's good.

Hi. How are you?
Congratulations.

Hey.

Congratulation, jism.

Excuse me. Stifler.

Hey, Jim.
Stifler.

- What are you doing here?
- Happy fuck day, ass mouth.

Put the cake down.
Check it out. I made it myself.

That's very cute. What happened to my
invite? Got lost in the mail, fuckface?

I don't want to discuss this. Quiet!
Oh, quiet yourself.

I think I can spell...
Seriously, man. Seriously...

Jesus! Damn it, Stifler.

Jim, look what you did.
Look what I did?

Look at this shit.
What am I supposed to do now?

Are you happy now, man?
Why are you here?

My dick looks like a corn dog.
I got cake all over my balls.

Jim, honey.
Shit.

The Flaherty�s are waiting.
You think he's upstairs, honey?

Oh, you're fucked now, Jim.

Stifler, get up.

This dog's great!
Is it weird that it feels good?

All right.

What about the dining room?
I know you'll just love him.

- Jesus, Stifler.
- Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Stop enjoying it so much.
- Lick it off!

Whoo-hoo-hoo.!

Son of a... You little shit.

- You gotta take your pants off, man.

- Jim.
- No, it's not what it looks like.

- What are you doing, son? Jim.
- My dogs!

Don't go in there. Lord knows what
they'll do to you. I love this dog!

- I-I-I was just trying to get him off, Dad.
- That is your son?

Back away from the animal.

Hey, great party.
Uh, Mr. And Mrs. Flaherty, I presume.

Hey, where are you going?

Well, uh, lunch is, uh, served.

I... I really hope that, uh...
that-that we can just...

that we can all just forget about
this and-and-and move on...

and start again...
start again fresh.

Jim, if you hope to be the provider and
protector for our firstborn daughter,

you have a long way to go.

Thank you, sir.

They think you're an angel...

and-and I'm...
I'm just some ungrateful dog-rapist.

They just think they raised
a proper, little band girl.

And-And besides, sometimes it's...
it's nice to be a little more traditional.

How so? How-How do you mean traditional?
I'm thinking about the wedding.

Well, it's just this one day.

One day where-where everyone's
eyes are on me for a change.

I've just never walked into a room
and...

and had everyone go,
"Ooh," and, "Ahh,"

and, "Isn't she elegant?"

That is exactly how our wedding is
going to be.

I promise.

Shit, I've got a frosted ass crack.
Hey, Finch,

you want this for here
or to go?

"A witty saying proves nothing. "
Voltaire.

"Suck my dick. "
Ron Jeremy.

Oh, boys.
Anybody seen the bride's parents?

No? Hmm.

Wait a second.

Wait a second.
Come on, Stifler.

This isn't a graduation party.
Time to go.

Wait. Hold on.
Jim's getting married, isn't he?

Holy fuckin' shit!
This is major!

Do you have the slightest idea of how important
this is? We get to have a bachelor party.

Yes! We celebrate the death of Jim
with a party in his honor.

Buck up, fellas.
Show some enthusiasm.

It's gonna be fuckin' great.
Oh, my God!

Finch, he-he does make
a good point.

Yeah, he does.

You never heard me say that.

I do not deserve
a girl this cool.

Michelle said the wedding
was doable, right?

A wedding.
A wedding, yeah.

You know, I promised her her wedding...
you know, the wedding of her dreams.

Okay.
What's the problem?

Dancing. Uh, she wants...
she's gonna want to dance.

You know, there's that whole tradition:
The first dance at the reception.

She's gonna wanna dance
Fred Astaire kind of shit.

I can't do that. I can't... She learned
all that from band camp.

Okay, so you take lessons,
you know, right away.

Lessons. Okay. I have to convince her
parents that I'm not a shithead.

Challenging.
Indeed, challenging.

But doable.
What else?

What else?
I don't know what else.

That's the thing.
She cares too much to tell me.

She doesn't want me to worry
that she might be worried.

So I'm worried.

Recon.

You mean, like-like spying on, uh...
like spying on Michelle?

Spying is deceitful.

Extra attention
means you're concerned.

This is... This is true. This is good.
Guys, here's to the next step.

Would you please shut up with that
stepping? Put your glass down.

We'll find a wonderful place somewhere.
I promise. We'll keep looking.

Is everything okay in here?
The study can get a little chilly.

Do you have enough blankets?
We're fine. Thank you.

I... I was kind of hoping that, uh...

that someday soon
we could have a little talk.

I'd really like to tell you why I think I'll
make a good husband.

Whenever you get a chance.

- Oh, why is that?
Come on.

See, I was saying that soon...
we could talk.

This... This right now is-is sort of
the preliminary talk...

before the future... longer talk,

which would be like a...
a quiet, uh, private dinner talk.

Let him finish.

I'm talking to you.

Shh.
- Okay.

Good talking to you.

No. No, these aren't
gonna work.

Wow.

You guys in a sporting goods store.
Very good.

Hey, Finch,
I think they got your size.

Aw, beautiful.

Jim needs to learn
to dance for his wedding.

You know, I think he's screwed.

Of course he's screwed.
He's getting married.

I can't wait to see this disaster.

What makes you think
you're invited?

I already called up Jim's mom,
got the info.

I'm preparing
for the festivities.

It's time for me to boom-boom with
the bridesmaids, Finch-fucker.

'Cause I'm gonna hang out
with my wang out.

And I'm gonna rock out
with my cock out!

Ooh, yep, that's
what I'm talking about.

All right, Stifler. Um,

this-this is a little, uh,
difficult to explain.

Look, you're... you're okay.

You're okay.
I... I... I mean, uh... I mean, I like you.

Yeah, great.
You can blow me after practice.

I'm working, dude.
Well, dude...

- Come on. Work it! Hustle!

See, my mom didn't know that there
was a misunderstanding. Push it! Move it!

- You're not invited!
- Hold!

Dude, how the hell do you even
think you're getting married?

I've been looking out for your sex
life since high school. You what?

Ohhhh! Ohh!

The first tits
this guy ever saw...

were because of me.

The first girl he ever hooked up with...

was at my party at my cottage.

That girl is the girl he's marrying.

The Stif-man showed him the way.

- Can I get a "Hallelujah"?
- Hallelujah, Stifler!

But, my fuckers,

this mofo right here does not want
the Stif-meister,

the grand, fucking facilitator
to attend the wedding.

Who sucks donkey dick?
Jim sucks donkey dick!

Jim sucks donkey dick!
The answer's no. Okay? I'm sorry.

The answer's no.
I can dance.

What?
I can dance.

Jim sucks donkey dick!
Jim sucks donkey dick!

Five, six, seven, eight.

Okay. Now-Now what
exactly is this here?

Left box turn.
Left box turn.

Hi. Stop looking into
my eyes. Sorry. Sorry.

How do you...
How do you know how to do this?

My mom made me take it for three fucking years.
Yeah?

Yeah, I hated it.
No, you're really good.

Uh, you should take ballet
or something.

Fuckface! What part of "This sucks my ass"
do you not under-fuckin'- stand?

This is exactly what I'm talking about,
Steven. You can't behave like this.

I-If you want to come to the wedding,
I'm sorry, you cannot act like this.

Are you saying
I'm impolite or something?

Impolite would be
an improvement. Look,

just... just try not to be,
uh, you know, uh,

you.

Fuck this shit.
It's not worth it.

Hey, wait, Stifler.
Stifler, hold on.

Wait. Okay. Wh-What if, uh... What if you,
uh, plan the bachelor party?

With a dildo show?
Sure.

Look. Just... If you can find the time,
uh, to fit it in,

go ahead, surprise me.

Jim, your suspicions
are confirmed.

Michelle wants a dress
that she can't get.

The dress she wants is Amsale.
They have a store in Chicago.

Now, if we leave right now,

we can get there by the time they close...
a three-hour drive.

A three-hour drive?
Kick fuckin'ass.

Are we going to Chicago
to see titties?

We are talking about getting Michelle
a dress in Chicago.

Now, please, vanish.

Hey, Finch, what's the capital
of Thailand?

Bangkok!

Dude...
Hey, I got shotgun.

Let's get this dress shit over with.

The strip bar has got
free hot wings before 7:00.

Now, Jim, let me handle this.

These are my people.
They're gay?

No, you bleeding imbecile.
They have style. They're cultured.

- They're sophisticated.
- So they're gay.

So, mademoiselle,
I'm sure that you can appreciate...

that monsieur here is stuck right between
Scylla and Charybdis.

Yes, I'm afraid he's no Ulysses.

- Okay, what's happening here?
- You need to speak to my dressmaker.

That's who would actually make the dress.
And I'm afraid Leslie has gone for the day.

All right. She-She said she'd probably be
at one of these bars here on Halstead.

I say we split up and ask around
for a Leslie Summers.

Right.

Hey there, sweet little thing.

Hey there, you sweet manly thing.

You know, I really love your shirt.
Do I know you?

I'm Jennifer.
Well, Jennifer,

just relax, take it slow...

and let the good times roll.

'Cause Daddy's a regular here.
Do you want to get a drink?

You're goddamn right I do.
Whoo-hoo!

Whoo. Two cold ones.

Hey, you know, my friend would really
dig your vibe. Will you wait here?

Sure thing, babe.
Good.

All right.

How you feeling, sexy?
Pretty good.

Whoa. You have a deep voice.

That's not all.

Oh, right.

You look really cute tonight.
Thanks.

I guess. What the...

Oh, hey.
Gettin' a little frisky.

Oh. Game over.

What's happening here?

Hey. Any luck?

- Not so much.
- All right. Let's, uh...

This is Bear.

Hey.
Wow. You are a bear.

- Yeah.

How much you bench?

- How much you weigh?
- Why?

You wanna try
and pick me up?

Yeah, I think I could.

Yeah, I bet you could.
You are big.

I could use
a guy like you on my team.

Are you... Are you talking about
our team or an actual team?

What the hell is "our team"?

Hi. Where's the girl?

What the fuck
are we talking about?

You need to take
another look around.

- Hey, honey.! - Oh, my God.
What the fuck is going on?

- Come on.
Is that all you got?

Pussy!

I, uh... I must have came
to the wrong place. Stifler.

Stifler.
Oh, man.

Hey.
Oh, it's so good to see you.

L... How did you get up the nerve
to check out a gay bar?

Yeah. Really don't wanna talk about it
right now. I just wanna go home.

- Your friend here was just leaving.
- Eat shit.

Did you find Leslie?
Fuck your stupid dressmaker, man.

- You guys know Leslie Summers?
- Uh, we're trying to find her.

You know what? I think you guys are
out of luck. Why don't you go home?

No. Y-You know Leslie... He knows Leslie S...
Okay, look.

My friends and I just drove
all the way from Michigan...

to find my fianc�e the wedding dress
that she deserves.

Now, we need Leslie to make it for us.
Can-Can you please help us find her?

I'm sure Leslie always helps
associates of assholes.

What are you looking at?
I'm not a steak.

Listen, breeder, not every gay man
wants to have sex with you.

Oh, yeah?
Listen up, ass jockey.

If I were gay, you'd want me.
Really.

Really. I got style.

I'm cultured.
I'm sophisticated.

And all that just radiates
from your oh, so sexy self.

That's bullshit.

Everyone wants a piece of the
Stif-meister.

Right! Yeah!

Without a doubt!

- I'll show you fuckers.
- Bye.

Everybody say, "Bye. '"Bye.

Bye.

Bye.
Good luck with the dress.

Give us a drink.

Mother of God.

Bitch!

Whoo-hoo.!

What is this, a dance-off?

Oh, yeah?

Go, big boy.!

I love you!

What?

Fabulous. Seeing that
was worth anything.

Look, I'm Leslie Summers,
and you've got yourself a dress.

Thank you. Oh, my God.
Thank you.

Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.

Yeah, no problem.
Hey, who's your friend? Uh, K-Kevin.

Was that the best night
ever or what? Stifler,

are you... are you kidding me?
It was amazing.

Hey, guys!
Hey, hey.

Hey, when you get your bachelor party
together, I manage some girls in town.

Real ones.
All right.

Call me. Damn, Stiffy,
you got some moves.

Told you that guy
wanted to fuck me.

I can't believe this. They're really
gonna make the dress for me?

They are expecting your call.
Go ahead. This is so cool. Oh.

I love you.

Thank you.

Well, that worked out.

Well, maybe it's time we have
that special dinner chat.

I'll have turkey.

Thanks for helping out.

We're so close, and there's still so
much to do.

Cadence!

Hey.
Hi.

Cadence, this is Paul Finch. Finch,
meet my younger sister, Cadence.

Nice to meet you.
You're reading Descartes.

Yep.

Cogito ergo sum.
"I think, therefore I am. "

Hungry.

So, when's Mark getting in?

Uh, let's see,
that would be never.

Did you guys break up?
How tragic.

Uh, sorry, Paul Finch.
Girl stuff.

Just stay calm. I'm available,
she's available. It's all good.

She's a beautiful girl,
and you're you.

I dumped him.

But it was Mark. I thought
you really liked him. He was nice.

Yeah, but sometimes nice isn't so nice.

W- Wait. Hold on.
Let me get this straight.

He didn't want to do it. He said he
didn't want to ruin what we had...

by deflowering ourselves.

Who the hell uses
the word deflower?

That's like something Mom would say.
Yeah.

And I'm starting to realize that Mom and
Dad's idea of appropriate behaviour...

might be a little bit different than mine.

Mitch, you're in love.
Shh.

You're getting married.
I mean, what's this like?

It's like it's...
I'm never gonna be able to explain it.

I wanted us to write our own vows for
the wedding, and now I can't do mine.

L... How do you explain love?

Uh, I-I guess
I wouldn't know.

I don't think I've ever
felt that way about a guy.

Oh, someday you will.
Maybe.

But in the meantime, I don't think it would
hurt to get a little rowdy this weekend.

Jim's got single friends,
right? Yes.

- Think Finch is a possibility?
- Oh, Finch is boneable.

Yes, he is boneable.

Dickhead. You do not send shit
to my office at school.

Hey, Stifler. Why don't you come in
and make yourself comfortable?

Your letter made a great impression on
Coach Marshall when he read it.

Let me just refresh your memory,
partner. "Dear Steve,

I will be forever in your debt if you teach
me to dance like you did in the gay bar. "

I put serious thought
into that letter.

"Don't push me 'cause I'm
close to the edge.

I'm trying not to
lose my head. " Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

These are really nice. I mean,
for a bridesmaid dress.

- At least something you can actually
wear again. - Wear again.

But you don't think
it's too sexy, do you?

I mean, I don't want to seem slutty or anything.
I'm trying to attract a decent guy here.

It's a wedding.
They'll all be decent guys.

I just don't feel quite like a virgin in it.

Oh!

So, you guys have to be psyched
to be done with college.

I mean, I swear, I'm running out of
room in my brain for everything.

There's always room for
Plato and Aristotle.

Some of my favourites.

Excuse me, guys.

Finch,
she thinks you were being sarcastic.

Okay. It's so good to see you.

You want some help? Here. Let me...
Let me help you out there.

There you go. Okay.
You keep fighting the good fight, sir.

It's great.

That was really sweet of you.

Yeah. I love old people.

Hey, I hate to be nosy
and impolite, but, um,

do you know Jim Levenstein and
Michelle Flaherty? Yeah.

Are they here?
Well, I'm Cadence, Michelle's sister.

I had no idea.
I'm their good friend Steven.

Well, it's nice to meet you.
Yeah, you too.

Well, they're around town doing
some wedding stuff. That's cool.

But there's still a few of us in the
other room if you want to join us.

I don't know. I mean, you look so nice,
I feel underdressed.

Well, I think you look great.
Thank you.

Oh, here they are.
Hi, boys. Don't stand up.

- The dads aren't here yet?
- I'll go find him.

Now, which one of you
is the best man?

Jim didn't pick just one.
Or I mean, he-he couldn't decide.

- Hey, Paul. Hey, Kevin.
- Mom, I want you to meet Steven.

He's friends of Jim�s and mine and,
oh, everyone's.

You look very familiar,
Steven.

Really? Oh, I'm afraid
we've never met. Oh.

Oh. Well, we have now.

Oh, looks like you found
Samantha's Sweets.

Oh, yes.
Isn't their chocolate just to die for?

- Oh, well, you have no idea.
- Actually, I do.

I love chocolate more than life itself.
More than life itself.

Yes.! I was just saying
to your friends that...

I have something
very precious here.

What is it?

Michelle's grandmother's...
my mother's... wedding ring.

Isn't that precious?

But since all of you
are the best man,

I don't know who should
ho-hold onto it.

- I think it's best if I...
- Oh, um...

I think you should get to know us first
and then decide.

You are such a gentleman, Steve.

I hear that all the time, but it never gets old.
Aw.

Hey, Paul, uh, do you have a camera?

How thoughtful.

I must have forgotten
my camera at home, Steven.

Oh, m-maybe you could take,
like, a mental note.

- I won't forget this moment.

I bet you won't.
Would you care to join us?

I would love to.
Thank you. Well, come on.

Lovely to see you fellas.
Thank you.

Oh, amazing.

What the hell is he doing
near my flowers?

I love the way the tulips
accentuate the, um...

- What do you call those again, sir?
- Double Lisianthus.

Lisianthus.
Double "Lisianthums. "

What a pretty name.

I told him to be nice,
or-or he couldn't come to the wedding.

I will take care of this. I will take care of this.
Hey. Hey, James.

Oh, great. Come on over.
Oh, great. Come on over.

See if I forgot anything.
I don't think... Oh. Oh, oh.

We're having a great time.
I think I've got it all.

Oh, look, look, look, look.

- Sahara and Desert Rose...

for your bridesmaids' bouquet.

Oh, give me that.
Smell this.

It's fantastic.
Fantastic.

And, oh... Oh. Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Look at this.

Oh, boy. Let's go look at
the candelabrum, honey.

I think with the Summer Blossoms.
Mm-hmm.

Cutie.
Thank you for everything.

What do you think, girls?
Isn't this adorable? Bye, Cadence.

Okay, I know... I know what you're doing.
Look. Have you seen yourself?

I can't believe you're doing this.
Just calm down, dude.

It's all set.
What's set?

I'm gonna teach you to dance
like a "Baryshiniankov. "

Oh, yeah.
He is pretty good.

Jim, he's not doing it to be nice.
He's doing it to bone Cadence.

Look, maybe we should give him a chance.
You know, I think... I think...

that underneath all the fucks
and shits and blow mes,

there's a very sensitive person
who is just thirsty for acceptance.

That's-That's what I think.

Oh, Jim, you've gotta stop masturbating.
It's melting your brain.

Observe the fuckin' Stif-meister.

What is his defining characteristic?

He uses the F-word excessively.

Thanks, man.

But I also have confidence.
You're one big floppy cock.

Look at you.
You've gotta stand like a man.

Your posture tells your partner
where to go.

Okay. Okay.
Okay?

Follow my lead.

This is the waltz.
Waltz. Okay.

Waltz. Okay.

That's pretty good.
You're fuckin' right it's good.

I'm gonna save your ass
in this wedding.

Pretty soon you're gonna
want me to shave your balls.

Should I shave my balls? Do you shave
your balls? How do you do it?

Dude, no.

L... I... I'm just...

Shaving.

You know, there's nothing like
a local pub.

Mm-hmm.
It's like real America...

without all that corporateness and catchy jingles.
Well, what's wrong with a good jingle?

I think it was Voltaire who said,

"A jingle witty proves everything
for my friends and I."

- Cadence.

I didn't know you were gonna be here.

You're just in time
for Voltaire's greatest hits.

Voltaire?
Stifler, please, who was Voltaire?

Someone much wiser than you,
I'm afraid, Finch.

Actually, I'm getting a little burned out
on all the intellectual stuff.

Yeah. Me too.

Being smart is so hard.

I'll give you some intelligence.

Voltaire can suck on my balls.

What?

It's about time somebody
finally came out and said it.

Hey, I'm gonna give you a quote to live by.

"Love life, get paid and then get laid. "

That is the basic philosophy
of the Finch-meister.

I like that.

- Bet you do.
- But I don't know why you do...

because Finch-meister doesn't
make any friggin' sense.

- Sure, it does.
- No fuckin' shit it does.

Cadence, let's leave
the "crayton" here, shall we?

Whatever. Fuck it.
I'm walkin' anyway.

Wait. You know, actually, I think I'm gonna
go stretch my legs with the Finch-meister.

- You don't mind, do you, Steven?
- No.

Ha!

It's on like Donkey Kong, bi-i-itch.

Pack it up, bitch.

I'm on it. Thank you.

So, uh, Cadence say
anything about me?

Whatever you and Finch are pulling,
she seems to like you both.

Finch. Is she gonna be
around tomorrow night?

No, she's going up to Chicago
with Michelle for the final dress fitting.

What about her parents?
I think her mom kind of likes me.

They're going up north with,
uh... with my parents...

for, uh... you know, to get things, uh,
ready for the rehearsal.

So, uh...
So that's where they'll be.

So don't bother looking for them or anything,
you know.

A wedding.

Shit. How do you know
she's the right girl?

I just do.

I'm a better person when I'm with Michelle.
Nobody else can... No, no, no, shithead.

You hooked up with one other girl for,
what, 10 seconds.

Not to mention you passed on Nadia.
Dumbest fuckin' thing ever.

You're like a blind man picking
out his favourite porno.

This shit is crazy.

This is just the old pre-wedding jitters,
son.

It's so forever, you know. It-It's, uh...

You know, Michelle is the only, uh,

girl that I've... I've been with.

Honestly, now... Honestly, would you
have passed up sex with Nadia?

Why? Did she say something?

Hypothetically, Dad.
Oh, hypothetically.

Well, I mean, you know,
Jim, I'm a married man.

I'm...
If-If-If you weren't married.

She's a college girl.
If you were a college guy.

In a heartbeat.
Oh, yeah. Mm-hmm.

First of all, what-what you're feeling is
so normal and perfectly natural.

Marriage is not about, uh, animal lusting
and-and kinky sex games.

It's not so much about who's the dog
and who's the fire hydrant tonight.

It's-It's deeper than that.

The longer a marriage lasts,

uh, the longer you can go,

uh, without sex.

But when that magic night
does happen, uh,

it's-it's all the more meaningful.

And let me tell you,
your mother, bless her,

can still make me, uh,
squeal like a pig.

Uh, and I mean that in the good sense, son.
Do you follow what I'm saying?

You understand where I'm going?
I do. I, uh... I think I, uh...

Anything else you need?
No. No, that's, uh...

Anything I can do.

He's not here. Park the cars down
there where he won't see them.

Hoo! Fuckin' right!

So, you like my pants, Stiffy? Whatever,
dude. As long as the girls are worth it.

They're worth it. Oh, and if you've got some
good wine too, that'll score some points for you.

- We think there's some in the...
in the basement. - I'll get it.

You ain't gonna want to miss this.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, I would like to introduce...

Officer Krystal und Frauline Brandi.

Oh, my God.

Oh.! Oh.! Oh.! Yeah.!

- Oh, my God!
- You boys have been very messy.

Whoops.
Can you see my fanny?

Ohh!

Oh!

- You naughty girl.

None of that pleading the Fifth crap!

Wow.!

Oh, my God!

Are you just gonna stand there and drool?

- Or are we gonna have a bachelor party?
- Fuck yeah, we are!

Yeah? What?
I can't hear you.

Louder!
Y- Y-Y-Y-Yes. Bachelor party.

Look, maybe we should
just wait for... Jim.

Fuck Jim, man! This is for us.
This is awesome!

Take her top off.

My girlfriend has strict rules
about this. No touching.

No, that's my favourite...

It was my favourite shirt.
Uh, okay.

Like I said, this is awesome.

Stifler, why in the world
are you focused on me?

I'm surprised to see
you don't have tits.

Go put something on that I must clean
off with my tongue.

Ah!

Oh, yeah.

Look at you, you pathetic,
little weasel.

Can't I just watch?

Look, you don't have to do
anything if you don't want to.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on.

Don't break character ever again.

Okay? I don't care if Kevin starts crying
because Finch bit his cock off.

You're a dirty cop, you're a prissy maid and I am your
filthy cabana boy in need of much punishment and cleaning.

Don't you ever mouth off
to Officer Krystal,

you dirty, little pervert!

Guys, are we having dinner?

Here, let me get that.

Holy shit!
Stifler.

I've got something really nice cooking
up for you. Well, we love surprises.

Stifler, you said you spoke to Jim. I did.
I was secret about it and everything.

He said he'd be the only one here
tonight. What the fuck, shit-brick?

Chocolate.
Ah, sh...

Now, I told everyone that you were
up north with my parents.

Okay. So we won't be bothered. We can
just, uh, totally relax and no worries.

Please come on in.

Make yourselves at home.
Right this way. Thank you.

Sir.

What?

Pink roses.

Pink roses.
Yeah.

They're nice, aren't they?
Yes. Artificial. Nice try.

Well...
I almost got ya.

Yeah. Well.

So, has Michelle ever told you
the story of how we fell in love?

Oh, why don't you retell us now?

It's... It's one of my favourite stories.
Where should I begin?

Um...

Let's see. Uh...

Well, I suppose, uh...
I suppose it all started at, um...

Tall Oaks.

That's-That's right.
At Tall Oaks.

That was the summer when, uh... Oh!

Oh! The summer that was so hot.

So hot.
All right. Look what I got.

Jesus!

Hey there.
Hi there.

Hey.
Jim, I cannot believe you.

- You can't? - You hired help on our
account? That is entirely unnecessary.

But I will have some of that wine, sir.

- Say, "Please," Harold.
- Please. Of course.

Absolutely. It's what he's here for,
is-is the wine, obviously.

Yes. Evidently.
What else would you be here for?

And-And-And I certainly appreciate
your-your-your courtesy, sir.

Ah. Uh, well, yes.

Uh, we have... we have right here
a 1999...

cabernet seve... um...

full-bodied, masculine wine.

Just shouts sophistication.

- James.
- Yes.

Well, I can see you're very surprised
to see me here.

A little bit.

I'm going to go check on the dogs.
Yes, yes!

In fact, why don't you both
go check on the dogs and...

No, no, no. Don't check on the dogs.
They're fine.

- How do you know?
- Because I just checked on the dogs.

Because he just checked on the dogs.
Good work, man. I did.

- Jim, I'll help you with the turkey.
- Okay.

Um, and I'll keep you company.

Thank you. Whoo.

So, how long have you been
a sommelier, Mr., um...

Belvedere, ma'am.
Oh. Belvedere.

So, how long do we have to
stay in here for?

I don't know.
They said to hide.

Who knows what kind of kinky shit
they're getting ready for us.

So, do these go
in your ass tonight or mine?

Do you have a serving dish ready?

- Jim.
- Hmm?

We need a serving dish.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Of course.

- Oh!
- What?

- Nothing.
- Then why the excitement?

I thought, uh, the-the dish was broken.

Well, is it?
No.

Then, are you going to get it?
Yes.

Here you go. One serving dish.
Excellent.

Now what we need...
a cutting board.

Huh? No, no, no, no!
Stop! What?

L- I will get it for you.
Nonsense. I can get a cutting board.

Ah, let's see. There you go.
This should do nicely.

I presume we're having
white wine with the turkey.

Uh, let me go check.

What happened here?

Oh, um, that... that's mud.

I meant to clean that up this morning.
How embarrassing.

That's gonna stain.
We're gonna need a mop.

I'll get it.
It's in this closet.

Oh! No, no, no!
No, it's not.

- It's in there.
- It's not in this closet...

because I-I, um...
I moved it... I moved it.

Well, where?
I'll go get it.

L- I don't...
I don't remember.

You don't remember?

You know why I don't remember
is because I actually did not move it.

The cleaning lady did.

Your mother said you don't have
a cleaning lady.

- I don't know why she would say such a...
- You called, master?

- Holy...
- Well, there you are.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

Uh, so, cleaning lady,

we were wondering
where... where the mop was.

Master put the mop
in my fanny.

- You what?
- Who put what where?

I did no such thing anywhere.

Shall I clean?

Harold.

Very well.
It is so hot in here.

Holy Jesus!

Oh, Brandi, Brandi. What are you doing?
You're not in Eastern Europe anymore.

You can't do that. I am so sorry about my
... my cousin. She's not used to our customs.

I'm very sorry for recommending
her to you, Jim.

Oh, here's, uh...
here's this mop.

Ah, yeah. Got the mop.

Brandi, you left the mop
in the car. Hmm?

Now remember, it's called a car,
not a fanny.

You remember last time when you wanted
me to take a ride in your fanny?

Oh, dear, I'm so sorry.

You know what?
We should probably just go.

I'm so sorry about this. I just came by
to make sure everything was in order.

Ooh, food smells great!

Au revoir.

Jim, you have unique friends.

Harold!
Let's get that cleaned up.

Um, I think I saw some Pine-Sol in
here too.

Aye-yay-yay.
Oh, my God!

Oh, my Lord.!
Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

He's okay. Are you all right?
Are you okay?

Who did this to you? I'm sure he's okay.
Are you okay?

Get some help! Harold, call the police!
No, no, please.

- All right!
- Jesus!

I'll take charge from here.

- They are fast here. And nicely attired.
- What's going on here?

- She's here to protect and serve.
- Quiet!

- Okay.
- Who let this boy out of the closet?

You are all in for
a hard punishment now.

Don't you touch him.
He's been hurt.

- No, this is hurt!
- Ow!

You can't do that.
Silence, fucker!

- Ow!
- Oh, you like it.

- Oh!
- Harold!

What's gotten into you?
I meant "ow. "

- You're a disgrace to the police force.
- I'll be giving you an enema!

Hey, somebody untie me.!

- Back off!
- All right, forget it. We give up.

Oh, Steven! Steven!

- Oh, it's okay, Mary.
- What's going on?

Listen. This isn't
working, guys.

Krystal, you can drop the act.
This isn't a real cop.

Kevin wasn't assaulted.

I just wanted to make Jim
look good for you guys.

Like a real hero.
Kind of like me.

So, we hired a fake cop and we tied
up Kevin and put him in the closet.

Jim was supposed to rescue him,
untie him, give him mouth-to-mouth.

I don't know
what he likes to do.

You know, and then Paul Finchhired an
exotic dancer instead of a real actor.

Jim, is this true?

- Every word of it. - That is the stupidest
idea I have ever heard.

You've embarrassed me and Harold
and Mr. Belvedere.

It's all my fault.
I'm a bad person.

Oh, you're not a bad person. You were
just trying to help out your best friend.

And it was an awful idea. But I suppose
it's the thought that counts.

You know, actually, um...

Actually, I-I never
should have allowed...

such a... such a crazy plan
to happen in the first place.

If you're gonna blame anybody here,
blame me.

Well, I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't realize how
much pressure we put on you.

I'm sure you both learned your lesson
and I suppose I understand.

Jim, if you put half as much energy into
your marriage as you put into tonight,

I'm confident that I can give you
my blessing.

And, Steven, we still adore you,
honey.

In fact, I think I know
who should hold onto this.

We adore you.
You'll take good care of it.

You've gotta be kidding me.
No.

Look it, Jim. Kevin. Boy, this really makes
me important to the wedding, huh?

Yes.

Well, Mr. Belvedere, it's gonna
be one fucked-up wedding.

Absolutely.

- Drive carefully.
- There's more bags in the study.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Ow! Is there any room
for me?

Uh, nope.

Oh, I'll just drive up north
all by myself.

That sounds good.
We'll see you later.

No, I'll drive with you.
Oh, thanks, Cadence.

- Beautiful lady.
- Sure.

- Hey, Finch... I know, shut up.
- Kevin.

So, my mom found the dogs playing with
something unusual this morning.

What?
I told her it was a neck massager.

Oh, these are great.

You're gonna have
a fun weekend, Ma.

I am missing my soap.
Well, don't you worry about your soaps.

Will you push faster?
I'm tired.

And wait till you meet Michelle.
You're gonna love her. She's sweet as sugar.

I can't eat sugar.
I know, because you're diabetic.

You know, Ma, I know things haven't
been going well for you. I know that.

But wait till you see Jim standing
up there at the altar tomorrow.

I mean, if ever there was a time to be
happy and smile the biggest smile,

now is the time.
Okay. Okay!

I'm overjoyed.

That's... That's a start.

Proud grandmother
coming through.

Grandsons getting married tomorrow.

You think she's happy now?
Wait till tomorrow.

Congratulations.

Grooming.

The flowers stay refrigerated
until morning.

- Just as we made them.
- Oh, I'm sure they will.

Oh, my...

- Oh! Ah!
- Oh, Jimmy, no!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I hope you'll be more careful
with the next one.

My kitchen is not a toilet.
Okay?

Boy, pubic hair was just not an issue
when I was dating.

The ladies, uh, never complained
when they were...

you know, down in that general area.

Okay, if you never mention that
ever again, that'd be great.

You're right. No, no, no. Okay.
Shouldn't have brought it up. Maybe...

So, can I see the ring?

Nope. Promised to keep it safe.
It's not leaving my pocket.

Okay, Frodo.

You really care about
this wedding, don't you?

Yeah. I'm gonna cry
at the ceremony.

I know it.

Are you just saying
all of this?

I mean, do you act differently
around certain people? Namely me.

Of course not. Why? Do you act
differently around me?

Generally I'm just me. If people don't
like it, then that's their problem, right?

Yeah. Fuck those fuckers.

What?

- I... I didn't... - No, you know, you're right.
Fuck 'em.

- Hey, Harold and Mary.
- Oh, hi, kids. - Hi.

How's it going?

Thanks for, um... Come on.
Thanks for watching the dogs.

I love these guys. Hey, you guys want
more Snausages? Huh? There you go.

- Eat 'em up, fellas.
- Give me some.

Oh, there you go.
I don't think I have any left.

- What's wrong?
- Oh, shit.

- Are you okay?

Yeah.

- You kissed Stifler?
- Yeah, but then he freaked.

And it's like he's been paying more
attention to the dogs than me.

Can I stop worrying then? Michelle,
he's been nothing but nice to me.

I mean, do you think
he really likes you? Like...

I don't know.
I hope he likes me.

I mean, I think
he likes me.

We're... Well, yeah, I guess
I hope he likes me.

Do it.

Don't fuck around.

Just relax and let it go.

I'm sick of waiting.

Do it for Daddy.

Will you just take a shit already?

Great.

You fed the ring to the dogs,
didn't you?

Of course not.

You have been staring at those dogs
like a hawk all day.

I'm a dog lover.

Oh, and by the way...

apparently you missed
when Cadence kissed me.

Slight tongue action too.

It was something like this.

You're a terrible liar, Stifler.

If I were lying, I'd think of something
better than a kiss.

Game over for you, Finch.

Oh, fuckin' right, doggy!

It's about goddamn time.
Jackpot.!

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have some shit to attend to.

Great!

Thanks, assholes.

You know, maybe you can call them.
Oh, okay.

Steve, come over here.

Uh, I'm a little busy.

With what? Come on over.
We need you.

- Get over here, you little rascal. - We were
just talking about Michelle's wedding band.

Could I see it?

Um, no.

- No?
- I don't have it.

What? You mean you lost it?
Of course not.

I'm keeping it safe in my room,
you silly Sally.

- I apologize.
- That's fine. I'll just see it later.

Okay. All right then. What do you have
in your hand there?

- This one?
- No, the other one.

It's a chocolate truffle.
Ooh, yummy.!

Where did you get that?

Oh, the caterer said she was saving
the truffles for tomorrow.

You sneaky devil.

Well, hey, I managed
to sneak one right past her.

Oh, come on.
This woman loves chocolate.

- At least give her a tiny nibble.
- Give it to Mama.

Mama don't want this.
This is the only piece that I have.

- Idiot.
- Well, break it in half. Come on.

You know what? Let's just leave
the surprises till tomorrow, huh, guys?

- It's gonna be a great day.
- I'd like my surprise right now.

- No, it's mine!
- Steven, give it to me.

- No.
- Give me the "G" darn truffle.

Steven, that is so selfish.

- Mm, it's good.
- Is it? Is it sweet?

It's so sweet.

- Close your mouth when you chew, Steven.
- Don't do that.

At least you could describe to the
lovely woman how delicious it is.

Well, tastes like twigs
and berries.

- Is it fresh?
- Oh, it's so fresh.

- Nothing better than when they're fresh.
- Nothing better.

- Droppings from the gods.
- Ooh!

Get me another one, darling.
Come on.

Hey, look, man. I gotta go.

Okay. Off with ya.

Grandma, I want you
to meet some people.

Grandma, this is Michelle.

I'm so proud to be joining your family.

She's real pretty, huh?

Isn't it great?
We're getting married.

It's amazing, Gram.

Not Jewish. No wedding, Jimmy!
No wedding.

Forget it. Goy.!
Grandma?

- Shit.
- Jim, she hates me.

Oh, my God!
Grandma!

Grandma, we love each other.

Michelle and I love each other
very much.

And that's all that matters.
Grandma.! Grandma.

Michelle. Michelle.

But, uh, Grandma's okay.

Oh, she's okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, Dad.
She's okay. She's just a little tired.

Okay. My mother
hasn't been well.

When your dad sees the look
on Grandma's face...

it's... it's gonna
break his heart.

- Because of me.
- It's not because of you.

Michelle, it's not because
of you at all.

It's because Grandma thinks
it's 1801.

Look. Don't... Don't worry.
I will... I'll come up with something.

I promised you
the wedding of your dreams,

and I'm not gonna let
anything ruin it.

Oh.

I would like to propose a toast.

These last few weeks have really been
something for my lovely wife and me.

We have met some people
we didn't know existed.

We've experienced some things
we didn't think were possible.

We've always tried to make
the best of every situation.

- This is a good situation.
- That's what I'm saying.

This is a wonderful situation.

The coming together of two families
from different backgrounds.

So, to our new son-in-law,
may we say Erin Go Braugh.

To our lovely daughter
Michelle, L'chaim.

- Did I get that right?
- Very good.

Uh, and let's hope we can sip
many happy shivas together.

Here's to a wonderful wedding.

Cheers.

See that, shit-brick.
Told you I won.

Hey.
Hey.

So, I just wanted to say I'm sorry if
I freaked you out with the whole kiss thing.

You didn't freak me out.

I just wanted
to let you know that...

you make me feel special.

I think you're the most
special girl I've ever known.

Maybe you'd wanna make things
extra special tonight.

Which room is yours?

I'm crashing at Kevin's.

Damn.
But I saw...

like a big, fluffy linen closet
at the end of the main hallway.

Yes. Big, fluffy linen closet is good.
Okay.

Midnight? All right.
Yeah. Okay.

Oh!

Gonna have sex with Cadence

Gonna have sex with Cadence

Whoo! Uh-huh.

Cadence
Jesus!

You fuckin' stalker.

You're nota very stealthy thief.

Oh, really?
Guess what, shit-brick, it's a wedding.

Everything's free.
What do you want?

Well, Stifler, Jim's grandma
doesn't approve of the wedding.

We're trying to run
interference and,

reluctantly, I am asking for your help.

Hmm. Sorry, Finch-meister.
I got plans with Cadence.

Stifler, maybe you could forget about your
dick for one second and actually be useful.

Fuck you, Finch.

You didn't eat shit, okay?

You didn't prance around here
like a ballerina for the whole week.

"Oh, wedding" this.
"Suck my ass" that.

"I'm special. You're special. " We're all
just a bunch of special fuckers, aren't we?

Well, you know what?
I'm a-gonna get laid, Finch-fucker.

And it's gonna be
oh, so good.

It's gonna be like,
"You like this shit, Mama?"

She's gonna be like,
"Fuckin' right, doggy, give it to me.

Suck on my nipples
like you're milking a cow. "

Like...

You been here long?

Oh, shit.

Yeah.
Cadence,

it is my distinct pleasure
to introduce you...

- to the real Steve Stifler.
- Hi.

Hi.

Pumpkin.

You are quite the gentleman, Stifler.

You could have told me
she was behind me.

Between Grandma and Stifler and Cadence.
The cake. The cake!

I mean, are you kidding me? You know,
I thought I had grown out of this...

sort of behaviour, but I keep messing up.

These things keep happening to me.

And if I can't bring it
together for one day,

how am I gonna hold it together
for the rest of our lives?

I'm really afraid that this is
how it's always gonna be.

Yeah, but you always manage
to get yourself into serious shit,

and somehow you always come out
of it better than you went in.

I don't know how, but you do.
Everything is gonna be fine.

Yeah. Um, uh, you need to
come into the kitchen right now.

There's... Yeah.
Jesus, now what?

There is no way to remake
all these in time, is there?

Something must have
disrupted the power.

The compressors need time to reset
after a power loss, or they overheat.

Essentially, it turns the refrigerator
into an oven.

Stifler was in here earlier
flipping switches.

Michelle, I am so sorry.

Hey!

Ooh. Those flowers
look hideous.

That's 'cause you killed them,
Stifler.

You've ruined everything.

F... What are you
talking about?

You obviously don't care about this
wedding or anyone in it.

Cadence.

Jim?

Shit-brick, come on.

Maybe you should
just leave, Stifler.

Fine. Adios.

Fuckers, it's not my fault!

I'm not an "intellectual Einstein".
I'm not...

- Damn it.!

Fuck!

Hey, flower fuckers, you there?

Zyskowski.

Hello?

Are you awake?

Come on. Come on.
Anybody awake?

Oh.!

- Are you Miss Zyskowski?
- Who are you?

I'm the guy who just killed all the flowers
for the Levenstein-band geek wedding.

- What?
- Yeah, I'm that guy.

Now what I need you to do is drag
your ass down to your little store,

gather up some flowers,
slice 'em and dice 'em,

jam 'em all together and cart that crap
down to the wedding.

Are you completely insane?

- You have no idea.
- Even if I overlook the fact...

that this is the rudest thing
I have ever encountered,

there is no time
to redo all that work.

I had four assistants working two
full days on that wedding.

I'm sorry.

It's impossible.

We don't quit at halftime, ma'am!

You don't score
until you score!

That's the spirit, sweetheart.

Pick up the pace.

You guys keep working this hard,
we'll be able to beat the Wildcats.

You remember how tough
they were last year.

Come on. Let's see
some determination.

Determination.!

Come on. Keep working.!

Good, Connor. Very good.
Good, DeBoer.

Really sucks.
Go fix it.

Hey, party guy. Having a good time,
huh? Can I get you a gin and tonic?

Ring! Hold on a second.
Hello. Okay.

It's for you.
It's "get to work, fucker. "

We are gathered here today
to join these two great people...

in a blessed union and bladdah,
bladdah, bladdah and crap.

Coach, this is kinda gay.

Yeah, it is.

Good work.
Hey, no problem.

So, you got a date
for this thing?

Don't push it.
Sorry.

Holy shit.

How the hell did this happen?

It's a miracle.

Stifler. Save it, dickhead.
I'm working.

- You're an asshole.
- I know.

You really are an asshole.

Thanks.

I don't do apologies so good.

Well, you get an "A" for effort.
This is amazing.

Cool.

I was always kind of
a "C" student.

So, did you do all this
just to have sex with me...

or because you really care
about the wedding?

Both.

And, uh...

I like you.

What?

I like you.

Well, that's an honest answer.

I gotta go.

Steve Stifler just gave
a rose to a girl and meant it.

This is huge. It's... It's like watching
monkeys use tools for the first time.

You still pissed
about me and Cadence?

No. Let's see.

She wasn't into the heavy intellectual
stuff.

She actually liked me
being that imbecile.

No, no, somehow I think
she's probably better off with you.

Thanks, shit-brick.

Ooh. Dick.
Fucking hate not hating you.

I did fuck your mom.

Twice.

Ooh! That's better, fucker!

Oh. Whoa!
Ready to go?

Um, the wedding's
not for another hour.

No, I mean you and me.

Hold on. Hold on.

Do I still gotta do
this bullshit meeting?

Stifler, you are not
bailing on Jim.

Shit!
Give me 10 minutes?

I'll meet you at the closet.
The closet.

You wanted to see me,
Michelle?

Oh! Okay, sit.

So, uh, Jim said that you've always
kind of been there for him...

when he needed you, so I thought
maybe you could help me.

Jim said that?

What's, uh...
What's the problem?

Okay. Well, I, uh...

I still can't get
my vows right.

Oh. I haven't been this confused
since I got my first period.

That's a very confusing time
for any young lady.

You know, your body
is going through, uh, changes.

Um, stuff coming out,
stuff going in.

Oh, no. I need help with my vows,
not my period.

Oh, your vows.
Your vows.

Yes, uh, good.
Um, go on.

Jim just wants a groomsmen's meeting
before the wedding.

It shouldn't take long.
Just don't let her talk to anyone.

Be careful.
She's feisty.

Okay, let's go.

Hey, guys. Thanks for coming out
here and meeting me.

I, um... I just have a couple of things
I wanna say.

This sucks.

Did I say that out loud?

Keep going.
It's good.

Now, I thought about
what you said, Kev.

About, uh, about how my problems
always seem to work out.

And I realized that the reason
things always work out...

is because you guys have always
been there to back me up.

Even you, Stifler.

For the first time in my life...

I actually feel like
I can't mess anything up.

Which is pretty amazing.

So, uh,

I- I guess I just wanted
to say thank you.

Thanks. Yeah.
Thanks?

This whole thing
was about thanks?

Ooh! You're welcome,
cock-block!

That was good, Jim.
Real nice.

Let's get you married.
Hmm?

Okay.

Love is very difficult
to describe.

And I understand the angst.
I mean, it's your wedding.

And it's natural.
It's perfectly natural.

But it's impossible
to describe a feeling.

Okay, first,
nothing is impossible.

So, let's not focus
on that.

Why do you think, Michelle,
they call it "making love"?

I don't know.
I just call it "boneing. "

Boneing.

Well, when you're doing
other things with Jim...

when you're not,
um, boneing...

how does
he make you feel?

Horny, like I wanna bone.

But we can't be boneing
from sunrise to sunset, dear.

Oh, you've never tried it?

I certainly have.
I have. I've boned.

From sunrise right through brunch,
on more than one occasion.

But boneing aside, um, I think they call it
"making love"...

because you have to
make love work.

You know,
it's about compromise and sacrifice.

And I think Jim
has sacrificed for you.

My God, he shaved
his entire pubic region,

which would baffle most
cultures around the world.

But he did it,
and he did it for you.

You're right.
Love isn't just a feeling.

It's shaving your balls.

Thanks, Dad.

I wouldn't get into too much detail
on that.

Excuse me. Pardon me.
Excuse me.

Oh, yeah, excuse me.
Pardon me. Pardon me.

Gonna have sex with Cadence
Uh-huh.

You know, son, I think this is probably
the right time to tell you that...

that...
I know, Dad.

I can't see anything here.

Oh, there you are.

Guys, what are you doing?
Where's Jim's grandma?

The old bitch sucked.
We had to ditch her.

You what?
Don't worry.

We put her someplace
no one will find her.

Cadence, where are you going?
Oh, Mom.

Oh, baby.
I'm so ready for this.

Your body's not quite what I was
expecting, but that's okay.

The Stif-man digs
what's underneath.

Oh, you are so beautiful.
Oh, I just wanna...

Stifler.! Granny.!

Granny? What?
Focus! Focus! Focus!

Out...
It's not what it looks like!

- Shut the fucking door!

You got it, champ.

You're a hero.

Hey, pussy's pussy.

Look at the smile
on my mother's face.

Do you know how long she's been
waiting for a day like this?

I can't imagine.

I couldn't be happier.
Thank you.

Don't.

Good luck.
Thank you, sir.

What made Grandma
come around?

Finch said Stifler
talked to her.

Stifler?

Grandmother fucker.

You're a motherfucker.

Yes, I am.
Oh, you son of a bitch.

And I promise to love you
for as long as I shall live.

Michelle, you are the one woman
I want to be with...

and the woman
I can't be without.

I love you.

I love you.

Jim,

I had trouble finding the words
to tell you how I feel.

And I realized something.

Love isn't just a feeling.

Love is something you do.

It's a dress,
a visit to band camp.

A special haircut.

Jim, you've given me
everything I've ever wanted.

And it is my solemn vow...

to give everything I am to you.

James Emanuel Levenstein...

and Michelle Anabeth Flaherty,

I hereby pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Let's all welcome Mr. And Mrs. Jim and
Michelle Levenstein onto the dance floor.

Just follow my lead.
I'll try.

I taught him that.

Jim, you learned to dance.

Well, seems like everything worked out.
Magnificently.

I feel a bit sad that tonight our little
Michelle is going to be a woman.

Honey, you don't honestly believe
that Michelle is still a...

Well, I'll tell you, Mary. I can't recall a
single moment with either one of them...

that would make me
think otherwise.

Thank you. See?

Whew! Whoa!

Hey, tough guy.

Stifler's mom.

Well, we meet again.

I was curious.
Didn't see you here.

I try to keep a low profile.

I never really did
like these things anyway.

You know, this has actually
made quite an impression on me.

I have something to look for
in a woman now.

Well, if this is your idea
of a proposal...

Finchy, you gotta know
that I'm over you now.

And I'm over you.

But as they say,
we will always have Paris.

And the pool table.
And the car.

And the two-room suite
I have upstairs. Come here.

Turned out better
than I ever imagined.

How did a little perv like you
turn into such a great guy?

How did a little nympho like you
turn into such a great girl?

I'm still a nympho.
Oh, I'm still a perv.

I know.
What's wrong with us?

You know, Michelle,

to quote someone
I've learned quite a bit from,

"I think you and I...

are a perfectly natural,
normal thing. "

Perfectly natural.

That's her.
Holy shit, dude.

I told you this wedding
would be worth it.

Oh, my goddess.
My queen. My MILF. Oh.

MILF. MILF.
MILF. MILF.

MILF. MILF.

No way, bro!

Hey, you're not finished yet,
are you, Finchy?

No, ma'am.
Just getting started.

This guy is the fucking master.

- Oh, no. Oh, no!
- Make it stop. Make it stop.

Make it stop.

Oh, Stifler's mom.