Original subtitles

- Stand by. - All right, background, listen up!

Fish People, find an eyeline to the second moon.

Moss Men, camera right of the temple ruins. Thank you.

I'm sorry, I wasn't really listening,

- so I'm having a bit of difficulty... - Fish head, man legs, second moon.

- Thank you. - All right.

Daniel. Dag, the new third.

Oh, hey! Nice to meet you. Where are we on lighting?

Also, talk to catering. No soup for the Fish People.

Yeah, I don't want... Quiet on set! ...fluids on their scales.

- Adam, mate, how's your morning? - Try this.

Turkey meat, Muscle Milk, it's like Thanksgiving dinner on steroids.

Wow, turkey on steroids. Gobble, gobble. Mum, no, sorry, bye.

Do me a favor. Go and smell Gary.

- Smell him? - Gary, the boom guy.

I need to know if he's... Quiet on set! ...drunk or high, or both.

Dan, we have a Fish Person in a panic spiral.

I'm sorry, I think I'm having a panic attack.

I think it must be the latex.

Boz, how long 'til we wrap the Fish People?

- About an hour and a half. - Twenty minutes.

Can you give me 20 minutes, mate? Yeah, try this.

It's kiwi and passionfruit. All right.

So, I smelled Gary. I think weed.

Okay, great. High is good. He can operate when he's high.

Can you interrupt me in six seconds?

- Peter, good sir. - Oh, Dan, I've got a joke for you.

- Probably not okay, but fuck it. - Great, hit me.

So, a transsexual goes into a swamp--

- Daniel, bit of an emergency. - Hold that punchline.

Emergency, nurse! Good work. Where are we on lighting?

Also, do not let Peter finish that joke.

Holy fucking shit, the studio's on fire!

Okay, it's just some houses. We're back, everyone.

- Please ignore the burning houses. - Daniel, I think Eric's concerned.

He's very white, even for a German.

- I'm concerned. - That's concerning.

Daniel, I'm concerned. My big waterfall scene, 16 set-ups.

- I don't think we'll get it. - Eric, trust me.

- You have my word. We'll get it! - Good.

Yeah, we're not gonna get it. Absolutely no way.

- Today's a fireball and it'll kill us all. - Shane is online. He may have notes.

- Shane is online. - Great. Excellent. Keep me looped.

- God, I love my life. - Fish Man incoming.

- Outstanding. - I just really want this off me!

Easy, easy. That's four hours in the chair.

Look, I don't know if you know the comics.

I do. It's the last thing my dad read to me.

And, sir, I would switch places with you in a heartbeat.

'Cause you're a Fish Man! Yeah?

- Yeah. - Thank you.

- Fish Man traveling. - Oh, my God, was that actually real?

Well, my dad is dead, but he was more into sports.

- Where are we on lighting? - Update from Shane. Shane has no notes.

Shane has no notes.

Great, well, thank you for conveying his lack of input.

Lighting is set, lighting is set!

Okay, we are set for rehearsal, everyone! We are rehearsing!

- Rehearsal! - We set on camera?

- Set! - Okay, let's bring up the wind.

Bring up the wind!

Okay, we're good on atmos.

- Go water. - Go water!

So, just another 83 days, and then we're done.

Let's savor every moment. Fish helmet!

And... action!

And finally, we come to the heart of the matter.

Meeting of the elders. Eye. Tecto. Magic hour, the sun has just set.

All dusky.

Everything's so fucking dark these days, isn't it?

Restaurants. Mad.

And the blue screen, a thunderous waterfall.

- Yes, love it, love it. How thunderous? - Can we show Adam the pre-vis?

- Yeah, looking up for the pre-vis. - Looking up for the pre-vis, folks!

Yeah, yeah. Holy shit.

Wow, that looks great!

Why am I walking like that though?

Obviously, the walking is weird, but the swagger is interesting.

- Swaggering but anxious. - Okay.

Like a panther

on its way to a job interview.

- What? - Well, not that, but that.

Can you take me there

in a walk?

I'm Tecto, bitch. Yeah. Yeah.

- Okay, that's last looks, everyone! - Last looks, folks!

- Thank you! - Thank you!

Heads up, we don't really say "folks," yeah?

We're not line dancing. Not to be a dick.

Thirty-two percent sleep efficiency. No wonder he's fussy.

Eric. I bought him a sleep ring. Just to monitor his well-being.

Would love to get him horizontal.

- Very, very pro-nap. - Why is that there?

Sorry. Pat Shannon's coming.

- Cheese and crackers. - Okay, sure.

Not panicking. I'm-- Just take five, everyone!

- Take five! - I am cold as ice.

Justin, it's me. Pat Shannon's here.

Repeat, repeat, repeat. The Toy Man cometh.

- Do you want me to ask the boy? - Negative.

Do not engage the boy. The boy is not a boy.

Steph, I need you to wrangle Eric back to his trailer.

Oh, I am angling for a wrangling.

Eric! The studio's coming to see you today.

Pat Shannon's personally coming to see you.

So, the day hath come,

when the suits shall flutter down from the trees.

Thoughts towards a new ending. Steph?

Oh, Eric, gladly.

Why is he here?

He's apparently in town to launch some new inflatables

at the European Toy Convention.

- My God, the banality! - The money man. God's Rottweiler.

Some say he can't read. That's sad.

So, while Pat's in town, how do we feel

about a little extra lighting?

So you want me to do my little dance for the Toy Man.

And you clap and spank me and we all laugh.

Never. We'd never laugh or spank.

Look, I don't think this,

but we already know the studio thinks the movie's too dark, so...

They know what I am.

I'm a weird, difficult guy.

I look like this hipster chinos man

who goes to Muji to buy a towel, but I'm not.

I'm strange and I'm serious.

I don't know how to think like the kind of guy who washes his car,

eats a chicken drumstick with his wife, and then has a bath.

If that's what they want, hire Ron Howard.

Church. And Eric, if the studio tries to muck about with your vision in any way,

I will cut my heart out with a sushi knife.

- Won't we, guys? - Absolutely, 100%.

Sorry, this is literally my first day, so...

Call Justin. I want my producer here to fight my corner.

Justin's cutting short the Morocco scout. He's coming straight back.

Look, Eric.

A little bit of extra lighting

will buy you the relationship capital, yeah?

So then you can make the movie you want to make,

but behind the movie they think you're making.

All that stuff about the planet, about fracking--

I do want to say something about fracking.

But there can be no more light. There's no light source.

Unless, there's a second sun.

Not sunset...

but sunrise.

Oh, bravo! He's done it again.

That's why you won the Golden Leopard at Locarno.

You know, this is really good stuff, Eric.

Suck his dick, Greta Gerwig.

Okay, we need to clean house for the big visit, so smell Gary again.

If he still smells of weed, speak to wardrobe, have him sprayed.

And make sure nobody shows Pat around P stage.

What's on P stage?

About 60 live Yoshino cherry trees we had imported from Kyoto

and then cut from the script.

The waste!

You could build a children's hospital.

- It's absolutely hilarious. - Yeah. But what price dreams?

Instead of sunset, sunrise.

But here's the genius part.

Two suns.

Wow, double sunri-- Okay. Thank you. Maestro.

Done it again.

Breast-fed Ted. Breast-fed Ted. Please board the emergency vessel.

Please board the emergency vessel.

All right, fuck off.

Okay, let's go, now.

All right, picture's up. Let's roll sound

- and bring up that wind! - Rolling!

The genocidal jockey tip-toed gently past the baby's coffin.

Okay, and...

action.

The great Eye, reduced to begging before the Council of the Moss Men!

- For a man with second sight-- - Sorry, why are you shouting?

Why is he shouting?

I'm not shouting. I'm raising my voice because we're next to a waterfall,

- so I would be project-- - Okay, cut.

- All right, cut there. - Cut there.

Why would we be having a judicial meeting

- next to a waterfall if we had to shout? - That's just how loud waterfalls are.

- Eric, how loud are waterfalls? - They're deafening.

Dan, can we play in the sound of the thunderous waterfall from Fiji?

- No. - Why not?

‘Cause Milo said no. Milo!

No one told me. If you need a guide, you'll have to shout.

Waterfall! They're like that loud.

Waterfall! Waterfall!

- Waterfall! Waterfall! - Waterfall!

- Waterfall! Waterfall! - The Great Eye...

- Waterfall! Waterfall! - And that's the sound

of the water pounding on the rocks.

- Waterfall! - Waterfall.

It's a fucking council meeting to consider an extradition proceeding.

- If it was loud, we'd be in an office. - But they don't have offices,

because they're 80% moss.

And yet they have paperweights for their paperwork.

I mean, we're not savages.

I'm sorry. Am I getting input from the stuff

that grows on fucking rocks now? Can this one go away, please?

I'm sorry, Peter. I really am. I really am.

But I just really committed to the idea

- of raising my voice and I'm-- - Peter, how would you feel

about meeting Adam halfway, volume-wise?

Well, I can't actually, because I've got polyps

on my vocal nodes, brought on by TMT.

Too Much Theater. Sorry.

More like TMV. Too Much Vino. So, I think the man is coming.

The studio man?

Wowzers.

He's a burly man, isn't he? Big, hurly-burly man.

Eric, I think tactical lighting break while we welcome the studio.

Horst!

Is there any swearing you'd like to do beforehand, or...

Shitwit. Cocktangle money fascist.

Fuck-clump cosmic anus human hambone prick.

- Such an imagination. - Granny fucker.

I'm not sure if you remember. I was third AD on Thunderon--

Eric Bouchard, The Unlikening. What a movie.

- Truly, not worthy. - Oh, my God! Wow! Thank you.

Hey, can I get a selfie, please? My kids will kill me if I don't.

- Of course! - Yeah? Thanks.

There it is. Thanks.

No, thank you, man, for letting me play in your sandbox.

Steph, his right-leg woman.

I wish I could just crack open your head and drink the juice.

- Hand-man, woman. - You know what? Let's go to crafty.

I have the need for feed. Come on.

What? Do you mind dealing with all...

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Here it comes. Charge of the Light Brigade.

The second sun!

Beautiful! Horst!

Give me a tan!

Now that is a luxurious cheese plate, huh?

Right-hand woman.

I do know the difference between hands and legs.

So, Maestro.

Just to let you know, professional courtesy,

there has been a genocide.

- Genocide? - Yeah.

We needed a sweetener for Centurios 2.

We had a run of dry plot pellets and we needed a little chutney

to get over that third act hump,

so we massacred the Fish People.

Chutney?

Visceral chutney. Man, woman, child. Brutal, devastating, badass.

- The Fish People are in my movie. - Sure.

Or are they?

Right. No, but they are.

Well, all I'm saying is they've been slaughtered in the movie

sequentially prior to the one you're making, so...

- Shane knows? - Shane knows everything.

Shane's super happy with how it turned out.

Spectacular. I'm telling you,

it'll blow your eyeballs out of your asshole.

Shane said the first cut of the genocide sequence

- made him giddy like a schoolgirl. - Shane loves what you're doing up here.

I do. We do. He does.

In Shane we trust. Guy's never wrong.

- We're blushing. - Sorry. I'm just trying to recalibrate

- my sense of the universe. - Oh, sure. You take your time, sir.

I get it, everything's connected. It's all just one big thing.

The Fish People are carrying a lot of thematic luggage.

All right. Look.

- Napkin? - Thanks.

Centurios 2 is our tentpole, all right?

Without our tentpole, we don't have a tent.

And without a tent, we get eaten in our sleep

by 9-year-old TikTok kids with superhero fatigue.

Which is not a real illness, and a scam.

Excuse me one second.

Yeah, you got 25 seconds. Start talking or I'm hanging up.

What the fuck just happened?

"Tentpole"? Then what the fuck are we?

We're a tentpole. We are. Tents have many poles.

Where's Justin? Where's my producer?

I cannot think studio logic. I'm not a left-brain guy.

Hey, you have two right brains. Maybe more.

Justin is wheels-up in Tangier, no later than 1300.

- Now, how do we feel about a nap? - I don't want a nap, Stephanie!

I want my fucking Fish People!

And I want a parking space and a craft nook.

We're all making compromises.

- Okay, call lunch. - That's lunch, folks!

- Guys! - Escort Pat to the taco truck.

Do not let him out of your sight. No P stage. We all breathe.

God, this is so rewarding.

Anyone wanna hang out for a sandwich and a chat or...

No? Okay.

So many Maximum movies, and thank God!

Toxic Man. Pretty sure I dated him.

Yeah.

Crimson Splash. Could be a UTI. Watch the film, see your doctor.

But just to make you aware,

very open to something on the corporate side.

Current role, bad pay, lots of standing up.

It's kind of like being a cow or a camel,

if they were badly paid, which I suppose, in a way, they are.

Excuse me a second. Could you shut the fuck up?

Are you kidding? My God, so happy to shut up.

Appreciate it. All right, yeah, I'm back.

Centurios 2: Chrontinuum Begins. Cannot wait.

Your chariot, sire!

- What? What is it? Are we back on? - Pat's at the truck.

I just need to sit and eat. I was up at 03:00 for the commute.

03:00? That's a lie-in.

That's a cool pillow.

Sleep tech. Not meant to be cool.

What a day. No wonder you all look so tired.

Today? This is nothing.

You should've been here the day the rigging collapsed.

That was fun.

Not for everyone, sadly. But, nah.

Everything's exactly as it's meant to be.

Hey, Siri, read new messages.

Lucas heard me crying again.

We need to talk to him about the divorce.

I don't care if you're busy with your shitty movie

for masturbating fucknerds.

Crying face emoji, crying face emoji, crying face emoji.

Everything's exactly as it's meant to be.

Do you know where the production office is?

- Anita. - Sorry, do I know you?

It's Daniel.

What are you...

I'm firsting on Tecto.

Okay.

- Well, I see you're sleeping, so... - So, I...

heard that you're producing now?

Oh, yeah, on the TV side of Maximum. The League of Exceptional Jessicas.

Vulture, I think it was, called it

"one of last month's top seven promos dominating the cultural conversation."

So, yeah.

Right. No idea. I've barely even heard of that.

- Dag, do you-- You said you needed to-- - Oh, no, I'm good. Thanks, Dan.

Love your cape.

Thank you. Not all heroes wear them.

But just so I've got it clear in my head, how long are you in town?

Sorry, I have to take this.

Yes, I have an update for you.

God. You okay?

Brutal.

- What was? - The way she just cut you dead.

'Cause what's the history there? Did you two...

This is not an appropriate third AD interaction, yeah?

So, I need you to just swap the battery out on that

and charge my vape. Thanks.

Peter can't see.

Peter can't see.

Peter can't see!

Peter can't see. Peter can't see.

- Hot muffins at crafty. - Get off channel two.

Sorry, didn't catch that. Hot muffins at crafty. Over.

Sorry, if we've been massacred,

- do we still get our per diem? - Just talk to production.

That's a wrap on the Fish People, everyone!

- Beautiful work! Is he in there? - Come on, Daniel.

He doesn't interrupt your naps.

Eric!

- Eric, Peter can't see. - What do you mean he can't see?

From his eyes. He can't see from his eyes.

He has to be able to see. He's Eye.

He can't. He can't see, because we left him

in front of the new sunrise rig you asked for

and we've sunburnt his eyes.

Sunburnt?

With the lights, yeah. We've burnt a man's eyes.

But he has second sight.

Yeah, but that's not a real eye on his helmet, is it, Steph?

His real eyes are the ones inside his face.

- Those are the ones we've burnt. - Right. No, that is bad.

Peter wants a fucking word. I didn't have time to edit that.

- And is this a director thing? - Very much yes. Very, very yes.

Peter, sir.

- How are we feeling? - It fucking hurts.

And I'm terribly and profoundly blind, but apart from that...

Your sarcasm is noted and appreciated.

Also, this man is my lawyer. He'll be representing me for damages.

I'm encouraging him not to comment at this time,

because English is not his first language.

Tell me, Peter,

are you familiar with Herzog's The Burden of Dreams?

Eric, do not dress this up

as some noble sacrifice at the altar of cinema.

- Look at me! - Oh, Christ.

You flashbanged my eyeballs, you spineless fuckhead!

- Can you hear me? - I'm nodding.

I'm disagreeing, but I'm respecting your point of view

and I'm conveying that by nodding.

Guys? Guys, I think there's something wrong with my eyes.

Oh, here he is. Yale Boy.

Never seen a bandwagon he didn't want to jump on.

I-- I can't see properly. If I look straight ahead, it's all weird.

- Holy shit. - What? What's he saying? What did he say?

His eyes are considerably worse than yours.

- Okay-- - What? No. Is it bad?

- Is it permanent? - No, it's temporary, okay?

It's sunburn, but for your eyes.

What? I have eye-burn?

What are you talking about? They look fine.

No, they don't look fine! Yours look fine!

Are you serious? You must be blind

- if you can't see these. - I am.

My eyes look like the tip of Ronald McDonald's dick!

Oh, now he's raising his voice! I thought he had polyps.

Oh, what would you know about fucking polyps?

Oh, actually, I've been running the numbers,

and we've done about the same amount of theater, so...

Now I've heard it all. You getting this, Victor?

You just perjured yourself, arsehole!

Pat's on set. He's in his chair. He's asking why we're not shooting.

Peter, you know what? I truly respect you. I do.

Especially your work in the '80s.

Can't be that easy playing that many races in one film.

But fuck you.

You really want to play whose theater cock is bigger?

- 'Cause I'm packing an absolute rager! - Guys, guys, guys!

The studio wanted more lighting

because the culture demands a saturated aesthetic.

So, in a way,

- the culture blinded you. - Fuck off, Eric.

- Get fucked, Eric. - Sure.

Maybe just keep shooting, but with bells around their necks,

- so they know where to look. - The Toy Man is gonna find out.

He's like a shark, but for mistakes.

Someone needs to tell him.

- Hey, guys. Everything okay? - Yeah, definitely.

- Everything's completely amazing. - Cool. Well, Shane's doing his hot yoga,

so I've got a couple of moments to eat my-- Namaste, sir.

I'll action that.

That's not actionable right now, but consider it pre-actioned.

Okay, Pat doesn't know who any of us are, okay?

Not really, but once we tell him,

we will always be the people who burned the eyeballs

of a man called "Eye."

Justin's here at 04:00, so that's 40 minutes.

We stall Pat, and then we hide behind Justin.

We let him absorb the punishment. It's his fucking job.

- I wouldn't be uninterested in this. - So, let's just shoot.

- Reshoot the master. - Yeah.

Just eyes on the prize,

with apologies to all those currently without eyes.

Bring in Adam and Peter's stand-ins. I'm ten-one.

- Update. - Ambulance is here.

Peter and Adam are refusing to travel together.

Calling in a second ambulance. Over.

Nice merch.

Hello.

Thunderon, sound of rumble. Where it all began.

Yeah, I had the hoodie as well, which is pretty collectible now,

- but my mum threw it away. - Yeah.

Your mom's a very stupid lady.

- Yeah, she's actually not very well. - And?

Why aren't we shooting, son?

Lighting.

- You know how it goes. - Yeah.

My God, of course you know. You're the Pat Shannon.

I know what you really think of me.

Come on. I'm the thumb-head guy

who botched his high five with Shane at Comic-Con 2017. Yeah.

Well, let me tell you who I am.

'Cause there's above the line, you know, the actors, the talent.

"Ooh, I'm the talent, I'm so talented!" "Look at me! Ooh!"

Then there's below the line, the grunts.

"Ooh, I'm a grip. I made a camera dolly." Yeah, whoop-di-shit.

But you know who I am, son?

I am the fucking line.

I'm the one constant force in this entire universe,

and I'm totally invisible.

I'm also a grown-up. I'm here to help you.

I know about P stage.

The overspend.

I also know you're 12 days over.

What else do I need to know?

Shannon the Cannon.

- What's up, my man? - Oh, Justin.

Mr. Producer.

Are you throwing my money around like it's five years ago?

- Shall we? - Yeah, come on, let's take a walk.

Relax. I'll tell him to get fucked.

Justin's here.

Hooray!

He's telling Pat to get fucked. I think we should be fine.

- Here he is. - Daddy's home. The rage sponge!

- The human ozone. - Hey, guys.

So, I just told Pat to get fucked,

and I got fired.

Sorry.

What does this mean?

It means I don't have a job.

No, sure, but... for me?

Turning tides, I guess.

- They've brought in a new producer. - Holy moly.

My God. HR. Already.

Hi, Shelly.

But you can't fire the ozone layer.

Daniel.

They're taking my producer.

- Dialing Shane. He's keen to join in. - My God.

Pat is just a stone-cold fuck.

We're all here. I am entering the tent.

The sound you're about to hear is a zipper.

Fuck.

Okay, Moss Men, camera right of the plinth!

Mo-Cap Men, kindly replacing our Fish People, RIP.

Eyeline to the second sun!

- Mo-Cap Man incoming. - Great, excellent.

I'm sorry, this just isn't very breathable.

Peaches and cream. Break a leg. We must shoot, we will shoot!

Big stunt tomorrow. Got the actors up on wires.

- High stakes. Literal high stakes. - Yep.

Also, tell studio facilities to get those pigeons off C stage.

- The cooing's gonna kill us. - Got it. Banish the pigeons.

Now you get to go home for approximately 430 mins.

Can I just ask?

Why?

Full disclosure, just not great vibes.

So, this guy Curly works in the circus for 30 years,

following the elephants around with a big bucket,

scooping up all the elephant shit

and at the end of every night, he has to burn it all.

So he goes home reeking of burnt elephant shit.

And one day his brother comes to him and says,

"Curly, great news, I've got you a job at my office."

"Decent salary, you can work regular hours."

And Curly goes, "What? And quit show business?"

Absolute classic.

See you tomorrow.

Peter, can you describe the plot of the movie in ten words?

I'm just gonna talk and you can use whatever you want.

Now, you asked me about coming up in theater.

Different world now.

Actors, the craft, this whole thing now, "You can't play this if you're not that."

I can see my PR team, you know, turning white, but fuck it.

Can you describe the plot of Tecto?

It's a story about this guy, me, Tecto. I am...

the earthquake guy.

That... He goes through the--

on a voyage through space with-- to find this guy, Peter,

who plays Eye, as-- Eye as in eye, not I.

He doesn't play me. 'Cause I'm me. I'm Tecto.

Have you ever seen Sweet and Sour? Buddy movie.

Eddie Murphy. I play the Chinaman.

My agent calls me, "Peter, Eddie would like to meet you."

I get to Eddie's place.

Do you know what he has in the foyer of his house?

A 24-hour international buffet. I shit you not.

I'm talking a cruise ship quality buffet. All the food you could want.

Wonton soup, Thai green curry, and obviously,

he's got the heat lamps to keep it all warm.

What's your role?

I'm first AD. First assistant director.

It's my job to keep the actors from killing each other or themselves.

And also, I work with the director, sort of assisting his vision.

Well, I'm everything. I'm Everything Man.

The world's most thankless superhero.

It was one of the great meals of my life.

Chili crab cakes, chicken korma, chocolate fountain.

Obviously, I went back in for seconds, because you could.

It was buffet style. No one was counting. Shame about the movie.

People say I was very good in it, but... who knows?