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This programme contains very
strong language and adult humour
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You're a waste in Sports Depot.
You mean I'm wasting my life
at Sports Depot?
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00:00:06,840 --> 00:00:08,679
You are in the top five most
beautiful men in Peterborough.
4
00:00:08,680 --> 00:00:10,359
She's shit on my shoe.
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00:00:10,360 --> 00:00:13,359
You know we do the big mugs?
I'm thinking big bowls.
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00:00:13,360 --> 00:00:17,119
Hella cereal. Or salad. Thing is, I
need a way to make money right now.
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Congrats, Russell. For what?
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A new leader has arisen!
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Team leader.
So who's in charge now, then?
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I'm in charge!
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You fucking like that, don't you,
you cocky little simpleton?
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Maybe this'd be better
in a bedroom.
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- We're going to have sex!
- HE YELLS
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Can't wait.
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VOICEOVER: New Balance Casablancas,
the quietest trainer known to man.
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00:00:39,160 --> 00:00:41,400
Perfect for surprises.
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SHE SNORES
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- Happy anniversary!
- SHE YELLS
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Ow! What the fuck?
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Ow... Help.
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Who let you in?
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Flatmate Sophie.
Sophie! How many fucking times
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00:00:58,800 --> 00:01:02,759
have I told you not to let him in
under any circumstances?
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VOICEOVER: Anniversaries
are a great opportunity
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00:01:04,960 --> 00:01:08,359
to reflect on a relationship.
On our two-month anniversary,
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I took her for a romantic dinner at
Cafe Continental. You know it's good
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00:01:12,480 --> 00:01:15,159
when continental's in the title.
Am I right?
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Clare Bear, I just want to say
that the past two months with
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you have been filled with...
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..nothing but love. No. Stop
whatever this is about to be, OK?
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Cos you just asked if I wanted
food, and I said yes.
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It's a very simple set-up.
I've got a surprise.
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♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
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What is he doing?
♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪
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I specifically said anniversary.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Clare... ♪
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What is he doing?
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No, I don't like it. Make him stop.
It's all right. Don't worry, mate.
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Um, yeah,
you can just bag it up, thanks.
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Cheers. I'll still pay for it.
Are you going to cry?
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00:01:49,600 --> 00:01:52,199
No, I'm...
You're an embarrassment.
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00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:54,599
We've officially been together
for one whole year.
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00:01:54,600 --> 00:01:57,519
We met three years ago.
Yeah, but I did some calculations.
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00:01:57,520 --> 00:01:59,879
You were still with your ex
for the first six months,
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so I've been counting that
as half-days.
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00:02:02,440 --> 00:02:06,279
And then all the times that you
dumped me, that adds up to 364 days.
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That's a whole year!
Oh, my God.
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For you, my liege.
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00:02:10,680 --> 00:02:13,839
All right, I haven't got you
anything. Oh, didn't you?
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00:02:13,840 --> 00:02:18,199
Uh-oh. It's from me to me.
I got 'em from you... basically.
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00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:19,999
Thanks, babe.
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Oh, fuck's sake!
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Take the price tag off
next time, Russell. Yeah.
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00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:28,559
Nice, though. Are you going to
make it up to me?
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Yeah. Take me out tonight? I just
really want to go to Puccinelli's.
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00:02:31,800 --> 00:02:35,759
Yeah. No, I've heard that, actually,
it's quite expensive in there.
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00:02:35,760 --> 00:02:38,199
They have a bottle of wine
that costs 30 quid.
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00:02:38,200 --> 00:02:41,279
Yeah, but you're a manager now,
aren't you? So you can afford it.
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And maybe instead of these flowers,
you can... pay for my tattoo, yeah?
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Um...
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I mean...
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Y... I've already bought these.
But, yeah, I can...
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..definitely...
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00:02:54,840 --> 00:02:56,960
What are you...?
What are you getting?
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00:02:58,640 --> 00:03:00,959
It's a surprise, isn't it?
Can we get matching ones?
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No.
OK, well...
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Can't wait to see it!
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VOICEOVER: Anniversaries,
one of the pillars
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00:03:07,360 --> 00:03:09,879
of a stable, loving
relationship. Mm.
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Show me your trainers again.
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Oh, my God. I know. Wow. Yeah.
They're exactly the same trainers
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00:03:15,080 --> 00:03:18,679
that my ex has. Oh,
but they only just came out.
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You making a cup of tea?
They've only been out two months...
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My dealer only accepts this, like,
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spaceship-type money thing now
called Ethereum.
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00:03:45,320 --> 00:03:48,079
Yeah, man, that's crypto. I dipped
my toe in that shit. Really?
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00:03:48,080 --> 00:03:51,119
Made some dough. Why do you stay
working at this soul-sucking toilet,
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00:03:51,120 --> 00:03:54,159
then? I like to keep my feet
on the ground, you know?
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00:03:54,160 --> 00:03:56,839
It's a dangerous game in the wrong
hands. You can get wrecked.
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00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:59,159
You've got to understand the tech,
like me. Totally.
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00:03:59,160 --> 00:04:02,199
It's just mine actually doubled.
Last night it didn't, though.
81
00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:04,359
Last night it did the opposite.
It did the bad one,
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00:04:04,360 --> 00:04:05,960
the opposite of doubling.
83
00:04:06,920 --> 00:04:08,839
What happened to you?
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00:04:08,840 --> 00:04:12,039
Oh, it's our anniversary.
Ohhh, don't. Yuck!
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00:04:12,040 --> 00:04:15,399
But, er, y'know, a gentleman
never tells tales. Yeah, don't.
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00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:19,399
Taking Clare for an anniversary meal
at Puccellini's later.
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00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,559
But I heard they got
a bottle of wine in there
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that's like 30 quid, though. I know.
But I'm getting my first managerial
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00:04:24,480 --> 00:04:26,519
pay cheque tomorrow,
so that should cover it.
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00:04:26,520 --> 00:04:28,680
Wait, is that Clare
over there with Blaze?
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00:04:29,640 --> 00:04:32,439
Yep. That's me girlfriend!
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00:04:32,440 --> 00:04:35,479
Oh. It's cool that you're in
an open relationship.
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00:04:35,480 --> 00:04:38,119
I'm not in an open relationship!
She's getting a tattoo from him.
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00:04:38,120 --> 00:04:40,679
What's she getting?
Oh, she won't tell me.
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00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:43,239
But you're paying for it,
though? Yes.
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00:04:43,240 --> 00:04:46,279
That's what boyfriends do. Has
a boyfriend ever got you a tattoo?
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I don't think so. If they did, it
wasn't a permanent one,
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00:04:49,120 --> 00:04:51,600
cos, like, where is it? You know?
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00:04:52,960 --> 00:04:56,679
So, what base did you get to
after you gave her the flowers?
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00:04:56,680 --> 00:05:00,239
Mate, you do not want to know.
Come on. I want to know.
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00:05:00,240 --> 00:05:02,679
Yeah, I just don't really
know the bases.
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Er, but she let me watch her get
dressed.
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Woo! Yeah.
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That's, like, second.
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It might even be third.
Nice! Mm. Wow.
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- PHONE BUZZES
- Oh!
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00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:17,479
Yeah.
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ON PHONE: I swear to God, if you
haven't booked Puccinelli's...
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This dinner's going to clean me
right out. Yeah, but think about it.
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00:05:23,880 --> 00:05:26,279
When they ask you,
"Do you want to see the specials?",
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later on, you might even
get to see HER specials!
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Maybe dish of the day
might be shaved truffle!
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Do you think a misogynistic innuendo
is an appropriate topic for a
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00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:38,519
manager and one of his underlings
to be discussing at the tills?
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No. No... no, I don't.
Everyone knows I hate misogyny.
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If George Allen found out that a
conversation about a pulsating cock
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thrusting towards a winking arsehole
was had within earshot of customers,
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well, you'd be out of here
119
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:57,400
quicker than hot jizz
spraying inside that anus.
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00:05:58,480 --> 00:06:01,959
Oh... I'm pretty sure
we didn't say any of that.
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It's what I heard, Russell.
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Right, well, you just killed the
vibe. We were having a great time.
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00:06:07,320 --> 00:06:09,679
So would you mind just...
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00:06:09,680 --> 00:06:13,320
..leaving and go and help Amber?
Bye, Mulenga.
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What's a shaved truffle?
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00:06:22,200 --> 00:06:25,839
So, I bought this Ethereum, yeah?
And that's worth £200.
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It's disgusting. Mm-hm. I'm getting
rich literally just by existing.
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00:06:29,960 --> 00:06:32,319
I'm like a fat
capitalist pig, y'know,
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00:06:32,320 --> 00:06:34,359
just exploiting everyone around her.
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00:06:34,360 --> 00:06:37,479
Er, you've hung that one
upside down.
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00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:40,879
I don't really understand what
this cryptocurrency thing is about.
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It's basically supposed to disrupt
the current system, bring down
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the globalist elites and distribute
wealth back to the masses.
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Just like I've dreamt
since I was a baby.
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00:06:50,200 --> 00:06:52,599
And does it?
Fuck knows!
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00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,879
You need to hang them in size order!
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00:06:54,880 --> 00:06:59,000
Small at the front, and then getting
bigger as you go towards the back.
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00:07:00,280 --> 00:07:03,319
What are you doing?
Just seeing which one's smaller.
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00:07:03,320 --> 00:07:06,839
Just look at these. Yeah, I know,
ladies', cos ladies' are smaller.
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00:07:06,840 --> 00:07:10,959
But this one's bigger.
Large. L means large.
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00:07:10,960 --> 00:07:14,919
Oh! So M's not for men's,
then? Medium.
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What did you think S meant?
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00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:18,360
Sport.
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00:07:22,480 --> 00:07:24,759
Here we are, madam.
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00:07:24,760 --> 00:07:27,599
I can tie them in many ways.
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Crisscross, tramline,
loop de loop, upside down,
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00:07:32,200 --> 00:07:34,119
oops upside your head,
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00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:37,239
or normal. What would you prefer?
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00:07:37,240 --> 00:07:39,120
I think normal, thank you.
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00:07:42,440 --> 00:07:44,759
OK.
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00:07:44,760 --> 00:07:47,639
Hi. I'm picking up some trainers.
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00:07:47,640 --> 00:07:49,639
Excuse me? I'm talking to you.
153
00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:54,079
Yeah, have you got your order
number? My name's Vicky Lee, L-E-E.
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00:07:54,080 --> 00:07:56,640
Yeah, but it'd be quicker if
you just give me your order number.
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00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:02,079
Amber? You know if you convert your
Ethereum to BMB via Pancake Swap,
156
00:08:02,080 --> 00:08:04,919
yeah, you can buy this new coin
called Hoddle.,
157
00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:09,559
What? Found it. OK, 78584,
then the letter X, letter R.
158
00:08:09,560 --> 00:08:12,679
Yeah, do you know what? I think
I'm just going to stick to Ethereum.
159
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:16,039
I'm really not out here trying to be
the Wolf from Wall Street, y'know?
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00:08:16,040 --> 00:08:19,239
Trust me, you need to buy Hoddle.
Yeah? I'm an expert in this team.
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00:08:19,240 --> 00:08:22,719
You'll make shitloads. Sorry,
can we hurry up? Can you...?
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00:08:22,720 --> 00:08:25,919
Yeah, yeah, I've found it.
Have you got some ID?
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00:08:25,920 --> 00:08:28,479
No, I haven't got any ID.
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00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,879
Oh, my money's just doubled.
I hate this.
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00:08:31,880 --> 00:08:33,800
You're fucking kidding me.
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00:08:34,760 --> 00:08:36,839
Right, I haven't got any photo ID,
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00:08:36,840 --> 00:08:38,839
but I'm in a rush,
so I'm just going to take these.
168
00:08:38,840 --> 00:08:41,199
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen,
you can't take it without ID.
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00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:44,359
What do you think this is? I paid
for them, so I'm going to take them.
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00:08:44,360 --> 00:08:46,039
Why are you being such a Karen?
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00:08:46,040 --> 00:08:48,719
You can't call me a Karen! That's
a hate crime! That's a hate speech!
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00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:52,319
What are you doing? Give me the box!
Let go of the thing, bro!
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00:08:52,320 --> 00:08:56,279
Ciao. Do you, um,
do any cheap tables?
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00:08:56,280 --> 00:08:57,679
Do you do meal deals?
175
00:08:57,680 --> 00:09:00,399
Do you do, like, a kids' menu...
176
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:03,200
..that you could make
look like a grown-up's?
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00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:05,439
Are you the boss?
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00:09:05,440 --> 00:09:06,960
Yeah. Come.
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00:09:11,680 --> 00:09:13,399
What did you say to her?
180
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:15,559
Literally, all I said was,
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00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,599
"How can I help you, madam?"
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00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:20,759
Come on, man, what did you say
that got her so pissed?
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00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,280
I called her a Karen.
184
00:09:23,360 --> 00:09:26,639
You can't call someone a Karen.
Even if it's their name?
185
00:09:26,640 --> 00:09:29,480
Fair point. That is
a grey area. But...
186
00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:34,679
I'm handling it. She's made
a formal complaint. Are you sure?
187
00:09:34,680 --> 00:09:38,399
I helped her fill in the form.
Thank you SO much.
188
00:09:38,400 --> 00:09:41,039
Right, we need to move quickly
before George Allen finds out.
189
00:09:41,040 --> 00:09:44,999
Mr Allen knows of Mulenga's horrific
display of anti-customer brutality.
190
00:09:45,000 --> 00:09:47,479
I've informed him. You know
that's my job, not yours?
191
00:09:47,480 --> 00:09:49,999
Thank you, sis. Nothing personal.
I'm just upholding
192
00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:52,719
Sports Depot's standards,
something old Russell here
193
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:56,159
is physically incapable of doing.
I'm getting fired.
194
00:09:56,160 --> 00:09:57,759
No, you... you...
195
00:09:57,760 --> 00:10:02,399
You have to fire him. It's page 23
of the employees' code of conduct.
196
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:07,479
Yes, I'm... aware that it's page 23
of the employees' code of conduct.
197
00:10:07,480 --> 00:10:09,439
Thank you.
198
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,359
I don't want to see you go,
but it does mean that as we're
199
00:10:12,360 --> 00:10:15,399
no longer colleagues, we can fuck,
200
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:19,120
and I will show you
exactly what a shaved truffle is.
201
00:10:20,400 --> 00:10:22,440
SHE SHIVERS
202
00:10:27,040 --> 00:10:28,920
What page did she say it was?
203
00:10:30,480 --> 00:10:31,920
I'm fucked.
204
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:37,560
I'd have to fire everyone
if I stuck to this.
205
00:10:39,840 --> 00:10:41,920
HE EXHALES
206
00:10:44,480 --> 00:10:47,799
Freaking out?
You made me jump!
207
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:50,679
Not high enough, though.
You're still here,
208
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:54,319
not lying on the pavement
down there, brain splattered,
209
00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:56,719
tiny little dick smashed.
210
00:10:56,720 --> 00:10:58,399
I'm not freaking out!
211
00:10:58,400 --> 00:11:01,639
I know he's your mate,
but you need to grow a pair.
212
00:11:01,640 --> 00:11:03,879
Or even... one.
213
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,039
I've got balls, Jemma.
Really?
214
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:09,199
I'm just doing this properly,
gathering evidence,
215
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:12,199
making sure it's not rushed.
Thank you.
216
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:14,279
PHONE BUZZES
217
00:11:14,280 --> 00:11:15,560
Ah!
218
00:11:16,520 --> 00:11:18,239
Hi, George.
219
00:11:18,240 --> 00:11:21,399
Hello, Mr Allen! Hello, 999? What?
220
00:11:21,400 --> 00:11:23,399
I'd like to report a fire. Fire?
221
00:11:23,400 --> 00:11:26,399
Yeah, am I too late for the firing?
Oh, no, I haven't done it yet.
222
00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:28,839
Get in! That's what I like to hear.
I saw Mulenga on TikTok.
223
00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,999
MUSIC PLAYS
224
00:11:32,000 --> 00:11:35,399
He is out of here. I will see you
in a bit. What, are you coming down?
225
00:11:35,400 --> 00:11:39,559
Yeah! Course. Never miss a firing.
Last week, there was a doozy
226
00:11:39,560 --> 00:11:41,159
in the Thetford branch, two for one,
227
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:42,999
both in tears begging for
their jobs.
228
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:45,799
WHISPERING: Is he coming here?
Is he coming? Jemma, fuck off!
229
00:11:45,800 --> 00:11:48,280
So you wait till I get there.
230
00:11:50,040 --> 00:11:53,319
Mulenga's on TikTok? Yeah.
One of the customers posted it.
231
00:11:53,320 --> 00:11:56,199
It's had 3,000 views.
I sent it to Mr Allen.
232
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:59,719
He's coming to watch me fire him,
you psycho. I'll do it.
233
00:11:59,720 --> 00:12:02,199
You're no manager.
I can take this burden from you,
234
00:12:02,200 --> 00:12:05,639
let you coast along, like you always
have. No. I'm firing Mulenga.
235
00:12:05,640 --> 00:12:08,199
You're going to go downstairs
and you're going to do some work.
236
00:12:08,200 --> 00:12:11,399
This has nothing to do with you.
Come on. Chase me.
237
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,640
I'm sick of you. Seriously.
238
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,759
VOICEOVER: Shit. I'm going to
have to lawyer up for this.
239
00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:22,120
They cost loads, as well.
I wonder if I can get one pro bono.
240
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,559
I can't find your TikTok.
'Low it, man.
241
00:12:29,560 --> 00:12:31,839
Maybe if I search
for "angry British lady"...?
242
00:12:31,840 --> 00:12:34,119
Too soon, man, it's too soon.
243
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:36,879
How am I supposed to destroy
the basis of the neoliberal
244
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,479
financial fascism
if I just keep making money?
245
00:12:39,480 --> 00:12:42,279
Don't tell me it's doubled again.
Oh, er...
246
00:12:42,280 --> 00:12:44,399
Shit. I don't really know
what to say, then.
247
00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:47,039
You've become
what you set out to destroy.
248
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,439
Like Darth Vader,
Bilbo Baggins. What?
249
00:12:49,440 --> 00:12:51,839
You're not in a mood with me,
though, are you?
250
00:12:51,840 --> 00:12:56,319
No, it's not you. It's just
I've become TikTok famous...
251
00:12:56,320 --> 00:12:58,999
..and I'm about to get fired.
It's like my best and worst day
252
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:02,039
at the same time. Yeah. For me,
that'd be like a Tuesday.
253
00:13:02,040 --> 00:13:03,439
Plus, I'm skint!
254
00:13:03,440 --> 00:13:06,999
Everything I earn goes towards
paying me and my nan's rent.
255
00:13:07,000 --> 00:13:09,719
I can't tell her I've been fired,
because we'll have to downsize.
256
00:13:09,720 --> 00:13:13,239
Downsize? Well, how big's your place
now, then? It's a one-bed.
257
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:15,879
If you downsize from that,
it'll be, like...
258
00:13:15,880 --> 00:13:18,520
..like a no-bed, innit?
259
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,239
So I'm supposed to fire him, but...
260
00:13:23,240 --> 00:13:27,200
..I just... I don't know what to do.
What would you do?
261
00:13:29,640 --> 00:13:32,279
Sorry, Son. You lost me at the bit
where your mate twatted the bird
262
00:13:32,280 --> 00:13:36,359
with the big tits. I didn't say
that. Well, that's what I heard.
263
00:13:36,360 --> 00:13:39,200
No, I'm supposed to fire
Mulenga, my best mate.
264
00:13:40,160 --> 00:13:45,879
This reminds me of the time
that I shagged Geoff's wife.
265
00:13:45,880 --> 00:13:49,159
And he was livid.
He was red-face mad, he was.
266
00:13:49,160 --> 00:13:53,919
Uncle Geoff? And when I realised
that what I'd done might have been,
267
00:13:53,920 --> 00:13:55,919
y'know, a bit off...
268
00:13:55,920 --> 00:14:00,599
..I tried to make it up to him
by offering him a go on your mum.
269
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:03,199
You what? It was, like,
towards the end.
270
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:05,559
The rot had proper set in,
do you know what I mean?
271
00:14:05,560 --> 00:14:08,560
Jesus Christ, Dad, that's...
No, it all worked out.
272
00:14:10,240 --> 00:14:12,559
No harm done.
Oh, that's...
273
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,719
You might need to have a little
think about what you can do
274
00:14:15,720 --> 00:14:17,560
to soften the blow for your pal.
275
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:21,520
Yeah. OK. Thanks.
276
00:14:23,960 --> 00:14:28,480
Oi, this, er... this advice,
it don't come for free, you know.
277
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:32,840
Oh, here you go.
Bloody hell! Jesus Christ!
278
00:14:33,800 --> 00:14:35,240
Outrageous!
279
00:14:44,840 --> 00:14:47,319
VOICE ECHOES: To soften the blow
for your pal.
280
00:14:47,320 --> 00:14:50,119
Offering him a go on your mum...
on your mum... on your mum...
281
00:14:50,120 --> 00:14:52,959
..on your mum... on your mum...
on your mum... on your mum...
282
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,920
VOICE FADES
283
00:14:55,840 --> 00:15:01,759
Hiya. Yes, er, I'm just calling
to inquire about the job.
284
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:03,799
Yeah, it's Mulenga.
285
00:15:03,800 --> 00:15:06,720
Yeah, M-U-L-E-N-G-A.
286
00:15:07,760 --> 00:15:11,159
And my last... last name...
287
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:13,239
Yeah, could I call you back?
Is that...?
288
00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:15,760
TIKTOK CLIP PLAYS REPEATEDLY
289
00:15:27,000 --> 00:15:30,159
Have you ever thought about
working in, like, another field?
290
00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:31,799
Like Specsavers, where Clare works?
291
00:15:31,800 --> 00:15:33,919
Oh, Specsavers.
I'm not sure about glasses.
292
00:15:33,920 --> 00:15:35,479
Yeah, no, I'm just trying to help.
293
00:15:35,480 --> 00:15:37,559
I know it's not
about the money for you.
294
00:15:37,560 --> 00:15:40,159
You don't want to lose this job,
cos you'll miss working with me.
295
00:15:40,160 --> 00:15:42,119
I get it.
296
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:43,679
Yeah, that's the reason, man.
297
00:15:43,680 --> 00:15:47,199
Y'know, we're a team, like Lethal
Weapon. Lethal what?
298
00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:48,559
It's a film.
299
00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,039
Sounds like some white-man film.
Oh, no, Danny Glover's in it.
300
00:15:51,040 --> 00:15:52,959
But, y'know, me and you,
we're a team.
301
00:15:52,960 --> 00:15:54,959
And sometimes,
a team gets broken up.
302
00:15:54,960 --> 00:15:57,199
One gets fired
for being a crazy cop.
303
00:15:57,200 --> 00:15:59,359
Bro, I'm not going to work
with your crazy girl.
304
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,960
That's fair enough, yeah. Noted.
305
00:16:07,720 --> 00:16:10,359
'Sup, my manager?
Managers going to manage.
306
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,639
You know it, you know that... Oh.
307
00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:15,079
Ah, I did a new bit.
Liked it. I was into that.
308
00:16:15,080 --> 00:16:17,279
So how are we "managing" today?
309
00:16:17,280 --> 00:16:19,559
Yeah, can we stop the manager thing?
310
00:16:19,560 --> 00:16:21,559
Yeah. Can't you "manage" it?
311
00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,319
No. I just...
I came for advice.
312
00:16:24,320 --> 00:16:26,999
Finally! Yeah... You've come
to your high-street elder.
313
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:30,159
A wise choice, my liege.
High-street elder's MY thing,
314
00:16:30,160 --> 00:16:32,799
so you shouldn't really say it
without my permission.
315
00:16:32,800 --> 00:16:36,319
And "liege" means that I'm above
you. So, yeah, that is correct.
316
00:16:36,320 --> 00:16:39,759
If it's advice you need, it's advice
you shall receive, young Padawan.
317
00:16:39,760 --> 00:16:44,279
OK, let's... I... Can we just stop
all that? Buy the white wine. What?
318
00:16:44,280 --> 00:16:47,319
It's 30 golden sovereigns,
but it's worth every...
319
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,839
..sovereign. Believe me,
320
00:16:48,840 --> 00:16:51,079
when you get back to that boudoir...
HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE
321
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,319
What? It's romantic advice
you need, right?
322
00:16:53,320 --> 00:16:57,159
No, I've got that covered.
How do you know about the £30 wine?
323
00:16:57,160 --> 00:17:00,879
Word on the street. You're taking
your fair maiden to Puccinelli's.
324
00:17:00,880 --> 00:17:04,359
It's a good start. Right, well,
I don't need romantic advice,
325
00:17:04,360 --> 00:17:09,639
thank you, I need professional.
Ye speak, ye shall be spoken to.
326
00:17:09,640 --> 00:17:12,199
OK, have you...
Have YE ever fired anyone?
327
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:15,599
Not in front of the boys!
How could I fire one of those guys?
328
00:17:15,600 --> 00:17:18,160
They'd get eaten alive
out there! OK.
329
00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:21,439
So have you got any...
330
00:17:21,440 --> 00:17:24,679
..any jobs at the moment?
Who for?
331
00:17:24,680 --> 00:17:27,279
Mulenga.
No chance.
332
00:17:27,280 --> 00:17:30,559
He's useless. No, he's not useless.
He's my best salesman.
333
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:33,239
It sounds like you're
about to fire him. No, and don't...
334
00:17:33,240 --> 00:17:35,679
..don't make assumptions. Last time
he was in here, he called me
335
00:17:35,680 --> 00:17:38,039
a prick. Yeah, that's his way
of bonding. It was hurtful.
336
00:17:38,040 --> 00:17:41,439
I would not employ any of
your vagabonds here unless maybe
337
00:17:41,440 --> 00:17:44,399
Amber wanted to move across.
So there ARE vacancies.
338
00:17:44,400 --> 00:17:48,479
For the right person. Right.
Off the top of my head, Amber. Oh!
339
00:17:48,480 --> 00:17:51,599
Oh, yeah, I wonder why. Because
you fancy her, don't you? I don't!
340
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:55,039
I just think she's an excellent
customer service representative.
341
00:17:55,040 --> 00:17:57,759
Shit, I've got to go.
Yeah, area manager's in today.
342
00:17:57,760 --> 00:17:59,999
Yeah. How did...?
Word on the street.
343
00:18:00,000 --> 00:18:02,600
Right, fuckin'...
You always... All right.
344
00:18:05,320 --> 00:18:07,959
Yeah... Try and learn it
for next time.
345
00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:10,599
All right. See you. Is thou onlineth
tonighteth? I might be,
346
00:18:10,600 --> 00:18:12,719
a bit later. It's just cos I'm...
347
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:16,680
..going through some stuff.
When the sun doth... sink...
348
00:18:17,840 --> 00:18:20,640
..thou... shall log on.
349
00:18:21,960 --> 00:18:26,239
Yeah, bro, um, not the greatest
choice, but there you go.
350
00:18:26,240 --> 00:18:28,719
I wouldn't really wear
them ones myself, but, yeah...
351
00:18:28,720 --> 00:18:32,239
Working up the courage? No, George
Allen isn't here yet, all right?
352
00:18:32,240 --> 00:18:34,999
And it's nearly six,
so I have to wait. OK?
353
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,399
Maybe it'll blow over by tomorrow.
354
00:18:37,400 --> 00:18:38,839
Pussy.
355
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:40,479
MUSIC: IN STYLE OF SQUID GAME
356
00:18:40,480 --> 00:18:42,599
Let the game begin!
357
00:18:42,600 --> 00:18:44,599
The fuck? What's going on?
358
00:18:44,600 --> 00:18:46,799
Am I too late? For the firing?
359
00:18:46,800 --> 00:18:49,120
Er, w-why are you in a mask?
360
00:18:50,600 --> 00:18:52,640
TURNS MUSIC OFF
361
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,319
I'm a VIP. From Squid Game.
362
00:18:56,320 --> 00:18:58,719
Oh, I always thought
they were a bit shit, the VIPs.
363
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,599
Yeah, totally fucked the vibe
of the show.
364
00:19:00,600 --> 00:19:03,439
Well, from a management perspective,
they were...
365
00:19:03,440 --> 00:19:06,399
..the best thing in it, so...
You're still here.
366
00:19:06,400 --> 00:19:09,839
Oh, yeah, Russell grew a vag
and bottled it.
367
00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,279
That's sexist.
Excellent.
368
00:19:12,280 --> 00:19:14,519
Right, how are we going to do this?
What are we thinking?
369
00:19:14,520 --> 00:19:17,440
Yeah, a bit of red light,
green light? Not fucking marbles.
370
00:19:19,360 --> 00:19:21,520
Mulenga, I'm... I'm sorry,
man, but...
371
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,719
..unfortunately,
you're... you're fired.
372
00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:28,360
Shit! I knew it!
373
00:19:29,320 --> 00:19:32,799
All right, this is nowhere near
as exciting as the Thetford branch.
374
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:36,399
Can you, like, kick off a bit,
chuck some shit around, you know?
375
00:19:36,400 --> 00:19:38,199
No, man, I deserve it.
376
00:19:38,200 --> 00:19:40,079
Right, this has been
a fucking waste of time.
377
00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:43,119
I wish you all the best
in the future in whatever fucking
378
00:19:43,120 --> 00:19:45,679
underwhelming bullshit job
you end up fucking doing.
379
00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:47,839
So that's fucking great...
I'm going to clear out my locker.
380
00:19:47,840 --> 00:19:50,880
Yeah, I'll come with you.
No, man, it's good.
381
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,920
Wait, so... do I still
work here, then?
382
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:01,039
VOICEOVER: Mad to think that I used
to walk in that high street without
383
00:20:01,040 --> 00:20:05,199
a care in the bloody world.
I've become a corporate machine,
384
00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:08,359
about to trade in my New Balance
for brogues or Chelsea boots.
385
00:20:08,360 --> 00:20:10,239
GEORGE INHALES DEEPLY
386
00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:12,000
I bet you love coming up here...
387
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:15,079
..pissing off the edge of the roof.
388
00:20:15,080 --> 00:20:18,159
All those idiots down below totally
unaware, thinking it's raining.
389
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:22,919
No, I don't really do that. Listen,
it had to be done, OK? I mean...
390
00:20:22,920 --> 00:20:26,999
..I know he's your mate,
but this is management now, Russell.
391
00:20:27,000 --> 00:20:30,599
You're on to bigger and better
things. You're now the big dog.
392
00:20:30,600 --> 00:20:34,599
Yeah? Arf! Let me hear it.
Yeah? Big dog! Ruff-ruff!
393
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:37,479
Let me hear you bark.
Arf-arf. That's the one.
394
00:20:37,480 --> 00:20:41,520
Part of being a manager is about
doing things that we need to do.
395
00:20:42,720 --> 00:20:45,039
And it's not necessarily
the things we want to do.
396
00:20:45,040 --> 00:20:48,640
OK. Like, do you think
I want a Rolex?
397
00:20:51,200 --> 00:20:53,600
Yeah?
No, I needed it.
398
00:20:54,560 --> 00:20:56,480
I remember when I was your age...
399
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,719
Good times.
400
00:20:59,720 --> 00:21:02,239
I hope my being here
really helped you.
401
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:03,999
Yeah.
402
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:07,039
Yeah. Well, you just
piss away, yeah? Yeah.
403
00:21:07,040 --> 00:21:10,200
You piss away,
my sweet, sweet friend.
404
00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,879
Boss!
405
00:21:13,880 --> 00:21:15,999
And whoever you are, come!
406
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:18,999
What's going on?
Whoever I am?
407
00:21:19,000 --> 00:21:21,520
Is he taking the piss? Doesn't
he read Sports Depot Magazine?
408
00:21:29,400 --> 00:21:33,279
It's not fair. I've made, like, two
grands today, yeah, doing nothing.
409
00:21:33,280 --> 00:21:35,759
And you've lost your whole
career and life's work.
410
00:21:35,760 --> 00:21:38,999
So I'm just going to give you all
my money. I can't let you do that,
411
00:21:39,000 --> 00:21:40,839
yeah. That's your ticket
out of this dump.
412
00:21:40,840 --> 00:21:42,839
Yeah, but you gave me
the financial advice.
413
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:45,639
And if you'd followed it,
you'd be in the dirt like me.
414
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:48,279
But I want to be in the dirt.
It's better that way.
415
00:21:48,280 --> 00:21:50,879
Do you know how stressful it is
working the global stock market?
416
00:21:50,880 --> 00:21:53,119
I'm going to just give you
all my money, honestly.
417
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,319
You'd do that for me?
418
00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:58,479
Yeah. There's just one thing, yeah?
419
00:21:58,480 --> 00:22:01,719
Do you know how I get these space
numbers from my phone to yours?
420
00:22:01,720 --> 00:22:05,679
It's, like, do I need, like,
a wire or something?
421
00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,559
I'm really sorry Russell fired you.
Fuck Russell, man!
422
00:22:08,560 --> 00:22:10,799
I've taken him
out of my iPhone faves.
423
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,279
There he is, me bestie!
424
00:22:13,280 --> 00:22:15,639
Edgers has found something.
My office, now.
425
00:22:15,640 --> 00:22:17,759
I've always wanted to say that.
Sounds good.
426
00:22:17,760 --> 00:22:19,520
It's got a good ring to it.
427
00:22:20,760 --> 00:22:22,799
I send videos
of angry British people
428
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:26,199
back home for my family to watch.
429
00:22:26,200 --> 00:22:28,039
Right, and "back home" is...?
430
00:22:28,040 --> 00:22:32,319
Swindon. Swindon. I was sending
Karen's video for my wife to see,
431
00:22:32,320 --> 00:22:34,199
but then I found this new one.
432
00:22:34,200 --> 00:22:37,079
MULENGA: No fucking way!
Give it to me!
433
00:22:37,080 --> 00:22:38,319
Trainer thief!
434
00:22:38,320 --> 00:22:41,279
Someone who looks like that calling
ME a trainer thief! That's ironic!
435
00:22:41,280 --> 00:22:44,119
SLOW-MO: Someone who looks
like that... Someone who looks
like that...
436
00:22:44,120 --> 00:22:46,919
Oh, wow, we'll fucking turn that
off, cos she's a bloody racist.
437
00:22:46,920 --> 00:22:48,879
So I'll just jump in there.
438
00:22:48,880 --> 00:22:52,199
Wow. You know what it says
in the Sports Depot code of conduct?
439
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:55,359
It says that no member of staff
should tolerate hate speech
440
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:59,279
or racist abuse by a customer.
I told you she's a Karen. So...
441
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,799
..I shouldn't have fired him.
442
00:23:00,800 --> 00:23:05,839
I cannot tell you
how disappointed I am in you.
443
00:23:05,840 --> 00:23:07,519
But you told me to fire him.
444
00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:10,519
What, a middle-aged white man
firing a black employee
445
00:23:10,520 --> 00:23:12,879
who's just defended himself
against a racist customer?
446
00:23:12,880 --> 00:23:16,279
Well, I tell you what, Russell, the
optics don't look great, do they?
447
00:23:16,280 --> 00:23:19,199
They look like
a fucking car crash. Wow!
448
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,239
You couldn't fire Mulenga
when you should've,
449
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,839
and you shouldn't have fired him
when you did.
450
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,839
You're like the king of fuckwits.
451
00:23:25,840 --> 00:23:30,319
So, wait, am I fired or not? You,
sir, are most certainly not fired.
452
00:23:30,320 --> 00:23:33,959
OK? Sports Depot would like to
apologise unreservedly for any
453
00:23:33,960 --> 00:23:37,159
anguish that has been caused
by your manager.
454
00:23:37,160 --> 00:23:38,559
Prick.
455
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,159
And on behalf of Sports Depot,
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
456
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,839
I'm going to raise
your salary by 50%,
457
00:23:43,840 --> 00:23:46,199
if that'll stop you
from speaking to anyone about this.
458
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,559
Fuck, man, for that much,
I won't even put it on the socials!
459
00:23:48,560 --> 00:23:51,199
Sort of implicit
in what I'm saying there.
460
00:23:51,200 --> 00:23:52,999
And...
461
00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:56,080
..just, Russell, mate...
462
00:23:57,760 --> 00:23:59,320
..you're fired.
463
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:03,480
What? I don't think
you can fire yourself, bro.
464
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:07,359
I've failed you guys.
I've failed my best friend...
465
00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:10,079
I'm not your best friend.
..I've let you down,
466
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,439
I've let you down.
You let me down.
467
00:24:12,440 --> 00:24:15,439
I don't give a fuck about you.
And most importantly,
468
00:24:15,440 --> 00:24:18,439
I've let down Sports Depot.
So for that, I will fall on
469
00:24:18,440 --> 00:24:23,679
my sword like a Shaolin warrior.
I accept your self-firing, Russell.
470
00:24:23,680 --> 00:24:25,239
Thank you.
471
00:24:25,240 --> 00:24:28,799
But, um, yeah, you're going to need
to do something for me.
472
00:24:28,800 --> 00:24:30,360
C'mere, big dog.
473
00:24:32,000 --> 00:24:35,639
What do you want me to do? We're
going down. What are we doing?
474
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:38,039
That's the one.
I don't want to do this... thing.
475
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:40,439
In your place... Yeah?
476
00:24:40,440 --> 00:24:44,599
..effective immediately, I am proud
to hire...
477
00:24:44,600 --> 00:24:46,519
No fucking way, Jemma. No.
478
00:24:46,520 --> 00:24:49,520
It's Russell.
What the shit? What? I'm...?
479
00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:53,720
You may rise.
480
00:24:57,840 --> 00:25:00,159
So I'm rehired?
Effective immediately.
481
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:03,519
And the best news is, cos of
Sports Depot's fire and rehire
482
00:25:03,520 --> 00:25:07,439
policy, you're going to be on a
starting wage with reduced benefits.
483
00:25:07,440 --> 00:25:12,160
Once again, George Allen
saving the motherfucking day!
484
00:25:13,120 --> 00:25:15,080
This is nothing like Squid Game.
485
00:25:16,760 --> 00:25:18,480
What about now?
486
00:25:20,280 --> 00:25:24,239
Oh, watch the step. Thank you.
SHE GIGGLES
487
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:27,719
I can still taste the oysters.
Yeah, same.
488
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:29,479
HE BELCHES
489
00:25:29,480 --> 00:25:32,919
Oh, God! Thank you so much for
getting all three desserts. Oh...
490
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:37,279
I just couldn't choose. That's OK.
Um, I mean, anything for me woman!
491
00:25:37,280 --> 00:25:39,799
Although I will have to sell
some trainers to pay for it...
492
00:25:39,800 --> 00:25:43,479
..which is cool. Oh, there's
something I want to tell you, so...
493
00:25:43,480 --> 00:25:46,439
Sh. Fuck me like
it's the first time.
494
00:25:46,440 --> 00:25:49,480
It sort of is, really,
if you... OK. We've...
495
00:25:53,920 --> 00:25:55,960
SOFT MOAN
496
00:25:57,520 --> 00:25:59,959
Are you thinking of your ex?
497
00:25:59,960 --> 00:26:02,640
What? No! OK.
No. OK!
498
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:07,439
Fuck! Jesus! What? I cut my nails
and everything, like you said, so...
499
00:26:07,440 --> 00:26:10,159
No, no, no, no, it's my tattoo.
Oh, right. What, you got a tattoo...
500
00:26:10,160 --> 00:26:12,519
Oh, my God! ..there? Yeah,
on my fanny, yeah. Oh, right...
501
00:26:12,520 --> 00:26:15,119
I thought you were getting, like,
a dolphin on your ankle. Oh, my God,
502
00:26:15,120 --> 00:26:17,039
that is really sore, actually.
503
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:20,639
Oh, so, what, Blaze
was down there? Yeah. Oh.
504
00:26:20,640 --> 00:26:23,559
Down there. For a good few hours,
actually. Can I see it?
505
00:26:23,560 --> 00:26:25,439
No! No.
What?!
506
00:26:25,440 --> 00:26:27,200
Can we do me now?
507
00:26:28,400 --> 00:26:30,239
Is that...?
508
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:33,039
You do you. Yeah? No, you do you.
And I'll do me, yeah?
509
00:26:33,040 --> 00:26:36,239
Oh, I do myself? Yeah.
And I'll do myself. OK.
510
00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:38,520
Don't look at me, though.
All right.
511
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,719
It feels like you're breathing
really loudly.
512
00:26:42,720 --> 00:26:44,479
Oh, it's just a really long belt.
513
00:26:44,480 --> 00:26:46,319
SHE SIGHS
514
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:47,839
And don't listen.
515
00:26:47,840 --> 00:26:49,679
VOICEOVER: I know
what you're thinking.
516
00:26:49,680 --> 00:26:52,519
That's the best anniversary present
a man can have.
517
00:26:52,520 --> 00:26:53,839
Let me just spark this quickly.
518
00:26:53,840 --> 00:26:55,759
Well... you're wrong.
519
00:26:55,760 --> 00:26:57,719
The real gift is being manager,
520
00:26:57,720 --> 00:27:00,079
giving a pay rise
to your best mate...
521
00:27:00,080 --> 00:27:01,359
Leng.
522
00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,399
..proving that Sports Depot
has more to offer
523
00:27:03,400 --> 00:27:06,040
than the whole
continent of Australia...
524
00:27:09,240 --> 00:27:11,719
..learning from the best
in the retail game.
525
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:14,159
No, and I haven't had
a drop of caffeine yet.
526
00:27:14,160 --> 00:27:16,639
I don't give a shit it's
your birthday.
527
00:27:16,640 --> 00:27:19,240
..while standing
on the shoulders of giants...
528
00:27:20,480 --> 00:27:23,199
Wait, did he just put
creatine in his tea?
529
00:27:23,200 --> 00:27:25,559
Still haven't worked
that guy out yet.
530
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:27,359
HE SLURPS
531
00:27:27,360 --> 00:27:30,479
Dad may have shown me
what it is to be a man...
532
00:27:30,480 --> 00:27:34,839
..but Sports Depot taught me
what it is to be a man... ager.
533
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:38,399
I can't wait to see what else
it has in store for me.
534
00:27:38,400 --> 00:27:41,160
And I think I speak for everyone
when I say that.
535
00:27:43,680 --> 00:27:45,119
Life giveth...
536
00:27:45,120 --> 00:27:47,439
..and life taketh awayeth.
537
00:27:47,440 --> 00:27:49,719
It took me nine years
to be a manager,
538
00:27:49,720 --> 00:27:52,839
and my only worry
is that I've peaked too soon.
539
00:27:52,840 --> 00:27:56,599
Ask me if I'd do it all over again
exactly the same
540
00:27:56,600 --> 00:28:00,799
and I'd tell you, absolutely,
in a really big heartbeat.
541
00:28:00,800 --> 00:28:04,839
And who wouldn't want to start
this trainer collection again?
542
00:28:04,840 --> 00:28:07,079
Fuck's sake.
543
00:28:07,080 --> 00:28:10,479
♪ I know way too many people
here right now
544
00:28:10,480 --> 00:28:12,799
♪ That I didn't know last year
545
00:28:12,800 --> 00:28:14,439
♪ Who the fuck are y'all?
546
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:16,839
♪ I swear it feels like
the last few nights
547
00:28:16,840 --> 00:28:21,239
♪ We've been everywhere, babe
But I just can't remember at all
548
00:28:21,240 --> 00:28:24,279
♪ What am I doing?
What am I doing?
549
00:28:24,280 --> 00:28:27,039
♪ Oh, yeah, that's right,
I'm doing me
550
00:28:27,040 --> 00:28:31,239
♪ I'm doing me,
I'm living life right now, man
551
00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:34,199
♪ And this is what I'm gonna do
till it's over
552
00:28:34,200 --> 00:28:37,480
♪ Till it's over
It's far from over. ♪
76929
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