Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language and adult humour

You're a waste in Sports Depot. You mean I'm wasting my life at Sports Depot?

You are in the top five most beautiful men in Peterborough.

She's shit on my shoe.

You know we do the big mugs? I'm thinking big bowls.

Hella cereal. Or salad. Thing is, I need a way to make money right now.

Congrats, Russell. For what?

A new leader has arisen!

Team leader. So who's in charge now, then?

I'm in charge!

You fucking like that, don't you, you cocky little simpleton?

Maybe this'd be better in a bedroom.

- We're going to have sex! - HE YELLS

Can't wait.

VOICEOVER: New Balance Casablancas, the quietest trainer known to man.

Perfect for surprises.

SHE SNORES

- Happy anniversary! - SHE YELLS

Ow! What the fuck?

Ow... Help.

Who let you in?

Flatmate Sophie. Sophie! How many fucking times

have I told you not to let him in under any circumstances?

VOICEOVER: Anniversaries are a great opportunity

to reflect on a relationship. On our two-month anniversary,

I took her for a romantic dinner at Cafe Continental. You know it's good

when continental's in the title. Am I right?

Clare Bear, I just want to say that the past two months with

you have been filled with...

..nothing but love. No. Stop whatever this is about to be, OK?

Cos you just asked if I wanted food, and I said yes.

It's a very simple set-up. I've got a surprise.

♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪

What is he doing? ♪ Happy birthday to you... ♪

I specifically said anniversary. ♪ Happy birthday, dear Clare... ♪

What is he doing?

No, I don't like it. Make him stop. It's all right. Don't worry, mate.

Um, yeah, you can just bag it up, thanks.

Cheers. I'll still pay for it. Are you going to cry?

No, I'm... You're an embarrassment.

We've officially been together for one whole year.

We met three years ago. Yeah, but I did some calculations.

You were still with your ex for the first six months,

so I've been counting that as half-days.

And then all the times that you dumped me, that adds up to 364 days.

That's a whole year! Oh, my God.

For you, my liege.

All right, I haven't got you anything. Oh, didn't you?

Uh-oh. It's from me to me. I got 'em from you... basically.

Thanks, babe.

Oh, fuck's sake!

Take the price tag off next time, Russell. Yeah.

Nice, though. Are you going to make it up to me?

Yeah. Take me out tonight? I just really want to go to Puccinelli's.

Yeah. No, I've heard that, actually, it's quite expensive in there.

They have a bottle of wine that costs 30 quid.

Yeah, but you're a manager now, aren't you? So you can afford it.

And maybe instead of these flowers, you can... pay for my tattoo, yeah?

Um...

I mean...

Y... I've already bought these. But, yeah, I can...

..definitely...

What are you...? What are you getting?

It's a surprise, isn't it? Can we get matching ones?

No. OK, well...

Can't wait to see it!

VOICEOVER: Anniversaries, one of the pillars

of a stable, loving relationship. Mm.

Show me your trainers again.

Oh, my God. I know. Wow. Yeah. They're exactly the same trainers

that my ex has. Oh, but they only just came out.

You making a cup of tea? They've only been out two months...

My dealer only accepts this, like,

spaceship-type money thing now called Ethereum.

Yeah, man, that's crypto. I dipped my toe in that shit. Really?

Made some dough. Why do you stay working at this soul-sucking toilet,

then? I like to keep my feet on the ground, you know?

It's a dangerous game in the wrong hands. You can get wrecked.

You've got to understand the tech, like me. Totally.

It's just mine actually doubled. Last night it didn't, though.

Last night it did the opposite. It did the bad one,

the opposite of doubling.

What happened to you?

Oh, it's our anniversary. Ohhh, don't. Yuck!

But, er, y'know, a gentleman never tells tales. Yeah, don't.

Taking Clare for an anniversary meal at Puccellini's later.

But I heard they got a bottle of wine in there

that's like 30 quid, though. I know. But I'm getting my first managerial

pay cheque tomorrow, so that should cover it.

Wait, is that Clare over there with Blaze?

Yep. That's me girlfriend!

Oh. It's cool that you're in an open relationship.

I'm not in an open relationship! She's getting a tattoo from him.

What's she getting? Oh, she won't tell me.

But you're paying for it, though? Yes.

That's what boyfriends do. Has a boyfriend ever got you a tattoo?

I don't think so. If they did, it wasn't a permanent one,

cos, like, where is it? You know?

So, what base did you get to after you gave her the flowers?

Mate, you do not want to know. Come on. I want to know.

Yeah, I just don't really know the bases.

Er, but she let me watch her get dressed.

Woo! Yeah.

That's, like, second.

It might even be third. Nice! Mm. Wow.

- PHONE BUZZES - Oh!

Yeah.

ON PHONE: I swear to God, if you haven't booked Puccinelli's...

This dinner's going to clean me right out. Yeah, but think about it.

When they ask you, "Do you want to see the specials?",

later on, you might even get to see HER specials!

Maybe dish of the day might be shaved truffle!

Do you think a misogynistic innuendo is an appropriate topic for a

manager and one of his underlings to be discussing at the tills?

No. No... no, I don't. Everyone knows I hate misogyny.

If George Allen found out that a conversation about a pulsating cock

thrusting towards a winking arsehole was had within earshot of customers,

well, you'd be out of here

quicker than hot jizz spraying inside that anus.

Oh... I'm pretty sure we didn't say any of that.

It's what I heard, Russell.

Right, well, you just killed the vibe. We were having a great time.

So would you mind just...

..leaving and go and help Amber? Bye, Mulenga.

What's a shaved truffle?

So, I bought this Ethereum, yeah? And that's worth £200.

It's disgusting. Mm-hm. I'm getting rich literally just by existing.

I'm like a fat capitalist pig, y'know,

just exploiting everyone around her.

Er, you've hung that one upside down.

I don't really understand what this cryptocurrency thing is about.

It's basically supposed to disrupt the current system, bring down

the globalist elites and distribute wealth back to the masses.

Just like I've dreamt since I was a baby.

And does it? Fuck knows!

You need to hang them in size order!

Small at the front, and then getting bigger as you go towards the back.

What are you doing? Just seeing which one's smaller.

Just look at these. Yeah, I know, ladies', cos ladies' are smaller.

But this one's bigger. Large. L means large.

Oh! So M's not for men's, then? Medium.

What did you think S meant?

Sport.

Here we are, madam.

I can tie them in many ways.

Crisscross, tramline, loop de loop, upside down,

oops upside your head,

or normal. What would you prefer?

I think normal, thank you.

OK.

Hi. I'm picking up some trainers.

Excuse me? I'm talking to you.

Yeah, have you got your order number? My name's Vicky Lee, L-E-E.

Yeah, but it'd be quicker if you just give me your order number.

Amber? You know if you convert your Ethereum to BMB via Pancake Swap,

yeah, you can buy this new coin called Hoddle.,

What? Found it. OK, 78584, then the letter X, letter R.

Yeah, do you know what? I think I'm just going to stick to Ethereum.

I'm really not out here trying to be the Wolf from Wall Street, y'know?

Trust me, you need to buy Hoddle. Yeah? I'm an expert in this team.

You'll make shitloads. Sorry, can we hurry up? Can you...?

Yeah, yeah, I've found it. Have you got some ID?

No, I haven't got any ID.

Oh, my money's just doubled. I hate this.

You're fucking kidding me.

Right, I haven't got any photo ID,

but I'm in a rush, so I'm just going to take these.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Listen, you can't take it without ID.

What do you think this is? I paid for them, so I'm going to take them.

Why are you being such a Karen?

You can't call me a Karen! That's a hate crime! That's a hate speech!

What are you doing? Give me the box! Let go of the thing, bro!

Ciao. Do you, um, do any cheap tables?

Do you do meal deals?

Do you do, like, a kids' menu...

..that you could make look like a grown-up's?

Are you the boss?

Yeah. Come.

What did you say to her?

Literally, all I said was,

"How can I help you, madam?"

Come on, man, what did you say that got her so pissed?

I called her a Karen.

You can't call someone a Karen. Even if it's their name?

Fair point. That is a grey area. But...

I'm handling it. She's made a formal complaint. Are you sure?

I helped her fill in the form. Thank you SO much.

Right, we need to move quickly before George Allen finds out.

Mr Allen knows of Mulenga's horrific display of anti-customer brutality.

I've informed him. You know that's my job, not yours?

Thank you, sis. Nothing personal. I'm just upholding

Sports Depot's standards, something old Russell here

is physically incapable of doing. I'm getting fired.

No, you... you...

You have to fire him. It's page 23 of the employees' code of conduct.

Yes, I'm... aware that it's page 23 of the employees' code of conduct.

Thank you.

I don't want to see you go, but it does mean that as we're

no longer colleagues, we can fuck,

and I will show you exactly what a shaved truffle is.

SHE SHIVERS

What page did she say it was?

I'm fucked.

I'd have to fire everyone if I stuck to this.

HE EXHALES

Freaking out? You made me jump!

Not high enough, though. You're still here,

not lying on the pavement down there, brain splattered,

tiny little dick smashed.

I'm not freaking out!

I know he's your mate, but you need to grow a pair.

Or even... one.

I've got balls, Jemma. Really?

I'm just doing this properly, gathering evidence,

making sure it's not rushed. Thank you.

PHONE BUZZES

Ah!

Hi, George.

Hello, Mr Allen! Hello, 999? What?

I'd like to report a fire. Fire?

Yeah, am I too late for the firing? Oh, no, I haven't done it yet.

Get in! That's what I like to hear. I saw Mulenga on TikTok.

MUSIC PLAYS

He is out of here. I will see you in a bit. What, are you coming down?

Yeah! Course. Never miss a firing. Last week, there was a doozy

in the Thetford branch, two for one,

both in tears begging for their jobs.

WHISPERING: Is he coming here? Is he coming? Jemma, fuck off!

So you wait till I get there.

Mulenga's on TikTok? Yeah. One of the customers posted it.

It's had 3,000 views. I sent it to Mr Allen.

He's coming to watch me fire him, you psycho. I'll do it.

You're no manager. I can take this burden from you,

let you coast along, like you always have. No. I'm firing Mulenga.

You're going to go downstairs and you're going to do some work.

This has nothing to do with you. Come on. Chase me.

I'm sick of you. Seriously.

VOICEOVER: Shit. I'm going to have to lawyer up for this.

They cost loads, as well. I wonder if I can get one pro bono.

I can't find your TikTok. 'Low it, man.

Maybe if I search for "angry British lady"...?

Too soon, man, it's too soon.

How am I supposed to destroy the basis of the neoliberal

financial fascism if I just keep making money?

Don't tell me it's doubled again. Oh, er...

Shit. I don't really know what to say, then.

You've become what you set out to destroy.

Like Darth Vader, Bilbo Baggins. What?

You're not in a mood with me, though, are you?

No, it's not you. It's just I've become TikTok famous...

..and I'm about to get fired. It's like my best and worst day

at the same time. Yeah. For me, that'd be like a Tuesday.

Plus, I'm skint!

Everything I earn goes towards paying me and my nan's rent.

I can't tell her I've been fired, because we'll have to downsize.

Downsize? Well, how big's your place now, then? It's a one-bed.

If you downsize from that, it'll be, like...

..like a no-bed, innit?

So I'm supposed to fire him, but...

..I just... I don't know what to do. What would you do?

Sorry, Son. You lost me at the bit where your mate twatted the bird

with the big tits. I didn't say that. Well, that's what I heard.

No, I'm supposed to fire Mulenga, my best mate.

This reminds me of the time that I shagged Geoff's wife.

And he was livid. He was red-face mad, he was.

Uncle Geoff? And when I realised that what I'd done might have been,

y'know, a bit off...

..I tried to make it up to him by offering him a go on your mum.

You what? It was, like, towards the end.

The rot had proper set in, do you know what I mean?

Jesus Christ, Dad, that's... No, it all worked out.

No harm done. Oh, that's...

You might need to have a little think about what you can do

to soften the blow for your pal.

Yeah. OK. Thanks.

Oi, this, er... this advice, it don't come for free, you know.

Oh, here you go. Bloody hell! Jesus Christ!

Outrageous!

VOICE ECHOES: To soften the blow for your pal.

Offering him a go on your mum... on your mum... on your mum...

..on your mum... on your mum... on your mum... on your mum...

VOICE FADES

Hiya. Yes, er, I'm just calling to inquire about the job.

Yeah, it's Mulenga.

Yeah, M-U-L-E-N-G-A.

And my last... last name...

Yeah, could I call you back? Is that...?

TIKTOK CLIP PLAYS REPEATEDLY

Have you ever thought about working in, like, another field?

Like Specsavers, where Clare works?

Oh, Specsavers. I'm not sure about glasses.

Yeah, no, I'm just trying to help.

I know it's not about the money for you.

You don't want to lose this job, cos you'll miss working with me.

I get it.

Yeah, that's the reason, man.

Y'know, we're a team, like Lethal Weapon. Lethal what?

It's a film.

Sounds like some white-man film. Oh, no, Danny Glover's in it.

But, y'know, me and you, we're a team.

And sometimes, a team gets broken up.

One gets fired for being a crazy cop.

Bro, I'm not going to work with your crazy girl.

That's fair enough, yeah. Noted.

'Sup, my manager? Managers going to manage.

You know it, you know that... Oh.

Ah, I did a new bit. Liked it. I was into that.

So how are we "managing" today?

Yeah, can we stop the manager thing?

Yeah. Can't you "manage" it?

No. I just... I came for advice.

Finally! Yeah... You've come to your high-street elder.

A wise choice, my liege. High-street elder's MY thing,

so you shouldn't really say it without my permission.

And "liege" means that I'm above you. So, yeah, that is correct.

If it's advice you need, it's advice you shall receive, young Padawan.

OK, let's... I... Can we just stop all that? Buy the white wine. What?

It's 30 golden sovereigns, but it's worth every...

..sovereign. Believe me,

when you get back to that boudoir... HE CLICKS HIS TONGUE

What? It's romantic advice you need, right?

No, I've got that covered. How do you know about the £30 wine?

Word on the street. You're taking your fair maiden to Puccinelli's.

It's a good start. Right, well, I don't need romantic advice,

thank you, I need professional. Ye speak, ye shall be spoken to.

OK, have you... Have YE ever fired anyone?

Not in front of the boys! How could I fire one of those guys?

They'd get eaten alive out there! OK.

So have you got any...

..any jobs at the moment? Who for?

Mulenga. No chance.

He's useless. No, he's not useless. He's my best salesman.

It sounds like you're about to fire him. No, and don't...

..don't make assumptions. Last time he was in here, he called me

a prick. Yeah, that's his way of bonding. It was hurtful.

I would not employ any of your vagabonds here unless maybe

Amber wanted to move across. So there ARE vacancies.

For the right person. Right. Off the top of my head, Amber. Oh!

Oh, yeah, I wonder why. Because you fancy her, don't you? I don't!

I just think she's an excellent customer service representative.

Shit, I've got to go. Yeah, area manager's in today.

Yeah. How did...? Word on the street.

Right, fuckin'... You always... All right.

Yeah... Try and learn it for next time.

All right. See you. Is thou onlineth tonighteth? I might be,

a bit later. It's just cos I'm...

..going through some stuff. When the sun doth... sink...

..thou... shall log on.

Yeah, bro, um, not the greatest choice, but there you go.

I wouldn't really wear them ones myself, but, yeah...

Working up the courage? No, George Allen isn't here yet, all right?

And it's nearly six, so I have to wait. OK?

Maybe it'll blow over by tomorrow.

Pussy.

MUSIC: IN STYLE OF SQUID GAME

Let the game begin!

The fuck? What's going on?

Am I too late? For the firing?

Er, w-why are you in a mask?

TURNS MUSIC OFF

I'm a VIP. From Squid Game.

Oh, I always thought they were a bit shit, the VIPs.

Yeah, totally fucked the vibe of the show.

Well, from a management perspective, they were...

..the best thing in it, so... You're still here.

Oh, yeah, Russell grew a vag and bottled it.

That's sexist. Excellent.

Right, how are we going to do this? What are we thinking?

Yeah, a bit of red light, green light? Not fucking marbles.

Mulenga, I'm... I'm sorry, man, but...

..unfortunately, you're... you're fired.

Shit! I knew it!

All right, this is nowhere near as exciting as the Thetford branch.

Can you, like, kick off a bit, chuck some shit around, you know?

No, man, I deserve it.

Right, this has been a fucking waste of time.

I wish you all the best in the future in whatever fucking

underwhelming bullshit job you end up fucking doing.

So that's fucking great... I'm going to clear out my locker.

Yeah, I'll come with you. No, man, it's good.

Wait, so... do I still work here, then?

VOICEOVER: Mad to think that I used to walk in that high street without

a care in the bloody world. I've become a corporate machine,

about to trade in my New Balance for brogues or Chelsea boots.

GEORGE INHALES DEEPLY

I bet you love coming up here...

..pissing off the edge of the roof.

All those idiots down below totally unaware, thinking it's raining.

No, I don't really do that. Listen, it had to be done, OK? I mean...

..I know he's your mate, but this is management now, Russell.

You're on to bigger and better things. You're now the big dog.

Yeah? Arf! Let me hear it. Yeah? Big dog! Ruff-ruff!

Let me hear you bark. Arf-arf. That's the one.

Part of being a manager is about doing things that we need to do.

And it's not necessarily the things we want to do.

OK. Like, do you think I want a Rolex?

Yeah? No, I needed it.

I remember when I was your age...

Good times.

I hope my being here really helped you.

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, you just piss away, yeah? Yeah.

You piss away, my sweet, sweet friend.

Boss!

And whoever you are, come!

What's going on? Whoever I am?

Is he taking the piss? Doesn't he read Sports Depot Magazine?

It's not fair. I've made, like, two grands today, yeah, doing nothing.

And you've lost your whole career and life's work.

So I'm just going to give you all my money. I can't let you do that,

yeah. That's your ticket out of this dump.

Yeah, but you gave me the financial advice.

And if you'd followed it, you'd be in the dirt like me.

But I want to be in the dirt. It's better that way.

Do you know how stressful it is working the global stock market?

I'm going to just give you all my money, honestly.

You'd do that for me?

Yeah. There's just one thing, yeah?

Do you know how I get these space numbers from my phone to yours?

It's, like, do I need, like, a wire or something?

I'm really sorry Russell fired you. Fuck Russell, man!

I've taken him out of my iPhone faves.

There he is, me bestie!

Edgers has found something. My office, now.

I've always wanted to say that. Sounds good.

It's got a good ring to it.

I send videos of angry British people

back home for my family to watch.

Right, and "back home" is...?

Swindon. Swindon. I was sending Karen's video for my wife to see,

but then I found this new one.

MULENGA: No fucking way! Give it to me!

Trainer thief!

Someone who looks like that calling ME a trainer thief! That's ironic!

SLOW-MO: Someone who looks like that... Someone who looks like that...

Oh, wow, we'll fucking turn that off, cos she's a bloody racist.

So I'll just jump in there.

Wow. You know what it says in the Sports Depot code of conduct?

It says that no member of staff should tolerate hate speech

or racist abuse by a customer. I told you she's a Karen. So...

..I shouldn't have fired him.

I cannot tell you how disappointed I am in you.

But you told me to fire him.

What, a middle-aged white man firing a black employee

who's just defended himself against a racist customer?

Well, I tell you what, Russell, the optics don't look great, do they?

They look like a fucking car crash. Wow!

You couldn't fire Mulenga when you should've,

and you shouldn't have fired him when you did.

You're like the king of fuckwits.

So, wait, am I fired or not? You, sir, are most certainly not fired.

OK? Sports Depot would like to apologise unreservedly for any

anguish that has been caused by your manager.

Prick.

And on behalf of Sports Depot, I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to raise your salary by 50%,

if that'll stop you from speaking to anyone about this.

Fuck, man, for that much, I won't even put it on the socials!

Sort of implicit in what I'm saying there.

And...

..just, Russell, mate...

..you're fired.

What? I don't think you can fire yourself, bro.

I've failed you guys. I've failed my best friend...

I'm not your best friend. ..I've let you down,

I've let you down. You let me down.

I don't give a fuck about you. And most importantly,

I've let down Sports Depot. So for that, I will fall on

my sword like a Shaolin warrior. I accept your self-firing, Russell.

Thank you.

But, um, yeah, you're going to need to do something for me.

C'mere, big dog.

What do you want me to do? We're going down. What are we doing?

That's the one. I don't want to do this... thing.

In your place... Yeah?

..effective immediately, I am proud to hire...

No fucking way, Jemma. No.

It's Russell. What the shit? What? I'm...?

You may rise.

So I'm rehired? Effective immediately.

And the best news is, cos of Sports Depot's fire and rehire

policy, you're going to be on a starting wage with reduced benefits.

Once again, George Allen saving the motherfucking day!

This is nothing like Squid Game.

What about now?

Oh, watch the step. Thank you. SHE GIGGLES

I can still taste the oysters. Yeah, same.

HE BELCHES

Oh, God! Thank you so much for getting all three desserts. Oh...

I just couldn't choose. That's OK. Um, I mean, anything for me woman!

Although I will have to sell some trainers to pay for it...

..which is cool. Oh, there's something I want to tell you, so...

Sh. Fuck me like it's the first time.

It sort of is, really, if you... OK. We've...

SOFT MOAN

Are you thinking of your ex?

What? No! OK. No. OK!

Fuck! Jesus! What? I cut my nails and everything, like you said, so...

No, no, no, no, it's my tattoo. Oh, right. What, you got a tattoo...

Oh, my God! ..there? Yeah, on my fanny, yeah. Oh, right...

I thought you were getting, like, a dolphin on your ankle. Oh, my God,

that is really sore, actually.

Oh, so, what, Blaze was down there? Yeah. Oh.

Down there. For a good few hours, actually. Can I see it?

No! No. What?!

Can we do me now?

Is that...?

You do you. Yeah? No, you do you. And I'll do me, yeah?

Oh, I do myself? Yeah. And I'll do myself. OK.

Don't look at me, though. All right.

It feels like you're breathing really loudly.

Oh, it's just a really long belt.

SHE SIGHS

And don't listen.

VOICEOVER: I know what you're thinking.

That's the best anniversary present a man can have.

Let me just spark this quickly.

Well... you're wrong.

The real gift is being manager,

giving a pay rise to your best mate...

Leng.

..proving that Sports Depot has more to offer

than the whole continent of Australia...

..learning from the best in the retail game.

No, and I haven't had a drop of caffeine yet.

I don't give a shit it's your birthday.

..while standing on the shoulders of giants...

Wait, did he just put creatine in his tea?

Still haven't worked that guy out yet.

HE SLURPS

Dad may have shown me what it is to be a man...

..but Sports Depot taught me what it is to be a man... ager.

I can't wait to see what else it has in store for me.

And I think I speak for everyone when I say that.

Life giveth...

..and life taketh awayeth.

It took me nine years to be a manager,

and my only worry is that I've peaked too soon.

Ask me if I'd do it all over again exactly the same

and I'd tell you, absolutely, in a really big heartbeat.

And who wouldn't want to start this trainer collection again?

Fuck's sake.

♪ I know way too many people here right now

♪ That I didn't know last year

♪ Who the fuck are y'all?

♪ I swear it feels like the last few nights

♪ We've been everywhere, babe But I just can't remember at all

♪ What am I doing? What am I doing?

♪ Oh, yeah, that's right, I'm doing me

♪ I'm doing me, I'm living life right now, man

♪ And this is what I'm gonna do till it's over

♪ Till it's over It's far from over. ♪