Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

You're a waste of a life in Sports Depot.

You mean I'm wasting my life at Sports Depot.

You are in the top five most beautiful men in Peterborough.

She's shit on my shoe.

Fuck you, Allen. You little prick!

I think Mogs just quit.

Congrats, Russell! For what?

A new leader has arisen.

Team leader.

So who's in charge now, then? I'm in charge.

- SHE SCOFFS - Yeah, good one.

"In charge".

Air Max 95, in the original colourway.

I said I'd never break these bad boys out the box till

I got married or had a baby, but something even better happened.

I was made manager at Sports Depot.

It's one of those things you never think will happen to you -

life actually going well, for once.

What are you doing? Are you on heat or something?

What...? We're not baboons, Russell, fucking hell...

Yeah, no, it's a fair point.

I am in a position of responsibility now, don't want to get cancelled.

You know he's got, like, 70% of his body covered in tattoos.

Oh, does he? Well, I'm 90% covered in hair -

it doesn't mean I'm going to open a shop about it.

He's so focused and driven and...

My career's looking good now too.

I'll probably get a pay rise.

Yeah, nice.

All right, see ya. See you la...

What the fuck are you doing? What? I'm saying bye. Jesus.

Get on your way before you try and finger me or something.

Yeah, see ya.

SHE SIGHS

I can't tell if it's the bubbles in these trainers,

or the promotion, but I'm walking on air.

These people, they know what I'm about.

I'm a high street elder.

To them, I'm basically a black belt in retail.

All right, guys?

OK, we're not... You're not moving again. Yeah.

Cool if I just try and...? Nah. No worries, man.

Please, Gs? Nope.

I'll just go round the back. See you in a bit, guys

If I'd have known it was this good to be manager,

I'd have started as one in the first place.

HE CLEARS THROAT

We're doing The Floor Is Lava.

We're basically trying to get from one side of the store to

the other side of the store, but without touching the floor.

Guys...

..this is brilliant. Really good.

Great team-building exercise.

I'm proud of you.

It's a privilege to work here.

The floor is lava, the floor is lava...

You got this.

The floor is lava, the floor is lava...

Go for it.

Right, playtime is over!

What are you doing? What are you doing?! Back to work!

Argh!

HE SQUEALS

Ooh! This is a place of work, people!

I don't know why Mogs was ever stressed out, to be honest.

It's so much easier back here than on the shop floor.

I might just stay back here all day.

- Yeah. - PHONE RINGS

Oh, the phone's ringing. Sorry.

Hello? And the manager of Sports Depot, Peterborough is...

..Mogs!

Russell! Russell!

Yes. There he is, the man with a plan.

Everything all right? Yeah, everything is, uh, rosy.

Yeah? Good, glad to hear.

So, you've sorted out your shoplifting problem, then, yeah?

Shoplifting? Yeah, you know, those little robbers

that hang around outside, I want them gone, Russell.

Oh, the lads.

Yeah...

I'd rather they were in here just doing a little

bit of shoplifting than, you know, somewhere else doing God knows what.

It's an honour that they have chosen Sports Depot.

HE CLICKS FINGERS, MOUTHS

And to be honest, in a sense, they are part of the wider family.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, I hate, uh, hate to do this,

but any more losses are going to come out of staff wages.

So, it's up to you to stop them.

Why... Why don't we get, like, a security guard?

Russell, you said it yourself, you guys are a family, OK?

And a family doesn't farm out its problems to outsiders.

And the last one got properly fucked up. Do you remember?

That's sort of what I'm worried about.

If, you know, we did approach them, it could get a bit,

sort of, aggressive.

Whoa, I don't want any of my staff getting physical. Yeah.

So, just confront them. Just confront them? But not physically.

But not in a physical... Just stop them. Yeah. Stop them. As a family.

How is this fair? The CEO has two a Lamborghinis -

that's in case he drunk crashes one -

and they want to take pennies off us?

Paigons!

Yeah, tell me about it. I literally just did, bro. What you gonna do?

Yeah, yeah, no, I'm just thinking.

We need to work out what we're going to do.

We are talking about you, naughty bastards.

Hey, hey, don't... Hey, don't wind them up.

In some countries, they cut off hands.

I'm just saying.

We are definitely not cutting off hands, all right?

I don't have many rules as a manager,

I'm actually quite relaxed, but that is one of them.

None of you are getting hurt, not under my watch.

Well, I'm not getting paid less just cos you're a weak little man.

We have to do something. OK.

Mulenga, you know how good managers sort of pass on responsibility?

I'm just thinking maybe, I don't know if you

sort of could have a word?

Like, man, listen, I train to look like this so I don't have to fight.

Obviously I can fight.

You lot know about my MMA days, elbow man in their eyes.

But that's behind me, you know? I'm on a strict preparation.

I left London to get away from that.

No, you moved here with girl. And that.

Well, I'm not going to roll over and wait to be fucked.

We're doing it my way.

I like to look someone in the eye when they're fucking me.

Oh...

OK, even if I've got moments left to live

and I'm literally begging, do not give it back, OK?

I guess, but I don't know why you put yourself through this, though.

Because I need to save 5K for Australia

and my biggest outgoing expense is ganj, so...

This ain't the kind of place for me

to be at full capacity, but... Well...

Yeah, I get why you didn't give it to me,

because I'm a manager and I've got a lot on my plate.

Yeah, no, it's because if I give it to you, there is a zero

chance you'd stand up to me.

But I'm a manager and I have a lot of responsibility now.

Fine. Thank you.

Actually, before we start, can I just have it back quickly? Ah, no.

We haven't started yet. We have started.

I literally swear. Swear on someone's lie.

I swear on Princess Diana. She's dead. OK. Clare Balding.

Clare Balding? Yeah.

OK, but if she drops dead, that's on you. OK. She will.

See? Poor Clare Balding.

JEMMA, ON RADIO: We have a cat in the bag!

What do you mean you've got a cat in the bag?

All right, I'm coming down.

Yeah. Who's Clare Balding?

Let me out, you freak!

I said don't touch anyone. I didn't.

I saw him go in and held the door. His mates ran away.

Well, it is a human right not to get locked in Sports Depot, to be fair.

What about my human right to a full wage?

What if he needs a piss? I could do with a piss, actually.

The next piss you'll be doing is behind bars

with it tucked between your legs cos you'll be the new prison bitch.

All right, everyone, just calm down, all right? I'll talk to him.

The time for talking's over, Russell.

We should be chopping off hands.

Or maybe I should call George Allen and tell him

you haven't got the minerals for the job?

I'll deal with this, all right? Unless, Mulenga, you fancy it?

Man... Yeah, no worries. I'll... I'll take this one.

Take this for protection, OK?

Are you ready? Yeah.

Oh, my God, it's like prize reveal, innit?

It's like we've won a teenager.

What's your name, son? AJ.

Talk to me, AJ.

What's gone wrong in your life that brought you here?

What, to Sports Depot?

Poor bastard. It's not your fault.

You can't see a life beyond crime.

Edgars, what's that called?

A systemic societal issue. Yeah.

Listen, can we just call the police, cos I can't be fucked with this.

What, and put another young man in the system?

No, that's not the sort of manager I want to be.

Well, if you won't do it, I'm phoning the police.

Yeah, he's mugging us off.

No police, all right?

Look how pathetic he is. We deal with this in-house.

I was like him once.

Handsome, full of dreams, lost in the concrete jungle.

I get it, it's a code.

And do you know what saved me? Retail.

Maybe that can save you.

♪ A new fantastic point of view

♪ No-one to tell us no

♪ Or where to go

♪ Say we're only dreaming

♪ A whole new world. ♪

SHE SIGHS

It's literally, like, my first day sober at Sports Depot, you know?

It's like the lights have come up at the club.

Has it always been this shit? Yeah.

Well, it's really disappointing.

We've got, like, eight hours left as well.

How do you get through the day?

OK, this is going to sound controversial, yeah,

but you know if you just do your job...

Oh, yeah. ..it goes a little bit quicker.

You know, serving people and that.

Well, I reckon I could serve people, you know?

She looks nice.

Oh, not that mad old bird. She always gets lost in here.

Listen, I told you, stop coming in here. I told you! All right!

This is my place of week! So?

OFF-KEY: ♪ A whole new world with you. ♪

These lot think I live with my girl, not my nan, yeah?

I'm supposed to be a bad man.

You? Bad man?

Aw! Why you laughing?!

You know I'm the baddest man in the mosque hands down.

Temper your temper!

We need to talk about tonight.

I've got a man coming round for a date.

Another date?! It's the third date, actually.

We're having dinner at mine and things might get a bit...

..messy.

That's enough, yeah? That's disgusting.

What?! I meant sex! Argh!

I love having you live with me,

but why haven't you got a place of your own by now?

You're a big boy, all grown-up. I can't have my own place.

Do you know how hard it is to buy a house right now, yeah?

It's not like back in your day, when you just get a cereal box cut-out

and, boom, you have a mortgage. SHE SCOFFS

The disrespect!

Save your money!

You know what, it's cool, yeah.

I've got bare gal I can call up. I just, you know, link all my tings.

That's more like it. That's my boy!

And I'll see you tomorrow. Not too early.

I might want a rematch, you know?

Rematch?! Who even says that?!

You're not in the WWF, Nan.

This is brilliant.

Yeah, you're right, it is brilliant.

No, no, no, I'm genuinely excited about

how much you're fucking this all up.

Get out.

I look like a right prick. You can't make me work here.

HE SHUSHES

OK? This is your chance.

As a high street elder, it is my duty to look out for the youngers,

and also a chance for you to pay off your debt.

I didn't take anything.

RUSSELL CLICKS HIS FINGERS Edgars, show him.

Robbing bastard.

Exactly. You are a robbing bastard, OK, respectfully.

But this - big opportunity for you, a day working at Sports Depot -

could be the start of your retail career. Or I call the police.

Simple. What, wait - so are you asking me or making me? I...

Why can't it be both?

Edgars...

..tell him what's good about working here.

Working is convenient.

No, like, you know, like,

sense of family and...

No, I have family. OK.

There's... there's commission.

Basic commission.

Commission, working here can make him bank.

Listen, if I wanted to make bank I just work with my brother, yeah?

He's a drug dealer. Is he hiring?

Hey. What do you mean, is he hiring?

Weird guy. Weird, weird sense of humour.

Look.

Now just do it.

Yeah.

SHE SIGHS

So busy.

Have I missed lunch?

It's 10am.

10am?

Fucking hell.

Oh, that's mental.

That's Mulenga, he's an ex-roadman.

Turned his life around working in Sports Depot, am I right, baby?

Yeah, proper inspiration.

Now I'm lucky enough to say he's my best mate.

You've never met outside work, have you?

No, it's more an in work thing. Why don't we?

I told you, I was busy that day, man.

I got bare ventures and consistent galdem.

Yeah, you know how it is.

Do you know what I was thinking about earlier?

Do you remember that time that guy came in drinking a Tango

and I said, "Hey, man, no food or drink allowed in the shop"?

And he got proper shirty? And then, guess what. What?

He tripped up, right, spilled his drink everywhere, didn't he?

Yeah, man, dropped his Tango.

And then, you said, erm, you said,

"You've been Tangoed."

Oh, don't. You had to be there.

He probably was there. Stealing shit.

He knows the deal. It's not fun to work here. Just accept that.

He doesn't really think that.

Do you think that?

That's pretty sick boxing gear.

Oh... RUSSELL CLAPS ONCE

..yes. Good way to let out some aggression in a positive

sort of way. Do you want to have a go?

Nah. Come on. Don the pads.

Who needs to put them on in boxing?

Yes, AJ as well, Anthony Joshua. Do you like him? Yeah.

Does a lot of adverts. God, what are these?

6oz. All right, are you ready?

Left, right, left.

Double left. One big right.

Right, you punch that man now. All right, check this out then.

Fight, man.

Fuck. Fuck. Mate, are you all right?

Are you OK?

Right, take these off, man. Argh!

AJ, mate. I was joking. Argh, my nose.

I'm so done with this. I just want to go home.

You've just got to sit tight, mate. Wait for that swelling to go down.

Amazing.

George Allen says get rid of shoplifters and don't touch them.

You give one a job and batter him. It was an accident.

He didn't matter me, it was just a lucky punch.

That's why I don't don the gloves. Too powerful.

I'm bound to be manager after this fuck-up. I might even keep you on.

Make you my little bitch, even get you a badge that just says, "bitch".

Russell, I beg you, just let the little man go.

What if he's got concussion?

My dad's going to kill me if he thinks I've been fighting again.

Hold on, your dad? What, are you from a...

You're not from a... tasty family, are you?

Yeah. I looked him up in the high street shoplifters network.

AJ Brady.

Brady family. Rough as fuck.

Shit. Hold on. It says here symptoms of concussion.

Dizziness, moodiness.

He has been well moody, to be fair.

Yeah, because you punched me in the face, you dickhead. See?

What are we going to do?

You're going to call George Allen and tell him I resign,

put Jemma in charge and then you're going to go home

and wait for AJ's family to come and kill you.

They... they wouldn't...

..murder, would they?

It's just... I'm just going to go and get some air, guys.

OK, you're in charge.

Can I...

Oh, right, you're in there. I didn't know you were in there.

Is it me or is time going, like, well slow?

It's been on this number for, like, a whole minute now. Yeah.

Have you ever been concussed? Yeah.

OK, that's good, because you turned out all right. Mm-hm.

What are you doing in here, anyway?

Just hiding from customers, you know. Mm.

Keep asking me stuff though. Yeah, they do that.

The thing is it's never a question I've got something to say on,

like climate change or the Israel Palestine problem. I know.

It's always, "Were are the socks?" You know? "Where are the hats?"

And, "Why aren't you wearing shoes?"

And they know fuck-all about trainers.

It's sickening, it's embarrassing.

Oh, did you know that you're stress sweating again, Russ?

It's really hot.

Do you want me to leave you in the chillout room to yourself maybe?

Yes, please. Yeah that's fine.

Thank you. Wish me luck. Good luck.

Thank you.

Positive, smiling, don't need to smoke.

Oh, hi.

Er, do you want this in another size?

No, it's full of pee.

Oh, OK. Is it your pee? Oh, I don't know why I asked that.

Erm...

Hi, do you do these in a blue?

Oh, erm, what I can do is I can look out the back for you.

If it helps. Great. Thank you.

You're creeping me out. Sorry, man.

Just watching it heal.

I think it is getting better. Oh, God, it's getting worse, that.

That is proper disgusting. Shit.

Wait, aren't you meant to be on tills?

Oh, yeah. Just wanted to see if you wanted to go for a smoke?

That's all. You said you were off it.

No, I am, but I just like to know it's there.

And I just spent 20 minutes listening to a guy

talk about tennis rackets and then a kid pissed into a shoe

so I need something

and it might help with the pain, don't you think?

Will it? Yeah, I think it will.

Yeah. OK. I see what you're doing.

You want to hang-out with the big dog. Me. Honestly.

I think I'm really getting through to him. Mm.

All right, come on then.

Come on. So, what sort of tennis racket did he go for them?

Oh, no, I told him we don't sell tennis rackets.

No, we do, they're, erm, they're upstairs by the...

Not today, Russell.

♪ Show me how you. ♪

See, AJ, this is retail life.

Your dad won't actually kill us, would he?

Kill you, you mean?

AJ COUGHS

Do you always look that green? My lungs feel a little bit funny.

He's such a lightweight. Yeah.

I thought you said your brother was a dealer.

Yeah, he is. It's just he doesn't let me smoke because

obviously I'm only 14, so. You're 14?

We're fucked.

The floor is lava.

♪ Oh-oh-oh. ♪

You gave drugs to an actual child.

Yeah, we're definitely going to jail.

Do you reckon it's one of those crimes where

you go to the cells for one night?

Like, tonight, maybe?

Aw, I'm so jealous you're high.

RADIO: Russell, your mum's in the shop. What?

She didn't say she was coming.

Erm, OK, tell her I'll be down, yep.

I'm going to... I'll be back.

Don't let him leave this office.

Mum, I'm coming!

Please don't leave!

Never seen you move so fast. Where's my mum? Oh, she's never coming back.

I just wanted you to see this.

Thought it might upset you.

Noted. OK.

Blade Man.

All right, Russ? Oh, my God, this is so awkward.

I'll see you later.

Why you even chatting to him?

He's wearing a waistcoat, he's not even a magician.

You know is real name's Jeremy?

Russell, I'm horny.

What? Yeah. Take me.

But you said that I'm in a position of responsibility

and not to act like a baboon.

Who gives a shit what I said, because I am horny,

so do you want to stand here talking about it

or do you want to take me into the Sports Depot changing room?

Yeah? Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Yo, where's AJ? Shit. Quick, quick, quick. Who's AJ?

Hey, where's AJ, bro?

Yeah, you fucking like that, don't you? You cocky little simpleton.

Yeah, what are we doing? Dirty talking. Oh, OK.

Can you just be nice, though, please?

It's just, I'm quite stressed out... Sh, sh. Shut the fuck up.

Quiet, boy. Sure. It's just, maybe this would be better in a bedroom?

It's just a crack head shoots up in here. This is a modern romance.

And I keep thinking about this 14-year-old kid.

I mean, it's weird but we can work with it.

Did you look at the flats I sent I sent you?

Yeah, but is it in yen or something? Cos there's hella zeros.

It's a bit too much for a one-bed, still.

No, these are market rate, I'm afraid. A'ight, cool.

How about, you see one of then empty flats you've got?

We do a little try-before-you-buy kind of deal.

I'm sorry, that's not a thing. A'ight, get back to me, yeah?

All right, cool, thank you, thank you.

Are you, like, a proper London roadman, yeah? Yeah, bro.

Can't you tell by my swag? That's sick. Yeah, man.

Obviously, I can tell you bare stories about the ends and that.

The hood. Tonight, if you want.

If you got like a spare room or something. Bunk bed? I'm 14.

Yeah, that's kind of weird.

Can you not tell anyone that I asked you that?

Mate, if you were making paper, you'd have your own house.

I got my own house. I just live with my nan... My girl at the moment.

It's a little bit complicated. If you're moist, man.

Who you calling moist, bruv?

You're wet, bro!

You look like Gary Lineker before he was on Match Of The Day.

Fuck this, I ain't baby-sitting this wasteman, bruv.

Hey, wait, wait, just let me out! Yeah, let you out. Watch.

Pussio!

Turns out I do actually need to smoke weed to work here,

so can have my stuff back? There's no way, you are not quitter. I am.

I'm cool with that. Listen, mind over matter.

You have to manifest Australia. Yeah...

You never get what do you want from life

unless you take control of your destiny.

Wait, are you still talking about me?

A'ight, listen, let me do a little calculation.

On Sports Depot wages... no weed... Yeah.

..it would take you... six years to save for Australia. Six years?

Yeah, six years.

♪ You come from a land down under

♪ Where women glow and men plunder

♪ Can't you hear, can't you hear the thunder?

♪ You better run, you better take cover... ♪

Sorry about that, it was a bit quick. Normally I last longer.

That's completely consensual.

We're looking for a kid called AJ.

Oh, thank God for that, yeah.

No, AJ, yep. Sure, good kid.

We do not want to press charges, just a bit shoplifting.

Actually, AJ's the one he called us.

He says he's being held against his will. Oh, right.

Do you want to come to the office?

That's where we're hol... That's where he is.

Not holding him, it's just where he's being... kept.

In, like, a non... sort of weird way.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah.

You detained a 14-year-old, made him work for free,

punched him and drugged him and then detained him again?

Well, now you put it like that, it does sound quite bad.

Right. I don't know what crime this counts as, but,

whatever it is, don't do it again, yeah?

Yeah, sorry.

I was just trying to look out for you, man.

He's going to tell everyone you're a nonce.

Don't tell anyone I'm a nonce.

Everyone hates nonces.

I hate nonces, I do.

Exactly what a nonce would say. Shut up.

Give me a puffer jacket and three pairs of trainers

and then I won't tell anybody you're a nonce. OK, here's another deal.

You work here full-time, you work hard,

you make something of yourself, you could be like me.

A nonce. Shut up.

And I won't abandon you.

Well, he'll think twice about shoplifting here again.

Yeah, because you straight up gave him 200 quid's worth of stock.

And some valuable life lessons.

Can I have a word? Yeah, sure.

This could work.

Mate, Amber just told me you want to join the game at mine tonight.

She what? What game?

All this time and you wanted to, you should have just said.

You're going to have to stay, though, we go late.

Like, midnight late.

The Technation lads are going to love this. It's going to be mental.

See you down there.

Technation lads?

Fuck, no.

You remember that mad old bird from earlier, yeah?

She's just dropped this for you.

And she said that she hopes you've found somewhere to stay tonight

while she's getting laid. Oh, my God.

Your nan's a shagger. Respect.

I can't believe I'm staying at Russell's.

No, just manifest.

Manifest.

Proper shame I couldn't convince AJ that retail was the one,

but I'm a high street elder.

I tried to bring him into the tribe but actually,

some people are wrong'uns who won't fit into the tribe,

so I had to reject him.

Plus, George Allen's happy cos the lads have moved onto FootZone.

A job well done in the end.

Although the manager is a certified nonce down there.

Best of all, me and Mulenga are finally doing something after work.

Always invite your staff back to yours, basically. They love it.

My man Stogbar, the Bog Lord,

running through the goblins' ends, you get me? Man like, brrap, brrap!

Bare crossbow +2 in the head, yeah?

Everyone in the Forgotten Realm...

..dead.

Wow.

You lot ain't bad. You can leave now.

Yeah, I look like Wonder Woman, bro. So good, man. Yeah, yeah.

Happy anniversary! Aargh!

Ow! You going to make it up to me? Take me out tonight?

This dinner's going to clean me right out.

When they ask you, do you want to see the specials,

later on, you might even get to see HER specials.

Maybe dish of the day might be shaved truffle.

What are you doing? Give me the box! Let go!

I'm getting fired. He is out of there.

He's coming to watch me fire him, the psycho.

Big dog. Woof-woof! Woof-woof.

Now I will show you exactly what a shaved truffle is.

Let the game begin!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media