Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour.

The thing you should know about me is that I have a photographic memory,

but it's... like, it's only for trainers.

I can tell you where I was and what I was doing

the first time I wore every pair.

Reebok Iversons,

my first house party.

- Whoa, easy, mate. - HE SPLUTTERS

Don't make love to it.

You all right?

I've... I've not been sick.

Adidas Superstars aka Shell Toes.

I remember thinking...

It's a bit weird.

You going on holiday with my PE teacher, Mum.

Russell, babe, how many times?

It's not a happy holiday.

It's a permanent one...

..from your dad.

Yeah, but why does Mrs Dunthorpe need a holiday from Dad?

Bye, Mum.

ENGINE STARTS

Bye, Miss!

Yeezy Boost 700s, Wave Runners.

This one's easy, cos it's... today.

It's just...

..maybe if you don't find the heels comfortable, you shouldn't wear them.

Most men wouldn't need to be asked, Russell.

They'd just offer up their trainers.

Yeah, fair point.

It's just, I didn't ever really realise

- how much glass there is down here. - SHE SIGHS

Russell!

Just man up, yeah?

Man up.

No, this, um...

..this isn't working.

Yeah. No, you're right.

You're kind of walking in them funny and it's giving...

No, no, no, no. I mean us. Oh.

We're just not a match, you and me,

cos I'm a medical professional under a lot of pressure.

At Specsavers? Uh...

And you're...

Look, I'll put it gently, because you're a sensitive idiot,

but you're a waste of a life in Sports Depot.

You... you mean I'm wasting my life at Sports Depot?

It's over, Russell.

Can I get my trainers back?

There's this saying that the eyes are the gateway to the soul,

but they should have said trainers.

Every pair tells a story.

And these are m...

Well, yeah. This is mine, basically.

OK? Thanks.

You wouldn't catch me dead

in any of the shit trainers that we sell at Sports Depot.

That would literally destroy decades of reputation.

Like I always say, "Don't look someone in the eyes,

"look at them in the trainers."

Take my friend Mulenga.

He wears Air Force Ones.

They look good, feel good,

just like Mulenga.

Not... just... not in a weird way.

If you want to lose weight, you've got to gain it first.

Really?

Accumulate to accumulate, bruv.

I run a lickle personal training business on the side.

But you look... I look what?

What are you trying to say? I look fat, bro?

Trust the process. Right now, I'm just bulking.

Amber wears Vans, which says,

"Minimal effort," or "Given up on life."

Depends what way you look at it, really.

Just wanted to know where the golf clubs are.

Can you point me in their direction?

Nah, I wish I was better at my job too, but I'm just not,

do you know what I mean?

I'm literally a mystery shopper.

Golf clubs? Yeah. Uh...

Upstairs, by all the weird camping shit.

Oh, you're not going to believe what's happened to me.

Clare's binned you off again?

Yeah, how do you... Oh, it's just your face.

I'm on a come-down at work and you look more gutted than me.

You lot weren't even doing the ting, so...

Doesn't mean we weren't doing stuff. We were doing bits.

Tantric. Love it.

Well, she'd do this one thing, right,

where she'd lie on the bed...

..fiddling. Gee! You are such a player, bro.

And then where are you in all of this?

So, I'm face down on the floor, or on the corner of the bed

where she can't see, because if I get in her eyeline,

throws her off, dries her up.

I feel like you need a proper connection, though, with someone,

like me and that guy I made out with at the Halloween rave?

Do you think... he's the one?

I think maybe, like, definitely.

I can't wait to see his face tonight.

You haven't... you haven't seen his face?

Nah, it's fancy dress, innit?

He was Batman, I was a slutty alien.

Tale as old as time.

Right.

Edgars is brand-new to the family.

He wears Karrimors and basketball shorts,

which, to my knowledge, I don't think has been done before.

Yeah, so it's really hard to get a read on him.

Still, nice guy.

She was like, "Man up."

I just, sort of, wanted a final opinion, really.

If you want my opinion, Russell...

You want it? Yeah.

Remind me of the problem. I'm engrossed in Mills and Boons.

OK. So, she said it was over,

but, sort of, like...

..like a question, you know? Like...

.."It's over?"

Like, went up at the end. This woman is not good for you.

Yeah. Really? Yeah.

You are in the top five most beautiful men in Peterborough.

She's shit on my shoe.

But, you know, everyone says that she's out of my league.

You can't trust people, Russell.

Yeah.

All right, well, good chat. Thanks for that.

Lots to think about.

Appreciate your wisdom.

Jemma wears red Reebok Cardi Bs.

Red is a warning in the animal kingdom

and Cardi B is simply terrifying.

What's this?

Dunno.

You had your lip waxed?

This is the face of someone who's made eight sales in an hour.

Why are you in sliders?

They're not allowed.

You're not the manager.

Neither are you and you've been here eight years.

I've only been here three months.

Nine years.

Thank you.

All right, yeah, you win.

All right, what do you want? Pockets, please.

I only just got in.

Staff members must be searched.

I don't enjoy this any more than you do.

Feels like you definitely do.

PATTING

Good boy. RADIO: Russell. My office, now.

I need you to go to the office.

Don't make me tell you again. Yeah, I'm going.

And not because you said.

Go on! Because Mogs asked me.

Off you pop! What?

Your hair line already left.

Mogs is store manager.

It's rare that I don't recognise a pair of trainers,

but genuinely, what the fuck are those?

Besides a cry for help, obviously.

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Management looks mad stressful, to be fair,

although she's always got time for us.

Sorry. It's just Clare left me again.

Yeah, no time, Russell.

I've been on the phone to head office since breakfast,

I'm pissing three times an hour and my fanny...

..has got a heartbeat.

Shit, is it meant to?

I want you to watch the phone for me. OK.

This little dickhead thinks my bladder's a stress ball.

SHE SIGHS

What, just stay on the phone? Yes, Russell, stay on the phone.

HE YAWNS

- SHE GROANS - Look.

She's all over him.

Question is, though,

what's Blades got that Russell hasn't?

Obviously, you know, with the muscles and the tattoos

and the shoes and the beard and the personality and...

Here it is. Blades is lame, yeah?

Yeah. But he's his own boss, you know?

He's got his own tattoo shop, chooses his own hours.

Doesn't have to wear Sports Depot shit.

Maybe his life is better than us.

Well, I dunno, actually,

cos Elon Musk actually started at JD Sports.

Swear down?! Honestly, yeah. That's what I'm sayin'!

See? It's the origin stories like that

that keep me going through the grind.

That's what's gonna make me get out of here, cos of that...

Wait.

Wait, you're lying, innit?

Why are you always lying?

I dunno, you know?

They're like my little stories, like free TV in my head.

Mogs, look, there's no sugar-coating this shit sandwich.

Uh, it's Russell, um...

Mogs will be back in a minute.

Russell, yeah? Be a mate, yeah?

Just tell her I can't sign off that maternity leave.

Um...

Are you sure you definitely want to go through with this?

I have rights, you know.

Yeah, and in many ways, I'm a huge supporter of those rights,

and in many other ways, you're not actually on contract,

so we're not obliged to give you that extra holiday.

Holiday. It's a fucking baby.

Which is such a blessing, right?

All right. What if I quit right now?

Well, it sounds like you made up your mind, so just...

I'm gonna have to find a replacement.

Just put me on whoever's been here the longest, yeah?

Fuck you, Allen, you prepubescent little prick!

All right, you take care, Mogs. All the best now.

I think Mogs just quit.

Yeah, not to worry. Um...

Congrats, Russell!

Oh.

Thanks.

For what?

Being manager, though.

What do you reckon?

Am I ready for it?

Come on, cuz, you're 36.

Yeah. If not now, then when?

It's not like you're gonna manage in the afterlife or something.

Yeah, I know, but...

..I just don't really see myself as a corporate slug.

At the end of the day, you've both said it,

I'm more of a sort of creative.

Man of the people. As much as I do think

it would be a proper laugh with you in charge...

Cheers. ..I do worry that this shop

is robbing us of our most fuckable years.

And it's like,

will we die here,

all alone, surrounded by shoes?

You know, completely unfuckable?

Well, no, there are worse places to work than here.

Where?

Claire's Accessories is shit.

It's tiny in there.

And you have to, like, pierce... children's ears.

Should just come to Australia with me, Russ.

Great. What, you're leaving as well?

You been chatting about that for time, you ain't going.

I am. I'm going really soon, actually.

I just think Sports Depot hasn't been run properly since, like...

..2014. That was a good year.

The old logo. Oh.

Our happiness depends on man like Russell taking this job.

Really?

Russell...

..the bossman.

Manning up.

Manning up!

That's mad, cos Clare said that.

Maybe she was good for me.

What is this?

It's like sage and onion.

I trust you guys.

All right? No more searches.

I told you, do not trust people, Russell.

Look, this is going to be sick, OK?

- No more searches, yeah? - JEMMA SNIFFS

And, like, if you guys have any problems or any ideas,

you can always come to me.

See me as a momager, like Kris Jenner.

Question over here. What is it?

You're gonna be shit at this.

Well, that's not even a question.

All right, what do you think?

Yeah, it suits you. Yeah?

It's just a bit big around the titty area... Yeah.

..but it suits you. Yeah. See what you were saying earlier

about coming to you with ideas and that?

Yeah? I think I've got one.

Oh, nice. Yeah. Go on. There's this big bossman opportunity going on.

OK. Dream Travel is closing down.

Yeah? All their office stuff is just sitting there...

..ready to go. Yeah?

Real-life Storage Wars, fam.

Aw, man, I fucking love Storage Wars.

But what I mean by idea is, like, more Sports Depot-related.

So, like, you know, we do the big mugs?

Yeah. So, like, my idea, for example, is, like, big bowls.

Like, too big.

That's an incredible idea. Thank you.

Like, massive bowls, hella cereal.

Or salad, or...

Thing is, I need a way to make money right now.

Yeah.

I just... I don't know.

Bro! Come on, man.

What would Kris Jenner do?

Look what she did for Kim.

Leaked the tape...

..made the bread.

And now the whole family buss.

Yeah, they are.

I need your help, bro.

You need my help?

You should have said.

Let's buss. Yeah. My brother.

We'll work on that. It's...

Three shops closed down this week, man.

The high street's decaying, bruv.

Yeah, but the thing is, mate,

you can't recreate what we do online.

That's the beauty of it. Yeah, true.

Wait. What?

Oh, look, the vultures have showed up.

Actually, we just came to say we're really sorry about...

..closing down and stuff.

Right. That's why you've got the trolley.

Ha, so... You get me? We was thinking, yeah...

What do you want?

Um, them PC units for a start?

Nice.

Also, I dunno if you know or have heard,

but I'm now manager, if you're looking for any work.

Oh. Sports Depot? Yeah.

Fuck, no.

No. I've lost my job, not my self-respect.

Sure, no worries.

What do you mean, "Sure, no worries," bro?!

Rate yourself, fam!

Oh, is... is that kangaroo going spare?

G'day, mate.

PHONE BUZZES

Er, no phones on the shop floor.

No, it's fine, I'm sexting.

How do you spell "basic missionary"?

Give it here.

Key to a good sext is to keep it a bit mysterious, bit cheeky.

Wait. What part of, "I'm wet as a fucking river," is mysterious?

Don't be a prude.

He's not going to talk to me again.

Ugh. Why would you want to talk to him?

Far as I'm concerned, a good man shows up, delivers the goods

and pisses off without a word.

I know, but I think I'd rather feel, like, a bit more romantic?

That's like a postbox.

- PHONE CHIMES - Ah.

You've got yourself wrong'un there.

Cherish it.

Great. Thanks, Jemma. Now he wants to see my tits.

That's good.

My tits always look sad.

Like they've had really bad news.

We should just go to Technation, man, they'll buy anything.

That's a good idea, actually,

I'm friends with Ian, the manager. Russell!

Russelly Bobs!

Hey. Um... word on the high street is that someone's had a promotion.

That's mad, cos I... I got a promotion today, didn't I?

Yeah, no, that's what I'm... saying. Yeah.

So we can afford to take me to London now.

Gonna tear up the bag floor at Selfridges.

No, but you... you dumped me this morning.

Is that what you took from what I said?

No, you... you just don't listen, do you?

Anyway, do you know my lovely flatmate, Sophie?

Yeah. It's her aunt's funeral tomorrow.

Oh, my God. It's a good thing.

Means I've got the place to myself. You should come over. All right.

And now I think it's time for us to take things to the next level...

..sexually? All right, listen, I'm out!

It's too much information.

Definitely.

WHISPERS: Don't forget the condoms. I never do.

I've always got them on me.

Don't bring this. No, I won't.

Hate donkeys.

Mulenga!

We're gonna have sex!

HE EXCLAIMS

Can't wait.

I've got a bit of a boner now. Mad.

A new leader has arisen!

"Team leader." A king is born.

Russell the manager. Congrats.

Thank you, sir.

Listen, if you ever need to chat, manager to manager,

come to me.

But can we still talk about normal stuff, or is it...

Yeah, but it'd be... manager to manager.

Manager to manager. Got you.

So, bossman, yeah?

I'm thinking we're saying grand apiece?

Sure. I mean, yeah, it is 1992.

I'll stick them next to the hi-fis!

I hate this prick, you know. Don't embarrass me, man.

This is, you know, Technation, you're meant to buy anything.

Look at this crap.

Yeah, but nothing this old.

There's a fag burn on that one.

The lads'll never let me live it down.

Are we talking manager to manager here, or what are we talking?

Yeah, I respect you as a manager.

Yeah, well, I respect you as a manager.

Manager brothers? Please stop this.

I've... been a manager for longer than you.

Technically, yeah, but really,

I've been on the high street longer than you.

Retail years. Ah, listen, let's go, man.

You men need to stop all this chitter-chatter.

All right. I'll see you online tonight. Yeah, definitely.

I'll be on at nine.

Ah, I can't wait to go on my lunch break so I can, you know,

tell my dad about being manager.

You know when you're manager, you can, like,

take breaks whenever you want?

Oh, yeah.

All right. Guys, I'm taking my lunch at 1.38pm.

Fucking unheard of.

Pockets! Oh, yeah. Sorry.

No more searches, remember?

See you in a bit. See you later, bro.

Hey, wait, what you man doin'? Run, Mulenga!

Not many people are lucky enough

to say they've got the shortest commute in Peterborough

and still get to live with their dad.

I do.

Oh. You all right? My son, the shop manager.

Can't believe it. Yeah.

Yeah? Mad, innit?

Bit of bubbly to celebrate. Ah.

Cheers. Cheers.

Hold on, they're my trainers.

I haven't even worn them yet.

Oh, yeah, sorry, son, I just, um...

..I just wanted to look me best for me job interview, you know?

OK. How did it go?

I didn't go.

All right, well, I need to ask you something anyway.

Yeah, I-I did not sell your PlayStation.

I...

I'm taking Clare out for a date tomorrow. Uh-huh?

And, uh...

..I want to make it special,

so I was thinking...

..maybe I could get her that Adidas Gazelle.

Russell, women don't give a shit about trainers.

- Just... - HE SIGHS

Wait there, yeah? Yeah.

Where is my PlayStation?

Here.

Take this.

It was your mum's.

Are you sure? Yeah, course I'm sure.

You can see the... chip where it hit the pebbledash.

No, I mean, are you sure I can have it?

No, I've no stock to it, she's probably not coming back.

Thanks.

I'm going to need you to take those trainers off, though.

Oh. Yeah.

Spoken like a true shop manager. Yeah. See you later.

And put them back in the box as well, don't... Yeah.

Aw, for f... They're...

..brand-new.

Look at this.

You can't be giving her a ring, Russell.

It's basically a proposal.

No, it's not a proposal.

Unless she wants me to propose, then I will.

But make sure you get a prenup.

Mm. Cos you know what Kanye West said? Mm.

"We want prenups, we want prenups, yeah."

Look, I'm not going to propose, but...

..she said, "man up," and that's what men do.

We buy gifts.

That is some old Boomer bullshit, Russell. Man up?

Yeah. No-one says to me I need to lady up, do they?

I mean, they probably should, though, cos you've been out here,

lipsin' randoms dressed as a alien and shit.

Put it in the till, OK? And think about it

for more than ten minutes. Yes. All right. All right!

Don't have to do all of life's milestones in one day.

Mogs has gone, so I can play a little bit of PlayStation.

Nice.

But you're on break, though, right?

Yeah.

So I'll see you on the...

..shop floor in a minute?

I'm trying to do selfies, but I'm not getting very sexy vibes in here.

You know there's a used nappy in the corner?

- JEMMA SIGHS - Just do the elbow trick.

Give us here, Right. Get your elbow out.

Mm. OK.

Bend it.

Doesn't really work with hairy arms.

Well. Send it anyway.

PHONE BUZZES

SHE GASPS

Batman's got a massive hard cock!

You're kidding. No!

Yay!

That's great, innit? Get in! 'Ave it!

Come on!

Why have I sent my son to buy three-for-two boxers

and he comes home with this?

Yeah. Mulenga?

Mulenga? Yo.

I don't think we can sell computers here,

unless they're Sports Depot computers.

Do you remember when Debbie got sacked last year for selling stuff?

Yeah, but that was handjobs in a changing room.

Yeah, I mean, sort of the same,

because they weren't Sports Depot handjobs.

Can't imagine anything worse than a Sports Depot handjob.

Like, how does that even work?

You just stimulate the base?

My refund. Can we... Yeah.

OK.

Hold on. Have you seen my ring?

What have you lost, dickhead?

My mother who abandoned me's ring.

If only there was a tried and tested method

to stop things getting stolen in the workplace.

Yeah, but no-one would steal here, because we're all like a family.

Give people an inch and they'll take a mile, Russell.

I'm sure you've had plenty of experience giving an inch.

Yeah, I've got loads of inches, don't I, Mulenga?

Don't involve me in that, bro.

And it's wide. How wide?

Like, I can't get my whole hand around it.

It's just as wide as it is long.

I'm sorry, is anyone in charge in here?

Amber?

I know you thought it was a bad idea for me to give Clare that ring. Mm.

You didn't take it, though, did you, so I wouldn't get back with her?

Oh, it's a bit of a delicate moment here, Russell.

A close shave, if you know what I mean?

Just in case things go well with Batman tonight.

Right, yeah. I actually shave Clare's legs sometimes,

when she lets me.

The trick is, er, go with the hair growth.

Not being funny, Russell, but can you fuck off?

Everything else all right? You need anything?

Just... if you've got any plasters, that would be great.

Just for all the blood and the fake tan everywhere.

HE SIGHS Why did I let my dad talk me out of

buying Clare those trainers?

They'd be so much easier to find than this fucking ring.

It's my mum's ring, but...

Sweet Russell... Oh.

Let me take all this stress away.

God, your breath, what have you eaten?

It's tuna.

Let me take control.

It's rightfully mine.

I'd get your ring back like...

Have you got nothing better to do than to come in here and wind me up?

No. I'm relentless.

I won't stop until I'm inside you.

Oh, that's...

..that's weird.

Bring the searches back, Russell.

We need order.

I just need the ring back.

I know where it is...

but... I need you to show me how much you want it.

How?

Do a little dance for me.

No, I'm not... Ah, you nearly did it!

You make me physically sick.

It's in Amber's bag.

You found what you're looking for, then?

What? No, I... thought this was my bag.

I thought you weren't going to treat us like thieves. No, I'm...

Ugh, I didn't think you'd turn into a prize dickhead this quick.

You said you were going to be a pushover, Russ.

No, I definitely didn't say that.

I'm going for a smoke. Yeah, that's a good idea.

Obviously not with you, Russell! Yeah.

Obviously not with me.

I thought I said don't let anyone in here?

People say a lot of things, Russell.

- What does that even mean? - PHONE RINGS

Hello, Sports Depot Peterborough, Russell speaking.

Russell? George Allen.

Hey, George. You on top of everything, there, yeah?

Uh... yeah?

Yeah, just got a bit of, um...

It's like a fat tongue thing going on.

I think it's stress. Welcome to management. Everything gets bigger.

Yeah. Should see the size of my arse.

Listen, I had some woman calling me up

telling me that you've been selling computers to her son.

Ah, no, that's just a big misunderstanding.

Right, good. Glad to hear,

cos we can't have another handjob situation on our hands.

Oh, definitely not.

Just stay on top of things there, yeah? Will do. OK.

And try not to get pregnant, yeah?

THEY LAUGH

- Or ill! - RUSSELL LAUGHS

No, I'm serious about that one. Oh.

Get ill and you're out.

Great chat. Laters!

Amber! Oh! I didn't know you worked here.

Oh, my God, it's my cousin.

What, you lot are related?

Yeah. Damn, man, bad genes.

Ha. Hey, listen, you got a phone charger back there?

I'm meant to be meeting this girl.

Phone's just died.

Who is it? Probably know her.

I got no idea. Oh.

I met her at this mad Halloween rave.

She's been sending me...

..weird nudes.

Yo...

..you weren't dressed up as Batman at this rave,

was you, little cousin?

Yeah. What, y... Were you there?

Hey, Batman,

meet Sexy Alien!

Wha... You'll save money in the wedding,

cos, you know, your side and his side...

Aw... ..are the same side.

That's hilarious.

Are you not gonna lips? I've got... HE RETCHES

I've got to go.

Hi. There you are.

All right?

I'm a cousin-fucker, Russell.

I'm a cousin-fucker.

At least he didn't stand you up. That's... good.

Check this out.

Oh, God. Look at this.

What is that?

Keep you going till you get to go to Oz in real life.

Kangaroo.

I hate it.

Thanks, though.

I can't stay in Peterborough now.

Could you, um, cover for me tomorrow so I can get my passport, please?

Tomorrow?

I'm seeing Clare tomorrow.

OK.

I'll cover for you tomorrow.

I'm sorry for going through your things. It's bang out of order.

We're like family.

Don't talk about family right now, please.

When Clare told me to man up,

I think she meant, like, be more manly...

Russell!

Russell!

..but I think maybe there's lots of other ways you can man up.

Take a look at this lot!

Like Mulenga making huge moves as an entrepreneur.

£500 for the lot!

Woohoo!

Well, at least they're out the storeroom.

Or covering for Amber.

I probably won't do that again, though,

cos it's absolutely shat on my chances of getting laid.

Sometimes manning up is trying not to be jealous,

cos Clare says that's a form of gaslighting.

I'm definitely not jealous.

Sometimes it's taking a tough lesson from a colleague,

because you know, deep down,

that they really respect you and want you to succeed.

I think I've found my true calling

and it's being a manager.

So, you've sorted out your shoplifting problem?

Oh. The lads?

We are talking about you, naughty bastard!

I don't want any of my staff getting physical.

Ah!

So just confront them...

What's gone wrong in your life that's brought you here?

..but not physically.

Ah, my nose! But stop them...

Could be the start of your retail career.

..as a family. Thought you said your brother was a dealer?

He doesn't let me smoke, cos obviously I'm only 14, so...

You're 14?!

We're fucked.

MUSIC: God's Plan by Drake