Original subtitles

Dear God,

watch over me as I embark on this next posting.

Think I'll have to get up at about 6:00 tomorrow.

The pain in my stomach persists

and is now further hampered by menstruation.

I've taken two ibuprofen and milk of magnesia.

Forgive me my impatience,

but I hope you will reveal your plan for me soon.

I can't shake the feeling that you must have saved me

for something greater than this.

Not that I'm complaining or anything.

Amen.

- Hi. Are you Maud? - Yes. Hi.

So, I left some notes out on the kitchen table

with all of her bits.

She has a mate coming over tomorrow,

but try and keep her off the sauce.

Doctor's just started her on a new course of B12 shots,

so she's having one of those every evening before dinner.

Mmm-hmm.

Your bedroom is just upstairs on the left.

Her majesty's in there having a nap.

How is she?

Bit of a cunt.

Have fun.

Amanda Kohl. Forty-nine years old.

Can you feel that?

Stage 4 lymphoma of the spinal cord.

Yep. Yeah. Yeah.

I dare say you'll be seeing this one soon.

You feel that? Uh-huh.

We done?

Mmm-hmm.

What time would you like dinner this evening?

8:00.

There is a shopping list on the hall table.

Mmm-hmm.

I got it.

I looked her up before I came here.

Dancer. Choreographer. Minor celebrity.

As you know, I have little time for creative types

as they tend to be rather self-involved.

What are you cooking up in there?

Spaghetti Bolognese and garlic bread.

Splendid.

Is that temperature all right?

Mmm, it's fine.

Oh, hello.

Who's your saint?

Mary Magdalene.

I didn't know they made necklaces of her.

I ordered it online.

You're prettier than the last one.

Hey.

What do you think? It's good.

You must be Mary. No, Maud.

Hope we're not turfing you out, are we?

No, no. I'm going to meet a friend...

Good, good.

Cheerio, then.

I should have told her

I'd have been happy just to stay in my room.

She must be embarrassed.

Can you spare some change, please?

Sorry, mate, I ain't got nothing.

Fuck off, then.

Excuse me, miss?

Can you spare some change, please?

Thank you, love.

Bit, er... Bit nippy out, innit?

May God bless you and never waste your pain.

What? Nothing.

God bless you, too, sweetheart.

Why would someone like her

end up in a town like this?

This dump can't appeal to her any more than it does to me.

Hello?

Oh, what's happened?

Come back to London!

You can't just lock yourself up in here.

You should be around people!

Why the fuck do you care so much all of a sudden?

Darling, don't be petulant.

You're getting dangerously Norma Desmond...

Oh, fuck you!

Stupid cow!

Hello. Hello.

Sorry to call you back early.

Silly old thing used to knock it back no problem.

Even I couldn't keep up with her.

Well, things are different now.

Yes. Yes, of course.

Do you, um, need me to do anything?

No.

She'll be all right?

Oh, don't be an idiot, Richard.

Sorry.

Take care of yourself, darling.

Pompous asshole.

You should've seen him way back when.

He was constantly trying to fuck me.

He has plugs now, though, did you see them?

No. No?

Well, no one sees what they don't want to.

Mmm.

Stay with me.

I don't wanna be alone.

How long have you been doing this?

Just over a year.

What were you doing before?

I worked at St. Afra's hospital.

Horrible place.

Have you seen a lot of death?

Yes.

What made you leave?

I don't know. I just needed a change.

I don't know...

I was spread too thin.

And it's what God wanted.

When He came, everything changed.

So, this is a recent conversion?

When you pray, do you get a response?

Sometimes He talks.

You hear His voice?

Most of the time, it's just

like He's physically in me or around me.

It's how He guides me.

Like when He's pleased, it's like a...

A shiver, or sometimes it's like a pulsing.

And it's all warm and good.

And He's just there.

Nothing feels real anymore.

Ever since I've moved back here,

I keep thinking about that last moment,

and wondering

what it will be like.

What will I be looking at?

Will there be anyone else there?

And then what?

Nothing?

Tell me I'm wrong.

There is more.

And not just afterwards.

He's everywhere.

He sees you.

He won't let you fall.

My little savior.

Father.

Thank you.

And bring your hand, to join your right hand.

And then draw a semi-circle above your head.

Now, don't get me wrong, palliative care is noble work.

But I always knew you had something more planned for me.

It takes nothing special to mop up after the decrepit

and the dying.

But to save a soul,

that's quite something.

Your presence graces the air

and I feel fuller of your love than ever before.

More than enough to share.

Oh.

I can see you.

Yes?

Cynthia left. Yes. I'm Maud.

Carol.

It's too late to be visiting now.

She's expecting me.

She's sleeping.

Maud!

Come and join me!

Dear God.

Here is Amanda.

Well, you know that.

Thank you for bringing us together, Lord,

and thank you for this meal which we gratefully receive.

Bless Amanda's body,

which is hurting now

but has done so many wonderful things.

And bless her mind

which is shrouded in darkness.

And reach out to her, like you did to me.

Amen.

He's here?

I feel it, too.

You look beautiful.

No.

Yes.

Hey.

No, I can't tonight.

You know where I am.

She's all right.

Bit weird, but...

Shh, I gotta go.

Yeah, okay. Bye. Bye.

Maud, your face!

Oh, shit!

Fuck. It's all over my dressing gown.

Shit.

Maud, I can do it.

Don't let her drink too much.

Don't worry. It's mostly for me.

Honey! Come back to me!

"Religious themes would play a prominent role

"throughout Blake's career.

"Namely a rejection of organized religion.

"Which he claimed was an ugly distortion

"of a true spiritual life."

Hmm.

Bye.

Carol. Hey.

I need to talk to you.

Yeah?

What's up?

I want you to stop seeing Amanda.

Huh? Just leave her alone.

Did she tell you to come after me?

No. I'm telling you.

It's an important time for her right now.

She's got big things to deal with

and she needs to be focused.

And I just don't think you can fit into that anymore.

I don't know what you're talking about,

but I'm pretty sure your patient's sex life

is none of your business.

I know she's giving you money.

Again, none of your fucking business.

Look, I'm trying to be respectful.

I didn't swear at you or anything, I just...

I just don't think it's a good idea...

Please. Respectful?

If you don't like that she fucks women,

that's your problem. Listen, Carol,

you could have an eight-inch cock for all I care

and I'd still be telling you this

after the way you looked at her last night.

Whoa! What?

What was that, by the way?

Do you think you're too good for her?

Do you think this is just a joke?

Of course not. Amanda is dying.

I have a responsibility to look after her.

This is life and death.

It's spiritual. On another level.

But no feelings. I'm sure you're great in bed,

but really,

you're just a waste of her time at the moment.

Can you hear yourself?

Maud, you're her nurse.

She doesn't want you to see it,

but she is vulnerable right now,

and it is not right that she spends

her last days getting worked up

about a silly girl who doesn't care about her.

I care about her. Not enough.

What are you doing?

I'm leaving.

Oh.

Okay, so you'll do it?

Anything you say, Maud.

Don't tell her I told you, though.

Just, you know, make something up.

Don't hurt her feelings.

Okay.

Okay.

I think it went well.

A whole day and her phone has been silent.

It must be a relief to her, too.

She radiates peace,

and I am reminded of myself

in the first flushes of your love.

We don't need anyone else.

Katie?

Katie?

Katie, hey. I thought that was you.

How's it going? It's been ages.

Yeah, good.

How are you, Joy?

Yeah, not bad. Not bad, you know.

Knackered. Got patients sleeping in the corridors,

surgeries all double-booked. It's a total madhouse.

So, how's it going? You taking care of yourself?

Yeah.

We all thought you must have left town or something.

Not seen you out and about anymore.

I've been around.

Oh, yeah? What you up to?

I'm a private carer.

You're still nursing?

What?

Nothing. I'm just surprised. I mean...

Sorry, where are you doing it? Who with?

A private agency.

And they know what happened? Yes.

Well, I've gotta go. It was nice to see you, Joy.

Katie!

Take my number, yeah?

What?

If you ever wanna talk or get a drink or anything.

That one there.

Yes, and then that one.

Oh. You... You can't do that.

What?

You... You slipped those cards in.

Did I?

It's no fun if you cheat. Which one was it?

Mmm, that one...

Can you give me a moment?

Oh. Yes. And take that away.

Ooh! Can I have a cup of tea?

Of course.

Hello.

I didn't expect to hear from you.

Wha... What do you mean?

Why?

There you go.

You know, I've been thinking

it might be nice to go out some time.

To the theater or something.

I'd have no clue what to see

but I'm sure you could suggest something.

Maybe after I... I want to go to bed.

It's 5:00.

I will go to bed when I damn well like.

Yes, of course.

Now's not the time.

I need you to go into town for me.

Yeah?

To pick up some things for tonight.

I'll make a list.

Okay, no problem.

Oh, yes!

I am out of here!

Is it ready?

I'm just lighting the candles.

Plates.

Get the lights!

Lights.

So, Carol, how did you and Mandy meet?

We met online.

Ah, so now you have a menage a trois?

Hardly.

Maud doesn't like Carol.

It's funny. I can't figure out

if she's a bigot or if she's just jealous.

You know, she went sneaking behind my back

to try to scare Carol away?

To save my soul, if I understand correctly.

Excuse me.

Don't run away. I'm talking to you.

Maud is my savior, you see.

She's been looking out for me in more ways than one,

but you got a little carried away, didn't you?

So, what is it?

Am I indecent?

No. You're lost.

There's my little saint!

Oh, no, no. Sweetheart, no, no,

you know you shouldn't take anything I say seriously.

I just wanna see you loosen up.

You're a beautiful young woman

and you should have some fun while you still can.

I've got more important things on my mind.

Oh, yes. Of course.

Well, how could mere human frivolity

possibly compete with the heavenly Father's

warm, hard, pulsing...

Let's go. Let's go.

Maybe if you just let me talk to her...

No. Absolutely not.

You should be thankful she isn't pressing charges.

Ms. Kohl expressed some other concerns.

Is everything all right?

I'm fine.

God,

all I feel of you now is this pain.

A gnawing, burning...

Maybe it's ulcers or cancer or appendicitis.

If you're trying to teach me something,

I can't see what it is.

Quite frankly, it all just seems such a waste.

I was ready and open and alive,

and this is my reward?

Unemployable. Unoccupied.

Perhaps you aren't as wise as I thought.

Perhaps I wasn't paying enough attention.

I can't help but feel an act of spite has occurred.

If this is how you treat your most loyal subjects,

I shudder to think what awaits those who shun you.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Not yet.

Oh, sorry. Oh.

See you later.

Hey, er, Joy, it's Katie.

Hey. Yeah, well, I...

I was just wondering if you wanna go for that drink.

You know, have that chat and just hang out.

I'd like to chat.

Cool. Great. That's great.

Well, you know, if I am honest with you,

I did think it was kinda weird

when I saw you and you suggested it,

just because you never seemed to like me that much.

Mmm... No, no, no.

No, I didn't... I didn't mean...

Don't be like that.

Well, I'm just at the Star

at the moment with, erm, some friends,

but I think they're, like, heading off soon.

But I'm going to hang around a bit.

Oh, sorry.

Yeah, of course.

Well, in that case, erm, my apologies.

I'm... I'm pretty stupid, so, bye.

Careful.

Sorry. Sorry.

Whoa.

You owe me a drink.

Okay. Oh, my God.

Don't move.

Whoa.

Is everything okay?

Shh. It's okay, it's okay.

Come on.

Easy.

No. Easy.

I remember you, you know.

You used to be out all the time.

While back.

I think...

You and my mate Tommy had it off.

Ah, I remember you.

That lovely, lovely little nursey, eh?

I did everything.

Everything. I changed, didn't I?

I thought I did what you told me to do, didn't I?

Please.

Please don't let me fall again.

I'm begging you.

I'll do anything.

Please guide me.

Revelation.

And just in time.

O Lord, your mercy knows no bounds.

For shame that I almost fell so easily.

I should have expected resistance.

Nothing worthwhile comes easily.

Amanda.

Amanda, Amanda.

You called to me, Amanda.

It was no small thing. It meant something.

Never waste your pain.

Never waste your pain.

Beautiful.

Mmm.

Do you mind if I sit?

Mmm, 'course not.

Oh. You don't work at St. Afra's, do you?

Oh, no, no. I'm a private carer.

Oh, right.

I just have a friend who works at St. Afra's,

and I wondered if you knew her.

Oh, their uniform's blue.

I honestly have so much respect

for anyone in the medical profession,

like, any area.

I really think it's the most important thing

you can do with your life.

Almost.

Thank you. That's so sweet.

Yeah, it can be really rewarding.

Not all that glamorous, but, yeah,

I love it.

I bet you get no time for yourself, though?

Oh, it's fine. I have my own life, my own things.

Got choir practice.

So, this person you're with at the moment,

what's wrong with them?

Oh...

I'm not really supposed to discuss the details.

But do you have a good relationship?

You get on with them? Mmm. Really well.

I'm with a lovely lady at the minute, actually.

We're good pals.

That's one of the things I love about the job.

You find yourself quickly building

these quite meaningful relationships.

You know, you're often right there

at a very important time in peoples' lives.

Although that sometimes makes things harder in the end.

When you have to leave?

Oh, no. When they die.

I don't think I'll be with this one much longer,

to be honest with you.

Sadly,

that, as they say is how the cookie crumbles.

Oh, erm, I'm Esther, by the way.

What's your name?

What if I'm getting it all wrong?

What if you are smirking, or indifferent,

or think me a clueless idiot like that stupid woman?

Is that how Amanda saw me all along?

How will I know what to do?

Katie?

Katie, it's Joy.

There you are!

Sorry, did I get you out of bed?

Mind if I come in?

I'm busy. I'll be quick, I promise.

I'm just on my way to work.

Thanks, love.

Oh.

This is nice.

Cor, you ain't half tidy, are you?

I hope you don't mind. I got your address from work.

Just wanted to see how you are.

Oh. This is cool.

I like all this.

Sorry I couldn't see you the other night, by the way.

I was so shattered,

I don't think I'd have been much fun,

to be honest with you.

I tried to call but you didn't pick up.

Want a ciggy?

How's work going?

You not with a patient at the moment?

I've been feeling really bad

about the way I reacted last time I saw you.

I'm sure you're doing a great job. You always did.

And I know you put a lot of pressure on yourself.

What happened before, it wasn't your fault,

I know that.

You do, too, right?

What's going on, Katie?

Come on, you can tell me.

Look, I know it's a bit late now,

but I wanted to tell you...

I wanted to say that we should have been there

before it all happened.

We could see you were struggling for a while

and no one did anything.

I know it feels like everyone's

in their own little bubble.

But it does help to share.

May the Lord bless and keep you, Joy.

You what?

It was sweet of you to come, but you mustn't worry.

You're right. Back then, I was so lost.

But now I am transformed. And soon, everyone will see.

Right. Well, that's good.

Thank you, Joy.

Thank you for coming.

Oh! Oh, right.

Are you sure you're okay, then?

Oh, fuck. I should go actually.

I'm gonna come back later. All right?

All right.

I'm really glad things are looking up.

See you later.

I'm so sorry I was unkind to you.

You made me think of things I didn't want to.

It's all right.

It is, Amanda.

The Lord forgives that which is said in anger.

He knows your heart.

The Lord?

Yes. God.

God sent me to you.

He forgives everything.

You only have to ask.

Heavenly Father,

bless this woman in her pain. No!

No. None of that nonsense.

Amanda?

You must be the loneliest girl I've ever seen.

I'm here, Amanda.

I am not alone.

And neither are you.

No.

Snap out of it, honey.

He isn't real.

You must know that.

No. You felt Him, too, remember?

We both did.

No, honey.

I didn't.

That's not true.

You have no idea how dull it is to be dying.

I hate to be the one to break it to you,

but it's just you and me here.

Nothing you do matters.

Well, that was easy.

Devil!

Take some responsibility

for your actions.

You came back here because you are alone.

If you were a true believer, He would be enough.

But it's clear now. You are as weak as your faith.

Somebody stop her! Hey, love!

Someone please help her. Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! No, no, no. Don't!