All language subtitles for Return.to.Lockerbie.with.Lorraine.Kelly.2023.1080p.WEB.h264-POPPYCOCK

REPORTER:
'We have an unconfirmed report

'that a Boeing 747 airliner

'which left Heathrow
at six o'clock tonight

'has crashed in the Lockerbie area
of Dumfriesshire,

'but I must stress
this is an unconfirmed report.'

'My name is Lorraine Kelly.

'Thirty-five years ago,

'I was one of the first reporters
to arrive here on the scene

'of the worst terrorist atrocity
in European history...

'..the bombing of Pan Am 103,

'above the small Scottish town
of Lockerbie.

'For years, the focus

'has been on hunting down
those who planted the bomb

'and bringing them to justice.

'But this is not that story.

'This is about
the people of Lockerbie

'and what happened
after the cameras left.'

You always remember what you've seen
that night. You know, it's just...

..something horrific.

It's difficult to tell people,
you know.

LORRAINE, 1988:
'It was soon clear rescue workers

'would find no survivors
among the passengers

'of the doomed aircraft.
All 259 perished.'

Every square foot had bodies
just lying side by side each other,

and even the most experienced guys
were struggling with this.

'That night
changed thousands of lives

'on both sides of the Atlantic.'

All we saw were flames,

and that's what I thought
of Lockerbie.

I never wish to come here, ever.
Never wish to come here.

WOMAN SCREAMING

The most painful moment
of my mother and father's life

was shown all over the world.

The agony is not over yet,
and it's going to take a long time

for them to recover
from the things that they've seen.

You have to remember the trauma

that the people that lived here
went through,

because it didn't just go away.

'Three-and-a-half decades on,

'I want to know
how those caught up in the disaster

'have begun to find peace.'

We've been strong enough
to hang in all these years.

This is the pay off -
to have this connection.

'And I need to confront my own
difficult memories of that time.'

All these years, I've told myself,
"You don't have PTSD."

That's my brain dealing
with something so horrendous

that I've been pushing it away
for 35 years.

'So, I'm finally
returning to Lockerbie.

'For the last 35 years,
I've worked as a presenter

'on breakfast television...'

Three, two, one.

SUSANNA REID: Now, Lorraine is here
at nine. Morning.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

'I started working in TV
in my early 20s,

'and by December 1988, I was
Scotland Correspondent for TV-am.'

Our Glasgow-based reporter
Lorraine Kelly

was one of the first
to reach the crash site.

This is her report.

LORRAINE ON VIDEO: What was once
a quiet Border town

is now a scene
of utter devastation.

This morning,
police continue their search

to try to ascertain what caused
this horrific disaster.

Lorraine Kelly, TV-am News,
Lockerbie.

'It was the reports I did
from Lockerbie

'that first got me
promoted to the studio.'

Our editor looked up, he just said,

"Ah! Should get her down here.
There's something there."

There's now no doubt
that the Pan Am jumbo which crashed

on the Scottish town of Lockerbie
a week ago, killing 270 people,

was blown out of the sky.

It's actually quite difficult
sometimes to equate the fact

that I got my big break
from something so awful.

There's a bit of guilt there,
I think. Definitely.

'Whenever I drive over
the Scottish border

'on my way home to Glasgow,
I pass Lockerbie.

'But since the disaster,

'I've never felt able
to revisit the town itself.

'Though I've always had a sense
I've got unfinished business there,

'so now I'm going back.'

I really want to talk to people,
find out the actual human story

and how it affected
the people of Lockerbie.

Because you do wonder what
the long-term effect is on them.

I don't honestly know
what to expect.

'At 7.03pm
on the 21st December, 1988,

'Pan Am 103 exploded in mid-air
over Lockerbie.'

I remember that night,
getting a phone call,

and we were told that
a light aircraft had come down.

We could scramble,
like, in ten minutes.

As long as it took us to put
our coats on and get out the door,

there we were.

So that's why we got there so early
and before everyone else.

'As we approached the town
that night,

'we had to dodge the debris
that had fallen for miles around.'

You know, the sky was raining hell.

There was chunks of still hot metal
lying on the road.

I remember we had a puncture,
we had to stop and change it.

'On the outskirts of Lockerbie,

'we got our first real sight
of the disaster -

'the nose cone of a jumbo jet.'

I was very young, you know,
relatively inexperienced, really.

And this was on a scale that...

even the most hardened
foreign correspondent

would have found difficult
to process, I think.

'Police Sergeant Drew Young
and his team

'were asked to guard the nose cone

'which had fallen in a field
next to Tundergarth Church.'

Hi, Drew. Lovely to meet you.

Nice to meet you.
And you.

'My memories of what I saw here
are quite confused,

'and I want Drew
to fill in some gaps.'

You know, it wasn't cordoned off
or anything at that point.

So we must have got there
incredibly early.

Where exactly was it in the field?

Just about another...

50 or 60 yards up.

It's funny, I always remember
we walked for miles through fields

to get here,
but the road's just there,

so... so we didn't.

So, is it about here?
I'd say about here.

What do you remember
about the actual night?

I was the duty officer.
I was on call.

I heard the jets, and I thought,
"Oh. RAF's flying low tonight."

And the jets were screaming.

What did you see?

What you see in the films,
the big balloon of fire. Yeah.

Lit up the whole place,
and blew me across the road.

CHUCKLES

And what did you think it was,
though? Because this is...

At that point, I still thought
it was a fighter.

Right. It wasn't till I came up here
and saw the cockpit.

I think that's when
it all dawned on us...

That's when the penny dropped.
Same with us.

Cos we weren't sure, either.

I do obviously remember
getting so close to it

I could still feel it was warm.

There wasn't anybody else around.

Certainly not anybody living.

But I don't remember...

..any bodies at all. I just don't.

There was 17 in the cockpit section.

There were two or three bodies
round the bottom of the cockpit.

There was a man,
and the top of his head was missing.

Another man, folded in half.

Just lying there,
his head between his ankles.

Oh, my God.

Badness, that's all it was.

Drew, I'm s... I can't imagine

what it's like having those images
in your head.

I'm just glad that somehow
I have shut all of that out.

I feel that an awful lot of people

don't appreciate
the scale of what happened

and the effect it had
on the people here.

I mean, how do people feel
about what happened,

people that lived through it
like you?

People that experienced
the absolute horror of it?

A lot of folk wouldn't talk
about it. They dealt with it.

It's like a shutter coming down.
You've got to get on with it.

And do you think that
that still exists in someway today?

That people just don't want
to talk about it at all?

It's still there.
The town shut down that night.

The town shut down.

God, it's almost too much
to take in, isn't it? It really is.

All those people.
A lot of people. 270, so...

You know,
when Drew was describing there

the condition of some of the bodies,

it's strange, because the bodies
were so close to the cockpit,

I must have seen terrible things,
but I've just blanked it out.

I really have.

And in a way,
I think maybe that's for the best.

Because I came, and I did my job,

and then I was able to leave
and got on with my life.

But I was able to do that.

People here had to stay
and deal with the aftermath

and deal with all of these things
that were happening

and being the centre of attention.

And then the world moves on.

But you're left. You're left.

You have to somehow come to terms
with it, somehow get over it,

and somehow deal with it.

And how do you?

'In the hours after the disaster,

'Lockerbie's town hall was converted
into a temporary morgue,

'to house the bodies
which had fallen from Pan Am 103.

'18-year-old Colin Dorrance

'was the youngest policeman on duty
that night.'

Hey. Hi, Colin.
Hi, Lorraine.

'Colin was there when a local farmer
brought in the youngest victim

'of the disaster,
20-month-old Bryony Owen.'

I was asked to stand guard
at one of the side doors,

and it was at that point
that Bryony was brought to us.

And we hadn't really picked up
straight away

that this was one of the passengers
from the plane.

She looked like she was asleep.

A little bit of mud on her face
maybe,

and vivid blonde hair
is what I remember,

and wrapped in a,
I think it was a duffel coat.

And we then walked into
the main hall,

and the place just fell quiet.

'Bryony
and her 29-year-old mother, Yvonne,

'were travelling to meet family
in Boston for Christmas.'

Was she the first?

She was the very first,
and it made it so stark.

The room was empty, and we had
such a small child with us.

Kind of didn't know what to do,
really. But laid her down.

It was one of those moments
that just I will never forget.

God, that's horrendous.

'Over the course
of the next few days,

'more than 200 bodies were retrieved
from the surrounding area

'and brought to the town hall
to join Bryony's.'

It was a shocking... difficult...

Almost like a scene
from a horror movie.

So this was just covered in...

Yeah.
..dead bodies.

Every square foot had bodies
just lying side by side each other.

And in time, they were all then
given a coffin each to be laid in.

And even the most experienced guys
who had seen it all by then

were struggling with this.

Innocent children being involved
was just very, very hard to take.

God. How do you cope with that?

Did you get any sort of help at all?

There was nothing formal
put in place.

You would maybe, at break time,
you know, let off some steam

and talk a little bit,
but you just learned to live with it

and sort of,
I'd call it putting it in a box.

But you just can't help but remember
at some point that box is there.

Was there any time when you
felt like just breaking down?

There are times
I have been emotional,

feeling a little bit,
you know, lost with it all.

You know, and as if you were
on your own with it, too.

You get the political commentators
talking about this subject

as if it was a political football.

And you get angry. You think,
"Who are they to talk about this?"

Do you wish counselling was
something that had been on offer?

Knowing what I know now, yes,
I'd have taken that, I think.

Mm. I think I would, too.

And I wondered whether in the years
that followed,

whether I wouldn't have benefited
from just sitting down

and having that time.

'Psychological support,
even for those like Colin

'who'd been involved
in major disasters,

'was not common back in the 1980s.'

It was very much
the whole stiff upper lip cliche.

That's exactly what we were like,
you know, in that era.

That's what everybody was like.

You know, if I had broken down,

that would have been
so unacceptable,

almost like a show of weakness.

Back then,
you didn't show emotion like that.

You just buried it. Buried it.

'One of the most traumatic aspects
of the Lockerbie disaster

'was that it brought absolute horror

'into the lives and homes
of ordinary people.

'This is where Park Place
meets Rosebank Crescent.

'A huge piece of the fuselage
of Pan Am 103 crashed here,

'narrowly avoiding
most of the houses

'but scattering the bodies
of more than 60 passengers

'onto the roofs and back gardens
of local residents.

'I don't remember all the upsetting
things I saw during the disaster,

'but my memories of this
shocking scene are all too clear.

'At the moment of impact,

'Peter Giesecke,
a 36-year-old mechanic,

'was at home, watching TV.

'He lives in the same house today.'

DOORBELL RINGS

'In his back garden,

'Peter was confronted by something
that, three-and-a-half decades on,

'he still finds difficult
to talk about.'

At the time,
we had a hedge up there. Uh-huh.

Right up there.

And, er, this young girl
was over the fence,

over the hedge.

And she'd one shoe on.

This here is actually the hedge,
right up here.

Right.

'The young woman whose body
had fallen into Peter's garden

'was 21-year-old American
Lindsey Otenasek,

'one of 35 Syracuse University
students who died on their way home

'after three months
studying in London.'

That's where I put a wreath.

Right.

Every... Every year,
I put wreaths on there.

Just to remember her? Yeah.

Aw.

But, er...

..it's very, very hard, you know?

No, it is. I know.

Very hard.
I know.

To see something like that
in your house, in your home...

And that's how...

Just you take a minute.

That's...

It just makes me sad, like,
you know,

to see them young people,
21 year old.

It's difficult to tell people,
you know?

What you've seen that night,
it always...

You always remember
what you've seen that night.

You know, it's just...

..something horrific, you know?

It is 35 years on.

It clearly, obviously,
still affects you greatly.

Do you tend to talk about it
with other people in Lockerbie?

A lot of people say,

"Oh, leave it alone,
leave it alone," like, you know.

And a lot of them just got on
with their daily life, you know?

Just want to put it behind them?

Sort of put it behind them,
you know. Aye.

When did you find out more
about the girl that was here,

the body that you found?

It was two months later.

I got a knock at the door,

and this lady and gentleman
came to the door.

They...

They says, "I believe you found
my daughter in your garden."

'Lindsey Otenasek's mother
and father, Peggy and Richard,

'had travelled to Peter's house
from their home in Baltimore

'to see where their daughter's body
had been found.'

Of course, she broke down in tears.
Of course she did.

And there were a shiny pebble
on the ground here,

so I picked it up, cleaned it,
and gave it to her.

Aw. That was a pebble from where
you'd found her? Behind there.

Yeah.

And did you give that to her mum?
Yes.

And that's how we became friendly.

'Since their visit to Lockerbie,

'Peter has formed a close bond
with the Otenasek family

'and recently travelled
to Baltimore with his wife, Susan,

'to see them.

'He regularly speaks to Rick,
Lindsey's older brother.'

Rick, hi. It's Lorraine here. Hello.
How are you, Rick?

You all right?
Great to see you all.

And you. And you.

I've been with Peter,
and he's been telling me

all about the connection with your
sister and your mum, of course,

and how much you all mean
to each other.

How important was it
to your mum and dad to come here

and to meet Peter?

Oh, incredibly important.

The connection now
with Peter and Susan,

we have family in Lockerbie.

When they came last year,
last summer,

we had this beautiful mass.

And I remember speaking on behalf
of the family, saying...

..to Peter...

.."Whatever you've carried with you
all these years,

"leave at this altar."

I know.
So...

you left some things
at that altar, Peter...

..and my family and I did.

And like I said,
this is the pay-off. Yeah.

To have this connection.
Yeah.

Right?

So...
I know.

And how important that is.

And how much...
But you've helped, Peter.

Huh?
You've really helped.

You have.

I've got to do it.

No, I know, Peter,

but you've been strong enough
to hang in all these years.

I'm very much in touch
with my own pain, of my loss,

but to hear Peter's story,

to realise that's what they had
to wake up to every day...

They were living in the carnage.

And what it must have been like
for you all.

They were very stoic in Lockerbie.
Aye.

Yes.

And I think maybe people
didn't quite appreciate the trauma,

I know the agony,
that they went through.

I mean, this is before, I think,
we really identified

what unresolved trauma
in your life can do to you.

If you're not careful,
it does consume you.

I think what struck me most
about talking to Peter

was how it still affects him
so much.

He's such a good soul,
and he's so kind,

and obviously, 35 years on,

it still is very close to him.

And I think Peter's carrying
a huge burden with him.

'Like all of the people
I've spoken to here,

'Peter didn't get any help
for the horrific things he saw.

'And I want to know what kind of
support was available in the town.

'Marjory McQueen is a well-known
figure in Lockerbie

'and a former Lord Mayor here.'

Oh, it's lovely to meet you,
Marjory. And you, Lorraine.

Thank you for asking us here.

'In December 1988,

'Marjory's late husband, Kenneth,
was the senior GP in the town

'and dealt with the psychological
impact on the community.'

What was his experience

of how people
were dealing with this mentally,

how it was affecting them?

Quite a lot of people he felt

who should have been asking for help
didn't.

I know that there are people

who were psychologically
very much distressed by it.

Quite a lot of people found
that alcohol was helping a bit,

and there seemed to be quite a lot
of that about. Yeah.

An awful lot of the children
started bedwetting.

But there were psychiatrists and
psychologists assigned to the town.

There is a sense, though, of people
maybe saying to the world,

"Leave us alone,
let us get on with things." Yeah.

"Just let us do this
in our own time."

Yes, yes.

I think Lockerbie, as a community,
was quite tight at that time.

I think they felt that
it just wasn't the done thing.

You know? You don't ask for help
for a mental condition.

And I think that caused
an awful lot of people

to suffer for a lot longer maybe
than they might have.

Yes.
I think that's possibly very true.

There are people today
who still think about it, and I do.

If I hear a noise -

usually aircraft noise
that I'm not sure about -

I will go out in the back garden
and have a look.

Thirty-five years on, I still do it.
I still do it.

Because the unthinkable happened.
Yeah.

It will take people here a long time
to fully recover from this tragedy.

Now they need to be left in peace

to slowly begin to rebuild
their shattered lives.

'But Lockerbie wasn't left in peace.

'The press intrusion
went on for years

'and was not welcomed by residents,

'who were struggling
to get back to normal.

'With the anniversary
of the disaster

'falling on 21st of December,

'the town didn't put up its
Christmas lights for over a decade.

'And to this day,

'there is still no annual
commemoration of the tragedy here.'

'When Pan Am 103
exploded over Lockerbie,

'its wing section and fuel tanks
crashed into the ground

'here in Sherwood Crescent,
where there is now a memorial park.

'Over 100 tonnes of aviation fuel
ignited on impact,

'destroying more than 20 homes.'

LORRAINE, 1988: 'Wreckage ploughed
through whole blocks of houses.

'At least seven
were completely flattened,

'many others severely damaged.'

'11 Lockerbie residents
died instantly,

'including three children.'

They were probably sitting watching
the telly, having a cup of tea,

the kids were probably
doing their homework maybe,

getting ready to go bed,

and then death came out the sky.

We were able to get really close
to this crater,

and it's so strange
because I don't remember

there being any members
of the emergency service here,

I don't remember there being
any fire brigade or police or army.

But there must have been,
and I'm wondering

whether the reality is mixed up
with the nightmares that I have.

Am I remembering my nightmares,

or am I remembering
what actually happened?

What I do remember vividly,

that smell,
that aviation fuel smell,

that even to this day,
when I smell that,

it takes me back right here.

'I know that many people in the town
want to stop dwelling on the past.

'But for others, talking
about the disaster has been crucial

'in helping them come to terms
with what happened that night.'

Hello.
Hi. Come on in.

Thank you. Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

'Gillian Moffat was nine years old
in December 1988.

'She and her family
moved from Sherwood Crescent

'only weeks before Pan Am 103
gouged a huge crater in the street,

'killing several of her neighbours.

'Her old family house
was badly damaged.'

So, what do you remember
at nine years old?

It was just
the most surreal experience.

I remember Mum taking us through
to have a look.

We just went to the barrier,

and I remember the roof
was just about off.

The way the house was,
we had our bedroom up the stairs,

and we would've been in there.

We would've been in that house.

And I remember
just being absolutely devastated.

'While no-one in Gillian's family
died that night,

'her husband Andrew's aunt and uncle
lived in Sherwood Crescent,

'and neither of them survived.'

How's your husband with it all?
Does he talk about it?

Er, no.
Does he not?

No.
Has he just drawn a line?

Yes.
That's it?

Yeah, he doesn't talk about it.
He doesn't.

But he doesn't talk about
how he feels?

Oh, no, no, no,
and there will be lots of people

who don't ever
want to talk about it again,

and that's absolutely fine.

But you have to remember the trauma

that the people that lived here
went through for years and years

cos it didn't just go away.

How did all the trauma
that you'd kept inside...

How did that
sort of manifest itself?

I think it's always been something
that has triggered it.

I remember going back to school.

The helicopter went over.

I just... cried. I just couldn't...
I got taken out of the class.

Years later, same thing happened.

It was fighter jets went over
on some sort of night exercise,

and I was on the floor.

I was completely
in the foetal position.

And, oh, God,
I could have been back there.

Gillian, do you ever have, or
did you have, nightmares? Oh, yeah.

Because I've certainly
had nightmares about it.

Mm-hm.
Can you remember any of them?

Everything's got planes in it.

If there's something
going to happen in my mind,

it's got an aeroplane in it, yeah.

'After struggling for many years

'with the long-term effects
of the Lockerbie disaster,

'in 2018, Gillian had a breakdown,

'and had to take time off her job
as a midwife.'

Were you diagnosed with something?

What did they say?
Yeah, they said it was PTSD.

Right.
I couldn't work,

erm, and I really was
in a really dark place.

When you got a diagnosis of PTSD,
how did that make you feel?

Did you feel a sense of relief that
at least somebody had told you this?

I suppose in a way, yes.

But there's almost a bit of,

"Well, there's probably
lots of people have it."

CHUCKLES
Yeah.

So why am I special?
Because I'm not, I'm not.

Do you think it's self-indulgent?
Do you feel that?

I think it's a conditioned response

to the culture of not talking
about it for so long.

Let's face it, at any time
when you have a loss or a trauma,

the one thing you need to do
is talk about it.

And that is a healing process,
isn't it?

That's how we get through things.

I'm so glad you got the help...
Yeah.

..that you needed.
Yeah.

I just wish you'd got it long ago.
Yeah, uh-huh. Exactly.

What Gillian said
really resonated with me,

that everybody is allowed

to have some sort of trauma
from this.

It's OK.
It's not a sign of weakness to say,

"Actually, I was really badly
affected by that,

"and I still am today".

It sort of gets me thinking about

I have never really thought
about what it's done to me,

and the long-term effects
to me as well.

But I was only there reporting
on it. I wasn't living it.

I was able to go in
and then go back to my life.

So I don't feel as if I have
the right to feel traumatised.

Yep, that's it. That's... That's it.
MAN: Right.

Because I'm awful,
awful concerned about that.

I don't want people
to think that I'm...

MAN: No, I know.
..you know, that I'm special.

Do you know what I mean?
It's exactly the same as Gillian.

MAN LAUGHS
See, when she was saying that,

it was like, "Oh, my God,
that's exactly how I feel!"

Ah, Jeez.
There are a lot of parallels.

'Gillian was diagnosed
with post-traumatic stress disorder,

'and I'm now wondering
how many others in the town

'were affected by this condition.'

Well, this is an article

about the Mental Health Consequences
of the Lockerbie Disaster.

This was done
after talking to people involved.

Erm... Ah, fascinating.

Let's see what they've come up with.

So, they're talking about people
in Lockerbie,

and they're saying, in all,

73% had, or had had, PTSD.

That's huge.
73% of the people they talked to.

On each scale,

those exposed to dismembered bodies
had the highest scores.

And that's really
just about everyone I've spoken to.

You know, Peter and Drew and Colin
and me too.

Initially, I don't remember
seeing anything like that,

and I must have.

'I've left Scotland
and come to Wiltshire

'to meet one of the psychiatrists
who worked in Lockerbie

'with members of the emergency
services and local residents.

'Professor Gordon Turnbull
is now an expert on PTSD,

'and what he learned
in the wake of the disaster

'has helped to transform
our understanding of the condition.'

Here we are. Hello.
Hello.

Very nice to see you.
Nice to see you.

'Gordon is currently recovering
from COVID,

'which has affected his voice,

'but has kindly agreed
to talk to me.'

PTSD is a term
that's bandied around quite a lot,

and a lot of people don't really
understand what exactly it is.

HOARSELY: PTSD is a normal reaction

to shocking,
life-threatening events.

Before Lockerbie,

there was a widespread
misunderstanding about PTSD,

that it was something
that some people shouldn't develop

and that they weren't entitled to.

And then Lockerbie happened.

A lot of people
actually then began to realise

it's the mind's way
of coming to terms with things

which are too terrible
for it to comprehend.

Flashbacks and nightmares

give you another opportunity
to process your traumatic memories.

So, PTSD is actually
like a defence mechanism in a way?

Well, I couldn't put it better.

It's actually abnormal
not to have it,

and Lockerbie has given us
an opportunity

to be able to see it for what it is,

treat it when we need to
and not ignore it.

But an awful lot of people
living in Lockerbie

didn't really get as much help
as they should.

I know you talked to some of them,
didn't you?

I talked to about 100.

What sort of symptoms
were they showing initially?

The classic ones.
Flashbacks, nightmares, avoidance.

The thing that I found was I was
getting flashbacks and nightmares

where I was almost above...

..that horrible scene.

And going back,

I've found I've been thinking
about it a lot more,

there have been a lot more dreams,
or nightmares, I should say.

Flashbacks and nightmares,

they are the cornerstones of PTSD.

They don't happen
in any other condition.

I honestly didn't know that.

So, you think I had PTSD
or have had it, or still have it?

If you've got flashbacks,
you've got PTSD.

But I don't feel as though

I'm allowed
to have something like PTSD,

because I was just a reporter
there.

By saying that you're not entitled,

you're trying to separate yourself
from an event,

you're avoiding belonging to it.

It's a defence mechanism.

You have to stop avoiding Lockerbie
in order to be able to heal.

All these years, I've told myself,
"You don't have PTSD.

"You're not entitled to have that.
You shouldn't...

"You're not allowed to have that."
Actually, that's the norm.

That's my brain dealing
with something so horrendous

that I've been pushing it away
for 35 years.

'Although revisiting Lockerbie

'has unlocked a lot
of difficult memories for me,

'I still feel I need to go back
to discover how,

'in more recent years,

'the town itself
has started to heal.'

I hadn't been back to Lockerbie
for 35 years

and now I'm returning there
in a matter of weeks

and I feel almost a compulsion
to go back.

I just want to find out
how that community managed

to sort of get back to normal
after something so horrendous.

ANNOUNCER: 'We are now approaching
Lockerbie. When leaving us here...'

'Colin Dorrance,
the retired policeman

'I talked to on my first visit,

'locked away his memories
of the disaster for years

'and I want to know how,
and why, that changed.'

I know you didn't want to talk
about the disaster for a long time,

like many of us,
I mean, myself included.

But what made you want
to engage with that again?

You just put it away
and you get on with life.

And that was the case for 24 years.

But it took my daughter to announce

that she wanted to go
to Syracuse University

that drew me out of my shell.

She goes off to the US

and she starts to meet
many of the families

of the students who were killed.

And gradually, one by one, the
families started to get in touch.

They would reach out and some would
then want to come and visit.

'Over the last ten years,
Colin has welcomed over 250 people

'affected by the disaster
to Lockerbie,

'many of them
still struggling with their loss.'

It goes on to this day,
there's still people coming

and they're reliving
that time in their life again.

So they're deciding, "I either leave
this in the psychological loft

"or I deal with it
and engage with it".

Doing what you do and helping,
does it help you? Very much.

I didn't realise
how much under the surface,

I simmered away with this subject.

I think in the last ten years,
being able to talk

and just slowly release
some of that anger has just helped.

'Five years ago,
encouraged by these new connections,

'Colin, and several others
who'd lived through the disaster,

'set out on a charity cycle ride
from Lockerbie

'via New York
to Syracuse University.

'During their 600-mile journey

'many of the families who had lost
loved ones on Pan Am 103

'came to cheer them on,
including Peggy Otenasek,

'mother of Syracuse student Lindsey
and her brother, Rick.'

What you all are doing,
just an incredible gesture.

'Another Syracuse student
who died that night

'was 21-year-old Nicole Boulanger.

'Nicole's sister, Renee,
and best friend, Kim,

'have travelled to Lockerbie
from the US,

'and Colin has been showing them
around.

'I've arranged to meet them
at the town hall,

'where all of those who died
are remembered.'

Hello.
Hi. Lovely to see you.

It's a pleasure to meet you.
Really good to meet you.

In a very special room as well,
isn't it?

Cos we've got this beautiful window.

It really brings it home, doesn't
it, all the different nationalities?

Yes.
Yes.

I wanted really first of all
to talk to you

about your sister
and what she was like.

That's my sister and I,
December of 1969, Christmas.

You're adorable. That's gorgeous.

You see,
we were only 53 weeks apart.

I was gonna say, you're like twins.
Yeah. You really are.

And we celebrated our birthday, you
know, every year on the same day,

because we're only a week apart
in October.

That's her black and white.

My sister
was very, very shy growing up,

and then she auditioned
for something

the freshman year of high school,
and she got the lead.

And when we went and saw her
perform, we were like,

"Wait a minute, that's Nicole?"

You know,
and we couldn't believe it.

Every time at Syracuse,
she was going to perform.

I literally could not wait to see
what she was going to do.

She was incredible.

# I have never felt like this

# For once, I'm lost for words

# Your smile has really
Thrown me... #

'Nicole boarded Pan Am 103
at Heathrow

'on the evening of 21st December,
1988.

'Her parents,
Jeannine and Ron Boulanger,

'had arranged to pick her up
from JFK in New York.

'Renee was in their home town
near Boston

'when she learned of the disaster.'

My mother called my boyfriend
and said, "Get her home."

Reporters were in front of my house

asking if I was waiting
for Nicole Boulanger.

I turned on the television
and that's when I saw my mother

on the floor of the airport
screaming, "Not my baby!"

And my dad
was trying to pick her up.

'Jeannine Boulanger's reaction
to the news of her daughter's death

'became one of the most harrowing
moments of the Lockerbie disaster.'

SCREAMING

My baby!

That image and your mum when that
happened, I'll never forget that.

I don't think anybody
who saw that will ever forget it.

It was like utter, raw grief.

The most painful moment of my mother
and father's life was, you know,

captured
and shown all over the world.

It was, and it brought it
home to everyone, I think. Yeah.

I ran from the pain
for quite a while,

and I numbed myself from the pain,
you know, through alcohol,

because the pain
just was so incredibly hard.

I've been through a rough journey
through this.

I know.

You know, and I know
I'm not the only one, you know.

Mm.

And I have not spoken
to media ever before,

I've never done it ever,
but I feel I have to now.

I feel like
it's time to let people know.

Why is it so important, though,
for you to talk now, 35 years on?

Back in the '80s, you didn't
talk about that stuff, nobody did.

And if you did, you know,
you were kinda shunned. Yes.

And a lot of us
suffer from post-traumatic stress.

You know, I wasn't really diagnosed
until almost my 40s.

'Like Renee,
Kim Wickham was diagnosed with PTSD

'in the years
after the Lockerbie disaster.

'She was due to fly home with Nicole
on Pan AM 103,

'but at the last minute,
changed her plans.'

I visited Nicole that morning.

And...

I'll never forget it,

I... I gave her a Christmas present,

so she could listen on the plane,

a cassette tape
with musical theatre songs.

And I was in Germany
when I found out,

my grandmother called on the phone

and I said, "Yeah, what's going on?
Why are you calling so late?"

And she said, "Your plane crashed."

And I, you know, right away, I was
like, "What are you talking about?

"What are you talking about?"

And I knew Nicole was on the plane.

You know, we turn the TV on,
and all we saw were flames.

And that's
what I thought of Lockerbie,

just flames and terror,
and horror.

And I never wished to come here,
ever, never wished to come here.

'Five years ago, Kim and Renee
decided to travel to Lockerbie

'for the first time.'

Why did you think,
"Oh, I need to go back there?"

I was struggling a lot.

I kinda wished I was dead
because I thought I deserved to be.

"Why was it Nicole out of anybody?

"Why wasn't it me?"

I felt so guilty, you know. And it's
not surprising you feel that way,

it's called survivor's guilt,
isn't it?

Yes. It was overwhelming
for a very long time.

I think I was just desperate to,

you know, to finally heal

and I thought,
"Well, maybe it is time that I go."

So, you know, you don't really
understand the connection

until you actually
physically come here.

And did you feel the same?
I did.

When I came here, I felt comfortable
talking about it,

because they knew
exactly what I was going through.

You know, it was like
this big weight was lifted.

Do you feel she's in
a sort of peaceful place?

Absolutely. 100%.
Yeah.

'Kim, Renee and Colin
have invited me

'to come with them to Lockerbie's
Garden of Remembrance.

'All 270 victims of the disaster
are honoured here.

'But Nicole Boulanger
and the 16 others

'whose bodies were never recovered
have a special headstone.

'For her sister and her best friend,

'this is very much
Nicole's final resting place.'

It still feels like yesterday.
I know, are you OK? I'm sorry.

It's just awful, it really is.

It really is.

You know, the people of Lockerbie
have been so kind and caring.

If it had to happen,
I'm glad it happened here.

Thirty-five years ago, something
so horrendous happened here.

It was the worst terrorist atrocity
in European history.

And I was here, and I saw things
that I really shouldn't have seen,

especially at such a young age.

But one thing that's really
struck me coming back,

and it was very important
for me to come back,

was how this community
has healed itself.

And that's such a testament
to their strength.

Also, how the people here
have helped the bereaved,

particularly those
that have come over from America.

And I think that goes two ways,

because it's helped
the people of Lockerbie as well.

Lockerbie to me was always that
image in my head of the crater,

the nose cone, the flames,
the smells, the horrific sights.

And I've always sort of pushed away
all of those thoughts and images,

because that's how your mind and
body cope with a trauma like that.

Thirty-five years on,

to come back to this beautiful,
beautiful border town,

where everybody's made me
so welcome and shared their stories

and trusted me with their stories,
that has helped me so much

and has given me
a lot of comfort as well.

I see Lockerbie now
in a completely different light.

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