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1
00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:04,917
My name is Chip. Life's been
knocking me on my butt lately.
2
00:00:04,961 --> 00:00:06,223
My best friend died
out of nowhere.
3
00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:08,704
Oh, I'm really
gonna miss you, Ray.
4
00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:11,707
And my wife, well...
Your girl's pregnant.
5
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:13,361
I hadn't opened a Bible
in 20 years,
6
00:00:13,404 --> 00:00:15,841
but it's helped so many,
and I needed help.
7
00:00:15,885 --> 00:00:17,234
I've decided to live my life
8
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:19,454
100% by the Bible.
9
00:00:19,497 --> 00:00:21,456
To the letter.
[laughs]
10
00:00:21,499 --> 00:00:22,805
I get that reaction a lot.
11
00:00:22,848 --> 00:00:25,025
But with the help
of my God Squad,
12
00:00:25,068 --> 00:00:27,592
I'm becoming a better man,
one verse at a time.
13
00:00:27,636 --> 00:00:30,726
I am living biblically.
14
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:33,990
Come on, baby.[gasps]
15
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,600
Yeah!Yes! Yeah.
16
00:00:35,644 --> 00:00:38,081
Come on, Nets.
Let s go, baby.
17
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:39,474
What is it
about the Knicks
18
00:00:39,517 --> 00:00:41,780
that just makes them
so easy to hate?
Mm.
19
00:00:41,824 --> 00:00:45,175
As a priest, I can t really
say I "hate" anything.
20
00:00:45,219 --> 00:00:46,872
Except, of course,
the Knicks.
21
00:00:46,916 --> 00:00:48,439
[laughs]Yeah.
22
00:00:48,483 --> 00:00:51,703
Most obnoxious fans
in the NBA.
Ugh.
23
00:00:51,747 --> 00:00:53,314
[cries out]
24
00:00:55,359 --> 00:00:58,101
[grunting rhythmically]
25
00:00:58,145 --> 00:01:00,538
[vocalizing]
26
00:01:00,582 --> 00:01:01,974
Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
27
00:01:02,018 --> 00:01:03,759
[humming]
28
00:01:03,802 --> 00:01:05,630
[whoops]
29
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:07,371
Huh? Let s go, Knicks!
30
00:01:09,591 --> 00:01:11,027
What-what are we?
31
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,420
Okay, are we rooting
for the Nets?
32
00:01:12,463 --> 00:01:13,725
Yeah.
33
00:01:13,769 --> 00:01:15,597
Oh, man.
34
00:01:17,816 --> 00:01:19,166
[all groan]
35
00:01:19,209 --> 00:01:20,776
Hey, question.
36
00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:22,082
After Porzingis
hit that three...
[exhales]
37
00:01:22,125 --> 00:01:23,866
...he pointed towards
the sky to thank God.
38
00:01:23,909 --> 00:01:25,128
Like, what is that?
39
00:01:25,172 --> 00:01:26,782
It s not like God
passed him the ball.
40
00:01:26,825 --> 00:01:28,784
If the player is thanking God
41
00:01:28,827 --> 00:01:30,873
for literally guiding the rock
into the old peach basket,
42
00:01:30,916 --> 00:01:32,135
well, that s the wrong idea.
43
00:01:32,179 --> 00:01:33,484
Mm.GENE: On the other hand,
44
00:01:33,528 --> 00:01:35,660
if he s humbly thanking God
for his athletic gifts
45
00:01:35,704 --> 00:01:37,532
and acknowledging
that it s not all about him,
46
00:01:37,575 --> 00:01:38,663
I m okay with that.
47
00:01:38,707 --> 00:01:39,795
Mm.GIL: Hmm.
48
00:01:39,838 --> 00:01:40,883
I like to think God doesn t care
49
00:01:40,926 --> 00:01:42,014
about trivial things.
50
00:01:42,058 --> 00:01:43,973
I mean, if he did,
the Shamrock Shake
51
00:01:44,016 --> 00:01:45,844
would be available
all year-round.
52
00:01:45,888 --> 00:01:47,411
[chuckles]
53
00:01:47,455 --> 00:01:49,500
Ooh, Daddy,
I been praying for that.
54
00:01:49,544 --> 00:01:51,154
Hey.
55
00:01:51,198 --> 00:01:53,678
Pray for a year-round
McRib, too, would you?
Oh.
56
00:01:53,722 --> 00:01:55,898
I know, right?
57
00:01:55,941 --> 00:01:57,160
It s like,
they can do it.
58
00:01:57,204 --> 00:01:58,553
They just won t.[laughs]
59
00:01:58,596 --> 00:02:01,512
The important thing
is to think of God
60
00:02:01,556 --> 00:02:03,427
as less of a point guard
and more of a coach
61
00:02:03,471 --> 00:02:05,995
who watches over us
and guides us
62
00:02:06,038 --> 00:02:07,910
and leads us
to be better players.
63
00:02:07,953 --> 00:02:10,391
All right, question. For
tomorrow s Rangers-Devils game,
64
00:02:10,434 --> 00:02:12,349
we are rooting
for the Devils, right?
65
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:15,135
You re asking a priest
if he s rooting for the Devils.
66
00:02:17,006 --> 00:02:18,921
Ah, now I got to go back
to the store.
67
00:02:20,531 --> 00:02:22,229
Hey, Rabbi. [clears throat]Yeah?
68
00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:23,578
Forgot your fake ball.
69
00:02:28,060 --> 00:02:29,975
♪
70
00:02:35,459 --> 00:02:36,591
Vince.
71
00:02:37,244 --> 00:02:38,332
What is going on?
72
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:39,333
What s wrong with your hand?
73
00:02:39,376 --> 00:02:40,769
I got Tinder finger.
74
00:02:42,205 --> 00:02:43,728
Been swiping so much recently,
75
00:02:43,772 --> 00:02:44,816
I had to ice this bad boy down.
76
00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:48,255
Being single
is harder than it looks.
77
00:02:49,604 --> 00:02:50,866
MEADOWS:
All right, people.
78
00:02:50,909 --> 00:02:52,955
Listen up! For once,
79
00:02:52,998 --> 00:02:54,913
I have got some good news
about the newspaper.
80
00:02:54,957 --> 00:02:56,915
Hey, the Internet s
been uninvented
81
00:02:56,959 --> 00:02:58,874
so people will actually read it.
82
00:02:58,917 --> 00:03:00,615
[scoffs] I wish.
83
00:03:00,658 --> 00:03:03,531
No, I was gonna say
that the nominations
84
00:03:03,574 --> 00:03:06,577
for the Douglas J. Flecken
Journalism Awards just came out,
85
00:03:06,621 --> 00:03:08,884
and we are "flecken" killing it
86
00:03:08,927 --> 00:03:11,060
with two of our very own
being nominated.
87
00:03:11,103 --> 00:03:12,496
All right, gang.
88
00:03:12,540 --> 00:03:14,368
Yeah.[whooping]
89
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:17,458
First we ve got Chip s
"Living Biblically" column.
90
00:03:17,501 --> 00:03:20,374
[laughs]Makes sense
91
00:03:20,417 --> 00:03:22,071
because it s playing huge
in the dork community.
92
00:03:22,114 --> 00:03:24,204
And...
93
00:03:24,247 --> 00:03:27,032
we have got one
for Vince s stellar reporting
94
00:03:27,076 --> 00:03:28,077
of the capture
95
00:03:28,120 --> 00:03:29,252
of the Staten Island
Strangler.
96
00:03:29,296 --> 00:03:31,907
Hey!
[laughs]:
Yeah!
97
00:03:31,950 --> 00:03:33,778
Hey, I guess you could say
I m killing it!
98
00:03:35,215 --> 00:03:36,346
Cause he killed
all those people.
99
00:03:36,390 --> 00:03:37,129
Yeah, we got it.
100
00:03:38,305 --> 00:03:39,958
All right, you guys.
101
00:03:40,002 --> 00:03:42,352
Good luck.
You re gonna need it,
102
00:03:42,396 --> 00:03:45,399
because every year this award
goes to that pretentious nympho
103
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:47,705
who writes that
"New York Nooky" column, so...
104
00:03:47,749 --> 00:03:49,968
"New York Nooky"?
105
00:03:50,012 --> 00:03:51,274
All her columns
are the same.
106
00:03:51,318 --> 00:03:53,972
We get it.
You like to be on top.[chuckles]
107
00:03:54,016 --> 00:03:56,453
I know, right? It s just
a bunch of cheap sex puns.
108
00:03:56,497 --> 00:03:58,760
I mean, "Erectoral College"?
What does that even mean?
109
00:03:59,891 --> 00:04:02,503
"Erectoral." [snickers]
110
00:04:02,546 --> 00:04:03,721
You talking
about "New York Nooky"?
111
00:04:06,985 --> 00:04:09,510
My wife and I are big fans.
112
00:04:09,553 --> 00:04:12,382
It s led to some very spirited
lovemaking sessions.
113
00:04:14,036 --> 00:04:15,516
Much like the fruit
in my yogurt cup,
114
00:04:15,559 --> 00:04:16,778
I like to be on bottom.
115
00:04:19,563 --> 00:04:21,304
Warren, you read that column?
116
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:23,524
What? Just cause I m black,
I don t read?
117
00:04:24,916 --> 00:04:26,483
I m black, too.
118
00:04:26,527 --> 00:04:29,051
I can see that.
119
00:04:29,094 --> 00:04:30,835
Are you saying
120
00:04:30,879 --> 00:04:32,837
that I m blind cause I m black?
121
00:04:34,535 --> 00:04:36,798
What?!
122
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:38,582
Mm-hmm.
123
00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:40,932
[sighs]
124
00:04:40,976 --> 00:04:43,631
Wow, man,
this is so cool.
125
00:04:43,674 --> 00:04:45,850
I mean, the last time I
was nominated for anything
126
00:04:45,894 --> 00:04:49,332
was "best hair" in high school,
and I didn t even win.
127
00:04:49,376 --> 00:04:52,901
Jeremy Bliggenstorfer did
with his beautiful blonde curls.
128
00:04:54,729 --> 00:04:56,078
Yeah, but where are
you now, Jeremy?
129
00:04:56,121 --> 00:04:58,036
Oh, right, bald.
130
00:04:59,255 --> 00:05:01,910
Huh. Guess I won in
the end, huh, Jer?
131
00:05:06,958 --> 00:05:08,960
You should not
still be so angry
132
00:05:09,004 --> 00:05:11,180
about losing "best hair"
20 years ago.
133
00:05:11,223 --> 00:05:13,313
I m working through it.
134
00:05:13,356 --> 00:05:15,619
But look, when it
comes to this award,
135
00:05:15,663 --> 00:05:17,621
may the best man win.
136
00:05:17,665 --> 00:05:20,407
I m sure he will.
137
00:05:20,450 --> 00:05:23,235
Me, too.
138
00:05:23,279 --> 00:05:25,977
We re both talking
about ourselves, aren t we?
139
00:05:26,021 --> 00:05:28,415
Yes, we are.
140
00:05:29,764 --> 00:05:31,113
Now we re just holding hands.
141
00:05:39,034 --> 00:05:41,471
I love our religious debates,
Gil, I really do,
142
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:43,430
but in this case,
you re dead wrong.
143
00:05:43,473 --> 00:05:47,259
Noah s ark could not
have had a glass bottom.
144
00:05:47,303 --> 00:05:49,566
But just for fun,
let s pretend that it did, okay?[sighs]
145
00:05:49,610 --> 00:05:51,916
I think the animals
would have loved it.
146
00:05:51,960 --> 00:05:55,746
I mean, hey, when does a giraffe
ever get to see a whale?
147
00:05:55,790 --> 00:05:57,922
The whale was on the ark, too.
148
00:05:57,966 --> 00:06:00,490
Okay, Father Einstein, tell me,
149
00:06:00,534 --> 00:06:03,232
why would a whale
need protection from a flood?
150
00:06:03,275 --> 00:06:04,799
Hmm?
151
00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:08,063
Whales lovewater.
152
00:06:08,106 --> 00:06:09,586
To be continued.
153
00:06:09,630 --> 00:06:10,935
You ve been saying that
for ten years.
154
00:06:10,979 --> 00:06:12,807
Can we please just end this?
155
00:06:12,850 --> 00:06:14,635
[sighs] Guys...
156
00:06:14,678 --> 00:06:17,115
[chuckles] I ve got
some really cool news.
157
00:06:17,159 --> 00:06:20,118
Your boy s "Living Biblically"
column just got nominated
158
00:06:20,162 --> 00:06:22,251
for a pretty substantial
writing award.
159
00:06:22,294 --> 00:06:24,296
Oh, my gosh, a Pulitzer?
160
00:06:24,340 --> 00:06:27,125
[laughing]:
No, not quite.
161
00:06:27,169 --> 00:06:28,344
A MacArthur Genius?
162
00:06:28,388 --> 00:06:29,780
Stop guessing better things.
163
00:06:31,216 --> 00:06:32,653
It s the Douglas J. Flecken
Award.
164
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:34,524
Oh!
165
00:06:34,568 --> 00:06:36,352
Look at you![Chip laughs]
166
00:06:36,396 --> 00:06:38,441
Up for the David B...What?
167
00:06:38,485 --> 00:06:39,921
Was it David?It wasn t-- no.
168
00:06:39,964 --> 00:06:42,097
Look, the name
is not important, okay?
169
00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:44,099
But I really want to win it.
170
00:06:44,142 --> 00:06:46,231
You know, I d get a lot
of attention from it, and...
171
00:06:46,275 --> 00:06:47,929
the trophy s so cool.
172
00:06:47,972 --> 00:06:49,713
It s a silver typewriter.
You know, it d be fun
173
00:06:49,757 --> 00:06:52,020
to throw a little pic of it
up on Facebook.
174
00:06:52,063 --> 00:06:53,587
You know...
175
00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:55,719
for all my haters.
[chuckles]
176
00:06:55,763 --> 00:06:59,027
You sure you re big enough
to have haters?
177
00:07:00,768 --> 00:07:02,422
Apparently.
178
00:07:04,249 --> 00:07:06,730
Well, now, you have
to be careful there, Chippy.
179
00:07:06,774 --> 00:07:09,211
Yeah, the Bible s fine
with winning awards,
180
00:07:09,254 --> 00:07:12,736
but it explicitly states
"thou shalt not covet."
181
00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:15,478
Mmm.It sounds like you might
be coveting this award.
182
00:07:15,522 --> 00:07:17,480
Coveting does not end well.
183
00:07:17,524 --> 00:07:18,742
I mean, look-look at the,
the story
184
00:07:18,786 --> 00:07:20,657
of Joseph and his coat
of many colors.
185
00:07:20,701 --> 00:07:21,919
[chuckles]
You know how that ended.
186
00:07:21,963 --> 00:07:23,443
Yeah.
187
00:07:23,486 --> 00:07:25,662
With a lavish Broadway musical?
188
00:07:28,317 --> 00:07:30,493
I saw it on ice.
I tell you,
189
00:07:30,537 --> 00:07:32,974
that stage may have been cold,
but those moves were red-hot.
190
00:07:35,106 --> 00:07:37,587
I meant that Joseph s brothers
covet the coat so much
191
00:07:37,631 --> 00:07:39,720
that they beat him,
leave him for dead,
192
00:07:39,763 --> 00:07:42,026
and he ends up
being sold into slavery.
193
00:07:42,070 --> 00:07:43,463
Man.
194
00:07:43,506 --> 00:07:45,421
Didn t sound that sad
when they were singing about it.
195
00:07:47,075 --> 00:07:48,685
Chip, you need
to find a way
196
00:07:48,729 --> 00:07:50,818
to be content with
a job well done.
197
00:07:50,861 --> 00:07:52,602
That should be the award.
198
00:07:52,646 --> 00:07:56,214
I really want
that little typewriter.
199
00:07:56,258 --> 00:07:58,956
Take a step back and try
to appreciate the fact
200
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,437
that compared to your family,
your friends,
201
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,613
your health, your faith,
202
00:08:03,657 --> 00:08:06,703
this award is as meaningless
203
00:08:06,747 --> 00:08:09,271
as knowing if Noah s ark
had a glass bottom.
204
00:08:09,314 --> 00:08:10,794
Which it may have had.
205
00:08:10,838 --> 00:08:11,969
But, you know,
we weren t there,
206
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:13,014
so we ll never, ever know.
207
00:08:14,232 --> 00:08:15,364
Wait, are we,
are we saying,
208
00:08:15,407 --> 00:08:16,887
like, a glass bottom
on Noah s ark?
209
00:08:16,931 --> 00:08:19,499
Cause, I mean,
that would be kind of cool.
210
00:08:19,542 --> 00:08:21,065
Like, the zebras
could look at the fishes.
211
00:08:21,109 --> 00:08:23,111
They actually did.The fish were on the ark!
212
00:08:28,246 --> 00:08:30,553
How am I supposed to go
to an award show
213
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:33,687
where I am nominated
and not covet the award?
214
00:08:33,730 --> 00:08:35,297
It s like going to Sizzler
and pretending
215
00:08:35,340 --> 00:08:37,908
I don t want to hit
that salad bar so hard.
216
00:08:37,952 --> 00:08:40,171
[sighs]
217
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,739
Chip, you re already
a much better person
218
00:08:42,783 --> 00:08:43,958
because of the Bible.
219
00:08:44,001 --> 00:08:46,090
Can t you just give yourself
the night off?
220
00:08:46,134 --> 00:08:47,483
The night off?
221
00:08:47,527 --> 00:08:49,572
From the Ten Commandments?
222
00:08:49,616 --> 00:08:52,140
So what, coveting,
stealing, killing--
223
00:08:52,183 --> 00:08:54,621
just all okay?
[scoffs]
224
00:08:54,664 --> 00:08:55,839
This isn t The Purge,Les.
225
00:08:57,232 --> 00:08:59,626
Or The Purge 2: Anarchy
226
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,845
or The Purge 3: Election Year
or the just announced
227
00:09:01,889 --> 00:09:05,501
Purge 4: Purge It,
Purge It Real Good.
228
00:09:05,545 --> 00:09:07,372
I am not suggesting
that you go out
229
00:09:07,416 --> 00:09:08,852
and murder a stranger, Chip.
230
00:09:08,896 --> 00:09:11,376
I m just saying
give yourself a break.
231
00:09:11,420 --> 00:09:13,030
How about this.
232
00:09:13,074 --> 00:09:14,902
Instead of coveting the award
for yourself,
233
00:09:14,945 --> 00:09:16,251
why not root
for your best friend?
234
00:09:17,644 --> 00:09:20,647
Oh, hey.
That s a great idea, babe.
235
00:09:20,690 --> 00:09:21,561
Yes!Yeah.
236
00:09:21,604 --> 00:09:23,040
Yeah, okay, so...
237
00:09:23,084 --> 00:09:24,825
so I ll just put
all my coveting energy
238
00:09:24,868 --> 00:09:26,957
into hoping Vince
wins my award-- theaward.
239
00:09:27,001 --> 00:09:28,742
[inhales, whoops]
240
00:09:31,788 --> 00:09:33,616
This is your big night, boys.
241
00:09:33,660 --> 00:09:35,749
Are you ready for it?Yeah. Chip?
242
00:09:35,792 --> 00:09:37,054
You ready to lose?
243
00:09:37,098 --> 00:09:39,361
Yes.
244
00:09:39,404 --> 00:09:40,971
Huh?
245
00:09:41,015 --> 00:09:43,670
I want you
to win this award, Vince.
246
00:09:43,713 --> 00:09:46,324
I do. I am rooting for you.
247
00:09:46,368 --> 00:09:47,587
Because, you see,
248
00:09:47,630 --> 00:09:50,459
I have turned over
a new leaf.
249
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,552
What the hell is that?
250
00:09:56,596 --> 00:09:58,380
God selling merch now?
251
00:09:59,729 --> 00:10:01,731
I know this hat s
a little weird...
252
00:10:01,775 --> 00:10:03,341
Tilda Swinton s
a little weird.
253
00:10:03,385 --> 00:10:05,517
That hat s a lot of weird.
254
00:10:05,561 --> 00:10:07,737
...but being nominated
for this award has brought up
255
00:10:07,781 --> 00:10:10,348
some very strong feelings
of coveting,
256
00:10:10,392 --> 00:10:12,176
and I need to be better.
257
00:10:12,220 --> 00:10:13,917
You know you look
like a moron, right?
258
00:10:13,961 --> 00:10:15,266
Which means
everybody thinks
259
00:10:15,310 --> 00:10:16,659
I hired a moron,
260
00:10:16,703 --> 00:10:18,618
which makes me
look like a moron.
261
00:10:18,661 --> 00:10:20,837
I feel like there s
a little splash of moron
262
00:10:20,881 --> 00:10:22,012
on me here, as well.
263
00:10:23,405 --> 00:10:25,929
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen--
264
00:10:25,973 --> 00:10:28,628
and also the staff
of Time Out New York.
265
00:10:31,761 --> 00:10:33,720
Doesn t cost anything
to laugh, gang.
266
00:10:34,851 --> 00:10:36,636
Thank you
for coming out.
267
00:10:36,679 --> 00:10:38,376
You all look
beautiful tonight.
268
00:10:38,420 --> 00:10:41,423
Or am I not allowed to say that
in this climate?
269
00:10:41,466 --> 00:10:43,599
Yikes.
270
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:46,167
A swing and a miss.
271
00:10:48,082 --> 00:10:50,606
Look, I am sorry about the hat,
but I have to wear it
272
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,564
to remind myself not to covet.
273
00:10:52,608 --> 00:10:55,393
You can t even see it-- it s
on your head, you ding-dong!
274
00:10:55,437 --> 00:10:57,395
And now,
it is my pleasure
275
00:10:57,439 --> 00:10:59,136
to announce this year s winner
276
00:10:59,180 --> 00:11:01,182
of the Douglas J. Flecken
Journalism Award.
277
00:11:01,225 --> 00:11:03,619
All right,
you got this, buddy.
278
00:11:03,663 --> 00:11:06,143
Root for yourself, you weirdo.
279
00:11:06,187 --> 00:11:10,757
Sweet Vince, the satisfaction
of a job well done ismy award.
280
00:11:10,800 --> 00:11:12,976
You see,
I have mastered coveting.
281
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:15,718
I can honestly say
with 100% certainty
282
00:11:15,762 --> 00:11:18,199
that I don t want this award.
283
00:11:18,242 --> 00:11:19,548
And the winner is...
284
00:11:19,591 --> 00:11:21,724
the New York Arrow sChip Curry!
285
00:11:21,768 --> 00:11:23,204
Oh-ho-ho!
286
00:11:23,247 --> 00:11:25,293
I knew it!
I knew it, baby!
287
00:11:25,336 --> 00:11:28,426
Ah! Whoo-hoo!
288
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:30,167
Yeah!
[laughs]
289
00:11:30,211 --> 00:11:31,995
[cackles]
290
00:11:32,039 --> 00:11:34,606
Oh, you.
291
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,086
Whew.
292
00:11:36,130 --> 00:11:37,784
You.
293
00:11:37,827 --> 00:11:39,089
Mmm.
294
00:11:39,133 --> 00:11:40,482
Wow, it s actually a lot heavier
295
00:11:40,525 --> 00:11:41,657
than I thought it d be.
296
00:11:41,701 --> 00:11:43,528
[all chuckling, chattering]
297
00:11:43,572 --> 00:11:44,834
Thatyou laugh at?
298
00:11:45,922 --> 00:11:47,750
Uh...
299
00:11:47,794 --> 00:11:50,492
two months ago,
I started living my life
300
00:11:50,535 --> 00:11:52,973
100% by the Bible,
301
00:11:53,016 --> 00:11:54,975
and that, uh,
ended up being
302
00:11:55,018 --> 00:11:56,628
the genesis--
303
00:11:56,672 --> 00:11:59,936
pun very much intended--
304
00:11:59,980 --> 00:12:01,938
for my "Living Biblically"
column.
305
00:12:01,982 --> 00:12:03,548
So obviously,
I got to thank God.
306
00:12:03,592 --> 00:12:07,030
You made this happen,
big guy. Ha-ha!
307
00:12:07,074 --> 00:12:10,164
[whispers]:
That jackass is still wearing
his "Thou shalt not covet" hat.
308
00:12:10,207 --> 00:12:12,775
That jackass also
just won an award
309
00:12:12,819 --> 00:12:14,777
and didn t
hug his wife.
310
00:12:16,561 --> 00:12:20,217
We are so lucky...
311
00:12:20,261 --> 00:12:23,743
as writers,
to get to do what we do.
312
00:12:26,006 --> 00:12:28,791
I was given a gift.
313
00:12:28,835 --> 00:12:30,880
The gift of my craft.
314
00:12:30,924 --> 00:12:33,274
And, um...
315
00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:37,669
well, frankly, it would be
a crime not to unwrap that gift.
316
00:12:37,713 --> 00:12:40,716
[crying, sniffling]:
I said I wasn t...
317
00:12:41,848 --> 00:12:43,850
When I was 11 years old, I...
318
00:12:43,893 --> 00:12:46,243
Mr. Curry, there s
been a mistake.
319
00:12:46,287 --> 00:12:48,680
Excuse me, I m trying
to give a speech here, guy.
320
00:12:48,724 --> 00:12:50,639
I read the nomination
card by accident.
321
00:12:50,682 --> 00:12:52,467
You... didn t win.
322
00:12:52,510 --> 00:12:54,730
CHIP:
What?
323
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:57,080
The actual winner is the New
York Arrow sVince Young!
324
00:12:57,124 --> 00:12:58,516
Oh!
325
00:12:58,560 --> 00:12:59,822
Yay!
326
00:12:59,866 --> 00:13:01,737
Nice job!
327
00:13:09,876 --> 00:13:12,095
Ah, tough break, Chip.
328
00:13:12,139 --> 00:13:14,750
Thou shalt sit down.
329
00:13:26,675 --> 00:13:27,981
Oh. Hey, look--
he didn tkill himself.
330
00:13:30,244 --> 00:13:31,201
Warren, you owe
me five bucks.
331
00:13:33,464 --> 00:13:34,944
I m surprised
to see you here, Chip.
332
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:36,511
I thought you d
be at home...
333
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:38,469
unwrapping your craft.
334
00:13:38,513 --> 00:13:42,038
All right, go ahead, go ahead,
everybody laugh it up.
335
00:13:42,082 --> 00:13:44,040
It s okay. I deserve it.
336
00:13:44,084 --> 00:13:45,346
Get over here, Chip.
337
00:13:45,389 --> 00:13:47,217
We celebrating
my win.Mm-hmm.
338
00:13:47,261 --> 00:13:49,219
Remember that? When you
ran up on stage last night
339
00:13:49,263 --> 00:13:50,525
and got La La Land-ed?
340
00:13:50,568 --> 00:13:52,353
[chuckles]
Yes, I remember.
341
00:13:52,396 --> 00:13:54,355
I also remember La La Land
being
342
00:13:54,398 --> 00:13:55,443
a pretty great film.
343
00:13:55,486 --> 00:13:57,010
Really?
Mm.
344
00:13:57,053 --> 00:13:58,794
A movie about jazz starring
9,000 white people.
345
00:14:00,491 --> 00:14:02,842
I was telling myself
I wasn tcoveting.
346
00:14:02,885 --> 00:14:04,626
Obviously,
I was coveting my ass off.
347
00:14:04,669 --> 00:14:06,497
I feel like an idiot, okay?
348
00:14:06,541 --> 00:14:08,412
Well, at least
you hugged your wife.
349
00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:09,631
Oh, wait.
350
00:14:09,674 --> 00:14:11,459
You didn t.
351
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:13,722
Well, at least you
didn t wear a silly hat.
352
00:14:13,765 --> 00:14:14,766
Oh, wait.
353
00:14:14,810 --> 00:14:16,072
All right!
354
00:14:16,116 --> 00:14:17,944
I get it, okay?
355
00:14:17,987 --> 00:14:19,859
I am agreeing with you.
356
00:14:19,902 --> 00:14:21,556
I shouldn t have gotten
so worked up
357
00:14:21,599 --> 00:14:23,340
over some stupid award.
358
00:14:23,384 --> 00:14:26,213
"Stupid award"? Didn t
seem so stupid to you
359
00:14:26,256 --> 00:14:27,605
when you were doing
the George Jefferson
360
00:14:27,649 --> 00:14:29,999
up to the stage
last night.
361
00:14:30,043 --> 00:14:31,522
Fair enough, huh?
362
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:34,177
But compared to the things
that really matter in life,
363
00:14:34,221 --> 00:14:37,050
it s a little,
meaningless hunk of metal.
364
00:14:37,093 --> 00:14:38,355
You know what, Chip?
365
00:14:38,399 --> 00:14:40,357
If you d won this
award last night,
366
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:42,446
which isn t heavy
at all, by the way...
367
00:14:44,057 --> 00:14:46,146
...I wouldn t call
it meaningless.
368
00:14:46,189 --> 00:14:48,670
[sighs]
We were going to
lunch to celebrate,
369
00:14:48,713 --> 00:14:50,933
but seeing how it s
just some stupid award,
370
00:14:50,977 --> 00:14:52,543
maybe you shouldn t
be there.
371
00:14:52,587 --> 00:14:54,415
Oh, come on, man.
372
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:56,547
That s all right, Chip.
373
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:58,332
At least you didn t cry
during your speech.
374
00:14:58,375 --> 00:14:59,550
Oh, wait.
375
00:14:59,594 --> 00:15:01,204
All right!
376
00:15:01,248 --> 00:15:03,641
♪
377
00:15:03,685 --> 00:15:05,295
[sighs]
378
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:07,819
Anyway, my attempt
to not covet
379
00:15:07,863 --> 00:15:10,953
was a huge disaster.
380
00:15:10,997 --> 00:15:12,607
It s so weird it
didn t work, Chip,
381
00:15:12,650 --> 00:15:14,043
because, you know,
382
00:15:14,087 --> 00:15:15,610
there are so many instances
in the Bible
383
00:15:15,653 --> 00:15:18,265
where someone puts on a hat...
384
00:15:18,308 --> 00:15:21,224
and it stops them from sinning.
385
00:15:21,268 --> 00:15:24,749
Look, Vince is on his way here,
and he s way more likely
386
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:27,404
to accept my apology with
you guys here to help, okay?
387
00:15:27,448 --> 00:15:29,406
It will definitely be
less awkward.
388
00:15:29,450 --> 00:15:30,973
Wait, you want it
to be less awkward,
389
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,018
and you re asking
me for help?
390
00:15:33,671 --> 00:15:35,064
Look at how
I m sitting.
391
00:15:37,414 --> 00:15:39,851
Couples counseling is a big part
of what we do, Chip.
392
00:15:39,895 --> 00:15:42,854
Generally,
it s a man and his wife...
393
00:15:42,898 --> 00:15:44,944
Oh, well, I may need
your help there, too.
394
00:15:44,987 --> 00:15:47,294
Leslie is ticked at me
395
00:15:47,337 --> 00:15:49,774
for not mentioning her
in my speech.
396
00:15:49,818 --> 00:15:53,561
Also, I recently ate
all of her yogurt, and...
397
00:15:53,604 --> 00:15:55,432
then I went
and bought her chocolate
398
00:15:55,476 --> 00:15:57,565
to apologize, and...
399
00:15:57,608 --> 00:16:00,002
I ate those as well.
400
00:16:01,134 --> 00:16:02,962
Hey, Vince.
401
00:16:05,051 --> 00:16:07,053
[Chip clears throat]Chip.
402
00:16:07,096 --> 00:16:08,097
Vince.
403
00:16:10,882 --> 00:16:13,320
So, what s up?
404
00:16:14,451 --> 00:16:16,801
No-thang.
405
00:16:16,845 --> 00:16:18,934
Man, this is awkward.
406
00:16:20,849 --> 00:16:23,591
I m sweating-- I m gonna have
to wring out my yarmulke.
407
00:16:23,634 --> 00:16:26,463
Vince, please, have a seat.
408
00:16:26,507 --> 00:16:29,771
Chip, was there something
that you wanted to say to Vince?
409
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:32,339
[loudly]:
Try a full sentence.
410
00:16:35,472 --> 00:16:37,431
Okay, Vince...
411
00:16:37,474 --> 00:16:39,433
I m sorry, man.
412
00:16:41,261 --> 00:16:43,872
We need a little
more, Chip.
413
00:16:46,266 --> 00:16:49,225
I-I m sorry I made him feel bad
about his award?
414
00:16:49,269 --> 00:16:50,444
Tell him.
415
00:16:53,360 --> 00:16:55,101
Look, man, I
was just trying
416
00:16:55,144 --> 00:16:56,537
to convince myself
417
00:16:56,580 --> 00:16:58,321
that I didn t really want
to win it, all right?
418
00:16:58,365 --> 00:17:00,367
And then I ended up
insulting you in the process.
419
00:17:00,410 --> 00:17:01,324
I was coveting, again.
420
00:17:02,499 --> 00:17:03,805
And I m sorry.
421
00:17:06,764 --> 00:17:07,896
Now you go, Vince.
422
00:17:10,812 --> 00:17:12,161
Thanks.
423
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:14,337
But winning this award
was big for me.
424
00:17:14,381 --> 00:17:16,731
It would have been nice
to have my friend on board.
425
00:17:18,385 --> 00:17:21,040
Whoomp. There it is.
426
00:17:26,088 --> 00:17:27,307
Also, you think
you don t have things
427
00:17:27,350 --> 00:17:28,830
in your life
that I covet?
428
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:31,572
You got a wife,
a baby on the way,
429
00:17:31,615 --> 00:17:33,791
this new column
that s blowing up.
430
00:17:33,835 --> 00:17:36,490
You been Meadows golden boy
for the last few months.
431
00:17:36,533 --> 00:17:39,058
Right now everything
in your life is great,
432
00:17:39,101 --> 00:17:41,060
except for not winning
this one award.
433
00:17:41,103 --> 00:17:44,106
You covet my life?
434
00:17:44,150 --> 00:17:45,412
Chip, don t covet
that he covets your life.
435
00:17:47,631 --> 00:17:49,503
[sighs]
436
00:17:52,680 --> 00:17:54,856
Of course
I covet your life.
437
00:17:54,899 --> 00:17:56,162
Everything except
for your hair.
438
00:17:56,205 --> 00:17:58,033
What?
439
00:17:58,077 --> 00:17:59,252
Not that it
doesn t look great,
440
00:17:59,295 --> 00:18:00,818
it would just look
ridiculous on me.
441
00:18:03,647 --> 00:18:05,214
Come on.
442
00:18:05,258 --> 00:18:07,608
You d look awesome
with anybody s hair.
443
00:18:09,218 --> 00:18:11,481
All right, let s get back
on track here, guys.
444
00:18:14,484 --> 00:18:17,357
Oh, does discussing
hair upset you, Gene?
445
00:18:20,882 --> 00:18:22,057
[chuckles]
446
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:26,931
You know, it s funny,
447
00:18:26,975 --> 00:18:29,195
cause to me, your life
seems pretty bitchin .
448
00:18:29,238 --> 00:18:31,022
I mean, everybody
thinks you re...
449
00:18:31,066 --> 00:18:32,937
super cool and out
every night having fun.
450
00:18:32,981 --> 00:18:35,157
I mean, you go
on so many dates,
451
00:18:35,201 --> 00:18:38,160
you almost broke your
finger. [chuckles]
452
00:18:40,249 --> 00:18:41,511
No!
453
00:18:43,034 --> 00:18:44,906
No, no, no,
no, no, no,
454
00:18:44,949 --> 00:18:47,169
no, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
455
00:18:47,213 --> 00:18:49,737
It s a, it s a, it s
a-a-a Tinder thing.
456
00:18:49,780 --> 00:18:51,869
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
Tinder, yeah.
457
00:18:57,266 --> 00:18:58,485
[sighs]
458
00:18:58,528 --> 00:19:01,227
So, see, the solution
to coveting is
459
00:19:01,270 --> 00:19:03,446
to focus on appreciating
the things that we do have
460
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:05,753
in our lives,
not the things that we don t.
461
00:19:07,363 --> 00:19:11,106
Like, for example,
our friends, huh?
462
00:19:11,150 --> 00:19:13,413
You guys ain t
half bad at this.
463
00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:15,371
Don t love how surprised
you sound, but thank you.
464
00:19:17,417 --> 00:19:19,636
Hey, just so you know,
465
00:19:19,680 --> 00:19:22,552
your friendship is always gonna
be way more important to me
466
00:19:22,596 --> 00:19:24,250
than some stupid award.
467
00:19:24,293 --> 00:19:25,686
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa!
468
00:19:27,383 --> 00:19:29,429
Super cool award.
469
00:19:29,472 --> 00:19:30,865
All right?
470
00:19:30,908 --> 00:19:32,954
The best journalist won.
471
00:19:34,260 --> 00:19:36,697
Thanks.All right.
472
00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:41,092
You know, we d make a lot
more money as therapists.
473
00:19:41,136 --> 00:19:42,790
We d make a lot more money
doing anything.
474
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:44,270
♪
475
00:19:52,365 --> 00:19:54,105
And so, in conclusion,
476
00:19:54,149 --> 00:19:56,107
I would once again
like to thank
477
00:19:56,151 --> 00:19:57,457
my beautiful wife Leslie...
478
00:20:00,851 --> 00:20:03,854
...for her undying love
and support,
479
00:20:03,898 --> 00:20:06,901
even as her husband makes
a complete fool of himself
480
00:20:06,944 --> 00:20:08,337
at every turn.
481
00:20:10,513 --> 00:20:12,863
I d also like
to thank...
482
00:20:12,907 --> 00:20:14,213
nobody else.
483
00:20:17,085 --> 00:20:20,393
Because nobody is
as amazing as my wife.
484
00:20:21,959 --> 00:20:24,223
How was that?
485
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:26,268
Oh, no, I didn t hear the music
to play you off. Keep going.
486
00:20:29,532 --> 00:20:30,838
[laughs]:
I m just kidding.
487
00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:33,623
You coming
to the after-party?
488
00:20:33,667 --> 00:20:34,755
After-party?
489
00:20:34,798 --> 00:20:36,496
Yeah. Um, I was chatting up
490
00:20:36,539 --> 00:20:38,585
that sex columnist
at the awards ceremony,
491
00:20:38,628 --> 00:20:40,804
and she gave me some pointers.
492
00:20:42,980 --> 00:20:45,244
You might want to, um...
493
00:20:45,287 --> 00:20:47,594
stretch first.
494
00:20:53,469 --> 00:20:55,950
"New York Nooky," baby!
495
00:20:55,993 --> 00:20:59,214
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
496
00:20:59,258 --> 00:21:02,870
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
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