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1
00:00:01,958 --> 00:00:04,961
My name is Chip. Life's been
knocking me on my butt lately.
2
00:00:05,005 --> 00:00:06,267
My best friend died
out of nowhere.
3
00:00:06,310 --> 00:00:08,747
Oh, I'm really
gonna miss you, Ray.
4
00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:11,663
And my wife, well...Your girl's pregnant.
5
00:00:11,707 --> 00:00:13,317
I hadn't opened a Bible
in 20 years,
6
00:00:13,361 --> 00:00:15,798
but it's helped so many,
and I needed help.
7
00:00:15,841 --> 00:00:17,452
I've decided to live my life
8
00:00:17,495 --> 00:00:19,410
100% by the Bible.
9
00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:21,369
To the letter.[laughs]
10
00:00:21,412 --> 00:00:22,761
I get that reaction a lot.
11
00:00:22,805 --> 00:00:24,024
But with the help
of my God Squad,
12
00:00:24,067 --> 00:00:26,069
I'm becoming a better man,
13
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:27,549
one verse at a time.
14
00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:30,682
I am living biblically.
15
00:00:34,077 --> 00:00:38,342
Guys, guess who's becoming
a better person?
16
00:00:38,386 --> 00:00:39,952
I don't know, Chip.
Is it the guy
17
00:00:39,996 --> 00:00:41,911
aggressively bragging
in my face?
18
00:00:41,954 --> 00:00:42,955
[laughs]
19
00:00:42,999 --> 00:00:44,131
You got it.
20
00:00:44,174 --> 00:00:45,871
[laughs]
21
00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:48,483
You know the Bible says
to be humble, right?
22
00:00:48,526 --> 00:00:52,139
Mm. So does multiplatinum
recording artist Kendrick Lamar.
23
00:00:52,182 --> 00:00:54,315
Well, this is true.
24
00:00:54,358 --> 00:00:57,361
And, uh, I am living
100% by the Bible,
25
00:00:57,405 --> 00:00:59,972
so no more bragging, okay?
26
00:01:00,016 --> 00:01:01,235
Gonna be tricky, though,
'cause it's pretty much
27
00:01:01,278 --> 00:01:04,107
all awesome all the time
over here. [laughs]
28
00:01:04,151 --> 00:01:05,413
Wish I could say the same.
29
00:01:05,456 --> 00:01:09,243
Last night,
my dog ate my weed gummies.
30
00:01:11,158 --> 00:01:13,812
Neither of us had the night
we'd hoped for.
31
00:01:20,558 --> 00:01:22,343
So, Chip, uh...
Mm?
32
00:01:22,386 --> 00:01:25,433
...my barbershop quartet is
playing here next week.
33
00:01:25,476 --> 00:01:27,348
Mm-hmm?
I sent you an Evite,
34
00:01:27,391 --> 00:01:31,352
and, uh, you didn't get back to
♪ Me-me-me-me-me...
35
00:01:31,395 --> 00:01:33,136
[chuckles]
36
00:01:33,180 --> 00:01:35,051
A barbershop quartet
invite?
37
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,661
No, I-I didn't get it.
38
00:01:36,705 --> 00:01:39,360
Well, I got a notification
that you opened it.
39
00:01:42,102 --> 00:01:43,320
Huh.
40
00:01:43,364 --> 00:01:46,497
Well, now,
I was hacked recently.
41
00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:47,498
Russians, you think, maybe?
42
00:01:47,542 --> 00:01:49,848
Yeah, yeah.
Probably the Russians.
43
00:01:49,892 --> 00:01:52,155
Well, now you know about it.
You gonna be there?
44
00:01:52,199 --> 00:01:53,591
[groans]
I don't know, man.
45
00:01:53,635 --> 00:01:55,376
You know, I...
46
00:01:55,419 --> 00:01:57,987
I mean, I'm-a have to deal with
this whole hacking situation.
47
00:01:58,030 --> 00:02:01,295
And, um, oh!
Plus,
48
00:02:01,338 --> 00:02:04,167
you know what? I have a dentist
appointment at that same time.
49
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:06,952
You-you have a 9:00 p.m.
dental appointment?
50
00:02:06,996 --> 00:02:08,867
Yep. Mm-hmm.
51
00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:10,782
It's a night dentist.
Oh.
52
00:02:10,826 --> 00:02:12,088
Really?
Yeah.
53
00:02:12,132 --> 00:02:13,220
What's his name?
54
00:02:13,263 --> 00:02:15,352
Uh, hername?
55
00:02:16,527 --> 00:02:17,963
Interesting that you
just assume
56
00:02:18,007 --> 00:02:20,183
only men could be
night dentists. [chuckles]
57
00:02:20,227 --> 00:02:21,706
Can you believe
this guy, Gil?
58
00:02:21,750 --> 00:02:23,534
What's the name, Chip?
59
00:02:25,754 --> 00:02:28,191
It's, uh, uh, you know...
60
00:02:28,235 --> 00:02:29,758
Rebecca Cavity, DDS.
61
00:02:30,976 --> 00:02:32,891
Come on, Chip.
For a guy who was just bragging
62
00:02:32,935 --> 00:02:35,198
about living 100% by the Bible,
63
00:02:35,242 --> 00:02:37,592
you forgot "thou shalt not
bear false witness."
64
00:02:37,635 --> 00:02:40,072
Hmm.Is that what "don't bear
false witness" means?
65
00:02:40,116 --> 00:02:41,291
No lying?
66
00:02:41,335 --> 00:02:44,294
I did not know that.
67
00:02:44,338 --> 00:02:45,643
Yeah, you did, Chip.
68
00:02:49,430 --> 00:02:51,475
You know,
I have to say,
69
00:02:51,519 --> 00:02:55,262
I've always thought of myself
as a pretty honest guy, but...
70
00:02:55,305 --> 00:02:57,264
Gene and Gil made me realize
that I have just been lying
71
00:02:57,307 --> 00:02:58,743
all the time.
72
00:02:58,787 --> 00:02:59,962
How'd they do that?
73
00:03:00,005 --> 00:03:01,224
Well, I lied to them,
and they noticed,
74
00:03:01,268 --> 00:03:02,399
and then they called me a liar.
75
00:03:02,443 --> 00:03:04,184
But I'm done.
76
00:03:04,227 --> 00:03:07,099
No more lies of any kind for me.
77
00:03:07,143 --> 00:03:09,276
Huh. Wow.
No more lying?
78
00:03:09,319 --> 00:03:10,886
Well, I can't be mad at that.
79
00:03:10,929 --> 00:03:12,975
I assume I will
at some point, but...
80
00:03:13,018 --> 00:03:14,368
[chuckles]
81
00:03:14,411 --> 00:03:16,500
Aw. Did you make me eggs?
82
00:03:16,544 --> 00:03:18,633
Yup.
83
00:03:19,895 --> 00:03:21,331
[sighs]
Oops. That was a lie.
84
00:03:21,375 --> 00:03:23,420
I made them for me, but here,
I don't want them.
85
00:03:23,464 --> 00:03:26,206
[groaning]:
Ugh. That was also a lie.
86
00:03:26,249 --> 00:03:28,773
I want them very much,
but only one of us is pregnant,
87
00:03:28,817 --> 00:03:29,992
so here, have them.
88
00:03:30,035 --> 00:03:32,429
This is gonna be hard for you.[sighs]
89
00:03:32,473 --> 00:03:33,735
But so much fun for me.
90
00:03:33,778 --> 00:03:34,910
Mm-hmm.[giggles]
91
00:03:34,953 --> 00:03:36,128
Now I can ask you anything
92
00:03:36,172 --> 00:03:37,521
I've always wanted to know
the truth about.
93
00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:39,654
Ha-ha. Okay. Great.
94
00:03:39,697 --> 00:03:43,745
From now on, I am
an open book.
95
00:03:43,788 --> 00:03:45,399
Stop staring at my eggs.
96
00:03:45,442 --> 00:03:47,314
[groans]
97
00:03:47,357 --> 00:03:48,793
Okay.
98
00:03:48,837 --> 00:03:52,449
When I text you a joke,
and you text me back "LOL"...
99
00:03:52,493 --> 00:03:54,538
Mm-hmm....are you really
laughing out loud?
100
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:56,584
I smile sometimes.
101
00:03:56,627 --> 00:03:59,587
Uh-huh. Do you really not know
how to do laundry,
102
00:03:59,630 --> 00:04:01,415
or do you just not
want to do it?
103
00:04:01,458 --> 00:04:04,331
No, I truly have no idea
how to do laundry.
104
00:04:04,374 --> 00:04:07,072
Did you really shave
your chest last year
105
00:04:07,116 --> 00:04:09,074
because it made clothes
more comfortable?
106
00:04:09,118 --> 00:04:11,338
No. I just wanted to see
what it looked like,
107
00:04:11,381 --> 00:04:14,515
and I loved what it looked like.
108
00:04:14,558 --> 00:04:16,995
Here's some truth for you:
I did not.
109
00:04:17,039 --> 00:04:18,562
[laughs]
110
00:04:18,606 --> 00:04:20,260
See? This is liberating.
I love this.
111
00:04:20,303 --> 00:04:21,348
Next question.
112
00:04:21,391 --> 00:04:23,393
Do you find my sister
attractive?
113
00:04:26,178 --> 00:04:28,442
You're going straight from
manscaping to your hot sister?
114
00:04:28,485 --> 00:04:29,530
I didn't say "hot."
115
00:04:29,573 --> 00:04:31,488
And I think
that's enough questions.
116
00:04:31,532 --> 00:04:32,576
[clears throat]
117
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,709
I am loving this.
118
00:04:34,752 --> 00:04:36,319
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, look, I'm late for work.
119
00:04:36,363 --> 00:04:37,494
Don't forget we got that date
with Vince
120
00:04:37,538 --> 00:04:38,800
and his new girlfriend tonight.
121
00:04:38,843 --> 00:04:40,671
That's tonight?
I was supposed to have dinner
122
00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:41,672
with Linda from work.
123
00:04:41,716 --> 00:04:43,283
Oh, yeah? Big Linda?
124
00:04:43,326 --> 00:04:44,588
No. I wish.
125
00:04:44,632 --> 00:04:46,808
Weird Linda.Oh.
126
00:04:46,851 --> 00:04:49,680
The one who sounds like
a chipmunk on helium.
127
00:04:49,724 --> 00:04:52,596
Why did you make dinner plans
with somebody you don't like?
128
00:04:52,640 --> 00:04:54,468
Because she does
all the scheduling at work.
129
00:04:54,511 --> 00:04:55,904
And if I don't act
like I like her,
130
00:04:55,947 --> 00:04:57,819
I'll be working every night,
weekend and holiday.
131
00:04:57,862 --> 00:05:00,474
I'd rather hang out
with you tonight, babe.
132
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:02,563
I mean, I'll just
make something up.
133
00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:05,609
I see. So, you got yourself
into this because of a lie,
134
00:05:05,653 --> 00:05:08,003
and now you're gonna use
another lie to get out of it?
135
00:05:08,046 --> 00:05:09,526
After that great honesty
breakthrough we just had,
136
00:05:09,570 --> 00:05:11,789
while you were pigging out
on my eggs?
137
00:05:11,833 --> 00:05:13,922
That's right. I just need
to think of an excuse
138
00:05:13,965 --> 00:05:15,706
I haven't used on her before.
139
00:05:15,750 --> 00:05:18,100
Well, look, if you want to keep
lying, that's your decision.
140
00:05:18,143 --> 00:05:19,928
I am sticking
with the truth.
141
00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:22,278
Which reminds me,
I have another question.
142
00:05:22,322 --> 00:05:24,149
On your bachelor party trip
to Thailand...
143
00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,369
Okeydoke.
144
00:05:37,598 --> 00:05:39,121
[whispers]:
Hey.
145
00:05:39,164 --> 00:05:41,253
Geez, Chip. You so late,
146
00:05:41,297 --> 00:05:42,907
you might want to take
a pregnancy test.
147
00:05:42,951 --> 00:05:44,561
[laughs]
148
00:05:44,605 --> 00:05:45,823
You and Leslie psyched
about tonight?
149
00:05:45,867 --> 00:05:47,303
You're gonna love Emily.
150
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,479
She's smart, she's funny.
151
00:05:49,523 --> 00:05:51,002
I'm really serious about her.
152
00:05:51,046 --> 00:05:52,613
I'm cleaning my apartment
twice a week.
153
00:05:52,656 --> 00:05:53,788
I bought a lamp.
154
00:05:53,831 --> 00:05:55,659
What? IKEA?
155
00:05:55,703 --> 00:05:56,921
Pier 1.
156
00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,315
Wow.
Yeah.
157
00:05:59,359 --> 00:06:00,925
Well, we can't wait
to meet her, man.
158
00:06:00,969 --> 00:06:02,318
And, uh, that's the truth,
159
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,886
because as per the Bible,
I am no longer lying.
160
00:06:04,929 --> 00:06:06,583
Sounds like a great idea.Uh-huh.
161
00:06:06,627 --> 00:06:07,541
I amlying.
162
00:06:07,584 --> 00:06:08,890
[laughs]
163
00:06:08,933 --> 00:06:10,500
You just getting in, Chip?
164
00:06:10,544 --> 00:06:13,024
Is there a good reason
why you're 40 minutes late?
165
00:06:13,068 --> 00:06:16,114
A good reason?
166
00:06:16,158 --> 00:06:17,420
No.
167
00:06:17,464 --> 00:06:18,726
Huh?
168
00:06:18,769 --> 00:06:20,989
What?
169
00:06:21,032 --> 00:06:22,425
So then, why are you late?
170
00:06:22,469 --> 00:06:25,080
Well, the truth is,
my sheets were super snuggly,
171
00:06:25,123 --> 00:06:26,908
and I didn't want
to get out of bed.
172
00:06:26,951 --> 00:06:29,911
I don't know what you're doing,
but stop it.
173
00:06:29,954 --> 00:06:32,130
Because you are throwing me off.
174
00:06:32,174 --> 00:06:34,698
I don't even know
why I came down here now.
175
00:06:34,742 --> 00:06:36,831
I have stopped lying,
Ms. Meadows.
176
00:06:36,874 --> 00:06:39,268
You see, in the Ten
Commandments, they state that...
177
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:41,357
I command you
to shut the hell up, Chip.
178
00:06:43,011 --> 00:06:44,665
Folks!
179
00:06:44,708 --> 00:06:47,798
The staff is going through
some changes.
180
00:06:47,842 --> 00:06:51,323
As you know, Cheryl's cat
got tail cancer.
181
00:06:51,367 --> 00:06:55,066
So she's taking some time off
to give it "che-meow-therapy."
182
00:06:56,633 --> 00:06:59,723
We have somebody new coming in
to check out the office today.
183
00:06:59,767 --> 00:07:01,377
Doug Rakhe.
184
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,292
Now, he is fielding
185
00:07:03,335 --> 00:07:08,253
quite a few offers, but I want
him to be ournew sports writer.
186
00:07:08,297 --> 00:07:09,559
Maybe you've
heard about
187
00:07:09,603 --> 00:07:11,648
his insanely popular
sports column,
188
00:07:11,692 --> 00:07:13,258
"Doug's Balls"?
189
00:07:13,302 --> 00:07:14,782
I love "Doug's Balls."Oh, me, too.
190
00:07:14,825 --> 00:07:16,827
Every guy loves
"Doug's Balls."
191
00:07:16,871 --> 00:07:19,047
Women do, too, Chip.
192
00:07:19,090 --> 00:07:20,048
Oh.
193
00:07:20,091 --> 00:07:21,049
Here he is now.
194
00:07:21,092 --> 00:07:22,746
Everybody, meet Doug.
195
00:07:22,790 --> 00:07:24,182
[chuckles]
'Sup, y'all?
196
00:07:24,226 --> 00:07:25,749
MEADOWS:
Welcome.
197
00:07:25,793 --> 00:07:27,838
I'd just like you
to get to know everybody.
198
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:29,623
And make him feel
at home, folks.
199
00:07:29,666 --> 00:07:30,711
Okay?
200
00:07:30,754 --> 00:07:32,364
When I open up
our newspaper,
201
00:07:32,408 --> 00:07:34,671
I want to see "Doug's Balls"
in my face.
202
00:07:36,107 --> 00:07:38,283
Hey, we love your column.
203
00:07:38,327 --> 00:07:40,068
Yeah. You're really
killing it, man.
204
00:07:40,111 --> 00:07:42,418
Ah, killing it?
I don't know. You tell me.
205
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,072
I arrived in an UberXL.
206
00:07:45,856 --> 00:07:47,684
I was a contestant
on Jeopardy!once.
207
00:07:47,728 --> 00:07:49,817
What is "came in second"?
208
00:07:49,860 --> 00:07:51,732
[chuckles]
209
00:07:51,775 --> 00:07:52,950
Yeah, I started
my own line of vodka
210
00:07:52,994 --> 00:07:55,213
with The Rock...
's assistant.
211
00:07:55,257 --> 00:07:57,433
[chuckles]: Ah.
The Rock's assistant.
212
00:07:57,477 --> 00:07:59,304
What's his name, "The Pebble"?
You know, 'cause of the...
213
00:07:59,348 --> 00:08:01,089
We don't joke about The Rock.
214
00:08:03,352 --> 00:08:05,093
Well, hey.
[clears throat]
215
00:08:05,136 --> 00:08:06,311
How you doing?
216
00:08:06,355 --> 00:08:07,574
Chip. Huh?
217
00:08:07,617 --> 00:08:08,749
You may have
heard of mycolumn.
218
00:08:08,792 --> 00:08:09,793
"Living Biblically"?
219
00:08:11,621 --> 00:08:13,710
And this is Vince. He's, uh,
220
00:08:13,754 --> 00:08:15,538
the best crime reporter
in the city.
221
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:16,800
Well, that's not true.
222
00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:18,367
He's the best crime
reporter here.
223
00:08:18,410 --> 00:08:19,934
Well, actually,
Becky's pretty good.
224
00:08:19,977 --> 00:08:21,588
Just say I'm the crime reporter.
225
00:08:21,631 --> 00:08:24,416
Hey, Ms. Meadows made me
a pretty dope offer,
226
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:26,941
so I guess things
are popping off around here.
227
00:08:26,984 --> 00:08:28,638
They are, right?
[laughs]
228
00:08:28,682 --> 00:08:30,553
Wait, does "popping off"
mean good or bad?
229
00:08:30,597 --> 00:08:32,337
Good.
Oh, well, then, no,
we're doing real bad.
230
00:08:33,469 --> 00:08:34,557
I mean, we have to
share our bathroom
231
00:08:34,601 --> 00:08:36,211
with a falafel restaurant.
232
00:08:36,254 --> 00:08:37,734
The good news is the falafels
are really delicious, though.
233
00:08:37,778 --> 00:08:40,215
Oh, that's a lie; they
taste like fried sand.
234
00:08:40,258 --> 00:08:41,608
Vince, help me out here?
235
00:08:41,651 --> 00:08:43,914
Why don't you ask Becky,
since you love her so much?
236
00:08:43,958 --> 00:08:46,613
Is there anything good
about this place?
237
00:08:46,656 --> 00:08:48,310
I'm pretty great.
238
00:08:48,353 --> 00:08:49,790
Well, honestly,
I can be a bit much.
239
00:08:53,663 --> 00:08:56,927
You know, telling the truth
is a lot like skinny-dipping.
240
00:08:56,971 --> 00:08:58,276
At first,
it's a little uncomfortable,
241
00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,930
but then after you get
used to it, it's like,
242
00:08:59,974 --> 00:09:02,716
"Why isn't everybody
doing this?"
243
00:09:02,759 --> 00:09:05,153
Do you know anything
about Vince's girlfriend?Mm-mm.
244
00:09:05,196 --> 00:09:07,547
I hope she's better
than the last one.
Ugh.
245
00:09:07,590 --> 00:09:09,157
Well, he doesn't have
the greatest track record.
246
00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,375
I mean, remember Liana?
247
00:09:10,419 --> 00:09:11,899
And every time
something bad happened,
248
00:09:11,942 --> 00:09:15,076
she'd always go,
"Aw, sad panda."
249
00:09:16,730 --> 00:09:20,081
Yeah. I was feeling real "sad
panda" by the end of that night.
250
00:09:20,124 --> 00:09:21,778
[laughs]
251
00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:23,606
But I'll tell you,
this does sound different.
252
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:24,955
He-he seems pretty serious.
253
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:26,304
He went out
and bought a lamp.
254
00:09:26,348 --> 00:09:27,741
IKEA?
Pier 1.
255
00:09:27,784 --> 00:09:29,264
Wow.
256
00:09:29,307 --> 00:09:30,570
Hey, guys.
257
00:09:30,613 --> 00:09:31,483
Hey.
Hi.
258
00:09:31,527 --> 00:09:32,833
This is Emily.
259
00:09:34,138 --> 00:09:37,098
This... is the
woman I'm dating.
260
00:09:37,141 --> 00:09:38,795
Hi, Emily. I'm Chip.
261
00:09:38,839 --> 00:09:40,144
So nice to meet you.
262
00:09:40,188 --> 00:09:41,363
Hi, new friend.
263
00:09:41,406 --> 00:09:42,886
Are you on Instagram?
264
00:09:44,148 --> 00:09:45,410
Would you mind
giving me a follow?
265
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:48,283
Unless you already do,
in which case, blessings.
266
00:09:50,633 --> 00:09:52,417
She has 90,000 followers.
267
00:09:52,461 --> 00:09:56,596
That means 89,999
people want to be me.
268
00:09:58,032 --> 00:09:59,642
Oh, uh... uh, babe,
269
00:09:59,686 --> 00:10:01,818
it's called a selfie,
not an "us-ie."
270
00:10:01,862 --> 00:10:03,515
[chuckles]
You get it.
271
00:10:03,559 --> 00:10:05,300
I'm gonna go see if the
lighting's any better
272
00:10:05,343 --> 00:10:06,954
in the bathroom, boo.
273
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:11,045
So, what do you think?
274
00:10:11,088 --> 00:10:12,699
She's pretty great, huh?
275
00:10:12,742 --> 00:10:14,135
Truthfully...I'm gonna see why those drinks
276
00:10:14,178 --> 00:10:15,919
are taking so long.
277
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,399
Wait a minute.
We didn't order drinks.
278
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:18,792
That's the problem.
279
00:10:18,835 --> 00:10:20,358
What's wrong with her?
280
00:10:20,402 --> 00:10:21,925
Oh, she left
because she thinks
281
00:10:21,969 --> 00:10:23,710
this is about to
get super awkward.
282
00:10:23,753 --> 00:10:25,320
Why would she think
it's gonna get super awkward?
283
00:10:25,363 --> 00:10:26,930
[exhales]
Because she knows
284
00:10:26,974 --> 00:10:29,019
I have to be honest with you
about Emily.
285
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:30,934
And why is that a problem?
286
00:10:32,980 --> 00:10:34,372
She kind of sucks, Vince.
287
00:10:35,765 --> 00:10:37,724
Any questions
about the menu, guys?
288
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:39,203
Oh, it's not
really a great time.
289
00:10:39,247 --> 00:10:40,465
Is everything okay?
290
00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:41,815
Not really.
291
00:10:41,858 --> 00:10:43,425
My best friend just told
me my girlfriend sucks.
292
00:10:43,468 --> 00:10:46,646
I had to because of the Bible.
293
00:10:46,689 --> 00:10:48,430
Well, this is gonna be
a fun table.
294
00:10:50,475 --> 00:10:51,738
Wait, I don't get it, man.
295
00:10:51,781 --> 00:10:53,391
Emily is way better
than my last girlfriend
296
00:10:53,435 --> 00:10:54,828
and you said
you loved her.
297
00:10:54,871 --> 00:10:57,395
Right, because that's
back when I could lie.
298
00:10:57,439 --> 00:10:59,615
You didn't love Liana?
No.
299
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:02,052
Did you love any
of my girlfriends?
No.
300
00:11:02,096 --> 00:11:04,315
You don't have to
think about it?
No.
301
00:11:04,359 --> 00:11:05,795
Look, I-I-I'm sorry, Vince.
302
00:11:05,839 --> 00:11:08,015
I'm not trying to be mean here,
but the truth is
303
00:11:08,058 --> 00:11:09,799
I just really think
you're dating this woman
304
00:11:09,843 --> 00:11:12,149
because of the way she makes
you look and, come on, man.
305
00:11:12,193 --> 00:11:13,629
I think you can do better.
306
00:11:15,283 --> 00:11:19,461
Oh, my God. My bathroom selfie
was just liked by David Spade.
307
00:11:19,504 --> 00:11:21,550
You see that?
308
00:11:21,593 --> 00:11:22,812
David Spade likes Emily.
309
00:11:24,205 --> 00:11:25,859
Let's go. Say
good-bye to Chip.
310
00:11:25,902 --> 00:11:27,077
Ah...
Who's Chip?
311
00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:28,426
And wasn't there a girl
over here before?
312
00:11:28,470 --> 00:11:29,863
Come on. Vince!
313
00:11:29,906 --> 00:11:31,865
Chip, we have
a huge problem.
314
00:11:31,908 --> 00:11:33,867
Yes, I know.
Vince is super pissed.
315
00:11:33,910 --> 00:11:37,087
No. Linda is here,
from work.
Oh, Big Linda?
316
00:11:37,131 --> 00:11:38,610
Would I be panicked
if Big Linda was here?
317
00:11:38,654 --> 00:11:39,916
I love Big Linda.
Weird Linda is here.
318
00:11:39,960 --> 00:11:41,744
Oh.
And I told her I had
to cancel tonight
319
00:11:41,788 --> 00:11:43,441
because you had
food poisoning.
320
00:11:43,485 --> 00:11:46,096
I don't have food poisoning.I know! Let's get out of here.
321
00:11:46,140 --> 00:11:49,230
Uh... Leslie?
322
00:11:49,273 --> 00:11:51,885
Hi. Hi, Linda.
323
00:11:51,928 --> 00:11:54,104
And Chip?
324
00:11:55,497 --> 00:11:57,978
Don't you have
food poisoning?
325
00:12:02,417 --> 00:12:06,813
I... do...
326
00:12:06,856 --> 00:12:08,945
not have food poisoning.
327
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,468
Ugh. Sad panda.
328
00:12:17,562 --> 00:12:21,741
I-I just never realized
how much I needed to lie.
329
00:12:21,784 --> 00:12:25,179
Now my wife's in trouble at work
and my best friend hates me.
330
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:26,789
I still love you, baby.
331
00:12:28,269 --> 00:12:30,053
Found my gummies.
332
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:33,361
Well, thanks, Gracie.
333
00:12:33,404 --> 00:12:34,623
I-I love you, too.
334
00:12:34,666 --> 00:12:36,190
Keep it in your pants, Chip.
335
00:12:39,759 --> 00:12:42,413
I mean, are any of
the Bible rules fun?
336
00:12:42,457 --> 00:12:46,287
Isn't there, like, a...
water park section?
337
00:12:46,330 --> 00:12:48,724
There's some flooding.
338
00:12:52,206 --> 00:12:54,251
I mean, how do you guys
tell the truth at all times?
339
00:12:54,295 --> 00:12:56,036
[chuckles]
Oh, we don't. No.
340
00:12:56,079 --> 00:12:58,386
That'd be crazy.
341
00:12:58,429 --> 00:13:00,780
I mean, we try to, of course,
but, you know...
342
00:13:00,823 --> 00:13:02,607
We-we don't want
everyone to hate us.
Yeah.
343
00:13:02,651 --> 00:13:05,741
Which is what's happening
to you, so you get it.
344
00:13:05,785 --> 00:13:07,351
Look, there are
345
00:13:07,395 --> 00:13:09,876
certain must-lie
situations in life, Chip.
346
00:13:09,919 --> 00:13:12,748
I told my wife the truth
about her haircut once,
347
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:16,621
and, well, let's just say
I "fell" down the stairs.
348
00:13:20,016 --> 00:13:22,889
I mean, even-even priests
and rabbis understand
349
00:13:22,932 --> 00:13:24,760
that you can't
always tell the truth.
350
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:26,283
Like the time
we lied when you asked
351
00:13:26,327 --> 00:13:27,719
if you have
a feminine sneeze.
352
00:13:29,678 --> 00:13:31,158
Would've hurt your feelings
if we told you
353
00:13:31,201 --> 00:13:33,073
that you sneeze
like a tiny, little girl.
354
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:36,119
Oh, okay.
355
00:13:36,163 --> 00:13:38,774
What, like you guys
sneeze so cool?
356
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,689
See? It hurt your feelings.
357
00:13:40,732 --> 00:13:42,430
Just like when
you lied to Gil
358
00:13:42,473 --> 00:13:44,519
about his
barbershop quartet show.
359
00:13:44,562 --> 00:13:46,651
I mean, come on, nobody
wants to go to that thing.
360
00:13:50,786 --> 00:13:53,006
Except me.
361
00:13:53,049 --> 00:13:54,398
Well, you know what,
362
00:13:54,442 --> 00:13:56,487
the Bible doesn't say,
"Thou shalt tell the truth
363
00:13:56,531 --> 00:13:58,098
when it's convenient." Right?
364
00:13:58,141 --> 00:14:00,796
So, I am, I am gonna try my best
365
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,885
to just stick with being honest
at all times.
366
00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,105
Fine. Commendable even.
367
00:14:05,148 --> 00:14:07,368
But if you don't have
anything nice to say,
368
00:14:07,411 --> 00:14:09,892
maybe shut your mouth.
369
00:14:09,936 --> 00:14:11,807
Yeah, but see, isn't that
a lie of omission?
370
00:14:11,851 --> 00:14:13,678
Shut your mouth, Chip.
371
00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,074
All right, well,
372
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,860
thanks for the guidance
and I will shut my mouth
373
00:14:20,903 --> 00:14:23,427
as soon as I open it twice more
just to fix things
374
00:14:23,471 --> 00:14:24,733
with my wife and my best friend.
375
00:14:24,776 --> 00:14:25,865
[high-pitched sneeze]
376
00:14:27,475 --> 00:14:28,650
Bless you, ma'am.
377
00:14:39,704 --> 00:14:41,054
Can we talk?
378
00:14:41,097 --> 00:14:42,577
I'm not talking to you.
379
00:14:42,620 --> 00:14:45,014
Come on, man. Are you serious?
380
00:14:45,058 --> 00:14:48,496
Chip, I am more serious
than a comedy on Amazon.
381
00:14:51,412 --> 00:14:53,675
Look, there's
got to be a reason
382
00:14:53,718 --> 00:14:56,069
that this lying
commandment exists.
383
00:14:56,112 --> 00:14:59,811
And I really believe that
it's because in the long run,
384
00:14:59,855 --> 00:15:02,118
we're just better off
with the truth.
385
00:15:02,162 --> 00:15:04,207
Is this gonna turn into
an apology anytime soon?
386
00:15:04,251 --> 00:15:07,776
Yes. I am sorry, Vince. Okay?
387
00:15:07,819 --> 00:15:09,821
Look, man, I just want you
to be happy
388
00:15:09,865 --> 00:15:11,649
and I don't think you would be
with that Emily girl.
389
00:15:11,693 --> 00:15:12,824
You deserve better.
390
00:15:12,868 --> 00:15:14,914
I appreciate that.
391
00:15:14,957 --> 00:15:16,393
And just so you know,
392
00:15:16,437 --> 00:15:18,047
I haven't loved all the
women you've dated, either.
393
00:15:18,091 --> 00:15:19,266
Like that Jenny girl.
394
00:15:19,309 --> 00:15:20,789
Oh, Jenny was cool.
395
00:15:20,832 --> 00:15:23,052
She got you into
a pyramid scheme.
396
00:15:23,096 --> 00:15:24,967
Yeah, but I made a little money.
397
00:15:25,011 --> 00:15:27,274
Yeah, because I was underneath
you on the pyramid.
398
00:15:27,317 --> 00:15:29,450
Oh.
But I was still
399
00:15:29,493 --> 00:15:31,060
nice enough to lie
to you about her.
400
00:15:31,104 --> 00:15:33,454
Well, I wish you hadn't.
401
00:15:33,497 --> 00:15:34,629
Maybe if you were
honest with me,
402
00:15:34,672 --> 00:15:36,109
I might have met
Leslie sooner.
403
00:15:36,152 --> 00:15:38,241
And hey, that's all
I want for you, okay?
404
00:15:38,285 --> 00:15:39,939
I just want you
to meet your Leslie.
405
00:15:41,723 --> 00:15:43,725
Okay, I can't
argue with that.
406
00:15:43,768 --> 00:15:45,945
But you could've let me
have sex with her for,
407
00:15:45,988 --> 00:15:47,642
I don't know,
another ten years?
408
00:15:47,685 --> 00:15:50,862
[laughs]
409
00:15:50,906 --> 00:15:52,386
Wait, you broke up?
410
00:15:52,429 --> 00:15:55,780
Yeah. Your whole honesty
thing got me being honest,
411
00:15:55,824 --> 00:15:58,131
and I told her that it
bothered me that she posted
412
00:15:58,174 --> 00:16:01,134
32 pictures last night and I
wasn't in a single one of them.
413
00:16:01,177 --> 00:16:02,744
[scoffs]
414
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:06,269
Then she got honest and told
me I was bad for her brand.
415
00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:08,358
And then I'm pretty sure she
went to David Spade's place.
416
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:12,362
Hi, Pinocchio.
417
00:16:12,406 --> 00:16:14,495
Hi. Uh, you know,
418
00:16:14,538 --> 00:16:16,453
that's not really an accurate
nickname, Ms. Meadows.
419
00:16:16,497 --> 00:16:17,977
Pinocchio didlie.
420
00:16:18,020 --> 00:16:19,239
Otherwise, his nose
would've just, you know,
421
00:16:19,282 --> 00:16:20,718
stayed the same size.
422
00:16:20,762 --> 00:16:22,982
You want to die
on this hill, Chip?
423
00:16:25,419 --> 00:16:27,638
This is Doug's
last day with us
424
00:16:27,682 --> 00:16:29,379
and he just told me
that he got an offer
425
00:16:29,423 --> 00:16:31,816
from that gang of alcoholics
down at the Tribune.
426
00:16:31,860 --> 00:16:35,342
So just stop talking
about Italian puppets
427
00:16:35,385 --> 00:16:36,604
and fix this.
428
00:16:36,647 --> 00:16:38,040
Okay. Yes. I'm on it.
429
00:16:38,084 --> 00:16:39,955
But just so you know,
Pinocchio was a marionette.
430
00:16:45,830 --> 00:16:47,571
Oh. [clears throat]
431
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:49,834
Hey, man, can I talk
to you for a second?
432
00:16:49,878 --> 00:16:51,967
You already are, bro.
Keep talking.
433
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:55,231
Hey. Look, I-I know
a lot of the truth
434
00:16:55,275 --> 00:16:57,320
I laid on you yesterday
might've been a little heavy.
435
00:16:57,364 --> 00:17:00,932
Humble brag, the truth
wasn't the only heavy thing
436
00:17:00,976 --> 00:17:05,285
that laid on me last night.
[laughs]
437
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:08,723
Uh, oh, well, hey,
good job, Doug. [chuckles]
438
00:17:08,766 --> 00:17:12,335
Um, but-but
here's-here's the thing,
439
00:17:12,379 --> 00:17:14,859
this office has
its problems, sure,
440
00:17:14,903 --> 00:17:17,993
but there are great writers here
and great people, too.
441
00:17:18,037 --> 00:17:19,864
I mean, in fact,
I met my best friend here.
442
00:17:19,908 --> 00:17:22,998
I'm your best friend already?
Weird.
443
00:17:23,042 --> 00:17:25,218
But I get it. Pound it, bro.
444
00:17:25,261 --> 00:17:27,524
No, no, no, I-I
didn't mean you.Damn it, Chip.
445
00:17:27,568 --> 00:17:30,136
Pound your best friend.
446
00:17:33,878 --> 00:17:37,012
You know what? I like you.
447
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:39,319
I love that you didn't feed me
a line of BS
448
00:17:39,362 --> 00:17:40,972
like all the other papers
I've visited.
449
00:17:41,016 --> 00:17:43,671
I actually like that this
place isn't thriving.
450
00:17:43,714 --> 00:17:47,022
[laughs]: I'm way more important
here than my last job.
451
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:51,983
You guys need me, desperately.
452
00:17:52,027 --> 00:17:53,159
Oh, w...
453
00:17:53,202 --> 00:17:56,597
So, "Doug's Balls" just landed
454
00:17:56,640 --> 00:17:59,904
in your hands.
455
00:18:05,084 --> 00:18:08,217
Don't drop them, Pinocchio.
456
00:18:12,395 --> 00:18:13,396
Hi.
457
00:18:13,440 --> 00:18:14,658
Hey.
458
00:18:14,702 --> 00:18:17,792
Well, how'd it go
with Weird Linda today?
459
00:18:17,835 --> 00:18:20,186
Well, she scheduled me
to work Thanksgiving,
460
00:18:20,229 --> 00:18:22,188
Christmas, New Year's Eve.
461
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:24,059
And then she asked me
when my birthday was
462
00:18:24,103 --> 00:18:25,408
and scheduled me for that.
463
00:18:25,452 --> 00:18:28,629
Ugh. Oh, honey.
464
00:18:28,672 --> 00:18:31,936
I'm so sorry that my being
honest caused problems for you.
465
00:18:31,980 --> 00:18:34,156
It actually turned out okay once
I took a page from your book
466
00:18:34,200 --> 00:18:35,810
and I just was
honest with her.
Oh.
467
00:18:35,853 --> 00:18:36,941
I explained that you're
living by the Bible
468
00:18:36,985 --> 00:18:38,204
and that you had
to tell the truth.
469
00:18:38,247 --> 00:18:40,119
Hey, nice.
And she respected it?
470
00:18:40,162 --> 00:18:42,382
[laughs]: No.
471
00:18:42,425 --> 00:18:43,905
We started
making fun of you
472
00:18:43,948 --> 00:18:45,733
and it really brought
us closer together.
473
00:18:47,256 --> 00:18:48,301
She changed the
schedule back.
474
00:18:48,344 --> 00:18:49,432
Oh!
Yeah.
475
00:18:49,476 --> 00:18:50,477
[sighs]
476
00:18:50,520 --> 00:18:52,087
Also, you're now
known as Weird Chip.
477
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,263
[laughs]
478
00:18:54,307 --> 00:18:55,873
So, um, now that
you're on this
479
00:18:55,917 --> 00:18:58,528
total honesty thing, I've
got a few questions for you.
480
00:18:58,572 --> 00:19:01,749
Oh, boy.
481
00:19:03,403 --> 00:19:05,144
Do you really think
I'm a good dancer?
482
00:19:05,187 --> 00:19:06,362
[sighs]
483
00:19:06,406 --> 00:19:08,582
The worst.
You ruin weddings.
484
00:19:08,625 --> 00:19:10,584
[scoffs]
485
00:19:10,627 --> 00:19:12,934
Do you really think
that my feet are cute?
486
00:19:12,977 --> 00:19:16,198
Yes, if you were a hobbit.
487
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:20,463
Hey. Okay, last question.
488
00:19:20,507 --> 00:19:22,944
Have you ever wanted to be
with anyone else but me?
489
00:19:22,987 --> 00:19:25,555
Not even for a second.
490
00:19:25,599 --> 00:19:27,601
[chuckles]
491
00:19:30,212 --> 00:19:31,387
And if it makes you
feel any better,
492
00:19:31,431 --> 00:19:32,867
your hot sister
has ugly feet, too.
493
00:19:42,833 --> 00:19:47,011
Ladies and gentlemen, may I
have your attention, please?
494
00:19:47,055 --> 00:19:49,884
Put your hands together
for the...
495
00:19:49,927 --> 00:19:53,017
"Gil-ty Pleasures."
496
00:19:53,061 --> 00:19:55,585
Seriously?
497
00:19:55,629 --> 00:19:58,632
All right, now, I can't lie,
so you're gonna have to tell Gil
498
00:19:58,675 --> 00:20:00,590
that we liked this
once it's over.
Mm-hmm.
499
00:20:00,634 --> 00:20:02,462
[blows pitch pipe]
500
00:20:02,505 --> 00:20:06,814
♪ Meet me up here.
501
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:09,773
Mm.
Oh, yeah. I'm gonna have
to lie hard on this one.
502
00:20:09,817 --> 00:20:11,949
♪ Buffalo gals, can't you
come out tonight? ♪
503
00:20:11,993 --> 00:20:14,213
♪ Come out tonight,
come out tonight ♪
504
00:20:14,256 --> 00:20:16,824
♪ Buffalo gals, can't you
come out tonight ♪
505
00:20:16,867 --> 00:20:19,957
♪ And... dance
506
00:20:20,001 --> 00:20:24,135
♪ By the light... of the moon
507
00:20:24,179 --> 00:20:26,007
♪ By the light
508
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:29,663
♪ Of the moon.
509
00:20:31,665 --> 00:20:33,406
[whoops]
Hey.
510
00:20:36,147 --> 00:20:38,889
Hey, that was awesome, man.
Truly.
511
00:20:38,933 --> 00:20:41,501
I'm glad you liked it because
there are three more hours
512
00:20:41,544 --> 00:20:44,199
of pure barbershop heat
still to come! [laughs]
513
00:20:45,244 --> 00:20:47,376
Just smash this over
my head, please.
514
00:20:47,420 --> 00:20:49,204
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
515
00:20:52,599 --> 00:20:55,602
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
37190
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