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1
00:00:01,827 --> 00:00:04,917
My name is Chip. Life's been
knocking me on my butt lately.
2
00:00:04,961 --> 00:00:06,223
My best friend died
out of nowhere.
3
00:00:06,267 --> 00:00:08,704
Oh, I'm really
gonna miss you, Ray.
4
00:00:08,747 --> 00:00:11,707
And my wife, well...
Your girl's pregnant.
5
00:00:11,750 --> 00:00:13,361
I hadn't opened a Bible
in 20 years,
6
00:00:13,404 --> 00:00:15,798
but it's helped so many,
and I needed help.
7
00:00:15,841 --> 00:00:17,234
I've decided to live my life
8
00:00:17,278 --> 00:00:19,410
100% by the Bible.
9
00:00:19,454 --> 00:00:21,412
To the letter.
[laughs]
10
00:00:21,456 --> 00:00:22,805
I get that reaction a lot.
11
00:00:22,848 --> 00:00:25,025
But with the help
of my God Squad,
12
00:00:25,068 --> 00:00:27,592
I'm becoming a better man,
one verse at a time.
13
00:00:27,636 --> 00:00:30,726
I am living biblically.
14
00:00:33,207 --> 00:00:35,339
Okay, round seven of
my new favorite game:
15
00:00:35,383 --> 00:00:37,776
"Bible Laws:
Real or Fake?"
16
00:00:37,820 --> 00:00:39,822
[chuckles]
17
00:00:39,865 --> 00:00:41,345
So far, Gene and Gil
are in the lead.
18
00:00:41,389 --> 00:00:43,347
And Vince is in last place
because his answer to
19
00:00:43,391 --> 00:00:47,221
every question is: "I hate this
game. I don't want to play."
20
00:00:47,264 --> 00:00:49,484
When you asked me to come
to the bar to watch the game,
21
00:00:49,527 --> 00:00:50,441
I didn't think
you meant this game.
22
00:00:50,485 --> 00:00:52,182
Hey.
23
00:00:52,226 --> 00:00:54,271
What are you doing?
Those are for the winners.
24
00:00:54,315 --> 00:00:56,099
We're playing Bible games
in a bar.
25
00:00:56,143 --> 00:00:57,274
There are no winners here.
26
00:00:57,318 --> 00:00:59,494
[sighs] Okay.
27
00:00:59,537 --> 00:01:02,279
Real or fake?
28
00:01:02,323 --> 00:01:06,283
"A man may not enter into
the congregation of the Lord
29
00:01:06,327 --> 00:01:08,285
"if his berries--
huh-- are crushed
30
00:01:08,329 --> 00:01:10,853
and his twig--
uh-oh-- is cut off."
31
00:01:11,897 --> 00:01:13,986
I know this, I know this.
Uh, ding!
32
00:01:14,030 --> 00:01:15,727
Uh, real law.
33
00:01:15,771 --> 00:01:19,079
Deuteronomy,
chapter 23, verse 2.
34
00:01:19,122 --> 00:01:20,776
Weird, but real!
35
00:01:20,819 --> 00:01:21,994
[laughs]
36
00:01:22,038 --> 00:01:24,345
It's a wild book!
37
00:01:24,388 --> 00:01:25,998
All right, point for
Gene; take a shot.
38
00:01:26,042 --> 00:01:29,741
All right, so now we
only have two shots left,
39
00:01:29,785 --> 00:01:32,483
which means only two
questions remain.
40
00:01:32,527 --> 00:01:34,311
Thank God.
41
00:01:34,355 --> 00:01:37,358
First one is, oh,
an eight-parter.
42
00:01:41,449 --> 00:01:43,015
Game over.
43
00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:46,323
Well, I guess
that means I win.
44
00:01:46,367 --> 00:01:49,674
Don't mean to brag, Gil,
but you suck and I'm the best.
45
00:01:49,718 --> 00:01:52,808
You're lucky we're not playing
a game of "Who Has Hair?"
46
00:01:55,550 --> 00:01:56,551
All right, guys.
47
00:01:56,594 --> 00:01:57,813
Oh, uh, Chip,
48
00:01:57,856 --> 00:01:59,336
before you go,
every year, the church
49
00:01:59,380 --> 00:02:02,165
hosts a group of high schoolers
from the Big Brother program
50
00:02:02,209 --> 00:02:03,732
to talk to them
about faith.
Mm-hmm.
51
00:02:03,775 --> 00:02:06,822
How would you feel about
being our guest speaker?
52
00:02:06,865 --> 00:02:08,824
Wow.
53
00:02:08,867 --> 00:02:10,347
[laughs]
54
00:02:10,391 --> 00:02:12,349
Geez. I mean...
55
00:02:12,393 --> 00:02:14,786
Wow, man.
56
00:02:14,830 --> 00:02:16,397
That's Chip for yes.
57
00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,704
I'm gonna go throw up.
58
00:02:23,360 --> 00:02:24,883
Gene really thinks
I'm gonna be able
59
00:02:24,927 --> 00:02:27,059
to make a difference
with these kids.
60
00:02:27,103 --> 00:02:29,932
Like, the vibe I'm getting is-is
that I'd be teaching them,
61
00:02:29,975 --> 00:02:33,370
but in some weird way,
they'd also be teaching me.
62
00:02:33,414 --> 00:02:35,546
This isn't gonna be
one of those things
63
00:02:35,590 --> 00:02:37,461
where you rap the Bible, is it?
64
00:02:37,505 --> 00:02:39,855
Well, not now.
65
00:02:41,422 --> 00:02:43,163
[phone rings]
66
00:02:44,468 --> 00:02:46,992
It's my dad.
67
00:02:47,036 --> 00:02:48,994
Hey, Dad.
68
00:02:49,038 --> 00:02:50,866
Oh, you're coming to town
on business, huh?
69
00:02:50,909 --> 00:02:53,738
Oh, but you're
staying at a hotel?
70
00:02:53,782 --> 00:02:54,957
Ah.
71
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,219
You'd like to swing by?
72
00:02:56,263 --> 00:02:58,047
No...
[mouthing]
73
00:02:58,090 --> 00:03:00,092
[both mouthing]
74
00:03:00,136 --> 00:03:02,225
[muttering]
75
00:03:02,269 --> 00:03:05,576
Okay. Dad, yeah, sure.
Go ahead, swing by.
76
00:03:05,620 --> 00:03:07,622
All right.
See you then.
77
00:03:07,665 --> 00:03:09,928
He's downstairs.
78
00:03:09,972 --> 00:03:12,714
What business does
a meat wholesaler from Texas
79
00:03:12,757 --> 00:03:14,106
have in New York?
80
00:03:14,150 --> 00:03:15,586
I don't know, but...
81
00:03:15,630 --> 00:03:17,936
if you want to take the
fire escape, I will help you.
82
00:03:17,980 --> 00:03:20,591
Chip, I can handle him.
I just hate what he does to you.
83
00:03:20,635 --> 00:03:22,550
You turn into a giant
stress ball when he's here.
84
00:03:22,593 --> 00:03:24,421
I do not.
[breathes deeply]
85
00:03:24,465 --> 00:03:26,597
Please tell me
that your mom is with him.
86
00:03:26,641 --> 00:03:28,338
She at least
keeps him in check.
87
00:03:28,382 --> 00:03:30,297
She didn't come.
88
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:33,169
Oh, no. Oh, no.
I'm the buffer?
89
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:35,215
I don't want to buff!
90
00:03:35,258 --> 00:03:37,217
[doorbell rings]
91
00:03:43,832 --> 00:03:46,269
There's the pretty lady!
92
00:03:48,663 --> 00:03:50,665
And his wife, too.
93
00:03:50,708 --> 00:03:52,623
[laughs]
94
00:03:52,667 --> 00:03:55,060
Dad, could you please
not smoke that?
95
00:03:55,104 --> 00:03:56,627
You know Leslie's pregnant.
96
00:03:56,671 --> 00:03:58,020
Oh, right.
97
00:03:58,063 --> 00:04:01,676
I meant to say happy...
baby or whatever. Yeah.
98
00:04:01,719 --> 00:04:03,678
Yeah, we got your
"thumbs up" text.
99
00:04:03,721 --> 00:04:05,593
Could you please just
put the cigar out?
100
00:04:05,636 --> 00:04:07,377
Oh, this generation
101
00:04:07,421 --> 00:04:09,684
and their "no smoking
around pregnant people."
102
00:04:09,727 --> 00:04:12,600
I used to smoke around your mom
the whole time she was pregnant,
103
00:04:12,643 --> 00:04:14,210
and you turned
out just...
104
00:04:14,254 --> 00:04:15,951
Well, maybe it
is a good rule.
105
00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:22,000
Hey, can you believe
I'm gonna be a grandpa?
106
00:04:22,044 --> 00:04:24,438
[laughs]:
I try not to think about it.
107
00:04:32,620 --> 00:04:34,099
I don't know how
I'm gonna deal with
108
00:04:34,143 --> 00:04:35,666
my dad in town
for three days.
109
00:04:35,710 --> 00:04:39,235
I am a grown man, and he gave me
a wedgie last night.
110
00:04:40,715 --> 00:04:42,804
I mean, the man is egotistical,
he is selfish...
111
00:04:42,847 --> 00:04:44,762
He named you "Chip."
112
00:04:45,981 --> 00:04:47,809
Gil, the man
came to us for help,
113
00:04:47,852 --> 00:04:49,071
and Chip is
just a nickname.
114
00:04:49,114 --> 00:04:50,115
No, it's not.
115
00:04:51,465 --> 00:04:53,423
It's my actual name.
116
00:04:53,467 --> 00:04:54,685
Oh, boy.
117
00:04:55,904 --> 00:04:57,514
Well, I hate to say it,
118
00:04:57,558 --> 00:05:01,692
but the Bible's so clear on dads
it's literally etched in stone.
119
00:05:01,736 --> 00:05:03,433
You got to honor thy father.
120
00:05:03,477 --> 00:05:04,695
Ugh.
121
00:05:04,739 --> 00:05:06,436
Well, I know what I'd do.
122
00:05:06,480 --> 00:05:08,699
But sadly the Bible has
no Gospel of Vince.
123
00:05:08,743 --> 00:05:10,875
Because my chapter 1,
verse 1 would be:
124
00:05:10,919 --> 00:05:13,487
"If your father's a turd,
kick him to the curb."
125
00:05:13,530 --> 00:05:17,404
[chuckles] See, this is a
gospel I can get behind.
126
00:05:17,447 --> 00:05:18,796
What would,
uh, verse 2 be?
127
00:05:18,840 --> 00:05:20,972
"If he won't go home,
punch him in the dome."
128
00:05:21,016 --> 00:05:22,713
[laughter]
129
00:05:22,757 --> 00:05:24,019
Does your
whole gospel rhyme?
130
00:05:24,062 --> 00:05:26,935
Only did two.
But thus far, it do.
131
00:05:28,937 --> 00:05:30,634
Might I, uh, try one?
132
00:05:30,678 --> 00:05:32,070
Yeah? [clears throat] Okay.
133
00:05:32,114 --> 00:05:34,769
"Uh, I'm starting
a Gospel of Gil,
134
00:05:34,812 --> 00:05:37,859
"that also rhymes, uh...
135
00:05:37,902 --> 00:05:39,339
as well."
136
00:05:40,688 --> 00:05:42,864
It's close.
Come back to me.
137
00:05:44,735 --> 00:05:45,997
Look, there's got to be
138
00:05:46,041 --> 00:05:47,608
some kind of loophole
to "honor thy father."
139
00:05:47,651 --> 00:05:49,174
I mean, what are you supposed
to do if your dad's a jerk?
140
00:05:49,218 --> 00:05:50,741
You honor him.
141
00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:52,221
But honoring someone
doesn't mean
142
00:05:52,264 --> 00:05:54,745
you have to be best friends
or even respect them.
143
00:05:54,789 --> 00:05:56,921
There's some good
in everyone, Chip.
144
00:05:56,965 --> 00:05:59,359
Maybe spend some time with him
and you'll find it.
145
00:06:00,838 --> 00:06:02,187
There's got to be something
that you used to do
146
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:03,188
with your dad that was fun.
147
00:06:03,232 --> 00:06:04,799
Well, he used to
take me bowling.
148
00:06:04,842 --> 00:06:06,061
I guess that was fun.
149
00:06:06,104 --> 00:06:07,367
I got it.
150
00:06:07,410 --> 00:06:11,675
"If your dad is bad
151
00:06:11,719 --> 00:06:14,591
and it makes you so mad..."
152
00:06:14,635 --> 00:06:17,507
Uh...
153
00:06:20,467 --> 00:06:23,600
Well, it's 'cause you're
looking at me. I'll get it.
154
00:06:27,256 --> 00:06:29,258
Hey. Why aren't
you at work?
155
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:30,999
I am.
I'm on call this week.
156
00:06:31,042 --> 00:06:32,957
Sir, just relax.
157
00:06:33,001 --> 00:06:36,004
No one has ever died
from being too stoned.
158
00:06:37,309 --> 00:06:39,355
I promise,
you're alive, sir.
159
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,968
Because I'm talking to you.
160
00:06:44,012 --> 00:06:45,883
Well, guess what.
161
00:06:45,927 --> 00:06:48,451
I found the perfect way
to honor my father.
162
00:06:48,495 --> 00:06:49,800
You bought him
a plane ticket home?
163
00:06:49,844 --> 00:06:51,628
[laughs]
164
00:06:51,672 --> 00:06:52,977
No, I'm gonna take him bowling.
165
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,544
Oh.
You know? Be nice.
166
00:06:54,588 --> 00:06:55,850
Get a little
father-son time together, right?
167
00:06:55,893 --> 00:06:57,417
And I left myself
168
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:59,854
plenty of time to work on
my speech before he gets here.
169
00:06:59,897 --> 00:07:02,378
[rhythmic knock on door]
170
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,424
Unless he shows up
four hours early
171
00:07:04,467 --> 00:07:06,817
'cause he's on "Ron Time!"
172
00:07:06,861 --> 00:07:08,123
[sighs]
173
00:07:10,995 --> 00:07:12,519
[sighs]
174
00:07:12,562 --> 00:07:14,999
Please, God, give me
the strength to honor my father.
175
00:07:15,043 --> 00:07:16,479
Amen.
176
00:07:18,133 --> 00:07:20,352
Also, will you please change who
he is fundamentally as a person?
177
00:07:20,396 --> 00:07:21,397
Thanks so much.
178
00:07:23,225 --> 00:07:24,879
Panty police!
You're under arrest.
179
00:07:24,922 --> 00:07:25,967
Ah.
180
00:07:26,010 --> 00:07:28,186
It's funnier
without the real guns.
181
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:29,666
[chuckles]
182
00:07:29,710 --> 00:07:32,974
Yeah, they wouldn't let me
bring them on the plane.
183
00:07:33,017 --> 00:07:34,628
What are you
doing here so early?
184
00:07:34,671 --> 00:07:37,500
Ah, you know,
I'm on "Ron Time."
185
00:07:37,544 --> 00:07:39,023
[forced chuckle]
186
00:07:41,025 --> 00:07:43,201
Yeah, I thought you said
you had meat meetings today.
187
00:07:43,245 --> 00:07:44,594
Normally I do.
188
00:07:44,638 --> 00:07:46,988
You know the old expression,
"meat never sleeps."
189
00:07:47,031 --> 00:07:49,033
Never heard that one before.
190
00:07:49,077 --> 00:07:50,644
[chuckles]
191
00:07:50,687 --> 00:07:52,994
I canceled them all just to
have a little QT with my boy.
192
00:07:53,037 --> 00:07:54,996
Oh. Well, that's nice,
but I told you
193
00:07:55,039 --> 00:07:57,912
I got to spend some time on that
speech for the Big Brother kids.
194
00:07:57,955 --> 00:07:59,000
Don't mind me.
195
00:07:59,043 --> 00:08:00,871
I'll just quietly
read the paper
196
00:08:00,915 --> 00:08:02,699
till you're done.
Oh.
197
00:08:02,743 --> 00:08:05,180
Well, great.
198
00:08:05,223 --> 00:08:06,529
I, uh...
199
00:08:06,573 --> 00:08:08,400
appreciate you
respecting my needs.
200
00:08:08,444 --> 00:08:09,619
Mm-hmm.
201
00:08:09,663 --> 00:08:13,014
[sighs]
202
00:08:13,057 --> 00:08:14,058
Oh, wow.
203
00:08:15,582 --> 00:08:17,497
Wow.
204
00:08:18,889 --> 00:08:20,717
Just hand the jobs to China.
205
00:08:20,761 --> 00:08:22,502
Not like we need them.
206
00:08:24,765 --> 00:08:25,722
Meanwhile,
us Baby Boomers
207
00:08:25,766 --> 00:08:27,463
end up living off dog food.
208
00:08:27,507 --> 00:08:29,247
All right,
you know what?
209
00:08:29,291 --> 00:08:31,380
I'm gonna go work on this
in my room, okay?
210
00:08:31,423 --> 00:08:33,948
[phone ringing]
211
00:08:36,037 --> 00:08:36,907
Y'ello.
212
00:08:36,951 --> 00:08:40,171
Yes, this is the doctor's phone.
213
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:42,565
What's the issue?
214
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:44,001
Oh, I-I don't do lady parts.
215
00:08:44,045 --> 00:08:45,916
Well, I do them, but...
216
00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:47,918
That's my work phone!
217
00:08:47,962 --> 00:08:49,659
Hello? I'm so sorry.
218
00:08:49,703 --> 00:08:50,617
Dad!
219
00:08:51,313 --> 00:08:52,923
All right, you know what?
220
00:08:52,967 --> 00:08:54,098
Forget the speech.
221
00:08:54,142 --> 00:08:55,926
Let's get out of here.
Come on.
222
00:08:55,970 --> 00:08:57,275
This will be good, you know?
223
00:08:57,319 --> 00:08:58,842
We haven't had
father-son time together
224
00:08:58,886 --> 00:08:59,974
since that Bob Seger concert.
225
00:09:00,017 --> 00:09:01,497
Oh, boy!
226
00:09:01,541 --> 00:09:03,455
I was running against the
wind that night, wasn't I?
227
00:09:03,499 --> 00:09:04,979
[laughs]:
Yeah, you sure were.
228
00:09:05,022 --> 00:09:06,894
Yes, I had to drive us home,
as I recall.
229
00:09:06,937 --> 00:09:09,940
Yeah, you accidentally took us
through a golf course, too.
230
00:09:09,984 --> 00:09:11,551
You never were
a good driver.
231
00:09:11,594 --> 00:09:13,335
[forced laugh]
I was 12.
232
00:09:20,168 --> 00:09:22,649
[bowling pins clatter]
Ah.
233
00:09:22,692 --> 00:09:25,129
Well, thanks for coming, buddy.
234
00:09:25,173 --> 00:09:27,567
I need all the help I can
get honoring my father.
235
00:09:27,610 --> 00:09:28,916
Nah, you got it.
236
00:09:28,959 --> 00:09:30,308
He is a character.
[chuckles]
237
00:09:30,352 --> 00:09:33,877
Very weird how he stole
that kid's birthday cake.
238
00:09:33,921 --> 00:09:36,924
I don't know why that kid
was crying; this cake sucks.
239
00:09:40,057 --> 00:09:42,494
Let me help you out with
your big speech, Chip.
240
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:45,889
As a meat wholesaler, I've given
a few speeches over my career.
241
00:09:46,934 --> 00:09:48,718
They were rare,
but always well done.
242
00:09:49,763 --> 00:09:51,068
Little meat humor for you.
243
00:09:51,112 --> 00:09:54,071
[bowling pins clatter]
Ooh! Strike!
244
00:09:54,115 --> 00:09:55,507
We're not clapping for strikes?
245
00:09:55,551 --> 00:09:59,250
Man, y'all are mean.
246
00:09:59,294 --> 00:10:01,035
Listen.
247
00:10:01,078 --> 00:10:03,994
I find every good speech
has personal stories in it.
248
00:10:04,038 --> 00:10:05,648
Relate to them.
249
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:07,345
Why don't you do something like
250
00:10:07,389 --> 00:10:09,347
that "Love Thy Neighbor" column
you wrote?
251
00:10:09,391 --> 00:10:11,219
You read my column?
252
00:10:11,262 --> 00:10:15,179
[bowling pins clatter]
Oh! Strike two!
253
00:10:15,223 --> 00:10:16,354
Nothing?
254
00:10:16,398 --> 00:10:18,618
I clapped for you
when you rolled a six.
255
00:10:20,489 --> 00:10:22,926
Too late, Chip.
256
00:10:22,970 --> 00:10:24,319
I need another drink.
257
00:10:24,362 --> 00:10:26,364
It's got to be
"Ron o'clock" somewhere.
258
00:10:26,408 --> 00:10:29,150
Hey.
259
00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:30,673
I can't believe
he's actually trying
260
00:10:30,717 --> 00:10:32,109
to help me
with my speech.
261
00:10:32,153 --> 00:10:34,198
I mean, the man has never
helped me with anything.
262
00:10:34,242 --> 00:10:36,548
I didn't learn how to tie
my shoes till I was 13.
263
00:10:36,592 --> 00:10:39,116
I feel like that one's
on you, Chip.
264
00:10:41,249 --> 00:10:44,731
I don't know, he bought me
six rum and Cokes.
265
00:10:44,774 --> 00:10:47,168
And he won me this stuffed koala
from the claw machine.
266
00:10:47,211 --> 00:10:48,865
First try.
267
00:10:48,909 --> 00:10:52,260
Maybe you don't have to look so
hard to find some good in him.
268
00:10:52,303 --> 00:10:53,870
There she is!
269
00:10:53,914 --> 00:10:56,307
Why don't you put those puppies
right over here on the table.
270
00:10:56,351 --> 00:10:58,135
[chuckles]
Yeah, the drinks, too.
271
00:11:04,185 --> 00:11:06,578
[chuckles]
272
00:11:06,622 --> 00:11:08,711
Dad, come on, man.
273
00:11:08,755 --> 00:11:10,060
What the hell
are you doing?
274
00:11:10,104 --> 00:11:11,845
I don't think Mom
would appreciate that.
275
00:11:11,888 --> 00:11:13,063
[sighs]
276
00:11:13,107 --> 00:11:15,196
All right.
277
00:11:15,239 --> 00:11:17,154
So, I'm not here
on business.
278
00:11:17,198 --> 00:11:18,547
This may come
as a shock,
279
00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:20,201
but there's no such
thing as meat meetings.
280
00:11:20,244 --> 00:11:23,073
Yeah, that didn't
sound real to me.
281
00:11:23,117 --> 00:11:26,424
I was waiting for the right
time to tell you this, Chip,
282
00:11:26,468 --> 00:11:29,732
and since this waitress seems
to want to hop on the Ron Train,
283
00:11:29,776 --> 00:11:31,081
it's the right time.
284
00:11:31,125 --> 00:11:32,735
Your mother and I
are getting divorced.
285
00:11:32,779 --> 00:11:34,694
Whoa!
286
00:11:44,181 --> 00:11:47,315
Well, just got off
the phone with Mom.
287
00:11:47,358 --> 00:11:49,796
Turns out I'm far angrier
than she is.
288
00:11:49,839 --> 00:11:52,059
She said the divorce
is a relief.
289
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:54,670
Then she proceeded to tell me
the longest story in history
290
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:57,020
about her neighbor's rabbit.
291
00:11:57,064 --> 00:11:59,283
Well, what's the
CliffsNotes version?
292
00:11:59,327 --> 00:12:00,937
Her neighbor has a rabbit.
293
00:12:03,113 --> 00:12:05,986
[sighs]
Can't believe this.
294
00:12:06,029 --> 00:12:07,901
I got to go
to two Christmases now.
295
00:12:07,944 --> 00:12:10,077
I'm gonna have to meet
some new stepmom named Dakota
296
00:12:10,120 --> 00:12:11,774
who kisses me on the lips.
297
00:12:11,818 --> 00:12:13,994
Dakota better not.
298
00:12:14,037 --> 00:12:16,692
Right when I thought my dad
and I were making progress,
299
00:12:16,736 --> 00:12:19,477
you know, he goes and drops
this divorce news on me.
300
00:12:19,521 --> 00:12:21,175
How am I gonna give
this speech to these kids
301
00:12:21,218 --> 00:12:22,698
about my quest
to live by the Bible
302
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:25,179
when I can't even
honor my own father?
303
00:12:25,222 --> 00:12:28,312
[sighs] Maybe I should
just call Gene and cancel.
304
00:12:28,356 --> 00:12:32,055
Tell him his keynote speaker
is more like his keynote loser.
305
00:12:32,099 --> 00:12:34,884
Chip, except for
what you just said,
306
00:12:34,928 --> 00:12:36,277
you're an
incredible writer.
307
00:12:37,974 --> 00:12:40,020
You have a lot of
wisdom to share.
308
00:12:41,717 --> 00:12:43,414
You're right.
309
00:12:43,458 --> 00:12:45,460
I'm gonna be
a good talker person.
310
00:12:47,027 --> 00:12:50,247
You should really get
working on that speech.
311
00:12:57,211 --> 00:12:59,213
You going over your speech?
312
00:12:59,256 --> 00:13:01,432
Yeah. Here.
I was up all night.
313
00:13:01,476 --> 00:13:04,174
"Hi, kids, I'm Chip."
314
00:13:04,218 --> 00:13:05,872
And then on the back,
you've drawn,
315
00:13:05,915 --> 00:13:07,917
like, a hundred smiley faces.
316
00:13:07,961 --> 00:13:10,964
Oh, no, that's upside down.
They're sad faces.
317
00:13:11,007 --> 00:13:12,356
I am so screwed.
318
00:13:12,400 --> 00:13:14,141
Heads up, Chip.
Your dad's here.
319
00:13:14,184 --> 00:13:16,752
He's at your
nine o'clock.
320
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,536
I'm sorry, your three o'clock.
That's my nine o'clock.
321
00:13:18,580 --> 00:13:19,929
Actually, he's at
our six o'clock.
322
00:13:19,973 --> 00:13:21,452
He's walking here right now.
Oh, he's here.
323
00:13:21,496 --> 00:13:24,412
I'm talking to him right now.
Hi, Ron. How are you?
Hi.
324
00:13:25,892 --> 00:13:28,155
Didn't want to miss the speech
I helped you write.
325
00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:31,201
I thought you were with,
uh, what's-her-name.
326
00:13:31,245 --> 00:13:33,203
I have no idea
what her name is.
327
00:13:33,247 --> 00:13:36,032
I put her in my phone
as "Boobs," 'cause--
328
00:13:36,076 --> 00:13:38,252
Well, you saw 'em.
329
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:43,387
Do you feel any
shame at all?
330
00:13:43,431 --> 00:13:46,042
I'm not sure I understand
what you're insinuating.
331
00:13:46,086 --> 00:13:48,044
Let me spell it
out for you.
332
00:13:48,088 --> 00:13:52,048
Do you feel any shame at all for
the type of father that you are?
333
00:13:52,092 --> 00:13:56,226
Do I feel shame
for providing you
334
00:13:56,270 --> 00:13:58,968
with 18 years of food,
shelter and guidance?
335
00:13:59,012 --> 00:14:00,927
[chuckles] No.
336
00:14:00,970 --> 00:14:03,668
Guidance? That's
how you see it?
337
00:14:03,712 --> 00:14:05,409
You were never
even there.
338
00:14:05,453 --> 00:14:08,412
And even when you were
there, you were never there.
339
00:14:08,456 --> 00:14:11,459
You sure as hell weren't
gonna get any morals from me,
340
00:14:11,502 --> 00:14:13,765
so I figured
I'd let the church do it.
341
00:14:15,332 --> 00:14:17,900
Hell, I had you
when I was 19.
342
00:14:17,944 --> 00:14:19,380
Did the best I could.
343
00:14:19,423 --> 00:14:22,165
That was your best? Wow.
344
00:14:22,209 --> 00:14:25,168
You know, most dads don't teach
their kids how to ride a bike
345
00:14:25,212 --> 00:14:27,257
by tying the handlebars
to the back of a car
346
00:14:27,301 --> 00:14:28,998
and then driving it
around the neighborhood.
347
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:31,131
Yet you learned real fast,
didn't you?
348
00:14:33,176 --> 00:14:36,397
Look, if you don't like
what I did, fine.
349
00:14:36,440 --> 00:14:37,833
Do something different.
350
00:14:40,401 --> 00:14:43,404
[clears throat]
Uh, it is my pleasure
351
00:14:43,447 --> 00:14:46,276
to bring up
one of my favorite peeps.
352
00:14:47,843 --> 00:14:49,801
He's, uh, he's extreme.
353
00:14:49,845 --> 00:14:52,065
Huh?
354
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:53,457
Pretty dope, right, guys?
355
00:14:54,850 --> 00:14:58,636
Now I came here in person,
which I didn't have to do,
356
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:01,161
to tell you about
your mother and me.
357
00:15:01,204 --> 00:15:05,078
I told you, so...
I guess that's it.
358
00:15:07,123 --> 00:15:08,908
Yep, I guess so.
359
00:15:10,910 --> 00:15:14,522
He's the only cat I know
trying to live his life
360
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:17,220
100% according
to the Bible.
361
00:15:17,264 --> 00:15:21,572
He's, uh, very fresh and very,
uh, Gangnam Style, I think...
362
00:15:21,616 --> 00:15:23,879
All right.
Okay. Uh, Mr. Chip Curry.
363
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:24,924
Chip Curry.
364
00:15:27,274 --> 00:15:29,319
Thank you.
365
00:15:29,363 --> 00:15:30,364
Um...
366
00:15:30,407 --> 00:15:33,802
[paper rustling]
367
00:15:33,845 --> 00:15:35,543
[sighs]:
Oh, boy.
368
00:15:37,023 --> 00:15:38,285
Yes. A question. Thank you.
369
00:15:38,328 --> 00:15:41,114
Um, Father Gene said
you threw a rock at a guy.
370
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:44,160
So I guess my question is:
371
00:15:44,204 --> 00:15:46,206
Did you really
throw a rock at a guy?
372
00:15:46,249 --> 00:15:49,339
[chuckles] I did, yes.
373
00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:51,167
That's so cool!
374
00:15:51,211 --> 00:15:53,300
[laughs] Thanks.
375
00:15:53,343 --> 00:15:56,303
Um...
376
00:15:56,346 --> 00:15:57,913
Well,
377
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,046
Father Gene asked me
to come here today
378
00:16:00,089 --> 00:16:03,223
to talk to you guys about
living by the Bible.
379
00:16:03,266 --> 00:16:06,182
I'll tell you, the Bible's
got a lot of crazy rules in it,
380
00:16:06,226 --> 00:16:08,793
like, did you guys know
that you're supposed to blow
381
00:16:08,837 --> 00:16:11,579
a ram's horn
to celebrate a new moon?
382
00:16:11,622 --> 00:16:15,322
That rule is cray-cray,
right? Right, fellas?
383
00:16:15,365 --> 00:16:16,976
[talking quietly]
384
00:16:19,369 --> 00:16:20,631
He's right, though.
385
00:16:20,675 --> 00:16:23,069
It's like, where am I
gonna find a ram's horn?
386
00:16:25,636 --> 00:16:28,204
Uh, but...
387
00:16:28,248 --> 00:16:31,033
really, it's-it's
the more simple rules
388
00:16:31,077 --> 00:16:33,427
that are actually
the hardest to live by.
389
00:16:34,950 --> 00:16:36,256
Like "honor thy father."
390
00:16:36,299 --> 00:16:39,476
I don't have the best
relationship with my dad.
391
00:16:39,520 --> 00:16:42,653
I imagine that's probably the
case for some of you guys.
392
00:16:42,697 --> 00:16:45,439
My dad sucks.
393
00:16:45,482 --> 00:16:47,571
I hear you.
394
00:16:47,615 --> 00:16:49,573
[chuckles]
But the Bible actually says
395
00:16:49,617 --> 00:16:51,401
that we got to honor them.
396
00:16:51,445 --> 00:16:55,057
Right? So, what do you do
if your dad's a jerk?
397
00:16:55,101 --> 00:16:57,712
When all you really
want to do is
398
00:16:57,755 --> 00:17:00,758
get mad and scream in his face.
399
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:07,635
But what you should say...
400
00:17:09,637 --> 00:17:11,595
...is "I forgive you."
401
00:17:14,163 --> 00:17:19,995
Because when we forgive someone,
whether they deserve it or not,
402
00:17:20,039 --> 00:17:22,824
we open up ourselves to healing.
403
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:24,956
And, uh...
404
00:17:25,000 --> 00:17:26,871
then you can really honor them
405
00:17:26,915 --> 00:17:29,700
by not making the same mistakes
that they made.
406
00:17:29,744 --> 00:17:31,354
That's beautiful.
407
00:17:31,398 --> 00:17:33,530
Shh!
408
00:17:33,574 --> 00:17:35,576
I've said one thing.
409
00:17:35,619 --> 00:17:37,839
You've been talking
the whole time.
410
00:17:45,020 --> 00:17:46,978
Now, I know that
living by the Bible
411
00:17:47,022 --> 00:17:50,808
doesn't sound particularly cool.
412
00:17:50,852 --> 00:17:55,900
But, look, just use it
as a general guide, okay?
413
00:17:55,944 --> 00:17:59,078
And take it from me,
it can change your life.
414
00:18:01,645 --> 00:18:04,039
Well, that's, uh, [chuckles]
that's all I got.
415
00:18:04,083 --> 00:18:06,433
All right.
416
00:18:06,476 --> 00:18:07,434
Thanks.
417
00:18:07,477 --> 00:18:08,435
Yes?
418
00:18:08,478 --> 00:18:10,828
How big was the rock?
419
00:18:10,872 --> 00:18:13,222
[chuckles]
It was, it was big.
420
00:18:13,266 --> 00:18:15,485
I mean, it was like...
[exhales sharply] You know?
421
00:18:15,529 --> 00:18:17,052
Don't throw rocks.
422
00:18:22,013 --> 00:18:23,711
That was so awesome.
[chuckles]
423
00:18:25,539 --> 00:18:26,844
I'm so proud of you.
424
00:18:26,888 --> 00:18:28,716
Thank you.
425
00:18:28,759 --> 00:18:31,719
Oh, I love you.
426
00:18:31,762 --> 00:18:33,155
You gave a wonderful speech.
427
00:18:33,199 --> 00:18:34,722
Oh, thanks.
428
00:18:34,765 --> 00:18:36,550
More importantly, you found
a way to honor your father.
429
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,160
GIL: Oh, here
he comes again.
430
00:18:38,204 --> 00:18:40,554
Three o'clock.
Sorry, uh, nine o'clock.
431
00:18:40,597 --> 00:18:41,294
Uh...
[stutters]
432
00:18:41,337 --> 00:18:43,948
R-Ronnie!
433
00:18:43,992 --> 00:18:46,777
So, you called
your old man a jerk.
434
00:18:47,996 --> 00:18:49,084
Oh, it's confession time.
435
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,607
[Gil, Gene and Leslie mumbling]
436
00:18:52,043 --> 00:18:53,523
Look, Dad...
437
00:18:53,567 --> 00:18:57,484
Eh, I'm surprised
you took it so easy on me.
438
00:18:57,527 --> 00:19:00,356
Look, I know I've been a bit
of a screwup over the years,
439
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:03,098
but, hey, like you said,
if I wasn't,
440
00:19:03,142 --> 00:19:05,056
you wouldn't be
half as great a dad
441
00:19:05,100 --> 00:19:07,494
as I know
you're gonna be, so...
442
00:19:07,537 --> 00:19:08,799
you're welcome.
443
00:19:08,843 --> 00:19:11,541
Okay.
444
00:19:11,585 --> 00:19:13,413
[chuckles]
Thanks.
445
00:19:13,456 --> 00:19:15,545
So...
446
00:19:15,589 --> 00:19:17,547
are we good?
447
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:19,723
Not yet.
448
00:19:19,767 --> 00:19:22,422
But... we're better.
449
00:19:22,465 --> 00:19:24,380
[chuckles softly]
450
00:19:24,424 --> 00:19:26,339
I'll take it.
451
00:19:26,382 --> 00:19:27,557
All right.
452
00:19:28,863 --> 00:19:30,386
Ron out.
453
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:49,449
[blowing horn loudly]
454
00:19:52,800 --> 00:19:55,803
[blowing horn loudly]
455
00:19:58,458 --> 00:20:00,199
Are you celebrating
the new moon
456
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,287
or your dad being gone?
457
00:20:01,330 --> 00:20:03,114
Moon. [chuckles]
458
00:20:03,158 --> 00:20:04,725
Yeah, crazy
thought: you know,
459
00:20:04,768 --> 00:20:06,640
I'm actually kind of
glad the old man came.
460
00:20:06,683 --> 00:20:09,120
Think I might have found that
little bit of good in him
461
00:20:09,164 --> 00:20:10,296
that Gene was
talking about.
462
00:20:10,339 --> 00:20:12,254
Crazier thought:
463
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:13,908
maybe you're making him
a better man.
464
00:20:13,951 --> 00:20:15,039
Eh...
465
00:20:15,083 --> 00:20:17,520
[phone rings]
466
00:20:17,564 --> 00:20:19,087
Hello?
467
00:20:19,130 --> 00:20:21,394
Go ahead.
468
00:20:21,437 --> 00:20:24,875
It burns when you urinate? Okay.
469
00:20:24,919 --> 00:20:27,356
Don't be alarmed;
it's scary but very treatable.
470
00:20:27,400 --> 00:20:29,924
Just get yourself
to a clinic ASAP.
471
00:20:29,967 --> 00:20:31,795
It's your dad.
472
00:20:31,839 --> 00:20:33,841
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
473
00:20:39,716 --> 00:20:41,718
Captioned by
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