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1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:04,772
My name is Chip. Life's been
knocking me on my butt lately.
2
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,240
My best friend died
out of nowhere.
3
00:00:06,274 --> 00:00:08,609
Oh, I'm really
gonna miss you, Ray.
4
00:00:08,642 --> 00:00:10,144
And my wife, well...
5
00:00:10,178 --> 00:00:11,612
Your girl's pregnant.
Ah.
6
00:00:11,645 --> 00:00:13,347
I hadn't opened a Bible
in 20 years,
7
00:00:13,381 --> 00:00:14,482
but it's helped so many,
8
00:00:14,515 --> 00:00:15,716
and I needed help.
(chorus sings)
9
00:00:15,749 --> 00:00:17,251
I've decided to live my life
10
00:00:17,285 --> 00:00:19,387
100% by the Bible.
11
00:00:19,420 --> 00:00:21,389
To the letter.
(laughs)
12
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:22,723
I get that reaction a lot.
13
00:00:22,756 --> 00:00:24,125
But with the help
of my God Squad,
14
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,160
I'm becoming a better man,
15
00:00:26,194 --> 00:00:27,528
one verse at a time.
(bell dings)
16
00:00:27,561 --> 00:00:30,631
I am living biblically.
17
00:00:34,502 --> 00:00:36,470
Oh, oh,
18
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:38,472
here I am again.
19
00:00:39,740 --> 00:00:43,444
Ah, the place where
my biblical journey began.
20
00:00:43,477 --> 00:00:45,479
Yes, I did leave here as a boy,
21
00:00:45,513 --> 00:00:47,348
but now the prodigal son
returneth
22
00:00:47,381 --> 00:00:50,384
a completely changed man.
23
00:00:50,418 --> 00:00:52,386
All thanks to you, Gracie.
24
00:00:52,420 --> 00:00:54,222
Who the hell are you?
25
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:55,223
I'm Chip.
26
00:00:55,256 --> 00:00:57,391
I bought the Bible here.
You don't remember me?
27
00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:59,427
You know how many
average-looking white boys
28
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:00,861
I sell books to?
29
00:01:00,894 --> 00:01:03,364
Well, what happened?
Why are you guys closing?
30
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,166
Turns out buying a book online
31
00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,600
is easier
than taking two subways
32
00:01:06,634 --> 00:01:09,370
to a store that smells
like a sauna full of ham.
33
00:01:09,403 --> 00:01:12,140
Gracie, do you have
any Bibles left?
34
00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:13,441
I was reading mine
in my bathroom,
35
00:01:13,474 --> 00:01:15,109
and now my wife
won't let it out of the bathroom
36
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:16,477
because of germies.
37
00:01:16,510 --> 00:01:18,379
You know you a grown man, right?
38
00:01:20,514 --> 00:01:22,116
So, you a Bible reader, huh?
39
00:01:22,150 --> 00:01:24,685
I'm actually living my life
100% by the Bible
40
00:01:24,718 --> 00:01:27,121
to get ready for fatherhood,
and it's going great.
41
00:01:28,222 --> 00:01:29,757
Couple hiccups.
42
00:01:29,790 --> 00:01:31,492
Does your Bible have any advice
43
00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,861
for a woman who is losing
her job, escaped from a cult
44
00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:35,829
and is currently in
the witness protection program?
45
00:01:37,331 --> 00:01:39,367
I mean, is not currently in
46
00:01:39,400 --> 00:01:41,235
the witness protection program?
47
00:01:41,269 --> 00:01:44,172
You know, there is a bar
that I hang out at
48
00:01:44,205 --> 00:01:45,739
with my wife and my priest
and my rabbi.
49
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,441
Sir, this sounds
like the beginning of a joke
50
00:01:47,475 --> 00:01:49,310
I am not going to enjoy.
51
00:01:49,343 --> 00:01:51,679
It's very close,
52
00:01:51,712 --> 00:01:53,714
and they actually are-are
looking for a new bartender.
53
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:54,848
Do you have any experience?
54
00:01:54,882 --> 00:01:56,584
My dad was an alcoholic.
55
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:58,419
Terrific, I'll let them know.
56
00:02:00,521 --> 00:02:01,922
(alarm beeping)
57
00:02:01,955 --> 00:02:03,924
That guy just stole a book.
58
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,226
Aren't you gonna do something?
(beeping stops)
59
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:07,361
Hey. Stop.
60
00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:08,396
Didn't work.
61
00:02:11,699 --> 00:02:13,767
The kid just ran out of there,
62
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,403
and I didn't know what to do.
63
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:17,438
It's like, which Bible rule
trumps the other?
64
00:02:17,471 --> 00:02:19,407
If I tackle him, I'm not
loving thy neighbor,
65
00:02:19,440 --> 00:02:22,476
but I would be stopping a thou
shalt not steal sitch, so...
66
00:02:22,510 --> 00:02:24,812
(exhales) This is not easy.
67
00:02:24,845 --> 00:02:26,414
You know what else is not easy?
68
00:02:26,447 --> 00:02:27,381
Swiping right on Tinder
69
00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:28,782
while your friend drones
on about the Bible.
70
00:02:28,816 --> 00:02:30,518
(chuckles)
71
00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:32,720
Now, do we like Michelle
the paralegal?
Huh.
72
00:02:32,753 --> 00:02:35,523
Or... Aunt Laura?!
How'd she get in there?
73
00:02:36,924 --> 00:02:39,527
Cheryl, this boba tea
you brought me?
74
00:02:39,560 --> 00:02:41,262
No boba.
75
00:02:41,295 --> 00:02:43,864
If you want to kiss up,
get me a boba.
76
00:02:43,897 --> 00:02:45,499
You got it, Ms. Meadows.
77
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:53,774
What're you looking at, Chip?
78
00:02:53,807 --> 00:02:56,444
This merchandise
is not for sale.
79
00:02:56,477 --> 00:02:57,678
I was looking at you
80
00:02:57,711 --> 00:02:59,347
'cause you just stole
that stapler.
81
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,281
Oh, get off your high horse.
82
00:03:00,314 --> 00:03:02,483
You steal office supplies
all the time.
83
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:03,684
She's right.
84
00:03:03,717 --> 00:03:05,419
You painted your bathroom
with Wite-Out.
85
00:03:05,453 --> 00:03:07,821
Okay, yes, I'll admit it.
86
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,458
I have stolen many things
from here over the years.
87
00:03:10,491 --> 00:03:11,959
Including a paper clip chain
88
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,894
that I turned into
a pretty sweet jump rope, but...
89
00:03:13,927 --> 00:03:15,496
I am officially done.
90
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,965
"Stealing"
is too strong of a word.
91
00:03:17,998 --> 00:03:21,369
It implies
we're doing something wrong.
92
00:03:22,370 --> 00:03:24,338
You are. You're stealing.
93
00:03:24,372 --> 00:03:27,007
It's a normal thing.
People take office supplies.
94
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:29,743
It's part of the job.
95
00:03:29,777 --> 00:03:32,613
How's eating that doughnut any
different than ganking a pen?
96
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:33,947
They're both perks of the job.
97
00:03:33,981 --> 00:03:36,417
It's just like...
98
00:03:36,450 --> 00:03:37,918
No, those two things
are pretty much it.
99
00:03:39,587 --> 00:03:40,921
(screams) Son of a...
100
00:03:40,954 --> 00:03:43,991
That's the third
time this month.
101
00:03:44,024 --> 00:03:46,827
If this coffee wasn't black,
I would swear it was racist.
102
00:03:46,860 --> 00:03:49,463
Mmm. You see?
103
00:03:49,497 --> 00:03:51,832
You know what's
happening here, right?
104
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:55,736
You stole, and God just shot
a little squirt of wrath on you.
105
00:03:55,769 --> 00:03:57,938
So you think Jesus came
back to Earth as a...
106
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:00,508
What's this thing called?
Professor Java?
107
00:04:00,541 --> 00:04:02,543
Well, Cheryl out.
108
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,578
Gonna go get Meadows
her precious boba.
109
00:04:09,583 --> 00:04:13,387
Wow. This office
is real lax on the stealing.
110
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:14,455
I mean, look at this.
111
00:04:14,488 --> 00:04:17,491
The security guard is doing it,
for crying out loud.
112
00:04:17,525 --> 00:04:18,559
Excuse me?
113
00:04:20,428 --> 00:04:22,896
I am a fully licensed
security guard,
114
00:04:22,930 --> 00:04:24,665
and I put my money
in the machine,
115
00:04:24,698 --> 00:04:28,569
at which point my salsa-flavored
SunChips refused to fall.
116
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:31,305
Oh, I-I-I didn't...
I didn't think you...
117
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,742
I didn't think
you could hear me.
118
00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:37,044
In the future, let's leave
the theft prevention
119
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:39,680
to the theft prevention
professionals, shall we?
120
00:04:39,713 --> 00:04:42,650
Yes, sir.
121
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:44,818
Oh, but you-you
forgot your SunChips.
122
00:04:44,852 --> 00:04:47,588
I lost my appetite.
123
00:04:56,464 --> 00:04:57,631
(sighs)
124
00:04:58,532 --> 00:05:01,068
Oh, yes, food.
125
00:05:01,101 --> 00:05:02,703
Also, yes, wife. Hey.
126
00:05:02,736 --> 00:05:04,071
Hi.
127
00:05:04,104 --> 00:05:08,376
Uh, how was, uh, physician's
assistant-ing today?
128
00:05:08,409 --> 00:05:10,511
Oh, fantastic.
I did everything a doctor does
129
00:05:10,544 --> 00:05:12,446
for half the pay
and none of the respect.
130
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,014
(laughs)
131
00:05:14,047 --> 00:05:17,818
I picked up a brand-new Bible,
so, as requested,
132
00:05:17,851 --> 00:05:21,088
my bathroom Bible will
stay in the bathroom.
133
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:24,091
Along with my bathroom pretzels.
134
00:05:24,124 --> 00:05:27,795
Throw those away.
135
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,663
Hey, um, I was thinking
after dinner,
136
00:05:29,697 --> 00:05:30,698
maybe you and I can...
137
00:05:30,731 --> 00:05:33,367
Oh, hello. I like
where this is going. Go on.
138
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:36,103
I was gonna say
watch Game of Thrones.
139
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:38,672
That's not what I was thinking,
140
00:05:38,706 --> 00:05:40,674
but, hey, I get to see boobs
either way, so...
141
00:05:40,708 --> 00:05:41,642
Yeah.
142
00:05:41,675 --> 00:05:43,477
Oh. Although...
143
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:45,913
Oh. This is gonna be
a Bible thing, isn't it?
144
00:05:45,946 --> 00:05:48,582
(groans) Well, yeah.
145
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:49,817
Ugh.
Because we didn't pay
for that channel, remember?
146
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:52,986
I just slipped the cable guy $50
to hook us up with the primos.
147
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:54,855
Right, so we paid for it.
(sighs)
148
00:05:54,888 --> 00:05:56,457
Yeah, but we didn't pay
the cable company.
149
00:05:56,490 --> 00:05:57,658
We just paid some guy
150
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:58,726
named Babadook.
151
00:05:59,660 --> 00:06:02,630
Babe, Game of Thrones
is our show.
152
00:06:02,663 --> 00:06:04,398
It's the only one
that we watch together.
153
00:06:04,432 --> 00:06:05,566
Yeah, but that's
only because you refuse
154
00:06:05,599 --> 00:06:07,568
to watch any
of the Housewives.
155
00:06:07,601 --> 00:06:10,738
All they do
is eat brunch and yell.
156
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:15,543
Why don't we just, um,
pony up for the primos?
157
00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,911
We decided not to when we
mapped out our budget, remember?
158
00:06:17,945 --> 00:06:19,647
So we could save up
for baby Shaquille.
159
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:27,421
We're not naming our baby
Shaquille.
160
00:06:29,590 --> 00:06:32,526
Why don't you give up
your daily Starbucks lattes?
161
00:06:32,560 --> 00:06:35,696
But they wake me up
like a delicious alarm.
162
00:06:37,731 --> 00:06:39,833
You could give up
your fancy cheeses.
163
00:06:40,868 --> 00:06:43,637
I'm pregnant.
164
00:06:43,671 --> 00:06:46,640
I can't drink.
165
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:49,042
Cheese is all I have left.
166
00:06:51,078 --> 00:06:53,847
Well, you have me.
167
00:06:53,881 --> 00:06:56,717
You're not cheese, Chip.
168
00:06:58,786 --> 00:07:00,153
You're just a man.
169
00:07:06,627 --> 00:07:09,597
Look, Chip, this is
a very serious issue, and, um,
170
00:07:09,630 --> 00:07:13,200
well, I feel I need to be as
clear as I possibly can be here.
171
00:07:14,802 --> 00:07:16,770
Game of Thrones
is appointment television.
172
00:07:16,804 --> 00:07:19,039
Yes.
(sighs)
173
00:07:19,072 --> 00:07:20,808
You know, it-it's a good show.
174
00:07:20,841 --> 00:07:24,545
I just wish all the characters
had name tags.
175
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:25,879
Oh, no, you-you got
to read all the books.
176
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,080
That's what really helped me.
177
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:31,251
Yeah. Probably not
gonna do that.
178
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:35,188
I already have a long book with
a lot of characters in my life.
179
00:07:35,222 --> 00:07:36,624
CHIP:
Okay.
180
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:39,192
But if-if we're not
paying for the channels,
181
00:07:39,226 --> 00:07:40,894
then we are
stealing, right?
182
00:07:40,928 --> 00:07:44,698
Sure as the Baratheons stole the
Iron Throne from the Targaryens!
183
00:07:45,733 --> 00:07:47,635
Been watching
for seven seasons.
184
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:50,638
Don't know who any
of those people are.
185
00:07:50,671 --> 00:07:52,973
This is on me for
the job hookup.
186
00:07:53,006 --> 00:07:55,809
Oh.
I accidentally dropped
a buffalo wing in it.
187
00:07:55,843 --> 00:08:00,848
You can either see it
as a problem or a future treat.
188
00:08:02,650 --> 00:08:04,051
Gracie, this is
my wife Leslie.
Hi.
189
00:08:04,084 --> 00:08:05,719
And these are my
spiritual advisors--
190
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:06,987
Father Gene,
Rabbi Gil.
191
00:08:07,020 --> 00:08:11,058
Oh, good.
More average-looking dudes.
192
00:08:11,091 --> 00:08:12,726
Average?
193
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:14,528
Not bad! Hey, hey.
194
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:20,067
Okay, so if under-the-table
cable is stealing,
195
00:08:20,100 --> 00:08:23,537
what about when Chip moves down
to better seats at a Mets game?
196
00:08:23,571 --> 00:08:27,240
Mm. Sat next to Pat
Sajak one time.
197
00:08:27,274 --> 00:08:31,178
He was actually wearing a
Wheel of Fortune T-shirt.
198
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:33,581
It's like, "Come on,
we get it, Pat."
199
00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,082
(laughs)
GIL:
See?
200
00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,651
To me, that's
not stealing.
201
00:08:37,685 --> 00:08:39,620
I mean, you bought
a ticket, right?
202
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:40,954
Somebody paid
for those seats.
203
00:08:40,988 --> 00:08:43,857
In my mind, you are safe.
204
00:08:45,593 --> 00:08:48,328
You bought specific seats
for the game.
205
00:08:48,361 --> 00:08:50,631
If you're sitting
in more expensive ones...
206
00:08:50,664 --> 00:08:53,000
ah, it sounds
a little steal-y to me.
207
00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:56,704
Oh, man. I have been stealing
a lot more than I thought.
208
00:08:56,737 --> 00:08:58,606
What do I do?
209
00:08:58,639 --> 00:09:01,575
It's a real quandary.
210
00:09:01,609 --> 00:09:03,677
Oh, wait. No, it's not.
Stop stealing!
211
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,715
Hey, you know, in the shower,
I was thinking
212
00:09:07,748 --> 00:09:09,750
about some of those Bible verses
Father Gene sent me.
213
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:11,118
Really?
Mm-hmm.
214
00:09:11,151 --> 00:09:13,153
Sounded to me like you
were singing Selena Gomez.
215
00:09:13,186 --> 00:09:14,822
(laughs)
216
00:09:14,855 --> 00:09:15,923
It was actually Demi Lovato.
217
00:09:15,956 --> 00:09:18,058
How embarrassing for you.
218
00:09:18,091 --> 00:09:21,028
Okay. Ezekiel 33:15.
219
00:09:21,061 --> 00:09:23,263
"If a wicked man
restores a pledge
220
00:09:23,296 --> 00:09:25,833
"and pays back
what he has taken by robbery,
221
00:09:25,866 --> 00:09:27,801
"none of the sins
that he has committed
222
00:09:27,835 --> 00:09:29,670
shall be remembered
against him."
223
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:32,239
Huh? Bye-bye, sins.
224
00:09:32,272 --> 00:09:34,374
So, I have made a decision.
225
00:09:34,407 --> 00:09:37,310
I am going to return
everything I have ever stolen.
226
00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:38,879
It's all going back.
227
00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,814
Can I get Gene's info?
228
00:09:40,848 --> 00:09:43,083
He needs to stop e-mailing you.
229
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:45,753
Okay.
230
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,822
These scissors,
definitely stole those.
231
00:09:48,856 --> 00:09:51,024
This ream of paper.
232
00:09:51,058 --> 00:09:54,094
This ream of paper.
233
00:09:54,127 --> 00:09:57,330
This ream of paper.
234
00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:00,968
Ah, oh, honey, remember this?
235
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:03,804
Of course.
From the night we first met.
236
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,806
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
237
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:08,275
Spilled my beer all over myself
because some wasted chick
238
00:10:08,308 --> 00:10:10,343
with lipstick on her
teeth bumped into me.
239
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:12,379
Hey, I was buzzed at best.
(chuckles)
240
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,314
And you bumped into me.
241
00:10:14,347 --> 00:10:16,416
Oh, it doesn't matter
who bumped into who.
242
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:18,886
It was the night
that changed my life.
243
00:10:18,919 --> 00:10:20,888
And you bumped into me.
244
00:10:20,921 --> 00:10:24,157
Either way, I love that you took
this mug as a memento.
245
00:10:24,191 --> 00:10:26,259
It shows that you knew
that I was the one
246
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:27,961
from the very beginning.
247
00:10:27,995 --> 00:10:29,697
I sure did.
248
00:10:29,730 --> 00:10:31,799
We'll always have
that magical night.
249
00:10:31,832 --> 00:10:33,801
Mmm.
250
00:10:33,834 --> 00:10:35,335
But, unfortunately,
we won't have the mug
251
00:10:35,368 --> 00:10:37,370
because I stole it from the
bar and it's going back.
252
00:10:47,114 --> 00:10:48,849
Well, well, well.
253
00:10:50,317 --> 00:10:52,853
What's going on here?
254
00:10:52,886 --> 00:10:54,988
I am just returning
some office supplies.
255
00:10:55,022 --> 00:10:57,024
Mm-hmm.
256
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:05,833
So you came to work,
an hour early,
257
00:11:05,866 --> 00:11:08,401
with a hefty bag,
258
00:11:08,435 --> 00:11:11,671
so that you could
return office supplies?
259
00:11:13,106 --> 00:11:15,976
You must think I was
born yesterday.
260
00:11:16,009 --> 00:11:19,079
I don't think
you were born yesterday.
261
00:11:19,112 --> 00:11:21,248
Well, I was.
262
00:11:22,950 --> 00:11:24,217
Yesterday was my birthday.
263
00:11:24,251 --> 00:11:26,920
Oh.
264
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:29,890
And I didn't see
your name on the card.
265
00:11:29,923 --> 00:11:32,726
Yes. Okay, look,
I realize this looks suspicious,
266
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,862
but I'm actually living
by the Bible.
267
00:11:34,895 --> 00:11:36,496
I'm sure you've read my column.
268
00:11:36,529 --> 00:11:39,399
I have not.
269
00:11:39,432 --> 00:11:41,334
Well, I mean, maybe
you will in the future.
270
00:11:41,368 --> 00:11:43,403
I will not.
271
00:11:47,975 --> 00:11:49,342
(clears throat)
272
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:52,746
Okay, yes, it is true
that I stole this stuff before,
273
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:56,950
but now, because of the Bible,
I am bringing it all back. Huh?
274
00:11:56,984 --> 00:12:00,087
Any chance that you could not
tell my boss about this?
275
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:04,024
Sir, I cannot wait to
tell your boss about this.
276
00:12:06,026 --> 00:12:08,796
It'll be a nice little
birthday gift for myself.
277
00:12:14,201 --> 00:12:16,904
Who the hell returns
stolen office supplies?
278
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,140
You got 'em home. You won.
279
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:24,211
Look, I was trying to do
the right thing, all right?
280
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,213
What did I get for it?
281
00:12:26,246 --> 00:12:29,382
A spirited pat-down by
two giant, wet, salsa hands.
282
00:12:30,884 --> 00:12:33,020
I don't know why I'm
the one getting busted
283
00:12:33,053 --> 00:12:35,322
when I'm trying to be an
example for all of you kleptos.
284
00:12:36,890 --> 00:12:37,925
(hissing)
(groans)
285
00:12:37,958 --> 00:12:41,094
Oh, oh, oh, you got judgey,
and Professor Java Jesus
286
00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:43,296
has a little wrath left
for you too, buddy.
287
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:47,234
Okay, people, listen up.
288
00:12:47,267 --> 00:12:50,103
I just had a very interesting
discussion with Warren here.
289
00:12:50,137 --> 00:12:52,505
Did y'all wish him happy
birthday, by the way?
290
00:12:52,539 --> 00:12:54,474
ALL:
Yes.
Of course you did.
291
00:12:54,507 --> 00:12:57,244
It's Warren.
He's the best. (laughs)
292
00:12:57,277 --> 00:13:01,081
Apparently, this morning,
at the butt-crack of dawn,
293
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:02,883
a thief by the
name of Chip...
294
00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,151
If that is
his real name.
295
00:13:04,184 --> 00:13:06,153
MEADOWS:
...broke in
296
00:13:06,186 --> 00:13:08,989
and stole a staggering
amount of office supplies.
297
00:13:09,022 --> 00:13:11,158
I was returning them.
298
00:13:11,191 --> 00:13:14,594
Look, Ms. Meadows, can I
just read you Ezekiel 33:15?
299
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:16,496
You read me one word
from that Bible, Chip,
300
00:13:16,529 --> 00:13:18,165
and I will smack you with it.
301
00:13:18,198 --> 00:13:20,100
She'll do it.
302
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,835
She hit me
with a thesaurus last week.
303
00:13:21,869 --> 00:13:23,436
What?
304
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:25,172
It was very upsetting.
305
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:27,474
Also disquieting
and disconcerting.
306
00:13:27,507 --> 00:13:31,078
Chip, you are officially
on probation.
307
00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:33,013
If you can't write your column
308
00:13:33,046 --> 00:13:34,882
without disrupting
the entire office,
309
00:13:34,915 --> 00:13:36,349
I will find someone who can.
310
00:13:36,383 --> 00:13:38,051
Oh, respectfully declined.
311
00:13:38,085 --> 00:13:40,220
Conflict of interest for me,
as I am Wiccan.
312
00:13:41,989 --> 00:13:45,425
Anyone getting caught taking
supplies will be fired,
313
00:13:45,458 --> 00:13:48,061
so, don't.... take...
314
00:13:48,095 --> 00:13:50,097
(whispers loudly):
anything!
315
00:13:56,169 --> 00:13:58,338
What? What are you
all so upset about?
316
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:01,441
You'll be better
people now.
317
00:14:01,474 --> 00:14:03,543
Not hearing a lot of
"thank yous."
318
00:14:03,576 --> 00:14:05,412
Oh, you're gonna hear
"something yous" in a minute.
319
00:14:07,080 --> 00:14:08,148
And it ain't
gonna be "thank."
320
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:10,083
It's gonna start with an "F."
321
00:14:10,117 --> 00:14:11,218
Yeah, I got it, Cheryl.
322
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:15,989
But I am trying to do
the right thing,
323
00:14:16,023 --> 00:14:18,091
which is why I am
bringing the mug back.
324
00:14:18,125 --> 00:14:21,461
One to ten, how
pissed is your wife?
325
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:24,031
Let's just say that I lost
my spot in bed
326
00:14:24,064 --> 00:14:26,166
to a wheel of gouda.
327
00:14:26,199 --> 00:14:29,269
That doesn't sound
too gouda to me.
No.
328
00:14:30,703 --> 00:14:33,173
Take this stupid
mug back to her.
329
00:14:33,206 --> 00:14:35,308
I don't care.
330
00:14:35,342 --> 00:14:37,978
Well, I'll tell you who
does care, Gracie: God.
331
00:14:38,011 --> 00:14:39,612
You see, in the Bible,
Ezekiel...
332
00:14:39,646 --> 00:14:42,149
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
We're not doing this.
333
00:14:44,251 --> 00:14:45,352
Hey, Chip.
334
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:46,653
There they are.
335
00:14:46,686 --> 00:14:48,088
Yeah, sorry
about the sweats.
336
00:14:48,121 --> 00:14:49,923
We were at our
fantasy football draft.
337
00:14:49,957 --> 00:14:51,558
Oh.
Mm-hmm.
338
00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:54,661
You guys wear sweats to your
fantasy football draft?
339
00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:57,931
It was up a lot
of stairs.
Ah.
340
00:14:57,965 --> 00:15:01,034
Your boy God's
"thou shalt not steal" bit
341
00:15:01,068 --> 00:15:03,070
is making me real unpopular.
342
00:15:03,103 --> 00:15:06,006
Listen, Chip, I mean,
ma-maybe the reason people
343
00:15:06,039 --> 00:15:08,575
are so upset is because in
trying to live your life
344
00:15:08,608 --> 00:15:11,244
by the Bible,
you keep futzing with theirs.
345
00:15:11,278 --> 00:15:14,347
I felt extremely
futzed with.
346
00:15:20,387 --> 00:15:22,289
I mean, I-I guess
some people
347
00:15:22,322 --> 00:15:24,057
could see it that way.
348
00:15:24,091 --> 00:15:27,394
Well, like Leslie...
and I guess Vince.
349
00:15:27,427 --> 00:15:28,695
And everybody else that I know.
350
00:15:28,728 --> 00:15:30,230
Oh, man.
351
00:15:30,263 --> 00:15:32,232
I'm a Bible pusher, aren't I?
352
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:35,702
Yeah. Pretty much.
(sighs)
353
00:15:35,735 --> 00:15:38,005
The Bible's a very personal
thing to people, Chip.
354
00:15:38,038 --> 00:15:39,539
Like, uh, their politics
355
00:15:39,572 --> 00:15:42,075
or their choice
in laundry detergent.
356
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:44,644
And everyone has to
choose for themselves
357
00:15:44,677 --> 00:15:46,713
how strictly they want
to live by it.
358
00:15:46,746 --> 00:15:48,615
If, you know, at all.
359
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,450
Okay. All right,
360
00:15:50,483 --> 00:15:53,220
so I've been forcing people
to use Tide,
361
00:15:53,253 --> 00:15:55,355
when I should be respecting
the fact
362
00:15:55,388 --> 00:15:57,757
that some people want
to use Bounce.
363
00:15:57,790 --> 00:15:59,759
Bounce is a fabric softener,
364
00:15:59,792 --> 00:16:01,194
but I understand what
you're going for.
365
00:16:01,228 --> 00:16:02,695
All right.
366
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:05,332
Thanks, guys.
I know what I need to do.
367
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:09,069
You do? From the
detergent thing?
368
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:14,407
Good morning,
treasured coworkers.
369
00:16:14,441 --> 00:16:17,377
Would anybody like to guess
what's in this bag?
370
00:16:17,410 --> 00:16:21,081
Is it a urinal cake you stole
back in 2012?
371
00:16:22,549 --> 00:16:27,187
It is... a shiny new
coffee maker.
372
00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,256
Huh?
373
00:16:29,289 --> 00:16:31,258
Now, I know that stealing
office supplies
374
00:16:31,291 --> 00:16:32,559
was one of the few perks,
375
00:16:32,592 --> 00:16:34,627
and I kind of messed that up
for you guys.
376
00:16:34,661 --> 00:16:37,230
So, I replaced it
with a new perk.
377
00:16:37,264 --> 00:16:38,698
All right. Okay,
I'll be happy
378
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,800
to see Americano Sniper
over there go.
Yes.
379
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,303
(chuckles)
Now, just because
380
00:16:43,336 --> 00:16:45,038
I am living by the Bible
381
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:48,541
doesn't give me the right to
push my beliefs onto you guys.
382
00:16:48,575 --> 00:16:50,177
I'm sorry.
383
00:16:50,210 --> 00:16:51,311
We all good now?
384
00:16:51,344 --> 00:16:52,545
MEADOWS:
Chip.
Yo.
385
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:54,347
Can I see you in
my office, please?
Sure.
386
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:56,449
Maybe a promotion?
387
00:16:57,650 --> 00:16:59,419
MEADOWS:
It's not.
388
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:04,391
Here's the deal:
389
00:17:04,424 --> 00:17:06,726
The office is a very
delicate ecosystem,
390
00:17:06,759 --> 00:17:08,661
and any disturbance
of that system
391
00:17:08,695 --> 00:17:10,297
can throw things
out of whack.
392
00:17:10,330 --> 00:17:12,165
You are a disturbance.
393
00:17:12,199 --> 00:17:14,467
Well, I admit I was
a little annoying,
394
00:17:14,501 --> 00:17:17,437
but isn't it a good thing that
people aren't stealing anymore?
395
00:17:17,470 --> 00:17:21,674
Taking things from this dump
makes people feel good.
396
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:25,312
It-It's like a release valve
for negative feelings
397
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:28,315
about the office and,
more importantly, about me.
398
00:17:29,649 --> 00:17:31,451
Chip, I love your column.
399
00:17:31,484 --> 00:17:34,387
But I won't have my workplace
messed up by your Bible quest.
400
00:17:34,421 --> 00:17:36,289
Hold it.
401
00:17:37,324 --> 00:17:40,627
Idea for Christian
board game: "Bible Quest."
402
00:17:44,397 --> 00:17:46,333
We have to fix it.
403
00:17:46,366 --> 00:17:48,401
W-Well, I guess the only thing
to do is
404
00:17:48,435 --> 00:17:50,703
to reopen the release valve
405
00:17:50,737 --> 00:17:53,340
and let them take stuff,
but I can't be a part of it.
406
00:17:53,373 --> 00:17:56,376
Oh, sweet Chippy.
407
00:17:56,409 --> 00:17:59,479
Eh, it must be so nice
living in your Bible bubble.
408
00:18:01,614 --> 00:18:04,584
Idea for Christian
chewing gum: "Bible Bubble."
409
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:11,724
(sighs)
410
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,893
Hey, babe.
Hey, Chip.
411
00:18:13,926 --> 00:18:15,462
What'd you do today?
412
00:18:15,495 --> 00:18:18,831
Give away any other mementos
of our love?
413
00:18:18,865 --> 00:18:22,169
Did you flush my wedding dress
down the toilet?
414
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:26,373
Okay, I know that you're ticked
at me, and you should be.
415
00:18:26,406 --> 00:18:28,141
But I have a
surprise for you.
416
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:30,477
Ta-da.
417
00:18:30,510 --> 00:18:33,146
Oh. You got it back?
418
00:18:33,180 --> 00:18:36,549
Yeah. Gracie sold it
to me for 40 bucks.
419
00:18:36,583 --> 00:18:39,552
Wow. That's high.
What'd you do?
420
00:18:39,586 --> 00:18:41,821
Tell her that your marriage
depended on getting it back?
421
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:44,357
Those are the exact words
that I used.
422
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,559
Look, come here.
423
00:18:48,561 --> 00:18:51,531
I am so sorry
about everything.
424
00:18:51,564 --> 00:18:53,733
I don't want my
following the Bible
425
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:55,735
to get in the way
of our life together.
426
00:18:55,768 --> 00:18:57,370
Mm-hmm.
427
00:18:57,404 --> 00:19:00,273
Or a certain program
428
00:19:00,307 --> 00:19:03,443
involving giants
and battles.
429
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,878
And siblings who bang?
430
00:19:05,912 --> 00:19:07,380
And siblings who bang.
431
00:19:07,414 --> 00:19:09,549
(chuckles)
That's right.
432
00:19:09,582 --> 00:19:11,418
Daddy sprung
for the primos.
433
00:19:11,451 --> 00:19:14,387
Ooh. Uh, what
about our budget?
434
00:19:14,421 --> 00:19:17,557
Well, no more
Starbucks for me.
435
00:19:17,590 --> 00:19:19,459
I'm happy to give up
my lattes
436
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:20,927
if it makes the woman
I love happy.
437
00:19:20,960 --> 00:19:23,796
But Chip, there's
one problem.
438
00:19:23,830 --> 00:19:25,565
You're paying
for the cable,
439
00:19:25,598 --> 00:19:26,899
but you're stealing
something else.
440
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,868
Oh, no. What?
441
00:19:28,901 --> 00:19:31,704
My heart.
Um...
442
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,740
(laughs)
443
00:19:35,508 --> 00:19:37,277
(sighs)
444
00:19:37,310 --> 00:19:39,512
Bible, baby.
(laughs)
445
00:19:43,983 --> 00:19:45,985
All right, everyone, I just
received a new shipment
446
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:48,988
of sweet, sweet office supplies,
447
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:50,790
which I have opened,
448
00:19:50,823 --> 00:19:53,893
and I am very
irresponsibly leaving
449
00:19:53,926 --> 00:19:57,964
on the table right here.
450
00:19:57,997 --> 00:20:01,868
I have also let Warren
take the morning off
451
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,271
to have a birthday
brunch with his wife.
452
00:20:04,304 --> 00:20:06,306
Oh, love her.
453
00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:09,542
But let me reiterate
what I said before.
454
00:20:09,576 --> 00:20:11,544
Don't...
455
00:20:11,578 --> 00:20:14,714
steal... anything.
456
00:20:18,618 --> 00:20:21,488
Uh, did she just wink us
the okay to steal stuff?
457
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:23,022
Or did the huge wink at the end
458
00:20:23,055 --> 00:20:24,657
mean the previous winks
weren't serious?
459
00:20:24,691 --> 00:20:27,660
No. She's saying
it's okay, guys.
460
00:20:27,694 --> 00:20:29,396
Sorry, that was
just a bad time
461
00:20:29,429 --> 00:20:31,431
to get something
in my eye.
462
00:20:33,032 --> 00:20:34,434
You got anything
to say about this?
463
00:20:34,467 --> 00:20:36,736
No. I'm done preaching to you.
464
00:20:36,769 --> 00:20:38,438
When I'm in Heaven, I'll
just let St. Peter know
465
00:20:38,471 --> 00:20:40,340
you're my plus-one.
466
00:20:40,373 --> 00:20:41,808
(chuckles) Heaven? I got
highlighters in every color
467
00:20:41,841 --> 00:20:43,676
of the rainbow, my friend.
I'm already there.
468
00:20:47,814 --> 00:20:50,483
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
469
00:20:50,517 --> 00:20:53,486
and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
470
00:20:53,520 --> 00:20:56,489
Captioned by
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