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1
00:00:01,802 --> 00:00:02,770
CHIP:
My name is Chip.
2
00:00:02,803 --> 00:00:03,671
Life's been knocking me
on my butt lately.
3
00:00:03,704 --> 00:00:06,040
My best friend died
out of nowhere.
4
00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:08,776
Oh, I'm really gonna
miss you, Ray.
5
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,244
And my wife, well...
6
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:11,345
Your girl's pregnant.
7
00:00:11,379 --> 00:00:12,346
CHIP: I hadn't opened
a Bible in 20 years,
8
00:00:12,380 --> 00:00:15,316
but it's helped so many,
and I needed help.
9
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,417
I've decided to live my life
10
00:00:16,450 --> 00:00:19,787
100% by the Bible.
11
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:21,755
To the letter.
(laughs)
12
00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,257
CHIP:
I get that reaction a lot.
13
00:00:23,291 --> 00:00:24,792
But with the help
of my God Squad,
14
00:00:24,825 --> 00:00:26,094
I'm becoming a better man--
15
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,461
one verse at a time.
16
00:00:27,495 --> 00:00:30,564
I am living biblically.
17
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:35,669
Morning, Father Gene.
18
00:00:35,703 --> 00:00:38,539
Your favorite lapsed
Catholic has come back.
19
00:00:38,572 --> 00:00:40,208
Please tell me you're not still
20
00:00:40,241 --> 00:00:42,110
trying to live 100%
by the Bible.
21
00:00:42,143 --> 00:00:44,712
Ugh. See, I cannot tell you that
because that would be a lie,
22
00:00:44,745 --> 00:00:47,681
and I cannot lie because I am
living 100% by the Bible.
23
00:00:47,715 --> 00:00:49,250
I know you think
it's crazy,
24
00:00:49,283 --> 00:00:51,352
but it's really
helping me, you know?
25
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:54,222
I mean, when my best friend
died out of nowhere,
26
00:00:54,255 --> 00:00:57,291
I had no idea how to deal
with it. Now I do.
27
00:00:57,325 --> 00:00:58,459
Well, that's fantastic.
28
00:00:58,492 --> 00:01:00,828
And when Leslie told me that
we were gonna have a baby,
29
00:01:00,861 --> 00:01:01,995
I was terrified.
30
00:01:02,029 --> 00:01:04,298
I mean, I-I-I didn't think
I could pull off fatherhood.
31
00:01:04,332 --> 00:01:06,300
Frankly, I pretty much
sucked at adulthood.
32
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:07,835
But now,
33
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:09,737
I-I-I'm so excited
to meet this kid.
34
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:13,307
So your wife is on board
with your whole... journey?
35
00:01:13,341 --> 00:01:14,408
Very much so.
36
00:01:14,442 --> 00:01:16,144
You're driving her nuts,
aren't you?
37
00:01:16,177 --> 00:01:18,279
Very much so.
38
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:21,415
But overall, biblical living
is really going awesome.
39
00:01:21,449 --> 00:01:22,850
I mean, the only commandment
I've broken is
40
00:01:22,883 --> 00:01:25,319
"thou shalt not kill" because
I got to tell you, Gene,
41
00:01:25,353 --> 00:01:26,420
I am killing it, baby.
42
00:01:26,454 --> 00:01:29,457
Uh, excuse me,
it's "Father Baby."
43
00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:32,426
Ah. Oh, um...
(chuckles)
44
00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:35,329
I don't want to brag, but after
I left you the other night,
45
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:38,299
I stoned an adulterer.
46
00:01:38,332 --> 00:01:39,500
You what?!
47
00:01:39,533 --> 00:01:41,335
Chip, no, stop, just...
48
00:01:41,369 --> 00:01:44,672
Go to church and
be good. It's enough.
49
00:01:44,705 --> 00:01:47,375
No, not for me, it's not.
50
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:48,409
And why would I stop?
51
00:01:48,442 --> 00:01:50,711
They even gave me a second
column at the newspaper
52
00:01:50,744 --> 00:01:53,714
because of it.
It's called... ready?
53
00:01:53,747 --> 00:01:55,516
"Living Biblically."
54
00:01:55,549 --> 00:01:57,518
So, watch for that.
55
00:01:57,551 --> 00:01:59,520
Okay, I will.
56
00:01:59,553 --> 00:02:01,455
I'm happy it's working
out for you, Chip.
57
00:02:01,489 --> 00:02:03,891
Now, do you have
any sins to confess?
58
00:02:03,924 --> 00:02:07,261
'Cause that's kind of
what we do in here.
59
00:02:07,295 --> 00:02:11,232
Uh... Oh, well, I have
been cussing a lot.
60
00:02:11,265 --> 00:02:13,634
Oh, okay. That happens.
61
00:02:13,667 --> 00:02:15,736
Um, next time
you want to swear,
62
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:18,339
try a "dang," a "darn."
63
00:02:18,372 --> 00:02:19,607
"Gollies" are good.
64
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,175
I'm throwing around
"gollies" all day.
65
00:02:21,209 --> 00:02:23,777
Sounds a little
unsatisfying.
66
00:02:23,811 --> 00:02:26,447
Oh, it's incredibly
unsatisfying.
67
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:27,648
But you'll be doing
the right thing.
68
00:02:27,681 --> 00:02:31,819
Huh. Well, golly dang darn,
I'll give it a try, Father Baby.
69
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:38,459
Can you believe there's
a little person
70
00:02:38,492 --> 00:02:40,728
in there?
Yeah.
71
00:02:40,761 --> 00:02:44,398
I was there
when it happened.
(chuckles)
72
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:46,800
(sighs) You're so
incredible, Leslie.
73
00:02:46,834 --> 00:02:48,636
You're smart
and beautiful,
74
00:02:48,669 --> 00:02:51,639
great taste in dudes.
75
00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,374
You keep talking
that talk to me,
76
00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:54,442
I might have to put
my book down.
77
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:55,443
What, really?
78
00:02:55,476 --> 00:02:59,347
Oh, huh, okay.
(laughs)
79
00:02:59,380 --> 00:03:00,548
Um...
80
00:03:00,581 --> 00:03:02,716
Well, shoot, now I can't
think of anything.
81
00:03:02,750 --> 00:03:03,751
Hey!
82
00:03:08,456 --> 00:03:09,523
(loud techno music plays)
83
00:03:09,557 --> 00:03:14,362
Oh, no. They're playing their
robot porn music again.
84
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,564
Which means they're
about to start...
85
00:03:16,597 --> 00:03:17,565
(mattress squeaking)
86
00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:19,467
And there they go.
87
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:20,734
(woman moans)
88
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:21,935
I got this, babe.
89
00:03:23,671 --> 00:03:26,740
Shut up!
90
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,842
(loud techno music and
mattress squeaking continue)
91
00:03:30,444 --> 00:03:32,313
Mother-Golly!
92
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:42,990
Done with the all-white
suit you wore last week?
93
00:03:43,023 --> 00:03:44,458
I dug that look, man.
94
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:45,893
Very "Scarface Jesus."
95
00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:47,695
(laughs)
96
00:03:47,728 --> 00:03:49,497
Well, Vince,
I'll tell you,
97
00:03:49,530 --> 00:03:51,732
the Bible is a bit
confusing on this subject.
98
00:03:51,765 --> 00:03:54,034
Deuteronomy says don't mix
wool and linen.
99
00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:56,036
But Ecclesiastes says
wear all white
100
00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,538
and oil on your head.
101
00:03:57,571 --> 00:04:00,574
I say listen to Ecclesi's ass.
102
00:04:00,608 --> 00:04:03,877
Oil those curls up,
white pimp suit, Superfly Chip.
103
00:04:03,911 --> 00:04:05,813
(laughs)
104
00:04:05,846 --> 00:04:07,981
Guess who's got
a big date tonight?
105
00:04:08,015 --> 00:04:09,717
(sighs)
106
00:04:09,750 --> 00:04:11,352
(imitates buzzer)
Wrong. Me.
107
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:13,354
Hmm. Hey, Cheryl.
108
00:04:13,387 --> 00:04:15,656
Uh, which top
do you like better?
109
00:04:15,689 --> 00:04:17,891
(howls) Cheryl.
110
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:21,629
Or two cups, one Cheryl.
111
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,898
Believe it or not, Cheryl, uh,
112
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:26,700
I don't know much
about women's fashion.
113
00:04:26,734 --> 00:04:28,702
I feel like that's something
you two have in common.
114
00:04:30,504 --> 00:04:31,839
Oh, really, who
cares which one?
115
00:04:31,872 --> 00:04:33,474
It's just gonna
end up in a ball
116
00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:35,743
on the floor of a cab
anyway, am I right?
117
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:38,879
Oh, she's gonna make
some lucky guy
118
00:04:38,912 --> 00:04:40,548
really uncomfortable tonight.
119
00:04:40,581 --> 00:04:42,483
And two guys uncomfortable
right now.
120
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:44,918
How you doing?
121
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:46,854
Oh, I'm all right.
122
00:04:46,887 --> 00:04:48,822
Mm, you know, your best friend
dying is tough.
123
00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:49,990
I'm not gonna lie, but, uh,
124
00:04:50,023 --> 00:04:51,892
I will say this
Bible thing, man,
125
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:52,993
it really helps.
126
00:04:53,026 --> 00:04:54,462
Glad to hear it.
Yeah.
127
00:04:54,495 --> 00:04:55,463
Just checking in.
128
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,030
You know, sometimes guys
don't talk about stuff.
129
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,932
Yeah.
130
00:05:02,936 --> 00:05:04,805
Which I feel is
the right move, frankly.
131
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,940
Yes, me too. Me too.
132
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,076
Um, hey, uh...
133
00:05:09,109 --> 00:05:10,444
Y-You wouldn't...
134
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,813
Y-You want to...
135
00:05:12,846 --> 00:05:14,948
be my new best friend?
136
00:05:16,950 --> 00:05:18,852
Hell yeah.
What!?
137
00:05:18,886 --> 00:05:22,823
Finally, somebody in this office
gives me a promotion.
138
00:05:22,856 --> 00:05:24,925
I need y'all to listen up.
139
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:27,461
If everyone could stop not
doing their jobs for a minute,
140
00:05:27,495 --> 00:05:28,596
I have an announcement.
141
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,664
They found asbestos
in the vents,
142
00:05:30,698 --> 00:05:32,933
and we don't have the budget
to gut the whole place, so...
143
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:35,102
they're just gonna
clean out my office.
144
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:37,505
CHIP:
Uh...
145
00:05:37,538 --> 00:05:38,939
but surely we must
have some asbestos
146
00:05:38,972 --> 00:05:40,508
in our area, too, right?
147
00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,843
Cards on the table? Yeah.
148
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:47,415
Anyway, this is gonna be
my desk for the day,
149
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:48,882
and I would like to see your
150
00:05:48,916 --> 00:05:51,118
"Living Biblically"
piece on it ASAP.
151
00:05:51,151 --> 00:05:53,554
Soon. I just want it
to be perfect.
152
00:05:53,587 --> 00:05:55,856
Chip, I gave you that column,
and I will take it away.
153
00:05:55,889 --> 00:05:57,591
I will take it away,
and I will eat it.
154
00:05:57,625 --> 00:06:00,127
I will eat that column
if it is not exceptional.
155
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:03,564
Please don't eat
my column, Ms. Meadows.
156
00:06:03,597 --> 00:06:05,933
Don't make me eat
your column, Chip.
157
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,638
Whoa.
158
00:06:10,671 --> 00:06:14,908
Seems like Meadows really wants
to eat your column, Chip.
159
00:06:14,942 --> 00:06:17,545
Yeah. Yeah, I'm just about
to dive into my work.
160
00:06:17,578 --> 00:06:19,647
By myself. (chuckles)
161
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:21,482
So, give me
the man's perspective.
162
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:22,616
On which date
163
00:06:22,650 --> 00:06:25,586
does a guy want to see
a gal's glass eye collection?
164
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:33,427
I don't know. Four?
Can you please leave me alone?
165
00:06:33,461 --> 00:06:34,562
I'm trying to write.
166
00:06:34,595 --> 00:06:36,430
Oh.
167
00:06:36,464 --> 00:06:39,500
You think your Bible column's
more important than what I do?
168
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:41,969
I write the obituary.
Do you know what that's like?
169
00:06:42,002 --> 00:06:45,506
Death never stops, Chip.
It's coming for you.
170
00:06:47,007 --> 00:06:49,142
It's coming for us all!
171
00:06:51,479 --> 00:06:54,515
We know, Cheryl.
We got your Christmas card.
172
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:59,453
I'm so glad we bumped into
you guys. I got my, uh,
173
00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,655
my God Squad back
in full effect, baby.
174
00:07:01,689 --> 00:07:02,623
Yeah.
Whoo.
175
00:07:02,656 --> 00:07:05,225
You know, we-we live
right down the street.
176
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:07,695
Are you guys always here
at the bar?
177
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,429
Well, what exactly
are you implying?
178
00:07:10,731 --> 00:07:14,067
No, yeah, we're
here every night.
179
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,003
So, oh, man,
180
00:07:16,036 --> 00:07:18,038
those awful neighbors
I was telling you about.
181
00:07:18,071 --> 00:07:19,773
They are always...
182
00:07:19,807 --> 00:07:21,775
Can I say "making sweet love"?
183
00:07:21,809 --> 00:07:25,879
You can, but you sound like
you're in Boyz II Men.
184
00:07:25,913 --> 00:07:27,648
They blast techno music.
185
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:28,616
We haven't slept in a week.
186
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:31,218
Today at work, I fell
asleep on a gurney.
187
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,621
They almost cremated me.
188
00:07:35,288 --> 00:07:38,526
Look, the Bible's real clear
on neighbors.
189
00:07:38,559 --> 00:07:39,827
You have to love them.
190
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:41,762
Mm. "Love thy neighbor."
191
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,664
Right.
192
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,232
Well, that sucks.
193
00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:50,838
Gene, you're so much smarter
now that the comb-over is gone.
194
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:55,643
Jews, Christians, we all agree
on this one, all right?
195
00:07:55,676 --> 00:07:57,177
You got to "love thy neighbor."
196
00:07:57,210 --> 00:07:58,245
It's not just
197
00:07:58,278 --> 00:08:01,048
the title of most
of the episodes of Dateline.
198
00:08:02,082 --> 00:08:02,983
Well, hey, listen,
199
00:08:03,016 --> 00:08:04,718
I only have a few neighbors
in my building,
200
00:08:04,752 --> 00:08:06,153
so I can manage that.
201
00:08:06,186 --> 00:08:07,821
No, no, no, no.
202
00:08:07,855 --> 00:08:09,623
Everyone is your neighbor.
203
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:10,624
Seriously?
204
00:08:11,224 --> 00:08:13,093
Then, who is not my neighbor?
205
00:08:13,126 --> 00:08:15,996
Nobody.
206
00:08:16,029 --> 00:08:18,566
Oh, come on, you
can't love everybody.
207
00:08:18,599 --> 00:08:19,900
What about racists?
208
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,068
Or axe murderers?
209
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:23,637
Or the man who
invented high heels?
210
00:08:23,671 --> 00:08:25,839
Oh, and you know it was a man.
211
00:08:27,708 --> 00:08:29,109
GENE:
Look, Chip,
212
00:08:29,142 --> 00:08:30,611
if you really want
to do this right,
213
00:08:30,644 --> 00:08:32,580
you have to love everyone.
214
00:08:32,613 --> 00:08:35,783
Even that guy standing
in front of you at a concert,
215
00:08:35,816 --> 00:08:38,852
phone over his head,
blocking your view.
216
00:08:38,886 --> 00:08:41,789
He's never gonna watch this
blurry video of Smash Mouth,
217
00:08:41,822 --> 00:08:43,724
but he ruins your night anyway.
218
00:08:43,757 --> 00:08:47,194
Go to a lot of
Smash Mouth concerts, Gene?
219
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:48,862
No.
220
00:08:48,896 --> 00:08:52,966
They were opening
for Hoobastank.
221
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:55,703
And-and not "tolerate,"
222
00:08:55,736 --> 00:08:57,738
or "put up with" your
neighbor, either, Chip.
223
00:08:57,771 --> 00:08:59,740
Love.
224
00:08:59,773 --> 00:09:02,743
Do you really think you can
love everyone all the time?
225
00:09:02,776 --> 00:09:05,212
I mean, it sure seems like
226
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,848
it'd be a much happier world
if everyone did.
227
00:09:07,881 --> 00:09:09,750
Mm-hmm.
Couldn't agree more, bud.
228
00:09:09,783 --> 00:09:11,284
Rooting for you.
229
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:12,786
All right.
230
00:09:12,820 --> 00:09:13,787
New plan.
231
00:09:13,821 --> 00:09:15,589
Love everybody.
(chuckles)
232
00:09:15,623 --> 00:09:20,694
Uh, it doesn't sound like
much of a plan, per se, but...
233
00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:22,229
I'm trying to be supportive.
234
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:23,664
(laughs)
235
00:09:23,697 --> 00:09:25,132
You're hurting me, sweetie.
236
00:09:25,165 --> 00:09:26,333
I'm very sorry.
237
00:09:26,366 --> 00:09:27,668
Well, we better go
get some sleep.
238
00:09:27,701 --> 00:09:28,769
Here, Gil. You can
have my drink, buddy.
239
00:09:28,802 --> 00:09:32,305
Oh. All right.
240
00:09:32,339 --> 00:09:34,041
It was great seeing
you guys again.
241
00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,876
Yeah.
Good night.
Yeah, good night.
242
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:41,081
People of the bar, I love you.
243
00:09:41,114 --> 00:09:42,650
I'm sorry.
244
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,384
He's not even drunk.
245
00:09:44,417 --> 00:09:47,855
This is my life now.
246
00:09:47,888 --> 00:09:49,790
(loud techno music playing)
247
00:09:49,823 --> 00:09:51,324
Still going.
248
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:55,729
I feel like we're living in
a top-tional Vegas pool party.
249
00:09:55,763 --> 00:09:57,898
You've been
to one of those, Chip?
250
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,268
I can't hear you.
251
00:10:03,203 --> 00:10:05,205
All right, well,
you heard Gene and Gil.
252
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:08,876
It's time to open up our hearts
and love our neighbors.
253
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:11,011
Maybe that'll shut them up.
254
00:10:12,145 --> 00:10:15,115
Okay, but what does
"loving them" look like?
255
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:16,850
What are you gonna do?
256
00:10:16,884 --> 00:10:19,720
(laughing): What are you... you
gonna bake them an apple pie?
257
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:21,989
Hey. You know what? Yes.
258
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:23,156
Stick to the classics.
259
00:10:23,190 --> 00:10:25,325
I'm gonna bake them
an apple pie.
260
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:28,128
The secret ingredient is love.
261
00:10:30,798 --> 00:10:32,666
So, okay.
So, we'll bring them a pie,
262
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:34,134
and then you're gonna have
a talk with them, right?
263
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,236
Talk to them? Who am I, Oprah?
264
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:37,905
I don't want to have
a 20-minute conversation
265
00:10:37,938 --> 00:10:39,372
every time I get the mail.
266
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,942
I'll just drop the love pie
off on their doormat,
267
00:10:41,975 --> 00:10:44,277
and I'll write them
a little note.
268
00:10:44,311 --> 00:10:46,279
"Dear neighbors,
269
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:50,317
"I love you very much.
270
00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:55,022
"But I would love you
a whole lot more
271
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:57,925
"if I didn't have to listen
272
00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:03,230
to your sick, twisted game
of sexual one-upmanship." No.
273
00:11:06,399 --> 00:11:08,836
Hey, hey.
Hey. What's up, buddy?
274
00:11:08,869 --> 00:11:10,971
Finally have the perfect topic
for my column.
275
00:11:11,004 --> 00:11:12,139
(chuckles)
276
00:11:12,172 --> 00:11:14,441
I loved my neighbors
so hard last night.
277
00:11:17,978 --> 00:11:19,412
I loved my neighbor once.
278
00:11:19,446 --> 00:11:21,348
Big mistake.
279
00:11:21,381 --> 00:11:23,784
Can't call a girl a cab
when she lives next door.
280
00:11:23,817 --> 00:11:25,018
(chuckles)
281
00:11:25,052 --> 00:11:27,020
I'm telling you, man, this thing
is just gonna write itself.
282
00:11:27,054 --> 00:11:28,188
I am in a zone.
283
00:11:28,221 --> 00:11:29,790
Nothing can stop...
284
00:11:32,760 --> 00:11:34,427
...me now.
285
00:11:34,461 --> 00:11:37,931
Went on my date last
night, thanks for asking.
286
00:11:37,965 --> 00:11:39,099
Six foot two.
287
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,834
Handsome, athletic.
288
00:11:40,868 --> 00:11:41,969
Gross, not my type at all.
289
00:11:42,002 --> 00:11:43,236
Look...
(clears throat)
290
00:11:43,270 --> 00:11:48,441
Cheryl, the writer spends his
life in pursuit of "the zone..."
291
00:11:48,475 --> 00:11:49,542
And he was so boring.
292
00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:52,980
I mean, he'd just ramble on,
these endless stories
293
00:11:53,013 --> 00:11:54,815
that I didn't even ask to hear.
294
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:56,449
Yup. Got it. Okay,
could you please go over there?
295
00:11:56,483 --> 00:11:58,451
I mean, what kind
of idiot doesn't know
296
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:00,854
when someone doesn't want
to hear their boring stories
297
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:03,991
that just go on and on and on
and on and on...
298
00:12:04,024 --> 00:12:05,025
Damn it, Cheryl!
299
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,829
I am trying
to get my article done!
300
00:12:08,862 --> 00:12:11,264
And you need to understand
that every time...
301
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,836
(exhales)
302
00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:22,442
You need to understand...
303
00:12:22,475 --> 00:12:23,977
that I love you, Cheryl.
304
00:12:31,251 --> 00:12:35,789
I love you very much,
305
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,825
Cher Bear.
306
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,998
What was that?
307
00:12:45,032 --> 00:12:47,300
The asbestos scrambling
your brain?
308
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:49,136
I am "loving thy neighbor,"
baby.
309
00:12:49,169 --> 00:12:51,004
And look, it worked.
310
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:51,939
Uh, Chip?
Yeah.
311
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,074
What the hell
did you just do to Cheryl?
312
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,509
I hugged her.
313
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:59,980
He admits it.
We touched fronts.
314
00:13:00,013 --> 00:13:01,915
Were you being weird, Chip?
315
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:03,016
Vince.
316
00:13:03,050 --> 00:13:03,683
Was he being weird?
317
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,252
Oh, it was definitely weird.
318
00:13:05,285 --> 00:13:06,586
I mean,
319
00:13:06,619 --> 00:13:07,821
I didn't see anything.
320
00:13:09,556 --> 00:13:10,790
Best friends?
321
00:13:16,596 --> 00:13:17,898
Cheryl is suggesting
there was some
322
00:13:17,931 --> 00:13:20,567
inappropriate physical contact.
323
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:22,502
Oh, come on.
Because I hugged her?
324
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:26,106
I realize I dress sexy, but
that's not a license to grope.
325
00:13:28,408 --> 00:13:31,344
I pulled away right as his hands
dipped below the equator.
326
00:13:31,378 --> 00:13:34,247
What? My hands
were on your back.
327
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:37,184
I have a very high butt, Chip.
328
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,889
Look, should we be having
this conversation
329
00:13:41,922 --> 00:13:43,390
in front of the entire office?
330
00:13:43,423 --> 00:13:45,926
Oh, please. They are
not paying attention.
331
00:13:48,128 --> 00:13:52,132
Chip, you cannot go around
hugging your coworkers
332
00:13:52,165 --> 00:13:54,001
and telling them
that you love them.
333
00:13:54,034 --> 00:13:55,068
It's creepy.
334
00:13:55,102 --> 00:13:57,337
Hey, look, it's not easy
for me either, all right?
335
00:13:57,370 --> 00:14:00,307
But you gave me this column,
you know I'm living by the Bible
336
00:14:00,340 --> 00:14:02,175
and I have to love my neighbor.
337
00:14:02,209 --> 00:14:03,476
Well, can you do it
without putting your hands
338
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:06,880
on Cheryl's insanely
high butt, please?
339
00:14:06,914 --> 00:14:09,149
Uh, yeah, fine.
340
00:14:09,182 --> 00:14:12,152
But look, I-I-I think we should
all say "I love you" more.
341
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,087
And I love everybody
in this office.
342
00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:16,456
Vince, love you, buddy.
343
00:14:16,489 --> 00:14:18,158
Coworker to best friend
344
00:14:18,191 --> 00:14:20,493
to love in 24 hours.
345
00:14:20,527 --> 00:14:23,163
That's how your boy Vince
does it.
346
00:14:23,196 --> 00:14:25,165
Ms. Meadows,
you are a tough boss,
347
00:14:25,198 --> 00:14:27,935
but you always inspire me
to be better.
348
00:14:27,968 --> 00:14:30,103
And for that, I love you.
349
00:14:30,137 --> 00:14:32,039
Well, thank you, Chip.
350
00:14:32,072 --> 00:14:34,307
And I think you are...
351
00:14:34,341 --> 00:14:36,076
fine.
352
00:14:36,109 --> 00:14:37,911
Hug?
353
00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:39,012
Oh, you know what?
354
00:14:39,046 --> 00:14:44,084
I am going to take this
and go sit in the asbestos.
355
00:14:47,454 --> 00:14:49,222
Cheryl,
356
00:14:49,256 --> 00:14:53,126
look, I hope you understand
I meant no harm.
357
00:14:53,160 --> 00:14:57,264
I'm just trying to deal lovingly
with things that bother me.
358
00:14:57,297 --> 00:15:00,600
Oh. I bother you?
359
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:02,135
Well, that's a bummer.
360
00:15:02,169 --> 00:15:03,403
Well, it's just
that, you know,
361
00:15:03,436 --> 00:15:04,938
you come over to my
desk all the ti...
362
00:15:04,972 --> 00:15:06,273
You think you're
the perfect coworker, Chip,
363
00:15:06,306 --> 00:15:07,975
with your Bible stuff?
364
00:15:08,008 --> 00:15:10,243
Look, I don't push
my juggalo lifestyle on you.
365
00:15:13,213 --> 00:15:16,483
And, you know,
frankly, you're mean.
366
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,451
What? I am not.
367
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:19,686
Yes, you are.
368
00:15:19,719 --> 00:15:21,188
You roll your eyes
when I say anything.
369
00:15:21,221 --> 00:15:23,123
Oh, I do not.
370
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:26,526
I am sorry.
371
00:15:26,559 --> 00:15:28,228
And some days when
it's really hot out,
372
00:15:28,261 --> 00:15:29,496
you have a trace of BO.
373
00:15:29,529 --> 00:15:32,632
She's not wrong.
374
00:15:32,665 --> 00:15:34,734
But I hear you.
375
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:38,405
And loving your neighbor means
being a good neighbor, too.
376
00:15:38,438 --> 00:15:40,307
I've been a bad one.
377
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:41,541
I'm sorry.
378
00:15:41,574 --> 00:15:44,544
I'm sorry, too. Hug?
379
00:15:44,577 --> 00:15:46,046
You got it, Cher Bear.
380
00:15:46,079 --> 00:15:47,147
Thanks, Chip Clip.
381
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,348
(chuckles)
382
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:52,619
Uh, oh, wow, that is
really high, isn't it?
383
00:15:52,652 --> 00:15:53,653
Uh...
384
00:15:53,686 --> 00:15:55,288
Oh. Really hot
out today, huh?
385
00:15:55,322 --> 00:15:56,223
Okay, that's enough.
386
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,695
Truly connected with Cheryl
today and it was awesome.
387
00:16:02,729 --> 00:16:04,597
I mean, we had a
real heart-to-heart.
(loud techno music playing)
388
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:06,166
I baked you a pie!
389
00:16:06,199 --> 00:16:09,169
Why won't you shut up?!
390
00:16:09,202 --> 00:16:13,140
But yeah, we're in
a really good place, and...
391
00:16:13,173 --> 00:16:15,442
as it turns out, Cheryl actually
had some issues with me,
392
00:16:15,475 --> 00:16:17,210
believe it or not.
Oh, I can believe it.
393
00:16:17,244 --> 00:16:18,778
What?
394
00:16:18,811 --> 00:16:22,182
Did it ever occur to you
that you might not be
395
00:16:22,215 --> 00:16:23,550
that great of a
neighbor here, either?
396
00:16:23,583 --> 00:16:26,186
You're making me
sound like a jerk.
397
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:28,555
Wait, how could
I be a jerk?
398
00:16:28,588 --> 00:16:30,790
I've never even talked
to anybody in this building.
399
00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:33,793
Oh, okay, now I'm getting it.
400
00:16:33,826 --> 00:16:35,762
I mean, you won't answer the
door for trick-or-treaters,
401
00:16:35,795 --> 00:16:38,331
for six months, you tried
to learn the didgeridoo,
402
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:40,467
and every time someone
gets on the elevator,
403
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:41,734
you pretend you're
on your phone.
404
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:44,271
Oh, nobody knows
that's a fake person.
405
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:47,407
Chip, you pretend to talk
to a Jackie Paddawackie.
406
00:16:47,440 --> 00:16:49,442
(techno music playing,
mattress squeaking)
407
00:16:52,212 --> 00:16:55,815
(sighs)
Well, I've been a bad neighbor.
408
00:16:55,848 --> 00:16:58,451
Uh, the squeaking
mattress stopped.
409
00:16:58,485 --> 00:17:01,088
There's your
cue, Bible Boy.
410
00:17:01,121 --> 00:17:02,189
Oh, but...
411
00:17:02,222 --> 00:17:04,124
should I bring them
some Gatorade or...?
412
00:17:04,157 --> 00:17:05,425
What?
413
00:17:10,097 --> 00:17:11,198
Hello.
414
00:17:11,231 --> 00:17:12,565
Hi.
415
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,102
Um...
416
00:17:18,271 --> 00:17:19,772
Hi.
417
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:25,312
Wow, uh, I'd just
like to start by saying
418
00:17:25,345 --> 00:17:27,547
that you two are an inspiration.
419
00:17:29,449 --> 00:17:31,551
Who are you?
420
00:17:31,584 --> 00:17:33,553
Oh! I'm so sorry,
we're your next-door neighbors.
421
00:17:33,586 --> 00:17:35,688
My name's Chip. This is
my beautiful wife, Leslie.
422
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,791
Phyllis. He's Karl. Oh!
423
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:41,594
You gave us that... pie thing.
424
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:43,696
That was me. Did you try it?
425
00:17:43,730 --> 00:17:46,233
No. He's diabetic
and I just thought
426
00:17:46,266 --> 00:17:50,237
it looked like a bad pie.
427
00:17:50,270 --> 00:17:53,640
Um, look, I-I-I was
just hoping that you could
428
00:17:53,673 --> 00:17:55,775
just keep the noise down.
429
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:58,611
Yes. We got your letter.
430
00:17:58,645 --> 00:18:01,214
Beautifully written. Long.
431
00:18:02,682 --> 00:18:05,118
But we don't feel
we're loud.
432
00:18:05,152 --> 00:18:07,120
Not to mention,
we have to listen to you two
433
00:18:07,154 --> 00:18:08,355
knock boots all day.
434
00:18:08,388 --> 00:18:09,289
Us?
435
00:18:09,322 --> 00:18:10,690
Wait, you hear it, too?
436
00:18:10,723 --> 00:18:12,259
It's not them.
437
00:18:12,292 --> 00:18:14,661
Oh, well, Phyllis,
it's not us, either.
438
00:18:14,694 --> 00:18:17,264
I mean, we do okay, but...
Yeah.
439
00:18:17,297 --> 00:18:18,665
I don't want
to oversell it.
440
00:18:18,698 --> 00:18:20,400
Well, I mean, you don't want
to undersell it, but...
441
00:18:20,433 --> 00:18:21,834
(loud techno music playing)
442
00:18:24,237 --> 00:18:26,839
It's the upstairs neighbors.
443
00:18:26,873 --> 00:18:28,675
Oh, Phyllis, we thought
that was you guys.
444
00:18:28,708 --> 00:18:32,279
Oh, please! I wish.
445
00:18:32,312 --> 00:18:34,414
(laughter)
446
00:18:35,782 --> 00:18:37,650
I do.
447
00:18:39,386 --> 00:18:41,321
So, I went upstairs.
448
00:18:41,354 --> 00:18:44,457
I started by admitting my own
neighborly shortcomings.
449
00:18:44,491 --> 00:18:47,294
And then I hugged it out
with the real fornicators.
450
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:49,362
Very intense hug.
451
00:18:49,396 --> 00:18:51,198
Pretty sure they
were on drugs.
452
00:18:51,231 --> 00:18:54,401
Super sweet kids, though.
Oh.
453
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,569
Turned off the music,
no questions asked.
454
00:18:56,603 --> 00:18:59,639
I can't believe that
I wasted all this energy
455
00:18:59,672 --> 00:19:01,374
hating these people,
456
00:19:01,408 --> 00:19:03,676
and then I just talked
to them for ten minutes
457
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:04,844
and now I love them.
458
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,313
He really does.
459
00:19:06,346 --> 00:19:08,315
The three of them are
going to Burning Man.
460
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:10,450
Now, you see, Chip,
461
00:19:10,483 --> 00:19:13,720
y-y-you cannot control how much
hate there is in this world.
462
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:17,357
It's the world. It sucks.
463
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:19,459
But... (clears throat)
...you can control
464
00:19:19,492 --> 00:19:21,494
how much love you put into it.
465
00:19:21,528 --> 00:19:23,696
Mm? That's power, baby.
466
00:19:25,565 --> 00:19:28,201
You got him doing
the "baby" thing now.
467
00:19:28,235 --> 00:19:30,403
I mean, I'm chatting
it up at the mailbox.
468
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:31,704
I'm-I'm part
of the community.
469
00:19:31,738 --> 00:19:33,773
The lady in 5C offered
to babysit for us.
470
00:19:33,806 --> 00:19:35,508
Wait, the one
with the face tattoo?
471
00:19:35,542 --> 00:19:37,710
Oh, yeah, we're definitely
not gonna let her.
Oh, okay.
472
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:41,348
Well, it's great people are
throwing love back your way,
473
00:19:41,381 --> 00:19:42,815
Chip, just don't
make that the goal.
474
00:19:42,849 --> 00:19:43,816
Mm-hmm.
Right.
475
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:45,818
Love unconditionally.
Okay.
476
00:19:45,852 --> 00:19:49,489
Like the way Leslie
obviously loves you.
477
00:19:49,522 --> 00:19:50,723
I mean, whoo, daddy...
(chuckles)
478
00:19:50,757 --> 00:19:52,625
...talk about unconditional.
479
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:57,364
Nah. He's one neighbor
it is very easy to love.
480
00:19:57,397 --> 00:19:59,899
Oh.
Mm.
481
00:20:01,901 --> 00:20:04,804
You know you're just staring
at them while they kiss, right?
482
00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:09,776
Well, where am I
supposed to look?
483
00:20:09,809 --> 00:20:11,411
Look at me.
484
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,588
Well, this is worse.
485
00:20:29,028 --> 00:20:30,830
Looks like someone's
in the zone.
486
00:20:30,863 --> 00:20:32,665
Hey. Talk about it
at lunch, Cher Bear,
487
00:20:32,699 --> 00:20:34,834
and my treat this time.
488
00:20:34,867 --> 00:20:37,937
So, I am seeing
this super hot new guy.
489
00:20:37,970 --> 00:20:42,842
Oh, no. What's happening?
490
00:20:42,875 --> 00:20:45,011
He's short, fat, bald.
491
00:20:45,044 --> 00:20:46,646
I mean, the whole package.
492
00:20:46,679 --> 00:20:48,515
You know, they're...
Get off my desk, Cheryl!
493
00:20:53,886 --> 00:20:55,054
Hey, "loving thy neighbor"
is your thing.
494
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:56,789
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495
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:02,462
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