Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:01,535 --> 00:00:03,471
My name is Chip. Life's been
knocking me on my butt lately.
2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,605
My best friend died
out of nowhere.
3
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:08,309
Ah, I'm really gonna
miss you, Ray.
4
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:10,478
And my wife, well...
Your girl's pregnant.
5
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,181
I hadn't opened a Bible
in 20 years,
6
00:00:13,214 --> 00:00:15,349
but it's helped so many and...
I needed help.
7
00:00:15,383 --> 00:00:17,085
I've decided to live my life
8
00:00:17,118 --> 00:00:20,054
100% by the Bible.
To the letter.
9
00:00:20,088 --> 00:00:21,055
(laughs)
10
00:00:21,089 --> 00:00:22,356
I get that reaction a lot.
11
00:00:22,390 --> 00:00:23,591
But with the help
of my God Squad,
12
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,659
I'm becoming a better man,
13
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:27,195
one verse at a time.
14
00:00:27,228 --> 00:00:30,298
I am living biblically.
15
00:00:33,234 --> 00:00:34,235
Hey.
16
00:00:34,268 --> 00:00:36,470
Chip, you are not gonna
believe what happened...
17
00:00:36,504 --> 00:00:37,638
and you're not listening.
18
00:00:37,671 --> 00:00:39,407
(laughs)
19
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:41,809
I'm sorry. I was just watching
a YouTube compilation
20
00:00:41,842 --> 00:00:43,144
of goats being scared.
21
00:00:43,177 --> 00:00:44,378
I mean, every time,
22
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,380
it's like...
(imitates goat bleating)
23
00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:48,182
(laughs)
24
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,084
I didn't get
Beyoncé tickets in time,
25
00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:51,119
and now they're sold out.
26
00:00:51,152 --> 00:00:54,855
Oh.
Why? Why?
27
00:00:54,888 --> 00:00:57,825
Oh, hey.
Hey, it's okay.
28
00:00:57,858 --> 00:01:00,328
It's just Beyoncé.
29
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:03,197
Just Beyoncé?
30
00:01:03,231 --> 00:01:04,565
Chip,
31
00:01:04,598 --> 00:01:06,300
have you even listened
to Lemonade?
32
00:01:06,334 --> 00:01:08,369
Yeah, you played it
for me when it came out.
33
00:01:08,402 --> 00:01:09,737
I thought it was pretty good.
34
00:01:09,770 --> 00:01:11,572
Pretty good?
35
00:01:11,605 --> 00:01:13,107
You can't just
listen to Lemonade
36
00:01:13,141 --> 00:01:15,109
and think it's
pretty good.
37
00:01:15,143 --> 00:01:17,145
But... I did.
38
00:01:18,312 --> 00:01:20,381
I think she's
a talented singer.
39
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,283
A talented singer?
40
00:01:22,316 --> 00:01:26,887
You know, I-I feel like
I'm saying something normal
41
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:29,223
and then you're just
repeating it, but angry.
42
00:01:29,257 --> 00:01:33,594
Beyoncé is not
just Beyoncé.
43
00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:37,598
She is a goddess
and I worship her.
44
00:01:37,631 --> 00:01:40,468
Well, now, see...
45
00:01:40,501 --> 00:01:44,472
I've just been reading
about this in my Bible.
46
00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:48,776
And it sounds to me like
47
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:52,213
you're bordering on
the ole false idols territory.
48
00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:54,815
Nah. There's nothing
false about Beyoncé.
49
00:01:54,848 --> 00:01:56,250
Ah.
50
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:58,786
How would you
feel if, um...
51
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:01,155
Jesus at the Barclays Center
was sold out,
52
00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:04,358
and I was like, "Hey, calm down,
it's just some dude in sandals."
53
00:02:04,392 --> 00:02:07,495
Just some dude in sandals?
54
00:02:09,230 --> 00:02:12,366
I bet Beyoncé couldn't
turn water into wine.
55
00:02:12,400 --> 00:02:15,169
She turned a cheating
husband into Lemonade.
56
00:02:19,473 --> 00:02:21,342
So a false idol
57
00:02:21,375 --> 00:02:24,778
is anything you worship
above God, right?
58
00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:27,681
So when God says,
"Do not worship false idols,"
59
00:02:27,715 --> 00:02:30,584
he's talking about Beyoncé.
60
00:02:30,618 --> 00:02:32,853
Tread lightly here, Chip.
61
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,589
I, myself, am an active member
of the Bey Hive.
62
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:37,658
Yes,
63
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:38,792
as you're describing it,
64
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,595
Beyoncé could be considered
a false idol for Leslie.
65
00:02:41,629 --> 00:02:44,398
But let's talk about you, Chip,
because you know, remember,
66
00:02:44,432 --> 00:02:45,866
when you point your finger,
67
00:02:45,899 --> 00:02:48,269
you have three more
pointing back at you.
68
00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:49,870
Oh. (chuckles)
69
00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:51,772
Well, not if you're my cousin,
Fireworks Bill.
70
00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:57,845
The question wasn't,
"Does your cousin have fingers?"
71
00:02:57,878 --> 00:03:00,414
The question was,
"Do you have any false idols?"
72
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:03,817
Hmm... I don't think so.
73
00:03:03,851 --> 00:03:05,886
I did see Michael Keaton
at a sandwich shop once
74
00:03:05,919 --> 00:03:06,887
and I bowed to him.
75
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:10,991
A false idol doesn't even
have to be a person.
76
00:03:11,024 --> 00:03:14,362
The first false idol
was a calf made out of gold.
77
00:03:14,395 --> 00:03:16,397
Doesn't zazz me up,
78
00:03:16,430 --> 00:03:18,666
but, hey, I wasn't there,
maybe it was a great calf.
79
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:21,369
Oh, you know who's
got great calves?
80
00:03:21,402 --> 00:03:23,871
Mike Keaton.
81
00:03:23,904 --> 00:03:25,005
I wonder what he's filming now.
82
00:03:25,038 --> 00:03:26,740
GENE:
Let me tell you a story.
83
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,342
I had a convertible once.
84
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:29,843
Ooh, Mustang.
85
00:03:29,877 --> 00:03:30,744
Miata.
86
00:03:32,580 --> 00:03:36,016
Cherry red, beautiful.
I'd drive around town,
87
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,718
my hair blowing in the wind.
88
00:03:37,751 --> 00:03:40,588
So this story
is from a while ago.
89
00:03:40,621 --> 00:03:42,022
Yeah.
90
00:03:42,055 --> 00:03:44,558
(chuckles)
But I had to give it up
91
00:03:44,592 --> 00:03:48,596
because I woke up thinking
about the car instead of God.
92
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:51,265
And that's where it
gets dicey, biblically.
93
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:54,435
Hello?
94
00:03:54,468 --> 00:03:55,569
Chip?
95
00:03:55,603 --> 00:03:56,870
Look at yourself.
96
00:03:56,904 --> 00:04:00,040
Perhaps your false idol
is your phone.
97
00:04:00,073 --> 00:04:02,676
(scoffs) No, it's not.
98
00:04:02,710 --> 00:04:04,945
Would you give up your phone
if God asked you to?
99
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:08,382
God would never ask me
to do that.
100
00:04:08,416 --> 00:04:10,584
God asked Abraham
to kill his only son.
101
00:04:10,618 --> 00:04:13,020
Yeah, but he didn't ask him
to give up his phone.
102
00:04:14,855 --> 00:04:17,858
Look, Chip, it's okay
to admit it.
103
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,560
You're not the only one.
Look around.
104
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:24,465
Wow.
105
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:28,436
Nobody's even talking
to each other.
106
00:04:28,469 --> 00:04:30,438
We're all just worshipping
at the altars
107
00:04:30,471 --> 00:04:33,006
of our tiny, little idols.
108
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:36,009
Oh, man, what do I do?
Oh, Google it.
109
00:04:38,111 --> 00:04:41,048
Whoa.
110
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:43,717
The Bible is very clear
on false idols.
111
00:04:43,751 --> 00:04:46,420
They are forbidden.
112
00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:47,821
That's right.
113
00:04:47,855 --> 00:04:50,324
That's why Moses got
his smashing stick
114
00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:53,327
and went and he smashed
that golden calf.
115
00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:56,464
(chuckles)
He smashed it real good.
116
00:04:56,497 --> 00:04:59,333
(laughs)
Smash, smash.
117
00:04:59,367 --> 00:05:01,469
Smash! Smash!
118
00:05:01,502 --> 00:05:02,836
(laughs)
119
00:05:02,870 --> 00:05:04,838
Okay!
120
00:05:04,872 --> 00:05:06,507
Oh!
Oh!
121
00:05:09,042 --> 00:05:10,878
Wh-Why'd you smash your phone?
122
00:05:10,911 --> 00:05:13,547
Wh... he told me to.
123
00:05:13,581 --> 00:05:15,883
I didn't tell you
to smash your phone.
124
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:19,052
You said the word "smash,"
like, 70 times.
125
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,722
I thought maybe
you'd turn it off
126
00:05:21,755 --> 00:05:24,592
and put it in a drawer
for a day.
Okay.
127
00:05:24,625 --> 00:05:27,895
You think maybe if I put it
in a bag of rice?
128
00:05:35,503 --> 00:05:37,905
Oh, Chip, please tell me
you insured your phone.
129
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:39,139
Yes, of course I did,
130
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:42,142
but apparently, intentionally
destroying it isn't covered.
131
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,945
It's like,
what am I paying you for?
132
00:05:44,978 --> 00:05:46,547
Why didn't you just lie?
133
00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,950
(sighs) Jesus.
Jesus.
134
00:05:49,983 --> 00:05:52,886
So, I am going
phoneless, obviously.
135
00:05:52,920 --> 00:05:55,656
And while I'm at it,
no social media,
136
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:56,857
and no surfing the Net.
137
00:05:56,890 --> 00:05:58,091
Hm.
Oh.
138
00:05:58,125 --> 00:06:00,894
You know why those things have
an apple on them, don't you?
139
00:06:00,928 --> 00:06:03,464
Temptation. Huh?
Think about it.
140
00:06:04,565 --> 00:06:07,000
Since I won't have
my phone tomorrow,
141
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:09,470
it means I will not have
any of my beloved apps,
142
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:10,838
and so I have replaced them
143
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:12,406
with all of their
old-school counterparts.
144
00:06:12,440 --> 00:06:13,807
Mm.
145
00:06:13,841 --> 00:06:16,410
We have: a watch, a map...
146
00:06:16,444 --> 00:06:17,411
Okay.
147
00:06:17,445 --> 00:06:19,413
...a compass,
148
00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:24,518
calculator--huh?-- Discman,
149
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:27,154
a disposable camera
150
00:06:28,221 --> 00:06:30,424
and, of course, my Bible.
151
00:06:33,594 --> 00:06:36,464
Just... get in there.
152
00:06:36,497 --> 00:06:37,931
Ha. (chuckles)
153
00:06:37,965 --> 00:06:40,434
Check this out.
Old-school selfie.
154
00:06:44,805 --> 00:06:46,674
That'll be fun
155
00:06:46,707 --> 00:06:48,909
to look at in a month.
(chuckles)
156
00:06:48,942 --> 00:06:50,511
Chip, now that you've
gone all '90s,
157
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,946
how is your pregnant wife
supposed to get ahold of you
158
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,014
in the present?
159
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,649
Glad you asked that.
160
00:06:55,683 --> 00:06:57,751
I have reactivated
my old beeper.
161
00:06:57,785 --> 00:06:59,587
Huh?
162
00:06:59,620 --> 00:07:01,989
So, now you can reach me
in case of emergency.
163
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:03,957
Okay, good,
'cause this already feels
164
00:07:03,991 --> 00:07:05,225
like a huge emergency to me.
165
00:07:05,258 --> 00:07:06,627
(laughs)
166
00:07:06,660 --> 00:07:07,628
Come in bed.
167
00:07:07,661 --> 00:07:10,831
Woo-hoo! This is gonna be great.
168
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:17,037
It's noon.
Where the hell is Chip?
169
00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,806
I don't know.
I'm not his mama.
170
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,510
Sorry, Ms. Meadows.
I'm on no sleep.
171
00:07:22,543 --> 00:07:24,244
I got obsessed with
this ten-part documentary
172
00:07:24,277 --> 00:07:26,580
called Cereal Killer.
I was up all night.
173
00:07:26,614 --> 00:07:28,516
I don't get serial killers.
174
00:07:28,549 --> 00:07:31,184
You want to kill one person,
fine, but then cool it.
175
00:07:31,218 --> 00:07:33,186
No, cereal like
breakfast cereal.
176
00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,655
It's about this girl
that's the heir
177
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,790
to the Cocoa Puffs fortune
and then she just...
178
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:38,091
Vanished into thin air.
179
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:40,594
I was up all night, too.
180
00:07:40,628 --> 00:07:41,995
This is my ninth coffee today.
181
00:07:42,029 --> 00:07:45,198
I've spent more time peeing
than not peeing.
182
00:07:45,232 --> 00:07:46,299
Where is Chip?
183
00:07:46,333 --> 00:07:48,769
I sent him a text last night.
He never responded.
184
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,103
Strong emoji use, too.
185
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:53,206
The black guy and a white guy
was high-fiving.
186
00:07:53,240 --> 00:07:54,775
I figured he'd know it was us.
187
00:07:54,808 --> 00:07:56,577
Yeah, he hasn't tweeted either,
188
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:57,778
and that boy tweets
way too much.
189
00:07:57,811 --> 00:08:02,282
Yet I get banned for posting
one tasteful topless selfie.
190
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:05,586
Okay, I don't care about
the tweeting or the texting,
191
00:08:05,619 --> 00:08:07,655
I just want to know
why he isn't here.
192
00:08:07,688 --> 00:08:09,723
Vince, call him.
He's your work wife.
193
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:12,560
Oh, just like you and me.
Right, Ms. Meadows?
194
00:08:12,593 --> 00:08:15,095
No, Cheryl.
A thousand times, no.
195
00:08:16,597 --> 00:08:19,299
Straight to voice mail.
That's weird.
196
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,001
Just like in the documentary,
197
00:08:21,034 --> 00:08:22,803
when they call
that missing Cocoa Puffs girl.
198
00:08:22,836 --> 00:08:24,638
Well, you don't think
he's missing?
199
00:08:24,672 --> 00:08:27,274
Okay, you guys are
all cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
200
00:08:29,342 --> 00:08:32,546
(doorbell rings)
(grunts)
201
00:08:32,580 --> 00:08:34,982
Leslie?
202
00:08:35,015 --> 00:08:38,185
What time is it?
203
00:08:40,220 --> 00:08:43,090
(gasps) Stupid watch.
204
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:45,225
This is why phones replaced you.
205
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:45,525
(doorbell rings)
206
00:08:45,559 --> 00:08:46,293
Yeah.
207
00:08:47,360 --> 00:08:49,129
Hey, man.
208
00:08:49,162 --> 00:08:51,999
Ooh, gift. Ah, do you
know what time it is?
209
00:08:52,032 --> 00:08:53,967
Little after noon.
What?
210
00:08:54,001 --> 00:08:58,038
Sorry, it's supposed to be here
three hours ago, but, eh.
211
00:08:58,071 --> 00:09:01,274
I got to get to work.
Oh, my gosh. What is this?
212
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,911
Salami and beer and, ooh,
213
00:09:03,944 --> 00:09:05,579
cheese that doesn't need
to be refrigerated.
214
00:09:05,613 --> 00:09:07,247
These are all my
favorite things. (laughs)
215
00:09:07,280 --> 00:09:10,784
Oh, no.
216
00:09:10,818 --> 00:09:13,053
(sighs) It's my
"Love-Aversary."
217
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:16,023
Yeah, I don't know
what that is. Um...
218
00:09:16,056 --> 00:09:17,357
Please sign here, sir.
219
00:09:17,390 --> 00:09:19,326
Oh, you don't understand,
delivery guy,
220
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,961
my wife sent me this basket
221
00:09:20,994 --> 00:09:23,063
because this is the day
we celebrate the first time
222
00:09:23,096 --> 00:09:25,298
we said, "I love you."
It's our "Love-Aversary."
223
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:27,935
Uh, just an "x" is fine.
224
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:31,271
I always forget, too.
225
00:09:31,304 --> 00:09:34,274
That's why, the night before,
I get an alert on my phone,
226
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:35,976
but I don't have
my phone anymore.
227
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:39,012
I smashed it
because of the Bible.
228
00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:41,915
I'll just sign it.
229
00:09:42,983 --> 00:09:45,352
Bless me Father,
for I have sinned.
230
00:09:45,385 --> 00:09:47,721
I'm having an affair
with my boss.
231
00:09:47,755 --> 00:09:50,023
Can't look my wife in the eye.
It's tearing me apart.
232
00:09:51,358 --> 00:09:52,159
Ding-dong.
233
00:09:53,393 --> 00:09:56,830
Sorry to interrupt.
What was your name?
234
00:09:56,864 --> 00:09:58,365
Uh... Rick.
235
00:09:58,398 --> 00:10:00,634
Rick, I need help.
Can I borrow Father Gene?
236
00:10:00,668 --> 00:10:02,369
Chip, you can't
just barge in here.
237
00:10:02,402 --> 00:10:03,470
Oh, no.
It's not a barge.
238
00:10:03,503 --> 00:10:05,238
It's just a little pop-in
before I get on the subway.
239
00:10:05,272 --> 00:10:07,775
You can't pop in either.
Who are you, Kramer?
240
00:10:07,808 --> 00:10:09,142
Wait outside.
241
00:10:09,176 --> 00:10:11,411
You don't understand.
I forgot my "Love-Aversary."
242
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,046
I don't know what that is.
243
00:10:13,080 --> 00:10:15,883
It's the anni...
244
00:10:15,916 --> 00:10:18,752
Rick, can you scooch?
245
00:10:18,786 --> 00:10:20,053
It's the anniversary
of the first time
246
00:10:20,087 --> 00:10:22,022
my wife and I said,
"I love you."
247
00:10:22,055 --> 00:10:25,092
She got me a great gift, and I
don't have anything for her.
248
00:10:25,125 --> 00:10:26,794
How is this more
important than my thing?
249
00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:30,063
It's not a competition, Rick.
We're both sinners.
250
00:10:30,097 --> 00:10:32,332
Chip, this isn't
a priest problem.
251
00:10:32,365 --> 00:10:34,134
Can't you call somebody
else about this?
252
00:10:34,167 --> 00:10:36,770
No, I can't because you
told me to smash my phone.
253
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:38,105
No, I didn't. Gil did.
254
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,809
Look, I know that she
really wants Beyoncé tickets,
255
00:10:41,842 --> 00:10:43,076
but they're totally sold out.
256
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:44,912
Go to the box office.
257
00:10:44,945 --> 00:10:46,847
Sometimes miracles happen.
258
00:10:46,880 --> 00:10:48,949
Are you just trying
to get rid of me?
259
00:10:48,982 --> 00:10:50,117
Yes.
Yes.
260
00:10:50,150 --> 00:10:52,686
Okay, box office.
261
00:10:52,720 --> 00:10:54,021
I'll go there right now.
(chuckles)
262
00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:55,455
Don't you have a job?
263
00:10:55,488 --> 00:10:58,058
And we're back
to the Rick Show.
264
00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:00,093
Yes, I do have a job.
265
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:02,262
But today
I'm putting love first.
266
00:11:02,295 --> 00:11:04,832
Something Mrs. Rick
might appreciate.
267
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:11,772
I got to get a lock
on that curtain.
268
00:11:17,377 --> 00:11:19,379
Where am I?
269
00:11:20,914 --> 00:11:22,883
I've walked off the map.
270
00:11:22,916 --> 00:11:25,185
I've walked off the edge
of the map.
271
00:11:25,218 --> 00:11:27,888
This is why phones replaced you.
272
00:11:27,921 --> 00:11:30,858
Oh, hey, excuse me,
could you...?
273
00:11:30,891 --> 00:11:32,059
Of course you are.
274
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:36,229
(sighs) Come on. You made it
30 years without a stupid phone.
275
00:11:36,263 --> 00:11:39,432
You got a big, beautiful brain.
Use it!
276
00:11:39,466 --> 00:11:41,434
Ah, compass.
277
00:11:41,468 --> 00:11:42,502
Thank you, brain.
278
00:11:42,535 --> 00:11:46,974
Okay. So, this way is northeast.
279
00:11:47,007 --> 00:11:49,009
How does that help me?
280
00:11:51,011 --> 00:11:52,746
I just called Chip again.
281
00:11:52,780 --> 00:11:54,047
Went straight to voice mail.
282
00:11:54,081 --> 00:11:55,315
What kind of lazy bastard
doesn't even bother
283
00:11:55,348 --> 00:11:57,484
to call in sick to work?
284
00:11:57,517 --> 00:11:59,920
Um, maybe the kind
of lazy bastard
285
00:11:59,953 --> 00:12:01,288
that's recently been murdered?
286
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,090
He's fine, Cheryl.
287
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:04,324
I'll prove it.
288
00:12:04,357 --> 00:12:07,160
There's nothing Chip likes more
than watching videos of people
289
00:12:07,194 --> 00:12:09,797
getting hit in the face
with pies...
290
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:13,466
except watching videos of people
fall off of treadmills.
291
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:16,003
Well, I'm about to post
a video of a guy
292
00:12:16,036 --> 00:12:17,170
getting hit in the face
with a pie
293
00:12:17,204 --> 00:12:18,538
while falling off
of a treadmill.
294
00:12:18,571 --> 00:12:20,908
And if he doesn't hit
295
00:12:20,941 --> 00:12:23,276
that "like" button,
then we worry.
296
00:12:23,310 --> 00:12:25,312
(phone chimes)
297
00:12:28,916 --> 00:12:32,352
And so... we wait.
298
00:12:35,355 --> 00:12:37,190
This is boring as ass.
299
00:12:38,191 --> 00:12:40,961
Vince, please,
call his wife.
300
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,329
Good idea.
301
00:12:42,362 --> 00:12:44,231
(exhales)
302
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:46,133
Hey, Leslie.
It's Vince.
303
00:12:46,166 --> 00:12:48,301
Hey, uh, you know
where Chip is?
304
00:12:48,335 --> 00:12:51,939
At work? Yeah,
sure he is. Yes.
305
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,542
Oh, oh, here he is now.
306
00:12:55,575 --> 00:12:57,978
Hey, Chip.
307
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,880
Oh, he brought me coffee.
Cool, thanks a lot, Chip.
308
00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:02,149
Ooh, almond milk. Just
the way I like it.
309
00:13:02,182 --> 00:13:05,452
(laughs)
310
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:08,288
Yo, you hilarious,
Chip. (chuckles)
311
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:10,157
Okay, got to go, Leslie.
312
00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:11,291
Talk to you later.
313
00:13:11,324 --> 00:13:13,126
Chip's dead.
314
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:19,967
Obviously sad, but once
we've processed it,
315
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,134
I'd love credit
for being right.
316
00:13:21,168 --> 00:13:25,305
Okay. No more coffee
for you two.
317
00:13:25,338 --> 00:13:29,609
You cracked-out morons
are all jacked up on beans.
318
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,979
All right, before we
declare Chip dead,
319
00:13:32,012 --> 00:13:33,513
let's just check
his calendar.
320
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:36,149
He's a film critic.
Maybe he's at a film.
321
00:13:36,183 --> 00:13:40,087
(chuckles)
Seems like a pretty big leap,
but okay.
322
00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:43,290
A bloody shirt.
323
00:13:43,323 --> 00:13:45,192
Okay, that is not ideal.
324
00:13:45,225 --> 00:13:46,259
Is that Chip's blood?
325
00:13:55,635 --> 00:13:57,170
No clue.
326
00:14:00,107 --> 00:14:03,243
A bloody shirt,
no like on my video.
327
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:04,912
Ms. Meadows, my best friend
is in trouble.
328
00:14:04,945 --> 00:14:06,079
I'm going to his apartment.
329
00:14:06,113 --> 00:14:07,180
I'm going, too.
330
00:14:07,214 --> 00:14:08,181
Do you guys
seriously think
331
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:09,917
something happened to Chip?
332
00:14:09,950 --> 00:14:11,184
I mean, he's gonna be fine.
333
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:13,286
He's got God on his side by now.
334
00:14:14,955 --> 00:14:16,289
All right, go ahead.
335
00:14:16,323 --> 00:14:18,391
Just text me when
you know he's okay.
336
00:14:18,425 --> 00:14:20,260
Oh, damn it. I'm coming, too.
337
00:14:22,162 --> 00:14:24,998
Should we still text you
if we know he's okay?
338
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,301
Don't worry, Chip.
339
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:31,905
You're in pretty
good hands.
340
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:37,544
Excuse me, ma'am.
I am not a predator.
341
00:14:37,577 --> 00:14:39,246
I'm just... (shouts)
342
00:14:39,279 --> 00:14:41,281
I said I was not a predator.
343
00:14:41,314 --> 00:14:43,583
Hey. Hey, gents.
Could you point me
344
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:44,918
in the direction
of the Barclays Center?
345
00:14:44,952 --> 00:14:46,586
(laughing)
346
00:14:46,619 --> 00:14:48,956
(forced laugh)
Yeah, the big, old nerd
347
00:14:48,989 --> 00:14:51,291
in the fanny pack's
funny, isn't it?
348
00:14:51,324 --> 00:14:53,426
That phone is
your golden calf, player.
349
00:14:53,460 --> 00:14:55,162
Hey.
350
00:14:55,195 --> 00:14:57,164
You boys ever read
the Bible? Hmm?
351
00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:58,165
Sir.
Yeah.
352
00:14:58,198 --> 00:14:59,366
What is going on here?
353
00:14:59,399 --> 00:15:01,368
Nothing. I was, uh, just telling
these kids that they're all
354
00:15:01,401 --> 00:15:02,569
going to hell.
Is that illegal?
355
00:15:02,602 --> 00:15:04,237
It's not great.
356
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:07,407
Look, I am just trying to find
the Barclays Center box office.
357
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:10,377
It's northeast.
I don't know what that means!
358
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,611
Half a mile that way,
359
00:15:11,644 --> 00:15:13,346
but they're closing
in about ten minutes.
360
00:15:13,380 --> 00:15:15,983
Oh. Thank you.
I will see you in heaven.
361
00:15:21,688 --> 00:15:23,590
Oh. No, no, wait.
Please, please!
362
00:15:23,623 --> 00:15:26,459
We don't sell Wiggles tickets
to single men anymore, sir.
363
00:15:26,493 --> 00:15:29,362
What? No. No.
364
00:15:29,396 --> 00:15:30,597
Please say you can help me.
365
00:15:30,630 --> 00:15:32,365
My wife really wants
Beyoncé tickets.
366
00:15:32,399 --> 00:15:34,701
And I really want a chair
back here, but life's not fair.
367
00:15:34,734 --> 00:15:36,403
It's sold out.
368
00:15:36,436 --> 00:15:39,139
(sighs)
Man.
369
00:15:39,172 --> 00:15:41,374
It's just that...
(sighs)
370
00:15:41,408 --> 00:15:43,310
...today is our Love-Aversary.
371
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:45,745
Let me explain.
372
00:15:45,778 --> 00:15:46,846
The Love-Aversary
is the anniver...
373
00:15:46,879 --> 00:15:50,517
Anniversary of when you
first said "I love you." Duh.
374
00:15:50,550 --> 00:15:52,752
(laughs)
Yes! Thank you.
375
00:15:52,785 --> 00:15:54,654
I celebrate that
with my husband, too,
376
00:15:54,687 --> 00:15:56,489
but nobody ever knows
what we're talking about.
377
00:15:56,523 --> 00:15:58,725
Ah, and isn't it just a way
more important milestone
378
00:15:58,758 --> 00:16:00,994
than the first date?
Why don't more people do it?
379
00:16:01,028 --> 00:16:02,762
I guess the world is
running out of romantics.
380
00:16:02,795 --> 00:16:05,332
(scoffs)
Ain't that the truth.
381
00:16:05,365 --> 00:16:08,335
Hmm. A couple of house seats
got released this morning.
382
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:10,637
I was gonna scalp 'em,
but you seem like a sweet guy.
383
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,639
And who am I to mess up
a Love-Aversary?
384
00:16:12,672 --> 00:16:14,641
Oh. You're giving those to me?
385
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:17,177
(chuckles) You charming,
but you ain't that charming.
386
00:16:17,210 --> 00:16:18,411
A hundred each.
387
00:16:18,445 --> 00:16:20,013
Oh. Yes. Of course.
388
00:16:20,047 --> 00:16:22,215
Thank you so much.
389
00:16:22,249 --> 00:16:23,683
She is gonna flip.
390
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:27,054
Oh, oh, look at this,
this is beautiful.
391
00:16:27,087 --> 00:16:29,322
Paper tickets with a...
(sniffs)
392
00:16:29,356 --> 00:16:31,758
...uh, paper ticket smell.
393
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:34,694
Me and you, just two
human beings connecting. Huh?
394
00:16:34,727 --> 00:16:36,696
Oh, I'll tell you what,
you couldn't get this
395
00:16:36,729 --> 00:16:38,698
by clicking a button
on your phone, huh?
396
00:16:38,731 --> 00:16:40,267
Mm-hmm. Phones are evil.
397
00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:41,634
I hate my friends
because of Instagram.
398
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:42,735
I know. (laughs)
399
00:16:45,538 --> 00:16:47,207
Okay, you two, listen up.
400
00:16:47,240 --> 00:16:50,043
Leslie may be about
to find out she's a widow,
401
00:16:50,077 --> 00:16:53,380
a pregnant widow.
402
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:58,051
And as Chip's boss, I feel
it falls on me to say...
403
00:16:58,085 --> 00:17:01,221
Vince, you do the talking.
404
00:17:01,254 --> 00:17:03,456
Keep in mind,
there's an 80% chance
405
00:17:03,490 --> 00:17:05,392
that Leslie is the murderer.
406
00:17:06,826 --> 00:17:08,161
What are you basing that on?
407
00:17:08,195 --> 00:17:10,029
She's married to Chip.
408
00:17:11,864 --> 00:17:13,700
What are you
guys doing here?
409
00:17:13,733 --> 00:17:14,801
Hey, man!
410
00:17:14,834 --> 00:17:16,536
Happy to see you alive!
411
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:18,505
Thanks.
412
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:21,341
Oh, Ms. Meadows, I'm so sorry
I didn't call into work today.
413
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:22,209
I...
414
00:17:22,242 --> 00:17:24,411
What are you guys doing
at my apartment?
415
00:17:24,444 --> 00:17:26,246
They thought you were dead,
416
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:27,714
but it looks like you
were playing hooky.
417
00:17:27,747 --> 00:17:29,816
Huge mistake
not being dead.
418
00:17:31,551 --> 00:17:33,653
Wait, so if you're
so not dead,
419
00:17:33,686 --> 00:17:35,522
why was there a bloody
shirt in your desk?
420
00:17:35,555 --> 00:17:37,157
Bloody shirt?
421
00:17:37,190 --> 00:17:39,192
You mean the one
covered in salsa?
422
00:17:41,828 --> 00:17:46,399
You can't taste the difference
between blood and salsa?
423
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:49,469
I've never had salsa.
424
00:17:49,502 --> 00:17:52,172
What are you?
425
00:17:53,873 --> 00:17:56,143
Look, I'm sorry
I worried you guys.
426
00:17:56,176 --> 00:17:59,379
I-I smashed my phone yesterday,
and, uh... (chuckles)
427
00:17:59,412 --> 00:18:00,747
...I actually had the best day
without it.
428
00:18:00,780 --> 00:18:01,681
Well, you got to let me know
429
00:18:01,714 --> 00:18:02,949
if you're gonna smash
your phone, Chip.
430
00:18:02,982 --> 00:18:06,619
Here I am sending pie/treadmill
videos, getting nothing back.
431
00:18:06,653 --> 00:18:08,521
I'm sorry.
432
00:18:08,555 --> 00:18:10,157
I got to get some sleep.
433
00:18:10,190 --> 00:18:12,225
What's going on out here?
434
00:18:12,259 --> 00:18:14,294
Whoa! Watch your
backs, people!
435
00:18:15,562 --> 00:18:17,264
Let it go, Cheryl. Damn.
436
00:18:19,266 --> 00:18:23,636
I, uh, I was actually about
to tell these guys that, uh,
437
00:18:23,670 --> 00:18:27,407
I got the woman
I love... these.
438
00:18:27,440 --> 00:18:28,575
Tickets to Beyoncé?!
439
00:18:28,608 --> 00:18:31,211
(laughs)
440
00:18:31,244 --> 00:18:32,845
Happy Love-Aversary.
441
00:18:32,879 --> 00:18:34,847
Oh.
What the hell is
a Love-Aversary?
442
00:18:34,881 --> 00:18:37,617
It's when...
You know what, don't tell me.
It's just gonna piss me off.
443
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:40,487
I am leaving now.
444
00:18:40,520 --> 00:18:42,522
And happy whatever.
445
00:18:42,555 --> 00:18:44,257
Well, wait a minute.
446
00:18:44,291 --> 00:18:45,492
You know, we're all here,
447
00:18:45,525 --> 00:18:47,627
and we don't really hang out
outside of work.
448
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,296
Les, you all right
if these guys come in
449
00:18:49,329 --> 00:18:50,463
and have a celebratory drink?
450
00:18:50,497 --> 00:18:52,832
I got my Beyoncé tickets,
they can do whatever they want.
451
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:56,569
Plus, you got that big basket
of salami inside, so...
452
00:18:56,603 --> 00:19:00,307
Oh, I wasn't gonna tell
them about the salami.
453
00:19:00,340 --> 00:19:02,575
But, uh, yeah, come on in, gang,
454
00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:03,676
and, uh, celebrate
our love with us.
455
00:19:03,710 --> 00:19:04,844
Oh!
456
00:19:04,877 --> 00:19:06,279
How about this?
457
00:19:06,313 --> 00:19:07,547
Let's turn off
our phones, huh?
458
00:19:07,580 --> 00:19:08,848
Fat chance.
459
00:19:08,881 --> 00:19:11,551
Here. Would you take these,
please? Thank you.
460
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:13,553
Ooh, is that the cheese you
don't have to refrigerate?
461
00:19:13,586 --> 00:19:15,588
(groans)
462
00:19:17,290 --> 00:19:19,392
Thank you so much
for my tickets.
463
00:19:19,426 --> 00:19:21,294
I can't imagine what you
went through to get them.
464
00:19:21,328 --> 00:19:23,296
Oh, well, you won't
have to imagine it
465
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:24,931
because a teenager filmed me
and I'm sure you'll be able
466
00:19:24,964 --> 00:19:27,500
to check it out on YouTube.
467
00:19:27,534 --> 00:19:28,901
Happy Love-Aversary, baby.
468
00:19:28,935 --> 00:19:31,604
Oh, you, too.
469
00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:34,507
Oh, I'll tell you what, my
little old-school adventure
470
00:19:34,541 --> 00:19:37,710
was so rewarding today
and I-I just really got
471
00:19:37,744 --> 00:19:39,912
to experience
every minute of it
472
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:42,849
because I wasn't buried
in my stupid phone.
473
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:45,552
Oh, my God.
Look where section seven is.
474
00:19:45,585 --> 00:19:48,555
I'm just kidding.
475
00:19:48,588 --> 00:19:50,923
I love you more
than the first time I said it.
476
00:19:50,957 --> 00:19:53,460
Aw.
477
00:19:53,493 --> 00:19:54,761
(chuckles)
478
00:19:54,794 --> 00:19:57,797
All right, come on.
479
00:19:57,830 --> 00:20:00,967
Oh, come on, Cheryl.
At least cut the salami.
480
00:20:07,039 --> 00:20:08,575
You sure you're not upset
I'm going to Beyoncé
481
00:20:08,608 --> 00:20:09,676
with someone else?
No.
482
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:12,712
I want you to go with somebody
who's a fan.
(chuckles)
483
00:20:12,745 --> 00:20:14,814
I'm just gonna finish
my column on false idols.
484
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:16,683
And to honor your false idol,
485
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:19,886
I am having a glass of lemonade.
486
00:20:21,621 --> 00:20:23,590
Use a coaster.
487
00:20:23,623 --> 00:20:25,024
You don't want
to put a ring on it.
488
00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:26,693
Oh. (laughs)
489
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,228
(knock on door)
LESLIE: Oh.
490
00:20:39,439 --> 00:20:42,008
I appreciate the
invite, Leslie.
491
00:20:42,041 --> 00:20:44,444
Are we pregaming here or
going straight to the Hive?
492
00:20:46,479 --> 00:20:49,015
Oh, Hive, absolutely.
493
00:20:49,048 --> 00:20:51,618
Are you wearing glitter?
494
00:20:51,651 --> 00:20:53,052
Are you not?
495
00:20:53,085 --> 00:20:55,054
Captioning sponsored by
CBS and WARNER BROS. TELEVISION
496
00:20:55,087 --> 00:20:57,424
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
35488
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof