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1
00:00:04,805 --> 00:00:06,374
Hey, man, you open?
2
00:00:06,407 --> 00:00:07,708
Yeah, church is always open.
3
00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:08,776
We're like Heaven Eleven.
4
00:00:08,809 --> 00:00:10,044
(laughs)
5
00:00:10,078 --> 00:00:11,712
That's good.
6
00:00:11,745 --> 00:00:13,747
I'll start.
Mm.
7
00:00:15,683 --> 00:00:18,652
Hi. Chip Curry, lapsed Catholic.
8
00:00:18,686 --> 00:00:21,722
Um, I'm not really here
to confess. Is that weird?
9
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,591
Little bit, yeah.
10
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,759
If you're not confessing,
we're just two grown men
11
00:00:25,793 --> 00:00:28,529
talking in a tiny closet.
12
00:00:28,562 --> 00:00:30,831
Okay, well, let me think, uh...
13
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:33,734
Very often, I will hit
the "close door" button
14
00:00:33,767 --> 00:00:36,070
in the elevator as
a senior citizen is approaching.
15
00:00:37,771 --> 00:00:41,609
They're just so slow, Father.
16
00:00:41,642 --> 00:00:43,644
I actually agree. Go on.
17
00:00:45,479 --> 00:00:49,683
Well, a couple times a year,
I like to get a little...
18
00:00:49,717 --> 00:00:52,086
stoned, Father.
19
00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:55,689
I, uh, buy a bunch of ice cream
and Cheez-Its
20
00:00:55,723 --> 00:00:57,391
and just eat it all
Muppet style.
21
00:00:57,425 --> 00:00:58,792
You know...
(munching)
22
00:00:58,826 --> 00:01:00,561
(laughs) Um,
23
00:01:00,594 --> 00:01:03,531
how does the Church
feel about marijuana?
24
00:01:03,564 --> 00:01:06,367
We don't love it.
25
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,602
Yeah, I figured.
26
00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:10,804
John 4:20.
27
00:01:14,775 --> 00:01:17,211
Look, uh, you know,
for the most part,
28
00:01:17,245 --> 00:01:20,448
I'm a good man,
but I want to be great.
29
00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:23,684
And, I know it sounds crazy,
but the real reason I'm here
30
00:01:23,717 --> 00:01:26,454
is because I've decided
to live my life
31
00:01:26,487 --> 00:01:28,689
one hundred percent
by the Bible.
32
00:01:28,722 --> 00:01:31,192
You mean in-in general, right?
33
00:01:31,225 --> 00:01:33,261
Oh, no, Father.
To the letter.
34
00:01:35,329 --> 00:01:37,831
(laughing)
35
00:01:40,701 --> 00:01:42,236
To the letter!
36
00:01:42,270 --> 00:01:44,772
(continues laughing)
37
00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:46,407
Are you stoned now?
38
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:47,375
(laughs)
39
00:01:47,408 --> 00:01:49,510
(munching)
40
00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,215
*
41
00:01:56,717 --> 00:01:58,552
So, Chip, how did you
come to the decision
42
00:01:58,586 --> 00:02:00,254
to live your life this way?
43
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:02,556
Well, it all started when
my buddy Ray died.
44
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:05,226
We'd been best friends
for 30 years,
45
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:06,727
so it pretty much sucked.
46
00:02:06,760 --> 00:02:08,329
*
47
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:11,732
Easy, dude!
48
00:02:11,765 --> 00:02:13,801
Chip...
49
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:17,705
honey, maybe you should find
a way to say good-bye to Ray.
50
00:02:17,738 --> 00:02:20,641
Ah, what's that
gonna do, Leslie?
51
00:02:20,674 --> 00:02:22,410
You got to grieve, boo.
52
00:02:22,443 --> 00:02:25,513
This guy's doing
some serious grieving.
53
00:02:27,781 --> 00:02:29,483
I love you.
54
00:02:29,517 --> 00:02:30,618
Aw, you, too.
55
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,820
Come say hi to Ray's mom.
56
00:02:33,821 --> 00:02:35,656
Ms. Murphy?
57
00:02:35,689 --> 00:02:36,957
Chippy!
58
00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,626
And Leslie!
59
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,195
Oh, bless your hearts.
60
00:02:41,229 --> 00:02:44,898
Oh, my Ray-Ray
just loved you two so much.
61
00:02:44,932 --> 00:02:46,500
Well, we loved him, too.
62
00:02:46,534 --> 00:02:48,436
And I know it's cliché,
but he's in a better place.
63
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:49,637
No, he's not.
64
00:02:51,239 --> 00:02:54,508
Raymond is in
Devil Country now.
65
00:02:54,542 --> 00:02:57,811
Area code 666.
66
00:02:59,847 --> 00:03:01,782
No, why would
you say that?
67
00:03:01,815 --> 00:03:03,451
Well, because he is, dear.
68
00:03:03,484 --> 00:03:05,853
He stopped going to church.
69
00:03:05,886 --> 00:03:07,888
Ah, well, so did I.
70
00:03:07,921 --> 00:03:09,757
Oh.
(chuckles)
71
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:12,326
So you'll see each other again.
72
00:03:16,564 --> 00:03:17,698
Believe it or not,
73
00:03:17,731 --> 00:03:19,233
the compassionate words
of Ray's mom
74
00:03:19,267 --> 00:03:20,768
did nothing to make me
feel better,
75
00:03:20,801 --> 00:03:22,770
so I tried to lose myself
in my job.
76
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:23,904
I review movies
77
00:03:23,937 --> 00:03:25,273
for a newspaper
in Manhattan.
78
00:03:25,306 --> 00:03:26,740
Unfortunately,
79
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,409
I work with this guy Gary.
80
00:03:28,442 --> 00:03:30,578
Hey, Chip, check it out.
81
00:03:30,611 --> 00:03:33,281
Hooked up with this chick
Josie from CrossFit
82
00:03:33,314 --> 00:03:34,548
last night.
83
00:03:34,582 --> 00:03:36,617
Hottest caboose
I have ever seen.
84
00:03:36,650 --> 00:03:37,818
That's nice.
85
00:03:37,851 --> 00:03:39,320
Aside from my wife, of course.
86
00:03:39,353 --> 00:03:40,821
Yeah.
87
00:03:40,854 --> 00:03:43,824
You know, Gary, our
wives are friends,
88
00:03:43,857 --> 00:03:46,894
so I'd kind of rather you not CC
me on all your sexploits, okay?
89
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,329
(sighs)
90
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:49,963
Would you calm down?
91
00:03:49,997 --> 00:03:51,765
Bro code, right?
92
00:03:53,701 --> 00:03:54,935
Sure, bro.
93
00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:58,939
Just a little bit of
locker room talk, dawg!
94
00:04:00,508 --> 00:04:01,909
Unbelievable.
(groans)
95
00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:03,377
How is it that I'm single
and that guy
96
00:04:03,411 --> 00:04:04,945
has a wife
and a mistress?
97
00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:07,748
Hate Gary.
Hate Gary!
98
00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:10,017
(groans) He's just
the absolute worst.
99
00:04:10,050 --> 00:04:11,685
If Gary were a Uber driver,
100
00:04:11,719 --> 00:04:13,521
he'd have a "two" rating
and no gum.
101
00:04:13,554 --> 00:04:15,589
(laughs)
102
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,858
Oh, okay, if Gary
were a Jonas brother,
103
00:04:17,891 --> 00:04:19,993
he'd be Frankie.
104
00:04:20,027 --> 00:04:23,764
If Gary were a Twilight movie,
he'd be all of them.
105
00:04:23,797 --> 00:04:25,599
(laughs)
106
00:04:27,868 --> 00:04:29,903
So, how you
holding up, man?
Mmm.
107
00:04:29,937 --> 00:04:32,340
Good.
108
00:04:32,373 --> 00:04:33,907
Look, I know
we don't usually get...
109
00:04:33,941 --> 00:04:36,577
deep, but if you want to talk
about your friend, I'm here.
110
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:38,379
You worked all night
on that, didn't you?
111
00:04:38,412 --> 00:04:39,847
And a little bit
this morning.
112
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,449
(laughs)
113
00:04:46,454 --> 00:04:48,456
Meadows just fired him.
(sighs)
114
00:04:48,489 --> 00:04:50,724
Dude walked in to a Post-it note
on his computer screen
115
00:04:50,758 --> 00:04:51,992
that said:
"Turn me over."
116
00:04:52,025 --> 00:04:54,094
Then the other side said:
"See me."
117
00:04:54,127 --> 00:04:56,964
Why the extra step?
(groans)
118
00:04:56,997 --> 00:04:58,866
(groans)
I can't lose my job, man.
119
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:01,101
Nah, you won't.
You got passion.
120
00:05:01,134 --> 00:05:03,604
You're the best writer here,
everyone knows it.
121
00:05:03,637 --> 00:05:04,638
Meadows wouldn't fire you.
122
00:05:04,672 --> 00:05:05,806
What wouldn't I do?
123
00:05:06,707 --> 00:05:07,808
Is that the last donut, Chip?
124
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:09,477
It is the last donut,
Ms. Meadows.
125
00:05:09,510 --> 00:05:10,978
He always eats
the last one
126
00:05:11,011 --> 00:05:12,880
and he never gets any
for the office.
127
00:05:12,913 --> 00:05:14,715
Hey, you know, I drove
you to IKEA, Cheryl.
128
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:15,949
And you're gonna
play me like this?
129
00:05:15,983 --> 00:05:16,950
Like this, Cheryl?
130
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,652
All right, enough!
131
00:05:18,686 --> 00:05:19,453
Cheryl,
132
00:05:19,487 --> 00:05:20,988
you are gonna need
to wear a bell
133
00:05:21,021 --> 00:05:22,623
if you keep sneaking up
on people like that.
134
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:24,558
And you.
135
00:05:24,592 --> 00:05:27,728
Where is your review of the
reboot of the Spider-Man reboot?
136
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:29,963
(sighs) I'm so sorry.
I know it's late.
137
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:32,366
My best friend just
died and I'm...
138
00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:33,967
Oh, yeah, we all
got problems, Chip.
139
00:05:34,001 --> 00:05:36,737
My girlfriend's improv team
rehearses in my living room.
140
00:05:36,770 --> 00:05:38,872
Believe me,
I've got problems.
141
00:05:40,441 --> 00:05:43,043
But I still get my work done
on time, now, don't I?
142
00:05:43,076 --> 00:05:44,678
So, just... do better.
143
00:05:46,747 --> 00:05:47,981
Still think she
wouldn't fire me?
144
00:05:48,015 --> 00:05:50,884
No, she'll fire you.
Yeah.
145
00:05:50,918 --> 00:05:52,753
Totally.
(shouts)
146
00:05:54,588 --> 00:05:56,490
CHIP: And then,
my wife dropped the bombshell
147
00:05:56,524 --> 00:05:58,025
that brought me here today.
148
00:05:58,058 --> 00:05:59,660
Mmm.
Hey.
149
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:00,928
Hey, babe.
How was work?
150
00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:02,796
Uh, not great.
151
00:06:02,830 --> 00:06:04,965
I had to tell a patient
he had super gonorrhea.
152
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,066
Ugh.
153
00:06:06,099 --> 00:06:06,867
Got to tell ya,
154
00:06:06,900 --> 00:06:08,802
he didn't find it
all that super.
155
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:10,604
(laughs):
I wouldn't think so, no.
156
00:06:10,638 --> 00:06:12,940
No. Hey, can you
turn this off real quick?
157
00:06:12,973 --> 00:06:15,108
Yeah.
158
00:06:15,142 --> 00:06:17,511
Chip, I love you
to the moon and back,
159
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:19,980
but you have been completely
checked out since Ray died.
160
00:06:20,013 --> 00:06:21,682
You got to come
back to me,
161
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:22,950
now, okay?
162
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:25,018
I need you.
Because, honey...
163
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:27,921
...ya girl's pregnant.
164
00:06:27,955 --> 00:06:29,490
Oh, my gosh!
165
00:06:29,523 --> 00:06:31,525
Oh, this is fantastic news!
(laughs)
166
00:06:31,559 --> 00:06:33,093
Honey!
Oh...
167
00:06:33,126 --> 00:06:36,096
Oh, I am here.
I'm with you all the way, okay?
168
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:38,466
(sighs) I'll be better,
babe, I will.
169
00:06:38,499 --> 00:06:39,867
I know you will.
170
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:42,670
I mean, I don't know
you will, like, at all--
171
00:06:42,703 --> 00:06:44,104
it's actually a
pretty big concern--
172
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,474
but you better.
173
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:50,511
Excuse me, Gracie.
174
00:06:50,544 --> 00:06:52,646
Uh, do you have any books
for when you're just sort of
175
00:06:52,680 --> 00:06:55,182
an overall disaster as a person,
but are also going to be
176
00:06:55,215 --> 00:06:57,117
bringing a human child
into the world?
177
00:06:57,150 --> 00:06:59,620
Honey, I've been divorced
four times,
178
00:06:59,653 --> 00:07:01,755
I bought stock
in Blockbuster Video,
179
00:07:01,789 --> 00:07:03,223
and I work the night shift
180
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:05,158
in one of America's
last bookstores.
181
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:07,695
You don't want my advice.
182
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,096
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
183
00:07:09,129 --> 00:07:11,064
Bible. No, I--
that's an accident.
184
00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,566
I didn't mean
to get that.
185
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:14,134
You don't want it,
put it back.
186
00:07:23,010 --> 00:07:25,078
Do you believe in signs, Gracie?
187
00:07:25,112 --> 00:07:27,080
Again, you're asking
the wrong girl.
188
00:07:27,114 --> 00:07:30,050
I escaped from a cult
six months ago.
189
00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:34,555
FYI, if anyone ever starts a
sentence with "It's not a cult,"
190
00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:37,057
they are about
to describe a cult.
191
00:07:39,760 --> 00:07:41,094
Uh-huh.
192
00:07:42,229 --> 00:07:44,064
LESLIE: You didn't come
to bed last night.
193
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,065
Okay.
(clears throat)
194
00:07:45,098 --> 00:07:47,000
You know how I do that
master cleanse every year
195
00:07:47,034 --> 00:07:48,902
where I drink the mix of cayenne
pepper and lemon juice
196
00:07:48,936 --> 00:07:50,103
for two weeks,
drop, like, 20 pounds?
197
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:54,241
Of course. You pooped your pants
at Rite Aid that one time.
198
00:07:54,274 --> 00:07:57,010
I want to do that
for nine months.
199
00:07:57,044 --> 00:07:59,112
Poop your pants at Rite Aid?
No.
200
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:01,515
They banned you, remember?
Yeah.
201
00:08:01,549 --> 00:08:03,984
No, no, no.
I want to live my life
202
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:07,254
strictly according to the Bible
until our non-ugly baby arrives.
203
00:08:08,188 --> 00:08:09,857
And I got to do it all in.
204
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,592
It's like a soul cleanse.
205
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:13,894
And I can't explain it
exactly, but I feel it.
206
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,063
And this is just,
it's something I need to do.
207
00:08:16,096 --> 00:08:19,600
Uh, just changing your life like
this, that changes my life, too.
208
00:08:19,633 --> 00:08:20,934
Do you get that?
209
00:08:20,968 --> 00:08:22,903
I mean, are we still
gonna have fun?
210
00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:24,905
I'm not throwing out
my rap albums.
211
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,240
You know how much I love
my filthy, filthy sex rap.
212
00:08:28,275 --> 00:08:29,543
Listen.
213
00:08:29,577 --> 00:08:32,112
I realize
it sounds nuts, okay?
214
00:08:32,145 --> 00:08:33,947
Mm-hmm.
But I just really believe
215
00:08:33,981 --> 00:08:36,950
it's gonna make me a better
father for our son or daughter.
216
00:08:36,984 --> 00:08:38,952
Hopefully son.
217
00:08:38,986 --> 00:08:41,622
Well, what if I don't want
to raise our kid religious?
218
00:08:41,655 --> 00:08:43,791
I work in medicine.
Faith isn't so easy
219
00:08:43,824 --> 00:08:45,092
when you see the things
I see all day.
220
00:08:45,125 --> 00:08:47,260
Oh, but come on,
you got to have faith.
221
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:49,029
I mean, what about sunsets?
222
00:08:49,062 --> 00:08:52,900
Or season four of The Wire?
223
00:08:52,933 --> 00:08:55,268
Well, what about
super gonorrhea? (chuckles)
224
00:08:55,302 --> 00:08:57,738
Didn't God design that, too?
225
00:08:57,771 --> 00:09:00,207
And if so, why?
226
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:01,975
That's a great question.
227
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:03,777
I haven't gotten
to that part yet.
228
00:09:03,811 --> 00:09:07,180
Couldn't you, I don't know,
like, maybe go to church...
229
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:09,016
(sighs)
...one time,
230
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:10,651
before making
this huge commitment?
231
00:09:10,684 --> 00:09:13,186
And I am going today.
I even made an appointment.
232
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,287
They have those?
233
00:09:14,321 --> 00:09:15,155
Not generally, no.
234
00:09:15,188 --> 00:09:16,824
They were very confused
when I called.
235
00:09:16,857 --> 00:09:19,126
But look. Honey,
236
00:09:19,159 --> 00:09:21,061
don't worry, okay?
Mm-hmm.
237
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:23,731
It's gonna be the same awesome
marriage that we've always had.
238
00:09:23,764 --> 00:09:25,232
Hey, maybe even better.
239
00:09:25,265 --> 00:09:27,200
Ooh, I'd like that.
Yeah. Okay.
240
00:09:27,234 --> 00:09:28,568
Mm.
Mwah.
241
00:09:31,338 --> 00:09:33,674
Oh. Except, of course, if it
goes beyond the nine months,
242
00:09:33,707 --> 00:09:35,976
I won't be able to touch you
while you're on your period.
243
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:36,877
And if you get too crabby,
244
00:09:36,910 --> 00:09:38,812
I'm supposed to go
live in the desert.
245
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,714
You know, it's just Bible stuff.
Okay. Toodles, noodles.
246
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:43,917
And that was
this morning,
247
00:09:43,951 --> 00:09:46,687
and now here we are. Sha-bam.
248
00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,221
Hey, Chip.
Mm.
249
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,023
Do you know any short stories?
250
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,761
You do realize
it's gonna be impossible
251
00:09:53,794 --> 00:09:56,296
to truly live
by the Bible, right?
252
00:09:56,329 --> 00:09:58,198
Well... see,
I would think a priest
253
00:09:58,231 --> 00:10:00,901
would want people
to live by the Bible.
254
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:02,770
Yeah! In general,
not a hundred percent.
255
00:10:02,803 --> 00:10:03,971
It's not possible.
256
00:10:05,105 --> 00:10:06,907
You're already in breach
with your clothes.
257
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:08,742
What? Why?
258
00:10:08,776 --> 00:10:10,177
You're mixing fabrics.
259
00:10:10,210 --> 00:10:12,379
Leviticus says
"Do not wear clothing woven
260
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:14,414
from two different kinds
of thread."
261
00:10:14,447 --> 00:10:16,750
(chuckles):
Oh.
262
00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:19,787
That's a hot tip, man.
See? This is the stuff I need.
263
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,922
Oh, what do I call you, by
the way? I never got your name.
264
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,390
Ah, here. Take my card.
265
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:26,827
Father Eugenio Alberto
Del Castillo Cabeza de Vaca.
266
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,797
Father Gene is fine.
267
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:31,699
Chip, I tell
my Sunday schoolers:
268
00:10:31,732 --> 00:10:33,200
"Bible" stands for
269
00:10:33,233 --> 00:10:36,136
"Basic Instructions
Before Leaving Earth."
270
00:10:36,169 --> 00:10:37,805
That's it.
271
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,907
Yeah, but, see, basic's
never really done it for me.
272
00:10:39,940 --> 00:10:41,641
I got to go all the way.
273
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:55,155
Donuts in the heezy!
274
00:10:55,188 --> 00:10:56,256
Ha-ha!
275
00:10:56,289 --> 00:10:58,091
Hey, killer vest, Cheryl.
276
00:10:58,125 --> 00:10:59,760
Thanks. It's my dead mother's.
277
00:10:59,793 --> 00:11:00,728
No kidding.
278
00:11:02,830 --> 00:11:04,698
Dude, so, I had that chick Josie
279
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:06,033
meet me here
at the office today.
280
00:11:06,066 --> 00:11:08,001
Snuck her down to
the parking garage.
281
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:10,804
We hooked up right on
the hood of a Ford Fiesta.
282
00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:11,772
(sniffs)
283
00:11:11,805 --> 00:11:13,874
Talk about a fiesta!
284
00:11:15,909 --> 00:11:18,111
Stupid Gary.
285
00:11:18,145 --> 00:11:20,147
If Gary was a shoe,
he'd be a Croc.
286
00:11:21,815 --> 00:11:24,818
If Gary was a juice,
he'd be prune.
287
00:11:25,786 --> 00:11:27,821
Now you do one.
288
00:11:27,855 --> 00:11:28,688
I...
(exhales)
289
00:11:28,722 --> 00:11:30,123
I'm not gonna be able
to participate
290
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:31,358
in hating Gary anymore.
291
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,126
(gasps)
292
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,361
But you love hating Gary.
293
00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:35,729
W-What's up with you?
294
00:11:35,763 --> 00:11:37,064
And what's up
with your threads, man?
295
00:11:37,097 --> 00:11:38,932
You look like
a business casual ghost.
296
00:11:41,835 --> 00:11:45,038
I'm just not mixing
my fabrics anymore, okay?
297
00:11:45,072 --> 00:11:47,741
It's a long story, but I've
been trying to follow the Bible.
298
00:11:47,775 --> 00:11:49,142
Bible, huh?
Yeah.
299
00:11:49,176 --> 00:11:50,210
I thought you were about due
300
00:11:50,243 --> 00:11:51,979
for another one
of your little obsessions.
No...
301
00:11:52,012 --> 00:11:53,313
I still have a nunchuk scar
on my back
302
00:11:53,346 --> 00:11:54,581
from the last one.
Oh, look.
303
00:11:54,614 --> 00:11:57,217
That was the old me. "Live by
the 'chuks, die by the 'chuks,"
304
00:11:57,250 --> 00:11:58,418
but this is different.
305
00:12:00,187 --> 00:12:01,789
All right, man. I believe you.
306
00:12:01,822 --> 00:12:03,223
Look, I'm really serious
about this, okay?
307
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:04,892
I got to get myself
on track here,
308
00:12:04,925 --> 00:12:08,028
because, well, between us,
309
00:12:08,061 --> 00:12:09,362
Leslie's pregnant.
310
00:12:09,396 --> 00:12:10,330
What?!
Yeah.
311
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:11,431
My man. Congratulations.
312
00:12:11,464 --> 00:12:14,034
Thanks, man.
Good for you.
Get your house in order.
313
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:15,869
Hey. Chipper.
314
00:12:15,903 --> 00:12:18,005
I don't know how much of that
you heard a minute ago,
315
00:12:18,038 --> 00:12:20,140
but as always, bro code,
all right?
316
00:12:20,173 --> 00:12:22,009
Oh, by the way.
(snaps fingers)
317
00:12:22,042 --> 00:12:24,111
You look like a friggin'
Backstreet Boy.
318
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,917
What am I gonna do about Gary?
319
00:12:29,950 --> 00:12:31,084
Don't get involved.
320
00:12:31,118 --> 00:12:32,853
Ah, well, the old me
wouldn't have, but now,
321
00:12:32,886 --> 00:12:34,855
I'm gonna have to consult
my priest about it.
322
00:12:34,888 --> 00:12:36,056
Oh, you got a priest?
Yep.
323
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,258
Good idea. Ask him, then.
324
00:12:38,291 --> 00:12:40,760
Nobody knows marriage like
guys that can't get married.
325
00:12:42,029 --> 00:12:44,497
I'll take one of those, too.
326
00:12:44,531 --> 00:12:46,566
I am having the worst day.
327
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,102
I just went down to the parking
garage to get my purse.
328
00:12:49,136 --> 00:12:51,805
Giant dent on the hood
of my Fiesta.
329
00:12:55,308 --> 00:12:56,910
RABBI GIL: But it's also legal.
FATHER GENE: Oh, it is?
330
00:12:56,944 --> 00:12:58,211
Yeah.
Hey.
331
00:12:58,245 --> 00:12:59,412
Thanks for
meeting me. Okay.
332
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:01,915
So that guy Gary I was telling
you about, the one who cheats?
333
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:03,416
His wife is friends
with my wife, who's about
334
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:05,485
to be here any minute because
I'm taking her out to dinner
335
00:13:05,518 --> 00:13:07,254
to celebrate the pending birth
of my probably son.
336
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:09,322
So biblically, what should I do?
337
00:13:09,356 --> 00:13:11,491
(panting)
338
00:13:11,524 --> 00:13:13,927
Hi, I'm Rabbi Gil Ableman.
339
00:13:13,961 --> 00:13:15,863
Hey. How are you? Good.
How are you?
340
00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,264
I've never met anyone
at the beginning
341
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,331
of a psychotic break before.
342
00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:19,599
I always catch the tail end.
343
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:20,868
Huh.
344
00:13:20,901 --> 00:13:21,969
Hola, Chip, I see you took
345
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:23,971
my "no mixed fabrics" note...
346
00:13:24,004 --> 00:13:26,373
with a vengeance.
347
00:13:26,406 --> 00:13:28,842
I should've been more clear;
it doesn't have to be all white.
348
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:31,011
You can just wear,
like, 100% cotton.
349
00:13:31,044 --> 00:13:32,212
Or all denim.
350
00:13:32,245 --> 00:13:34,614
That's a sexy look.
351
00:13:34,647 --> 00:13:36,183
As for your dilemma,
352
00:13:36,216 --> 00:13:38,886
the Bible says you're supposed
to stone adulterers.
353
00:13:38,919 --> 00:13:41,388
But of course, you're not
gonna be doing that in 2018,
354
00:13:41,421 --> 00:13:42,589
'cause of jail.
355
00:13:44,657 --> 00:13:46,226
You know, this may come
as a shock,
356
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,228
but my people would say
to stay out of it.
357
00:13:48,261 --> 00:13:50,130
The Talmud states that
evil gossip kills three, right?
358
00:13:50,163 --> 00:13:51,965
The one who says it,
the one who listens,
359
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,233
and the subject of the gossip.
360
00:13:53,266 --> 00:13:54,601
So in other words,
you really can't win here,
361
00:13:54,634 --> 00:13:56,369
and you may have just
killed us all.
362
00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,239
Oh, hey. So, uh, guys?
363
00:13:59,272 --> 00:14:01,141
If you guys could just make
my new lifestyle
364
00:14:01,174 --> 00:14:02,609
seem as normal to her
as possible,
365
00:14:02,642 --> 00:14:04,077
that would really
help me out tremendously.
366
00:14:04,111 --> 00:14:07,948
We'll try, but you look
like Diane Keaton.
367
00:14:07,981 --> 00:14:09,382
Hey.
(laughs)
368
00:14:09,416 --> 00:14:10,617
You must be
369
00:14:10,650 --> 00:14:12,619
the most patient woman
in the history of time.
370
00:14:12,652 --> 00:14:14,087
(laughs)
371
00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:15,923
Pretty much, yeah.
372
00:14:15,956 --> 00:14:17,257
And you're Chip's priest.
373
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:18,225
Oh, feels weird
374
00:14:18,258 --> 00:14:19,960
saying "Chip's priest."
375
00:14:19,993 --> 00:14:21,929
I consider Chip
Catholic in the same way
376
00:14:21,962 --> 00:14:23,997
I consider the Olive
Garden Italian.
377
00:14:25,665 --> 00:14:27,667
(laughs)
I'm Rabbi Gil.
378
00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,503
Leslie.
And how are you,
uh, handling
379
00:14:30,537 --> 00:14:31,939
Chip's totally normal new life?
380
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:33,006
See, I got you, bubbie.
381
00:14:35,008 --> 00:14:37,945
Well, I am not religious
at all, and he's approaching
382
00:14:37,978 --> 00:14:40,247
"clipboard outside of
Trader Joe's" religious,
383
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:43,583
so I am not sure how we're
gonna raise a kid together.
384
00:14:43,616 --> 00:14:46,086
But other than
that... yeah.
385
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:47,654
Listen, you both want your child
386
00:14:47,687 --> 00:14:49,489
to be a kind and loving
human being, right?
387
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,124
Yes.
Absolutely.
388
00:14:51,158 --> 00:14:52,892
Then raise it that way.
The world needs more of those.
389
00:14:54,127 --> 00:14:55,495
And if you need to snip-snip,
you know...
390
00:14:57,064 --> 00:14:58,999
You can Yelp me.
391
00:14:59,032 --> 00:15:00,333
That's great. Thank you.
392
00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,035
Um, we're late for dinner.
Yes.
393
00:15:02,069 --> 00:15:05,038
It was so great meeting you
guys, but mama need pasta.
394
00:15:05,072 --> 00:15:07,040
(laughs)
Gene, I got your number.
395
00:15:07,074 --> 00:15:08,341
Happy to help, Chip.
396
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,277
You two are his
answer guys now.
397
00:15:10,310 --> 00:15:13,046
His, um, God Squad,
if you will.
398
00:15:13,080 --> 00:15:14,247
(laughs)
Oh!
399
00:15:14,281 --> 00:15:15,515
(laughs)
400
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:17,450
Will you look at this? Huh?
401
00:15:17,484 --> 00:15:20,087
A priest, a rabbi, a lapsed
Catholic and a nonbeliever
402
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:22,689
walk into a bar and...
(laughs)
403
00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:24,691
...th-they make new friends.
404
00:15:24,724 --> 00:15:26,126
(laughs)
405
00:15:26,159 --> 00:15:28,395
And I know the instinct
is to make me the Ross
406
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:29,729
because I'm somewhat Jewish,
407
00:15:29,762 --> 00:15:31,731
but I'm really
more of a Chandler,
408
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,967
and let me tell you why.
409
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:38,705
Ooh.
Ah.
410
00:15:38,738 --> 00:15:40,073
Mm-hmm.
411
00:15:40,107 --> 00:15:41,741
None for me.
Gluttony.
412
00:15:41,774 --> 00:15:44,277
One of the seven deadlies.
413
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:46,113
Brad Pitt.
"What's in the box?"
414
00:15:46,146 --> 00:15:48,615
Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
You saw the film.
415
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,650
Hey, more for mama.
416
00:15:50,683 --> 00:15:52,452
I've been calling myself
"mama" a lot lately.
417
00:15:52,485 --> 00:15:54,254
(both laugh)
418
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:56,089
You're glowing already,
you know that?
419
00:15:56,123 --> 00:15:57,424
This ol' thing?
(chuckles)
420
00:15:57,457 --> 00:15:59,259
Hey, you're glowing, too.
421
00:15:59,292 --> 00:16:02,495
It makes me so happy to see you
charged up about life again.
422
00:16:02,529 --> 00:16:03,530
Hmm.
It's been awhile.
423
00:16:03,563 --> 00:16:04,998
Yeah.
Yeah.
424
00:16:06,266 --> 00:16:08,368
Oh, you got to
be kidding me.
What?
425
00:16:08,401 --> 00:16:11,071
What are you looking at?
Wait, that's Gary.
426
00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:13,340
That's Gary and
that's not Tracy.
427
00:16:13,373 --> 00:16:15,075
Who is that girl?
428
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,010
Okay, just,
let's calm down.
429
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:18,145
"Calm down"?
430
00:16:18,178 --> 00:16:20,413
I'm pregnant, dude.
I'm calming up.
431
00:16:20,447 --> 00:16:21,781
Come over here with me.
Oh, please, don't.
432
00:16:21,814 --> 00:16:23,583
Yep.
433
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:26,186
Hey, Gare. What...
434
00:16:26,219 --> 00:16:27,654
(chuckles):
Hey.
435
00:16:27,687 --> 00:16:29,356
Chip. Leslie.
436
00:16:29,389 --> 00:16:30,523
LESLIE:
Yeah.
437
00:16:30,557 --> 00:16:33,193
Oh, this is, uh,
Josie, my assistant.
438
00:16:33,226 --> 00:16:35,028
Tell her, Chip.
439
00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:37,797
Tell her how they gave me
an assistant down at the paper.
440
00:16:37,830 --> 00:16:40,067
Uh, so, they're... wait,
so they're firing people
441
00:16:40,100 --> 00:16:41,801
left and right,
and they gave you an assistant?
442
00:16:41,834 --> 00:16:44,071
Yeah, yeah.
443
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:46,539
Isn't that right... bro?
444
00:16:46,573 --> 00:16:48,575
Yeah.
445
00:16:48,608 --> 00:16:50,710
Brah.
446
00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:53,313
Is Josie here
Gary's assistant?
447
00:16:54,781 --> 00:16:57,184
Hey, Chipper,
answer your wife, man.
448
00:16:58,851 --> 00:17:00,820
Chip, baby.
449
00:17:00,853 --> 00:17:03,623
What are you doing
with that rock?
450
00:17:07,327 --> 00:17:08,695
I don't want...
451
00:17:09,829 --> 00:17:11,664
Ow! What the hell, man?!
452
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:14,334
You still think we aren't
gonna have any fun?!
453
00:17:27,847 --> 00:17:29,749
Hey, Gary's not
here yet, is he?
454
00:17:29,782 --> 00:17:32,819
No one's asked me to smell
or pull his finger yet, so nope.
455
00:17:37,357 --> 00:17:39,126
Oh, no.
456
00:17:39,159 --> 00:17:40,460
What's up?
What's it say?
457
00:17:40,493 --> 00:17:42,695
"See me."
458
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:44,331
Dang.
459
00:17:44,364 --> 00:17:46,399
Please, don't fire me.
460
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:47,700
I am sure that
you have rules
461
00:17:47,734 --> 00:17:50,137
about throwing a rock
at a coworker, but...
462
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,505
Wait, you threw a
rock at a coworker?
463
00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:54,641
You threw a rock at a coworker?!
464
00:17:54,674 --> 00:17:57,177
Chip, I wanted to see
you because everybody
465
00:17:57,210 --> 00:18:00,380
is out of control arguing about
this Bible thing you're doing.
466
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,882
The janitor just called
me a punk-ass bitch.
467
00:18:02,915 --> 00:18:04,717
(groans)
468
00:18:04,751 --> 00:18:06,119
I am so sorry.
469
00:18:06,153 --> 00:18:07,320
Are you kidding?
I love it.
470
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:09,856
I haven't seen the office
this fired up about something
471
00:18:09,889 --> 00:18:12,692
since Brenda's top fell off
at the Christmas party.
472
00:18:12,725 --> 00:18:15,828
I have got to start going
to the Christmas party.
473
00:18:15,862 --> 00:18:19,832
How would you like to write
about your journey, Chip?
474
00:18:19,866 --> 00:18:21,901
Well, what are we
talking about here?
475
00:18:21,934 --> 00:18:23,870
Three additional
articles a week.
476
00:18:23,903 --> 00:18:25,172
And more money, of course.
477
00:18:25,205 --> 00:18:27,574
Hey, I want more money.
478
00:18:27,607 --> 00:18:30,810
You come out of the vents
or something?
479
00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:33,213
Go.
480
00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:34,614
Yes, I'll do it.
481
00:18:34,647 --> 00:18:35,815
I mean, thank you.
482
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:37,884
Maybe it'll even
help out the community.
483
00:18:37,917 --> 00:18:39,419
Oh, no, I don't care
about the community.
484
00:18:39,452 --> 00:18:40,687
I just want to
sell more papers.
485
00:18:40,720 --> 00:18:43,590
You are gonna
do great, Chip.
486
00:18:43,623 --> 00:18:44,924
I always thought
you had more in you
487
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:47,227
than just those
film reviews.
Oh.
488
00:18:47,260 --> 00:18:48,928
You are
the best writer here.
489
00:18:48,961 --> 00:18:50,930
Hey, what about me?
490
00:18:50,963 --> 00:18:52,899
You write obituaries, Cheryl.
491
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,704
Bible, baby!
492
00:18:57,737 --> 00:19:00,773
(laughs)
493
00:19:00,807 --> 00:19:03,176
Hey, I got something
to say to you, maniac.
494
00:19:03,210 --> 00:19:04,177
Hang on. Hang on.
About the stone,
495
00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:05,912
I don't know what
I was thinking.
Thanks.
496
00:19:05,945 --> 00:19:07,847
Did you say, "thanks"?
497
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,717
I told Tracy everything.
498
00:19:11,851 --> 00:19:14,354
I've been a bad person.
499
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:16,356
We're gonna go
to counseling.
500
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:19,259
So... thanks.
501
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:23,863
But I'm still real pissed
at you, bro.
502
00:19:26,899 --> 00:19:28,468
Bible, baby.
503
00:19:28,501 --> 00:19:31,971
You're making more money,
you're happier,
504
00:19:32,004 --> 00:19:35,708
and you got to hit Gary
in the face with a rock?
505
00:19:35,742 --> 00:19:39,246
I might have to try this
Bible thing out my damn self.
506
00:19:39,279 --> 00:19:40,347
Darn self.
507
00:19:40,380 --> 00:19:42,215
Darn self.
Darn self. Yeah.
508
00:19:58,998 --> 00:20:01,668
Ah, I'm really gonna
miss you, Ray.
509
00:20:01,701 --> 00:20:03,670
And I know you're up there
in Heaven,
510
00:20:03,703 --> 00:20:05,838
regardless of
what your mom says.
511
00:20:08,741 --> 00:20:10,677
All right, well,
512
00:20:10,710 --> 00:20:13,246
you probably got a Prince
concert you're going to
513
00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:16,749
with John Candy
or something cool like that.
514
00:20:18,017 --> 00:20:20,753
I love you, buddy.
515
00:20:20,787 --> 00:20:22,855
Big time.
516
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:37,637
Captioning sponsored by
CBS
517
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,672
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
36517
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