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1
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GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN
WHO SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS."
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00:00:02,125 --> 00:00:04,875
UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
3
00:00:04,875 --> 00:00:06,000
[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]
4
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:08,375
THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW
I'VE EVER BEEN ON.
5
00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:09,417
THIS IS MY FANTASY.
6
00:00:09,417 --> 00:00:12,041
LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM ABOUT
DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT.
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00:00:12,041 --> 00:00:13,375
I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY,
8
00:00:13,375 --> 00:00:15,625
AND I'M JUST NOT SURE
HOW IT'S GONNA TURN OUT.
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00:00:15,625 --> 00:00:20,083
IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS
A NICE ASS, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.
10
00:00:20,083 --> 00:00:22,166
I FEEL LIBERATED
WHEN I GET NAKED,
11
00:00:22,166 --> 00:00:24,291
SO IT'S BEEN
A GREAT EXPERIENCE.
12
00:00:24,291 --> 00:00:27,500
BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN
AND SHE HAS A GREAT ASS,
13
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:28,750
SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
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00:00:28,750 --> 00:00:31,458
AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE,
IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE,
15
00:00:31,458 --> 00:00:32,375
I WOULD BE NAKED.
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00:00:32,375 --> 00:00:35,000
I HAVE NEVER WORKED
WITH SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE.
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00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:37,083
I'M YOUR HOST,
SHANNON ELIZABETH.
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00:00:37,083 --> 00:00:39,458
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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00:00:39,834 --> 00:00:42,291
WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."
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00:00:42,291 --> 00:00:45,083
THE JITTERS ARE GONE.
EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN.
21
00:00:45,083 --> 00:00:46,625
ENERGY -- YOU CAN FEEL IT.
22
00:00:46,625 --> 00:00:47,583
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
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00:00:47,583 --> 00:00:50,375
I'M, UH -- I'M --
I'M TAKING A NAP.
24
00:00:50,375 --> 00:00:52,792
[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]
25
00:00:55,583 --> 00:00:57,625
IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED.
[ LAUGHS ]
26
00:00:57,625 --> 00:00:59,417
I'LL DO IT, TOO
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00:00:59,417 --> 00:01:02,500
[ Announcer ] LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, SHANNON ELIZABETH.
28
00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:06,333
DO YOU WANT TO BE
MY NEW BOYFRIEND?
29
00:01:06,333 --> 00:01:08,375
I COULD CHA
CHA CHA-CHA-CHA
30
00:01:08,375 --> 00:01:09,792
BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND
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00:01:09,792 --> 00:01:14,875
I GOT ONE DOLLAR,
A SACAGAWEA
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00:01:16,417 --> 00:01:18,792
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
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00:01:23,000 --> 00:01:27,125
[ Man ]UM, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE
DOING THAT DANCE EXACTLY RIGHT.
34
00:01:27,125 --> 00:01:27,875
WHAT?
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00:01:27,875 --> 00:01:30,000
WELL, YOU KNOW, EARLIER,
YOU WERE DOING THE CHA-CHA,
36
00:01:30,000 --> 00:01:31,917
AND NOW IT'S MORE
OF A TWO-STEP, AND,
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00:01:31,917 --> 00:01:34,166
YOU KNOW, I'M JUST THINKING YOUNEED TO PUT MORE HIPS INTO IT.
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00:01:34,166 --> 00:01:36,959
OH, REALLY, FRANK?
WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN COME
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00:01:36,959 --> 00:01:38,542
OUT HERE AND DO IT BETTER?
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00:01:38,542 --> 00:01:39,959
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
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YEAH.
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00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:42,542
AWESOME.
I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
43
00:01:42,542 --> 00:01:46,166
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
44
00:01:50,458 --> 00:01:52,417
WHERE'S THE MUSIC?
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00:01:53,500 --> 00:01:56,125
[ MUSIC RESUMES ]
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00:01:56,500 --> 00:02:00,291
DO YOU WANT TO BE
MY NEW BOYFRIEND?
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00:02:00,291 --> 00:02:02,417
I COULD CHA
CHA CHA-CHA-CHA
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00:02:02,417 --> 00:02:03,834
BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND
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00:02:03,834 --> 00:02:08,750
I GOT ONE DOLLAR,
A SACAGAWEA
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00:02:08,750 --> 00:02:11,917
I'LL USE IT TO TEASE YA
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00:02:11,917 --> 00:02:14,291
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
52
00:02:14,291 --> 00:02:17,875
[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]
53
00:02:26,625 --> 00:02:30,166
BOY, I GOT TO BUY YOU
SOME ICE CREAM
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00:02:30,166 --> 00:02:34,583
I THINK ABOUT YOU
IN ALL MY GOOD DREAMS
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00:02:34,583 --> 00:02:36,834
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
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00:02:36,834 --> 00:02:38,375
OKAY.
57
00:02:38,375 --> 00:02:39,375
[ LAUGHS ]
58
00:02:39,375 --> 00:02:42,750
ALL RIGHT.
THANKS FOR THAT, FRANK.
59
00:02:43,458 --> 00:02:44,625
I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH.
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00:02:44,625 --> 00:02:46,709
WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."
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00:02:46,709 --> 00:02:49,041
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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00:02:49,917 --> 00:02:53,834
NOW, THIS SHOW FEATURES
HILARIOUS COMEDIANS AND SEXY
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00:02:53,834 --> 00:02:55,417
BURLESQUE DANCERS,
AND I GUARANTEE
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IT'S THE MOST
FUN YOU COULD HAVE SOBER.
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00:02:57,208 --> 00:02:59,041
THAT'S NOT TO SAY
THAT I'M SOBER,
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00:02:59,041 --> 00:03:01,583
BUT ASSUMING YOU GUYS ARE.
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00:03:01,583 --> 00:03:03,291
LET'S JUST GET TO OUR
FIRST PERFORMER.
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00:03:03,291 --> 00:03:07,333
HE IS FROM MICHIGAN.
GIVE IT UP FOR MICHAEL KOSTA!
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00:03:07,333 --> 00:03:08,625
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
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00:03:08,625 --> 00:03:11,250
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
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MIKE KOSTA'S MY NAME.
MIKE KOSTA.
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00:03:20,291 --> 00:03:23,083
HOW ARE YOU GUYS?
MIKE KOSTA. MIKE KOSTA.
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ATTRACTIVE LADIES, MIKE KOSTA.
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00:03:24,583 --> 00:03:26,834
UGLY LADIES, MIKE KOSTA.
HOW ARE YOU?
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00:03:26,834 --> 00:03:30,500
GAY GUYS, MIKE KOSTA.
OH, YEAH.
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00:03:30,500 --> 00:03:32,166
[ LAUGHTER ]
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00:03:32,166 --> 00:03:34,000
I'M FROM MICHIGAN.
LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.
78
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:37,458
WHAM! I CAN SHOW WHERE
I'M FROM INSTANTANEOUSLY!
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00:03:37,458 --> 00:03:40,500
PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN CAN SHOW YOU
WHERE THEY'RE FROM ON THEIR
80
00:03:40,500 --> 00:03:42,083
HANDS 'CAUSE IT LOOKS
LIKE THE STATE.
81
00:03:42,083 --> 00:03:44,250
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CALL PEOPLE
FROM MICHIGAN?
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00:03:44,250 --> 00:03:46,291
MICHIGANDERS.
ISN'T THAT A GOOD ONE?
83
00:03:46,291 --> 00:03:49,250
MICHIGANDERS!
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CALL PEOPLE
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00:03:49,250 --> 00:03:51,709
FROM OREGON?
OREGONIANS.
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00:03:51,709 --> 00:03:54,208
OREGONIANS.
PEOPLE FROM FLORIDA --
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00:03:54,208 --> 00:03:57,458
FLORIDIANS.
[ GASPS ] FLORIDIANS.
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00:03:57,458 --> 00:04:00,208
PEOPLE FROM MISSISSIPPI --
RACISTS.
88
00:04:00,208 --> 00:04:04,041
YOU CALL THEM RACIST,
BIGOT FUCKS.
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00:04:04,041 --> 00:04:07,959
THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL
PEOPLE FROM MISSISSIPPI.
90
00:04:07,959 --> 00:04:08,917
[ APPLAUSE ]
91
00:04:08,917 --> 00:04:11,542
I WAS SHOPPING THE OTHER DAY,
AND I SAW A WOMAN WITH A TATTOO.
92
00:04:11,542 --> 00:04:13,500
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
IT WAS CRAZY, RIGHT?
93
00:04:13,500 --> 00:04:16,291
SHE HAD IT RIGHT ABOVE HER ASS,
THE LOWER BACK,
94
00:04:16,291 --> 00:04:17,917
KIND OF LIKE FRANK,
RIGHT?
95
00:04:17,917 --> 00:04:21,291
A LOT OF PEOPLE CALL THIS TATTOO
THE "TRAMP STAMP."
96
00:04:21,291 --> 00:04:23,000
I DON'T LIKE THIS TERM
"TRAMP STAMP."
97
00:04:23,000 --> 00:04:26,125
YOU CAN'T JUST CALL A WOMAN A
TRAMP WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING HER,
98
00:04:26,125 --> 00:04:28,291
RIGHT?
BESIDES, IT'S NOT A STAMP.
99
00:04:28,291 --> 00:04:30,208
IT'S PERMANENT INK,
WHICH IS WHY
100
00:04:30,208 --> 00:04:33,041
I CALL IT
"THE INK ABOVE THE STINK."
101
00:04:33,041 --> 00:04:37,208
IT'S A CLASSY TERM.
IT'S A CLASSY TERM.
102
00:04:38,083 --> 00:04:40,917
SPEAKING OF SLUTTY WOMEN,
MY GIRLFRIEND...
103
00:04:40,917 --> 00:04:41,709
[ LAUGHTER ]
104
00:04:41,709 --> 00:04:43,333
[ SIGHS ]
...JUST BROKE UP WITH ME.
105
00:04:43,333 --> 00:04:44,792
YEAH.
WE MOVED IN TOGETHER.
106
00:04:44,792 --> 00:04:46,875
THAT WAS THE PROBLEM.
YOU LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT EACH
107
00:04:46,875 --> 00:04:48,500
OTHER WHEN YOU
MOVE IN TOGETHER.
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00:04:48,500 --> 00:04:50,208
LIKE, WITHIN
THE FIRST COUPLE WEEKS,
109
00:04:50,208 --> 00:04:52,500
I LEARNED THAT SHE WAKES
UP SO EARLY.
110
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:55,000
SHE LEARNED THAT
I SLEEP IN LATE.
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00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,500
I LEARNED THAT SHE IS
A NEAT FREAK.
112
00:04:57,500 --> 00:04:58,792
SHE LEARNED THAT I'M MESSY.
113
00:04:58,792 --> 00:05:01,458
I LEARNED THAT SHE HAS
TO WORK WITH MUSIC ON.
114
00:05:01,458 --> 00:05:03,291
SHE LEARNED THAT
I HAVE TO CHEAT ON HER.
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00:05:03,291 --> 00:05:08,667
THESE ARE THINGS THAT PEOPLE
HAVE A HARD TIME DEALING WITH.
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00:05:10,125 --> 00:05:12,250
SHE ALWAYS SAID I WAS
NARCISSISTIC, RIGHT?
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00:05:12,250 --> 00:05:16,166
SHE SAID I WAS SELF-ABSORBED,
JUST BECAUSE OCCASIONALLY,
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00:05:16,166 --> 00:05:17,792
WHEN WE WOULD HAVE SEX,
WHAT I WOULD
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00:05:17,792 --> 00:05:20,917
DO IS I WOULD TAKE MY HEAD SHOT,
AND I WOULD PUNCH OUT THE EYES,
120
00:05:20,917 --> 00:05:24,250
AND I'D MAKE HER WEAR IT
AS A MASK.
121
00:05:24,250 --> 00:05:26,041
[ LAUGHTER ]
122
00:05:26,041 --> 00:05:29,583
I FIGURED THAT WAY I COULD
ACTUALLY BE INSIDE OF MYSELF.
123
00:05:29,583 --> 00:05:31,750
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
124
00:05:33,375 --> 00:05:36,709
LIVING IN L.A., I'VE CONCLUDED
THAT I WOULD RATHER DATE
125
00:05:36,709 --> 00:05:39,041
AN ANOREXIC WOMAN
THAN A BULIMIC WOMAN.
126
00:05:39,041 --> 00:05:45,333
NOW, AN ANOREXIC WOMAN, ALTHOUGH
SICKLY AND DISGUSTING-LOOKING,
127
00:05:45,333 --> 00:05:47,333
I DON'T HAVE TO BUY HER DINNER.
128
00:05:47,333 --> 00:05:48,667
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
129
00:05:48,667 --> 00:05:50,208
MAYBE JUST A NEW WIG.
130
00:05:50,208 --> 00:05:52,208
MIKE KOSTA.
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00:05:52,208 --> 00:05:55,083
MIKE KOSTA, EVERYBODY.
132
00:05:55,083 --> 00:05:57,417
MIKE KOSTA.
133
00:05:57,417 --> 00:05:59,208
MIKE KOSTA.
134
00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:05,125
WENT ON A DATE RECENTLY
WITH A WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR.
135
00:06:05,125 --> 00:06:06,750
YEAH.
136
00:06:06,750 --> 00:06:08,333
I STOOD HER UP.
137
00:06:08,333 --> 00:06:10,542
[ LAUGHTER ]
138
00:06:14,125 --> 00:06:17,917
THAT'S WHEN SHE FELL FOR ME.
I'M SORRY.
139
00:06:19,166 --> 00:06:21,417
AFTER THAT,
IT BECAME A BIT OF A DRAG,
140
00:06:21,417 --> 00:06:24,166
TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.
141
00:06:26,458 --> 00:06:29,875
I ONCE CONVINCED A BLIND WOMAN
I HAD A BRAILLE TATTOO
142
00:06:29,875 --> 00:06:32,083
ON MY PENIS.
SWEET. YEAH.
143
00:06:32,083 --> 00:06:33,709
[ LAUGHTER ]
144
00:06:33,709 --> 00:06:37,542
THANK GOD SHE'S A SLOW READER,
HUH?
145
00:06:38,083 --> 00:06:40,166
"WHAT'S IT SAY?
WHAT'S IT SAY?"
146
00:06:40,166 --> 00:06:41,583
"IT SAYS 'MIKE KOSTA.'
147
00:06:41,583 --> 00:06:43,208
KEEP READING."
148
00:06:48,458 --> 00:06:49,667
I ONCE DATED A SMOKER.
149
00:06:49,667 --> 00:06:50,959
WOW. THAT WAS TOUGH, RIGHT?
150
00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:53,542
SMOKED A LOT.
SHE SMOKED SO MUCH,
151
00:06:53,542 --> 00:06:55,583
HER VAGINA
TASTED LIKE AN ASHTRAY.
152
00:06:55,583 --> 00:06:58,166
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
I KNOW.
153
00:06:58,166 --> 00:07:00,667
OR WAS THAT HER ASSHOLE?
154
00:07:01,667 --> 00:07:02,834
NOPE, THAT WAS HER VAGINA,
155
00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:05,041
BECAUSE HER ASSHOLE
TASTED LIKE SHIT.
156
00:07:05,041 --> 00:07:07,667
YEAH, IT TASTED LIKE SHIT.
157
00:07:13,917 --> 00:07:15,750
LIKE I SAID, I'M FROM MICHIGAN.
WHAM!
158
00:07:15,750 --> 00:07:19,959
IN MICHIGAN, THEY'VE GOT
BILLBOARDS FROM GOD.
159
00:07:19,959 --> 00:07:21,041
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
160
00:07:21,041 --> 00:07:22,959
GOD BUYS BILLBOARDS IN MICHIGAN.
161
00:07:22,959 --> 00:07:27,041
IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT SATAN
STARTED BUYING BILLBOARDS,
162
00:07:27,041 --> 00:07:31,291
AND HE PUTS THEM UP NEXT TO
GOD'S TO COUNTERACT HIS MESSAGE.
163
00:07:31,291 --> 00:07:32,125
PRETTY SMART, RIGHT, SATAN?
164
00:07:32,125 --> 00:07:36,792
I SAW THIS ONE -- "ALL I KNOW
IS EVERYTHING -- GOD."
165
00:07:36,792 --> 00:07:40,333
RIGHT NEXT TO THAT,
"YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT -- SATAN."
166
00:07:40,333 --> 00:07:42,250
[ LAUGHTER ]
167
00:07:43,125 --> 00:07:46,041
"PREMARITAL SEX IS A SIN --
GOD."
168
00:07:46,041 --> 00:07:47,959
"NOT IF YOU PULL OUT -- SATAN."
169
00:07:47,959 --> 00:07:51,375
[ LAUGHTER ]
WHAT THE FUCK, SATAN?
170
00:07:56,375 --> 00:07:57,667
THANKS FOR LAUGHING.
171
00:07:57,667 --> 00:07:59,291
PEOPLE GET SO SENSITIVE
ABOUT RELIGION.
172
00:07:59,291 --> 00:08:01,250
PEOPLE GET SO SENSITIVE
ABOUT IT, RIGHT?
173
00:08:01,250 --> 00:08:02,417
ONE GUY CAME UP TO ME.
174
00:08:02,417 --> 00:08:06,125
HE SAYS, "MICHAEL, YOU NEED TO
MAKE HIM MORE OF A PRIORITY
175
00:08:06,125 --> 00:08:08,500
IN YOUR LIFE."
THEN HE GAVE ME THIS BRACELET,
176
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:10,917
AND IT READS "LIVE FOR HIM."
ISN'T THAT NICE?
177
00:08:10,917 --> 00:08:13,041
AND WHEN I DON'T WEAR
THIS ON MY WRIST,
178
00:08:13,041 --> 00:08:17,458
I WEAR IT AS A COCK RING
WHEN I BANG STRIPPERS. YEAH.
179
00:08:17,458 --> 00:08:19,667
[ LAUGHTER ]
180
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,458
MIKE KOSTA.
181
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:23,500
I WASN'T EVEN GONNA
DO THAT JOKE.
182
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:26,083
I THOUGHT I WASN'T GONNA DO IT,
BUT THEN I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,
183
00:08:26,083 --> 00:08:28,667
"YOU KNOW, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?"
184
00:08:28,667 --> 00:08:30,583
[ LAUGHTER ]
185
00:08:31,834 --> 00:08:34,500
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
186
00:08:38,083 --> 00:08:40,250
I JUST BOUGHT THE
NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES.
187
00:08:40,250 --> 00:08:42,583
HOLY SHIT,
THOSE THINGS ARE AWESOME.
188
00:08:42,583 --> 00:08:43,750
YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS?
189
00:08:43,750 --> 00:08:45,417
WHEN YOU WEAR
NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES,
190
00:08:45,417 --> 00:08:47,291
IT BLOCKS OUT ALL
THE EXTERNAL SOUND.
191
00:08:47,291 --> 00:08:48,542
I WEAR MINE ALL THE TIME.
192
00:08:48,542 --> 00:08:50,208
I EVEN WEAR THEM
WHEN I MASTURBATE.
193
00:08:50,208 --> 00:08:51,750
NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS
A LITTLE GROSS,
194
00:08:51,750 --> 00:08:54,834
BUT I GOT TIRED OF PEOPLE
YELLING AT ME ON THE BUS.
195
00:08:54,834 --> 00:08:56,834
I GET TIRED OF THAT SHIT.
196
00:08:56,834 --> 00:08:57,875
[ LAUGHTER ]
197
00:08:57,875 --> 00:08:59,583
WELL, THEY ALWAYS
SAY THE SAME THING --
198
00:08:59,583 --> 00:09:00,667
"YOU SHOULD BE MORE
PROFESSIONAL!
199
00:09:00,667 --> 00:09:03,333
YOU'RE THE DRIVER!"
YOU KNOW WHAT?
200
00:09:03,333 --> 00:09:08,959
"OKAY, LADY, YOUR KIDS WILL
GET TO SCHOOL ON TIME, OKAY?
201
00:09:08,959 --> 00:09:10,709
MAY JUST HAVE TO CLEAN
OFF THE WINDSHIELD,
202
00:09:10,709 --> 00:09:12,917
'CAUSE KOSTA'S GOT
RANGE, MOTHERFUCKER."
203
00:09:12,917 --> 00:09:15,792
THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER.
MY NAME'S MIKE KOSTA.
204
00:09:15,792 --> 00:09:17,959
YOU GUYS SLEEP WELL.
205
00:09:17,959 --> 00:09:20,750
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
206
00:09:21,083 --> 00:09:23,500
[ Crowd ]
OW!
207
00:09:26,375 --> 00:09:27,291
ALL RIGHT!
208
00:09:27,291 --> 00:09:30,000
I'M JUST WONDERING,
DID ANYBODY CATCH HIS NAME?
209
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,458
BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER
WHAT IT WAS.
210
00:09:32,458 --> 00:09:35,208
[ Crowd ] MIKE KOSTA!
OH, THERE YOU GO!
211
00:09:35,208 --> 00:09:37,750
ALL RIGHT. THIS NEXT LADY
IS A BEAUTIFUL DANCER.
212
00:09:37,750 --> 00:09:41,000
PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR
KELLY KOSKI.
213
00:09:41,000 --> 00:09:42,625
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
214
00:09:42,625 --> 00:09:44,625
[ CRASHING SOUND ]
215
00:09:44,625 --> 00:09:49,000
UM, KELLY, ARE YOU OKAY?
ARE YOU READY?
216
00:09:49,500 --> 00:09:52,041
OKAY.
KELLY KOSKI.
217
00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:57,500
[ BLUES MUSIC PLAYS ]
218
00:10:22,125 --> 00:10:24,208
TELL ME, BABY
219
00:10:24,208 --> 00:10:27,750
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME
220
00:10:28,834 --> 00:10:32,083
I WANT YOU TO
TELL ME, BABY,
221
00:10:32,083 --> 00:10:35,208
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME
222
00:10:36,458 --> 00:10:39,542
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME,
BABY
223
00:10:39,542 --> 00:10:44,000
I CAN'T CHANGE
WHAT I CAN'T SEE
224
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:47,291
WHOA, TAKE ME, BABY
225
00:10:47,291 --> 00:10:50,875
PLEASE TRY AND UNDERSTAND
226
00:10:52,208 --> 00:10:55,208
WHOA, TAKE ME, BABY
227
00:10:55,208 --> 00:10:58,500
PLEASE TRY AND UNDERSTAND
228
00:11:00,166 --> 00:11:03,000
I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME,
BABY,
229
00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:08,792
'CAUSE I AM WHAT I AM
230
00:11:08,792 --> 00:11:11,458
[ SAXOPHONE SOLO ]
231
00:11:54,792 --> 00:11:56,792
IF SHE CAN MAKE OUT A...
232
00:11:56,792 --> 00:11:58,542
IT'S MAKING ME LOSE MY MIND
233
00:11:58,542 --> 00:12:00,834
TIME TO MAKE THE BEST
OF WHAT WE GOT
234
00:12:00,834 --> 00:12:03,250
I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING TIME
235
00:12:03,250 --> 00:12:04,875
HOLD ON, HOLD ON
236
00:12:04,875 --> 00:12:07,041
BABY, WE'LL MAKE IT THROUGH
237
00:12:07,041 --> 00:12:09,792
HOLD ON, BABY,
'CAUSE I LOVE YOU
238
00:12:09,792 --> 00:12:13,709
AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME,
BABY
239
00:12:13,709 --> 00:12:17,834
TELL ME WHAT'S
ON YOUR MIND
240
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:21,500
I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, BABY
241
00:12:22,834 --> 00:12:24,542
TELL ME, BABY
242
00:12:24,542 --> 00:12:29,375
TELL ME SOMETHING'S WRONG
243
00:12:36,291 --> 00:12:38,166
[ MUSIC STOPS ]
244
00:12:38,750 --> 00:12:41,166
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
245
00:12:42,792 --> 00:12:46,792
I, IN MY AUDITION, ACTUALLY
ATE SHIT, AND I CRIED,
246
00:12:46,792 --> 00:12:48,208
'CAUSE I WAS LIKE,
"OH, MY GOD.
247
00:12:48,208 --> 00:12:49,917
I WASN'T SEXY IN IT,
AND I FUCKED UP."
248
00:12:49,917 --> 00:12:51,875
AND SHE CALLS ME,
AND SHE WAS LIKE, "I LOVED IT!
249
00:12:51,875 --> 00:12:55,125
WE'RE MAKING IT NOW WHERE YOU
JUST EAT IT THE WHOLE TIME."
250
00:12:55,125 --> 00:12:58,000
AND I WAS LIKE,
"I CAN DO THAT."
251
00:12:58,000 --> 00:13:00,166
SO, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
252
00:13:00,166 --> 00:13:01,625
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
253
00:13:01,625 --> 00:13:03,542
WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS
THAT I HOPE
254
00:13:03,542 --> 00:13:06,000
SHE HAS GOOD
HEALTH INSURANCE.
255
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:08,834
NOW, THIS NEXT COMEDIAN IS ONE
OF THE BEST IN THE COUNTRY.
256
00:13:08,834 --> 00:13:12,166
HE JUST WENT TO IRAQ TO PERFORM
FOR THE TROOPS, WHICH IS GREAT,
257
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:15,625
BECAUSE I LIKE A MAN WHO
LIKES A MAN IN UNIFORM.
258
00:13:15,625 --> 00:13:21,917
ANYWAY, THIS GUY -- WELCOME
TO THE STAGE STEVE BYRNE!
259
00:13:21,917 --> 00:13:23,917
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
260
00:13:23,917 --> 00:13:25,208
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
261
00:13:25,208 --> 00:13:26,583
WHAT'S UP, GUYS?
HOW ARE YOU?
262
00:13:26,583 --> 00:13:28,834
HOW YOU DOING?
HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?
263
00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:31,333
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
264
00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:33,875
GOOD TO BE HERE.
GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL.
265
00:13:33,875 --> 00:13:35,125
YOU GUYS ARE A NICE CROWD.
266
00:13:35,125 --> 00:13:36,458
THANKS FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.
267
00:13:36,458 --> 00:13:39,125
I HAD A WEIRD THING HAPPEN
TO ME THE OTHER DAY.
268
00:13:39,125 --> 00:13:42,125
I ASKED A BUDDY OF MINE --
HE WENT ON A DATE,
269
00:13:42,125 --> 00:13:43,500
AND I ASKED HIM
HOW IT WENT.
270
00:13:43,500 --> 00:13:45,417
SOMETIMES WHEN GIRLS ASK EACH
OTHER ABOUT A DATE,
271
00:13:45,417 --> 00:13:47,000
GIRLS ARE LIKE,
"HOW'D TODAY GO?"
272
00:13:47,000 --> 00:13:48,709
"OH, IT WAS AWESOME.
HE TOOK ME TO CINNABON.
273
00:13:48,709 --> 00:13:50,709
HE OPENED THE DOOR FOR ME.
HE'S A COMPLETE GENTLEMAN."
274
00:13:50,709 --> 00:13:53,166
GUYS -- IT GOES RIGHT TO SEX,
RIGHT?
275
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:54,583
I ASKED MY BUDDY --
I GO,
276
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:56,333
"HEY, HOW WAS THAT DATE
THE OTHER NIGHT?"
277
00:13:56,333 --> 00:13:57,792
"I FUCKING FINGER-BLASTED HER."
278
00:13:57,792 --> 00:13:59,000
"WHAT?"
FINGER-BLASTED?
279
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:00,959
I HAD TO GOOGLE IT.
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
280
00:14:00,959 --> 00:14:02,792
FINGER BLASTING WAS.
281
00:14:02,792 --> 00:14:04,917
FINGER BLASTING
IS THIRD BASE NOW.
282
00:14:04,917 --> 00:14:06,208
THERE'S NO MORE THIRD BASE.
283
00:14:06,208 --> 00:14:08,667
IT'S FINGER BLASTING.
WHAT SUAVE, ROMANTIC GENTLEMAN
284
00:14:08,667 --> 00:14:10,917
CAME UP WITH "FINGER BLASTING,"
BY THE WAY?
285
00:14:10,917 --> 00:14:13,500
THE SHEER VISUAL ALONE
MAKES ME LAUGH.
286
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:16,250
[ IMITATES GUNSHOTS ]
287
00:14:17,291 --> 00:14:18,583
[ IMITATES GUN HAMMER CLICKING ]
288
00:14:18,583 --> 00:14:19,667
HOLD UP. HOLD UP.
289
00:14:19,667 --> 00:14:22,500
[ IMITATES GUNSHOTS ]
290
00:14:22,500 --> 00:14:23,750
YOU REALLY WANT TO PARTY.
291
00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:26,250
[ IMITATES MACHINE-GUN FIRE ]
292
00:14:28,000 --> 00:14:29,041
FINGER BLASTING?
293
00:14:29,041 --> 00:14:31,959
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
294
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:35,625
THERE'S A FEW DYNAMIC DUOS
OF WORDS THAT COME TOGETHER.
295
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,667
"FINGER BLASTING" IS ONE.
"DONKEY PUNCH" IS ANOTHER ONE.
296
00:14:38,667 --> 00:14:40,458
I MEAN, NO SETUP.
JUST "DONKEY PUNCH."
297
00:14:40,458 --> 00:14:43,333
IT'S FUNNY, RIGHT?
ANOTHER ONE THAT MAKES ME LAUGH,
298
00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:46,500
ANOTHER DYNAMIC DUO --
"FUCK FACE."
299
00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:47,875
THAT'S PRETTY MEAN, RIGHT?
300
00:14:47,875 --> 00:14:49,917
I MEAN, YOU'RE TAKING THE MOTHER
OF ALL SWEAR WORDS
301
00:14:49,917 --> 00:14:53,041
AND APPLYING
IT TO SOMEONE'S IDENTITY.
302
00:14:53,417 --> 00:14:55,041
AND IT NEVER COMES OFF
IN A CUTE WAY.
303
00:14:55,041 --> 00:14:56,792
SOMETIMES SWEAR WORDS CAN BE
KIND OF CUTE,
304
00:14:56,792 --> 00:14:58,792
MAYBE WITH YOUR GIRL.
SHE BRINGS YOU A BOWL
305
00:14:58,792 --> 00:15:00,041
OF ICE CREAM AFTER DINNER.
306
00:15:00,041 --> 00:15:02,083
YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, THANKS FOR THE
ICE CREAM, YOU LITTLE SHITHEAD."
307
00:15:02,083 --> 00:15:03,208
"OOH, OKAY. SPUNKY."
308
00:15:03,208 --> 00:15:05,000
IT DOESN'T SOUND THE SAME,
THOUGH, RIGHT?
309
00:15:05,000 --> 00:15:07,750
YOU'RE LIKE, "THANKS FOR
THE PIE, YOU LITTLE FUCK FACE."
310
00:15:07,750 --> 00:15:10,291
"DO YOU NOT LIKE PIE, OR..."
311
00:15:10,291 --> 00:15:12,625
"FUCK FACE" ONLY HAPPENS WHEN
YOU'RE REALLY PISSED OFF.
312
00:15:12,625 --> 00:15:14,500
MAYBE WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING,
SOMEBODY CUTS YOU OFF.
313
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:16,583
"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING,
FUCK FACE!"
314
00:15:16,583 --> 00:15:18,041
"HOLY SHIT.
ROLL UP THE WINDOWS.
315
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:19,834
HE CALLED ME 'FUCK FACE.'
YOU HEARD HIM.
316
00:15:19,834 --> 00:15:21,709
HE MEANS BUSINESS."
AND, YES, I STILL HAVE A SHITTY
317
00:15:21,709 --> 00:15:24,709
CAR THAT I HAVE TO ROLL UP
THE WINDOW LIKE THIS WITH.
318
00:15:24,709 --> 00:15:25,667
IT'S AN OLD CAR.
319
00:15:25,667 --> 00:15:27,625
IT'S AN OLD JOKE, ACTUALLY.
320
00:15:28,333 --> 00:15:31,041
I WAS FLYING HERE.
SOME GUY WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME,
321
00:15:31,041 --> 00:15:34,166
AND HE WENT, "AAAH..."
AND HE HELD HIS HAND LIKE THIS,
322
00:15:34,166 --> 00:15:36,917
AND HE SNEEZED,
AND IT SPRAYED MY FACE.
323
00:15:36,917 --> 00:15:37,959
[ LAUGHTER ]
324
00:15:37,959 --> 00:15:40,000
HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOMETHING SO
DISGUSTING HAPPEN TO YOU,
325
00:15:40,000 --> 00:15:41,750
YOU CAN'T EVEN MOVE?
HE WAS LIKE, "ACHOO."
326
00:15:41,750 --> 00:15:45,083
I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK
JUST HIT ME?"
327
00:15:46,041 --> 00:15:49,542
AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S GROSS,
GETTING SPRAYED ON THE FACE,"
328
00:15:49,542 --> 00:15:50,834
AND THEN I STARTED THINKING,
329
00:15:50,834 --> 00:15:52,125
'CAUSE AS A GUY, YOU TAKE IT IN,
330
00:15:52,125 --> 00:15:55,667
SO, YOU KNOW -- HOW CAN GIRLS
LIKE THE FACIAL?
331
00:15:55,667 --> 00:15:56,625
[ LAUGHTER ]
332
00:15:56,625 --> 00:15:58,667
'CAUSE I KIND OF EXPERIENCED
SOMETHING KIND OF LIKE IT BY
333
00:15:58,667 --> 00:16:01,041
GETTING SNEEZED ON, BUT WHAT
CHICK'S ACTUALLY INTO THAT?
334
00:16:01,041 --> 00:16:02,875
I MEAN, AS A GUY, MAYBE IT'S HOT
WHEN YOU DO IT.
335
00:16:02,875 --> 00:16:06,291
YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, TAKE IT!
YEAH! FUCK, YEAH! YEAH!"
336
00:16:06,291 --> 00:16:07,959
AND THE MINUTE IT'S DONE,
YOU'RE LIKE,
337
00:16:07,959 --> 00:16:09,500
"YOU GOT TO
WASH THAT SHIT OFF.
338
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:11,500
THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING."
339
00:16:11,500 --> 00:16:12,625
"BUT IT'S FUCKING YOU!"
340
00:16:12,625 --> 00:16:16,041
"WELL, GET ME OFF OF YOU NOW,
OKAY?"
341
00:16:16,959 --> 00:16:17,959
[ LAUGHS ]
342
00:16:17,959 --> 00:16:19,250
I HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE GUYS.
343
00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:21,375
GUYS, YOU EVER FART SO LOUD
IT WOKE YOU UP?"
344
00:16:21,375 --> 00:16:23,208
[ LAUGHTER ]
345
00:16:23,208 --> 00:16:24,333
THAT'S SOMETHING --
346
00:16:24,333 --> 00:16:25,750
THAT'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE
347
00:16:25,750 --> 00:16:27,041
PROUD OF YET DISGUSTED AT RIGHT
348
00:16:27,041 --> 00:16:28,375
AT THE SAME MOMENT, YOU KNOW?
349
00:16:28,375 --> 00:16:29,917
I GUESS A GUY JUST...
[ SNORES ]
350
00:16:29,917 --> 00:16:31,500
[ IMITATES FART ]
"WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
351
00:16:31,500 --> 00:16:32,959
IS THAT A BURGLAR?
OH, SHIT.
352
00:16:32,959 --> 00:16:34,917
IS THAT A SMELLY BURGLAR
IN MY HOME?
353
00:16:34,917 --> 00:16:35,792
OH, THAT'S YOU.
354
00:16:35,792 --> 00:16:37,625
YOU FARTED. THAT'S RIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT."
355
00:16:37,625 --> 00:16:40,166
GUYS, WHEN IT'S YOU, HILARIOUS.
WHEN IT'S YOUR GIRL,
356
00:16:40,166 --> 00:16:42,041
THE MOST DISGUSTING THING
SHE'S EVER DONE.
357
00:16:42,041 --> 00:16:43,500
[ SNORES ]
[ IMITATES FART ]
358
00:16:43,500 --> 00:16:46,458
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS BED.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
359
00:16:46,458 --> 00:16:48,333
IS THERE A DUCK-CROSSING
SIGN OVER THE BED?
360
00:16:48,333 --> 00:16:50,000
GET ON THE COUCH.
YEAH, WITH THE DOG.
361
00:16:50,000 --> 00:16:51,625
THE TWO ANIMALS SLEEP
ON THE COUCH.
362
00:16:51,625 --> 00:16:55,166
THE HUMAN BEING WILL BE HERE.
I'M NOT DUTCH. GO."
363
00:16:55,583 --> 00:16:57,625
SEE, MOST GUYS THINK
FARTS ARE FUNNY.
364
00:16:57,625 --> 00:16:59,208
GENERALLY,
I'M DISGUSTED BY FARTS.
365
00:16:59,208 --> 00:17:01,875
IF A GUY FRIEND COMES UP TO ME,
"PULL MY FINGER" --
366
00:17:01,875 --> 00:17:04,250
"I WILL HIT YOU.
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME."
367
00:17:04,250 --> 00:17:07,333
EVERY GUY IN THIS ROOM HAS A GUY
FRIEND THAT'S DONE THIS TO HIM
368
00:17:07,333 --> 00:17:10,125
AT LEAST ONCE.
[ IMITATES FART ]
369
00:17:11,709 --> 00:17:12,709
WHAT IS THIS?
370
00:17:12,709 --> 00:17:14,458
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT
TO SOMEONE ELSE?
371
00:17:14,458 --> 00:17:15,625
SOMEONE THAT YOU KNOW?
372
00:17:15,625 --> 00:17:17,792
"HEY, THIS CAME OUT
OF MY ASSHOLE.
373
00:17:17,792 --> 00:17:19,083
I'M GONNA PUT IT BY YOUR NOSE."
374
00:17:19,083 --> 00:17:21,417
"WHY THE FUCK WOULD
YOU DO THAT?"
375
00:17:21,417 --> 00:17:22,792
"'CAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS."
376
00:17:22,792 --> 00:17:24,500
"NOT ANYMORE!"
377
00:17:24,959 --> 00:17:27,625
NOT GIRLS, THOUGH.
GIRLS HAVE A SENSE OF DECORUM
378
00:17:27,625 --> 00:17:28,917
ABOUT THEMSELVES, SOME CIVILITY.
379
00:17:28,917 --> 00:17:30,834
GIRLS DON'T DO THAT.
MAYBE YOU'RE AT HOME WITH YOUR
380
00:17:30,834 --> 00:17:33,041
GIRL, WATCHING TV.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE'S LIKE...
381
00:17:33,041 --> 00:17:34,959
"YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
382
00:17:34,959 --> 00:17:36,458
THIS GIRL FEELS
LIKE SOME HOT TEA.
383
00:17:36,458 --> 00:17:38,041
I'M GONNA GET MYSELF
SOME HOT TEA.
384
00:17:38,041 --> 00:17:40,083
MY MAN, YOU WATCH YOUR GAME.
THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.
385
00:17:40,083 --> 00:17:42,166
I'M GONNA BE RIGHT HERE IN THIS
KITCHEN DOING MY THING,
386
00:17:42,166 --> 00:17:43,250
GETTING SOME...
387
00:17:43,250 --> 00:17:44,667
[ COUGHING ]
388
00:17:44,667 --> 00:17:47,291
I DON'T FEEL LIKE GETTING SOME
TEA 'CAUSE I GOT TO GET
389
00:17:47,291 --> 00:17:49,667
THE TEAPOT AND BOIL THE WATER.
JUST TOO MUCH WORK,
390
00:17:49,667 --> 00:17:51,500
SO I'M GONNA SIT BACK
DOWN WITH MY MAN AND
391
00:17:51,500 --> 00:17:52,667
WATCH THIS GAME."
392
00:17:52,667 --> 00:17:54,542
"WELL, NOW I'M THIRSTY,
SO I'M GONNA GET MYSELF A BEER."
393
00:17:54,542 --> 00:17:56,208
"I'LL GET IT FOR YOU."
"IT'S OKAY.
394
00:17:56,208 --> 00:17:58,041
I'LL GET MY OWN BEER.
I'LL BE RIGHT IN THE --
395
00:17:58,041 --> 00:17:59,583
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO
IN THE KITCHEN?
396
00:17:59,583 --> 00:18:02,417
HOLY SHIT.
GOD DAMN IT.
397
00:18:03,000 --> 00:18:06,375
HEY, RED BARON, DID YOU FLY IN
AND CROP-DUST THE WHOLE AREA?"
398
00:18:06,375 --> 00:18:08,166
WOMEN CROP-DUST LIKE
IT'S NO TOMORROW.
399
00:18:08,166 --> 00:18:09,709
GIRLS WILL BE LIKE,
"OH, I THINK
400
00:18:09,709 --> 00:18:11,417
I LEFT MY PURSE OVER THERE.
EXCUSE ME."
401
00:18:11,417 --> 00:18:14,041
[ IMITATES AIRPLANE
ENGINE ROARING ]
402
00:18:14,041 --> 00:18:16,041
[ LAUGHTER ]
403
00:18:16,041 --> 00:18:17,166
OH, MY LIPSTICK'S THERE.
404
00:18:17,166 --> 00:18:19,709
[ IMITATES AIRPLANE
ENGINE ROARING ]
405
00:18:22,208 --> 00:18:24,291
A LOT OF CRAZY MANEUVERS THAT
GO ON IN THE BEDROOM, RIGHT,
406
00:18:24,291 --> 00:18:25,750
WHEN YOU'RE A COUPLE,
LOCK IT DOWN?
407
00:18:25,750 --> 00:18:27,542
A LOT OF CRAZY MANEUVERS.
HEADBOARD SHIMMY.
408
00:18:27,542 --> 00:18:29,083
YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THAT IS,
RIGHT?
409
00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:30,917
EVERY COUPLE STARTS OFF
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED.
410
00:18:30,917 --> 00:18:32,875
EVENTUALLY, YOU WORK YOUR WAY UP
TILL -- USUALLY IT'S THE GUY
411
00:18:32,875 --> 00:18:35,000
'CAUSE HE'S TALLER -- WILL HIT
HIS HEAD ON THE HEADBOARD
412
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:36,709
OR THE WALL.
THEN YOU HAVE TO DO THAT SHIMMY
413
00:18:36,709 --> 00:18:38,709
BACK DOWN, THIS LITTLE
BREAK-DANCE MOVE ON YOUR BACK --
414
00:18:38,709 --> 00:18:39,917
WHATEVER THIS SHIT IS.
415
00:18:39,917 --> 00:18:41,542
BUT AS A MAN,
YOU'LL ENDURE THAT
416
00:18:41,542 --> 00:18:42,667
PAIN FOR A FEW MOMENTS.
417
00:18:42,667 --> 00:18:44,041
WHY? YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON.
418
00:18:44,041 --> 00:18:46,333
'CAUSE THERE YOU ARE WITH
YOUR GIRL, GOING AT IT.
419
00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:47,625
EVERYTHING'S GOING GREAT, RIGHT?
420
00:18:47,625 --> 00:18:49,875
THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN...
421
00:18:51,917 --> 00:18:54,041
[ LAUGHTER ]
422
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:57,500
[ THUDDING ]
423
00:19:19,542 --> 00:19:20,583
"STOP!"
"WHAT'S WRONG?"
424
00:19:20,583 --> 00:19:22,792
"YOU'RE GONNA RAM MY HEAD
THROUGH THE GODDAMN WALL!
425
00:19:22,792 --> 00:19:23,917
THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!
426
00:19:23,917 --> 00:19:26,041
YOU WANT ME TO DRINK OUT OF
A STRAW THE REST OF MY LIFE?
427
00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:27,709
HOLY SHIT!
ALL RIGHT. ONE, TWO, THREE, GO.
428
00:19:27,709 --> 00:19:29,500
THERE YOU GO.
GOOD GIRL."
429
00:19:29,500 --> 00:19:32,291
ROLLOVER -- THAT'S ANOTHER ONE.
ROLLOVER --
430
00:19:32,291 --> 00:19:33,542
THAT'S A TRICKY MANEUVER.
431
00:19:33,542 --> 00:19:35,083
THERE'S ALWAYS
SO MANY POSITIONS.
432
00:19:35,083 --> 00:19:36,250
NOW, WHEN YOU'RE A COUPLE,
433
00:19:36,250 --> 00:19:38,041
WHOEVER'S ON TOP,
YOU'RE DOING ALL THE WORK.
434
00:19:38,041 --> 00:19:40,834
WHOEVER'S ON BOTTOM,
YOU'RE A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT.
435
00:19:40,834 --> 00:19:43,000
HELP OUT, RIGHT?
436
00:19:43,458 --> 00:19:45,583
SO, YOU GOT TO DO THE ROLLOVER.
YOU GRIP ON.
437
00:19:45,583 --> 00:19:46,750
"NOW IT'S MY TURN!"
438
00:19:46,750 --> 00:19:48,792
BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT GUYS ARE
THINKING WHEN THEY DO
439
00:19:48,792 --> 00:19:51,583
THE ROLLOVER. HERE'S WHAT GUYS
ARE ACTUALLY THINKING.
440
00:19:51,583 --> 00:19:54,250
"OKAY. DON'T SLIP OUT.
SHIT! GO SLOW!"
441
00:19:54,250 --> 00:19:57,083
ROLLOVER USUALLY HAPPENS WITH
THE GIRL ON TOP, RIGHT?
442
00:19:57,083 --> 00:19:59,500
GIRL'S JUST KIND
OF BOUNCING AWAY.
443
00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:01,834
ALL OF A SUDDEN...
444
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:06,583
"MY LEGS HURT."
445
00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:08,709
[ LAUGHTER ]
446
00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:11,125
[ SCATTERED CHEERS
AND APPLAUSE ]
447
00:20:11,125 --> 00:20:14,542
"SO WHAT?
MY TRICEPS HURT.
448
00:20:14,542 --> 00:20:16,208
I WAS UP THERE FOR
18 FUCKING MINUTES.
449
00:20:16,208 --> 00:20:19,000
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I NEED TO PUT ICY HOT ALL OVER
450
00:20:19,000 --> 00:20:21,250
MY GUNS.
ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA CHECK
451
00:20:21,250 --> 00:20:23,500
SOMETHING REAL QUICK.
YOU GOT ON TOP AT 11:33.
452
00:20:23,500 --> 00:20:25,667
HOLD ON.
IT'S STILL 11:33!
453
00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:28,250
FUCK THIS.
NOW IT'S MY TURN!"
454
00:20:28,250 --> 00:20:30,375
SOMETIMES I'LL USE THAT MOMENTUM
TO MY ADVANTAGE, THOUGH.
455
00:20:30,375 --> 00:20:32,208
I'LL BE LIKE,
"HONEY, YOU WORKED SO HARD.
456
00:20:32,208 --> 00:20:33,834
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GIVE
SOMETHING BACK.
457
00:20:33,834 --> 00:20:37,291
NOW IT'S MY TURN. PSYCH.
YOUR TURN AGAIN. OKAY."
458
00:20:37,667 --> 00:20:41,709
I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS --
I DO FEEL BAD FOR THE LADIES.
459
00:20:41,709 --> 00:20:44,917
WHY? WHEN?
DOGGIE STYLE.
460
00:20:44,917 --> 00:20:46,500
DOGGIE STYLE.
461
00:20:46,500 --> 00:20:49,166
I DON'T WANT GUYS
CLAPPING FOR THAT.
462
00:20:49,166 --> 00:20:49,959
PLEASE.
463
00:20:49,959 --> 00:20:52,500
WELL, IT IS HOLLYWOOD.
OKAY. YOU CAN CLAP FOR IT.
464
00:20:52,500 --> 00:20:53,917
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
465
00:20:53,917 --> 00:20:58,959
I FEEL BAD FOR THE LADIES OR
THE WEAKER GUY OF THE COUPLE
466
00:20:58,959 --> 00:21:01,959
WHEN YOU DO THE DOGGIE
STYLE BECAUSE
467
00:21:01,959 --> 00:21:05,375
YOU BECOME PART SEXUAL BEING,
PART WORLD'S STRONGEST WOMAN
468
00:21:05,375 --> 00:21:06,875
COMPETITION CONTESTANT, OKAY?
469
00:21:06,875 --> 00:21:11,125
'CAUSE LOOK, THE LADIES ARE
USUALLY HUNCHED OVER
470
00:21:11,125 --> 00:21:12,542
ON ALL
FOURS LIKE THIS, RIGHT?
471
00:21:12,542 --> 00:21:15,917
CAN YOU JUST NOT LOOK AT ME
LIKE THAT, PLEASE? REAL QUICK.
472
00:21:15,917 --> 00:21:17,917
[ LAUGHTER ]
473
00:21:17,917 --> 00:21:19,166
THANK YOU.
474
00:21:19,166 --> 00:21:20,917
I'M THE PERVERT, RIGHT?
475
00:21:20,917 --> 00:21:22,834
NOW, THE GIRL'S ALWAYS HUNCHED
OVER ON ALL FOURS.
476
00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:24,625
NOW, IT'S USUALLY TWO,
THREE MINUTES IN.
477
00:21:24,625 --> 00:21:27,709
THAT'S WHEN THE SHOULDERS GET
A LITTLE WEAK ON A GIRL, RIGHT?
478
00:21:27,709 --> 00:21:29,000
HEAD GETS A LITTLE HEAVIER.
479
00:21:29,000 --> 00:21:31,792
GIRL'S JUST KIND OF LIKE...
480
00:21:39,250 --> 00:21:41,333
"THIS IS BULLSHIT.
481
00:21:41,625 --> 00:21:43,583
THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.
482
00:21:43,583 --> 00:21:45,792
[ GRUNTS ]
483
00:21:48,166 --> 00:21:49,500
HEY!
484
00:21:49,500 --> 00:21:50,875
HEY, YOU!
HEY, MY ARMS HURT.
485
00:21:50,875 --> 00:21:53,625
YEAH, SO IF YOU COULD HURRY,
THAT WOULD BE GOOD, OKAY.
486
00:21:53,625 --> 00:21:55,917
I'LL SEE YOU SOON.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.
487
00:21:55,917 --> 00:21:57,000
BYE. THANKS."
488
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,750
FOUR MINUTES,
THE ELBOW STARTS TO GO.
489
00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:01,959
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
HEY!
490
00:22:01,959 --> 00:22:03,166
GO!"
FIVE MINUTES --
491
00:22:03,166 --> 00:22:05,291
NO GIRL MAKES IT PAST FIVE.
THEY'RE ALL LIKE THIS.
492
00:22:05,291 --> 00:22:08,291
THEY FLOP DOWN LIKE THIS,
PUT THE ASS UP.
493
00:22:08,291 --> 00:22:10,125
"GO.
GET IT OVER WITH.
494
00:22:10,125 --> 00:22:11,792
I HATE YOU.
495
00:22:11,792 --> 00:22:14,291
YOUR PILLOW SMELLS LIKE SHIT.
496
00:22:14,291 --> 00:22:15,750
FUCK FACE!"
I GOT TO GO.
497
00:22:15,750 --> 00:22:16,917
THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.
498
00:22:16,917 --> 00:22:18,542
ENJOY YOUR EVENING.
TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.
499
00:22:18,542 --> 00:22:20,250
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.
THANK YOU.
500
00:22:20,250 --> 00:22:22,625
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
501
00:22:22,625 --> 00:22:25,750
THANK YOU, GUYS.
GOOD NIGHT.
502
00:22:34,083 --> 00:22:36,709
NOW, THIS NEXT
PERFORMER IS A COP,
503
00:22:36,709 --> 00:22:39,959
BUT SHE IS THE FURTHEST
THING FROM A PIG.
504
00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:43,375
PLEASE WELCOME
AURORA JOLIE.
505
00:22:43,375 --> 00:22:46,834
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
506
00:22:51,250 --> 00:22:54,583
[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]
507
00:23:01,333 --> 00:23:04,250
OW!
508
00:23:18,125 --> 00:23:20,375
COME ON, COME ON
AND SEEK A PIECE
509
00:23:20,375 --> 00:23:23,000
COME ON, COME ON,
LET'S GET AROUSED
510
00:23:23,000 --> 00:23:25,750
COME ON, COME ON, I KNOW THAT
YOU CAN FEEL IT THERE
511
00:23:25,750 --> 00:23:29,291
COME ON, COME ON,
I'M TALKING TO YOU
512
00:23:29,917 --> 00:23:33,750
DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
513
00:23:33,750 --> 00:23:39,625
I'M THE ONE WHO
FEEDS YOUR PAIN
514
00:23:39,625 --> 00:23:44,500
COME ON, COME ON,
AND NEVER LEAVE
515
00:23:44,500 --> 00:23:50,542
I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA
GIVE YOU A THRILL
516
00:24:00,083 --> 00:24:02,792
LITTLE ONE, LITTLE ONE,
I'M TIRED OF HELL
517
00:24:02,792 --> 00:24:05,500
LITTLE ONE, LITTLE ONE,
I'M IN YOUR SPELL
518
00:24:05,500 --> 00:24:08,333
THIS IS THE THING
THAT I FEARED THE MOST
519
00:24:08,333 --> 00:24:12,458
THIS IS THE SON
AND THE HOLY GHOST
520
00:24:12,458 --> 00:24:17,208
DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
521
00:24:17,417 --> 00:24:22,333
I'M THE ONE WHO
FEEDS YOUR PAIN
522
00:24:22,333 --> 00:24:27,125
COME ON, COME ON,
AND NEVER LEAVE
523
00:24:27,125 --> 00:24:33,083
I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA
GIVE YOU A THRILL
524
00:24:37,333 --> 00:24:40,000
[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]
525
00:24:50,750 --> 00:24:52,250
[ Crowd ]
OW! WHOO!
526
00:24:52,250 --> 00:24:53,500
[ WOLF-WHISTLES ]
527
00:24:53,500 --> 00:24:56,208
LITTLE ONE, LITTLE ONE,
I'M TIRED OF HELL
528
00:24:56,208 --> 00:24:58,959
LITTLE ONE, LITTLE ONE,
I'M IN YOUR SPELL
529
00:24:58,959 --> 00:25:01,542
THIS IS THE THING THAT
I FEARED THE MOST
530
00:25:01,542 --> 00:25:05,834
THIS IS THE SON
AND THE HOLY GHOST
531
00:25:05,834 --> 00:25:09,875
DO YOU REMEMBER ME?
532
00:25:10,667 --> 00:25:17,041
I'M THE ONE WHO
FEEDS YOUR PAIN
533
00:25:22,834 --> 00:25:27,166
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
534
00:25:29,625 --> 00:25:34,250
YEAH, I'M A HIP-HOP DANCER, JAZZ
AND BALLET, AND BURLESQUE, TOO.
535
00:25:34,250 --> 00:25:36,542
SO, I JUST WANT TO PERFORM.
536
00:25:36,542 --> 00:25:38,041
I'M AN ARTIST.
537
00:25:38,041 --> 00:25:42,667
SO, ARTISTS ENJOY EVERYTHING
THAT YOU CAN GIVE ME,
538
00:25:42,667 --> 00:25:45,166
I WILL ENJOY IT.
THAT'S GREAT.
539
00:25:45,166 --> 00:25:47,750
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
540
00:25:50,333 --> 00:25:55,667
WELL, FINALLY, A COP WHO KNOWS
HOW TO HANDLE A NIGHTSTICK.
541
00:25:55,667 --> 00:25:56,041
[ AUDIENCE CHEERS ]
542
00:25:56,041 --> 00:25:58,583
THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING.
THAT IS OUR SHOW TONIGHT.
543
00:25:58,583 --> 00:26:02,375
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.
40332
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