Original subtitles

GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND "SLUTS."

UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[ ROCK MUSIC PLAYS ]

THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW I'VE EVER BEEN ON.

THIS IS MY FANTASY.

LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM ABOUT DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT.

I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY,

AND I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW IT'S GONNA TURN OUT.

IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A NICE ASS, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

I FEEL LIBERATED WHEN I GET NAKED,

SO IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPERIENCE.

BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A GREAT ASS,

SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE,

I WOULD BE NAKED.

I HAVE NEVER WORKED WITH SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE.

I'M YOUR HOST, SHANNON ELIZABETH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

THE JITTERS ARE GONE. EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN.

ENERGY -- YOU CAN FEEL IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M, UH -- I'M -- I'M TAKING A NAP.

[ MUSIC CONTINUES ]

IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED. [ LAUGHS ]

I'LL DO IT, TOO

[ Announcer ] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, SHANNON ELIZABETH.

DO YOU WANT TO BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND?

I COULD CHA CHA CHA-CHA-CHA

BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND

I GOT ONE DOLLAR, A SACAGAWEA

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ Man ]UM, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE DOING THAT DANCE EXACTLY RIGHT.

WHAT?

WELL, YOU KNOW, EARLIER, YOU WERE DOING THE CHA-CHA,

AND NOW IT'S MORE OF A TWO-STEP, AND,

YOU KNOW, I'M JUST THINKING YOUNEED TO PUT MORE HIPS INTO IT.

OH, REALLY, FRANK? WELL, DO YOU THINK YOU CAN COME

OUT HERE AND DO IT BETTER?

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

YEAH.

AWESOME. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHERE'S THE MUSIC?

[ MUSIC RESUMES ]

DO YOU WANT TO BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND?

I COULD CHA CHA CHA-CHA-CHA

BE MY NEW BOYFRIEND

I GOT ONE DOLLAR, A SACAGAWEA

I'LL USE IT TO TEASE YA

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]

BOY, I GOT TO BUY YOU SOME ICE CREAM

I THINK ABOUT YOU IN ALL MY GOOD DREAMS

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

OKAY.

[ LAUGHS ]

ALL RIGHT. THANKS FOR THAT, FRANK.

I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH.

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

NOW, THIS SHOW FEATURES HILARIOUS COMEDIANS AND SEXY

BURLESQUE DANCERS, AND I GUARANTEE

IT'S THE MOST FUN YOU COULD HAVE SOBER.

THAT'S NOT TO SAY THAT I'M SOBER,

BUT ASSUMING YOU GUYS ARE.

LET'S JUST GET TO OUR FIRST PERFORMER.

HE IS FROM MICHIGAN. GIVE IT UP FOR MICHAEL KOSTA!

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

MIKE KOSTA'S MY NAME. MIKE KOSTA.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS? MIKE KOSTA. MIKE KOSTA.

ATTRACTIVE LADIES, MIKE KOSTA.

UGLY LADIES, MIKE KOSTA. HOW ARE YOU?

GAY GUYS, MIKE KOSTA. OH, YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I'M FROM MICHIGAN. LOOK WHAT I CAN DO.

WHAM! I CAN SHOW WHERE I'M FROM INSTANTANEOUSLY!

PEOPLE IN MICHIGAN CAN SHOW YOU WHERE THEY'RE FROM ON THEIR

HANDS 'CAUSE IT LOOKS LIKE THE STATE.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CALL PEOPLE FROM MICHIGAN?

MICHIGANDERS. ISN'T THAT A GOOD ONE?

MICHIGANDERS! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CALL PEOPLE

FROM OREGON? OREGONIANS.

OREGONIANS. PEOPLE FROM FLORIDA --

FLORIDIANS. [ GASPS ] FLORIDIANS.

PEOPLE FROM MISSISSIPPI -- RACISTS.

YOU CALL THEM RACIST, BIGOT FUCKS.

THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL PEOPLE FROM MISSISSIPPI.

[ APPLAUSE ]

I WAS SHOPPING THE OTHER DAY, AND I SAW A WOMAN WITH A TATTOO.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? IT WAS CRAZY, RIGHT?

SHE HAD IT RIGHT ABOVE HER ASS, THE LOWER BACK,

KIND OF LIKE FRANK, RIGHT?

A LOT OF PEOPLE CALL THIS TATTOO THE "TRAMP STAMP."

I DON'T LIKE THIS TERM "TRAMP STAMP."

YOU CAN'T JUST CALL A WOMAN A TRAMP WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING HER,

RIGHT? BESIDES, IT'S NOT A STAMP.

IT'S PERMANENT INK, WHICH IS WHY

I CALL IT "THE INK ABOVE THE STINK."

IT'S A CLASSY TERM. IT'S A CLASSY TERM.

SPEAKING OF SLUTTY WOMEN, MY GIRLFRIEND...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SIGHS ] ...JUST BROKE UP WITH ME.

YEAH. WE MOVED IN TOGETHER.

THAT WAS THE PROBLEM. YOU LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT EACH

OTHER WHEN YOU MOVE IN TOGETHER.

LIKE, WITHIN THE FIRST COUPLE WEEKS,

I LEARNED THAT SHE WAKES UP SO EARLY.

SHE LEARNED THAT I SLEEP IN LATE.

I LEARNED THAT SHE IS A NEAT FREAK.

SHE LEARNED THAT I'M MESSY.

I LEARNED THAT SHE HAS TO WORK WITH MUSIC ON.

SHE LEARNED THAT I HAVE TO CHEAT ON HER.

THESE ARE THINGS THAT PEOPLE HAVE A HARD TIME DEALING WITH.

SHE ALWAYS SAID I WAS NARCISSISTIC, RIGHT?

SHE SAID I WAS SELF-ABSORBED, JUST BECAUSE OCCASIONALLY,

WHEN WE WOULD HAVE SEX, WHAT I WOULD

DO IS I WOULD TAKE MY HEAD SHOT, AND I WOULD PUNCH OUT THE EYES,

AND I'D MAKE HER WEAR IT AS A MASK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

I FIGURED THAT WAY I COULD ACTUALLY BE INSIDE OF MYSELF.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIVING IN L.A., I'VE CONCLUDED THAT I WOULD RATHER DATE

AN ANOREXIC WOMAN THAN A BULIMIC WOMAN.

NOW, AN ANOREXIC WOMAN, ALTHOUGH SICKLY AND DISGUSTING-LOOKING,

I DON'T HAVE TO BUY HER DINNER.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MAYBE JUST A NEW WIG.

MIKE KOSTA.

MIKE KOSTA, EVERYBODY.

MIKE KOSTA.

MIKE KOSTA.

WENT ON A DATE RECENTLY WITH A WOMAN IN A WHEELCHAIR.

YEAH.

I STOOD HER UP.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHEN SHE FELL FOR ME. I'M SORRY.

AFTER THAT, IT BECAME A BIT OF A DRAG,

TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.

I ONCE CONVINCED A BLIND WOMAN I HAD A BRAILLE TATTOO

ON MY PENIS. SWEET. YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK GOD SHE'S A SLOW READER, HUH?

"WHAT'S IT SAY? WHAT'S IT SAY?"

"IT SAYS 'MIKE KOSTA.'

KEEP READING."

I ONCE DATED A SMOKER.

WOW. THAT WAS TOUGH, RIGHT?

SMOKED A LOT. SHE SMOKED SO MUCH,

HER VAGINA TASTED LIKE AN ASHTRAY.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT? I KNOW.

OR WAS THAT HER ASSHOLE?

NOPE, THAT WAS HER VAGINA,

BECAUSE HER ASSHOLE TASTED LIKE SHIT.

YEAH, IT TASTED LIKE SHIT.

LIKE I SAID, I'M FROM MICHIGAN. WHAM!

IN MICHIGAN, THEY'VE GOT BILLBOARDS FROM GOD.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

GOD BUYS BILLBOARDS IN MICHIGAN.

IT'S GOTTEN SO BAD THAT SATAN STARTED BUYING BILLBOARDS,

AND HE PUTS THEM UP NEXT TO GOD'S TO COUNTERACT HIS MESSAGE.

PRETTY SMART, RIGHT, SATAN?

I SAW THIS ONE -- "ALL I KNOW IS EVERYTHING -- GOD."

RIGHT NEXT TO THAT, "YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT -- SATAN."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"PREMARITAL SEX IS A SIN -- GOD."

"NOT IF YOU PULL OUT -- SATAN."

[ LAUGHTER ] WHAT THE FUCK, SATAN?

THANKS FOR LAUGHING.

PEOPLE GET SO SENSITIVE ABOUT RELIGION.

PEOPLE GET SO SENSITIVE ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

ONE GUY CAME UP TO ME.

HE SAYS, "MICHAEL, YOU NEED TO MAKE HIM MORE OF A PRIORITY

IN YOUR LIFE." THEN HE GAVE ME THIS BRACELET,

AND IT READS "LIVE FOR HIM." ISN'T THAT NICE?

AND WHEN I DON'T WEAR THIS ON MY WRIST,

I WEAR IT AS A COCK RING WHEN I BANG STRIPPERS. YEAH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

MIKE KOSTA.

I WASN'T EVEN GONNA DO THAT JOKE.

I THOUGHT I WASN'T GONNA DO IT, BUT THEN I THOUGHT TO MYSELF,

"YOU KNOW, WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I JUST BOUGHT THE NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES.

HOLY SHIT, THOSE THINGS ARE AWESOME.

YOU KNOW THOSE THINGS?

WHEN YOU WEAR NOISE-CANCELING HEADPHONES,

IT BLOCKS OUT ALL THE EXTERNAL SOUND.

I WEAR MINE ALL THE TIME.

I EVEN WEAR THEM WHEN I MASTURBATE.

NOW, I KNOW THAT SOUNDS A LITTLE GROSS,

BUT I GOT TIRED OF PEOPLE YELLING AT ME ON THE BUS.

I GET TIRED OF THAT SHIT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WELL, THEY ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING --

"YOU SHOULD BE MORE PROFESSIONAL!

YOU'RE THE DRIVER!" YOU KNOW WHAT?

"OKAY, LADY, YOUR KIDS WILL GET TO SCHOOL ON TIME, OKAY?

MAY JUST HAVE TO CLEAN OFF THE WINDSHIELD,

'CAUSE KOSTA'S GOT RANGE, MOTHERFUCKER."

THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HER. MY NAME'S MIKE KOSTA.

YOU GUYS SLEEP WELL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ Crowd ] OW!

ALL RIGHT!

I'M JUST WONDERING, DID ANYBODY CATCH HIS NAME?

BECAUSE I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.

[ Crowd ] MIKE KOSTA! OH, THERE YOU GO!

ALL RIGHT. THIS NEXT LADY IS A BEAUTIFUL DANCER.

PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR KELLY KOSKI.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ CRASHING SOUND ]

UM, KELLY, ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU READY?

OKAY. KELLY KOSKI.

[ BLUES MUSIC PLAYS ]

TELL ME, BABY

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, BABY,

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME, BABY

I CAN'T CHANGE WHAT I CAN'T SEE

WHOA, TAKE ME, BABY

PLEASE TRY AND UNDERSTAND

WHOA, TAKE ME, BABY

PLEASE TRY AND UNDERSTAND

I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME, BABY,

'CAUSE I AM WHAT I AM

[ SAXOPHONE SOLO ]

IF SHE CAN MAKE OUT A...

IT'S MAKING ME LOSE MY MIND

TIME TO MAKE THE BEST OF WHAT WE GOT

I FEEL LIKE I'M DOING TIME

HOLD ON, HOLD ON

BABY, WE'LL MAKE IT THROUGH

HOLD ON, BABY, 'CAUSE I LOVE YOU

AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, BABY

TELL ME WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, BABY

TELL ME, BABY

TELL ME SOMETHING'S WRONG

[ MUSIC STOPS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I, IN MY AUDITION, ACTUALLY ATE SHIT, AND I CRIED,

'CAUSE I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.

I WASN'T SEXY IN IT, AND I FUCKED UP."

AND SHE CALLS ME, AND SHE WAS LIKE, "I LOVED IT!

WE'RE MAKING IT NOW WHERE YOU JUST EAT IT THE WHOLE TIME."

AND I WAS LIKE, "I CAN DO THAT."

SO, THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS THAT I HOPE

SHE HAS GOOD HEALTH INSURANCE.

NOW, THIS NEXT COMEDIAN IS ONE OF THE BEST IN THE COUNTRY.

HE JUST WENT TO IRAQ TO PERFORM FOR THE TROOPS, WHICH IS GREAT,

BECAUSE I LIKE A MAN WHO LIKES A MAN IN UNIFORM.

ANYWAY, THIS GUY -- WELCOME TO THE STAGE STEVE BYRNE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

WHAT'S UP, GUYS? HOW ARE YOU?

HOW YOU DOING? HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GOOD TO BE HERE. GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL.

YOU GUYS ARE A NICE CROWD.

THANKS FOR BEING HERE TONIGHT.

I HAD A WEIRD THING HAPPEN TO ME THE OTHER DAY.

I ASKED A BUDDY OF MINE -- HE WENT ON A DATE,

AND I ASKED HIM HOW IT WENT.

SOMETIMES WHEN GIRLS ASK EACH OTHER ABOUT A DATE,

GIRLS ARE LIKE, "HOW'D TODAY GO?"

"OH, IT WAS AWESOME. HE TOOK ME TO CINNABON.

HE OPENED THE DOOR FOR ME. HE'S A COMPLETE GENTLEMAN."

GUYS -- IT GOES RIGHT TO SEX, RIGHT?

I ASKED MY BUDDY -- I GO,

"HEY, HOW WAS THAT DATE THE OTHER NIGHT?"

"I FUCKING FINGER-BLASTED HER."

"WHAT?" FINGER-BLASTED?

I HAD TO GOOGLE IT. I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT

FINGER BLASTING WAS.

FINGER BLASTING IS THIRD BASE NOW.

THERE'S NO MORE THIRD BASE.

IT'S FINGER BLASTING. WHAT SUAVE, ROMANTIC GENTLEMAN

CAME UP WITH "FINGER BLASTING," BY THE WAY?

THE SHEER VISUAL ALONE MAKES ME LAUGH.

[ IMITATES GUNSHOTS ]

[ IMITATES GUN HAMMER CLICKING ]

HOLD UP. HOLD UP.

[ IMITATES GUNSHOTS ]

YOU REALLY WANT TO PARTY.

[ IMITATES MACHINE-GUN FIRE ]

FINGER BLASTING?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THERE'S A FEW DYNAMIC DUOS OF WORDS THAT COME TOGETHER.

"FINGER BLASTING" IS ONE. "DONKEY PUNCH" IS ANOTHER ONE.

I MEAN, NO SETUP. JUST "DONKEY PUNCH."

IT'S FUNNY, RIGHT? ANOTHER ONE THAT MAKES ME LAUGH,

ANOTHER DYNAMIC DUO -- "FUCK FACE."

THAT'S PRETTY MEAN, RIGHT?

I MEAN, YOU'RE TAKING THE MOTHER OF ALL SWEAR WORDS

AND APPLYING IT TO SOMEONE'S IDENTITY.

AND IT NEVER COMES OFF IN A CUTE WAY.

SOMETIMES SWEAR WORDS CAN BE KIND OF CUTE,

MAYBE WITH YOUR GIRL. SHE BRINGS YOU A BOWL

OF ICE CREAM AFTER DINNER.

YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, THANKS FOR THE ICE CREAM, YOU LITTLE SHITHEAD."

"OOH, OKAY. SPUNKY."

IT DOESN'T SOUND THE SAME, THOUGH, RIGHT?

YOU'RE LIKE, "THANKS FOR THE PIE, YOU LITTLE FUCK FACE."

"DO YOU NOT LIKE PIE, OR..."

"FUCK FACE" ONLY HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE REALLY PISSED OFF.

MAYBE WHEN YOU'RE DRIVING, SOMEBODY CUTS YOU OFF.

"WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING, FUCK FACE!"

"HOLY SHIT. ROLL UP THE WINDOWS.

HE CALLED ME 'FUCK FACE.' YOU HEARD HIM.

HE MEANS BUSINESS." AND, YES, I STILL HAVE A SHITTY

CAR THAT I HAVE TO ROLL UP THE WINDOW LIKE THIS WITH.

IT'S AN OLD CAR.

IT'S AN OLD JOKE, ACTUALLY.

I WAS FLYING HERE. SOME GUY WAS SITTING NEXT TO ME,

AND HE WENT, "AAAH..." AND HE HELD HIS HAND LIKE THIS,

AND HE SNEEZED, AND IT SPRAYED MY FACE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HAVE YOU EVER HAD SOMETHING SO DISGUSTING HAPPEN TO YOU,

YOU CAN'T EVEN MOVE? HE WAS LIKE, "ACHOO."

I'M LIKE, "WHAT THE FUCK JUST HIT ME?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "THAT'S GROSS, GETTING SPRAYED ON THE FACE,"

AND THEN I STARTED THINKING,

'CAUSE AS A GUY, YOU TAKE IT IN,

SO, YOU KNOW -- HOW CAN GIRLS LIKE THE FACIAL?

[ LAUGHTER ]

'CAUSE I KIND OF EXPERIENCED SOMETHING KIND OF LIKE IT BY

GETTING SNEEZED ON, BUT WHAT CHICK'S ACTUALLY INTO THAT?

I MEAN, AS A GUY, MAYBE IT'S HOT WHEN YOU DO IT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH, TAKE IT! YEAH! FUCK, YEAH! YEAH!"

AND THE MINUTE IT'S DONE, YOU'RE LIKE,

"YOU GOT TO WASH THAT SHIT OFF.

THAT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING."

"BUT IT'S FUCKING YOU!"

"WELL, GET ME OFF OF YOU NOW, OKAY?"

[ LAUGHS ]

I HAVE A QUESTION FOR THE GUYS.

GUYS, YOU EVER FART SO LOUD IT WOKE YOU UP?"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S SOMETHING --

THAT'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD BE

PROUD OF YET DISGUSTED AT RIGHT

AT THE SAME MOMENT, YOU KNOW?

I GUESS A GUY JUST... [ SNORES ]

[ IMITATES FART ] "WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

IS THAT A BURGLAR? OH, SHIT.

IS THAT A SMELLY BURGLAR IN MY HOME?

OH, THAT'S YOU.

YOU FARTED. THAT'S RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT."

GUYS, WHEN IT'S YOU, HILARIOUS. WHEN IT'S YOUR GIRL,

THE MOST DISGUSTING THING SHE'S EVER DONE.

[ SNORES ] [ IMITATES FART ]

"GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS BED. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

IS THERE A DUCK-CROSSING SIGN OVER THE BED?

GET ON THE COUCH. YEAH, WITH THE DOG.

THE TWO ANIMALS SLEEP ON THE COUCH.

THE HUMAN BEING WILL BE HERE. I'M NOT DUTCH. GO."

SEE, MOST GUYS THINK FARTS ARE FUNNY.

GENERALLY, I'M DISGUSTED BY FARTS.

IF A GUY FRIEND COMES UP TO ME, "PULL MY FINGER" --

"I WILL HIT YOU. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME."

EVERY GUY IN THIS ROOM HAS A GUY FRIEND THAT'S DONE THIS TO HIM

AT LEAST ONCE. [ IMITATES FART ]

WHAT IS THIS?

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE?

SOMEONE THAT YOU KNOW?

"HEY, THIS CAME OUT OF MY ASSHOLE.

I'M GONNA PUT IT BY YOUR NOSE."

"WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT?"

"'CAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS."

"NOT ANYMORE!"

NOT GIRLS, THOUGH. GIRLS HAVE A SENSE OF DECORUM

ABOUT THEMSELVES, SOME CIVILITY.

GIRLS DON'T DO THAT. MAYBE YOU'RE AT HOME WITH YOUR

GIRL, WATCHING TV. ALL OF A SUDDEN, SHE'S LIKE...

"YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

THIS GIRL FEELS LIKE SOME HOT TEA.

I'M GONNA GET MYSELF SOME HOT TEA.

MY MAN, YOU WATCH YOUR GAME. THAT'S WHAT YOU DO.

I'M GONNA BE RIGHT HERE IN THIS KITCHEN DOING MY THING,

GETTING SOME...

[ COUGHING ]

I DON'T FEEL LIKE GETTING SOME TEA 'CAUSE I GOT TO GET

THE TEAPOT AND BOIL THE WATER. JUST TOO MUCH WORK,

SO I'M GONNA SIT BACK DOWN WITH MY MAN AND

WATCH THIS GAME."

"WELL, NOW I'M THIRSTY, SO I'M GONNA GET MYSELF A BEER."

"I'LL GET IT FOR YOU." "IT'S OKAY.

I'LL GET MY OWN BEER. I'LL BE RIGHT IN THE --

WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO IN THE KITCHEN?

HOLY SHIT. GOD DAMN IT.

HEY, RED BARON, DID YOU FLY IN AND CROP-DUST THE WHOLE AREA?"

WOMEN CROP-DUST LIKE IT'S NO TOMORROW.

GIRLS WILL BE LIKE, "OH, I THINK

I LEFT MY PURSE OVER THERE. EXCUSE ME."

[ IMITATES AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING ]

[ LAUGHTER ]

OH, MY LIPSTICK'S THERE.

[ IMITATES AIRPLANE ENGINE ROARING ]

A LOT OF CRAZY MANEUVERS THAT GO ON IN THE BEDROOM, RIGHT,

WHEN YOU'RE A COUPLE, LOCK IT DOWN?

A LOT OF CRAZY MANEUVERS. HEADBOARD SHIMMY.

YOU ALL KNOW WHAT THAT IS, RIGHT?

EVERY COUPLE STARTS OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BED.

EVENTUALLY, YOU WORK YOUR WAY UP TILL -- USUALLY IT'S THE GUY

'CAUSE HE'S TALLER -- WILL HIT HIS HEAD ON THE HEADBOARD

OR THE WALL. THEN YOU HAVE TO DO THAT SHIMMY

BACK DOWN, THIS LITTLE BREAK-DANCE MOVE ON YOUR BACK --

WHATEVER THIS SHIT IS.

BUT AS A MAN, YOU'LL ENDURE THAT

PAIN FOR A FEW MOMENTS.

WHY? YOU'RE A FUCKING MORON.

'CAUSE THERE YOU ARE WITH YOUR GIRL, GOING AT IT.

EVERYTHING'S GOING GREAT, RIGHT?

THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN...

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ THUDDING ]

"STOP!" "WHAT'S WRONG?"

"YOU'RE GONNA RAM MY HEAD THROUGH THE GODDAMN WALL!

THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!

YOU WANT ME TO DRINK OUT OF A STRAW THE REST OF MY LIFE?

HOLY SHIT! ALL RIGHT. ONE, TWO, THREE, GO.

THERE YOU GO. GOOD GIRL."

ROLLOVER -- THAT'S ANOTHER ONE. ROLLOVER --

THAT'S A TRICKY MANEUVER.

THERE'S ALWAYS SO MANY POSITIONS.

NOW, WHEN YOU'RE A COUPLE,

WHOEVER'S ON TOP, YOU'RE DOING ALL THE WORK.

WHOEVER'S ON BOTTOM, YOU'RE A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT.

HELP OUT, RIGHT?

SO, YOU GOT TO DO THE ROLLOVER. YOU GRIP ON.

"NOW IT'S MY TURN!"

BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT GUYS ARE THINKING WHEN THEY DO

THE ROLLOVER. HERE'S WHAT GUYS ARE ACTUALLY THINKING.

"OKAY. DON'T SLIP OUT. SHIT! GO SLOW!"

ROLLOVER USUALLY HAPPENS WITH THE GIRL ON TOP, RIGHT?

GIRL'S JUST KIND OF BOUNCING AWAY.

ALL OF A SUDDEN...

"MY LEGS HURT."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SCATTERED CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"SO WHAT? MY TRICEPS HURT.

I WAS UP THERE FOR 18 FUCKING MINUTES.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I NEED TO PUT ICY HOT ALL OVER

MY GUNS. ACTUALLY, I'M GONNA CHECK

SOMETHING REAL QUICK. YOU GOT ON TOP AT 11:33.

HOLD ON. IT'S STILL 11:33!

FUCK THIS. NOW IT'S MY TURN!"

SOMETIMES I'LL USE THAT MOMENTUM TO MY ADVANTAGE, THOUGH.

I'LL BE LIKE, "HONEY, YOU WORKED SO HARD.

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GIVE SOMETHING BACK.

NOW IT'S MY TURN. PSYCH. YOUR TURN AGAIN. OKAY."

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS -- I DO FEEL BAD FOR THE LADIES.

WHY? WHEN? DOGGIE STYLE.

DOGGIE STYLE.

I DON'T WANT GUYS CLAPPING FOR THAT.

PLEASE.

WELL, IT IS HOLLYWOOD. OKAY. YOU CAN CLAP FOR IT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I FEEL BAD FOR THE LADIES OR THE WEAKER GUY OF THE COUPLE

WHEN YOU DO THE DOGGIE STYLE BECAUSE

YOU BECOME PART SEXUAL BEING, PART WORLD'S STRONGEST WOMAN

COMPETITION CONTESTANT, OKAY?

'CAUSE LOOK, THE LADIES ARE USUALLY HUNCHED OVER

ON ALL FOURS LIKE THIS, RIGHT?

CAN YOU JUST NOT LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, PLEASE? REAL QUICK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THANK YOU.

I'M THE PERVERT, RIGHT?

NOW, THE GIRL'S ALWAYS HUNCHED OVER ON ALL FOURS.

NOW, IT'S USUALLY TWO, THREE MINUTES IN.

THAT'S WHEN THE SHOULDERS GET A LITTLE WEAK ON A GIRL, RIGHT?

HEAD GETS A LITTLE HEAVIER.

GIRL'S JUST KIND OF LIKE...

"THIS IS BULLSHIT.

THIS IS FUCKING BULLSHIT.

[ GRUNTS ]

HEY!

HEY, YOU! HEY, MY ARMS HURT.

YEAH, SO IF YOU COULD HURRY, THAT WOULD BE GOOD, OKAY.

I'LL SEE YOU SOON. I LOVE YOU, TOO.

BYE. THANKS."

FOUR MINUTES, THE ELBOW STARTS TO GO.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? HEY!

GO!" FIVE MINUTES --

NO GIRL MAKES IT PAST FIVE. THEY'RE ALL LIKE THIS.

THEY FLOP DOWN LIKE THIS, PUT THE ASS UP.

"GO. GET IT OVER WITH.

I HATE YOU.

YOUR PILLOW SMELLS LIKE SHIT.

FUCK FACE!" I GOT TO GO.

THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH.

ENJOY YOUR EVENING. TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES.

GOOD NIGHT, GUYS. THANK YOU.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU, GUYS. GOOD NIGHT.

NOW, THIS NEXT PERFORMER IS A COP,

BUT SHE IS THE FURTHEST THING FROM A PIG.

PLEASE WELCOME AURORA JOLIE.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS ]

OW!

COME ON, COME ON AND SEEK A PIECE

COME ON, COME ON, LET'S GET AROUSED

COME ON, COME ON, I KNOW THAT YOU CAN FEEL IT THERE

COME ON, COME ON, I'M TALKING TO YOU

DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

I'M THE ONE WHO FEEDS YOUR PAIN

COME ON, COME ON, AND NEVER LEAVE

I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA GIVE YOU A THRILL

LITTLE ONE, LITTLE ONE, I'M TIRED OF HELL

LITTLE ONE, LITTLE ONE, I'M IN YOUR SPELL

THIS IS THE THING THAT I FEARED THE MOST

THIS IS THE SON AND THE HOLY GHOST

DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

I'M THE ONE WHO FEEDS YOUR PAIN

COME ON, COME ON, AND NEVER LEAVE

I'M THE ONE WHO'S GONNA GIVE YOU A THRILL

[ INSTRUMENTAL SOLO ]

[ Crowd ] OW! WHOO!

[ WOLF-WHISTLES ]

LITTLE ONE, LITTLE ONE, I'M TIRED OF HELL

LITTLE ONE, LITTLE ONE, I'M IN YOUR SPELL

THIS IS THE THING THAT I FEARED THE MOST

THIS IS THE SON AND THE HOLY GHOST

DO YOU REMEMBER ME?

I'M THE ONE WHO FEEDS YOUR PAIN

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH, I'M A HIP-HOP DANCER, JAZZ AND BALLET, AND BURLESQUE, TOO.

SO, I JUST WANT TO PERFORM.

I'M AN ARTIST.

SO, ARTISTS ENJOY EVERYTHING THAT YOU CAN GIVE ME,

I WILL ENJOY IT. THAT'S GREAT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELL, FINALLY, A COP WHO KNOWS HOW TO HANDLE A NIGHTSTICK.

[ AUDIENCE CHEERS ]

THANK YOU GUYS FOR COMING. THAT IS OUR SHOW TONIGHT.

I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME. GOOD NIGHT, EVERYONE.