Original subtitles

GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO SLEEP AROUND SLUTS.

UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM. YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW I'VE EVER BEEN ON.

THIS IS MY FANTASY.

LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM ABOUT DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT.

I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY,

AND I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW IT'S GONNA TURN OUT.

IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS A NICE ASS, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.

I FEEL LIBERATED WHEN I GET NAKED,

SO IT'S BEEN A GREAT EXPERIENCE.

BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS AGREATASS,

SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE, IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE,

I WOULD BE NAKED.

I HAVE NEVER WORKED WITH SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE.

I'M YOUR HOST, SHANNON ELIZABETH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY"!

JITTERS ARE GONE. EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN.

ENERGY, YOU CAN FEEL IT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TAKING A NAP.

IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED. [ LAUGHS ]

[ ANNOUNCER ] LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, YOUR HOST,

SHANNON ELIZABETH.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU! WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY"!

THANK YOU!

TONIGHT, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA SEE BURLESQUE PERFORMERS

AND COMEDIANS AND --

[ MAN ] SHANNON, SHANNON, SHANNON!

CAN I GET A PICTURE WITH YOU REAL QUICK?

UM, I'M IN THE MIDDLE -- MAYBE AFTERWARDS.

BUT I KIND OF WANT TO DO IT NOW BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LIKE,

MY BATTERY'S DYING, AND I CAME ALL THE WAY HERE

FROM NEBRASKA. AND YOU KNOW, LIKE, I TRAVELED --

IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.

WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW.

OH, COME ON! COME ON! IT'LL JUST TAKE REAL QUICK!

REAL QUICK! REAL QUICK! REAL QUICK! REAL QUICK!

IT'LL BE GREAT. COME ON. OKAY.

OKAY. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

COOL. ALL RIGHT.

SO, YOU WANT TO GO ON THREE? UH, SURE.

OKAY. YOU WANT TO GO ON THREE, OR --

I LOOK BETTER WHEN IT'S LOW TO HIGH, MAYBE. OKAY.

YOU WANT TO GO ON THREE OR AFTER THREE?

WHATEVER YOU WANT. OKAY, OKAY.

ONE, TWO, AND THEN READY, GO!

DID IT TAKE? DID IT?

OH, IT'S DOING VIDEO.

OKAY, WAIT! WAIT, WAIT. YEAH.

WAIT A SECOND. OKAY, READY? OKAY.

CHEESE.

[ WOMAN ON PHONE ] CHAD? CHAD?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, SHIT. I CALLED MY MOM.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

HEY, MOM! YEAH. NO. OKAY.

NO. I'M IN CALIFORNIA. MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET --

A-DA-DA-DA DA-DA-DA-DA.

UH, YEAH.

I REALLY GOT TO -- YOU KNOW WHAT?

ACTUALLY, I'M REALLY SORRY. THIS IS A BAD TIME FOR ME.

SO I'M JUST GONNA TAKE THIS AND, YOU KNOW.

WE'LL DO IT LATER. OKAY.

[ LAUGHS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH.

WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY." I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH.

NOW, YOUR FIRST PERFORMER TONIGHT IS FROM

DETROIT, MICHIGAN, SO WE ARE JUST HAPPY

HE GOT THROUGH THE METAL DETECTORS.

PLEASE WELCOME MIKE YOUNG!

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

YEAH!

HOW WE FEELING?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

GOOD TO SEE YOU.

LET ME TELL YOU, THE SINGLE LIFE

IS STRESSING ME OUT. IT'S STRESSFUL.

I GOT TO START PICKING THEM BETTER.

I GOT TO QUIT MISTAKING CRAZY FOR INTERESTING.

[ LAUGHTER ]

RIGHT? IN THE BEGINNING, YOU'RE LIKE,

"OH, SHE IS SO SPONTANEOUS AND FULL OF LIFE!

WHAT A PERSONALITY!"

SIX MONTHS IN -- "FUCK, YOU'RE BIPOLAR!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

THIS IS REAL!

"I CAN'T HELP YOU." "YOU DON'T LIKE ME!"

"I LIKE ALL THE DIFFERENT YOUs.

BRING BACK SUNDAY."

THE LAST GIRL HAD A YORKIE.

NOTHING CUTE ABOUT THAT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING 6'2",

WALKING A 4-POUND DOG?

YEAH, IT'S LIKE BEING LAST ONE IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD TO KNOW

YOU'RE GAY. THERE'S NO COOL WAY TO WALK

A YORKIE. NO, THAT'S JUST TWO BITCHES

WALKING DOWN THE STREET TOGETHER.

"COME ON, BITCH." "YOU'RE A BITCH!"

"NAH."

THERE'S NOTHING COOL ABOUT IT.

BUT I'M BACK IN THE GAME, RELEARNING THE GAME.

TWO KINDS OF GIRLS -- OVER 25, UNDER 25.

OH, YEAH. DISTINCT DIFFERENCE.

UNDER 25, OH, THEY'LL STAY FOR THE WEEKEND.

THEY ACT LIKE THEIR PARENTS DROPPED THEM OFF FOR

A SLUMBER PARTY.

IT'S NOON. SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S FOR LUNCH?"

"A TAXI SANDWICH.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" OVER 25, NAH.

YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT ASKING AN OLDER GIRL TO LEAVE,

SHE'S ALREADY GONE WITH THE MUFFIN SHE TOASTED.

[ LAUGHTER ]

WHOO!

WE'RE IN A FINANCIAL CRISIS.

FELLAS, WE CAN'T SPEND MONEY LIKE WE USED TO.

NOPE. GUESS WHAT.

PERSONALITY'S MAKING A COMEBACK.

[ LAUGHTER ]

HELL YEAH, BRO.

I GOT EIGHT JOKES AND A HONDA ACCORD.

I'M FUCKING EVERYONE.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

I AM GETTING C.E.O. PUSSY WITH $11 IN THE BANK.

THIS IS AMAZING.

I AM FUN TO GO OUT WITH!

WE HAD SO MUCH FUN, SHE FORGOT WE DIDN'T EAT!

I'M DONE GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB.

IT'S OVER.

'CAUSE EVERY GUY DOES THE SAME SHIT, RIGHT?

"I'M NOT SPENDING MORE THAN $80."

SIX TRIPS TO THE ATM LATER, YOU ROBBED A FRIEND.

AND EVERY GUY TALKS TO THE DANCER.

YOU THINK IT'S YOUR PERSONALITY THAT'S KEEPING HER.

YOU LOOK AT YOUR BOY. YOU'RE LIKE,

"DUDE, I THINK SHE LIKES ME!"

YEAH, AND EVERY DANCER'S PUTTING HERSELF THROUGH COLLEGE.

I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE'S A WAVE OF GENIUS STRIPPERS OUT THERE.

IN 10 YEARS, YOU'RE GONNA BE AT THE NEUROSURGEON LIKE,

"PUSSYCAT JOHNSON?

CONGRATULATIONS!

YOU REALLY HANDLED THIS!

YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME? I FUCKING PUT YOU THROUGH SCHOOL!

YOU BETTER REMEMBER ME."

BUT YOU GET OLDER NOW.

YOU START PULLING MUSCLES DOING NOTHING.

ISN'T THAT BULLSHIT?

YOU'RE A KID, YOU PLAY STREET FOOTBALL FOR EIGHT HOURS,

BOUNCE OFF A CAR FENDER, YOU'RE FINE.

YESTERDAY I PULLED A NECK MUSCLE ORDERING FOOD AND LOOKING LEFT.

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

I'M LIKE, "YEAH, LET ME GET A --

OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE CANCER!

THAT'S SOME REAL SHIT!

OH, NOW IT'S IN MY SHOULDER! WHAT IS THAT?"

MY BUDDY'S LIKE, "WHAT DID YOU DO?"

I'M LIKE, "FUCK, I TALKED AND TURNED!"

HE KNEW. HE GOES, "DON'T DO THAT, BRO.

YOU GOT TO PAUSE!

YOU'RE NO FUCKING SUPERHERO!

ARE YOU CRAZY?"

I GOT TO GET NEW FRIENDS.

YOU EVER LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS AND GO, "WOW.

WHY ARE WE STILL HANGING OUT?"

I GOT FRIENDS I DON'T EVEN LIKE AS REGULAR PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M FROM DETROIT.

I STILL HAVE THAT ONE CRIMINAL FRIEND.

YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOUR CRIMINAL FRIEND IS 'CAUSE

HE'S THAT DUDE THAT, WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG,

HE TOOK A REGULAR PRANK WAY TOO FAR.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YO, BRO. LET'S THROW EGGS AT THE JACOBS'."

"HELL YEAH! THEN WE'LL KIDNAP HER FAT DAD!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

"LET'S FUCKING HANDLE THIS!

I'M 11! I LIVE ALONE!

I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING!"

AND GIRLS LOVE THEM.

GIRLS LOVE BAD BOYS. RIGHT?

THEY'RE LIKE, "OH, HE'S SO MYSTERIOUS."

YOU'RE LIKE, "NO SHIT. HE'S SLOW.

HE'S A FUCKING MYSTERY TO HIMSELF."

"WHAT'S ON HIS MIND?" "FUCKING DUST."

HE'S STILL SELLING WEED AT 37.

YOU CAN'T EVEN SMOKE THE NEW WEED.

OH, NOW THEY GOT THE NEW POWERFUL SHIT.

OH, YOU GET HIGH NOW, YOU THINK YOU'RE SMARTER.

NO, DUDE. I GET HIGH NOW,

I START DOING MATH FOR NO REASON.

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING. I'M FOILING DOING ALGEBRA AT HOME.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE OLD $25 A BAG DUM-DUM WEED?

REMEMBER THAT SHIT? JUST GET HIGH, GO TO TACO BELL,

AND SPEND $12 FOR YOURSELF.

YOU'D COME BACK FROM TACO BELL --

YOU'D COME BACK FROM TACO BELL WITH A GROCERY BAG FULL OF SHIT.

YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH!

IT'S THE GREATEST DAY I'VE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I DON'T KNOW.

I HAVEN'T BEEN.

I AM SO HAPPY!"

WHAT DO THEY PUT IN TACO BELL?

YOU EVER GO TO TACO BELL AND GO,

"HONESTLY, THIS IS THE BEST RESTAURANT I'VE EVER BEEN TO.

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M EATING A BURRITO SUPREME

OR PUSSY IN HAWAII!

SHIT IS AMAZING!"?

HEY, MY NAME'S MIKE YOUNG. ENJOY THE REST

OF YOUR EVENING OF COMEDY.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

OH, THANK YOU!

[ LAUGHS ]

[ MAN IN CROWD ] WE LOVE YOU, SHANNON!

OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO!

YOU KNOW, MIKE WAS JUST TALKING

ABOUT GIRLS BEING CRAZY AND BIPOLAR.

THE THING IS, IN L.A., WHEN A GIRL IS BIPOLAR,

IT JUST MEANS THAT SHE WORKS AT TWO STRIP CLUBS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THIS NEXT GIRL IS GONNA MAKE YOU GUYS WISH YOU DID YOGA.

PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME TO ALLISON KYLER.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]

COME ON

HEADING INTO TOWN ON 109

TRAVELING LIGHT, JUNIOR, GOT TO MAKE SOME TIME

AIN'T GOT NO PLANS AND NO PLACE TO BE

JUST GOOD OLD BOYS LETTING OFF STEAM

TEARING UP THE RED DIRT, ARLINGTON TO FORT WORTH

KARAOKE ROCK STAR, DANCING IN THE STOCKYARD

JAILS NOW

COWBOY UP, GIRLS, GET DOWN

FLATFOOT MAMA, ROCK THIS TOWN

COME ON, REDNECK NATION, MAKE SOME NOISE

TAKE IT TO THE FARM AND TAKE IT TO THE RANCH

OMAHA, NEBRASKA, TO PARIS, FRANCE

SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF OF THE BARN

HEY, Y'ALL, GET YOUR HILLBILLY GROOVE ON

COWBOY UP, GIRLS, GET DOWN

FLATFOOT MAMA, ROCK THIS TOWN

COME ON, REDNECK NATION, MAKE SOME NOISE

TAKE IT TO THE FARM AND TAKE IT TO THE RANCH

OMAHA, NEBRASKA, TO PARIS, FRANCE

SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF OF THE BARN

HEY, Y'ALL

COWBOY UP, GIRLS, GET DOWN

FLATFOOT MAMA, GONNA ROCK THIS TOWN

COME ON, REDNECK NATION, MAKE THAT NOISE

TAKE IT TO THE FARM, AND TAKE IT TO THE RANCH

OMAHA, NEBRASKA, TO PARIS, FRANCE

SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF OF THE BARN

HEY, Y'ALL, GET YOUR HILLBILLY GROOVE ON

[ SONG ENDS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THE WILDEST NIGHT I'VE EVER HAD DANCING PROBABLY

HAS TO BE IN THE BAHAMAS.

AND WE JUST GOT THERE, AND IT WAS SUCH

A LONG FLIGHT THAT WE ALL JUST GOT TOTALLY TRASHED,

WENT IN THE OCEAN. WE WERE SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN

AT LIKE 4:00 IN THE MORNING, COMPLETELY HAMMERED.

AND WE HAD TO DO A SHOW THE NEXT MORNING.

BUT, YEAH, IT'S A GOOD TIME.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THANK YOU. ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. THIS NEXT COMEDIAN IS WHAT YOU

WOULD CALL A PHYSICAL COMEDIAN,

AND WHAT I MEAN BY PHYSICAL IS THAT

HE TRIED TO GROPE ME BACKSTAGE.

PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR CHRIS D'ELIA.

[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HOW WE DOING -- GOOD? YEAH!

GOOD. NICE.

I FEEL KIND OF INSECURE.

I GOT THIS TIE ON, AND EVERYBODY

BACKSTAGE IS LIKE, "YOU'RE WEARING A TIE, HUH?

FUCKING..."

[ LAUGHTER ]

"...QUEER."

EVERYBODY ALWAYS MAKES FUN OF WHAT I WEAR.

I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE I'M WHITE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S WHY I WISH I WAS BLACK.

BLACK PEOPLE CAN WEAR ANYTHING,

AND NOBODY SAYS SHIT ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

IT'S THE TRUTH, RIGHT? LIKE, IF I WAS WALKING DOWN

THE STREET, I SAW A BLACK DUDE IN

FULL CAMOUFLAGE GEAR SUCKING ON A PACIFIER WITH, LIKE,

FAKE WINGS ON HIS BACK...

...LIKE, I WOULD NOT THINK, "WHAT A FUCKING DEGENERATE."

I WOULDN'T. I WOULD JUST THINK,

"OH, APPARENTLY HE KNOWS SOME SHIT I DON'T KNOW. FUNKY."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

BLACK PEOPLE, THEY'RE THE ONLY RACE THAT CAN WEAR CARTOONS ON

THEIR SHIRT, AND THAT'S CONSIDERED, LIKE, HARD-CORE

GANGSTER SHIT, RIGHT? IT'S TRUE, RIGHT?

LIKE, A BLACK DUDE WILL ROLL UP ON YOU BEING LIKE,

"OH, WAIT, MOTHERFUCKER. WHAT UP, PLAYER?

HOLLER AT YOUR BOY, MOTHERFUCKER.

OH, WAIT, MOTHERFUCKER.

Y'ALL BETTER RECOGNIZE THAT'S DORA THE EXPLORER,

MOTHERFUCKER."

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

"B-B-B-BLUES CLUES, MOTHERFUCKER!"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

IT STILL SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME, THOUGH.

I'M A PUSSY, MAN. I CANNOT HANG.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? I'M SCARED OF EVERYBODY, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHO THE SCARIEST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET ARE?

GERMANS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

ARE THERE ANY GERMANS IN HERE?

ALL RIGHT, COOL. LET'S TALK ABOUT THEM FOR A LITTLE BIT.

JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT.

I FEEL LIKE EVEN THE MOST HARD-CORE GANGSTER COULD ROLL UP

TO A GERMAN AND END UP SHITTING HIS PANTS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I FEEL LIKE IF A GANGSTER ROLLED UP TO A GERMAN, JUST BE LIKE,

"HEY, MOTHERFUCKER.

WHAT UP, MOTHERFUCKER?

WHAT UP NOW, PLAYER?

GIVE ME ALL YOUR GODDAMN MONEY. HUH?"

THE GERMAN WILL JUST STAND THERE AND SAY...

[ German accent ] "NO."

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

"NO, MOTHERFUCKER.

OF COURSE NOT."

[ Normal voice ] THE GANGSTER WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO,

RIGHT? HE'LL BE LIKE, "OH, SHIT. UH...

THAT AIN'T HOW THAT USUALLY GO DOWN.

DON'T Y'ALL SEE I HAVE A PISTOL?"

THE GERMAN WILL BE LIKE, "IT IS OKAY.

I HAVE ALREADY POISONED YOU, MY FRIEND."

[ COUGHS ] "OH, WAIT, MOTHER--"

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WHY ARE THEY SO SCARY? THEY ARE.

THEY ARESOSCARY, GERMANS. IT'S JUST...

[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN? IT'S JUST THE WAY THEY TALK.

JUST... [ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]

THEY WALK CREEPY, EVEN. JUST...

[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]

ALWAYS WALKING WITH THEIR HANDS BEHIND THEIR BACK, RIGHT?

'CAUSE THEY'RE HOLDING SHIT, LIKE KNIVES AND FUCKING SYRINGES

WITH POISON IN THEM, RIGHT?

[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]

"GO TO SLEEP, MY FRIEND.

GO TO FUCKING SLEEP.

GO TO FUCKING SLEEP, MY FRIEND.

I WILL FUCK YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"

[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]

"GO TO FUCKING -- FUCK YOU!

FUCK YOU IN YOUR SLEEP."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ SMOOCHES ]

RIGHT! YOU KNOW THEY KISS YOU!

YOU KNOW THEY FUCKING KISS YOU, RIGHT?

BECAUSE THEY'RE THE CREEPIEST FUCKERS EVER,

AND THEY KNOW THE WORST THING TO THINK OF RIGHT

BEFORE YOU DIE IS NOT, "OH, MY GOSH!

MY WIFE AND KIDS! WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITHOUT ME?"

IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S, "THIS IS KIND OF GAY."

[ GRUNTS ]

YOU CANNOT TRUST SOMEBODY WHO SOUNDS LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

YOU CAN'T! I CAN PROVE IT TO YOU, OKAY?

IF IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND A GERMAN CAME UP TO YOU AND SAID,

"HELLO.

I HAVE MADE YOU A BIRTHDAY CAKE."

WOULD YOU FUCKING EAT IT? NEIN!

YOU WOULD NOT EAT IT!

YOU'D BE LIKE, "DID YOU, UH, POISON THAT, OR..."

HE'D BE LIKE, "YES, I POISONED THAT SHIT.

I'M SORRY."

THEY TELL YOU, RIGHT? THEY TELL YOU 'CAUSE THEY DON'T

GIVE A SHIT. THEY'RE CREEPY.

THEY'LL JUST BE LIKE, "UH, YES, LISTEN.

UM...

I HAVE TRIED TO KILL YOU.

I HAVE FAILED.

BUT I WILL SUCCEED TOMORROW, MY FRIEND."

[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

I TOLD YOU, I'M A PUSSY.

I'M SCARED OF EVERYTHING, MAN.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARIEST THING I EVER DID IN MY LIFE WAS?

I WENT HUNTING.

HERE'S MY ADVICE. UH...

DON'T GO.

DON'T GO. IT'S NOT, IT'S UH...

BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING.

I'VE SEEN DUDES IN MOVIES GET SHOT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

AND IT'S ALL CINEMATIC, AND IT'S KIND OF BEAUTIFUL,

LIKE HE FLIES BACK IN SLOW MOTION.

IT'S JUST, "KKCH!" [ GRUNTS ]

AND YOU'RE LIKE, "GOOD. FUCK HIM.

HE WAS THE BAD GUY, ANYWAY."

THE DEER DIDN'T DO SHIT, THOUGH, RIGHT?

LIKE, IT IS NOT LIKE IN THE MOVIES.

THERE'S NO FLYING BACK OR ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS? THE DEER JUST DROPS.

IT'S HORRIFIC. IT'S SO UNEVENTFUL.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?

THE DEER WAS CHILLING OUT...

JUST EATING A BERRY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

JUST EATING IT, RIGHT?

JUST CHILLING OUT LIKE A DEER.

IT WAS A DEER!

THIS IS A GOOD DEER IMPRESSION, BY THE WAY.

FOR A HUMAN. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

JUST...

THERE'S OTHER DEER THAT COULD PROBABLY DO IT BETTER THAN ME,

BUT THIS SHIT IS...

JUST EATING A BERRY. REMEMBER THE BERRY, RIGHT?

IT GOT SHOT. THIS IS THE NOISE THAT CAME OUT

OF ITS MOUTH, NO BULLSHIT. IT GOES LIKE THIS...

[ IMITATES GUNSHOT ]

"OH!"

THAT'S WHAT IT DID!

IT LOOKED AT US, AND IT WENT,

"OH!"

LIKE "O-H," THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL THAT.

THAT'S A WORD.

YOU CAN LOOK THAT SHIT UP, RIGHT?

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE LIKE, "OH!

WHY DID YOU GUYS SHOOT ME?"

SO, MY BUDDY, HE SHOT THE DEER, AND HE WAS FREAKED OUT.

HE WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT, UH... OKAY, COME ON.

LET'S GO. LET'S GO." WE RUN TOWARDS THE DEER.

MY BUDDY GETS TO THE DEER, AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS TO ME.

HE JUST SHOT THIS DEER AND HE LOOKS AT ME ALL WILD-EYED,

AND HE SAYS, "YOUR TURN."

YEAH, BUT IT SAID IT CREEPY LIKE THAT, RIGHT?

I WAS LIKE, "WHAT? DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCK IT?"

LIKE, I'M PRETTY SURE THE ONLY REASON TO EVER SAY, "YOUR TURN,"

LIKE THAT, IS IF YOUR GROUP-RAPING SOMEBODY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

FUCK YOU! I NEVER GROUP-RAPED ANYBODY!

I'M JUST SAYING...

[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]

LIKE, IF I WAS GOING TO, I WOULD FINISH UP,

AND THEN I'D LOOK AT THE NEXT DUDE, AND I'D SAY,

"YOUR TURN!"

LIKE, I WOULD NEVER BE AT THE ATM AND JUST, "OOT, OOT, OOT,"

GET MY MONEY, AND THEN TURN AROUND AND SAY,

"YOUR TURN!"

DUDE WOULD BE LIKE, "FUCK THAT. I'M GOING TO CITIBANK.

SEE YOU."

[ LAUGHTER ]

SO, I WAS LIKE, "WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"

HE WAS LIKE, "YO, MAN, YOU GOT TO PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY,

BRO. THAT'S WHAT'S UP."

I WAS LIKE, "UH, FUCK YOU.

THAT'S WHAT'S UP. LIKE, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PUT IT

IN ITS MISERY. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LIKE, I'M PRETTY SURE IT WASN'T MISERABLE UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG

AND SHOT IT IN THE FUCKING NECK.

IT WAS EATING A BERRY!"

LIKE, I LIKE BERRIES, RIGHT? THEY'RE DELICIOUS!

THAT WAS THE DEER'S LUNCH!

THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF I WAS AT THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY...

AND THE WAITER CAME UP AND SHOT ME IN THE FUCKING FACE.

I'D JUST BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH. I REALLY ENJOY MY FOOD."

[ IMITATES GUNSHOT ] "OH!

CHECK, PLEASE!"

AND THEN THE WAITER TURNS TO THE BUSBOY AND SAYS, "YOUR TURN!"

THANKS A LOT. I'M CHRIS D'ELIA.

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YEAH.

ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT. SO, I'M JUST GONNA RUN OUT

AND GET CHRIS SOME RITALIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT IN THE MEANTIME, OUR NEXT ACT

IS A LOVELY LADY WHO TAKES HULA- HOOPING TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.

PLEASE WELCOME VALENTINA.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

[ UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC PLAYS ]

I JUST PUT ALL THE PIECES TOGETHER, BUT I MADE THE TUTU.

AND EVERYTHING ELSE, IT JUST KIND OF CAME TOGETHER RANDOMLY

WHEN I FIGURED OUT WHAT I NEEDED,

AND A LOT OF IT WAS STUFF I ALREADY HAD.

IT WASN'T ALL, LIKE, CRAZY LIKE

VEGAS-STYLE PROFESSIONAL

CLOTHING THAT EVERYBODY ELSE HAS.

MINE'S, LIKE, HOMEMADE.

HOPEFULLY YOU CAN'T TELL.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

WELL, THAT WAS AWESOME.

I THINK THE HULA-HOOP JUST LOST ITS INNOCENCE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT'S "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."

I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH, AND I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

GOOD NIGHT!