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1
00:00:00,375 --> 00:00:02,125
GUYS DON'T CALL WOMEN WHO
SLEEP AROUND SLUTS.
2
00:00:02,125 --> 00:00:05,375
UNH-UNH. WE JUST CALL THEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
3
00:00:06,166 --> 00:00:08,375
THIS IS THE COOLEST SHOW
I'VE EVER BEEN ON.
4
00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:09,417
THIS IS MY FANTASY.
5
00:00:09,417 --> 00:00:12,041
LIKE, IF I HAD A DREAM ABOUT
DOING COMEDY, THIS IS IT.
6
00:00:12,041 --> 00:00:13,333
I HAVE TO DO STAND-UP COMEDY,
7
00:00:13,333 --> 00:00:15,250
AND I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW
IT'S GONNA TURN OUT.
8
00:00:15,250 --> 00:00:19,834
IF I MEET A WOMAN AND SHE HAS
A NICE ASS, SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND.
9
00:00:19,834 --> 00:00:21,583
I FEEL LIBERATED
WHEN I GET NAKED,
10
00:00:21,583 --> 00:00:23,875
SO IT'S BEEN A GREAT
EXPERIENCE.
11
00:00:23,875 --> 00:00:26,875
BUT IF I MEET A WOMAN
AND SHE HAS AGREATASS,
12
00:00:26,875 --> 00:00:28,125
SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL.
13
00:00:28,125 --> 00:00:30,917
AS YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE,
IF I WASN'T WEARING THESE,
14
00:00:30,917 --> 00:00:31,917
I WOULD BE NAKED.
15
00:00:31,917 --> 00:00:34,000
I HAVE NEVER WORKED WITH
SHANNON ELIZABETH BEFORE.
16
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:36,959
I'M YOUR HOST,
SHANNON ELIZABETH.
17
00:00:36,959 --> 00:00:38,959
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
18
00:00:39,417 --> 00:00:42,166
WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY"!
19
00:00:42,166 --> 00:00:44,667
JITTERS ARE GONE.
EXCITEMENT'S KICKING IN.
20
00:00:44,667 --> 00:00:46,250
ENERGY, YOU CAN FEEL IT.
21
00:00:46,250 --> 00:00:48,166
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
22
00:00:48,166 --> 00:00:51,000
I'M TAKING A NAP.
23
00:00:55,250 --> 00:00:58,709
IT'S FUN TO GET NAKED.
[ LAUGHS ]
24
00:00:59,333 --> 00:01:01,583
[ ANNOUNCER ] LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, YOUR HOST,
25
00:01:01,583 --> 00:01:02,959
SHANNON ELIZABETH.
26
00:01:02,959 --> 00:01:05,667
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
27
00:01:05,667 --> 00:01:06,583
THANK YOU!
28
00:01:06,583 --> 00:01:11,166
THANK YOU!
WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY"!
29
00:01:11,166 --> 00:01:12,291
THANK YOU!
30
00:01:12,291 --> 00:01:15,959
TONIGHT, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA
SEE BURLESQUE PERFORMERS
31
00:01:15,959 --> 00:01:17,083
AND COMEDIANS AND --
32
00:01:17,083 --> 00:01:18,583
[ MAN ] SHANNON,
SHANNON, SHANNON!
33
00:01:18,583 --> 00:01:20,125
CAN I GET A PICTURE
WITH YOU REAL QUICK?
34
00:01:20,125 --> 00:01:22,041
UM, I'M IN
THE MIDDLE --
MAYBE AFTERWARDS.
35
00:01:22,041 --> 00:01:24,083
BUT I KIND OF WANT TO DO IT
NOW BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, LIKE,
36
00:01:24,083 --> 00:01:25,959
MY BATTERY'S DYING,
AND I CAME ALL THE WAY HERE
37
00:01:25,959 --> 00:01:27,959
FROM NEBRASKA.
AND YOU KNOW,
LIKE, I TRAVELED --
38
00:01:27,959 --> 00:01:29,291
IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME.
39
00:01:29,291 --> 00:01:30,625
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A SHOW.
40
00:01:30,625 --> 00:01:32,709
OH, COME ON! COME ON!
IT'LL JUST TAKE REAL QUICK!
41
00:01:32,709 --> 00:01:34,417
REAL QUICK! REAL QUICK!
REAL QUICK! REAL QUICK!
42
00:01:34,417 --> 00:01:35,750
IT'LL BE GREAT.
COME ON.
OKAY.
43
00:01:35,750 --> 00:01:37,000
OKAY. OKAY.
ALL RIGHT.
44
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:38,125
COOL.
ALL RIGHT.
45
00:01:38,125 --> 00:01:40,041
SO, YOU WANT TO GO
ON THREE?
UH, SURE.
46
00:01:40,041 --> 00:01:41,667
OKAY.
YOU WANT TO GO
ON THREE, OR --
47
00:01:41,667 --> 00:01:44,875
I LOOK BETTER WHEN
IT'S LOW TO HIGH, MAYBE.
OKAY.
48
00:01:44,875 --> 00:01:46,709
YOU WANT TO GO ON THREE
OR AFTER THREE?
49
00:01:46,709 --> 00:01:49,625
WHATEVER YOU WANT.
OKAY, OKAY.
50
00:01:49,625 --> 00:01:53,125
ONE, TWO, AND THEN READY, GO!
51
00:01:56,125 --> 00:01:58,208
DID IT TAKE?
DID IT?
52
00:01:58,208 --> 00:02:00,250
OH, IT'S DOING VIDEO.
53
00:02:00,250 --> 00:02:01,583
OKAY, WAIT!
WAIT, WAIT. YEAH.
54
00:02:01,583 --> 00:02:04,917
WAIT A SECOND.
OKAY, READY?
OKAY.
55
00:02:04,917 --> 00:02:05,792
CHEESE.
56
00:02:05,792 --> 00:02:07,375
[ WOMAN ON PHONE ]
CHAD? CHAD?
57
00:02:07,375 --> 00:02:08,834
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
58
00:02:08,834 --> 00:02:10,542
OH, SHIT.
I CALLED MY MOM.
59
00:02:10,542 --> 00:02:11,875
[ LAUGHTER ]
60
00:02:11,875 --> 00:02:13,709
HOLD ON ONE SECOND.
61
00:02:13,709 --> 00:02:16,834
HEY, MOM!
YEAH. NO. OKAY.
62
00:02:16,834 --> 00:02:19,458
NO. I'M IN CALIFORNIA.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET --
63
00:02:19,458 --> 00:02:21,250
A-DA-DA-DA
DA-DA-DA-DA.
64
00:02:21,250 --> 00:02:22,500
UH, YEAH.
65
00:02:22,500 --> 00:02:24,041
I REALLY GOT TO --
YOU KNOW WHAT?
66
00:02:24,041 --> 00:02:26,417
ACTUALLY, I'M REALLY SORRY.
THIS IS A BAD TIME FOR ME.
67
00:02:26,417 --> 00:02:29,792
SO I'M JUST
GONNA TAKE THIS
AND, YOU KNOW.
68
00:02:29,792 --> 00:02:32,500
WE'LL DO IT LATER.
OKAY.
69
00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:33,667
[ LAUGHS ]
70
00:02:33,667 --> 00:02:36,166
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
71
00:02:37,333 --> 00:02:39,000
OH.
72
00:02:39,542 --> 00:02:42,542
WELCOME TO "LIVE NUDE COMEDY."
I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH.
73
00:02:42,542 --> 00:02:44,834
NOW, YOUR FIRST PERFORMER
TONIGHT IS FROM
74
00:02:44,834 --> 00:02:46,667
DETROIT, MICHIGAN,
SO WE ARE JUST HAPPY
75
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:49,041
HE GOT THROUGH
THE METAL DETECTORS.
76
00:02:49,041 --> 00:02:52,166
PLEASE WELCOME MIKE YOUNG!
77
00:02:52,166 --> 00:02:54,375
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
78
00:02:55,417 --> 00:02:57,208
YEAH!
79
00:02:57,208 --> 00:02:58,917
HOW WE FEELING?
80
00:02:58,917 --> 00:03:01,333
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
81
00:03:01,333 --> 00:03:02,792
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
82
00:03:02,792 --> 00:03:04,500
LET ME TELL YOU,
THE SINGLE LIFE
83
00:03:04,500 --> 00:03:07,834
IS STRESSING ME OUT.
IT'S STRESSFUL.
84
00:03:07,834 --> 00:03:08,792
I GOT TO START
PICKING THEM BETTER.
85
00:03:08,792 --> 00:03:12,417
I GOT TO QUIT MISTAKING CRAZY
FOR INTERESTING.
86
00:03:12,417 --> 00:03:13,375
[ LAUGHTER ]
87
00:03:13,375 --> 00:03:14,917
RIGHT?
IN THE BEGINNING, YOU'RE LIKE,
88
00:03:14,917 --> 00:03:18,250
"OH, SHE IS SO SPONTANEOUS
AND FULL OF LIFE!
89
00:03:18,250 --> 00:03:19,667
WHAT A PERSONALITY!"
90
00:03:19,667 --> 00:03:22,709
SIX MONTHS IN --
"FUCK, YOU'RE BIPOLAR!"
91
00:03:22,709 --> 00:03:24,250
[ LAUGHTER ]
92
00:03:24,250 --> 00:03:27,250
THIS IS REAL!
93
00:03:27,625 --> 00:03:30,625
"I CAN'T HELP YOU."
"YOU DON'T LIKE ME!"
94
00:03:30,625 --> 00:03:32,083
"I LIKE ALL THE DIFFERENT YOUs.
95
00:03:32,083 --> 00:03:34,458
BRING BACK SUNDAY."
96
00:03:36,500 --> 00:03:38,709
THE LAST GIRL HAD A YORKIE.
97
00:03:38,709 --> 00:03:40,166
NOTHING CUTE ABOUT THAT.
98
00:03:40,166 --> 00:03:42,291
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE BEING 6'2",
99
00:03:42,291 --> 00:03:44,583
WALKING A 4-POUND DOG?
100
00:03:44,583 --> 00:03:46,834
YEAH, IT'S LIKE BEING LAST ONE
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD TO KNOW
101
00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:49,959
YOU'RE GAY.
THERE'S NO COOL WAY TO WALK
102
00:03:49,959 --> 00:03:52,083
A YORKIE.
NO, THAT'S JUST TWO BITCHES
103
00:03:52,083 --> 00:03:55,375
WALKING DOWN
THE STREET TOGETHER.
104
00:03:56,500 --> 00:03:58,917
"COME ON, BITCH."
"YOU'RE A BITCH!"
105
00:03:58,917 --> 00:04:00,375
"NAH."
106
00:04:01,709 --> 00:04:03,041
THERE'S NOTHING COOL ABOUT IT.
107
00:04:03,041 --> 00:04:06,500
BUT I'M BACK IN THE GAME,
RELEARNING THE GAME.
108
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:10,834
TWO KINDS OF GIRLS --
OVER 25, UNDER 25.
109
00:04:10,834 --> 00:04:12,667
OH, YEAH.
DISTINCT DIFFERENCE.
110
00:04:12,667 --> 00:04:15,291
UNDER 25, OH, THEY'LL STAY
FOR THE WEEKEND.
111
00:04:15,291 --> 00:04:17,917
THEY ACT LIKE THEIR PARENTS
DROPPED THEM OFF FOR
112
00:04:17,917 --> 00:04:19,667
A SLUMBER PARTY.
113
00:04:19,667 --> 00:04:22,291
IT'S NOON.
SHE'S LIKE, "WHAT'S FOR LUNCH?"
114
00:04:22,291 --> 00:04:24,041
"A TAXI SANDWICH.
115
00:04:24,041 --> 00:04:26,667
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
OVER 25, NAH.
116
00:04:26,667 --> 00:04:28,542
YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT ASKING
AN OLDER GIRL TO LEAVE,
117
00:04:28,542 --> 00:04:32,583
SHE'S ALREADY GONE
WITH THE MUFFIN SHE TOASTED.
118
00:04:32,583 --> 00:04:34,041
[ LAUGHTER ]
119
00:04:34,041 --> 00:04:36,166
WHOO!
120
00:04:39,709 --> 00:04:41,250
WE'RE IN A FINANCIAL CRISIS.
121
00:04:41,250 --> 00:04:44,625
FELLAS, WE CAN'T SPEND MONEY
LIKE WE USED TO.
122
00:04:44,625 --> 00:04:46,000
NOPE.
GUESS WHAT.
123
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:48,250
PERSONALITY'S MAKING A COMEBACK.
124
00:04:48,250 --> 00:04:51,041
[ LAUGHTER ]
125
00:04:51,041 --> 00:04:53,250
HELL YEAH, BRO.
126
00:04:54,500 --> 00:04:57,291
I GOT EIGHT JOKES
AND A HONDA ACCORD.
127
00:04:57,291 --> 00:04:59,291
I'M FUCKING EVERYONE.
128
00:04:59,291 --> 00:05:03,291
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
129
00:05:04,750 --> 00:05:09,709
I AM GETTING C.E.O. PUSSY
WITH $11 IN THE BANK.
130
00:05:09,709 --> 00:05:10,875
THIS IS AMAZING.
131
00:05:10,875 --> 00:05:11,959
I AM FUN TO GO OUT WITH!
132
00:05:11,959 --> 00:05:17,041
WE HAD SO MUCH FUN,
SHE FORGOT WE DIDN'T EAT!
133
00:05:18,500 --> 00:05:20,959
I'M DONE GOING
TO THE STRIP CLUB.
134
00:05:20,959 --> 00:05:21,875
IT'S OVER.
135
00:05:21,875 --> 00:05:23,792
'CAUSE EVERY GUY DOES
THE SAME SHIT, RIGHT?
136
00:05:23,792 --> 00:05:27,333
"I'M NOT SPENDING
MORE THAN $80."
137
00:05:30,375 --> 00:05:35,125
SIX TRIPS TO THE ATM LATER,
YOU ROBBED A FRIEND.
138
00:05:36,166 --> 00:05:37,834
AND EVERY GUY TALKS
TO THE DANCER.
139
00:05:37,834 --> 00:05:40,333
YOU THINK IT'S YOUR PERSONALITY
THAT'S KEEPING HER.
140
00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:42,000
YOU LOOK AT YOUR BOY.
YOU'RE LIKE,
141
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:44,667
"DUDE, I THINK SHE LIKES ME!"
142
00:05:44,667 --> 00:05:47,208
YEAH, AND EVERY DANCER'S PUTTING
HERSELF THROUGH COLLEGE.
143
00:05:47,208 --> 00:05:51,500
I DIDN'T REALIZE THERE'S A WAVE
OF GENIUS STRIPPERS OUT THERE.
144
00:05:51,500 --> 00:05:55,667
IN 10 YEARS, YOU'RE GONNA
BE AT THE NEUROSURGEON LIKE,
145
00:05:55,667 --> 00:05:58,000
"PUSSYCAT JOHNSON?
146
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:01,583
CONGRATULATIONS!
147
00:06:03,417 --> 00:06:06,125
YOU REALLY HANDLED THIS!
148
00:06:06,583 --> 00:06:11,000
YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME? I FUCKING
PUT YOU THROUGH SCHOOL!
149
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:13,333
YOU BETTER REMEMBER ME."
150
00:06:13,333 --> 00:06:14,417
BUT YOU GET OLDER NOW.
151
00:06:14,417 --> 00:06:16,750
YOU START PULLING MUSCLES
DOING NOTHING.
152
00:06:16,750 --> 00:06:17,875
ISN'T THAT BULLSHIT?
153
00:06:17,875 --> 00:06:20,667
YOU'RE A KID, YOU PLAY
STREET FOOTBALL FOR EIGHT HOURS,
154
00:06:20,667 --> 00:06:23,208
BOUNCE OFF A CAR FENDER,
YOU'RE FINE.
155
00:06:23,208 --> 00:06:27,583
YESTERDAY I PULLED A NECK MUSCLE
ORDERING FOOD AND LOOKING LEFT.
156
00:06:27,583 --> 00:06:30,291
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
157
00:06:34,625 --> 00:06:36,750
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?
158
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,542
I'M LIKE,
"YEAH, LET ME GET A --
159
00:06:39,542 --> 00:06:42,542
OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE CANCER!
160
00:06:42,542 --> 00:06:44,458
THAT'S SOME REAL SHIT!
161
00:06:44,458 --> 00:06:47,750
OH, NOW IT'S IN MY SHOULDER!
WHAT IS THAT?"
162
00:06:47,750 --> 00:06:49,166
MY BUDDY'S LIKE,
"WHAT DID YOU DO?"
163
00:06:49,166 --> 00:06:52,500
I'M LIKE, "FUCK, I TALKED
AND TURNED!"
164
00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,959
HE KNEW.
HE GOES, "DON'T DO THAT, BRO.
165
00:06:54,959 --> 00:06:57,083
YOU GOT TO PAUSE!
166
00:06:57,542 --> 00:06:59,333
YOU'RE NO FUCKING SUPERHERO!
167
00:06:59,333 --> 00:07:01,291
ARE YOU CRAZY?"
168
00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:04,875
I GOT TO GET NEW FRIENDS.
169
00:07:04,875 --> 00:07:07,000
YOU EVER LOOK AT YOUR FRIENDS
AND GO, "WOW.
170
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:09,250
WHY ARE WE STILL HANGING OUT?"
171
00:07:09,250 --> 00:07:11,875
I GOT FRIENDS I DON'T EVEN
LIKE AS REGULAR PEOPLE.
172
00:07:11,875 --> 00:07:14,834
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M FROM DETROIT.
173
00:07:14,834 --> 00:07:16,750
I STILL HAVE THAT
ONE CRIMINAL FRIEND.
174
00:07:16,750 --> 00:07:18,333
YOU ALWAYS KNOW WHO YOUR
CRIMINAL FRIEND IS 'CAUSE
175
00:07:18,333 --> 00:07:20,083
HE'S THAT DUDE THAT,
WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG,
176
00:07:20,083 --> 00:07:22,375
HE TOOK A REGULAR PRANK
WAY TOO FAR.
177
00:07:22,375 --> 00:07:25,500
YOU'RE LIKE, "YO, BRO. LET'S
THROW EGGS AT THE JACOBS'."
178
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:29,041
"HELL YEAH!
THEN WE'LL KIDNAP HER FAT DAD!"
179
00:07:29,041 --> 00:07:31,834
[ LAUGHTER ]
180
00:07:34,959 --> 00:07:37,792
"LET'S FUCKING HANDLE THIS!
181
00:07:37,792 --> 00:07:40,667
I'M 11! I LIVE ALONE!
182
00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:42,625
I'M NOT AFRAID OF ANYTHING!"
183
00:07:42,625 --> 00:07:43,750
AND GIRLS LOVE THEM.
184
00:07:43,750 --> 00:07:45,375
GIRLS LOVE BAD BOYS.
RIGHT?
185
00:07:45,375 --> 00:07:48,208
THEY'RE LIKE,
"OH, HE'S SO MYSTERIOUS."
186
00:07:48,208 --> 00:07:51,875
YOU'RE LIKE, "NO SHIT.
HE'S SLOW.
187
00:07:52,667 --> 00:07:56,166
HE'S A FUCKING MYSTERY
TO HIMSELF."
188
00:07:56,625 --> 00:08:00,375
"WHAT'S ON HIS MIND?"
"FUCKING DUST."
189
00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:04,375
HE'S STILL SELLING WEED AT 37.
190
00:08:04,375 --> 00:08:06,166
YOU CAN'T EVEN SMOKE
THE NEW WEED.
191
00:08:06,166 --> 00:08:08,750
OH, NOW THEY GOT
THE NEW POWERFUL SHIT.
192
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:12,500
OH, YOU GET HIGH NOW,
YOU THINK YOU'RE SMARTER.
193
00:08:12,500 --> 00:08:13,875
NO, DUDE.
I GET HIGH NOW,
194
00:08:13,875 --> 00:08:16,500
I START DOING
MATH FOR NO REASON.
195
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:20,792
IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING. I'M
FOILING DOING ALGEBRA AT HOME.
196
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:25,041
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE OLD
$25 A BAG DUM-DUM WEED?
197
00:08:25,041 --> 00:08:27,792
REMEMBER THAT SHIT?
JUST GET HIGH, GO TO TACO BELL,
198
00:08:27,792 --> 00:08:29,959
AND SPEND $12 FOR YOURSELF.
199
00:08:29,959 --> 00:08:32,000
YOU'D COME BACK FROM
TACO BELL --
200
00:08:32,000 --> 00:08:36,083
YOU'D COME BACK FROM TACO BELL
WITH A GROCERY BAG FULL OF SHIT.
201
00:08:36,083 --> 00:08:37,750
YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH!
202
00:08:37,750 --> 00:08:41,417
IT'S THE GREATEST DAY I'VE EVER
HAD IN MY LIFE!
203
00:08:42,208 --> 00:08:44,917
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
204
00:08:44,917 --> 00:08:46,500
I DON'T KNOW.
205
00:08:46,500 --> 00:08:49,834
I HAVEN'T BEEN.
206
00:08:49,834 --> 00:08:51,750
I AM SO HAPPY!"
207
00:08:51,750 --> 00:08:53,250
WHAT DO THEY PUT IN TACO BELL?
208
00:08:53,250 --> 00:08:54,542
YOU EVER GO TO TACO BELL AND GO,
209
00:08:54,542 --> 00:08:57,792
"HONESTLY, THIS IS THE BEST
RESTAURANT I'VE EVER BEEN TO.
210
00:08:57,792 --> 00:08:59,750
I DON'T KNOW IF I'M EATING
A BURRITO SUPREME
211
00:08:59,750 --> 00:09:01,959
OR PUSSY IN HAWAII!
212
00:09:01,959 --> 00:09:03,041
SHIT IS AMAZING!"?
213
00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:05,041
HEY, MY NAME'S MIKE YOUNG.
ENJOY THE REST
214
00:09:05,041 --> 00:09:06,834
OF YOUR EVENING OF COMEDY.
215
00:09:06,834 --> 00:09:09,250
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
216
00:09:15,959 --> 00:09:17,542
OH, THANK YOU!
217
00:09:17,542 --> 00:09:18,500
[ LAUGHS ]
218
00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:20,750
[ MAN IN CROWD ]
WE LOVE YOU, SHANNON!
219
00:09:20,750 --> 00:09:23,500
OH, I LOVE YOU, TOO!
220
00:09:24,291 --> 00:09:25,917
YOU KNOW,
MIKE WAS JUST TALKING
221
00:09:25,917 --> 00:09:28,083
ABOUT GIRLS BEING CRAZY
AND BIPOLAR.
222
00:09:28,083 --> 00:09:30,542
THE THING IS, IN L.A.,
WHEN A GIRL IS BIPOLAR,
223
00:09:30,542 --> 00:09:33,875
IT JUST MEANS THAT SHE
WORKS AT TWO STRIP CLUBS.
224
00:09:33,875 --> 00:09:36,375
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
225
00:09:37,709 --> 00:09:41,333
THIS NEXT GIRL IS GONNA MAKE
YOU GUYS WISH YOU DID YOGA.
226
00:09:41,333 --> 00:09:45,500
PLEASE GIVE A WARM WELCOME
TO ALLISON KYLER.
227
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:48,041
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
228
00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:00,792
[ COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS ]
229
00:10:08,250 --> 00:10:10,542
COME ON
230
00:10:20,417 --> 00:10:25,041
HEADING INTO TOWN ON 109
231
00:10:25,041 --> 00:10:29,583
TRAVELING LIGHT, JUNIOR,
GOT TO MAKE SOME TIME
232
00:10:30,375 --> 00:10:35,208
AIN'T GOT NO PLANS
AND NO PLACE TO BE
233
00:10:35,792 --> 00:10:40,500
JUST GOOD OLD BOYS
LETTING OFF STEAM
234
00:10:41,583 --> 00:10:47,041
TEARING UP THE RED DIRT,
ARLINGTON TO FORT WORTH
235
00:10:47,041 --> 00:10:54,458
KARAOKE ROCK STAR,
DANCING IN THE STOCKYARD
236
00:10:54,458 --> 00:10:55,500
JAILS NOW
237
00:10:55,500 --> 00:10:58,417
COWBOY UP,
GIRLS, GET DOWN
238
00:10:58,417 --> 00:11:00,750
FLATFOOT MAMA,
ROCK THIS TOWN
239
00:11:00,750 --> 00:11:05,792
COME ON, REDNECK NATION,
MAKE SOME NOISE
240
00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:09,041
TAKE IT TO THE FARM
AND TAKE IT TO THE RANCH
241
00:11:09,041 --> 00:11:11,750
OMAHA, NEBRASKA,
TO PARIS, FRANCE
242
00:11:11,750 --> 00:11:17,083
SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF
OF THE BARN
243
00:11:17,083 --> 00:11:21,709
HEY, Y'ALL,
GET YOUR HILLBILLY GROOVE ON
244
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,792
COWBOY UP,
GIRLS, GET DOWN
245
00:11:33,792 --> 00:11:36,375
FLATFOOT MAMA,
ROCK THIS TOWN
246
00:11:36,375 --> 00:11:41,500
COME ON, REDNECK NATION,
MAKE SOME NOISE
247
00:11:41,500 --> 00:11:44,667
TAKE IT TO THE FARM
AND TAKE IT TO THE RANCH
248
00:11:44,667 --> 00:11:47,291
OMAHA, NEBRASKA,
TO PARIS, FRANCE
249
00:11:47,291 --> 00:11:52,417
SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF
OF THE BARN
250
00:11:52,417 --> 00:11:53,500
HEY, Y'ALL
251
00:11:53,500 --> 00:11:55,500
COWBOY UP,
GIRLS, GET DOWN
252
00:11:55,500 --> 00:11:58,083
FLATFOOT MAMA,
GONNA ROCK THIS TOWN
253
00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:03,291
COME ON, REDNECK NATION,
MAKE THAT NOISE
254
00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:06,208
TAKE IT TO THE FARM,
AND TAKE IT TO THE RANCH
255
00:12:06,208 --> 00:12:09,166
OMAHA, NEBRASKA,
TO PARIS, FRANCE
256
00:12:09,166 --> 00:12:14,375
SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOF
OF THE BARN
257
00:12:14,375 --> 00:12:19,834
HEY, Y'ALL,
GET YOUR HILLBILLY GROOVE ON
258
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:30,875
[ SONG ENDS ]
259
00:12:30,875 --> 00:12:32,000
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
260
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:34,625
THE WILDEST NIGHT I'VE EVER
HAD DANCING PROBABLY
261
00:12:34,625 --> 00:12:35,959
HAS TO BE IN THE BAHAMAS.
262
00:12:35,959 --> 00:12:37,542
AND WE JUST GOT THERE,
AND IT WAS SUCH
263
00:12:37,542 --> 00:12:39,500
A LONG FLIGHT THAT WE
ALL JUST GOT TOTALLY TRASHED,
264
00:12:39,500 --> 00:12:41,375
WENT IN THE OCEAN.
WE WERE SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN
265
00:12:41,375 --> 00:12:43,709
AT LIKE 4:00 IN THE MORNING,
COMPLETELY HAMMERED.
266
00:12:43,709 --> 00:12:45,417
AND WE HAD
TO DO A SHOW THE NEXT MORNING.
267
00:12:45,417 --> 00:12:47,166
BUT, YEAH, IT'S A GOOD TIME.
268
00:12:47,166 --> 00:12:49,625
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
269
00:12:54,083 --> 00:12:56,625
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
270
00:12:56,625 --> 00:12:58,750
ALL RIGHT.
THIS NEXT COMEDIAN IS WHAT YOU
271
00:12:58,750 --> 00:13:00,291
WOULD CALL A PHYSICAL COMEDIAN,
272
00:13:00,291 --> 00:13:02,917
AND WHAT I MEAN
BY PHYSICAL IS THAT
273
00:13:02,917 --> 00:13:04,417
HE TRIED TO GROPE ME BACKSTAGE.
274
00:13:04,417 --> 00:13:08,208
PLEASE GIVE IT UP FOR
CHRIS D'ELIA.
275
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:09,959
[ HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS ]
276
00:13:09,959 --> 00:13:12,250
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
277
00:13:13,667 --> 00:13:16,709
HOW WE DOING -- GOOD?
YEAH!
278
00:13:16,709 --> 00:13:19,250
GOOD. NICE.
279
00:13:19,458 --> 00:13:20,583
I FEEL KIND OF INSECURE.
280
00:13:20,583 --> 00:13:25,208
I GOT THIS TIE ON,
AND EVERYBODY
281
00:13:25,208 --> 00:13:28,041
BACKSTAGE IS LIKE,
"YOU'RE WEARING A TIE, HUH?
282
00:13:28,041 --> 00:13:29,875
FUCKING..."
283
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:31,792
[ LAUGHTER ]
284
00:13:31,792 --> 00:13:33,875
"...QUEER."
285
00:13:34,333 --> 00:13:36,625
EVERYBODY ALWAYS MAKES FUN
OF WHAT I WEAR.
286
00:13:36,625 --> 00:13:38,250
I THINK IT'S 'CAUSE I'M WHITE.
287
00:13:38,250 --> 00:13:40,750
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
288
00:13:42,750 --> 00:13:44,333
THAT'S WHY I WISH I WAS BLACK.
289
00:13:44,333 --> 00:13:45,625
BLACK PEOPLE CAN WEAR ANYTHING,
290
00:13:45,625 --> 00:13:48,166
AND NOBODY SAYS SHIT ABOUT IT,
RIGHT?
291
00:13:48,166 --> 00:13:51,208
IT'S THE TRUTH, RIGHT?
LIKE, IF I WAS WALKING DOWN
292
00:13:51,208 --> 00:13:52,875
THE STREET,
I SAW A BLACK DUDE IN
293
00:13:52,875 --> 00:13:56,375
FULL CAMOUFLAGE GEAR SUCKING ON
A PACIFIER WITH, LIKE,
294
00:13:56,375 --> 00:13:59,208
FAKE WINGS ON HIS BACK...
295
00:14:04,417 --> 00:14:09,667
...LIKE, I WOULD NOT THINK,
"WHAT A FUCKING DEGENERATE."
296
00:14:09,667 --> 00:14:11,208
I WOULDN'T.
I WOULD JUST THINK,
297
00:14:11,208 --> 00:14:13,625
"OH, APPARENTLY HE KNOWS SOME
SHIT I DON'T KNOW. FUNKY."
298
00:14:13,625 --> 00:14:16,542
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
299
00:14:24,333 --> 00:14:26,834
BLACK PEOPLE, THEY'RE THE ONLY
RACE THAT CAN WEAR CARTOONS ON
300
00:14:26,834 --> 00:14:29,166
THEIR SHIRT, AND THAT'S
CONSIDERED, LIKE, HARD-CORE
301
00:14:29,166 --> 00:14:31,458
GANGSTER SHIT, RIGHT?
IT'S TRUE, RIGHT?
302
00:14:31,458 --> 00:14:33,625
LIKE, A BLACK DUDE WILL ROLL UP
ON YOU BEING LIKE,
303
00:14:33,625 --> 00:14:37,917
"OH, WAIT, MOTHERFUCKER.
WHAT UP, PLAYER?
304
00:14:37,917 --> 00:14:41,500
HOLLER AT YOUR BOY,
MOTHERFUCKER.
305
00:14:42,166 --> 00:14:45,542
OH, WAIT, MOTHERFUCKER.
306
00:14:46,542 --> 00:14:50,083
Y'ALL BETTER RECOGNIZE
THAT'S DORA THE EXPLORER,
307
00:14:50,083 --> 00:14:51,250
MOTHERFUCKER."
308
00:14:51,250 --> 00:14:53,583
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
309
00:14:55,917 --> 00:15:00,917
"B-B-B-BLUES CLUES,
MOTHERFUCKER!"
310
00:15:01,875 --> 00:15:04,750
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
311
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:12,000
IT STILL SCARES
THE SHIT OUT OF ME, THOUGH.
312
00:15:12,000 --> 00:15:13,542
I'M A PUSSY, MAN.
I CANNOT HANG.
313
00:15:13,542 --> 00:15:16,250
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M SCARED OF EVERYBODY, MAN.
314
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:19,792
YOU KNOW WHO THE SCARIEST PEOPLE
ON THE PLANET ARE?
315
00:15:19,792 --> 00:15:21,125
GERMANS.
316
00:15:21,125 --> 00:15:22,667
[ LAUGHTER ]
317
00:15:22,667 --> 00:15:24,750
ARE THERE ANY GERMANS IN HERE?
318
00:15:24,750 --> 00:15:27,417
ALL RIGHT, COOL. LET'S TALK
ABOUT THEM FOR A LITTLE BIT.
319
00:15:27,417 --> 00:15:29,667
JUST FOR A LITTLE BIT.
320
00:15:31,166 --> 00:15:33,458
I FEEL LIKE EVEN THE MOST
HARD-CORE GANGSTER COULD ROLL UP
321
00:15:33,458 --> 00:15:35,917
TO A GERMAN AND END UP SHITTING
HIS PANTS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
322
00:15:35,917 --> 00:15:39,333
I FEEL LIKE IF A GANGSTER ROLLED
UP TO A GERMAN, JUST BE LIKE,
323
00:15:39,333 --> 00:15:41,417
"HEY, MOTHERFUCKER.
324
00:15:41,417 --> 00:15:44,291
WHAT UP, MOTHERFUCKER?
325
00:15:44,291 --> 00:15:45,500
WHAT UP NOW, PLAYER?
326
00:15:45,500 --> 00:15:47,458
GIVE ME ALL YOUR GODDAMN MONEY.
HUH?"
327
00:15:47,458 --> 00:15:51,000
THE GERMAN WILL JUST
STAND THERE AND SAY...
328
00:15:51,000 --> 00:15:52,875
[ German accent ] "NO."
329
00:15:52,875 --> 00:15:55,250
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
330
00:16:14,041 --> 00:16:15,333
"NO, MOTHERFUCKER.
331
00:16:15,333 --> 00:16:17,291
OF COURSE NOT."
332
00:16:23,375 --> 00:16:26,083
[ Normal voice ] THE GANGSTER
WON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO,
333
00:16:26,083 --> 00:16:29,417
RIGHT? HE'LL BE LIKE,
"OH, SHIT. UH...
334
00:16:29,417 --> 00:16:32,917
THAT AIN'T HOW THAT
USUALLY GO DOWN.
335
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:35,333
DON'T Y'ALL SEE
I HAVE A PISTOL?"
336
00:16:35,333 --> 00:16:37,208
THE GERMAN WILL BE LIKE,
"IT IS OKAY.
337
00:16:37,208 --> 00:16:41,000
I HAVE ALREADY POISONED YOU,
MY FRIEND."
338
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:44,417
[ COUGHS ]
"OH, WAIT, MOTHER--"
339
00:16:45,750 --> 00:16:48,709
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
340
00:16:56,625 --> 00:16:58,208
WHY ARE THEY SO SCARY?
THEY ARE.
341
00:16:58,208 --> 00:17:00,959
THEY ARESOSCARY, GERMANS.
IT'S JUST...
342
00:17:00,959 --> 00:17:02,542
[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]
343
00:17:02,542 --> 00:17:04,959
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S JUST THE WAY THEY TALK.
344
00:17:04,959 --> 00:17:07,750
JUST...
[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]
345
00:17:08,417 --> 00:17:10,458
THEY WALK CREEPY, EVEN.
JUST...
346
00:17:10,458 --> 00:17:13,250
[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]
347
00:17:19,250 --> 00:17:21,834
ALWAYS WALKING WITH THEIR HANDS
BEHIND THEIR BACK, RIGHT?
348
00:17:21,834 --> 00:17:26,709
'CAUSE THEY'RE HOLDING SHIT,
LIKE KNIVES AND FUCKING SYRINGES
349
00:17:26,709 --> 00:17:28,333
WITH POISON IN THEM, RIGHT?
350
00:17:28,333 --> 00:17:31,250
[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]
351
00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:33,917
"GO TO SLEEP, MY FRIEND.
352
00:17:34,667 --> 00:17:37,417
GO TO FUCKING SLEEP.
353
00:17:37,875 --> 00:17:41,709
GO TO FUCKING SLEEP, MY FRIEND.
354
00:17:41,709 --> 00:17:45,000
I WILL FUCK YOU IN YOUR SLEEP!"
355
00:17:45,625 --> 00:17:48,458
[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]
356
00:17:49,583 --> 00:17:54,291
"GO TO FUCKING -- FUCK YOU!
357
00:17:54,291 --> 00:17:56,500
FUCK YOU IN YOUR SLEEP."
358
00:17:56,500 --> 00:17:59,041
[ LAUGHTER ]
359
00:18:02,250 --> 00:18:03,792
[ SMOOCHES ]
360
00:18:03,792 --> 00:18:05,291
RIGHT!
YOU KNOW THEY KISS YOU!
361
00:18:05,291 --> 00:18:06,875
YOU KNOW THEY FUCKING KISS YOU,
RIGHT?
362
00:18:06,875 --> 00:18:08,959
BECAUSE THEY'RE THE CREEPIEST
FUCKERS EVER,
363
00:18:08,959 --> 00:18:11,250
AND THEY KNOW THE WORST
THING TO THINK OF RIGHT
364
00:18:11,250 --> 00:18:12,959
BEFORE YOU DIE IS NOT,
"OH, MY GOSH!
365
00:18:12,959 --> 00:18:15,625
MY WIFE AND KIDS! WHAT ARE THEY
GONNA DO WITHOUT ME?"
366
00:18:15,625 --> 00:18:19,834
IT'S NOT THAT.
IT'S, "THIS IS KIND OF GAY."
367
00:18:21,083 --> 00:18:23,375
[ GRUNTS ]
368
00:18:25,583 --> 00:18:29,083
YOU CANNOT TRUST SOMEBODY WHO
SOUNDS LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
369
00:18:29,083 --> 00:18:30,834
YOU CAN'T!
I CAN PROVE IT TO YOU, OKAY?
370
00:18:30,834 --> 00:18:34,959
IF IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND A
GERMAN CAME UP TO YOU AND SAID,
371
00:18:34,959 --> 00:18:36,542
"HELLO.
372
00:18:37,959 --> 00:18:41,083
I HAVE MADE YOU
A BIRTHDAY CAKE."
373
00:18:41,667 --> 00:18:45,125
WOULD YOU FUCKING EAT IT?
NEIN!
374
00:18:45,125 --> 00:18:47,250
YOU WOULD NOT EAT IT!
375
00:18:47,250 --> 00:18:50,458
YOU'D BE LIKE, "DID YOU, UH,
POISON THAT, OR..."
376
00:18:50,458 --> 00:18:53,375
HE'D BE LIKE,
"YES, I POISONED THAT SHIT.
377
00:18:53,375 --> 00:18:54,417
I'M SORRY."
378
00:18:54,417 --> 00:18:56,583
THEY TELL YOU, RIGHT?
THEY TELL YOU 'CAUSE THEY DON'T
379
00:18:56,583 --> 00:18:57,875
GIVE A SHIT.
THEY'RE CREEPY.
380
00:18:57,875 --> 00:19:00,166
THEY'LL JUST BE LIKE,
"UH, YES, LISTEN.
381
00:19:00,166 --> 00:19:02,166
UM...
382
00:19:02,166 --> 00:19:04,875
I HAVE TRIED TO KILL YOU.
383
00:19:06,166 --> 00:19:08,542
I HAVE FAILED.
384
00:19:08,542 --> 00:19:11,083
BUT I WILL SUCCEED TOMORROW,
MY FRIEND."
385
00:19:11,083 --> 00:19:14,291
[ IMITATES SPEAKING GERMAN ]
386
00:19:19,375 --> 00:19:22,583
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
387
00:19:33,792 --> 00:19:35,834
I TOLD YOU, I'M A PUSSY.
388
00:19:35,834 --> 00:19:37,166
I'M SCARED OF EVERYTHING, MAN.
389
00:19:37,166 --> 00:19:40,041
YOU KNOW WHAT THE SCARIEST THING
I EVER DID IN MY LIFE WAS?
390
00:19:40,041 --> 00:19:41,709
I WENT HUNTING.
391
00:19:41,709 --> 00:19:44,333
HERE'S MY ADVICE.
UH...
392
00:19:44,333 --> 00:19:45,750
DON'T GO.
393
00:19:45,750 --> 00:19:48,125
DON'T GO.
IT'S NOT, IT'S UH...
394
00:19:48,125 --> 00:19:48,917
BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING.
395
00:19:48,917 --> 00:19:51,083
I'VE SEEN DUDES IN MOVIES GET
SHOT, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
396
00:19:51,083 --> 00:19:53,583
AND IT'S ALL CINEMATIC,
AND IT'S KIND OF BEAUTIFUL,
397
00:19:53,583 --> 00:19:55,375
LIKE HE FLIES
BACK IN SLOW MOTION.
398
00:19:55,375 --> 00:19:57,250
IT'S JUST, "KKCH!"
[ GRUNTS ]
399
00:19:57,250 --> 00:19:58,750
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "GOOD.
FUCK HIM.
400
00:19:58,750 --> 00:20:00,417
HE WAS THE BAD GUY, ANYWAY."
401
00:20:00,417 --> 00:20:03,667
THE DEER DIDN'T DO SHIT,
THOUGH, RIGHT?
402
00:20:03,667 --> 00:20:06,125
LIKE, IT IS NOT LIKE
IN THE MOVIES.
403
00:20:06,125 --> 00:20:07,709
THERE'S NO FLYING BACK
OR ANYTHING.
404
00:20:07,709 --> 00:20:09,250
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS?
THE DEER JUST DROPS.
405
00:20:09,250 --> 00:20:10,792
IT'S HORRIFIC.
IT'S SO UNEVENTFUL.
406
00:20:10,792 --> 00:20:11,917
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED, OKAY?
407
00:20:11,917 --> 00:20:14,542
THE DEER WAS CHILLING OUT...
408
00:20:14,542 --> 00:20:17,500
JUST EATING A BERRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
409
00:20:17,500 --> 00:20:19,500
JUST EATING IT, RIGHT?
410
00:20:19,500 --> 00:20:22,333
JUST CHILLING OUT LIKE A DEER.
411
00:20:22,333 --> 00:20:24,166
IT WAS A DEER!
412
00:20:25,500 --> 00:20:27,500
THIS IS A GOOD DEER IMPRESSION,
BY THE WAY.
413
00:20:27,500 --> 00:20:29,834
FOR A HUMAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
414
00:20:29,834 --> 00:20:31,083
JUST...
415
00:20:31,083 --> 00:20:34,166
THERE'S OTHER DEER THAT COULD
PROBABLY DO IT BETTER THAN ME,
416
00:20:34,166 --> 00:20:36,583
BUT THIS SHIT IS...
417
00:20:39,333 --> 00:20:41,750
JUST EATING A BERRY.
REMEMBER THE BERRY, RIGHT?
418
00:20:41,750 --> 00:20:43,750
IT GOT SHOT.
THIS IS THE NOISE THAT CAME OUT
419
00:20:43,750 --> 00:20:46,709
OF ITS MOUTH, NO BULLSHIT.
IT GOES LIKE THIS...
420
00:20:46,709 --> 00:20:48,625
[ IMITATES GUNSHOT ]
421
00:20:48,625 --> 00:20:51,792
"OH!"
422
00:20:55,500 --> 00:20:58,291
THAT'S WHAT IT DID!
423
00:20:58,291 --> 00:21:00,083
IT LOOKED AT US, AND IT WENT,
424
00:21:00,083 --> 00:21:02,166
"OH!"
425
00:21:04,041 --> 00:21:07,417
LIKE "O-H,"
THAT'S HOW YOU SPELL THAT.
426
00:21:07,417 --> 00:21:08,417
THAT'S A WORD.
427
00:21:08,417 --> 00:21:10,250
YOU CAN LOOK THAT SHIT UP,
RIGHT?
428
00:21:10,250 --> 00:21:13,333
I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE LIKE,
"OH!
429
00:21:13,333 --> 00:21:16,500
WHY DID YOU GUYS SHOOT ME?"
430
00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:20,500
SO, MY BUDDY, HE SHOT THE DEER,
AND HE WAS FREAKED OUT.
431
00:21:20,500 --> 00:21:22,917
HE WAS LIKE, "OH, SHIT, UH...
OKAY, COME ON.
432
00:21:22,917 --> 00:21:25,458
LET'S GO. LET'S GO."
WE RUN TOWARDS THE DEER.
433
00:21:25,458 --> 00:21:27,750
MY BUDDY GETS TO THE DEER,
AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS TO ME.
434
00:21:27,750 --> 00:21:30,458
HE JUST SHOT THIS DEER AND
HE LOOKS AT ME ALL WILD-EYED,
435
00:21:30,458 --> 00:21:33,667
AND HE SAYS, "YOUR TURN."
436
00:21:33,667 --> 00:21:35,500
YEAH, BUT IT SAID IT CREEPY
LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
437
00:21:35,500 --> 00:21:39,417
I WAS LIKE, "WHAT?
DO YOU WANT ME TO FUCK IT?"
438
00:21:42,041 --> 00:21:45,834
LIKE, I'M PRETTY SURE THE ONLY
REASON TO EVER SAY, "YOUR TURN,"
439
00:21:45,834 --> 00:21:48,917
LIKE THAT, IS IF YOUR
GROUP-RAPING SOMEBODY.
440
00:21:48,917 --> 00:21:50,041
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
441
00:21:50,041 --> 00:21:52,375
FUCK YOU!
I NEVER GROUP-RAPED ANYBODY!
442
00:21:52,375 --> 00:21:54,542
I'M JUST SAYING...
443
00:21:55,458 --> 00:21:59,250
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
444
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:07,208
LIKE, IF I WAS GOING TO,
I WOULD FINISH UP,
445
00:22:07,208 --> 00:22:09,625
AND THEN I'D LOOK AT
THE NEXT DUDE, AND I'D SAY,
446
00:22:09,625 --> 00:22:11,000
"YOUR TURN!"
447
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:14,417
LIKE, I WOULD NEVER BE AT THE
ATM AND JUST, "OOT, OOT, OOT,"
448
00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:16,917
GET MY MONEY, AND THEN
TURN AROUND AND SAY,
449
00:22:16,917 --> 00:22:18,000
"YOUR TURN!"
450
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,041
DUDE WOULD BE LIKE, "FUCK THAT.
I'M GOING TO CITIBANK.
451
00:22:21,041 --> 00:22:22,583
SEE YOU."
452
00:22:22,583 --> 00:22:24,917
[ LAUGHTER ]
453
00:22:29,750 --> 00:22:30,291
SO, I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?"
454
00:22:30,291 --> 00:22:33,375
HE WAS LIKE, "YO, MAN, YOU GOT
TO PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY,
455
00:22:33,375 --> 00:22:34,834
BRO.
THAT'S WHAT'S UP."
456
00:22:34,834 --> 00:22:36,875
I WAS LIKE, "UH, FUCK YOU.
457
00:22:36,875 --> 00:22:39,834
THAT'S WHAT'S UP.
LIKE, YOU'RE THE ONE WHO PUT IT
458
00:22:39,834 --> 00:22:41,542
IN ITS MISERY.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
459
00:22:41,542 --> 00:22:45,458
LIKE, I'M PRETTY SURE IT WASN'T
MISERABLE UNTIL YOU CAME ALONG
460
00:22:45,458 --> 00:22:48,583
AND SHOT IT IN THE FUCKING NECK.
461
00:22:48,583 --> 00:22:49,709
IT WAS EATING A BERRY!"
462
00:22:49,709 --> 00:22:52,417
LIKE, I LIKE BERRIES, RIGHT?
THEY'RE DELICIOUS!
463
00:22:52,417 --> 00:22:53,583
THAT WAS THE DEER'S LUNCH!
464
00:22:53,583 --> 00:22:58,208
THAT WOULD BE LIKE IF I WAS AT
THE CHEESECAKE FACTORY...
465
00:22:58,750 --> 00:23:03,208
AND THE WAITER CAME UP AND SHOT
ME IN THE FUCKING FACE.
466
00:23:05,166 --> 00:23:07,583
I'D JUST BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH.
I REALLY ENJOY MY FOOD."
467
00:23:07,583 --> 00:23:10,333
[ IMITATES GUNSHOT ]
"OH!
468
00:23:10,333 --> 00:23:11,291
CHECK, PLEASE!"
469
00:23:11,291 --> 00:23:15,709
AND THEN THE WAITER TURNS TO THE
BUSBOY AND SAYS, "YOUR TURN!"
470
00:23:15,709 --> 00:23:17,583
THANKS A LOT.
I'M CHRIS D'ELIA.
471
00:23:17,583 --> 00:23:18,792
YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.
472
00:23:18,792 --> 00:23:21,208
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
473
00:23:29,959 --> 00:23:31,625
YEAH.
474
00:23:39,041 --> 00:23:40,750
ALL RIGHT.
475
00:23:40,750 --> 00:23:42,583
ALL RIGHT.
SO, I'M JUST GONNA RUN OUT
476
00:23:42,583 --> 00:23:44,792
AND GET CHRIS SOME RITALIN.
477
00:23:44,792 --> 00:23:45,750
[ LAUGHTER ]
478
00:23:45,750 --> 00:23:47,291
BUT IN THE MEANTIME,
OUR NEXT ACT
479
00:23:47,291 --> 00:23:51,208
IS A LOVELY LADY WHO TAKES HULA-
HOOPING TO A WHOLE NEW LEVEL.
480
00:23:51,208 --> 00:23:54,083
PLEASE WELCOME VALENTINA.
481
00:23:54,083 --> 00:23:57,083
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
482
00:23:57,083 --> 00:23:59,959
[ UPBEAT LATIN MUSIC PLAYS ]
483
00:26:55,875 --> 00:26:58,834
I JUST PUT ALL THE PIECES
TOGETHER, BUT I MADE THE TUTU.
484
00:26:58,834 --> 00:27:02,375
AND EVERYTHING ELSE, IT JUST
KIND OF CAME TOGETHER RANDOMLY
485
00:27:02,375 --> 00:27:03,834
WHEN I FIGURED OUT
WHAT I NEEDED,
486
00:27:03,834 --> 00:27:06,291
AND A LOT OF IT WAS STUFF
I ALREADY HAD.
487
00:27:06,291 --> 00:27:09,000
IT WASN'T ALL, LIKE,
CRAZY LIKE
488
00:27:09,000 --> 00:27:10,417
VEGAS-STYLE PROFESSIONAL
489
00:27:10,417 --> 00:27:13,583
CLOTHING THAT
EVERYBODY ELSE HAS.
490
00:27:13,583 --> 00:27:15,250
MINE'S, LIKE, HOMEMADE.
491
00:27:15,250 --> 00:27:16,750
HOPEFULLY YOU CAN'T TELL.
492
00:27:16,750 --> 00:27:18,291
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
493
00:27:18,291 --> 00:27:21,125
WELL, THAT WAS AWESOME.
494
00:27:21,125 --> 00:27:24,291
I THINK THE HULA-HOOP JUST
LOST ITS INNOCENCE.
495
00:27:24,291 --> 00:27:25,333
[ LAUGHTER ]
496
00:27:25,333 --> 00:27:27,041
THAT'S IT FOR TONIGHT'S
"LIVE NUDE COMEDY."
497
00:27:27,041 --> 00:27:29,667
I'M SHANNON ELIZABETH,
AND I'LL SEE YOU NEXT TIME!
498
00:27:29,667 --> 00:27:31,250
GOOD NIGHT!
36476
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